(Note from
the Web Witch: Formatting was so
terrible, I stuck it into paragraphs. I
hope they don’t work against the author’s intent. In parts, I think I might have helped it along.)
(The title
alone on this one was Witch-bait. And,
as I'd expected, the story is a heinous crime against fanfic.)
Title: Fox And Dana I: First Time
(At Dawson's Creek)
Author: Jo Ann Medrano
Rated: G
Disclaimer:
The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me.
They are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox
Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended. (Thank
the good Lord, as we all would
have stopped watching long ago if the show had been this juvenile, trite,
and filled with adolescent shmoopiness.)
Author's
Note: These events take place a few months after the
movie and a few 6th season episodes.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fox And Dana: First Time
Thursday, March 25, 1999- Late Evening
Scully could not believe
what Mulder (had- here's a little helping verb, just
for you!) just told her.
Sharing the bed with
him, (This is SO WRONG already.) they discussed
the case they were working on... (Hold on for the
strange temporal shift into the farther past!)
Mulder came into her motel
room, complaining to her that the
room he was staying in had no heat or any extra
blankets to keep him warm this cold night. (As
opposed to the heat and blankets he'd want this warm night.
And "complaining to her?"
Can we write in a less stilted fashion, please?)
He
shyly asked if he could stay in her room. (Because
Mulder is so shy. You know he'd
just come in, plop himself down on the chair or couch and say, "Scully, the
heat's broken in my room and I'm staying here."
That's what normal adults would do, at any rate.
Then banter would ensue not the subsequent whining.)
" Please, Scully, just
for tonight... " Mulder (whined pathetically like
a flop-eared puppy and) pointed to the
armchair in her room. Not looking comfortable at all,
the old piece of furniture was better than the room he
was in that was colder than a freezer.
(Sentence structure, whither art thou?
Try not to string together so many phrases in random order, 'k? And this is temporally wrong again. He's already come to Scully's room, so that's the room he was
in. He can't be in two at once,
unless he's standing halfway through a connecting door or something, and the
author hasn't bothered to describe this.)
Dressed
in a large T-shirt and sweatpants, Scully smiled
at him. ("One of these things is not like
the other..... one of these things just doesn't belong..."
What has what Scully is wearing to do with her smile?) Always with
his boyish face, she would give in to
his request. (And the wording of sentences just keeps
getting curiouser and curiouser.)
" Sure, you could sleep
in here with me, Mulder. There's plenty
of room on the bed... " (Gasp!
Not... the BED!)
Mulder's eyes grew
large. (See,
he's as shocked as I am at this forward suggestion from a girl.) "
Are you sure, Scully? I mean... it
is your... "
" Of, course, you
can... " She was full of surprises. (Being
totally out of character will do that.) "If you get out of line,
I'll just shoot you... " (What
a card, that Scully.)
Wearing his jogging
clothes, Mulder tossed his running shoesand jacket to the side of the room. (Um,
wasn't he supposed to have been in bed? If
so, why does he have his shoes and jacket?) Hurling himself onto the bed,
Mulder had caused it to bounce a few times before it
settled down. (Now the helping verb?
What tense are we in again? Oh
the world begins to spin!) Scully managed not to lose a drop of her hot
tea, she was holding when he jumped on the bed. (This
is just unbelievably awkward. How
about, "Scully managed not to lose a drop of the hot tea she was holding,
despite the bouncing.”)
"I should just get the gun and shoot you now!!"
(I know of no sentence that requires two
exclamation marks.)
He
had started the 'work' conversation, bringing up his theories on the case. (What
time is it here? I am bilious with
the past tense shifting as it is.) As always, Scully had a hard time
accepting his far-fetch
explanations. (Because he always annoyingly refused to
let go of them when she tried to take them from his mouth.)
She
would go "Mulder this ", " Mulder that ", " Mulder,
please ",
"Mulder, Mulder, Mulder... ". (She
would GO? How about, "She would say,")
He
let out a sigh, which caught her attention. (As it
came in the middle of one of his "far-fetch" explanations.) Scully
expected to hear him say one of his
smart comments, (She expected to hear him say? Why would anyone describe it this way? She waited for one of his smart comments.) (New sentence
here, ok?) what came out was
a complete surprise.
" Will you just call
me, 'Fox'... " Mulder had asked. (Aiiiieeeeee!
This, of course, as opposed to the SHOW, where he expressly told her
NEVER to call him this during a stakeout on the Tooms case.
Have you watched the show?)
If it was meant to
shut her up, it worked! She looked at him,
her mouth opened with disbelief. (Because
Mulder had obviously been replaced by some idiot who wanted to be called
"Fox.") Scully honestly didn't know what
to say. (But she got out her gun to shoot the imposter
on the spot. Bang, he was dead and
this awful story was over.)
"
You better close your mouth, Dana, or something is going to crawl in there...
" (Darn, not over.
And now he sounds like my Mom.)
" You want me to
call you 'Fox'? " She finally answered, not
noticing he had just called her 'Dana'.
(As he only did in her worst nightmares.)
" Sure (comma) why
not? It's my name... "
" You never
wanted me to call you 'Fox', why the sudden change
of heart? " (Was it the brain surgery?)
" Does there have
to be a reason? I just want you to call me
'Fox'. It's no problem with you, is it?" (Even
though it undermines the very fabric of your universe.)
" No, no problem whatsoever... Fox. " (GAK!
GAK! GAK!)
He
smiled, liking the way she said his name. (Condescending
sneers always turned him on.) He felt a sudden
regret for stopping her a few years ago (like
6?) when she first tried to call
him 'Fox'. (Why
is it in quotes, or whatever those are supposed to be?)
"
Well, I don't know about you, Dana, but I could go for some
TV right now... " He reached over for the remote control but
stopped in mid-reach. He turned back to her, a look of worry
on his face. " You don't mind if I call you 'Dana', do you, Scully?
"
" No, never
did... " Dana smiled... (Because she was going to
kill him in his sleep and go in search of the REAL Mulder.)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday: Before
Sunrise...
Having fallen asleep
during the movie, Fox moved his body close
to Dana's. (Oh, the wrongness of this!
I weep.) His head on her shoulder, he rested his hand on her
stomach, not aware of the closeness he had brought to them both. (What?
This is SO awkward and nonsensical.
What do you mean by this? How
could he NOT be aware? Are you
talking physical or "spiritual" (GAK) closeness, here?)
Dana had no plans to
remove his hand. She liked the way it felt
on her, giving her a sense of security. (So
she's awake? Has she been awake all
night?) Enjoying the peaceful
moment with him, Dana brushed his hair to the side. (Checking
for strange implants that might make him act like a big idiot called Fox.)
'
Fox, ' She thought to herself. ' He's letting me call him,
'Fox'. ' (It's a sign of the Apocalypse. Where
are those Four Horsemen?)
When
was the first time she tried to call him by his first name?
Tooms. (See,
you DO remember. Why are you doing
THIS, then?) His stakeout on Tooms a few years ago, she tried to have a
serious talk with him when a
strange need to call him by his first name came
up. (Like Demon Possession.) It ended
with him reminding her, with a laugh, he preferred to
be called, 'Mulder'. (Right,
so why the HELL would he ask her to call him Fox now?
Only people he doesn't trust and who shit on him call him Fox.)
He
even claimed that he made his parents call him by his last name.
Mulder. Just Mulder.
What made it worse was
she brought him the wrong drink. (How devastating a
mistake!)
( If there's an iced tea in
that bag, could be love...) (Ok, THIS is a quotation.
It, of all the things you've PUT in quotation marks SHOULD be in
quotation marks.)
Not knowing at the time,
Dana had bought him a root beer instead of
the drink he desired. (And
what is she, Karnak, the Great?) It must not have been love... or was it?
She tried to remember the first time he had called her Dana.
It didn't seem fair. She
never stopped or corrected him. The times he did call her by her first name
caused her heart to beat fast.
When
did she know that she loved him? (Oh,
this is just SOOOO bad, and putrid, and shmoopy.) It was hard to believe
there was a time she didn't. His every thought, his every move, every boyish
smile and all the annoying things he would
cause had turned into love. (What
is up with this sentence? Jamming a
bunch of phrases together randomly does NOT lead to coherence.)
She
wondered if he loved her? (No, he doesn't.
Forget about it. You're a
hopeless loser, more likely to be struck by lightning or kidnapped by terrorists
than to marry. You're 35 years old
and no one wants you. You have a bleak, sad life of decrepitude to look forward
to as you are beaten and mistreated in some government-run nursing facility as
you have no family to look out for you. Then
you will be buried in some miserable hole and no one will come to the funeral.)
There must have been some kind of love he had for her? (Much
like the some kind of hatred I feel for her right now.) Was it the
kind of love a man had for a woman, not just for a friend or a sister? (What
language do you speak?) If the only kind of love he had for her were (was,
and the sentence is STILL bad.) like a sister, it would kill
her.
He did say it once.
(I love you...) (It's
a quote, put it in quotation marks.)
It
had to be the medication. How else could he had spoken such nonsense?
(Oh, brother...) (Quotes,
remember them?)
Maybe... just maybe...
Wrapping her free arm around
him, Dana snuggled closer to him.
When did she first fall in
love with him?
It must have been when she
handed him the root beer. It wasn't iced
tea, but it could have been the start of love? (I
don't know, it could have?)
She kissed his forehead.
Thinking of many times he kissed her, (Is he doing it
now? If not, then past tense would
be nice.) but never on the
lips. He almost did once, if the
bee hadn't stung her. (Look at this sentence
carefully. Does it make sense?
No? Then rewrite it.) What
could have been if the damn bee had waited a few seconds? (AIIIIEEEE! Stop it! You're
hurting my head!) Better yet, no bee
at all, only their lips together. (Where is the verb
here? There isn't one?
Guess what? It's not a
sentence.)
Those lips. (Where
is the verb? Here, little verb!
Come to WWMW!) She gently touched them with her fingertips feeling the
softness of them. (Feeling the softness of her
fingertips? 'Cause that's what this
sentence says.) It wasn't fair. They should have kissed.
(Why not now?)
The thought hit her. (But, strangely, it was in
parentheses instead of set off by quotation marks.)
I can't. I mean I
shouldn't...
(You could...) (What
is WITH this split-personality convention that so many of these crapfic authors
are using? This is NOT acceptable!
Find the right way to do this!)
He's sleep. (Morpheus?
The Sandman is making an appearance in this fic?
I hope he kills you all. It
WAS a horror comic, after all.) It would be taking advantage of him...
(He might like it...)
I don't want to wake him
up...
(Then be gentle, make it
soft...)
Like the wind... (Oh,
no! Now that damned Patrick Swayze
song is running through my head!)
She moved closer to his lips. Feeling his breathing on her
face, it was warm and welcoming. (Read this
sentence. What is up with this mangled construction?
Is English NOT your native language?)
(Be slow, Dana, don't press
too hard. Be gentle... be gentle... )
Their lips connected. Dana
tried to be careful as she could be, feeling
the warmth of his lips against hers. (I may puke now,
the nausea is becoming too great.)
(Pull back, girl, you're
staying too long...)
I don't want to go...
(Pull back, you'll wake him
up...) (Oh, no, Joan, the voices are telling you to
lead the armies of France and restore the Dauphin to the throne?)
As she drew away, Dana felt
his taste on her lips. (How does one feel a taste?
I'd really like to know.)
Slowly with her tongue, she licked him in.
(Oh, the image this brings to mind is so unappealing.)
' I have Fox in my mouth..
Oh, Fox, you're inside of me now. I
taste you all over my soul... ' (Die!
Die! Die!
If I knew where you lived I would injure you just for this.
You know, I have that voodoo doll I haven't named yet. Perhaps Jo Ann might be a good name....)
While Dana enjoyed the
moment, Fox's eyes slowly opened, a
smile came across his lips.
(Here's some. Never
write again. It's not something I'd
ordinarily say to someone who knows how to use spellcheck, but seeing you can't
think of anything to say, nor can you say the nothing in a coherent fashion,
you'd better quit while you're behind.
Evilness
Rating:
The
big 5
- It's just so bad and pointless and so filled with strange, inverted sentence
construction. Meaningless phrase
tags abound.
Who
Are These People?
5
- Not Mulder and Scully, that's for sure.
I
speche Goodly: -
2
- The inverted structure and strange phrases cause me great pain.
So much pain, that I couldn't begin to correct it without rewriting this
total piece of dreck.
I
R a gud speler:
5
- You hit a homer here, baby! Excellent
spelling.
GAK-o-tron:
Goes
up to Infinity in this case. I
puked. I hurled.
I had a dreadful time.
Laziness Quotient:
0 - As there's no discernable plot, and the entire story is
juvenile, trite and about no one we know, I'm amazed you had the strength to
commit it to paper, it's so lazy.
Mary Sue Quotient:
?
- I don't want to know
Death
to Clones:
5 - I think we're a bit over "Mulder and Scully's first
kiss", ok?
And
Your Point Was:
5 -We got the point.
You wanted them to kiss, right? How
nice that you made it totally implausible like this.
General
Evil Ranking:
5 - totally evil. Don't
bother.
Wildcard:
Her native language not being English, phrases with strange placement they in random fashion kept cropping up with run-ons and no verb in them fragments.
