Webwitch Note:  This is the original posting that hit the newsgroups.  It has the weird punctuation problem with periods, not ellipses. 

The Wicked Witch of the Midwest took this one on.

THE LAKE

 By: Jamie Tanquary

Feedback: If you feel so inclined to let me know you liked my work (believe

me I know how hard it is to write feedback)(Because, it's apparently hard for Jaime to

write ANYTHING, if this is a representative example.) then do so to

[email protected] (The jaybird amuses me.)

Rating: NC-17

Classification: MSR

Disclaimer: I really don't see the point of this considering there is not

one name used throughout the whole thing. But ok it all belongs to CC, FOX, Ten Thirteen Pro, and

DD & GA. Everything except the storyline. That's mine. (I wouldn't be so quick to take the CREDIT for that, if I were you.)

Summery: (It HAS been like that lately.  At least it has been in the Midwest.) Ok. OK, so maybe I was in the mood for a little Smut,

well not completely. It is a little sappy as well. (A little? A LITTLE?)

Visit my website for more of my stories

http://www.fortunecity.com/roswell/deva/631

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He took her there... as an act of rebellion, or maybe desire. (Ellipses mean part of the sentence has been left out.  What is missing, here?  Probably coherence.) The night was laced with words unspoken. (Words unspoken?  So how do we know they're there?  And how do they lace the night?  Did someone put something in the punchbowl at the FBI prom again?) Had he brought her here for some unsuspecting reason? (How do reasons suspect things?  They're mental constructions with no reasoning ability of their own.) She didn't want to know his motives... for they were the same as hers. (Ellipses again, what's missing?  If she didn't want to know his motives, how can she make this assumption?) The lake was unusually calm. the stars serenely bright. (Finally, a sentence that makes sense!  Whew!) He beckoned to her, but she did not come. She stared towards the water instead. (So she couldn't see him beckoning, therefore it's not strange that she didn't come.) She undressed slowly as she walked. (While staring at the water.  How does she avoid banging into stationary objects?) wanting him to relish in her beauty. (And I thought hubris as a story concept had died out with Sophocles!) And he did. his eyes traveling up and down her sleek body. (What is with this ... thing?  Where did you get this crappy convention?) Had the tiny sliver of a moon not been out (No dot dot dot here?  Put a comma in.) he wouldn't have seen the glow of her skin. (It must have been pretty bright, if he could see it by moonlight.  Is she radioactive?) the silkiness of her hair glistening between the soft apex of her thighs. (Between the apex? Hawn-sel?  Hawn-sel? The apex is the top, like the top of a mountain.  You can't get between the top, ok?  It's the top.  Second meaning is "the narrowed or pointed end." Which immediately brings to mind, Scully stabbed him with her apex.) Slowly she walked into the lake. (What is missing here?  Why are you doing this?  Are you trying to drive your readers INSANE?) each step creating waves across the calm water. (Scully must be as big as a barge.  Normal people would create ripples.) She paused halfway out to turn to him, her eyes softly pleading for him to join her. (Eyes can't plead, but as this is standard (bad) convention, I won't smack you down for it.) He could see her soul. (I see dead people.  No, really.  I saw my Grandpa one time, about two years after he died.  I was walking over to my Aunt's house to ask her to come to tea at three (because we're odd that way) and he was standing there under the apple tree with the dog, who was also dead.  He smiled and waved.  And I stopped walking and watched him.  He smiled again and walked down the hill to the lake, which reminds me that I'm supposed to be reviewing this story, but it's just so horrible that I'd rather think about dead people instead.) and her every waking thought was of him. The depths made him shudder with pleasure. (The depths of what?  The cool, dark water, beckoning him to a watery grave?)

 He tore at his clothes. They had become constricting. (Can't you just use a fucking comma for once?) yet he couldn't remove them fast enough. He wanted to be with her. inside of her. (Like the infant that he is.) If he claimed her as his own this once she would never belong to another.  (I beg to differ.  She could subsequently go out and fuck the stating lineup of the Green Bay Packers and he couldn't do a thing about it.) She would remain as his lover for all eternity. (Remain as his lover?  So she really wouldn't BE his lover, just a construction about something similar to a lover but entirely different.)

 He entered the lake hesitantly. It was chilly at first. not too cold, but cold enough for him to enjoy the slight sting of the water, to relish the pain along with the pleasure.  (If he's out to screw the woman, would he care if it was too cold other than for shrinkage reasons?)

 She kept walking towards the deepness of the lake. (I thought she was already in the lake, how is she walking toward it?) She was completely submerged now. (How is she breathing?  Does she have gills?  If she comes up with Excalibur, I'm going to have to hurt someone.) Too much for his tastes. (This is a sentence fragment.) He needed to see her.(Ever heard of a comma?) to watch her as she walked in the very center.  (Of what?) For the water would represent her. (Is Scully up before the judge again?) the very deepness of her soul.  (Down, bile!  Back down in my stomach!)

 She paused as if sensing his thoughts.  (How could anyone possibly know this?  It's Telepathic!Narrator.) How often had she dreamed of this night?  (Doesn't she know?  Has she been brainwashed?) Would she run and hide? (Will the narrator ask another rhetorical question?) No. she would wait for him to join her. wait for the inevitable pleasure that would arrive with her patience. (It's not inevitable.)

 He approached her slowly. his fingers dancing lightly over the soft skin of her back when he reached her. (Would you learn to punctuate correctly, please?) She didn't turn. she didn't need to it could only be him. (How many sentences do we have here pretending to be one?) But he teased her. He kept his larger frame (A picture frame?  A garden frame?  A window frame?) from touching her body attracting her to his warmth. She turned wanting more. so much more.  (Where do you get trite crap like this?)

Yet he wouldn't get closer.  (Or she'd realize his 'nads were shriveled up like raisins from the cold water of the lake.) He remained with his body not touching hers. (I hope he remains with his body, or it's an X-File.  Is there going to be an X-File?  Will there be astral projection?  "He flies his astral plane... Timothy Leary."  NOTE -WWMW used ellipses correctly here to denote words left out of the lyrics by the Moody Blues.) his hands running lightly over her skin.

 "I want you." she whispered softly. sensuously.

 "You want me for what?" he replied hoarsely. (This is actually a good Mulder line. You get points for it.  He would say something similarly inappropriate at such a moment.)

 "I want you to pleasure me as only you would know how." Was her soft reply. (And you immediately lose them for a) incorrect punctuation and b) the DUMBEST and most fake Scully line ever written.  What sort of BAAAAAD romance novel tripe have you been reading?  What idiot would say this with a straight face?  A real person would laugh if anyone ever said this to them.  Then they'd probably fuck her and never call again.)

 "Then let me." His lips covered hers. hard and demanding. His hands focused on the one spot that he knew would bring her pleasure. (Her elbow? Her forehead? Her little pinkie?)

 He pulled away as she began to moan and writhe under his touch. He moved away from that pleasure point. knowing she would groan in disappointment. (What a sadistic bastard!) She didn't fail what was expected of her. (What kind of sick S&M story is this?) His hands moved lightly towards her back.

 "What will you do for me?" he asked her softly.

 "Anything." she replied.

 Their eyes locked... (Ow, must be painful.) in the darkness he saw the reflection of desire in her eyes. It mirrored his own..... (If he saw the reflection, the desire would BE his own.  It's how mirrors work, unless you're in Wonderland.)

 "Anything?" He asked more carefully this time ("Punctuation?" she asked despairingly.)

 "Yes anything...just please..." (The following should be a new paragraph.) He asked no more. She was waiting and he would give to her the one thing she wanted most...the touch of another human being. (Whoa, this is getting kinkier and kinkier.  I thought they were alone.) His mouth descended upon hers again...this kiss demanding so much more as his tongue invaded her lips and explored the depth of her very soul. (Wow!  His tongue got all existential and everything.  How can one lick a religious/metaphysical construct?  "Come here, Scully, let me lick your religion."  "Of course, Mulder, then I shall lick your commitment like a yummy, yummy lollipop.") He pulled her tighter into the embrace. Had she had any second thoughts about what she was doing? (I don't know, had she?  That's sort of the author's business to tell us.) It didn't matter...she wanted him more than any other man she had ever wanted before...and he was willing to give into those pleasures, to make her understand the meaning of passion. (Could you please write in real sentences, not fragments strung together with ellipses?  This is just hideous.  And how does one "give into those pleasures?"  Do you mean in to, perhaps?)

 Slowly his hands moved up from her back where he had been cradling her in his embrace. Her moans were uneven begging for more... (Like so many other uneven things begging for more, gad!) yet too uneven to be deciphered. (Without the "Scully moan secret codex.") She stayed within the embrace.... waiting for the soft slide of his fingers...over the small of her back...up...slowly towards her soft neck. (I hope he will grasp her soft neck and strangle her so this awful fic will end.)

She gripped him closer into the embrace. She needed the contact... needed to feel the soft swell of her breasts against his chest. (How is she feeling this?  How does she know they're softly swelling?  Whose POV is this?) Still, he resisted the too close contact. (These POV shifts are making me seasick.) He needed her to want him more...needed her passion to overcome her very being. (If it overcomes her being, she'll be dead.  Unless Mulder is into necrophilia, that probably wouldn't be a good thing.) She wouldn't stand for it though. Instead she ran her hands slowly up his back...small circles...pressure here...softer touches there. He stilled her hands with no warning... (How did he do this?  Telekenesis?  There's no explanation here.)

 "No. you must remain still...only when I tell you to move.... not before. Not after..." His voice was demanding. she would not disobey. (How do these two sentences about two different people make up one sentence with something missing from the middle?  You know what's missing here?  Logic.  Any command of the English language.  Good sense.  You name it.)

 The desire for control was more overbearing than she had imagined, she yielded to the unsteady yet firm grip. (Overbearing?  Unsteady but firm?  Aiiieeeee!) Her body ached with yearning and burned at the idea of his touch.  (Isn't he touching her already?)His eyes clouded over with lust. (Aaaarrrghh POV shift!) Like a schoolgirl wanting to be taken, (I'm sure there are a LOT of teachers out there who are really glad to hear about this!) she felt herself shudder at the thought of his command, not the tone, but the urgency that came with it. (Arrrgh POV shift!) He assumed that he had the control. (Arrrgh POV shift!) but he was wrong to assume. (It made an ass of him and her.)

 (WWMW putting on her long, multicolored scarf and is going into the nearest phone box to place a call to the Time Lords so that they will come and kick this author's ass quite soundly for the hideous and unwarranted POV shifting.  She's not certain it's their jurisdiction, but they ought to be able to do something.)

 His grip tightened then released her wrists. (Mulder's grip (A bag?) can't release her wrists, Mulder can.) She would listen. she would let him do as he pleased for now.

 His hands began their journey from the small of her back again. She closed her eyes at his renewed exploration. He would not make her wait to (too) long. of that one fact she was certain. (Wow, that almost made sense.) What he promised would eventually come to pass. (And what is this?) The night would remain their friend. the morning would only come after they had exhausted their bodies. (Um, morning will come whether they exhaust their bodies or not.  It's funny that way.)

 The gentle pressure of his hands forced her eyes back open. (Wait, he's prying open her eyes with his hands?  Eeew, this just gets creepier and creepier.) The soft glide of fingertips along the top of her back now. (This is a sentence fragment.) Their eyes locked, both battling with words unspoken. words that would never be uttered, even in the veil of darkness. (Um, what is this "words unspoken" thing?  I mean, are their eyes battling with the words, cause that's what it says here?  And all this eye locking and unspoken words thing is just really messed up.)  There was too much at stake to voice their doubts.

 He watched her face as his hands slid along her collarbone. Her lips were parted slightly. her eyes half closed. (Do you have something against commas?) He was staring into those eyes, the eyes of temptation. and felt the fall of his restraint.  (Mulder's been tied up this whole time?)

 He turned her suddenly. Pressing close to her back skin against skin. (Fragment) She was gathered against his hot pulsating body.  (I have NEVER seen any human being pulsate.  This is lazy, trite romance novel dreck.  Find a real way to describe this.) The cool water nipped lightly against the heat of their skin.  (The water nipped against the heat, right.)

 "Is this what you want me for? To feel my body next to yours. to feel the warmth of my touch?" His words were her undoing.  (She dies?  Yeah!  Scully is free of this awful fic!)

 "No.I want more.I want your passion.I want. (comma!)" A soft smile played over her lips as she realized what he wanted to hear. "I want you inside me."

 His lips trailed over the soft skin of her neck. (why is there punctuation here?) as his hands traveled lower. Her back arched towards the renewed touch.  (When had he stopped?  He's been touching her the whole time.) The gentle massage sent chills down her body.the stroking of his fingers sending pleasure throughout her. And still he waited.running his hands over the tops of her breasts but no further.  (Commas would be a nice change.)

 Patience was lost. She needed to feel his touch all over. Her hands caught his and led them to the hard tips of her breasts. Her moans showing her state of arousal. (But not making a complete sentence.) Heat rippled under her skin as she recognized the flush of sexual desire she hadn't felt in years. (oh come on!) He was there for her.holding her tightly against the hard frame of his body.

 Her skin burned against his gentle touch.her heart pounding loudly.the water alive around them.  (What's the matter with commas?) Her moans of his name music from her lips. (Huh?) His very (shouldn't this be every?) touch sending little stabs of current down her abdomen to the very center of her desire. The sensation was incredible. His burning hard-on  (How could it burn in the cold water?) pressed against her, her breasts tingling against his palms.

 She would submit to this man.in every way possible. (Oooh, I see, it's the story of Scully O.) He would see her for who she was, for what she needed most of all. (And she knows this how?) And that is exactly what he wanted from her. (Again, either this is a POV shift or she knows it some way.) There would be no turning back now.if they ever had that choice at all.

 His hands traveled lower.as he knew she needed the contact. She was asking for more but he was reluctant to give in.reluctant for the time to pass to (too)quickly. Her knees grew weak with his touch.until he was holding her up with his arms that were wrapped around her. (As opposed to his arms that were signaling semaphore.)

 Fingertips danced lightly over skin.hers on his arms.his on her soft core. (Eeew.  This is so creepy.  I see a marshmallow Scully with a gooey center, melting down his hands into the water.) The shudders erupted within moments. (Gee, it didn't take me nearly that long.) to the tune of his fingers.  (What tune do fingers make?) She was his now.mind, body, and soul. No one would affect her for the rest of her life as this man had. His mind had trapped her own until she could trust no other.see no other person that would entrance her quite as much.  (And how does Mulder entrance her, oh, wait, I think I know.) She turned to him now. Her body craving the connection that only he could give her.  (Oh, please.  Anybody with a working dick can give her what she wants.  Well, maybe not in the cold water.)

 The gleam of his eyes reflected off her own.  (And she knows this, how?) Desire mirrored back at her in soft hazel eyes. A faint glimmer of love shining through the dusky irises.  (And she knows it's love because?) He loved her?

 The soft affirmative nod giving away more then they had ever hoped to accomplish that night. (Um, what does this mean?  It's totally incoherent.) She would reciprocate the emotion at a later date. ('Cause she doesn't love him now.) There was no need for the spoken word. Both knew the consequences. knew the depth of emotion involved.

 She gave to him then. Sensing what he wanted.sure that he would let her now. The soft slide of fingertips on his erect shaft. (Were not a sentence.) The deep intake of his breath. (Weren't a sentence, either.) It was his turn for pleasure. His turn for her comforts. 

Her hands ran sensuously down the hard shaft.his moans betraying more then (than) anything else. Standing on tiptoe, she touched her lips to his. She pulled away, intent on the movement of her hands.but he surprised her again. Pulling her back into the embrace, his demanding lips caressing hers with intensity. (She wasn't in a sentence again.) She felt the heat.felt the longing. He transferred it into a searing kiss of desire.

 They would end this charade.the years of holding back.the nights of endless frustration. His hands captured his again. (Captured his what?) She looked at his gaze questionably. (Yes, it IS pretty questionable.  It ALL is pretty questionable.) did he not want her now? Had she disappointed him somehow?

Of course not.his soft smile said as much. (This is just SOOOOO bad.) He just wanted more. Wanted the warmth that only she could provide, and it was time. They both knew it instinctively. His large hands encircled her tiny waist. She was light in the water.and out of it.  (And round heeled as can be!) He would do as he pleased.with only her pleasure in mind.  (Isn't this an innate contradiction?  Wait.  What am I saying?  How would this author know a contradiction if it bit them in the ass?)

 He lifted her to him.placing his hardness between her soft thighs. She was more than ready. Her body needing to be filled. (Verb.) Together.they lowered her body onto his. (Commas are useful.) Her body welcoming his.pulling him deeper with gravity working for desire. (But hideously in this author's unnatural prose.) A soft gasp capturing both their lips at this.their first joining in pleasure. Skin to skin, they were now as one. (As one?  As one?  What is this Tristan and Isolde?)

 Lips captured lips.the stillness of their bodies ever obvious as each adjusted to this new height of pleasure.  (Obvious to whom?  Their forest friends?) The world around them becoming hazy with the strength of passion and love. (What verb tense is this?) Nothing else existed, only this man and woman wrapped up in the tangles of lust.  (Love or lust?  Make up your freakin' mind.)

 He moved her then. Lifting her gently.taking her to his very tip. (No!  Stop!  This HURTS me!) She would know the true meaning of pleasure after tonight. (Thanks so much Capt. Hubris!) She would know what it meant to be only desire. (So being only desire is a bad thing?) He would make sure of it, she would never be wrapped in frustration again.  (How does one wrap oneself in frustration?)

 Her body pulled him back into her warmth. (Wow!  Scully's talented.) Instinctively arching towards him to make it more pleasurable for him. (Sentence?) But he couldn't hold out for long with the friction. She wanted it that way.she would see that he would be hers forevermore.  (By forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do. Yeah, that works.)

 It was slow at first. Soft resistance of pain and pleasure. (Sentence?) She would cry out.her lips against his. He would groan(,) his hands caressing her hard nipples with purpose.  (Punctuation is good. And, how many arms does Mulder have, here?  How can they continue to fuck if he's caressing her nipples?  Or is Scully using some sort of floatation device that has hitherto not been mentioned?  They wouldn't be at the right angle otherwise unless she's hanging on him like a monkey.)

 His hands moved away from those pleasure points. Wrapping around the coppery strands of her hair. (Sentence? And how many arms again?) He needed her closer. Needed to crawl into her very being.  (Her very being, right.)

 The desire was too much. Speed ensued. He drew in and out of her warm body.wanting to hear her cries of love.needing something only she could give. (I am just losing my mind at the punctuation here.)

She cried out for release. Begging him to take her to those heights that he had prepared for her. (Sentence?) But it wasn't enough. Their bodies emotions too intense. (I'd like to know about those bodies emotions.) He helped her then. Running his fingers down her chest .into the point of the joining. (Is Scully a picture frame now?) A flick of his finger and her felt her shudder.  (If he wants her to shudder, he should make her read the opening paragraph of this story.) She would need more.but not much.

 His fingers pressed into her.adding pressure to softness in just the right place. He pressed his hardness into her. Feeling the soft shudder of her around his body.  (I am all at sea from all this softness and hardness.) She was gone now. (Thank God, it was only a hallucination all along!) His name on her lips.carrying across warm empty waters, into the darkness of night. The pleasure exploding before his eyes. (Yuck.  She exploded.)

She had become one with the night sky.  (Like Samantha, this is so sad.) Her body shattering into the stars.joining them among space.  (Snif.) One more thrust and he was with her. (They're both dead!  Hooray!) Gathering her body close to his. God and praises of love on his lips. (Sentence?) Moaning her name.the echo of his spilling from her soft mouth. (Sentence?  "The echo of his spilling"  I have to think on that, to contemplate the perfection of it's awfulness.)

 The water rippled around the couple. The chosen spot of contentment was now a safe haven for them both. (What?) They need not worry if they were alone.for no one knew of this hideaway. (Except the leeches.) Her body calmed down.his following closely behind. (What?) Their lips meeting for a soft kiss on contentment.

 Her body was gleaming.the soft rays of dawn invading the night of pleasure.  (Lord, that took forever.  It's almost as interminably long as this story seems.) She moaned with discontent. They had lost the cover of the night. There would be no more pleasure this evening. (What time is it?  I am discombobulated.) They had work to finish.cases to solve.

 But his eyes told another story. He carried her to the shore.pausing to adjust to their still joined bodies.  (Mulder and his wonder cock.  That's a trick, considering the height difference.  He must have very bruised shins from where her feet are hitting them with every step.) They would could be back.he told her without words. (I would could ignore this, but I won't.) Only the night would harbor their desire.

 She pulled away at the shore. Picking up pieces of scattered clothing. (She couldn't find a sentence.) He watched her body.sliding into one piece or another of her clothes. (Why is there punctuation in this sentence?) The gracefulness was hard to resist. Her body screaming for him to touch her.but he would deny the passion. (Would you please write a sentence that IS a sentence?) A well hidden love that only they could know about.  (Arrrrgggghhhh!)

 She turned to him then. Hazel Green eyes clashing with Blue.  (Ouch. And the sentence thing again.) The love was immense.the desire unmistakable. Words forming on her lips now.expressing the depths of emotions.  (Stop, please!  The horror, the horror!) He turned to dress before she could utter them. No time for the admission.no time for that truth.

 But it couldn't be denied. She waited for him to get dressed.watching him as he slipped into the warm clothing. (A comma? Please?) His body moving towards her again. (In search of a sentence.) But it was different now. Distant. (one word doesn't make a sentence.) His arm now on hers.guiding them away from this place of desire.

 But she wouldn't let it happen. She waited for his stare.waited for the questioning glance. (His stare? That's rude.  Especially from a twelve-armed freak like Mulder.) When it came she almost lost the nerve. "I love you.I always have." (Despite all your extra arms.)

 His eyes more intense.not shocked.but confused. (I'd be shocked and confused if this author wrote a decent sentence.) "But I knew that already. Just as you know that I love you."

 Her soft smile lighting his heart. (Verb tense?) She was happy. She needed the confirmation. Needed to know he wanted her. He smiled briefly(,) glancing back towards the morning sun. It had come out even further.now lighting the sky with orange and red. (Is there a comma in this WHOLE story?)

 She followed his gaze.then turned back towards him. "Tonight?"

 He smiled again.confirming her beliefs. Passion once shared would never be withheld again.

 They turned away.leaving secrets and darkness behind.  (Like the darkness this author left within my soul.)

 End----

Feedback [email protected]

Visit my website for more of my stories

http://www.fortunecity.com/roswell/deva/631

 (Never.  It would kill me.)

Ratings

Evilness Rating:

The big 5 

This is bad in ways I was hitherto unable to imagine.

Who Are These People?

4

Twelve-armed freaks and women who defy gravity fucking in a lake.

 I speche Goodly:

 2

 Every attempt at artyness was trite by the 1700s.

I R a gud speler:

2 

You didn't use spellcheck. And you don't know basic things like "two" "to" and "too" or "than" and "then". And let's not even get into the punctuation issue.

GAK-o-tron:

5

I gakked up a lung.

Laziness Quotient:

3

This took effort.  But it was bad effort.

Mary Sue Quotient:

0

None I can see

Death to Clones:

3

How many times have we seen this "soulmates on the water" scenario?  Too many for this witch.

And Your Point Was:

0

Making your readers insane through the use of poor punctuation and trite wording.

General Evil Ranking:

5

Totally evil.  Avoid this!  Run away now!

Wildcard:

Follow the links below to learn the proper use of ellipses and commas.  Please!  Just do it!