When I was growing up, I wasn't fortunate enough to know anyone who would teach me about the facts of life. I remember having sexual feelings since I was 5 years old, but didn't understand what it meant at the time. I remember a set of blocks I had to play with. On the box that the blocks came in had a picture of a boy and a girl and I remember getting a stiffie looking at both of them. I vaguely remember 1 day when I was 5 years old, lying on my stomach in the grass when I decided to start humping the grass. It felt good. I was experiencing a funny feeling. Then my mother saw me and she was horrified and bitched at me for doing that. It makes me wonder if she would have been happier if I was smoking grass instead of humping the grass, but I don't think she would have liked that either? When I was in first grade, I was near my school lying on my stomach on a hill when I got a stiffie. I started rubbing my dick on the hill and almost orgasmed, but I figured that I had better stop because of what I had already been indoctrinated into believing, what I was doing seemed to be real creepy.

     By the time I was 13 years old, I went from being horny all the time to being super horny. Then on October 2 1976, it finally happened because I was like a dog in heat, a freak without warning, an appetite for sex cause me so horny. Anyway, I was getting ready to take a bath and while I was taking my clothes off, I got an intense warm flushed feeling in my head and had an uncontrollable desire to rub my dick on something and no one was home at the time and my mother was riding her bike. I was planning on rubbing my dick on the couch in the living room, when I noticed my mother was riding her bike into the driveway, which canceled out my plans to have some fun. Later that night, I was still extremely horny. I decided to go into the basement in my brother's room and take off all my clothes, because I felt that I should be nude while having some fun. I decided to rub my dick on my brother's bed. Because no one taught me about sex, I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing. I was afraid that as I was climaxing that I would end up pissing all over my brothers bed, but I was so fucking horny, I didn't care. It felt so good and I discovered that I didn't piss all over the bed, but a couple of drops of fluid came out. As soon as I climaxed, I felt that I did something that wasn't normal, so I hurried up and put my clothes back on. I felt real freaked out so I stayed in the basement with the lights out and my father walked by and saw me there and acted like an asshole, which he did a lot and he wanted to know what I was doing there. I noticed after I got a little bit older, thick white stuff started squirting out my penis when I masturbated and I didn't like that because it was a lot more covenant when nothing squirted out and seeing that no one taught me about sex, I was wondering if it was thick piss?

     I was in junior high at the time and it made me wonder if anyone else did the same thing that I did? I remember seeing this one guy take a shower who had a real fat and funny looking dick and he had very bushy pubic hair. I don't know why him, but I often visualized him rubbing his dick on the bed just like I did. Because I was so censored from the truth, I felt that I was the only person in the world who did this. Something was telling me that I shouldn't be doing that, but I couldn't help it. It finally occurred to me that what I was doing was sexual after I noticed other kids talking about it in a negative and it was known as "playing with yourself," a term that I hate because that is what narrow-minded assholes who had shit for brains like to call it. They played with themselves too, but are too stuck up to admit it. I was finally taught that the proper terminology for it is: beating off, whacking off and spanking the monkey.

      I don't know if you realize this, but it is not easy for me to talk about these experiences in front of a group of people. In fact, if I were to pull my pants down right now, you would notice that I have a very soft penis, however there is a reason that I need to talk about this and the reason is: In my previous lifetime, I was Laura Ingalls and Laura Ingalls masturbated, but she failed to talk about masturbation in any of her novels and because of that she was punished by being reincarnated as me! My sister Mary was a compulsive masturbator? When I was a little girl, Mary kept making these loud moaning noises all night long. I got sick and tired of listening to Mary make those moaning noises all night and I couldn't sleep, so I got into a big fight with her and we were yelling and screaming at each other. Then Pa Ingalls came into the room and he was in a very pissed off mood and he was sick and tired of listening to those girls bickering all the time. Pa Ingalls also wanted to know why the room always smelled like tuna? Mary told him that she was eating fish, but Pa Ingalls didn't believe her, but for Mary's sake, it just so happened that she was eating fish, but Pa Ingalls made Mary go out and show Pa Ingalls the garbage that just so happened to have a dead fish there. On Little House on the Prairie, Pa Ingalls appeared to be a nice guy, but he had a tendency to be a nosy prick at times. That would have made 1 Hell of an interesting episode of Little House on the Prairie in which Laura goes nuts over Mary keeping her awake at night with her loud moaning noises? Now if you ever watched Little House on the Prairie, I was wondering if you remember the episode in which Mary went blind? Well, now you know why she went blind! If Laura Ingalls wrote about masturbation in her novels, we would have had a revolution by now, but she fucked that up by deciding not to write about it.

     The only woman I know who is willing to talk about beating off is my friend Joon and I was 28 years old at the time and I still didn't know all there was to know about sex. For example, Joon told me that she was extremely horny and felt like beating off so bad, but she couldn't. I told her that if she feels like beating off, then she should beat off, but then she told me that she couldn't beat off because she was having her period. I then asked her, "why should that be a problem." She told me that if a woman beats off when they are having their period, blood gets all over the place and it can get to be such a mess. Oh! Whey didn't anyone bother to teach me that? Why don't people talk about things like that? Unlike most women Joon refuses to be prissy and she is the crudest woman I know and Joon also likes to burp a lot and I like it when I hear women burp!

     Why do people go out of their way to condemn something that feels so good like orgasms? No wonder why the world is so fucked up. The only thing that has changed in my lifetime for the better is I have heard that kids in school now talk openly about beating off and I heard that they even brag about it and let's not forget about that wonderful TV show, Beavis and Butt-Head who talk openly about spanking their monkey! That's cool, HA HA! That gives me some hope that the world will become better place with the breakdown of this fascist repressive puritanical fucking bullshit that has fucked this world up for so long! Now, the only thing that needs to done is abolish the mainstream sexaphobic propaganda media, abolish the government and abolish religion and in a couple of generations, people will no longer feel guilt and shame whenever they have an orgasm. When I was in New York, I met this guy and I went to up to his apartment in Greenwich Village and when I got there he wanted to know if I was interested in watching a religious film. I told him that I don't want to watch that kind of shit, but he puts it on anyway. As it turns out, it was a porno film and I asked him, why do you call this a religious film? He told me that an orgasm is the most spiritual experience a person can have. With that in mind, the world will be a much better place once orgasms are liberated between 2 consenting humans, as long as it's not used for procreation!

There are not very many people who are willing to talk about spanking their monkey in front of a group of people, but Pat realizes that all men, except those with advance stages of Prostate Cancer beat off on a regular basis, but are too stuck up and uptight to talk about it and let's not forget that a lot of women beat off too.  There is nothing new about people beating off, but the only way the world is going to ever get any better is people need to talk openly about beating off, which is many of Pat's wonderful ideas on Pat's 2004 Vision of the World Page, which is what you need to read as soon as you are done beating off!