Click on the circles to read selected sections of "Tantric"!

The  (Like it Would Happen!) "Scully Stoned and 

Horny in Public" Scene 

"No!  Scully, really look!"  He takes my face in his hands, forcing my wandering 

gaze back to his intense glare.  "Look at my eyes!  They're dilated... and so 

are yours.  It's the incense or whatever it is.  Shit, we're stoned." 

(Party on, Wayne.)

Stoned?  Okay.  "So what?  I still want you." (Who is this woman?  Is 

this supposed to be Scully?)  Looking over Mulder's shoulder, 

I see other couples who have forgotten themselves and are kissing 

and touching each other intimately.  It's very arousing to watch.  

And as I play voyeur, my lips find Mulder's neck and I begin to 

kiss and nibble, tasting his salty skin.

"Don't do this to me," he begs (so do we)... almost whines, (and he's so sexy 

when he whines!) pushing me away gently.  "It's taking everything 

I have to control myself.  You 

need to meet me half way, partner.  I'm not 

going to take advantage of this situation as much as I'd like to.  

You'd never forgive me, Scully... I'd never forgive me."  (When you see 

what she can do to your dick later, you will!) 

"Mulder... I feel... mmm..." (Insane?  Out of character?)   Can't 

seem to decide on the best 

word to describe where my head is right now 

(neither can we)... It's a very pleasant feeling though.  I'm relaxed 

and almost drifting between wake and sleep.  And I am acutely aware 

of my desire... very 

acutely aware.  I want to be fucked.  

(People in hell want ice water.  The characters of 1013 don't get fucked 

very often.  Except by some fanfic authors.) 

 
"I know.  We've got to get out of here and get some fresh air." As Mulder struggles to 

stand, and to help me up with him in the process, a couple of the 

Swami's assistants hurry over to see if 

they can be of service.  "Dana, Fox, is 

something wrong?" the woman asks us (“Yes!  We just became aware we had to star in 

the bad fic for another five million chapters!”), as she and her male companion help us to our feet.  

 
Mulder does the talking for us, which is good as I'm not entirely sure I 

could handle standing AND talking at this point.  "My wife isn't feeling 

well... actually, I think we both need some air."

"Ahh," the young woman smiles knowingly. "The Tagara is sometimes 

overwhelming to newcomers.  Do not worry. (It won’t hurt you if you don’t inhale!)  

Its effects are mainly aphrodisiac and only mildly intoxicating.  Come, Rajan and I 

will assist you outside to clear your heads."  (Rajan?  Tagara?  Where’s Boy and Chaka?) 

"Thank you," Mulder smiles at the woman as she and her rather yummy looking companion, 

Rajan, help us out the door. (Maybe Mulder will channel Kali later..)

Game Board

Mulder's Dream Blow-Job ballet

Oh, Jesus... Scully.  She's sprawled over me like a coating of 
honey, her little tank top twisted up around her waist; I can 
feel skin everywhere, Scullyskin (is that like naugahyde?) all over me.  

Sometime in the night I became her mattress and she laid claim to me; and as I 
lay there underneath her still-slumbering body, I remember the 
dream-kisses, deep in the night; her dream-lips touching me, all 
over; so amazing... so hot.  And I don't even stop to wonder why 
dream-Scully did those incredible things to me, all night long - 
I just know she did, and it wasn't enough, not nearly enough I 
need more so much more... 

Wait... was it my dream-Scully... or was it real?  I don't think 
it was a dream.  I am drained to the bone... sated, and drained. 
(Check for a wet spot.)  Exhausted and enervated at the same time -

My God.  I know it wasn't a dream.  It happened, deep in the 
night it happened... while we were both asleep, Scully touched 
me, kissed me... and I responded to her the way I would love to 
respond to her, in our waking hours, the way one lover would 
respond to another.  Scully kissed me, all over, and I - I loved 
it.  Loved it... and I want more of it.  More...

(This is just dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.  She either blew you or didn't. Ug.) 

Game Board

The "Dana Scully" Completely Stupid and 

Utterly Gratuituous Shower Masturbation Scene

Scully having domination fantasies about Mulder in a cold, then warm, then cold shower.   Likely?  No. 

Enough cold water.  Reaching out with trembling fingers I adjust 
the temperature of the shower until a warm rain is soothing my 
chilled flesh.  Ahh... yes, that's better.  Warm... nice and 
warm.  Slowly, I turn the heat up until steam begins to envelop 
me in its comforting fog.  You can stop fighting it now, Dana, I 
tell myself.  Let it happen.  It's okay to think about how 
incredible it was.  How Mulder was kissing me, biting me, 
suckling (people overuse this word.  Every time I hear this I think of a baby pig.) my breast.  
I woke up so wet and ready for him, if only...

...If only I hadn't stopped him. (You blew him in your sleep, what's the big deal?)  
I shut my eyes and let my  imagination take over.  He would have touched me like this.  Yes, 
oh... God!  I can't believe how wet I am, so sensitive that I 
jump at my own touch.  Just enjoy it, Dana.  Imagine it's Mulder 
touching you.  Imagine he's the one running his fingers back and 
forth along the side of your clitoris, teasing you, letting the 
tension build... slowly at first, very slowly...  Oooh... Please, 
Mulder, faster, I plead with him.  But he won't.  He says, 'No, 
Scully, it has to be slow.'  (Ag.  Oh Ag ag.) Please, Mulder, don't torture me 
like this.  I need it. (I've tried picturing Scully begging like this.  It just doesn't work.)  
(because that's so appealing) I need to come.  I need to come now!  But my fantasy Mulder is 
 horribly cruel to me ... 'Not until I say so. I won't let you come until I say it's time, Scully.'  
Slowly he rubs his fingers over me... such sweet agony.  God, Mulder, I 
can't take this!  'Yes you can, Scully,' he insists, 'and you 
will, because I say you will.'  Jesus, please... Mulder, I'll do 
anything... anything that you want.  Just please, I'm begging 
you...  'I like hearing you beg, Scully.'  Please, please, 
please!!!  I'm desperate.  I NEED this.  'On your knees, Scully.' 
 I gasp at his demand.  'Now!' he orders me.  Oh, God!

(I wonder if she's doing the voices, too?  Mulder must be jerking off in the room next door, 

listening and wondering if she's insane.) 

Doing as my fantasy Mulder instructs, I kneel (oh my God) in the warm spray 
of the shower, my fingers continuing to work in earnest the 
aching, burning place between my thighs.  'Good, Scully, that's 
good.  I like you on your knees. (WHAT?  What show are these authors watching?)   
Now I want to watch you.  I want to watch you pleasure yourself for me.'  But Mulder... I 
want YOU to touch me.  I want you to make love to me.  'No!  
Never!  You'll never have me, Scully. (We wouldn't want her to if you were this way.)  
You know that's the way it has to be.  Now do as I say, or I'll go.'  No!  Please!  Stay.  
Stay here with me.  I'll do it.  I'll do whatever you ask.  'Then 
touch your breasts for me, Scully.  Use both hands.  Knead the 
soft flesh. (I'm just laughing now.)  More, Scully.  Squeeze them as you would like me 
to.'  

Ohhh... I fondle myself as the hot water cascades over me.  The 
needle spray of the shower contacts my stimulated and over 
sensitive nipples, stinging them, making them grow harder.  
'Pinch your nipples, Scully,' fantasyMulder stands over me and 
commands.  I obey immediately, but it's not enough for him. 
'Harder!' his rough voice so threatening in the darkness of my 
imagination.  I can't refuse him, and as I follow his order, I 
can't help but cry out from the pleasure-pain of it.  God, I hope 
Mulder can't hear me... the real Mulder, the one lying in bed in 
the very next room with a serious hard on.  Not the Mulder that's 
talking inside my head, that's driving my fantasy, and saying 
'Yes, Scully, that's good.  I like what I'm seeing.  Now, I want 
you to do it.  I want you to make yourself come for me.  I want 
you to do whatever it takes, but I don't want you to stop until 
you come.  (Well, if you let me take my hands off my breasts, Mulder, I may 
have a better chance of it!)  Do you understand?'  Yes, I tell him.  I'll do whatever you want.  

(Oh my God.  Make it stop.  But it doesn't.  It goes on for 19 chapters.)

Game Board

\

The "Nice Tattoo Scene" in which the meaning of why 

Scully got the tattoo is Revealed by a perfect enlightened stranger.

"That's a lovely tattoo," the Swami finally reveals his thoughts 
to us.  "The Khechari Mudra.  A serpent swallowing his own tail. 
 The symbol of autosexual intercourse with the self."

Huh? (Yes.  Of course.  That's why she got it!) 

Mulder instantly forgets his jealousy and moves around to admire 
the ink on my back.  God, how humiliating.  I'd completely 
forgotten about my little friend back there. (Authors that bring that tattoo forward should be shot.) 
Now that I think about it, I don't believe Mulder's ever really seen it before.

"Autosexual intercourse?" Mulder asks.  (Of course he does.)

"Yes.  Khechari Mudra is an advanced Hatha Yoga and Tantric 
technique in which the tongue is seemingly swallowed.  In actual 
fact, the tip of the tongue is thrust deep into the nasal-pharynx 
region behind and above the soft palate.  From the viewpoint of 
occult anatomy, the tongue is the penis of the mouth, the 
nasal-pharynx is the vagina and the uvula is the clitoris." 

(This is just too much information.)

Help me.  So this is what it feels like to die of embarrassment. 
(No. This is what it feels like to die from bad writing.)  God, why did I ever get that stupid, stupid tattoo?

(All the readers of fanfic have been asking ourselves that for a long time now.) 

"Khechari Mudra traps positive and negative psychic forces in the 
head, through the symbolic penetration of the phallic tongue into 
the vaginal naso-pharynx." 

(There you go, Scully.  You didn't get a tattoo. You just manifested your nasal/vaginal issues.)

"Really?"  Mulder is completely fascinated. (Of course he is.)

"Yes.  I would be more than happy to provide you with some 
reading material to offer you more insight into this practice and 
it's spiritual and sexual ramifications." (I'll bet you would)

"I'd like that very much.  Thank you."  (Of course he would.)

Game Board

The "Mulder and Scully Finger-Fuck" Extravaganza

I am so goddamn hot I could fry an egg on my balls... (well, THERE’S an image!)

and I am so painfully tight and engorged that I feel I could come a geyser if

a feather happened to drop from the sky and land on the tip of my

wang. (Wang?  WANG?  This is proof these authors must be women.  What 

self-respecting man would ever refer, even mentally, to his penis as a WANG?)

How the hell am I gonna be able to sit through any more of

this? (Funny.  I was just thinking the same thing..)  My arms are wound tightly 

around Scully, who is still pressed to me, back to front - and as the couple before us begin

to rock faster, and moan louder, I can feel Scully squirming

against me, feeding my agony; can hear her gasping breaths,

diaphragm hitching underneath my clammy hands.  And I am slowly,

slowly rubbing myself on her, prolonging the agony of what's

going on in my swim trunks. If I'd known it was going to be this

bad, I would never have volunteered us for this assignment. (If we

 had known it was this bad, someone would have stopped these authors.)  If

I'd known how impossible it would be, to not react to my gorgeous

partner, whom I love more and more with each passing moment of my

life... I would have nabbed Scully's hand and run like hell, in

the other direction.  (But instead, I’ll just stay here with my hard-on in

her back.)

So, what does Mr. Cool FBI agent do?  He grabs his partner's

hand, and forces it behind her and right on top of his raging

Peter-Boy... (No.  No, no no.  The authors even know it’s a bad idea and speak 

against it in the above paragraph.  And Peter-Boy? That's worse than "wang"!) and the gasping 

moan she sends into the pillow in front of her makes me grind her fingers into my aching member, 

(“Mulder you freak, take my hand off your dick!”) even as I shove my hand into the damp waistband of 

her bikini bottoms, and bury three fingers deep within. (This isn’t even hot.  It’s just bad.)  Her body jumps, 

and shudders (as women tend to do when they have a bunch of fingers in their hooey) ; 

the pillow she now holds in front of her, the only

shield against prying eyes and what they may see us do.  I move

my fingers in and out, and she is so wet that she soaks us both;

so responsive to every tiny move I make that pleasing her this

way is effortless - and her small hand covers me and all five

fingers dig in, deep. (then rip my penis clean off at the base)  It feels so good. 

So good... both of us watching three couples in full Tantric-throes, each couple

striving for the same fulfillment as we are... except they are

more experienced at holding off than we are. 

And then I feel it - the beginning shudders of what will amount

to a full-blown earthquake, in the territory known as 'Scully's

Center.'  If I don't stop, she'll come, right in front of all

these people... if I stop, I'll surely die from the loss of one

of the most incredible moments of my life. (Fingering my partner in front of 30-odd people)  

And suddenly it doesn't matter if I don't get off; doesn't matter if I get

nothing more from this than a hard hand job.  I want this, for

the woman I love; want to give it to her though I know she will

most likely kill me for doing it to her. (We can only pray.)   But I can't stop, not

now - not to her.  I grit my teeth, and pull away from her hand;

she sucks in a surprised breath but before she can seek me again,

I bury my teeth into her neck to hold her still and twist my

fingers into her, curling them in the opposite direction, and my

thumb presses down hard on her clit - and she clenches around my

hand like a vise. 

She's coming, fast and furiously... not making a peep.  Scully,

coming on me, while a part of me is inside her... (with all this “Tantric” buildup, 

how pathetic it’s not your dick.) doesn't matter that it's not my cock.  

Scully's coming and I have never felt anything so powerful (except my own ego).  

It goes on forever, while on the mat in front of us the first couple 

begins to shake, rattle and roll. But I hardly notice because Scully has finally 

stopped convulsingaround my fingers and is  quiescent underneath my hand; 

she givesone final shudder, before she whips her body around to face me

and stares into my eyes, hers narrowed and fierce. And as she

spits six words into my personal space, I know I have blown it,

yet again.

"Damn you, Mulder... I HATE YOU..."  

(We hate you too, Mulder.  Oh, wait a minute.  We just hate this story.)

Game Board

The Oddest First Time Ever for Moose and Squirrel

(This next section is so out of character and weird, I let it stand.   Nor is
it particularly sexy.  It’s just violent and has nothing to do with Tantric sex.  
Repeat after the Swiss Witch:  Mulder would never physically hurt Scully.  

That's right. Mulder would never physically hurt Scully.  And this next section is akin to rape.

One question to the authors:  what show are you watching to think the
characters would react this way?  Not “The X-Files”.  Maybe “American 
Gladiators” or Bondage Porn,  but not “The X-Files”. )

"Stop!  We can work this out, Scully.  Don't run away."  He 
places his hands on my shoulders and I go ballistic, dropping my 
bags and pushing him away... pushing him with so much force, that 
my six foot tall partner hits the wall hard enough to knock a 
picture to the floor. 

(Brief interjection.  Why do fanfic authors want these two to physically hurt each other?

Haven't they been through enough already without that?) 

"Keep your goddamn hands off me!" I scream at him, shaking with 
rage, compounded ten fold with desire. "I hate you!  I hate you! 
 I hate you!"  With each restatement of my disdain, a little more 
control slips away.  Head spinning with a tumult of emotions, I 
have lost all ability to think rationally.  Stubborn as ever, 
Mulder refuses to give up.  As he moves towards me yet again; and 
I experience a moment of blinding madness, brought on by the 
sheer terror of feelings I am helpless to repress.  I strike out 
at the man responsible for my weakness... but he effortlessly 
captures my wrist in a vise grip before I can deliver a punishing 
blow to his face.  He pulls my arm hard to the side and glares at 
me with hurt and fury mixed in his stormy eyes.

My knees grow weak under his hard stare.  A fluttering thrill 
takes hold at my center.  My heart feels as though it will 
explode from my chest.  And there is an exhilarating charge of 
electric energy awakening every nerve in my body.  The hint of a 
smile plays briefly on Mulder's full lips.  He jerks me suddenly, 
spinning us around and shoving my back against the wall with 
jarring intensity... pinning me there with his taut muscular 
body... face inches from mine...hot breath caressing my cheek.  
"You like it rough, Scully?  Is that what turns you on?"  His 
whispered words are deliberately intimidating.  And he rolls his 
hips, grinding his pelvis against me, the steel of his cock 
pressing into my side with bruising insistence.  I draw a deep 
gasp of breath, and Mulder says "Yeah, baby, that's it, isn't 
it?"  His dark eyes are now piercing mine, but I'm hypnotized, 
lost, unable to look away.  He waits... a heartbeat... two... 
three.  Then through clenched teeth he demands an answer.  "Isn't 
it!" he barks and I jump.

God, he's got me so turned on.  If I weren't trapped against this 
wall there'd be nothing keeping me from melting to the floor in a 
puddle of lust at his feet.  How is it that I am seduced by such 
as this?  That my greatest arousal comes not from tenderness and 
romance but from something far more insidious... fear, the thrill 
of losing control... intimidation, risk, possibility.  The darker 
side of passion, the fantasies of a G-woman, a woman who must 
command respect in her daily life, yet only wants to be commanded 
in her intimate, secret, sexual indiscretions.

"Goddamn it!  Answer me when I ask you a question, Scully!"  He 
pulls me roughly across the room and shoves me down onto the bed. 
 I'm breathing hard, panting with anticipation... fascinated to 
discover a side of Mulder I have only fantasized about.  How far 
will he take this?  Could I stop him now if I wanted to?  What 
have I unleashed in him?  And is it harmless or something to 
truly be feared?

"No, Mulder, I don't want this," I lie to him, testing my 
power... wondering at how much control still remains mine.  It 
surprises me the breathlessness with which I say the words.  Am I 
so beguiled by his dominance that I am losing my voice... losing 
myself bit by bit until there's nothing left of my will... just a 
body for Mulder to ravage and take pleasure from?  Drawing a hand 
up to my face, I marvel at the fever in my cheeks... the fire 
within burning to get out. 

He grabs my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes as he speaks. 
 "Don't you fucking lie to me, Scully!  Don't you dare lie to me! 
 I could see it in your eyes, the minute you were manhandled a 
flame ignited within you... your passion was so explosive it 
nearly knocked me off my feet."  And then he moves over me, 
crawling on the bed... a feral beast straddling my boneless, 
defenseless form.  "I can give you this, Dana, I can give you 
what you need."  He's petting my face now with the back of his 
hand... so gentle, yet his eyes are dark and untamed.

No.  My mouth forms the word but there is not enough will left in 
my body to utter the sound.  I shake my head.  Fighting... 
fighting against the overwhelming need to give myself to Mulder. 

Even as I know the choice has already been made. 

"You say no now.  But by the time I'm through with you, Scully, 
you'll be begging to be fucked." (OH MY GOD. This is just wrong.) 

(Does anyone else sense some control issues at play here?

Let's recap!  Some of the worst highlights:   

Suddenly passive Scully's dangerous exploding passion

Mulder's weird dominant bed talk.  I kept expecting him to pee in a corner of the room to mark his territory.  

Scully saying "no", but meaning "yes.  If Scully says "no", it means NO.

And for that matter, if any woman says NO, it means NO. 

This was just SO distasteful....ugh.)

Game Board

The Violent Oral Sex Part and Mulder's Weird Dirty Talk

"Ahhh!  God!  Mulder!  Stop, please... please stop!" (No means no, Mulder.)

He lifts his eyes and looks at me, but never once lets up on his

assault.  He starts to moan, to hum...  the vibration causing my

whole body to tremble. Nononono... It's too much... I reach out

frantically, grabbing his hair in my fists, trying to push him

away before I go out of my mind.  (Go out of your mind?  You are out

of your mind.  Everyone is in this story.)

He finally lifts his head... slowly... and the look he's giving

me... Oh, God.

"You have a desire to be tied to the bed, Scully? (What?  Did I miss something?)

 Is that what  you're telling me?  Is that why you're purposely disobeying me? 

(Ick.  Just ick.) Because I'd love to do it. I'd love to tie you spread eagle

across this bed, one limb to each of the four corners... nice and

tight so you can't move.  And then, baby, all bets are off."

I have to bite my lip to stop the cry of passion that threatens

to escape at his words (Here, Scully, I’ll cry for you.  “GET ME OUT OF THIS STORY!!!!!!!”  

There.  Better?) .  For just a moment, I shut my eyes and

imagine myself Mulder's hostage, tied down as he described.  (Ick again.) If I

didn't think it would kill me, I might even consider letting him

do it.

"Oh, you're thinking about it, aren't you, Scully?" Mulder's

voice invades my self imposed darkness. "Jesus, G-woman, what am

I going to do with you?"  (What will Mulder do?  Will he come to his

senses?  Will he shove his lingam where the sun don’t shine?  Don’t worry,

there’s so MUCH MORE of this fic to come!  And if you miss it the first time, 

Game Board

The "No Officer, She really Likes it that Way" Sex Sequence

I tie her to the bed. (Of course you do.)

I have to (no you don't) - she's thrashing around so much I am 

afraid she'll hurt one of us; (well gee, maybe you should stop!)

at least this way she has to lie still or chance

hurting herself.  I have to lock her to the bedpost with my

handcuffs and hers; I'm glad we brought them.  Force of habit -

once an agent always an agent, I guess.   I lock her to the

headboard by her hands, leaving her kicking and cursing on the

bed, and go in search of something to tie her feet.  (This is not romantic.  

Nor is it sounding consensual.  What were the authors thinking?)  I finally

find one of my neckties and the sash to her bathrobe; these'll do

nicely.  She manages to kick my shin, one knee and my elbow,

before I finally get her tied; as I work on her I mutter, "You'd

better hope you don't hit anything vital, Agent..."  Her furious

words alternately piss me off and amuse me; enflame me as well.

(Ok.  They come to a Tantric sex resort and end up just going

all Vanilla with basic bondage.  It would be boring if it wasn’t so

horrifying.  Mulder may be a little naughty, but his first time

with Scully wouldn’t be a basic rape.)

"When you get through with me you may as well kill me, Mulder...

because I swear when I get my hands on you, you are one hell of a

dead man!  LET ME GO YOU BAS - MMMPHHH...!"  She swallows the

rest of it, as I swallow her mouth, her tongue, both tonsils and

her uvula, all in one fell swoop.  And just like that, she melts;

just like that she stops fighting and her mouth opens wide

beneath mine and she eats at my lips as furiously  (EWW!) as I feast on

hers.  She's straining now against her restraints, trying to get

closer... I don't want her to hurt her wrists, so I decide to pin

her down the way she wants... the way we both want.  (Trust me, only the

authors want this.)  I draw back a

little, slip a hand between her thighs to open her up - and I

bury myself full-length into my own small bit of heaven.

(Oh for heaven’s sake. This is just heinous.)

~~~~~~

Ohhhhh... Jesus... ohhhhh!  (You said it, Scully.)  He's inside me.  God... Mulder fills

me completely and then some.  And it's the most incredible

feeling I have ever known.  We are one; as our souls have always

been, now our bodies are too.  Mated, joined, coupled... lovers.

 I grow completely still under his weight, surrendering to the

futility... I didn't want this... and at the same time, I've

never wanted anything more.

(Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here ....

But why is it Mulder always has the biggest, most fulfilling, magic

wonder worm in the history of man?  And why is it when he uses it

on Scully, even as showed above in a bondage driven almost rape fantasy,

is it most the incredible feeling she’s ever known? 

I also find it hard to believe that handcuffed-to-a-bed-Scully, tied spread

eagle, wide open for the world to see, would have such a romantic thought as

“We are one; as our souls have always been...”   The Swiss Witch warns these

authors:  you’ve taken these characters beyond the point of recognition, either

keep them there or stop this all together.  Don’t try to get all romantic now as some

sort of weird codicil to the ‘shippers out there.  They don’t buy it and neither do I.)

None of that matters at this point, as I lie here a helpless

victim of my own passions.  I cannot blame Mulder for this 

(No, you can't.  Blame the authors.   Mulder's probably horrified himself.) 

even as he has taken me despite my objections (this is so wrong)... I led him here.  

(NO.  NO SHE DID NOT LEAD HIM HERE.  ONLY IN THIS FIC.

Stop the bus

Now, I'm sure some of you out there are saying, "Why is the Swiss Witch

in such a snit about this?  Let me illuminate.  

Gentle Readers, despite lack of case file, despite lack of good 

character definition, despite everything missing in this story, 

this fic is supposed to be about Tantric Sex.  Tantric Sex is the act

of conscious loving.  It is also based in worshiping your sexual partner

like a god or goddess.  The God in thee pleasures the God in thou and 

so forth and so on.

Read the above section again.  Mulder nearly rapes Scully, although she says no.

He decides she wants it.  They almost come to blows before hand, so how can 

he really be sure?  No matter.  He chains her up and takes her.  

Then Scully says it's her fault, that she led him to it.  And that is a victim's mentality.  Scully's

had a lot happen to her in the series, but part of the beauty of her character is she never 

succumbs to being a victim.  

And Mulder, for all his faults, does love Scully.  He treats her with physical tenderness, at least

in the series.  This scenario, appealing as it may be for some bondage aficionados, doesn't really 

belong in X-Files fanfic.  And it certainly doesn't belong in a fic supposedly devoted to the idea of 

Tantric sex.   And it CERTAINLY doesn't seem realistic for a first time for Moose and Squirrel.

 General Hospital did society such a disservice by having Luke and Laura fall in love after he 

raped her on the dance floor.  

Most women don't fall in love with the men that take them by force.  It's a statistical fact. 

I have a hard time believing Scully would, either.  Especially if it was Mulder.  She'd never 

forgive him.)

If he hadn't seen in me the need... the aching want to be dominated,

to be controlled... Mulder would never have been so bold.

As he starts to move in me, I rock my hips to match his rhythm. 

We moan into each other's mouths, until Mulder tears himself free

of our kiss and buries his face into the crook of my neck...

seconds later I feel his teeth dig into the soft flesh there.  I

cry out, but he continues... marking me with a bitten trail of

his desire.  He fucks me harder, spurred on by my vocalizations.

 That animal I unleashed in Mulder is attacking with feral

intensity and purpose.  And I am his prey.

(To invoke Yukon:  No.)

                     ~~~~~~

I can't hold on much longer, but I don't ever want this to end -

don't ever want to be anywhere but inside Scully, so deep I can

feel the beat of her heart in my blood.  She's pulsing all around

me, still restrained but somehow able to give me back every

thrust I lavish upon her, and we are both so close.  So close. 

God, she's incredible.  I'm sore,  (From what?  She’s the one tied up

and abused?  Oh that’s right.  This is all about Mulder.) and I probably won't be able to

walk for the next week, but... no way am I gonna stop now. (Ugh.)  My

hands are framing her beautiful face, fingers combed through her

damp hair, and I know if I don't slow this down it'll happen too

soon for us, and I want more, much more from Scully.  So I slow

it down, go from pounding thrusts to easy, gentle strokes; bury

my face in her neck as I move in her.  Slower, and slower... so

deep and so slow.  I twine my fingers deeper into her hair as she

shudders and quakes beneath me - her body struggling to adjust to

the radical change in the pitch and tenor of mine.  She moans in

surprise at the change, and her breath hitches in her throat as

she urges, "No, Mulder...  God... harder.  Don't stop, harder,

please."   (Chained up like that, her head will slam into the headboard. 

How lovely.)

I slow my hips even more, and my tongue traces over her cheeks

and down the salt of her shoulder; I am taking such slow, long

strokes now, driving both of us nearly out of our minds with it.

Scully is trembling now, trembling in frustration and need; as I

kiss her she bites at my lips hard, until I pull away and stare

down at her, seeing her glittering eyes boring into mine as she

hisses, "Mulder, dammit! I can't... Jesus, harder!  Please." and

her voice drifts off into another deep moan, as I give it to her (“give it

to her”?  What is Mulder?  A po-dunk yahoo?)  

slower, and slower... and slower. When I slip one hand between

our sweat-slicked bodies, and gently press on her ultra-sensitive

clit, still stroking her with agonizingly slow thrusts... her

head falls back on the pillow and her breathless voice groans out

one long, needy, "Oh, God... I'm in Heaven..."

~~~~~~

"That's right... that's right, baby, let Mulder take you to

Heaven."

(HA HA HA HA HA...OH MY!!  OH MY!!  Can’t you just PICTURE it,

Gentle Reader?  Mulder saying that?  Like Chef in South Park, he’s going

“to make sweet love to you, woman.”   Why doesn't he just lay 

her down by the fire?  Oh, I’ve spit fine, imported chocolate

all over myself on that one.  Ha ha ....ha..  oh my. )

Game Board

Where Scully shoves something up Mulder's butt at last.

Scully has found a new Truth within herself...(and I only had

to tie her to a bed and rape her for her to see it!)  and I am so

glad for her; glad to see the last vestiges of her solitary,

stiff existence melt away, as she studies the Tantra and absorbs

its teachings like a sponge.  (Especially since it means I’m

getting some now.)

Boy, does she ever absorb it! I may not survive the sponging.  I

have managed thus far to stay abreast of her, so to speak - by

reading right along with her, by attending all the classes and

the private sessions; by using my body and hers as test subjects

for all aspects of the Tantra dynamic.  (What about the case?

Aren’t they supposed to be investigating a case?) And Scully makes one

incredible test subject, taking me to levels I have never before

even thought of reaching, never mind achieving.  Last night...

God. Last night she spent an hour closeted in the bathroom; I

assumed she was taking a bath.  Wrong-o... she'd been reading

again.   The Swami had given her a thin manual, some sort of

pressure techniques using the hands of both partners.  She

breezed into our bedroom smelling deliciously of jasmine and

musk, wearing nothing but a tiny nightslip, and a smile... hair

damp and wavy from the bath steam.  I had been half-heartedly

flipping through a set of illustrated positions, turning them

sideways and upside down, just to amuse myself because I was

bored. (Disappointed none of them involved handcuffs or rough

stuff)  She jumped into the bed, tore the illustrations out of my

hands and pushed me down on the pillows with one hand while the

other twitched off my boxers slicker than a well-oiled owl (not

that I ever saw a well-oiled owl... but I digress).  (What the hell? 

Well-oiled what?  Oh, there’s no place like home, there’s no

place like home....damn.  I’m still reviewing this story.)

Her eyes intense and bluer than I'd ever seen them, she ran five

hot fingers over my hips and around to my ass, (oh no) avoiding my

suddenly-straining cock, slid three of her fingers between my

tight cheeks and, still holding my gaze with hers, crooked her

middle finger and slid it into me, pressing with the tip while

her tiny knuckles actually wiggled sideways. (How many times have you

said to yourself, “You know, Scully should just stick that right up

Mulder’s ass”?  Lesson  here:  be care what you wish for!)

God knows how she learned to be so dexterous, (because we don’t) but...

suffice to say the move brought me up, immediately hard and swollen

to the max; in all my adult life it had never happened that fast. 

With just one crooked finger she kept me there, for what seemed an eternity,

while her tongue slipped and curled its way over my balls and up

and down my straining length; each time I felt myself beginning

to pump, she moved her finger a fraction and the need stemmed; I

was sweating from every pore, gasping for breath and arched like

a bow - and she was only touching me with the tip of her tongue

and a few fingers.  I found myself alternately gasping, cursing

every frigging deity in the Heavens and begging her to never

stop...

That was last night.  (This morning she shoved a hamster up there.  I

Game Board

The "Mulder Drinks a Glass of Fruity Juice with a Holy Man and 

Vaguely Remembers he's an Investigator" Scene.

We find an empty table on the main lanai and sit down with

glasses of papaya juice. (Mulder drinking papaya juice with

a Swami.  Mmmmkay.)  

"I wanted to talk to you, Fox - about how pleased I am by yours

and Dana's excellent progress in learning and adapting the Tantra

to fit your own lives and your intimate relationship."  The Swami

is a tad on the pompous side, but I have already determined his

intentions to be good, and he seems to genuinely care about his

students. ("And it’s not like we’re here to investigate him.  He seems nice,

so I’ll just not question any further."  That Mulder is a hell of a profiler, isn't he?)   

"I will of course speak to Dana as well, but I am curious - do you have a desire to 

take your Tantra a step further?  Do you wish to learn more about your 

sexual awakening in such a way as to bring complete satisfaction  and a spiritual

maturity the likes of which you have never known?" 

(“If it means a threesome, I'm in!”)

My brows lift questioningly at his words, at the bright passion

and purpose glowing behind his eyes, his smile - and of course my

curiosity is piqued.  How can it not be?  I have seen for myself

the fullness, the overwhelming oneness of the Swami's

relationship with his partner, Narr... (Narr?  Redjack?  V-jer?  These

people sound like they belong in classic Star Trek) and I would like nothing

better than to achieve even a tenth of that with Scully.  (Or solve this case.

Remember, Mulder you’re on a case, not here to bone your partner.  I’ll

remind you since your authors won’t.)

Besides, we need a legitimate reason to continue investigating -

and I have a feeling it's been offered to us.  (Legitimate?  No.  Plot device?

Yes. ) So I smile at the Swami, and put on my enthusiasm face

(actually, about the same look as my panic face) (but slightly less frightening than my

"take my partner in public" face) .  "Tell me more, Swami..."

Game Board

A Letter that Proves Teena Mulder's Secret Identity was Heidi Fleiss

Mr. Mulder:  

I understand from your Assistant Director, a Mr. Skinner, that 
you are out of the office for an undisclosed period of time.  If 
you get this message, you need not do anything unless you wish to 
challenge.  Though quite frankly, you would have nothing to 
challenge about.

Your mother's Last Will and Testament was read yesterday; sorry 
we could not wait for you to get back, but due to legalities we 
were under a time limit where the reading was concerned.  I will 
not go into excruciating detail right now; just relay to you the 
facts.

Your mother has basically left everything to you, as you may have 
expected.  By everything I assume you will understand the scope 
of her material wealth - however I will briefly outline for you. 
 There are three homes, the larger being the house in Chilmark, 
Massachusetts, which was I believe your childhood home; also the 
house where your father, William Mulder, resided until his death, 
on Martha's Vineyard.  There is also a smaller home in 
Williamsburg, Virginia. Your mother purchased it ten years ago as 
an investment, and since it is owned free and clear, and is also 
one of the oldest homes in Colonial Williamsburg, it is of course 
quite valuable.  Appraisal comes in at just over $650,000.  Total 
appraisal on the other two homes comes in at $325,000, and 
$410,000, respectively.

There is also a three-hundred acre spread of land just outside of 
Williamsburg, bordering the county line on one side and the 
National Historical Park on the other.  Again, very valuable, and 
owned free and clear.  Appraisal comes in at just under 
$1,435,000.

There are also various stocks, bonds and notes, and several 
savings accounts; again I won't go into the detail now.  I can 
send you that information at a later date.  Total on these amount 
to little over $1.8 million dollars, give or take normal stock 
market flux.  You mother had no outstanding bills, no IOUs, and 
no committed charities.  She gave $2,000 a year to Rosh Haddish 
Synagogue on Martha's Vineyard, and always in the form of a legal 
endowment check.

There is also a lump appraised amount of roughly $492,000, for 
furnishings; three vehicles including a vintage Jaguar appraised 
at $150,000 and various jewelry pieces which are all safely 
locked in your mother's vault at the Williamsburg house.  Jewelry 
appraises at roughly $79,000, since there are several excellent 
antique pieces belonging to your paternal grandmother, and a 
collection of diamond pieces passed down from your maternal 
great-grandmother.  

Therefore, your total appraised gross worth comes in at around 
$5,341,000; we would expect to see you able to clear and net at 
least $3.8 million, after taxes and assorted penalties.

If you have any questions concerning your inheritance - and I am 
sure you will - please contact me via this email.  I will expect 
to hear from you upon completion of your current assignment.  We 
can set up a meeting with a good investment broker and financial 
advisor, and also get immediate funds signed over to your 
accounts.

My sympathies on your recent loss, and please allow me to assist 
you wherever needed-

Sincerely,
J. Joseph Fein, Attorney
Petersen Fitch Law Offices

Holy SHIT... with home fries...  (Yeah.  NO shit.  What was Teena 

doing with that Jag and why didn't Mulder know about it?  Oh, that's 

right.  She only used it when she was acting as a Congressional Escort,

whoopin' and hollerin' out on that land outside Williamsburg.

My point:  It's conceivable that Mulder would come into a substantial amount

of money after his mother's death.  But 40 acres and a mule too?  Not that much.)

Game Board

Where Scully is Too Trusting and Proves to Us Once and For

All that the Internet is the Source of All Things Good and True.

Scully cuts off my words with a hand slapped over my mouth, her 
expression amused and a bit exasperated, and interrupts me 
gently.

"Mulder, I'm way ahead of you - I did some checking, and he's 
legitimate.  Master Baet-mi Vishnu Indra Yidah... impressive 
academic background and a history of counseling equally as 
impressive... I printed it out; you can see for yourself... why 
are you laughing?  Stop that...!"  For I begin convulsing with 
chortles as soon as she says the guy's name.

"Master Baet-mi, Scully?  Ooo, any time you're ready, Darlin'..." 
 Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline and she's biting her lip 
to keep the chuckle contained, as I continue.  "You have got to 
be kidding!  With a name like that, I wouldn't be able to look 
him in the eye, much less accept Tantra guidance from him!  Are 
you sure he's not just plain old 'Joe Schmoe', from Hoboken?"  
That earns me another Scullyglance, almost a glare; she gets to 
her feet, heads for the bathroom, tossing a parting retort over 
her shoulder at me, still lounging in the chair.

"I'm taking a nap, Mulder... wake me when you're ready for 
dinner.  And if you're so worried about the Master Yidah, why 
don't you look him up on the internet?" 

(Bite-me the Swami?  Scully does her research on the Internet? 

Why not call in and get information from the Bureau?  She is an FBI 

agent, after all.  Oh that's right, in this piece of crap, she's just an oversexed, 

drugged up, horny hootchie-mama.  And of course, she believes that everything

on the Internet is right and true. 

Lord.  This is just BAAAAAAAAD.) 

Game Board

Another Stupid, Badly Written, Gratuituous Sex Scene

I can tell she hasn't been taken (been taken?  Anyone who “takes”

people all the time is probably bad in bed.  And in Tantric sex, once

again the NAME OF THIS FUCKING FIC, there is no taking, but

mutual giving.  Apparently, the authors didn’t even read their

Christmas books either.)  in this position very much, if

at all; her movements are unschooled and erratic, which only

feeds my excitement all the more - because I know I am one of the

first to take her like this.  And as we push at each other, back

and forth, as I butt my face into her neck and gasp every shudder

into her skin, she starts to moan - and I have to shut her up in

a hurry.   I don't want the Guru to know what's going on just a

few yards from his little orgy - I don't want to share.  So I

press my face tight against her ear, and growl into her as I push

myself even deeper, as deep as I can go.

"Better be quiet, Scully.  You don't want them to hear us, do

you?  Never know how they may react... Jesus, right there, don't

move... I can imagine what they might do, Mmmm... can you?  They

might force us to join them... Ohh, shit, hold still... Tangled

up with all those hot, oiled bodies, hands, tongues, all over

you..."  She's whimpering, raw and low in her throat, as I

continue to paint the images and brand both of us with them.  I

speed up the force of my thrusts as I continue.  (Mulder’s potty mouth

just cracks me up.  It’s so bad and cliché and over done and [enter your

epithet here]) . 

"No, Scully, keep your mouth shut... or else Guru Yodel will find

something to stuff it with - (Guru Yodel?  Stuff it with?  Who in their

right mind would want to sleep with this Mulder?  And this “baby” and

not sharing crap is weird and icky.)  I don’t wanna share you, baby,

I don't... Don't turn away!" - for she's trying to duck her head,

(Um, maybe she wants to leave?  Run far away from your scary ass?

I would.) moaning almost constantly under her breath, (“Get me out

of this story, get me out of this story!”)  as I force her to

watch, force her to touch and rub at herself while I plunder her,

(The word “force” should only be applied to Star Wars stories, never

to Mulder and Scully and sex.) an unseen force behind her

while the display before her dances in our eyes like

some wet-dream ballet.  I don't let up on her; I

can feel how close she is, how close we both are, and I want her

to come her brains out, as I know I'm going to do - soon, so

soon.

"Keep watching, baby, look at him, with those women - he doesn't

mess around when he fucks a woman.  What if he forces me to share

you - what if he makes me take you while he's got that pretty

mouth of yours all busied up... could you imagine it, baby?  Both

of us, inside you, filling you..."  And with those words, I let

go of her hand, still pressed into her clit, and grasp her hips

with hard fingers as I pull her sharply up, into my exploding

cock; she hitches a sobbing breath into the air, gearing up to be

the granddaddy of all come-screams... I manage to muffle her with

a hand against her mouth... Jesus, so good... such a turn-on, to

know I have to forcefully gag her -

(And the Swiss Witch gears up to let the granddaddy of all badfic screams:

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!  

Sorry.   Tundra forcibly gagged me.  Wait a minute, I think she’s turned on.)

And I have a feeling the Guru knows just what's going on outside

his door; have a feeling he set us up... then I can't spare one

extra blood cell to think of anything else besides the fact that

I am coming that geyser I often dream about.   (Come a geyser.  How old.

How done.  How expected.  How messy.  Here’s one of Damacia Johnson’s

Bounty Towels to clean poor, battered Scully up with.

And then there’s the larger issue at play:  why is Mulder dreaming of

Game Board

In Which Scully Sacrifices her Entire Life to Learn to Give Better Head

(You thought it was bad before now.  This section is undoubtedly

the worst.)

"NO!"  I sit up quickly again, but this time the dizziness is

manageable.  "Mulder, I'm not going back.  I've made a pledge to

continue my training with Master Yidah for the full course of

study.  As proof of my commitment, I've already signed over all

my material possessions to the church." (Ohmygod)

"You did WHAT?!" (For the first time in the whole fic, I agree

with Dominatrix Mulder.)

Taking his hand in mine, I try to let him see just how important

this is to me.  (Take my hand too, Scully.  I don’t see this at all.)

It was a big step, I know; but how could spending

the next twelve years of our lives growing closer, learning the

ways of Tantra, and discovering ourselves, be the wrong thing to

do? (Well, because you're federal agents with lives, investigating a

case?  Remember that?)    My choice is already made.  Now I just have to persuade

Mulder to walk with me down this new path.  "I want you to do the

same.  Master Yidah is a wonderful teacher.  And I want this for

us.  I want it so much."

"Jesus, Scully, have you lost your mind?  (Apparently)  What has he done to

you?" (He didn’t do it Mulder.  The authors did.  Never fear.  This story

has to end sometime and you’ll both be free.

Oh wait.  This is “Tantric”.  With all the times it was posted, you may never

be free.)

"I made this decision of my own free will." (Now, Scully, don’t be so

modest!  You couldn’t have EVER decided to do this.  You had some

help from some authors!)

"That 'free will' didn't happen to be helped along by a little

Tagara, did it?  Or maybe some of that green shit tea you've

taken an unhealthy liking to?  Was it before or after the Groping

Guru drugged you to the gills?" (The stab at alliteration is noted and

judged.  The Swiss Judge gives the authors a 2.)

"Mulder, I don't know what you think happened, but I can assure

you..." (That I am completely out of my mind.  Save me.  Bring back

Donnie Pfaster so I can at least take some action again.)

"Wait a second," he cuts me off.  "Wait just a second.  You

signed legal documents?"

I nod.  (See?  I told you this is the worst part of the story!)

"But, Scully, we're undercover. (Good of you to remember.)  Tell

me you didn't sign your real name."  (Of course she did, Mulder. 

Because she is Bizzaro No-Professionalism-Over-Sexed Scully.  Real

Scully is living elsewhere on this newsgroup.  If you like, we’ll go try

to find her together and leave this abomination far behind!)

"Of course I did.  The case has been solved, Mulder.  There's no

wrong doing here.  I came clean with Master Yidah about our true

identities.  And he was very understanding about the..."

"SHIT!"  Mulder jumps up and begins a tirade of pacing and

cursing.  "Shitshitshit!  GODDAMN IT, SCULLY!  YOU BLEW OUR

COVER... WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!  FUCKING

UNBELIEVABLE!"  (Once again, Mulder and I are in full agreement.

There’s just no way this would ever, vaguely happen.  Bad authors to

sully Scully so.)  As if the sky itself has absorbed Mulder's rage,

a loud boom issues from the clouds above causing us both to

(Apparently God is displeased with this story as well.)

Game Board

Where Bizzarro Scully learns a Bizzarro Trick 

and Shoves Yet More up Mulder's Ass

"I promise you, if you stay here with me... if you make the

commitment as I have, you won't regret for one minute your

decision.  I'll make it worth it, Mulder.  I swear to  you." (Because

I can do THIS!)  And then I slowly sink to my knees, opening his robe as

I go down, coming to worship him as the Kama Sutra instructs.  My hands

slide together around the Lingam of my Lord Shiva and I take him

into my mouth, a Goddess offering pleasure to her God, performing

the rite of Auparishtaka... determined to give Mulder a blow job

so fucking incredible, he won't even remember how to say no.

(I just didn’t want to interrupt the truly AWFUL beauty of that paragraph.

The power of Blow Job.  Right up there with Nuclear Power and

the Wrath of God.  The Swiss Witch is doubled with laughter.)

~~~~~~  

My hands are twisted in her hair and hanging on for dear life. 

Every muscle in my body is tight, as if someone has strung me on

a rack and just keeps cranking the wheel... I throw my head back

and fight for every gasping breath...(Hm.  Maybe you’ll die

and this fic would be over.  That would be a dream.)

Jesus, it's my dream all over again - the dream that turned out

to be reality; only this time I'm awake and Scully is kneeling in

front of me, her small hands holding my ass tightly and her

mouth... God, what her mouth is doing to me has to be against the

law in at least twenty states. (Or at least against nature.) 

I'm in so deep, deeper than she has ever taken me -

deeper than anyone has ever taken me.  I

don't understand how she can take me so...

Oh, Christ!

Is she... yeah, she is, God help me...  she's swallowing my

burning length (Burning length.  Someone help me.)

 inch by slow inch; I don't fucking believe this. 

I can feel her throat working as I slide in; can hear her

breathing carefully through her nose, easing me down past her

teeth, past her tonsils.  I am all the way in; all ten inches and

she's still swallowing me down; there's nothing left of me to

take in except for my -(Dear Penthouse:  I never thought

anything like this would happen to me....)

Oh. My. Freakin'. Christ.  (You can say that again, Dominatrix

Mulder.  Personally, I would add, "stop" or "get me out of here".)

My balls... they're in her mouth.  I can't comprehend this; it's

not possible.  I stare down at her bright head in utter shock,

unable to breathe; can't move; frozen in time and place as she

gently rolls my balls around in her cheeks. (Bite down, Scully,

bite down and end this madness!)   There is no blood

left in my head; all of it has flown south for the duration of

the most astounding blow job I have ever received in this life

and any past lives.  (Because Mulder remembers all his past lives?

I thought he just had the one with the Civil War woman.  Apparently she

didn’t blow him like this. ) And I remember the orgy we witnessed just a

few days ago; how one of Yidah's women did this to him, as we

watched; how we both got so hot watching it happen, how I

couldn't help wondering how something like that would feel.  And

now I know...

Now I know.  Jesus, I know.  Her throat ripples up and down the

length of my cock, and her tongue strokes along the sensitive

underside as she works me.  My balls are on absolute fire; I

can't possibly  hold on for much longer; nothing I have ever felt

could have prepared me for the searing good of this; nothing

could ever feel better than this...

(Oh, I’ll bet there could be something........)

...Until I feel her slip an index finger inside me, crook it just

a little, and begin to rub at me. 

(All these years we prayed Scully would shove something right up Mulder’s

tight butt.  But not like this.  Never like this.

Someone call a doctor.  This fic....it burns.....it hurts...)

Game Board

Witches Comments:

Swiss Witch here.  I reviewed this piece of 

crap  and left these little samplings for you.  This fic is so, so wrong.  I can't even comment on it.

The plot is hackneyed, Scully is unrecognizable and there is no case file at all.  It strikes me that with all the writing

these two authors had to do on this, not to mention all the research, they certainly could have done a better job with a story.  

If you want to read some wild sex stuff, sure, go for it.  But it's all so clinical, it's not all that interesting.  Why don't you 

just go and buy a copy of the Kama Sutra for yourself?

It's 5 hourglasses across the board.  ICK. 

Game Board