Your Beautiful (Sick, Twisted, Diseased) Mind

 by

Mulderslady

Part 4 of 5

Critiqued by The Wicked Witch of the Yukon

DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, wish they did. (Glad they don't. Shame on you for what you do to them.)
RATING: R to NC-17
CLASSIFICATION: Angst, MT, Smut (Medical Torture, Stupid Behavior)
KEYWORDS: MSR, Mental and Physical MT, Smut(now all we
need is some slash and everyone would be happy!) (Except for the Wicked Witch of the Yukon, who wouldn't be happy unless this fic magically ceased to exist.)
SPOILERS: Amor Fati and a slight one from The Sixth Extinction
URL: www.geocities.com/Area51/Capsule/5160/beautiful.html
FEEDBACK: Please!!! at [email protected]
ARCHIVE: Oh please, anywhere!! (Don't say you didn't ask for it.)
SUMMARY: After years on the edge, Mulder finally snaps

******************************************************
"I will continue here as long as I can... as long as you are beset by
the haunting illness which I saw consume your beautiful mind."
(My nomination for the most horribly overused line in all of fanfic. It's a shame, too, because it was lovely when Gillian said it.)
Scully from The Sixth Extinction
******************************************************
***********************

AUTHORS NOTE:: A more detailed explanation of Schizophrenia
can be found at the end of this
story. This is a serious long-term mental illness, and I described it
as accurately as possible in my
story, except schizophrenics are not usually prone to violent
outbursts. I took a little (!?!) poetic
license there, sue me after med school.
(If you practice medicine the way you research it, we can pretty much =guarantee= you'll be sued after med school. All the witches concur that the prospect of having someone with this view of the medical profession as our doctor gives all of us the Screaming Heebie-Jeebies.)

3 days later 11a.m.

(Mulder pried open Scully's gun safe, withdrew her service weapon, and killed everybody.  Then he turned the gun on himself and blew his schizophrenic brains out.  End of story.)

Mulder looked over his freshly cut grass and smiled at a job well
done. (Damn, it's not over.)
"Perfect." He said to himself.  (Glad to see Damacia's still fostering originality in her fic.  Yukon seems to recall a number of proclamations just like this in many of her stories.  Let's take a quick peek at a few of her other great works of art, and see where else this expression of pride and accomplishment appears in her work.  Obviously there is a good deal more wrong with these examples than just the overuse and misuse of "perfect", but I ask that the Gentle Readers overlook all that for the moment.  What we have here is an overriding theme and word addiction.

Oh look, there it is in "Summer Love":

She brushed her hand past his straining erection to find it coated in rubber
"Please" he asked quietly and she nodded. He moved forward, entering her quickly, sighing heavily from relief.
"God, you feel good"
"God, your big." They said simultaneously. Fox laughed slightly as he ravaged her mouth with his as he started to thrust into her. "Perfect. This is perfect, I love you Dana, I love you."

And look, there it is again in "Fall >From Grace":

Mulder put his tuxedo on and adjusted it in the mirror. Perfect, I look perfect.
"Perfect, you look perfect, Precious." His mother said placing a fresh red rose in his lapel.
" Now for the finishing touch, your cufflinks. These are special Fox. Your father wore them to our wedding and now I'm passing them to you. Maybe one day you can give them to your own son. Here let me see your cuffs." She said putting the cufflinks on. Mulder sighed heavily and removed his crash helmet.

And how about that?   It's also in "If You Could Only See":

"Wow I like that one, what do you think Mulder?" Tara asked him, eyeing the dress with wonder.
"I don't know yet haven't see it. I'll tell you in a second." Tara looked at him confused and watched him gently trace the lines of the dress.
"So what do you think?" Scully asked, waiting for the verdict.
"Perfect."

Yukon had a very hard time with this, because as it happens, the author has overused heinously the word "perfect" in nearly every story she's posted.   Cursory searches in Ephemeral and Xemplary yielded pages of results.  Damacia, honey, sweetie, not everything is perfect, feels perfect, or looks perfect.  It's imperfections that make stories, characters, and events interesting, so just back on off the perfection throttle a titch, okay?   There's a good girl.)

"Ok (the word is "okay" as in, "I just finished reading a Damacia Johnson story, and I don't feel okay.  I need to have a quick lie-down.")  Princess, we got (WE GOT?!?  My, how the educational standards at Oxford have declined.)  time for a round of Frisbee before lunch." He
said to the husky just as a dark blue Explorer pulled up in the
driveway.
"So that's Mulder? Nice looking guy."  (Who said this?)
"Remember he's still fragile from his illness ok?" (Who said this?)
"I know mom. (A comma would be good, as would a capital "M" on "mom". She went through weeks of backaches, swollen ankles, and hours of labor. She deserves it.) This isn't Bill your (Ew. "you're". DON'T ever make me say it again. It's too easy to get right.) talking too, I understand."   (Ah, so it's Charlie and Margaret.  Must we do this kind of investigative work just to read a story?)
Mulder looked at the car strangely (which for this atypical schizophrenic consisted of jamming his thumbs into his ears, hopping on one leg, and squinting at the Explorer with the intention of bending the hood through the use of telekinesis) till he saw Mrs. Scully pop out of
the passenger seat. (Cool. Insane!Mulder meets Liliputian!Margaret.)
"Fox, hey sweetheart, how you feel?" (asked Mrs. Cleaver, omitting part of the verb.   "I fine," say Foxy.)
"Better (comma) thank you. So this is Charlie and crew?"
"Yes, Charlie this is Fox Mulder, Dana's partner at the FBI."
"Former partner, now I just cook and clean for her."
"That sounds like her (huh?), (new sentence)  nice to meet you. This is my wife Julia, and
our two boys Mark and Aaron."
(Here comes another one of those mind-bogglingly wrong sentences.)
" Hi (new sentence) nice to meet you, (new sentence) um I was going to . . . are you hungry?" (no quotes here) I
was going to make some lunch."  (Five sentences in one.  Now THAT takes talent!)
"No we already ate thanks though." (Deciding...lack of punctuation or spliced sentence...lack of punctuation or spliced sentence? Heck, I'll berate the author for both.)
"Well come on in, let me get you guys settled in." then turning to
Princess, " Come on Princess." (Weird partial-sentence thing here.)
"Oh so that's the surprise she got you." Mrs. Scully said following
Mulder quickly (I want to stop here. Please give me a period so I can stop here.)
"Yeah something to keep me company and occupied, your rooms
are along this side Charlie and your on that side Mrs. Scully. I'll be in
the kitchen if you need me." (Out of breath from that horrid spliced sentence.)
"He seems like a nice guy, why doesn't Bill like him?" Charlie
asked. ("Because he's a dangerous mental case who never showed signs of his apparently acute neurological disorder in the past and killed a whole bunch of people yet isn't currently in prison and is living in sin with your sister.")
"You know your brother Bill, he doesn't need a reason."  (rimshot)

Mulder threw the Frisbee hard for Princess and she sprinted after it.
"Hey Fox."  (comma.  But of course it doesn't really matter this far into the horror, does it?)
"Hi Charlie, please call me Mulder, will ya?"
"No problem. I was going to ask you what you do, but . . ."
"I'm a house . . . husband." Mulder said instantly regretting it.
"Really?" Charlie asked amused(, unable to stop because the author neglected to end his sentence with a period.)
"Well I guess a stay at home dad now. Go for a long one Princess."
He said (Yukon scowls at the author) as he threw the Frisbee again. Charlie laughed and they
chatted awhile till ("until" is the word, is the word, is the word; it's got groove, it's got meaning) Mulder went back inside to start dinner. Scully's
mom came out and touched Charlie's arm gently.  (So maybe she was also Charlie's mom?)
"So what do you think?"  ("I think I've been written really badly, Scully's Mom.  I don't seem to have any personality or family history of any kind.   In fact, I think I'm just a third party here, waiting for an opportunity to Become Keen on Getting My Sister Together With Mulder^TM, despite the fact that they bought a house together and he called himself a husband.  What a nice guy he is!  He won't kill us while we sleep, right?")
"He's a great guy. I see why Dana likes him, but his eyes like dart
back and forth in his head, it's kinda freaky."
"That's part of his condition."
"Really, he said he had a breakdown, he didn't go into details." ("I didn't want to frighten you, son.  You see, Mulder is schizophrenic, even though his symptoms aren't consistent with schizophrenia, and he seems to have developed it under suspicious circumstances.  If you ask me, Charles, I believe he was intentionally given this disorder so that he could be tortured and then comforted in a really bad piece of fanfiction.")
"Yeah well Dana knows the extent but he's gotten a lot better since
I last saw him. Put on some weight too, that's even better." Charlie
smiled (comma or a period, but you must choose one)
"You are everyones (gak. It's "everyone's".) mom aren't you?"
"Always." (To prove her point, Margaret called up her beloved Walter Skinner and reminded him to eat his brussels sprouts.  Then she breast-fed the dog.)

Mulder pulled out the stuffed chicken he had seasoned the night
before and put it in the oven along with the glazed carrots and
collard greens. (Collard greens? The man is from Martha's Vineyard.)
"There." He said (to himself, the atypical schizophrenic,) as he set the timer on the microwave. The phone
rang
"Mulder."
"Hey sweetheart, how's it going?" ("I'm fine, thanks.  Who is this?  Because Dana Scully would never call me sweetheart.")
"Great, your families here." (Family's. Contraction. "Family is." Learn the language before you write in it.)
"Yeah mom has already called me I just want to check on you. (Three sentences, not one.)
CVS called and said they were out of your Thorazine, it ("it will be" perhaps?) maybe 2 or 3 (two or three)
days before they can refill it."
"That's fine I have enough till the end of the week." (Two sentences, and if you're going to use a contraction, you have to use the apostrophe. I know, nutty, ain't it?)
"Ok I'll be home in 10 and remember behave. (Punctuation! Oh, this hurts.) Last thing I need is (another half-dozen corpses on my hands)
mom making more solid plans on our wedding." Mulder laughed. (Jesus wept.  And she's right to be concerned.  How incredibly unrealistic for Margaret to assume that her daughter would consider marrying the man who's sharing a house with her and who is wearing a commitment ring that matches hers.  Those meddling mothers!)
"Ok Scully bye." (sigh)
"Dana?" Charlie asked as Mulder hung up the phone.
"Yeah she'll be home in 10 minutes, excuse me." Mulder said
heading back to his room and closed the door. (Wow. This is wrong in like four different ways. First, the quote is two separate sentences. Second, the period at the end of the quote should be a comma. Third, there should be a comma after "said". Fourth, well, it's just lousy writing.) 2 (no, you spell out numbers like this. It should be Two.) weeks or more
without making love to Scully, talk about torture, Mulder
thought as he took his pills and laid (LAY) across his bed on his stomach.

Scully came through the door (Period, period. Wherefore aren't there a period?)
"Hey mom and Charlie!" She said hugging them tightly (Period. Put a period at the end of a sentence. It's not just a good idea, it's a rule.)
"How are you? Everybody settled in and stuff?" (Is this Scully talking? And stuff?)
"Yeah, Mulder gave us the tour. I don't know if the gift we bought
is going to be good enough this place is beautiful." (Two sentences deserve two separate sets of capital letters and periods. Funny how that works.)
"Thank you, where is Mulder, out side?" (ooh. Two sentences. Outside is one word. LEARN THE LANGUAGE.)
"Ah, no he went back to his room a few minutes ago he hasn't come
back out yet." (What a bargain! Three, three, THREE sentences in one!)
"He hasn't? Let me check on him real quick and put my stuff
down." (More with Scully and stuff?  Dana Scully is very well educated and well spoken.  "Real quick" is simply not in her vocabulary.)
Scully said heading down to her bedroom then to Mulder's. (This is not a sentence. If the period after 'down' had been a comma, then all would have been fine with the world. Well, almost. This fic would still suck. And there would STILL be a comma missing after 'said'.) I'll
never get to sleep tonight, she thought, I've gotten so used to him in
my bed. She opened the door and saw Mulder asleep on his
bed.
"Hey. (COMMA!) " She said softly, running her fingers lightly along his back.
"Hmm? Hey honey(COMMA!)what time is it?" (Honey?)
"4:30."

(And here comes one of the most fundamentally flawed sentences in all of fanficdom:)

"Oh (COMMA!)ok (okay.) the (The) foods (food's) got 30 more minutes" (PERIOD!)

(UG!!! This hurts so much.  I'm going to take a little break for a while and brew up some soothing chamomile tea in my cauldron.  Please hold...

...click here, for your listening pleasure while I calm down...

Dee doo doo doo dee doo doo doo, doo dee doo doo doo dee doo doo doo...

Ahhh.  That's better.  Now back to the wreck.)

"Ok I'll keep an eye on it, you rest ok?"  (Three sentences in only nine words.  In one sentence.  A new record!)
"Alright." (No, it's "all right" in this country.) Mulder said closing his eyes again and exhaling heavily. (Sigh. Yukon will hereby disregard the comma/quote/remainder-of-the-sentence thing from here on out. It just happens too much and, like Scully in "Pusher", she's not going to waste another moment on it. Just know that it's wrong, okay, Gentle Readers?)
Scully tucked an errant strand of her fiery hair (gak) behind her ear and
kissed him tenderly on the nape of his neck. Her mother smiled
secretly when she saw that. (And how exactly did she see that?  We haven't seen Margaret since Scully went in to check on Mulder.  Author, have you never played mime games?  You can't have the pie one minute, wave your arms the next minute, and then have the pie again.)  Finally, I knew them living in the
same house would finally defrost her a little.  (Which might have made sense if any of the following conditions had existed:

• The sentence had been indicated as a thought rather than as narrative.
• Margaret Scully had been given even a sliver of characterization, so we would understand why she advocates her only remaining daughter living in sin with a violent, deranged man.
• Margaret Scully had actually demonstrated that she felt her daughter was icy.  We've seen Margaret Scully with her daughter, author, and those times have been - almost without exception - very emotional and dramatic, if not downright traumatic.

This is just a study in badness.)

"You were right (comma) he can cook!" Mrs. Scully said as She (try 'she') finished her
carrots. ("Good girl, Margaret," Mrs. Scully told herself, still needing to mother everyone.  "If you eat all your collard greens, you can have some cake."  Oddly, in that moment, Mrs. Scully was demonstrating more accurate symptoms of schizophrenia than the misdiagnosed, violent maniac who cooked the meal.)
"You haven't seen anything yet. I've been working on perfecting
this cake for weeks. I think I've got it too. 1001 chocolate chip, triple
fudge cake." Mulder said as he laid the chocolatey wonder (Urp.   Chocolatey wonder?  Yukon has been rendered speechless.) on the
table.
"Charlie can we take him home with us?" Julia asked as She took a
bite of cake. ("Sorry, honey. I really don't want a schizophrenic with a history of violence in the house with the children. How about something less dangerous, like a pet Velociraptor?")
"Nope Dana would shoot me if I tried to do that." (Or Mulder would, like he shot all those innocent people he killed yet didn't go to a maximum-security hospital over.)
"Well at least I know how Fox put on some extra weight, surprised
he hasn't put any on Dana though." (Okay, I'm also giving up on the spliced sentence thing from here on out. Just know they're there and that they're just completely wrong and heinous, okay?)
"I know when to say when on Mulder's cooking. I think he's made
it his personal mission to put 20 pounds on me in 6 months. I can't let
him win." (since Scully has stopped speaking, this belongs in a new paragraph) They laughed and chatted for a while then Julia
noticed a flash of metal on Mulder's finger.
"What's that? Oh this is pretty. Is that platinum and gold?"
"Yeah it was my father's." Mulder said, Scully mentally breathed a
sigh of relief. Please don't tell them it's your father's wedding ring, or
that it's our commitment ring and that I have on exactly like it on my
opposite ring finger, she thought.
"More cake?" Mulder asked cheerfully, switching subjects.
("We are wearing commitment rings, we bought a house together, but Mulder, shhhhh...ixnay on the elationshipray!  I don't want my family to find out!"  Scully needn't worry.  Her family members are dumber than stumps in this story.  They could fuck right in front of the Scullys and they wouldn't be giving the 'secret' away.)

"So Dana (comma) what exactly is wrong with Mulder?" Charlie asked as he
joined Scully out on the back porch with their mom.
"He has schizophrenia."
"You're kidding?"
"No it shocked me too, cause he's never really exhibited symptoms
like I thought. (because he doesn't have it)  But the more I think about it, the more I realize he did,
but it seemed like his normal behavior (that's because it was his normal behavior.  Mulder isn't schizophrenic.  Schizophrenics show symptoms earlier in life, they are not prone to violent outbursts, and they struggle with...oh forget it). I called it Mulder in profiling
mode."
"So he's on medication?"
"Yeah."  ("He really ought to be in a maximum security hospital, but when I batted my long lush lashes at the judge, he gave in and told us two knuckleheads to get out of his court and live happily ever after, in sin.")
"So if he's controlled why was he . . ."
"Oh cause (Scully says "cause"?) he didn't know he had it. (That's because he didn't.)  One day he snapped, walked
out of his apartment, barefoot and half dressed, and started shooting
people."  (Research.  Midwest did it for you, and it only took a few minutes.  Isn't it worth the time to get it right?  Why bother to write such a long story if you're going to skimp on the research?)
"Oh!"
"But now when ever (one word) he has a psychotic break it seems like he tries
to hurt himself. He only has one where there are lapses in his meds,
which isn't much. Though if CVS doesn't fill his prescription soon he
may have one over the weekend."  (Because of course Scully thinks it's more important to save a few bucks than ensure a potentially violent or self-destructive psycho is properly medicated.)
"So the kids are safe around him?" ("Sure!  As long as your definition of safe includes possible death and dismemberment.")
"Oh yeah everyone's safe except Mulder. He'll start showing mild
symptoms till some outside stress sets him off and he'll break. So I try
to keep things as lax as possible around here." (Lax, as opposed to "relaxed".  Because you would definitely want careless arrangements surrounding a potentially violent schizophrenic, rather than a stress-reduced atmosphere. Author, look up the difference.  It's called knowing your language.

I give up on the vocab issue.  Well, good golly and a salamander's tongue, that's a lot already that I'm having to overlook for the sake of my sanity.  Let's take a quick review  on what Yukon has given up correcting in this horrible, horrible story:

•  The comma before the closing quote/lower case ghost
•  The horrible spliced sentences
•  The misuse of the language

No.  No, that's too much to surrender.  I will not give in this much.  I will be strong, I will fight the good fight, I will never, ever walk away.  Because if I quit now...eh, you know the rest.)


11 p.m.

Mulder turned over in bed and sighed. I can't sleep without her.  (That is really disorienting.  Author, set those personal thoughts apart from the 3rd person narrative.)
He got up and went to her room and climbed in next to her.  (Next to whom?  Yukon is nearly blushing at the idea that Mulder might have accidentally bunked with one of the other two Scully women currently staying in the house.)
"Mulder? I thought we agreed . . ."
"Yeah (comma) I know (comma) but I can't sleep."
"I know(period) fine(Fine), just sleep(comma) okay?" (new paragraph) Mulder nodded and pulled her to
his chest and snuggled in for the night. (No way he'd be taking advantage of his poor tired Scully tonight.  Even a sick, under-medicated psycho like Mulder understood that awkward, humiliating sex couldn't take place without both Linoleum and paper towels.

Oh, and Author?  Here's an advance: comma comma comma comma comma.  That should take care of the next couple of sentences.)

8 am

Charlie and Mrs. Scully peeked in on Mulder to find him missing.  (Naturally they were extremely concerned, considering Mulder's history with atypical violence and mental instability.)
"Where is he?"
"I don't know (new sentence) maybe Dana knows." Mrs. Scully said peeking into
Dana's room (and) smiling softly when she saw them (PERIOD)   ("Thank God," she sighed to her son in relief.  "He didn't kill her.")
"Found him." Scully was buried into his chest (ouch), her arms around him
loosely (which meant they weren't really around him.  Mulder is a big guy, and Scully is a very tiny woman). Mulder's face was nuzzled in her hair, his fingers making lazy
circle on her back and side.
"Hey she's got the same ring on(PERIOD  I guess it's kind of silly that we failed to notice that, even though we spent the entire evening with her.   Boy, Dana really did get the brains in the family.)"
"Huh?" (Yurp.  Margaret is Suddenly Stupid.)
"His ring, She's got one her right hand." Her mom looked at the
ring and the scene before her. Could they have . . . Scully moaned
softly and shifted against Mulder (That's an incredibly wrong sentence.)
"Good morning (COMMA) sunshine. (NO, YOU USE A COMMA HERE)" H(h)e said softly, brushing strands of fire (GAK)
out of her face, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

(Yukon would like to understand how this scene is laid out, physically, because it seems awfully strange for everything described to be readily visible to Mrs. Scully as she spies shamelessly on her daughter and her live-in psycho.   Let's review, shall we?

1. Scully is buried into Mulder's chest, regardless of how painful and potentially messy that can be.
2. Scully moans and shifts against Mulder.
3. Meanwhile, Scully's ring is visible, in that her arms are wrapped loosely around him.
4. Mulder makes lazy circles on Scully's back and sides, we hope with only his fingertips.  Yukon has seen the film "Dark City" and was struck with potentially disturbing images of PsychoMulder inflicting spiral-shaped knife wounds on his victim.
5. Mulder brushes hair away from Scully's face and kisses her forehead.

Author, how is Mulder lying?  Which direction is the bed facing?  In other words, how the hell can Margaret and Charlie see everything you've described?  You must pay attention to POV.  It's not just a stupid rule some teacher tried to force you into obeying.  It's necessary to create an accurate picture of who is witnessing and thinking what.  You need to do it for your readers.   If you don't do it, you don't deserve to have them in the first place.)

"Hey what time is it?"
"10 after 8."
"Um, OH! I gotta go." (GRR)  She said tearing away from him quickly and
starting to stand when Mulder grabbed her around the waist and sat
her back on the bed.
"Mulder! I can't be late today." Mulder nuzzled into her side, his
hands making circles on her waist and moving down to her thighs.
"Mulder don't start something you don't have time to finish."
"Who says I don't have time?" Mulder said kissing her side through
her gown.  ("All I need is twenty seconds or less.   Just a thrust or two, and it's spurt-spurt for old Foxy!  Got any paper towels?")
"I do(PERIOD), (B)back down (COMMA) G-man or the next time you can't sleep, you and
Princess will be camped out in the living room couch."
"Drat!" he said releasing her, smiling (COMMA)
"(T)that's better, (PERIOD) you need to be up cooking anyway. You have 5 (FIVE)
hungry mouths to feed besides you and Princess." (Mulder and Princess are mouths?  Ick.)
"Man (COMMA) you wake up bossy. I'm up, I'm up." Mulder said getting up
slowly. Mrs. Scully and Charlie moved away quickly to the kitchen
(Then some unidentified person there said, )"Did that look more than friendly to you or are they always like
that?"
"Well I don't know. I guess it was them in a playful mood." Mrs.
Scully said with a knowing smile on her face.
("You must be right, Mom.  I mean, they're  living together, wearing matching rings, sleeping together, deciding they didn't have quite enough time for sex this morning, and being generally affectionate to each other.   You think that maybe they're in some kind of a -- relationship?"
"I don't know, son," Margaret replied.  "We'll have to watch them more closely from here on out and see if we can find out anymore about them.  Maybe you should try interrogating Mulder, and maybe later you and your personality-free wife could invade Dana and Mulder's privacy by watching them have sex!  Say," she said, summing up, "do you have any fried apples?")

Mulder came out and started mixing pancake batter, slapping batter
and bacon on the griddle. (Bad use of tense here.  Your timeline is screwy, because you have him making the batter and slapping[?] it on the griddle at the same point in time.)  Scully rushed through and grabbed her
briefcase. Mulder handed her, (Pay attention, Gentle Readers: Yukon is about to suggest that Ms. Johnson actually delete a comma here.  Just take a deep breath, and you'll be okay.)  her coffee cup (DAMN IT, DAMACIA,  put a period at the end of a sentence.

It's a very simple matter, dearie.  If my prior sentence wasn't a good enough example for you, just remember this in the future:

Start with a capital and end with a full stop, or I will be forced to hunt you down like an animal and do you grievous bodily harm, Damacia.

There.  Does that help at all?        Hmmm?)

"Later (comma) princess."
"Ok (Okay.  PERIOD)  (H)have a good day (COMMA) Mulder (COMMA) and don't call me princess (PERIOD)" (T)then (she said) to
Charlie and crew (COMMA)
"Bye you guys (PERIOD)  (S)see you around 5(FIVE). (COMMA)" Scully said (COMMA) running out the
door.

OW.  Make it stop!  This hurts!

"Dang! Her (consarn) lunch. (COMMA)" Mulder cursed under his breath as he grabbed
it out of the fridge and ran out the door after her. (POV Whiplash Alert)  She pulled out of
the driveway and was getting ready to speed off when she saw Mulder
fly in front of the car (PERIOD, DAMN IT, and all that medication was really doing wonders for Mulder's abilities.  He might not have been able to investigate crimes anymore, but heck, he was airborne!  "Yudda, yudda, yudda," Mulder said, firing his pretend machine guns at Scully's Explorer Biplane.   "I'll get you, Red Baron!" he shrieked as he dove down for a second attack.)  
"You forgot your lunch!" (New paragraph) She rolled down her window and
reached for it (PERIOD, then the same paragraph)
"Thanks babe, bye.(COMMA)" (s)She said as (s)She pulled him into a deep kiss on
the lips(PERIOD!)
"I love you.(COMMA)" Mulder mouthed to her as (s)She waved and drove off.
"Definitely more than friends(COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA)" Charlie thought as he watched
Mulder come back towards the house, a lovesick grin on his face.

(Yukon (COMMA) is greatly (COMMA COMMA) distressed.  (COMMA COMMA COMMA)  She thinks that (COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA COMMA) she may have the grammatical equivalent to the (COMMA) hiccups.  (COMMA)  She takes a long swig of (COMMA) water, which seems to (COMMA COMMA COMMA) calm them slightly.  Who said bad writing didn't hurt anybody?)

Mulder laid in his hammock and watched Julia and the boys (There are boys in this story?  What are their names?  What do they look like?   Oh, who cares.  They'd probably just end up being [COMMA] undercharacterized generic Children^TM with the Scully family intelligence equivalent to that of Silly Putty.  A small lump of it.) playing
with Princess in the back.
"Hey (COMMA) Mulder."
"Hey (COMMA) Charlie."
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Sure."
"Do you love her?"
"Who?" (Do you want to describe any of this?  What the POV character is thinking or feeling?  What Mulder's expression looks like?   What he thinks of the way Mulder looks?  This is a story.  You have to make us care what happens next.  Honestly, the only thing that could possibly happen that would be even remotely satisfying would be another really violent outburst resulting in multiple deaths of very nice people.  Sure, it'd be out of character, but it wouldn't be as mind-numbingly boring as this.  COMMA COMMA COMMA)
"Dana." (new paragraph) Mulder paused a second, then nodded yes.
"I thought so. Have you two . . . are you two involved?(   You see, I had trouble determining this today when I saw you in bed together, wearing matching wedding bands, being physically affectionate in the house you share.    Mom couldn't figure it out either, so I thought I'd ask.  If it's not too much trouble, could my wife and I watch you two have sex later on?)"
" Yeah (COMMA) but don't tell Mrs. Scully (or even "your mom") or she'll start picking out china
patterns." Charlie laughed (PERIOD)
" My doctor said it wouldn't be wise to get married yet the stress
and all and me not being stable yet." ("He really thought I ought to be in a maximum-security hospital, seeing I shot a whole bunch of innocent people, but I had myself released Against Medical Advice. Cool what those FBI creds can do for ya!  Heck, with my mental handicap, I can even get away with appallingly bad grammar and sentence structure.")
"Yeah well you have my blessing man. Any guy who can cook,
clean everyday for my sister and run out in front of moving cars to
give her lunch is worth liking." (Even if he *is* a violent psycho.)

3 days later  (Actually more like two and a half months.   Yukon took a very long break right here, because this story was destroying her mind.  She took a while to write in her journal, wander aimlessly by the seashore, make some daisy necklaces, that kind of thing.  She has hung garlands of pansies over her cauldron and has perched a cheerful bluebird and a cute little bunny on the hearth, to help maintain her good humor.

So with a happier outlook and a fresh approach, Yukon is ready to take on the remainder of this chapter!  Gumdrops and bunnies for EVERYBODY, Gentle Readers!      Whee!)

"What do you mean you don't have it yet? I called in the refill at the
beginning of last week! He can't have a break in his medicine like
this! No, his doctor does not have the dosage he needs. Look (comma   i)If you
can't fill it I know Walgreen's can, just never mind."   (Very good, Damacia.  You only made two errors in this sentence!   )
Scully slammed the phone down on the receiver.
"Mulder?" He rocked back and forth on the couch, his head buried
in his hands.  (Wow!  Two sentences in a row without grammatical errors!  That's just GREAT, author!  I'm so proud of you! <g>)
"Mulder? You okay my adorable G-man?" (Neat!  I haven't seen the term 'G-man' used in, oh, HOURS now.  That's great.  I was really missing it.      Thanks, author!)
"No, they won't shut up. It hurts when they start yelling at me.
Make them stop."
"I'm trying (I'd be really happy, author, if you'd put a comma in here, okay?  Thank you!  ) sweetheart." Scully said picking up the phone and
dialing Walgreen's. She explained the problem She was having with
CVS and gave them the insurance info.
"Tomorrow is that the earliest? Okay thank you very much (This sentence is actually two separate sentences.  I understand how you could make this mistake though - I mean, the action is so exciting here, you wouldn't want to stop for a silly little period or capital letter.  ) good
bye."
"OW! Shut up!" Mulder screamed
"Mulder it's me Scully. It's okay, (Um, that's one sentence all by itself there.  But hey, you got "okay" right, so that's just super duper!  )  lets (Actually, that's "let's".) go play Frisbee with princess (I actually don't know quite what to make of this next bit because it's not a sentence or two - it's kind of mushed up.  But I'm in a forgiving mood, so I'll just smile and sing a happy little tune and hope that Damacia will fix what's wrong.)
or how about you show me around your garden (Comma, please?   Thank you!) okay?" He nodded
and got up quickly walking outside. Scully sighed 23 more hours (Wow, that's a long time for her to spend sighing.  Are you sure that's what you meant?)   till (It should really be "until".  And that rabbit is suddenly looking less like chipper company and more like dinner.  Must think happy thoughts.  Skinner in his skivvies.  Muldertorture with hints of UST.  Krycek dialogue.  Ahh, that's better.)
he gets a refill, after two long day without it. (And, um, Scully let him run out without even trying to contact Walgreen's?   That seems kind of stupid to chipper old Yukon here.  Maybe...no, no, I won't go down that road of negativity.  I'm in a happy place now.  The bluebird is singing and all is right with the world.              )  The ticks
and the talking to himself came back first, now the voices, just hang
on a few more hours Mulder. (Don't forget to separate the internal monologue from the narrative, author!  I'd be so grateful if you'd do it in the future, okay?     Thanks!!!  <g>)
Scully went outside to find him chatting with a sunflower in his
garden. Scully smiled and touched his arm lightly and he smiled down
at her, introducing her to the flower. (Hey, Damacia's here in happyland with Yukon!    That's really swell!)

9 p.m.

Scully petted his hair gently as he slept on the couch peacefully.
Finally She thought. (That would be a start, I guess.  Scully thinking.  What a concept.  Oh dear, it appears that bluebird's song is becoming a touch annoying.  Yukon shoots it a dirty look and turns back to the story.)
"How is he?" Charlie asked softly  (A period would be good here.)
"Okay right now, they'll have it ready tomorrow at 10 am. So by
11 am, I'll have him doped up and by the afternoon, he'll be back to
semi stable Mulder. Hand me that blanket will you?" Charlie handed
her the blanket and helped her cover him up.
"Thanks Charlie, you've been a big help."
"Anything for my favorite sis and her favorite guy."
"What do you mean Favorite guy?"  (Right, because their relationship is such a well-guarded secret, and....OH, that bluebird is getting on my last nerve!  Yukon flings a stinky black boot at it, triggering a horrifying chain reaction that leads to the sudden and violent demise of the aforementioned bluebird by strangulation, bludgeoning, and - although it's complicated to explain - a brain aneurysm.   She then eyes the rabbit, which is looking just a little nervous now.)
"Oh don't play coy with me. The matching rings, commitment
rings. The kiss outside the other morning, the way you act around
each other, plus I got it out of him a few days ago."  (Right.   Detail all the evidence, and then tack on to the end that you snagged a confession out of the other half of the pair.  Those Scullys are really rather stupid, aren't they?  And that bunny's lookin' mighty tasty.)
"Well don't . . ."
"Tell mom? He told me that too. I won't, though I think She knows
already." ("Probably because we saw you two snuggling in bed a few days ago.  But I guess that could just be stuff that platonic friends do when they buy a house together and wear matching rings and stuff.") Scully smiled and kissed Mulder gently on the temple (PERIOD.)
"I love you (COMMA) Mulder." She whispered in his ear and went to bed.
Mulder smiled in his sleep and exhaled heavily, shifting a little.
Charlie smiled and touched his arm lightly
"Night (COMMA COMMA COMMA) Mulder (PERIOD)   (CAPITAL H)hope you feel better, (PERIOD) (CAPITAL W) we miss you."

(UG.

That bunny is history.

Hasenpfeffer, anyone?

Yummy yum yum.  I put a little bluebird in there for flavor, and some Lark's Vomit for color and texture.  And all those fucking flowers, too.   DAMN, this author can ruin a good mood faster than Pat Robertson crashing a Kwanzaa bash.)

1am

"Charlie where are you going?" Julia asked groggily (PERIOD)
"To check on Mulder."
"Sweetie (COMMA) he's fine (PERIOD) Dana's got him under control."
"I know but I'm still worried. It will only take a second.(COMMA COMMA COMMA)" Charlie
said as he headed to the living room.
"He's gone!"
"What?" Julia said coming towards him.
"He's gone, where could he . . ." The toilet flushed and they heard
water running then Mulder appeared from the bathroom, he paused
for a second, then headed towards his bedroom and stopped (PERIOD)
"(W)what's he doing?"
"I don't know." Charlie said as they shadowed him loosely. He (He who? Mulder or Charlie?)
looked over to Scully's room, smiling (who's smiling?) he (who, Mulder?  Be clearer!)  went in.
"Oh my(! or , would work) he's going into Dana's room (PERIOD) (I) is that safe?"
"Yeah." Charlie said knowingly, peeking in slightly. (Right.   Because knowing that his sis is bangin' the psycho isn't quite enough.   Stupid!Charlie Scully has to see said bangin' with his own stupid eyes.) Mulder
climbed into bed and brushed away strands of stray hair from her face.
He lightly traced her jaw line with just the tips of his fingers, tracing
down to her neck where he placed a gentle kiss.
"Mulder? What's wrong? Can't sleep?"
"Yeah." He showered her neck with more kisses, his hands
exploring her creamy expanses. (Is this supposed to be sexy?)
"Mulder? I thought we agreed . . ."
"Charlie knows, your mom knows."
"Yeah but . . ." Mulder kissed her gently on the lips then pulled
away only to kiss her again hungrily. Scully's hands played along his
arms and back as he kissed his down to her collarbone and started to
slip her gown off her. When he flung her gown aside and it
floated gracefully to the floor, Charlie made a hasty exit. (Yukon will comment on this bit in blue immediately following this scene.)
"Yeah he's fine, Julia." Julia sat mesmerized, they're involved? (Ick.  First off, try to make it two sentences.  You'd really want to do that because the first half is in 3rd person and the second half is in first person.  Internal musings need to be set off from the rest of the narrative somehow.   Oh, and DUH.  Apparently stupidity is a trait acquired through marriage.   Two people are living together, wearing matching rings, and having sex.  Yukon is wondering which piece of the puzzle Stupid!Julia is missing.  Let's see how much additional convincing this moron needs before she figures out that they're involved.)   She
watched as Mulder climbed over top of Scully, (enough to prove the point) kissing and licking
his way down and back up, (MORE than enough to prove the point)   the satisfied moans of Scully denoting he
was doing a good job. (clearly proving the point) Scully kissed him right under his
chin (reciprocity - definitely proves the point) and he let loose a loud groan. (her efforts are appreciated - beyond proof of the point)
"Sssh!"  (They don't want to be caught - implying that they are aware of their actions.  Further proof.)
"Sorry you know what you do to me when you kiss me there. (Evidence of past experiences.  Proof.)  I
love you so much Dana." (He loves her.  Proof undeniable.)   He said attacking her lips again (proof, and EW) as he
entered her cautiously. (Mulder just slid his penis into Scully's vagina.  From JULIA'S point of view.  And she's still watching, so apparently the idiot needs more proof than that.)
"I love you too(COMMA - and PROOOOOOF) but let(')s try and keep the noise level to a minimum."
Mulder nodded as he started to thrust into her. (Mulder is now humping Scully like a rabid dog.  Stupid!Julia is probably close enough to hear those unmistakable squishy sounds, for the sake of Pete.)  Julia closed the door (COMMA)
giving them a little privacy.  (Only JUST a little, considering she already witnessed full penetration.  What a smarmy person to be related to.   Of course, considering that everyone in this story demonstrates astoundingly poor judgement, minor voyeurism is hardly a serious offense.

Now, before we go any further, gentle readers, we must take a moment to examine the following two sentences from the scene above.

Scully's hands played along his arms and back as he kissed his down to her collarbone and started to slip her gown off her. When he flung her gown aside and it floated gracefully to the floor, Charlie made a hasty exit.

There is no mistaking the lack of errors in these two sentences, and it has caused Yukon to sit and ponder for a while.  To be exact, Yukon has pondered this for nearly three weeks.  [Long breaks are often necessary when critiquing Damacia's writing.]

This is what Yukon has been pondering: She is not convinced that Damacia Johnson is for real.  It's possible, just ever so possible, that this "bad writing" is a front - a kind of intentional badfic - and we've all been snowed.  These two sentences are perfectly competent, and the second demonstrates a construction seemingly beyond the ability of someone who makes as many serious errors as the author does elsewhere in the story.

The Wicked X Witches are in the process of putting up an "It's Pat" page, featuring stories of which we are unsure - work we feel strides the narrow line between intentional and unintentional badfic.  After further review, we may just have to add a Damacia Johnson story to the list.)

Next morning

Mulder placed a pile of steamy pancakes and waffles on the table
and put more bacon in the pan. Scully swooped in and grabbed her
coffee and ran out the door. Mulder looked back at the table.
"Dang it!" He said grabbing her lunch and heading after her. ("You forgot your consarn lunch, you varmint!") She
was waiting for him just outside the door.
"How you feel?" S(s)he asked concerned.
"Great!, I always feel this way after we make love." Scully turned
crimson. (Move her reaction to a separate paragraph, otherwise it looks like Scully made the preceding comment.)
"What? What I say?"
"You're so . . . nothing. (You said it, sister.) You have a good day (PERIOD) I'll be back here by
10:30 or 11 to give you your meds(COMMA) ok(Okay)?"
"Yeah (PERIOD) I love you Scully.(COMMA)" He said (COMMA) pulling her to him. She kissed
him under his chin, making him groan loudly. (This should be part of the next paragraph.)
"Did any of your other girlfriends know about your chin G-spot?"
"Only you.(COMMA)" he said kissing her deeply on the lips, his tongue
exploring her mouth quickly then he pulled away and handed her, her
lunch.  (Damacia's giving her, her worst writing here.)
"Have a good day. (COMMA QUOTE UG) Mulder said (COMMA) waving at her and heading back in(to)
the house.

A Quick Word from Yukon about In versus Into

• He dove in the pool.
• He dove into the pool.

What's the difference between these two examples?  The first implies that the individual was already in the pool, and dove within the water surrounding him.  The second implies that the individual was outside of the pool, and entered it with a dive.

On/onto works the same way.  Yukon has seen this error in other stories, and it irks her.   When "Mulder whispers in Scully's ear" it's a genuine feat of science-fiction - - he's small enough to fit inside her ear when he whispers.)

10 am

Scully drove through the drive thru pharmacy, picking up Mulder's
Thorazine. (")Please don't let me be too late,(YAY on the COMMA) (s)She thought as (s)She sped
off.

(Sorry, Scully, but you're way too late.  You had the chance to order his vitally important medication before you ran out, but you are an idiot.  In fact, you are a heinously out-of-character idiot.  You're so incredibly stupid that should Mulder turn violent, you deserve to be his next victim.  With a violent killer in your care, running out of his medication is a crime against the community.   Shooting's too good for you.)

Same time at the house. (a period at the end of the time frame statement?)

Charlie kept a loose eye on Mulder most of the morning. (Gross.)   He went
in back to play with Princess and Charlie relaxed, he'll be okay he
thought till he heard a heart wrenching scream come from
outside. (Yukon wants to correct this but has no idea how it could become a decent, useable sentence.  She supposes that:

He went out back to play with Princess and Charlie relaxed.  "He'll be okay," Charlie thought, until he heard a wrenching scream come from outside.

would work.  No, it's technically correct now, but it's still really bad writing.) He ran to the porch to see Mulder collapsed on the ground (COMMA)
curled up in a ball (COMMA) holding his head.
"Mulder? You alright (all right)?" ("Yeah, thanks.  I'm just curled up in a ball after having emitted a bloodcurdling scream, and I'm holding my head.  Being a dangerous psycho with an untreated neurochemical disorder because my stupid girlfriend forgot to refill my medication before I ran out, I might give you cause for worry, but really, I'm just fine and dandy.  Wanna shoot some pool?)  He looked at Charlie, fear in his eyes and
he scurried to his feet and took off running.
"Mulder! Mulder! Oh boy." Charlie said as he ran after him..(One's normally sufficient, author.)
"Charlie (COMMA) what's wrong?"
"Mulder's breaking(PERIOD)  (C)call Dana.(COMMA)" (h)He shouted back (COMMA) trying to catch up
to Mulder. (")Dang he's fast,(" and YAY for the COMMA) Charlie said as he put more speed on
closing the gap a little. ("Consarn that schizoid varmint!") Mulder stopped suddenly and turned
towards (no s) Charlie. Charlie slowed down only to have Mulder charge
him, knocking him to the ground.
"That's not true! No! Shut up! I'm not listening(PERIOD or exclamation point) (Y)you're a liar!" (h)He
screamed at Charlie as he started to walk back towards the house.
Scully drove up in the driveway and Julia pointed her in the right
direction.
"Mulder?"
"Leave me alone (COMMA) Charlie."
"Mulder (COMMA) look (punctuation of some sort, please) Dana . . ." Charlie stared, touching his shoulder lightly
only to have Mulder whirl around and punch him hard. He reached
down and picked him up, (Be more specific with the he/him in this paragraph, for the sake of clarity.) bringing his inches from his face. Charlie
watched his frantically darting eyes, dread welling up inside him as
Mulder pulled back his fist.
"Mulder stop!" Scully said (COMMA) touching his arm gently, (PERIOD)  (H)he dropped
Charlie and pulled his hand back to backhand Scully ,(unnecessary comma) when he
stopped.
"Scully?"
"Yeah it's me Mulder, come with me, come home okay?" (UG) Mulder
nodded, and kissed her on the forehead gently.
"Help Charlie up and say your sorry first okay?" (Right, because he doesn't have a neurochemical problem, causing irrational and violent behavior.   No, he's just a misbehaving child who needs to be taught right from wrong.   For the sake of Pete.)  He nodded again
and picked Charlie up off the ground and apologized softly.
"That's okay Mulder." Mulder reached from (for?) Scully's hand and
squeezed it gently. His head twitched back and forth, and he started
murmuring to himself softly.
"Can I interrupt?"  (Tell me this isn't some sick kind of witty banter, because that's in incredibly poor taste.  Of course, considering the mental picture I'm still carrying around featuring paper towels and fried apples, this unappealing image pales by comparison.)
"Always."
"I got your meds, We'll be going to Walgreen's from now on,(PERIOD)  (T)they
even gave me some so I could give you an injection right now, so
you can get a big dose in your system." Mulder nodded and brought
there (their) joined hands to his lips, kissing hers gently. (Because he's relatively stable now, just knowing the drugs are here.  What a crock of shit.

And that's it for my part of this mess.  This disaster.   This horrendous, appalling, insultingly stupid, sick, heinous, evil, hurtful, painful, mind-bogglingly inaccurate story.  Someone revoke Damacia's list-posting privileges posthaste.)

General Evilness       
5/5
Nothing redeeming, which is surprising, considering the length.

Who ARE These People?        etc.
497/5
Random stupid people, obviously.

I R a Gud Speler       
2
Typos.

Grammar/Punctuation       
5
Horrendous.  Shame on you.

Mary Sue Must Die        ?
?/5
It's hard to say with any certainty.

Wild Card:  It ain't no fun if Mulder's healthy

12/5
Epilepsy, schizophrenia, drug addiction - poor Mulder doesn't seem to have enough hardship in his life without dear ol' Damacia stepping in to up the angst ante.   While Muldertorture is an accepted subgenre of X-Files Fanfiction, it does not give an author carte blanche to demolish a character without regard for his/her history in canon.   It is also vitally important to remember that when you give a character an ailment, it's your responsibility as the author to ensure that you've characterized the ailment accurately.  Not only is schizophrenia done a tremendous disservice in this piece, but the characters are also completely unrecognizable.  Critiquing this was the most arduous chore yet in my witchy career.

Feh.  I'm off to take a long shower.