Rising Sun Investigations (Homozushi Part II)
Title credits, montage:
1. Big panning shot of Osaka. Full on city shot. Subtitle: Osaka, Japan.
2. Old Japanese man waving a fan in the heat.
3. Old Japanese building juxtaposed with some neon/modernity
4. Tons of people walking around.
EXT. day, grungy osaka market street (den den town)
Open air hardware, electronics, lighting, porn, computers, and people fill the street. Amongst the crowd emerges AKIKO TANAKA. She wanders unsure down an alley, holding a small b&w advert from back of a sketchy magazine. She checks the address in the advert again. Screeches while almost stepping on a rat (or cockroach). JIM CUTTLER pokes his head out a second story window.
Jim
Akiko Tanaka?
Akiko
A, Hai. Haite ii desu ka? (yes. can I come in)
Jim
Dozo.
Akiko walks up some scummy steps, begins to rap on the door, when Jim opens and greets her.
Jim (CONT'D)
Come in 
Akiko
a, hai.
Jim motions for her to sit down. Offers her some coffee. Camera reveals telling features of Jim`s `office`. She accepts the coffee(it`s awful), she tries to hide it with a smile.
Jim
Jya, denwa de goshuujin to rikkon shitai tte iwaretanyakedo...(so, I heard on the phone that you want to divorce your husband...)
AKIKO
It`s okay, I can speak Engrish.
Jim (to self)
Everybody in this country wants a god damn free English lesson.
AKIKO
Basicarry, I want to divorce with my husband.
Jim
Well, that`s what private eyes in Japan do Mrs. Tanaka. We`ll set up your husband with a another woman, I`ll take some pictures, and BANG, we get a divorce with big fat alimony checks for you.
Akiko
Yes, I know. That`s why I came here.
Jim
Temae miso desu ga...I`m one of the best PIs in this part of Osaka, Plus I`m a foreigner, y`know a GAIJIN. I`m connected to lots of gaijin women. When we set him up we can get a juicy shot of him with one of my `helpers`. A Russian hostess, or how about a cute English teacher from Australia?
Jim pulls out some pictures as he speaks. Actressy head shots of a Russian, then an Australian woman, followed by shots of Japanese men in bed with them, eyes blacked out.
Akiko
I see.
Jim 
Sucker`ll never know what hit him. You know, if they get caught with a gaijin it becomes even more scandalous, and you`d be amazed what they`ll settle out of court for.
Jim greedily chews on his words. Akiko sort of smiles, hesitates, and looks up.
AKIKO
That`s fine. But, actuarry, it is being difficult to find the man to take this business.
Jim sits up, suddenly interested.
Jim
Who IS the poor jerkoff?
Akiko
Excuse me?
Jim
What is your husband`s name?
Akiko 
Tanaka Manabu
Jim is shocked.
Jim
You mean Tanaka Manabu the Detective?
Akiko
Yes. That is him.
Jim
No way! Go find someone else.  I`m not gonna set up another Detective! I get enough shit in this business just for being a gaijin.
Akiko
Yes, I know, but the other Japanese Detectives will not take this job. Prease! I need your help!
Jim
Sorry sweets, but I don`t need it that bad. Divorce him the old-fashioned way, get a job and support yourself like everyone else. It`s the er, American way you know.
Akiko
But. He treats me badry.
Jim
Yeah, I`ll bet. Let`s see, you`ve got your Louis Vuitton purse there...Oh, nice earrings, (grabs her hand) and a BIG ol` sparkling wedding ring too. Poor baby.
Akiko (beginning to cry)
You don`t understand!
JIM
Yeah, I`ve seen the crying act before. Don`t work on me lady. Just take a deep breath, and go home.
She gets up to leave. Jim smirks to himself.
Jim (CONT'D)
Sayonara.
AKIKO
Hidoi...
Jim motions toward the door. Akiko leaves w/head down.
Jim 
Guy`s gotta draw the line somewhere. There are some things Jim Cuttler WILL NOT DO.
INT. Bar later that night
Jim sits nursing a beer while a stripper spreads and rubs herself several inches from his face. He leans back , disinterested and looks to the end of the bar. A JAPANESE SALARYMAN is talking to NATASHA, an attractive Russian hostess. Jim discretely holds a small camera and snaps a couple shots. Natasha motions for the Japanese salaryman to follow her, pulling his tie like a leash. He obediently follows. Jim stands up and stuffs a 1000 yen note into the strippers panties without even looking at her, eyes fixed on the couple. 
Jim tails the couple through an alley, to a love hotel.  
EXT. LOVE HOTEL
The couple enters laughing, Jim waits a few moments, then goes in after. 
INT. LOVE HOTEL
The rooms are vended automatically.  After the couple buys tickets, they go up to their room. 
EXT. LOVE HOTEL ROOM
Natasha leaves the door slightly ajar. Jim leans up against the wall next to the door, bored look on his face. Giggly sexual noises come from the room. Jim checks his watch.
INT. LOVE HOTEL ROOM
The Salaryman is all red-faced from sake drinking, necktie around his head, cooing and entranced by Natasha and feeling her up.  
EXT. LOVE HOTEL ROOM
Jim listens as if waiting for just the right cue.  More giggles, then he hears a high pitched moan. 
Jim
Bingo.
INT. LOVE HOTEL ROOM
Jim kicks the door in, snapping away with his camera, flashbulb a-blazin`. The salaryman is flabbergasted.
salaryman
Nanjya koryaaa! Omae dare?!(what the hell? Who are you?)
The salaryman begins to give chase to Jim, but slips on a massive vibrating dildo. Jim snaps one last pick.
Jim
So it`s true! Wow. That`s the smallest one I`ve seen in a while!
Salaryman
Nani yatten no kono yaro!(what the hell are you doing?)
NATASHA (waving index finger)
Yes, but smaller one is very hard my friend!
Salaryman
itekomasu zo!(them`s fighting words!)
Jim (smiling)
Don`t worry comrade, I`ll take your word for it.
The salaryman gives one final effort to chase Jim down the stairs, but his pants aren`t fully on yet, and Jim slips away.
INT. Jim`s office, Next day
Jim is counting a fat wad of Japanese bills. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up and opens it. Akiko is standing outside it with a shameful, hurt look on her face, and large dark sunglasses on.
JIM
Mrs. Tanaka. I thought I told you I wasn`t going to...What`s that?
Akiko is frowning, but stoic. Jim`s hand moves up to touch her cheek, she fights him for a moment. Jim snaches off her glasses to reveal a large  black eye, and some bruised skin indicating strikes.
JIM (CONT'D)
That motherfucker. If there`s one thing I can`t stand...
Akiko begins crying loudly. 
JIM (CONT'D)
Please, sit down.
Just as he motions for her to sit, Natasha appears in the door way, angry. She begins gesturing with a wad of money.
NATASHA
What is this bullshit! We agreed 20,000 MORE than the last one! This is 10,000 less! Where is my money you bastard!
Akiko looks up, startled.
JIM
Natasha, this isn`t the time.
NATASHA
No. This IS the time, you`re not stealing my money you capitalist pig!
Jim grabs some bills off of his desk (from the ones he was previously counting) and hands them to Natasha.
JIM
Here here. There`s 30,000 more. Are you  happy now? Get out of here.
Natasha suddenly nicens up
NATASHA
Let me know the next one you want to do...
JIM
I`ll call you. Get out!
Jim closes the door behind her.
JIM (CONT'D)
I`m sorry Mrs. Tanaka.
AKIKo
Call me Akiko.
JIM
Akiko. And I`m so sorry I was rude to you before. Tell me, why did this happen?
AKIKO
He came home yesterday. He was drinking with the other Detectives. He was so angry. They told him I had talked to them. First he just using the fist. But he has some new golf clubs. I ran away..I`m so scared.
She is almost hysterical. Jim gives her a comforting embrace.
JIM
Don`t worry Akiko. We`ll get that bastard. Don`t worry.
AKIKO
Thank you Mr. Cuttler
JIM
Jim.
Akiko slightly smiles.
AKIKO
Jim.
Cut to door to office opening.
JIM 
Do you have somewhere to stay now?
Akiko
Oh, don`t worry, I`m staying with my sister until  he become calmer.
JIM
Let me walk you to the station
AKIKO 
Oh no. I`m fine. Thank you Jim.
Smiling, she walks down the stairs.
Cut to interior of office. Jim closes door, picks up the phone and speed dials. 
Jim
Yeah. This is Jim. Look, I`ve got a really important job for you.
EXT. residential street, early evening
Cut to Akiko walking down a suburban street. She enters her apartment complex. Unlocks and opens the door to her apartment. Takes off shoes in the genkan, takes off her jacket. Puts down her bag and enters the bathroom. Turns on the light, looks in the mirror. She rotates her head to check out the left and right sides. In the genkan, her husband comes home.
CLOSE UP OF MANABU.
Manabu
Tadaima.(I`m home)
Cut to close up of Akiko looking in the mirror.
Akiko
A, okaeri!(welcome home)
Her voice is cheerful, but her face is still scowling.
MANABU
Gohan ha?(what`s for dinner?)
Akiko begins applying makeup remover to her face.
AKIKO
Gomen! Dekaketettan de, mada tsukutte nai nen!(sorry, I was out, so I haven`t made anything yet)
MANABU
wakatta. (I see)
She rubs a wet cloth on her face, removing her `black eye`
AKIKO
Kyou ha, itaria ryouri ga ii ka na? (how about Italian tonight?)
MANABU
Un, ii to omou yo. (sure, sounds good)
Akiko smiles mischievously and perkily.(ominous music)
EXT. residential street, early AFTERNOON
TANAKA MANABU walks out of a building. Jim looks up with cold eyes.
Jim (grumble)
There you are you dirty wife-beating scumbag...
Jim pretends to be fiddling with his cell phone. Jim is dressed in very casual clothes, listening to an ipod mini. After Manabu walks by him, Jim turns and follows nonchalantly. 
Manabu walks into a Pachinko parlor. 
JiM (CONT'D)
Bingo...
Jim quickly whips out his cell and speed dials.
JIM (CONT'D)
It`s Jim. I`m near Shin-midosuji. Hajimemashou...(let`s begin)
INT. PaCHINKO PARLOR - DAY
Manabu is playing a pachinko game. A sexy Japanese girl, YUKIKO, comes by and spills some pachinko balls on Manabu. 
YUKIKO
A! Gome ne! (oops! Sorry!)
She leans down to help pick up the balls, revealing a lovely bosom. Manabu barely notices, and looking annoyed, grunts.
Yukiko is slightly perplexed, but tries again, this time turning toward the machine next to him, making sure her perky ass is within direct eyeshot of him.
YUKIKO (CONT'D)
Kono kikai ga ii kamo ne. nanka, ii un ga kanjireru. (this machine looks good, it feels like a lucky one)
She looks back to see if Manabu notices. 
Manabu
Ma. (hmph.)
She pouts at his disinterest. She turns to look outside the window, at Jim, who is standing outside. She makes a `what the hell should I do?` Expression. Jim motions for her to try again.
She sits down next to Manabu, pretending for a moment to be interested in playing the game. Occasionally slipping him a furtive glance to see if he is acknowleding her. She starts to win her game (bingo buzzer or whatever), and begins cutely giggling and being all excited forcing him to give a reluctant look. She beams a cute/sensual smile at him. Once more he grunts, making a disgusted face, and turns his head back. Yukiko explodes, stands up, and stomps the ground.
YUKIKO
Anta baka! (you jerk!)
Manabu is completely stoic. After she storms out, he takes a comedically-timed drag on his cigarette.
EXT. Pachinko parlor
Yukiko storms up to Jim.
Jim
What happened?
YUKIKO
That guy is a fucking asshole!
Jim 
What did he do? Did he try to feel you up?
YUKIKO
No!
Jim
So why are you so pissed off?
YUKIKO
He didn`t feeling me up!
Jim looks at her confusedly.
YuKIKO (CONT'D)
 I want my money!
Jim
You know the deal. No rabu rabu, no money honey.
YUKIKO
I hate you! Mou otoko kirai! (I hate men)
With that, Yukiko storms off. Jim gets a resolute look on his face.
Jim
Yukiko has never failed. This guy`s gonna be tough!
PAULO(gay latino with lisp) suddenly appears from out of nowhere.
PAULO
Who`s gonna be tough Jimmy boy?
JiM
Shit! Paulo, you startled me. Look I`m on a case I can`t talk to you right now.
They continue walking, Jim facing the Pachinko place. Paulo with his back to the pachinko place. Jim peers over Paulo`s shoulder just in time to see Manabu leaving the Pachinko parlour. Jim starts walking, Paulo matches him, walking backwards, facing him. Jim peers over Paulo`s shoulder to make sure he has a bead on Manabu.
PAULO
Oo, the busy man on the case. I see, well just wanna say thanks for helping me.
JIM
Well, money`s money. And in your case, I confirmed what you already knew.
PaULO
Yes, you should have seen the look on my boyfriend Hiroshi`s face when I showed that cheating sonofabitch the pictures! Oh my God it was fantastic!
Manabu stops at a convenience store and goes inside. Jim stops too and pays more attention to the conversation.
JiM
But that was the first, and that will be the LAST time I take pictures of two queers gettin` it on.
PAULO
You don`t have to be so homophobic about it. What`re you working on now?
Jim
Well, I got this wifebeater on my hands.
PaULO
Sonofabitch! Can I help you track him? We can be detective partners or something.
JIM 
Thanks Paulo, but I work alone. Now please get going, I`ve gotta lot on my mind.
PaULO
Ok ok, well anyway, I just want to invite you out for a drink so we can celebrate my being single again. You know, just us boys.
JIM
I`ll pass.
Manabu walks out of the convenience store unnocticed by a distracted Jim.
PAULO
Ok, but if you change your mind, it`s a block down Doyama-cho. Make a right, and it`s called `Explosion`.
Jim 
Yeah, gotcha. Later Paulo.
Paulo walks off, waving. Jim looks around, having lost his target.
JIM (CONT'D)
Damn. Where the hell did he...There he is!
Manabu enters a starbucks.
JIM (CONT'D)
Jeezus, this guy`s all over the place.
Jim awkwardly whips out his phone again and speed dials. 
JIM (CONT'D)
Trisha? Jim here. Big cash if you can come to the Starbucks by Yotsubashi station right now!
Montage of forced affair attempts:
1.  Starbucks. Hot blonde says, `Hey there, are you studying English? Maybe I can help you with that...` Manabu replies, `Nein, it`s German.` She is dismayed.
NEXT DAY
2.  Starbucks. Another Hot Blonde say, `sprekenze Deutsche?` And Manabu says, `Parlo Italiano` Another dismayed female.
3. Beautiful Thai woman practically molests Manabu trying to get him into a massage parlour. Manabu uses a nifty Aikido move and throws her off onto a garbage pile. She screams in frustration.
4. Montage of various smiling girls faces saying `hi there/hey there/ni hao/hello/bon jour/konniti wa/` all of them cross cut with Manabu`s grunts and raised hand giving the NO gesture. (dame) Some vocal `no`s are mixed in.
EXT. JIM`S OFFICE
A Mob of women is waiting for Jim to come back. Jim arrives, but before he can sneak away, they notice him and give chase. He is cornered, and bombarded in several languages:
Mob
What the fuck!  Chu su ba! Va fanculo! Sen Ibne! Ni su sa ze! Anta bakka yarou! (swearing in various languages)
Jim
Woah woah woah, ladies ladies! We had a deal, you didn`t deliver, so I can`t pay you!
ChineSE GIRL
I can ALWAYS get a guy to go love hotel with me. This guy is fucking CRAZY
ItaLIAN WOMAN
He`s crazy if he doesn`t like these! (grabbing breasts)
A Japanese girl turns, eyes enlarged
Japanese girl
Oh, those are nice
ITALIAN WOMAN
Deshou! (right?)
JIM
Look, you are the best out there, and I honestly don`t know what`s going on here, but I`m getting to the  bottom of it, and until then, just bear with me OK? This is an important case.
(RANDOM MOB VOICE)
Yeah, they`re ALL important, so you can get the MONEY
JIM (CONT'D)
No! I mean, the guy...He BEATS his wife. 
The girls all get shocked and serious looks on their faces. Some small gasps and whispers
JIM (CONT'D)
The other night, he almost took the golf clubs to her. Do you understand?
RANDOM MOB VOICES
That sonofabitch. Stronzo. Merde. Saiaku.
JIM
I know, and that`s why I`ve got to figure this out! I need you to be patient. Just wait till I get some more information, and then well get things going again. I promise, please ladies?
Jim turns on a little charm, and the girl`s faces turn serious, then cutesy as they forgive.
RANDOM MOB VOICES
Aww, Jimbo. You`re a sweetheart. We`ll wait.
Natasha steps forward and grabs him by the throat.
NATASHA
Two weeks.
JIM
Gulp.
INT.  STARBUCKS
Jim crosses off types in a list of female characteristics in the following order:
1. Thin
2. Chunky
3. Big breasts
4. Big ass
5. Intelligent
6. Stupid 
Jim
...no thin girls, no chunky girls, no big breasts, no flat-chested, no big ass, no `no` ass, no smart chicks no dumb chicks...What is the deal with this guy?
Jim looks up at his subject, Manabu, sitting well across the room from him. Their eyes meet for the first time, and time is suspended. Jim is freaked at the possibility Manabu will realize he is watching him, and Manabu reveals kindness in his face (gay foreshadowing). They both suddenly look down. Manabu because he is shy, Jim because  he is trying to cover. Jim lifts up a newspaper and acts as if he is reading. Manabu looks up again. 
JIM (CONT'D)
Shit, this is baaaad.
Jim gets up and jets out of the Starbucks.  Manabu`s head twirls after, slightly bewildered. Manabu then resigns himself back to his magazine and coffee.
EXT. Night, japanese grungy shopping district (doyama-cho)
Jim follows Manabu to Doyama-cho. Jim stops and notices the sign.
JiM
Doyama-cho...That name sounds familiar...
Manabu discretely (shyly) walks down the street, dodging pink salon flyer pushers and whorehouse salespeople. 
PINK SALON PUSHER
Ne, niisan! Dou dai? Namashaku ikaga desu ka? (hey guy, wanna blowjob?)
MANABU
Iya, ii desu. (no thanks)
PINK SALON PUSHER
Ne, 6,000en, kimochi yo~ (6,000 yen, it feels great!)
MANABU
Iranai! (NO!)
Jim is tailing behind. The pushers react opposite to him. Ignoring him and looking away.
PINK SALON PUSHER (under his breath)
Gaijin.
JIM
Yeah, well I don`t need your second-hand Brazilian slave girls anyway hot-shot.
Manabu begins to dissappear behind a corner. 
JIM (CONT'D)
Shit, I`m losing him.
Jim picks up the pace. He catches up almost too fast. Just before entering a bar, Manabu turns his head. Jim brakes in his tracks, and leans up against a wall just in time. Manabu turns back, and enters the bar.
EXT. GAY BAR ENTRANCE (PHYSIQUE)
Jim cautiously walks up to the entrance and inspects the posters along the Bar`s outer wall. Cutesy cartoons show big bear men holding cutesy young boyish men in coital embrace. Flaming queer imagery abounds. Jim reads some of the titles...
Jim has a flashback to when Paulo was bugging him on the street...
JIM
I`ll pass.
PAULO
Ok, but if you change your mind, it`s a block down Doyama-cho. Make a right, and it`s called `Explosion`.
Jim`s eyes widen as the pieces fit together. We see a flashback of the Doyama-cho sign from earlier (when Jim tailed Manabu), the word `Doyama-cho echoes into his head`, and the juxtaposition of the Explosion sign in present time with Paulo`s lips mouthing it in slowmotion: `Explosion`. We then cut back to Jim`s face in a sort of under-reaction shock. (so shocked he`s very still.) He takes one more look at the flyers on the side of the building, they show images of Caucasian men with Japanese men. The headline reads, `Potato Queen, Rice Queen: a night for foreign and japanese singles`. A small gasp of air exits Jim`s paniced mouth.
JIM
Holy shit. Holee shiiiit.
HIDEKI, the bar manager suddenly opens the door.
HIDEKI
Irashaimase! Hey there! (welcome)
Jim turns a comedic 180 degrees and immediately walks in the other direction.
JIM
Sorry, just passing by.
HIDEKI
Don`t go! Come on in~!
Jim silently and very briskly walks away. Hideki slowly closes the bar door, and goes back inside.  A few gaijin and japanese sit inside.  A couple is getting snugly. Manabu sits nursing a beer.
MANABU
Dare deshita? (who was that?)
HIDEKI
Mita koto nai hito nan dakedo, chotto hen. (some guy I never saw before. Strange)
MANABU
Sa. (hmm..)
INT. AKIKO/MANABU`S APARTMENT
Akiko is listening to cheerful music, leafing through a magazine full of expensive brand goods.
AkIKO
Ne, rikkon dekitara, mazu wa fendi no baggu, soshite, atarashii pumps...Soshite, benzu!!! (let`s see, after the divorce I`ll get a fendi bag, some new pumps...and A BENZ!!)
She kicks her heels in excitement.
EXT. Akiko/manabu`s apartment NIGHT
Jim walks up to Akiko`s door and rings the bell.
INT. AKIKO/MANABU`S APARTMENT
Akiko is startled. Suspiciously heads to the genkan.
AKIKO
Eh? Dare deshou...? (who could that be?)
EXT. AKIKO/MANABU`S APARTMENT
Akiko opens the door. 
Akiko
Eh! Jim san? What are you doing here
JIM
We need to talk.
AKIKO
Uh. Ok, please come in.
She leads Jim into the apartment. Jim is a bit taken aback by the music (super happy). Akiko notices, and quickly turns the music to a depressing CD, and grabs her forhead as if she is worried.
Akiko (CONT'D)
I`ve been waiting for some news...
JIM (slight sarcasm)
Yeah, looks like you were really worried...
AKIKO
I was trying to make myself happy. I`ve been so sad lately...
JIM (looking at magazines)
Shopping always picks the spirits up...
Akiko
What`s happened with the case?
JIM
Well...There`s something you don`t know about your husband...
Akiko`s eyes get all innocent/sad looking and Jim loses nerve to tell her the truth.
JIM (CONT'D)
Let`s just say I found his weak point. Mind if I look around a little?
AKIKO
Why?
Jim
It`s important. I`m looking for something.
Akiko
Go ahead.
Jim enters their bedroom. He points to a dresser. This his?
Akiko (CONT'D)
Yes.
He looks through the dresser, feeling carefully around the edges, and in the top inside of the drawers. He gets up, and walks over to a pile of Manabu`s folders. Still nothing. He prepares to leave the room, when he notices a picture on the back of the door.
JIM
Who`s this here with Manabu?
AKIKO
Oh, That`s Brian Sensei! He used to be Manabu`s English teacher.
JIM
English teacher huh? They look really close.
AKIKO
Oh yes, they used to go out so much. Sometimes they went to Tokyo together and staying at a hotel!
JIM
Hotel? (smiling) Where`s Brian sensei now?
AKIKO
Oh, he went back to Australia. Manabu was getting very sad after that.
JIM
I`ll bet he was. 
Jim pulls the picture off the wall and flips it over.
AKIKO
What you doing..?
A closer look at the back of the picture reveals two hearts and `love, Brian` at the end of a going away message.
JIM
`I`ll never forget you Manabu. Thank you for everything. I`ll never forget those nights in Tokyo, love, Brian`. Bingo...
AKIKO 
I trust you Jim. You have to help me from this dangerous man. Before he is hurting me.
Jim looks around at the magazines and fancy apartment one more time. Then builds up confidence, but slightly unsure.
JIM
You got it.
EXT. AkiKO/MANABU`S APARTMENT NIGHT
Door opens. Jim walks out, putting on his jacket. Akiko steps out and gives him a kiss. 
Akiko
Please. (kiss) I know you can do it.
Jim gets all soft and mushy.
JIM
Don`t worry.
Cut to Jim walking along the street, leaving the apartment.
JIM (CONT'D)
So Manabu is into gaijin eh?
INT. CAFE DAY
Jim and Paulo are in a heated discussion.
Paulo
Are you completely loco? I can`t do that to another gay man! And believe me, there`s A LOT of things I can do to another man. Maybe even for money if it`s a good cause. But I CAN`T betray someone like that. I have a heart...Not like YOU, destroying family`s lives like you do!
JIM
Paulo, this is IMPORTANT. He beats his wife!
PAULO
How do you  know that? I`ve never heard of a gay man beating his wife.  All the Japanese guys I know just buy them Gucci bags and never talk to them. Maybe she just wants you to think that.
JIM
I saw the bruises Paulo. She`s in trouble.
PAULO
Look, the gay community here is too small! If I did this, no one would talk to me here again! I would have to move to another city, and even then people will still know I did it. 
JIM
Well what am I supposed to do?
Paulo looks at Jim and a big wide smile spreads on his lips.
JIM (CONT'D)
No, woah woah woah woah! Uh-uh
PaULO
Time to go shopping big boy!
MONTAGE (Queer eye for straight guy style) 
1. Paulo holds a shirt up to Jim`s chest, with a `hmm...` expression on his face.
2. Jim holds up a shirt and gestures `well`? Paulo shakes head vigorously (no).
3. a few shoe try-on shots
4. Full outfit try-on shots with various reactions
5. intercut shots of Paulo training Jim to `be gay`. Intonation,  gestures, hair styling, etc.
6. Final shot of Jim gaily walking out of the dressing room, does a gay spin, a gay gesture, and says, `konnichi wa` with a gay accent. Paulo, excitedly laughing, `you`re ready`!
EXT. explosion/PHysique Pride Night
Jim walks down the alley in his new threads, obviously nervous, but doing his best to remain cool. He glances at the gay posters one more time, gulps, and goes to the door. The door creaks ominously as it is opened. 
INT. PHYSIQUE PRIDE NIGHT
The bar is rather small, and it becomes quiet and every head in the room turns to see Jim`s visage. Hideki recognizes Jim.
HidEKI
Hey there! Glad you decided to come back. Have a seat here at the bar.
Jim nods and tentatively moves toward the bar. He sits next to Manabu.
HIDEKI (CONT'D)
Go ahead, have a seat next to Manabu.
Jim stiffly sits down. Manabu peers at him curiously.
HIDEKI (CONT'D)
What`ll you have?
Jim
Uh, I`ll have a white russian.
HIDEKI
Well there was one in here yesterday night but Kazu took him home!
Kazu, two heads down from Manabu, leans forward and gives Jim a wink. Everyone starts laughing. Jim is slightly relieved and fakes a smile.
JIm
Yeah, those Russians sure are something!
Manabu
Are they? Have you dated a Russian before?
JIM
Er, uh, not exactly. I`ve worked with them though. They can be tough let me tell ya. Er, let me tell you.
Jim, having slipped into too `manly` of a tone, corrects his last sentence, adding a slightly gay gesture at the end.
MANABU
Oh? What work do you do?
JiM
Ah, well, I`m just an English Teacher, you know, at an eikaiwa...
MANABU
And Russians are teaching English at your school?
Hideki, listening, cocks his head slightly in disbelief.
JIM
Well, I meant I teach English TO Russians at my school.
MANABU
Oh, what school?
JIM
You know, the er NOVA. The AEON, er GEOS a few blocks from here.
Another barfly English teacher perks up.
JOHN
You mean the GEOS near Ogimachi Park? That`s where I work! I never saw you...
Jim
Gosh, did I say blocks? I meant kilometers...Whew! Big day...thank you.
Jim relievedly receives the white russian from Hideki and forks him a 1000 note.
Jim (CONT'D)
Woo. There we go! White russian. Alright now it`s a party eh?
No one else gets into Jim`s enthusiasm. Manabu is still interested in him though. Brittany Spears is playing in the background.
JIM (CONT'D)
Oh man, I hate this song!
MaNABU
Reary? I think it`s good.
JIM
Oh. Well, I mean it`s not as good as her first album..
MANABU
This is her first album.
JIM
Uh, you know what, why don`t I buy you a beer, uh, I didn`t get your name?
MANABU
Manabu
Jim
Manabu. Nice to meet you, I`m Ji, Jerry, John. I`m John.
MANABU 
John-san?
Jim
Yep. Manabu-san. Hajimemashite
MANABU
Hajimemashite.
Both smile.
JIM
Can I get two Asahi beers over here?
Montage:
With Britanny Spears blaring in the background, Manabu and Jim proceed to get wasted. Other guys get in the act. There are a few drinking type games in progress. Two men do a wedding style drink swap and then smooch. A smiling Jim, realizing what the night has in store for him, gulps nervously, then returns to smiling/having a good time.
EXT. Backstreet/night 
Jim and Manabu, drunk as skunks, laughing their asses off, meander along the backstreets of doyama-cho. A passerby stares at their overly friendly demeanor.
Jim
Ohayouuuuuu gozaimasu. he he. (good morning)
The passerby continues to stare, but walking briskly away.
JIM (CONT'D)
Whattsa matter? Do we seem a little...Queer! Ha ha ha
Manabu and Jim continue to laugh.
JIM (CONT'D)
Say Manabu, how are you getting home?
MANABU
Oh, I take a taxi.
JiM
Well, trains`ll be starting in a few hours, let`s stay at one of these, er, uh love hotel thingies.
MANABU
Reary?
Jim smiling.
INT. Love hotel
Jim and Manabu enter their room, Jim jumps and does a leaping dive onto the bed. 
JiM
Whoopee! Good times.
MANABU
Yes, good times. Excuse me, I have to go to otearai.
JiM
I`ll be waitin` for ya big boy!
Manabu looks back lovingly and enters the bathroom. Jim sits up, suddenly sober. He gets a small camera out of his bag and a roll of tape. He sets it up above the door frame and whips out a tiny remote control. He clicks it once for a test. He hears the toilet flush, and leaps back onto the bed and gets in a ridiculous sex kitten position.
MANABU
Ok, where were we?
JiM
You were getting ready to sit down next to me and give me a big fat kiss!
Jim turns his head and makes a revolted face, then turns back smiling. Manabu eagerly climbs onto the bed and leans in for a kiss.
JiM (CONT'D)
Hold on a second. We`ve got all our clothes on! Let`s get more comfy shall we?
Jim turns his head again as he takes his shirt off. A nervous expression covers his face. Jim studies the seen.
JIM (CONT'D)
Pants too!
MaNABU
It`s so fast! We are not even kissing yet...
JIM
Don`t worry about that little man. Ok, now close your eyes! I want the first kiss to be perfect.
MANABU
You are so romantic! You are a terrific guy Jim.
Jim
Uh-huh.
Manabu obediently closes his eyes and leans forward with puckered lips. Jim pulls a small remote out of his pants pocket. The red light on his hidden camera turns on. Jim uncomfortably positions Manabu and his hands so they look like they are in an embrace. Jim has a week moment and looks lovingly at Manabu`s innocent puckered face (funny) for just a second. He quickly snaps out of it.
JiM (CONT'D)
Here we go!
Just before they kiss, Jim flashes the camera bulb.
JIM (CONT'D)
Woah, look at the time!
MaNABU
What was that flashing?
JIM
You know I think the trains are probably running right now and I`m sure you`re tired. I have work tomorrow so I`ll just head on home...
Jim quickly grabs the camera and puts on his clothes halfway. He hurriedly begins to open the door.
MANABU
You took a picture! Why?
JIM
I just wanted something to remember you by...Before you go to prison for beating your wife you sucker!
MANABU
My wife? What are you talking about? I don`t beat my wife.
JIM
Tell that to a judge slimeball! I got what I came for, thanks for the kiss fairy pants!
MANABU
You! Kono Yarou! (you ass!)
As Jim opens the door, Natasha and a `client` happen to be strolling by. 
NATASHA
Jim! 
JiM
Natasha!
NATASHA
What are you doing here? You doing some extra work in there? 
JiM
Yeah you could say that...Listen I can`t talk now...
NATASHA
Why you no call me? Who is in there?
Natasha noses into the door. Jim tries to retreat and shut it, but he turns around to see an angry Manabu.
MANABU
Namentonka Omae? Doushite sonna hidoi koto shita no? (are you f--ing with me? Why would you do something so evil?)
Natasha opens the door. Jim`s shirt is still open, and Manabu is in his underwear.
NATASHA
Oh my God! I Should have known. Congratulations Mr. Gay detective! Hahaha.
MANABU
Detective? 
Close-up of Manabu`s face has he becomes burningly angry.
MANABU (CONT'D)
Omae wa mou shinde iru!!! (you`re dead!)
JIM
Oh shit.
Jim starts to high-tail it out the building. Manabu chases after, but quickly retreats when he runs out into the street in his underwear and realizes his predicament. He retreats and starts to put on his pants, grabbing his cell phone out of his pocket and dialing someone up.
MANABU
Ikeda-san? Tanaka desu ga. Hai. Hayai jikan sumimasen kedo, taihen onegai ga aru... (Mr. Ikeda? It`s Tanaka. Yeah. Sorry bout calling so early. I really need your help)
NATASHA
Oooh, they gonna KILL him... He he he.
Natasha laughs and absorbs the scene, suddenly becoming serious.
NATASHA (CONT'D)
But, that means...No more money! I have to help Jim!
Her Drunken partner calls after her.
Drunken Salaryman
Eh?! Doko iku no? Jya, okane kaise yo! (hey, where are you going? give me back my money!)
EXT. Osaka streets day
Jim, out of breath, steps into an alley to catch his breath. A guy reading a newspaper peers over at him. Jim looks back at him. Jim starts walking again. The Man with newspaper puts down the paper and starts walking slowly after him. Jim picks up the pace, and the Newspaper man picks up as well.
Newspaper man
Chotto matte yo! (wait!)
JiM
Shit. He`s got detectives coming after me now. I`ve gotta get these pics onto a server.
Jim sprints, the man sprints, and Jim manages to slow him up by throwing an object into his path and kicking it into high gear.
INT. PHYSIQUE PRIDE OSAKA (GAY BAR)
Manabu bursts the door open.
HiDEKI
Manabu-kun! Doushita no? (Manabu? What happened?)
Manabu
Ano kyakusama wa na...STRAIGHT deshita. (That customer...was STRAIGHT)
Everyone gasps in disbelief.
HiDEKI
Mou saiyaku! (the worst!)
MANABU
Minnasama, Ongegai ga arun yakedo... (Everyone, I need your help)
INT. gym
Manabu walks into a gym with super-buff gay men working out in it. They stop, puzzled.
MaNABU
Onegai ga aru. (I need help)
EXT. OsAKA STREETS DAY
Jim slows down, taking another breather on a bridge. (dotonbori) A flaming gay man walks up to Jim, with a t-shirt tied in a knot revealing his bellybutton and a hankerchief around his neck.
FLAMER
You sonofabitch! How dare you impersonate a gay man like that! You`re in big trouble mister.
The Flamer attempts to slap Jim. Jim just catches his hand. Then the flamer tries to punch him. Jim catches that arm as well.
Jim
Sorry buddy, but gay men just CAN`T fight.
Buff gay man
Honto ka yo? Uchi wa dou dai? (is that so? How about me?)
A massive muscular Japanese man`s voice startles Jim. The flamer smiles, and Jim turns around to see several tough looking gay men, arms folded, ready to kick some ass. The Buff Gay Man takes rips off his shirt and ties it into a hachimaki around his head.
JIM
I meant SOME gay men. Some gay men can`t fight.
BUFF GAY MAN
Ah, sou ka. (I see)
JIM
Jya ne! (see ya)
Jim dashes off. The Gay Men chase after; half of them with manly growls, and the other half with `gay` yelling. They run by a small shop. Jim screaming in terror, and the gay men a few seconds later. The grocery store owner, reading the paper, looks up.
Grocery store owner
Mata gay koogeki da! Mou zettai Kobe ni hikkosunda. (Another gay fight! That`s it! I`m moving to Kobe)
Jim sees a nice escape route, prepares to head down it, when suddenly two detectives bar his way, forcing him down a dead end. The detectives walk up slowly, preparing to grab him, followed by the gay men. 
DETECTIVE
Mou owari da zo! (That`s the end for you)
Jim resigns himself to his fate, and makes the sign of the cross. They creep in closer. Suddenly, a voice startles everyone.
CHINESE GIRL
Oi! Ruben ren Chu su ba! Wo su zongwa ren! (hey you Japanese jerks! You ready for Chinese power?)
Italian woman
Va fanculo punta madre! (screw yourselves!)
JIM
Girls! Natasha!
Natasha
You gonna owe us for this one Jim!
A sizeable group of Jim`s women has appeared behind the mob. A gay thug speaks up.
Gay thug
Itte komasu zo! (bring it on)
NATASHA
Iya ki ireru! (you`re mine!)
An all-out brawl ensues, with gay men and detectives battling the women. Natasha comes out in full force, taking down two guys with one punch each.
NATASHA (CONT'D)
Jim! It`s you they want! Go for cover! We will slow them down!
JIM
I owe you big Natasha! I promise I`ll...
NATASHA
Shut up and get going!
Natasha smiles affectionately at Jim, before cold-cocking the buff gay man, who turns back with a smile on his face, reaching up to taste the blood from his lip. He makes a `bring it on` gesture. Jim slips out, and Natasha and the Gay Buff Man proceed to duke it out in serious fisticuffs. 
EXT. DOTONBORI RIVER/ NEARBY BRIDGE
Jim jogs cautiously along the river, occasionally slowing down to check every possible direction. He mostly just sees disinterested tourists. Just as he turns to move on, Jim is tackled by Manabu. They roll around onto a concrete pier. Punching and strangling each other. The camera is tied around Jim`s right wrist the whole time. Manabu keeps trying to take it.
MaNABU
I didn`t beat my wife!
JiM
Yeah, just like you aren`t trying to BEAT me now!
Jim whallops Manabu a good punch. He goes to finish him off, but Manabu gives him a nice kick in the stomach that sends him to the edge of the peer, he falls, but is caught suddenly by Manabu. The only thing holding Jim from a perilous drop into the sludgy/toxic dotonbori river is Manabu.
JIM (CONT'D)
You can`t let me fall! This river is toxic! I`ll get some weird disease and shit myself for weeks!
MANABU
Promise you believe me! Why you trusting women so much?
JIM
Women just saved my ass today! In more way than one!
MANABU
THEY are OK. Professional girl is honorable. But...You never been married?
Jim shakes his head no.
JIM
Look, just let me up!
MANABU
Wait! You don`t understand! Many Japanese woman does not marry for love! They is wanting one thing! The money!
Manabu partially helps Jim up, but still holding his arm, continues monologue.
JIM
I know that!
Manabu 
We are just stupid salaryman for them. They take money, and if they want more, they using us detective to help divorce so they get even MORE money!
JIM
Yeah..but I saw her face! She had bruises!
MANABU
I don`t know. Maybe she did with makeup...
Manabu is suddenly struck from behind by a Louis Vuitton bag and hurls onto the ledge next to gym. Above them stands a sinister Akiko. Jim is still clutching the camera with his right hand. Akiko is holding a makeup compact from her purse.
AkiKO
That`s right baka yarou! Makeup. Now give me that camera you stupid gaijin!
JIM
Akiko? Why? I believed you!
AKIKO (laughing)
You should listening to my gay husband!
Akiko rams her spiked heel into Jim`s hand, causing him to release the camera to her and slide down. Manabu catches him and supports him. Akiko begins to walk away...
MaNABU (desperately)
Anata! Baggu wasureta! (honey, you forgot your bag)
Akiko turns around suspiciously, then realizes she did indeed leave her purse by the ledge. She taunts manabu with the camera.
AKIKO
Ah! Sou da. Arigatou baka shujin! Mou sugu shujin jya nai kedo ne... (Thanks dummy husband. You won`t be husband for long though eh?)
As Akiko picks up the purse, Manabu grabs it and flips the handle onto Akiko`s neck. 
AkiKO (CONT'D)
Eh! Nani shitenno? (hey, what are you doing?)
Manabu quickly pulls on the purse, sending Akiko head over heels into the river. SPLASH!
Manabu musters his strength and gets back onto the concrete pier, he pulls Jim up after him.
AKIKO (CONT'D)
Bakka yarou! Kuso Okama tare! Mou camera ga kore de kowarechau! Shinne!!! (you gay sonofabich! The camera is ruined! Die asshole!)
MANABU
I love you too honey! Bye bye.
Manabu helps Jim up and they walk away. Natasha is standing waiting for them. She silently walks along side Jim, helping him with his limp. (soft music)
6 MONTHS LATER
INT. JIM/OFFICE
Close-up of gay salaryman
Gay Salaryman
Sore de ne...Mou Okusan ga zenbu no okane tsukachattari shite, uchi wa gay da kara kanojo wa uwaki shiteru koto wa dou demo ii kedo. Tada, zenbu no okane naku narezu, chanto rikkon shitai na tte...mou dou shou??? (and then, my wife used all my money...I`m gay, so I don`t mind she is having affairs. I just want to be able to divorce her without losing everything I have!)
Jim, Manabu and Natasha look up from the desk and reply in a cheerful Japanese accent:
JIM Manabu and natasha
No problem!!!
THE END
CREDITS
NATASHA (making peace sign)
Perestroyka!