Today, the
Wicked Witch of the Sahara has a special treat for the audience: a story that is
spectacularly bad in nearly every category. If you want to know what NOT to do,
look no farther than the appropriately named "The End."
Since the
writing style is so atrocious, I have significantly edited each paragraph.
Read the original version, then the revised one, and
note the differences. It still doesn't make this fanfic GOOD (that would require
a complete rewriting), but the improvement is noticeable. Please, authors, if
you don't get beta from a Witch, get it somewhere else.
The
End
Feedback:
Would love it!
Keywords:
Angst, MSR
Rating: PG
Spoilers: The
End
Disclaimer:
The only people that (who) they belong to are
each other!
Author's notes: I want to dedicate this to one of my best friends (comma) Nilla, and I want to thank her too, for inspiring me and making this for you to see! Thank you (comma) Nilla! (Here's hoping that Nilla never again inspires anyone, if crap like this is the result.)
____________________________________________________________
The End
PART ONE
Hospital:
They stood there. (Who? When?
Why?) His hand holding hers. (Warning: There
is much mention of eyes, hearts, crying, and pain in this piece. Count each
instance along with me, Gentle Readers.) His eyes (eyes
#1) softly staring at her. Talking warmly, after not seeing each other
for a long time. Footsteps acquired (acquired? Try
"approached"), but not for them to hear. Scully was heading
towards the door where they stood. (It's pretty hard
to stand *in* a door. Try "doorway.") She was about to open the
door, when she saw them. (Okay, so they aren't
standing in the doorway, either, because the door is closed. What is going on
here? I am not getting a clear picture. How can Scully see through a closed
door? X-ray vision?) What she saw made her heart (heart
#1) break into a thousand pieces. (That would
hurt.) She quickly turned away and made a few steps forward. The only
comfort that she could think off was that she wasn't seen. She stopped. She felt
like her whole life turned upside down. Her heart (heart
#2) ached and she couldn't handle the pain (pain
#1). Now, she finally realized that her feelings.... love towards this
man. (What man? Skinner? Krycek? Frohike? Bill
Gates?) She had to admit to herself, that she loved him...that she was in
love with him... But now all this (these)
conclusions were seamless. (WHAT? Seamless? I don't
know which word the author meant to use, but how about useless, or futile?)
She knew who Diana was. (And finally we readers know
who the woman in the door/doorway/whatever is.) She was his previous
love.
(One problem right off the bat
is that the author did not note that this story is an alternate conclusion to
"The End." If she had, then readers would have a much easier time
following. Of course, you have to have seen "The End" to really know
what's going on.
And now, the edited version
[spelling/grammar only] of paragraph #1: They stood, holding hands, gazing at
each other, talking warmly following their long separation. Scully approached,
but they didn't hear her. She was about to open the door when she saw them
through the window. The sight made her feel like her heart had been broken into
a thousand pieces. She quickly turned and walked a few steps away. Her only
consolation was that she hadn't been seen. She felt like her life had turned
upside down. Her heart ached, and she couldn't handle the pain. She finally
admitted to herself that she loved Mulder. But that realization came too late.
She knew Diana was his former lover.)
And when she had seen their hands hold...she felt she lost
him...her life...her meaning...forever... (Her life
has no meaning without a man. This ain't Scully.)
(Edit: And having seen them
holding hands, she felt like she had lost him... her life... her meaning...
forever.)
She wanted to pull herself together. She had to. She turned
around and headed the way she came. She didn't want to, but her heart (heart
#3) beat her head (with a huge stick, until
she bled to death). She looked through that
door again (with her X-ray vision). Not
because she wanted him to see her, but because she had to convince herself that
this is (was, keep it ALL in past tense) the
reality.
(Edit: She wanted to pull
herself together. She had to. She turned and headed back the way she had come.
She didn't want to, but her heart overruled her head. She looked through the
window again. Not because she wanted Mulder to see her, but to convince herself
of the reality of the situation. )
Her head briefly turned to look. Her eyes (eyes
#2) barley (barely; barley is "a cereal
grass having the flowers in dense spikes with long awns and three spikelets at
each joint of the rachis") holding back the tears (tears/crying
#1), her face covered with sad. ("Covered
with sad"? The author is apparently not a native English speaker. Well, I
don't care. That is no excuse for churning out **** like this.)
(Edit: She briefly turned to
look, forcing back tears. )
As she looked, Mulder (Oh, so it
IS Mulder in there. Nice to know.) lifted his eyes (eyes
#3) from Diana and he faced her. Their eyes (eyes
#4) were locked just for a second (Guess
Mulder has X-ray vision, too, seeing through that closed door.), but
everything was reviled (revealed; definition of
revile is: "to subject to verbal abuse") to Mulder. He saw her
tears (tears/crying #2), and the look on her
face stiffed (stiffed? Uh, no.) his heart (heart
#4) with a thousand knives. He realized what she was thinking (telepathic
connection!) and he himself wasn't able to handle his pain (pain
#2). The pain (pain #3) she was feeling
was doubled in Mulder's heart (heart #5), just
for thinking that she thought hat his heart (heart
#6) belonged to Diana.
(Edit: As she stood there,
Mulder raised his eyes from Diana and saw her. Their gazes met for just a
second, but everything Scully felt was revealed to Mulder. He saw her unshed
tears, and the look on her face made him feel as if his heart had been stabbed.
He realized she thought he still loved Diana. )
He let go of Diana's hand as he let go of her heart (heart
#7) a long time ago. Without a word to Diana he ran after Scully. But it
was too late, she already drove away.
(Edit: He let go of Diana's
hand as he had long ago let go of her heart. Without a word to her, he ran after
Scully. But it was too late; she had already driven away. )
His driving was hysterically (funny).
His mind barley (more barley!) focusing on the
road. He didn't know what he would do if she hadn't drove (driven)
to her house...just a thought of him not finding her...all his pain (pain
#4) was mirrored in his eyes (eyes #5). They
were as black as the night surrounding him and his heart (heart
#8 ).
(Edit: He drove wildly, barely
paying attention to the road. He didn't know what he would do if she wasn't
home. Just the thought of not finding her... all of his pain was mirrored in his
eyes. They were as black as the night surrounding him and his heart. )
PART TWO
She couldn't hold back her tears (tears/crying
#3). They ran down her face and on her couch pillow. But it didn't make
her feel any better. The tears (tears/crying #4) didn't
help. Nothing could help her now. No one could mend her broken heart (heart
#9). (Crying didn't help. The tears didn't
help. Nothing could help. No one could help. Except for an editor.) She
wanted to call her mother but she knew that it would be seamless (useless
or futile?). She wanted her pain (pain #5)
to stop. She needed her pain (pain #6) to
stop...and so she decided to find her only way out... (I
wanted this story to stop. I needed this story to stop. And so I decided to find
my only way out... the delete key. Okay, I didn't use it, but it WAS a tempting prospect.)
(Edit: She couldn't hold back
her tears. They ran down her face and soaked her couch cushion. But it didn't
make her feel any better. She needed her pain to stop. And so she decided to
take the only way out. )
She went into the kitchen and slowly opened the top dreary (HUH?
Drawer, perhaps?) nice string of metal knives caught her eye (eyes
#6). Her hand shakingly grabbed the sharpest. She was a medical doctor (Duh...)
and she knew very well how painful (pain #7)
and slow would be the way she chooses (chose) to
die. But she wanted her physical pain (pain #8)
to beat her physical. (I'm laughing too hard to
correct the last sentence.) She no longer wanted to feel her pain (pain
#9) in her heart (heart #10); she
wanted to feel the pain (pain #10) witch (Witch?
Yes! There's a witch right here!... Oh, not THAT kind of witch. The author meant
to use "which". It would still have been incorrect; "that"
is proper usage in this case.) the blood exit her body and carrying her
away from this world. The knife barley (This misusage
is becoming more annoying than amusing.) touched the skin of her arm (as
opposed to the metal of her arm, perhaps?) but than (then)
a loud knock on the door made her loose (lose) the
control (I hate it when I lose the TV remote control,
too.) and the (loud) knife fell on the
ground making a loud noise for Mulder to hear as ran to the (loud)
door.
(Rant about the above actions:
Scully would NEVER attempt suicide as written here. The author would have us
believe that the shock of realizing she is in love with a man whom she just saw
him holding hands with and talking to a former lover would send her over the
brink. No way. Never happen, unless she was being controlled, and I mean that
literally, by an outside force.
Edit: She went into the kitchen
and slowly opened the top drawer. A shining display of knives caught her eye.
Trembling, she grabbed the sharpest one. She knew how painful and slow her death
would be. But she wanted her physical pain to drive out her mental anguish. The
knife had barely touched her arm when a loud knock on the front door made her
lose control and drop it. )
"Scully?!" Mulder said with such shakiness in his
voice that he thought it would break. (Which would be
quite a feat.)
(Edit: "Scully?"
Mulder called shakily. )
Mulder's voice immediately lifted her head up.
(A very powerful voice, to be able to lift someone's head.) Tears (tears/crying
#5) were still running down her face. She didn't know what to do. She
said the sentence only averring (???) its
meaning when she heard her crying (tears/crying #6) scream.
"Go away Mulder!!!"
(Edit: Hearing his voice, she
lifted her head. She didn't know what else to do, so she screamed, "Go
away, Mulder!")
The words stabbed Mulder's heart (heart
#11). (Scully also has a very strong voice,
evidently.) He new (knew) he was the source of all this pain (pain
#11) mirrored in her voice and he put himself together. (A
little while ago, Mulder's pain was mirrored in his eyes. Now, Scully's is
mirrored in her voice. Interesting.)
(Edit: The words stabbed at
Mulder's heart. He knew he was the source of Scully's pain. )
"Scully, you have to let me in. You have to listen to
me..." he begged, tears (tears/crying #7) were
appearing in his eyes (eyes #7). (new
paragraph) Scully's head was full of emotion. She didn't know what she
was feeling. Everything was mixed, anger, hate, care, and love... (Then
she DID know how she felt. It was just a jumble of different emotions.)
"Go away", she said again, not with a scream but
a quiet crying (tears/crying #8) voice, witch (Yes,
I'm still here.) reviled (revealed...sigh)
her confusion and doubts.
(Edit: "Scully, you have
to let me in. You have to listen to me," he begged.
Scully's head was full of
emotions: anger, hate, caring, and love. "Go away," she said again in
a quiet voice that revealed her confusion.)
"Please Scully. Open the door. We need to
talk..." he said, quietly, with his hands gently resting on her door and
his head looking on (at) the ground.
"Please", he said again, so quietly, just for his
comfort.
(Edit: "Please, Scully.
Open the door. We need to talk," he said, looking down, his hands gently
resting on the door. "Please," he repeated. )
The battle in her mind was won by Mulder's words. Anger and
an enormous amount of pain (pain #12) once
again emerged from her heart (heart #12) as
she remembered what she saw. That feeling mixed with the love for him that she
could never kill, slowly lead (led) her to the
door.
(Edit: The battle in her mind
was decided by Mulder's words. As she remembered what she had seen, anger and
pain mixed in her heart. Those feelings, combined with her love for him, led her
to the door. )
Mulder could hear her uneven footsteps as she was walking
to the door. He lifted his head. She, still unsure about what she is to do,
grabbed the handle (knob). She could barley
(BARELY!) feel the pain (pain #13) in
her bloody hand. (I thought it was her arm?)
But now her anger overcame the love and it itself opened the door.... (Wouldn't
love make her WANT to open the door?)
(Edit: Mulder heard her uneven
footsteps, and lifted his head.
She grabbed the doorknob. She
could barely feel the pain in her bloody hand. Anger overcoming her, she opened
the door.)
PART THREE
....their eyes (eyes #8)
immediately locked (in a vicious battle to the death).
A moment of silence broke (ouch) between them.
As she was looking at him, she realized that what she was about to do is (was)
wrong. She should never push herself on the edge. But the anger was still
there...at that moment she hated him so much. So much for hurting her this
way...
(Edit: Their eyes locked. A
silent moment passed. As she looked at him, she realized what she was about to
do was wrong. But the anger was still there. At that moment, she hated him so
much for hurting her.)
He faced her. He was speechless. He saw her anger again. He
saw her tears (tears/crying #9). (He
had to start his next thought with the word "he".) He had to
tell her, he had to make her understand...
"Scully, this is not what you think it is..." he
said after rushing into her apartment. (He didn't
stay speechless for long.) He closed the door and faced her again.
(Edit: He faced her,
momentarily speechless, seeing her anger and her tears.
He had to tell her, to make her understand. He rushed into her apartment.
"Scully, this is not what you think it is," he said, closing the door
and facing her again.)
Scully regained her control again and said sharply. (Regain
means "to gain again". So the word "again" shouldn't be in
that last sentence.)
"Mulder (comma)
there is nothing for you to explain! What you do with your personal life is none
of my concern and I suggest that we both forget about what happened." Her
voice became even colder and the look in her eyes (eyes
#9) matched it.
(Edit: Scully regained her
control and said coldly, "Mulder, there's nothing for you to explain! What
you do with your personal life is none of my concern, and I suggest that we both
forget about what happened." )
"All of this should never happen." (You
mean this story? Oh, do I ever agree. And did Mulder say this line? I assume
so.)
(Edit: "All of this should
never have happened," Mulder said.)
"Go home (comma) Mulder..."
(Can I go home, too? Please?)
(Edit: "Go home,
Mulder." )
Her coldness froze his body. But he stepped forward (If
his body was frozen, how could he move?) and looked deep into her eyes (eyes
#10).
"Not before we clear some things out (up)!"
he mumered (murmured) quietly. (I'd
like to hear a loud murmur.)
(Edit: Her coldness stunned
him. But he stepped forward and looked deeply into her eyes. "Not before we
clear some things up," he murmured. )
She said it again.
"Go home (comma)
Mulder! There is nothing to say!" (Certainly
nothing worth listening to.)
(Edit: She repeated, "Go
home, Mulder. There's nothing to say!" )
Now he couldn't keep it inside of him anymore. He almost
screamed out. All his emotions where (were) there... "There is A LOT to say!!!" Than, he
calmed himself. He got even closer and put his arms on her shoulders.
(Edit: He couldn't restrain his
feelings anymore. He almost screamed, "There is A LOT to say!" Then he
calmed himself, moving closer and putting his hands on her shoulders.)
She was frozen and at the moment she wasn't able to bear a
straight thought in her mind.
(Frozen, she couldn't think
straight. )
Than he continued quietly.
"Scully why do we always find the words to describe
everything but US??? Why do we not express what is there. Why do we hide what we
feel.(")
His voice grew even quieter. Their eyes (eyes
#11) were only inches apart when he whispered "Why didn't you tell
me how you feel. Why didn't you trust me?"
(Edit: He continued quietly,
"Scully, why do we always find the words to describe everything but US? Why
don't we express what's there? Why do we hide what we feel?" His voice
dropped even lower. Their eyes were inches apart as he whispered, "Why
didn't you tell me how you felt? Why didn't you trust me?" )
All was happening so fast for her. She didn't know what she
was feeling anymore, all she felt was confusion (She's
not the only one.), but that too vanished with his last question.
"Why didn't you tell me, (no
comma) that you love me?!"
(Edit: Everything was happening
too fast for her. She was so confused. She didn't know how she felt until she
heard his next question: "Why didn't you tell me that you love me?")
PART FOUR
Her pulse rose. All she saw now, was what she should have
seen a long time. Her man, her main man. (Oh, give me
a break! This is Scully, not a country song. Her "main man"? BARF.) She
looked him deep in the eye (only one eye?; eyes #12) and
tried to say something but his soft fingers put a hold on her mouth as his head
came just inches from hers.
(Edit: Her pulse raced. She
realized what she should have known a long time ago. She looked Mulder in the
eye and tried to speak, but he placed soft fingers on her mouth. )
He, now, was completely sure of what she is (was)
feeling too. He just wanted to hold her. He put his arms around her and they
just stood there. He felt so warmed, save (safe),
so loved. They slightly let ("slightly"
let?) go of each other and he put his soft, worm (warm)
hands on the silky skin of her face. He spoke and as he said it, the
words seemed like the three most perfect words that were ever put in harmony. ("End of story" would do it for me.)
(Edit: He became sure of how
she felt, and he just wanted to hold her. Wrapping his arms around her, he stood
there, feeling warm, safe, loved. Then they moved a little apart, and he touched
the silky skin of her face. As he spoke, his words seemed like the three most
perfect ever put in harmony. )
"I love you..." his voice whispered to her.
(Edit: "I love you,"
he whispered. )
Her palm found his face. She ran her hand down his cheek
and a tear (tears/crying #10) flowed down her
face at the same moment. Her heart (heart #13)
spoke (and said, "Let me out of this
impostor!").
"I love you too."
(Edit: She ran her palm down
his cheek as a tear flowed down her face. Her heart spoke. "I love you,
too." )
A little smile played on their lips (first
on the slide and then on the swings. And when the smile got tired, it curled up
for a nap.). Before either one of them realized, their waiting lips
softly met (, shook hands, and began making idle
chitchat). They broke into a tender kiss and it felt like heaven to them (I
can think of another description for it.). Life wasn't a reality anymore.
(Exactly. None of this would ever happen on the REAL
"X-Files.") They gently expressed all that was locked in their
harts (heart #14), all truths were
reviled...all was said.
(Edit: Matching smiles played
across their faces. They broke into a tender kiss, and it felt like heaven. They
gently expressed the feelings locked in their hearts. All truths were revealed;
all was spoken. )
After what seemed like an eternity to them (and
to me), their lips parted and their eyes (eyes
#13) met (and introduced themselves, like
their lips did in the last paragraph). No words were needed. (No
words could possibly express the full horror of the reviewing Witch.)
(Edit: After what seemed like
an eternity, their lips parted and their eyes met. No words were necessary. )
Mulder pulled her close to him again. In each other's
embrace he could hear her heart (heart #15)
beat. It was the most beautiful thing he could have ever heard...
(Edit: Mulder pulled her close
to him again. He heard her heart beating, and it was the most beautiful sound he
could ever remember. )
She felt Mulder's hands hold her tightly. She couldn't
imagine she could have ever felt so safe, so complete, so loved...
(Edit: Standing in his embrace,
Scully felt more safe, complete, and loved than she had ever imagined she could.
)
*End*
RATINGS
(0=good, 5=bad in all categories)
Evilness Rating:
5
Incredibly awful. I can't think
of ANYTHING the author did well.
Who ARE These People?
5
Romeo and Juliet? If they
weren't crying or whispering, they were screaming. And did I mention that little
matter of Scully's suicide attempt yet?
I Speech Goodly:
5
Awkward construction. Numerous
POV shifts. Abysmal word selection. Nearly every sentence had to be revised when
I edited this mess.
I R A Gud Speler:
5
"New" is not the same
as "knew" and "hart" is no substitute for "heart".
Next time, proofread.
GAK-o-tron:
5
Scully and her "main
man" made me violently ill with their talking hearts, sobbed confessions,
and tight embraces.
Laziness Quotient:
5
The author left readers to
struggle through the opening lines before they realized, all on their own, that
this story is supposed to be an alternate finish for "The End." Oh,
and she didn't proofread worth a lick, or use a beta.
Mary Sue Must Die:
4
I suspect that *d* *starbuck*
was projecting her own attitude toward romance onto Scully. Bad move.
Really, really bad move.
Death to Clones:
4
Many authors have written their version of how Mulder and Scully come to declare their love, but this is the first time I can recall reading a Scully suicide attempt before the big finale.
And Your Point Was...?:
5
Scully is a weak-willed female who is not only incomplete without a man, she doesn't want to be alive without him. Painful, indeed.
Wild
Card
Pained hearts and tearful eyes:
5
Tallying up the results from the competition, "crying/tears"
appeared in 10 places. "Eyes" and "pain" were mentioned 13
times each. And the grand champion is "heart", which was referred to
in no fewer than 15 instances in a story that, printed out, runs about three
pages long. My own heart is pained, and my eyes are full of tears. Excuse me.
