Helen's Corner

by Helen Paris

"Expand my knowledge and experience." "My New Year's Resolution." Little did I know what it was going to mean. I suppose my first understanding of HEW was based on misunderstanding ... an extra dimension to conventional sex? This idea was soon corrected. An obvious need for awareness of the horrors of sexually transmitted diseases makes the need for caution a prime concern.

In the early days, a new relationship has so many dimensions. When one is certain of some sort of future together, inevitably physical pressures begin to dominate. I have had a number of relationships in the past, including a marriage and motherhood, so obviously I am well-versed in convention. However, I knew that my new partner wanted to fulfil our relationship through HEW, leaving aside convention. I realised from the start that something different was going to happen and I had all the usual doubts plus a whole lot more. Would it be enjoyable? Would it be satisfying? Would I even know what to do? I had watched endless wrestling bouts ... screamed at useless refs, booed the villains and never failed to be surprised when the good-guy managed to overcome apparent near death and flatten his opponent. How on earth was this going to relate to what was supposed to be sex?

On my own at home, I experimented with a pillow, clasped firmly in a body scissors. It put up little resistance but I was getting the idea. The only relationship to the sort of wrestling I'd watched for so long, was in the hold structures. The idea of giving pain was never an option. We discussed these aspects, making sure that we both knew just what was required of each other. It was essential that we were completely honest, even to the point of admitting disappointment if necessary.

The occasion was right and totally natural, when we really explored each other for the first time. I was only slightly nervous that I would prove a disappointment, as I was revelling in the joy of having another body lying so close to mine. We spent long minutes holding each other and experimenting with squeezes and presses. It was quite wonderful. I was totally surprised to reach orgasm, with no contact in the usual places. It was every bit as exciting as the conventional routes and more so, because there are so many ways and so many places to stimulate.

I'm now a comparatively old hand. No more the dangers from STD's or unwanted children. With my perfect partner, we shall be experimenting for years before we become bored with HEW, if we ever do. It can be almost passive or very active ... whatever the mood dictates. I'm sure that the secret of success lies in knowing how to please and how to accept pleasuring, whilst at all times remaining totally honest when some move does not succeed. I don't even have to feign "the headache" any more if I'm not in the mood ... even the tiniest squeeze can mean something special. I have a much more intensely physical relationship now ... funny to think I was afraid that it may not be fulfilling!

Helen Paris has kindly volunteered to act as an "agony aunt" to all

readers, male and female, of HEW. Please send in your personal problems to her in time for the next issue. She cannot guarantee a personal reply, but will read all letters sent. All replies will be confidential and any printed may be modified to avoid identifying people, institutions or places.

... and this was the result:

Thought for the month:

Have you thought how often mis-understandings are the cause of break-downs in relationships? It seems so very sad that people who have a lot in common and have shared many things together should end over something trivial. It is vital to talk to each other and I really mean talk. Everyone must make themselves a time to talk to each other about things that could be worrying them or just about each other's interests. This way, mis-understandings can't happen as everything will be out in the open. Look at each other when you talk and see each other. Don't take it for granted if your partner has made a special effort to please you, compliment him or her.

Get communications going and the problem page will rapidly disappear and our only worries will be whether we can fit in all the success stories you send in.

I get on well with my girlfriend, but I am embarrassed about broaching the subject of wrestling - Mr S. (London)

This is a very common problem, and one often referred to us. It all boils down to communication, and is one of many intimate topics that people have difficulty in talking about.

There are two ways of going about this. First and best just plunge in and say it. Or if you really can't, try a more subtle approach, namely watching wrestling on tv and let things take their course.

I realise that there is a distinct absence of pure wrestling on tv, so you might need to resort to a video.

If you share conventional sex, it is not beyond anyone's imagination to introduce movements that could be construed as wrestling movements, and who knows, she might like it.

Good luck anyway!

I bought this magazine in desperation because my boyfriend is very keen on wrestling with me, but I am not so keen. What should I do? Ms M. (West Country)

The fact that you have subscribed to this magazine shows that you have a generous nature and want to please your man. If he is equally generous he will understand your reticence and the very act of bringing your feelings into the open and discussing them will surely give you the answer you are seeking.

I am 40, shy and all my friends are paired off. I would like to find a girlfriend keen on wrestling, but you haven't got any in your contacts section. What can I do? Mr W. - Scotland

Unfortunately there are a few narrow minded people who still see introduction agencies, marriage bureaux, call them what you will, as unacceptable. If you have failed to meet anyone through social contacts then I would urge you to consider one of these methods to meet someone.

The same inhibition stops a number of ladies amongst our readers from putting in an advertisement. So this is why we have not been able to help so far. Try one of the larger agencies, but don't place too much emphasis on wrestling in your advertisement, just include it amongst your other interests.

Let's face it, the more it is brought into the open the more people will come to accept it.

Time is the Root of All Evil:

What's that old saying? "Time and tide wait for no man" ... seems to me, they don't wait for woman either! How many times a day do we say, "I would have done it if I'd had time," or words to that effect. I often wonder how many things are ruined by time, or lack of it! My partner and I have an ongoing battle with time but fortunately, we both know that we can never manage to accomplish all the things we plan in the time available.

I got to thinking about how time passes for different people. I heard someone remark recently that they hated the time they had to spend alone, between getting home after the day and leaving again the next morning. I was quite horrified, as that is perhaps my most precious time. Thinking about it, someone without many interests or abilities must find that time can hang heavy. Some lessons in school could make thirty minutes seem like hours. Listening to the current crazes amongst the young, it seems that most of them are happy with a Nintendo or Sega and any sport seems to take the form of pushing a range of buttons as fast as possible. The time it takes as well ... a friend of mine said her husband is spending every spare moment playing with Super Mario, once the kids are in bed! She has realised that she has to give him time and be patient and is happy to pursue her "own thing" until the craze is over! There's nothing worse than someone sitting waiting for company when the other person is absorbed in their own interests. On the other hand, isn't it great when interests in common give lots of time together, sharing. I think the crunch comes when one person fails to realise that the other partner needs space. It would be wonderful if everyone was able to discuss this rationally without loss of temper and reach a happy compromise. It is so easy to let grumbles fester and grow without talking them out. I remember being really angry with an ex-partner once, when I wasn't getting enough of his time. I decided not to speak to him until he changed, (I was very young and inexperienced then). I kept it up for three days and finally gave in. To my chagrin, he hadn't actually realised that I wasn't speaking, so engrossed was he, with his hobby.

So, my advice to everyone ... talk it through, don't sulk and let problems grow beyond control and give the most precious thing you can, a little time. Remember, it only takes ten seconds to gain a knock-out that could totally change the result!

Is There Anybody Out There?

I have been aware of a number of our readers feeling a little disappointed that their adverts in HEW, seeking partners, have not been successful. There would seem nothing wrong with the wording or indeed, what they have to offer, but nonetheless, they are still seeking partners.

I took a good look through a number of other publications and I must say, there seemed little difference between them. I did myself at one time use these columns as a means of meeting people. Let's face it, the chances of meeting suitable partners by accident is very remote. It may be that some people are meeting great crowds of folk every day at work, but however many you meet, there has to be something special and anyhow, you can bet most of those you meet are married or attached. One can join clubs ... a step nearer finding someone with a shared interest, but so often there are people already paired-off and no-one of the right age/sex/appeal is sitting waiting for you!

Many magazines specialising in the singles scene are very discriminating about their adverts, to the point where they won't accept anything even remotely suggestive. For example, they might refuse a request for someone to share wrestling as this is slightly away from the respectability they try to achieve. In this case, putting in an advert saying this is your only interest could bring failure at the first hurdle. It would be much better to list wrestling among a whole series of interests. Let's face it, if it is your only interest, perhaps you should be looking at joining some sort of club, if only to broaden your life!

Personally, I feel it is very important that people should share a number of interests, if they are to make a go of things. Of course a partnership won't always work, even when both share many interests and I feel strongly that people need their own space as well as sharing. They say that working together and living together can be a recipe for disaster, so somewhere everyone should be able to seek and use time for themselves.

Isn't life tough? Here I am saying how sorry I am that everyone who wants one, doesn't have a partner, a person to share things with and all I have done is to say how difficult it is. OK, it is difficult for some, but surely to find the right one, it is well worth trying and keeping up the search until you do. I don't mean to suggest that you should go for the first person who seems willing. Some people don't think too hard before they plunge. I once met someone who had responded to an advert and within two hours, he thought I was the perfect soul-mate he had been seeking. He suggested we move in together ... marriage the lot, if I wanted. Believe me, you couldn't see me for dust! It takes time and effort to make things work and it just isn't worth hurrying things. I don't believe in the theory that there's one man for one woman ... there are heaps of each who would be quite suitable, with a little bit of give and take. Don't despair and don't be too impatient. As my Father would always say, if you haven't got what you want, you haven't tried hard enough or waited long enough.

Getting to Know You...

Can't life be frustrating? Education tries to teach you to be broad-minded, open in your outlook and above all, curious. I know I am and will always be curious, about all sorts of things. The frustration comes when you become passionately interested in something and then you cannot find anyone to share your interest. Any minority hobby or interest, may be thought peculiar ... one does not always admit to certain hobbies in a group of strangers, for fear of offending. You may learn later that another member of the group shared your interest and you have wasted valuable time which could have been spent discussing things.

Forming new relationships can be difficult. When two people meet, or write to each other or whatever way is used to get to know them, there is a huge grey area that is waiting for the right moment to be explored. For those interested in wrestling, it would hardly be appropriate to march up to someone in a disco or pub and ask if they'd fancy a wrestle! I don't think it is my natural British caution here ... if a stranger approached me with such a request, I should remove myself from the company or ask him to go!

Once you get to know someone, curiosity begins to take over. What sort of things do they like doing that they don't talk about? Do they have any fantasies they would like to act out? How you learn about this will depend very much on the sort of relationship you have. People need to be cautious in the way they bring up the subject. So often, couples question each other about the past ... what did you do with her/him? Did he/she like this or that? Sometimes these questions can be too intrusive and stand in the way of the development of the relationship. Not everyone wants to talk about the past ... too many painful memories, or things that bring back guilt feelings. The questioner may then interpret this as something you are hiding and curiosity makes them persist in asking more and more questions. Let's face it, everyone's past has helped form the person who is one you are talking to. Jealousy of past happenings can be most destructive and totally prevent any chances of a future between the two.

Even knowing someone well is not always enough to talk about some things. How many marriages or long-term relationships break down because of something you can't discuss sensibly? A woman might have some secret longing ... something she would like her man to do to or with her. Same for the man ... he might long for her to try something but doesn't dare mention it in case it ruins something else! There are always topics that are difficult to mention and often, after several years together, it is too late to talk about at this stage. Frustration again! What do you do about it? Seek someone else to try with? Risk shocking and maybe ruining the relationship? Or do you just fester on with unspoken frustrations inside you?

Being the proof reader for HEW, I read Mae's letter in this issue, (Page 8). She asks if English men are prudish? Personally, I don't think so ... not at all! Perhaps I would describe them as reserved, which is quite different.

Some English men find it difficult to talk openly, especially in the early stages of a relationship, but once they can relax and feel confident that they won't upset or offend a woman, then they are the same as any other of mankind's nationalities! I am not easily shocked ... as a counsellor in relationships and sex, there is no room for it! I take it as a lack of respect, if a stranger is too pushy. Naturally, I have had experience of people being too pushy ... a matter I deal with by making some comment that either puts them down or makes a joke of it. I think men are just the same. They don't like being compromised or pushed too far. If it's a quick hello/goodbye sort of thing, it probably doesn't matter, but if you hope for something more long term, you need to take time and put in the effort, being sure of the outcome before making too many suggestions. Are you willing to risk losing the person if they do take it badly? If so, and it matters to you, then caution!

In my experience, many people who seem open and friendly, have some things they want to keep private. Many people are shy of talking about their private lives. There are those who like to boast to their friends in the pub about all manner of exploits, sexual or not, but often this is just a face. Things that mean most are kept to oneself. I could never tell anyone else what my partner and I do in private ... even if they would be interested! I am lucky in having a partner with whom I can talk quite openly and we both trust each other completely. Gaining trust takes a long time and making time to talk and work at the relationship is the only way.

Writing to someone, through HEW or any other organisation, gives you something of a head start ... the other person has declared an interest in a subject by being part of the system. Even so, it does not imply that the other person is any less shy, or reserved than anyone you might meet in a pub, disco or anywhere else. It would be just great, if everyone with an interest in a special subject had some way of meeting everyone else with the same interests. Just think how many thousands of people would be HEW subscribers!