First off, a big thanks to the folks at the Godawful Board. After reading their comments about this story, I just had to look at the thing, and heck if it wasn't even worse than I anticipated. For those who speculated that it was a parody, I'm afraid you're wrong. I read all of the author's other work at Gossamer, and nowhere does she give any indication that she realizes what she has written is equal parts horrifying and hilarious. The only way I could stop laughing long enough to finish this review was to think about my dead dog.

I turn to you

by Stephanie

[email protected] (Stephanie Bakos)

Classification: SR

Spoilers: Millenium (Millennium)

Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance

Summary: A few months after the kiss, Mulder takes Scully to a Christina Aguleria (Aguilera) concert to tell her his feelings. (The summary alone made me retch. Not only does it give away the entire "plot" [such as it is], but in case you couldn't tell from the title, you now know that this story is a dreaded songfic. Oh, and lest I forget: I'm not a Christina Aguilera fan, and before I read this story, I could only name one of her songs, but even I knew the CORRECT SPELLING OF HER NAME!)

Disclaimer: I wish I own them, but I don't. : ( (Lemme guess: If you owned them, they would call each other by their first names, get married in an elaborate ceremony with hundreds of guests attending, lounge around listening to pop music on the weekends, and eat in candlelit restaurants. I just scared myself.)

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" Scully(,) are you busy tonight? " (It would help if Stephanie indicated that Mulder was speaking, and why, oh why, is she putting a space between the quotes and the dialogue?)

" Why? "

" I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Christina Aguleria (Aguilera) concert. (comma, not period)" He (He who? And that should be a lower-case h in "he") said and whipped out two tickets. (In reality, Mulder probably knows as much about Christina Aguilera as I do, which is next to nothing. He sure as hell wouldn't present Scully with tickets to one of her concerts.)

" Sure(,) i'd (I'd) love to. " (Another reality check: What Scully really should have said was, "Mulder, are you insane? I've never listened to Christina Aguilera in my life, and I'm not about to start now.")

" Good, see you at seven. "

" Sure. "

Mulder's intentions were not just to bring Scully to a concert, (period, not comma) he (Capitalize "He" since you are starting a new sentence. Or at least, you should be if you want to use good grammar.) had decided to tell her how he felt about her. He had arranged for the song " I turn to you " (improper capitalization) to be dedicated to her. After the song, he was going to propose to her in front of a national audience on stage. ("He had arranged for the song ' I turn to you ' to be dedicated to her. After the song, he was going to propose to her in front of a national audience on stage." Yes, you read that right. And yes, this story does get much, much worse.)

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Mulder pulled his car up (into, not up) her parking lot and watched her come out the door and got (get) in his car. " Hey(.) " (new paragraph) " Hey yourself(,) G-Man. " (new paragraph) " Let's go ! " (Witty dialogue to go along with that fascinating plot!)

They got to the concet (concert) hall in record time and Mulder led them in. They oined (joined) the croud (crowd), front row center. " Ladies and gentlmen (gentlemen)...... Please welcome CHRISTINA AGULERIA (AGUILERA)!!!! " The crowd went wild with cheering as the pop sensation came out.

" Hey(,) everybody! Let's get on with the show! " She sang the crowd away with " Genie in a bottle " and " What a girl wants." (Someone never learned how to capitalize song titles.) If you were in (within) (a) 10(-)mile radius of the concert hall, there would be a slight ringing in your ear from all the cheering. (Shift to second person, crappy use of hyperbole, and how did I end up with only one ear? Plus, I wouldn't want to be within a thousand-mile radius of that concert, I assure you.)

" My next song is being sent out from a guy to a girl he wants to tell his feelings to, but can't find the words. I talked with hm (him) and he said he has known her for seven years. From what I know about him, girl(,) you're lucky to have him in your life. So would Dana Scully and Fox Mulder please step forward. "

Scully turned her head to see her partnet (partner) had his 100,000,000,000(-)watt grin on his face and she was lost for words. (POV shift, more crappy hyperbole, and I don't blame Scully for being shocked speechless.) (new paragraph)" Come on. " Mulder led her up the steps and they faced the crowd and Christina as she began. (Who began? Scully?)

" When I'm lost in the rain. In your (eyes) I know I'll find the light, to light my way. When I'm scared, losing ground. When my world is going crazy you can turn it all around, and when I'm down you're there, pushing me to the top. You're always there giving me all you've got.

(I did my homework with this one and looked up the lyrics to this song on four Aguilera websites. I now know more about Christina Aguilera than I ever wanted to, but it couldn't be helped. Is anyone surprised to learn that Stephanie made several mistakes with the lyrics? No? I didn't think so.)

(")For a shield, from the storm. For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm. I turn to you. For the strength, to be strong. For a love to carry on. (WRONG! All four websites agree: The correct lyrics are, "For the will to carry on") For everything you do, for everything that's true. I turn to you. When I lose the will to win. I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again. I can do anything cuz your love is so amazing, cuz your love inspires me. And when I nee (need) a friend your (you're) always on my side. Giving me faith through the night. (That last line should read, "Giving me faith that gets me through the night.")

(")For a shield, from the storm. For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm. I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for a love (actually, "for the will") to carry on. For everything you do, I turn to you.

(")For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain. For the truth that will never change. For someone to lean on. For a heart I can rely on through anything For that one I can run to. (Correction: "For that one who I can run to.")

(")For a shield, from the storm. For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm. I turn to you. For the strength to be strong, for a love ("For the will") to carry on. For everything you do, for everything that's true. For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you. "

" Scully(,) I love you so much. Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on Earth?" (new paragraph)" YES! " (new paragraph)Slowly their lips met for the first time on national telivision (television). (Hold it. The author noted that they had already kissed in "Millennium," so how can this be their first kiss? Or does she mean that this is their nationally televised kiss, implying that others lie in their future? Spare us that horror!)

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Okay, the end was pretty dumb but oh well. (The END was pretty dumb? How about the rest of it?)

Send feedback to [email protected] (For heaven's sake, she even spelled her own e-mail address wrong. As you can see from comparing this address to the one in the headers, there is an "r" in "princess." I hope Stephanie doesn't think that mistake is why people aren't sending her feedback.)

Ratings

5 across the boards. No need to elaborate. Plowing through this story was punishment enough. I won't make anyone endure a rehash of its finer points. Except for my favorite category. Keep reading.

Wild Card

Adding insult to injury:

5

If you absolutely must write a putrid songfic, at least spell the singer's name correctly. It's

A-G-U-I-L-E-R-A.

Got it?