Crescendo: 255
Words
by Opal
Rating: G (for generic, or gak, I presume)
Spoilers: none
Category: MSR
Archive: yes
Disclaimer: The X-Files and Mulder and Scully don't belong to me.
Notes: Jill challenged me to write a Valentine's Day story where Mulder
asks Scully out. It had to be exactly 255 words. Short and sweet. (Or
short and not-so-sweet.) So thank you,
Jill! This story is dedicated to you! (As is this review.)
It's hard to write such a short story and make it sound right. (And
you didn't.) Challenges are
so good for helping us stretch our abilities and come up with new scenarios. (Unfortunately,
you have to have some ability in the first place. As for that "new
scenario" bit, Mulder asking Scully on a date has been done to death.)
"Crescendo:
255 Words"
by Opal
When Dana Scully
entered the office, she thought Fox Mulder was sick. He was shaking, and his
eyes were darting around. (Sounds more like he's on
drugs.) He jumped when he saw her.
"Mulder,
are you all right?" she asked. (Thank you for not
using "alright"!)
"Fine,"
he gasped. (Gasped? Was he holding his breath till she
arrived?)
"Okay."
She turned around, sat down and started working. (Didn't
she think he was sick? Him "gasping" that he's fine should have tipped
her off that something is up. Or is Scully ignoring him for a reason?)
Fox
stood up. (Hold everything: It is always, always, always a
bad sign when the author uses "Fox" and "Dana" within the
first few paragraphs. That sort of usage can work on rare occasions when the
entire story supports it. But such is not the case here.) "Scully, I have something for you."
She stared
daggers at him. (Does
she have a reason to be pissed at him? Not that I can see. So what is with this
"daggers" business?)
"What is
it?"
Fox brought
his hand out from behind his back, to reveal a fat, red rose. (A
"fat" rose? Why not "big"?) "It's Valentine's
Day," he blurted. (Since when does Mulder go around
giving Scully flowers on Valentine's Day? Only in fanfic...)
"You're
right, it is!" Dana exclaimed. "I thought that was tomorrow!
(Like Scully forgets what day it is on a regular basis.) Thank you,
Mulder, you're so sweet to get me a flower." She placed it on the edge of
her desk. "I'll get it some water later." (Yes,
she really appreciates it. She drops it on her desk to dehydrate.)
"Scully,
I wanted to ask you something," Fox said. ("Have
you figured out that some evil author is controlling my speech and
actions?")
"Yes, I
like the rose," Dana replied. (The same evil author
is obviously controlling Scully, as well.)
"That
wasn't what I was going to ask," Fox told her. (So
much for their amazing mental connection, which so many authors do to death.
Kind of a welcome change that she didn't read Mulder's mind.)
"I wanted to know...." He gulped and looked down. "I
wanted to know if you would go out to eat with me tonight," he blurted. (And
now Mulder is acting like a lovesick teenager. BARF.)
He was so
adorable, thought Dana. (BLECH!) Fox wasn't really
sick. He was just so nervous he was trembling. (This is
just too funny!)
"I'd
love to go out," said Dana. "But can we go to a French restaurant?
French is my favorite kind of food. (Since when, exactly?)
And we have to be able to dance, too." (Because
we all know how much Scully loves to dance!)
"Yeah,
of course," said Fox. He smiled at her. If he had known it was that easy,
he would have asked Dana out the day they met. (The day
they met, he accused her of being sent to spy on him. He didn't exactly think of
her as date material at that point.) He
could hardly wait until tonight.
the end
If you count
"the end" then it is exactly 255 words! (Now,
this is lazy. The author couldn't reword the story just a little so as to fit
two more words? She miscounted, too. It's actually 256 words, counting "the
end".) What did you think? (That
it sucked!) I think Scully is a lot like me so that's why I picked a
French restaurant as her favorite. (Mary Sue!) And
she and Mulder looked so cute dancing together at the Cher concert
in that one episode. ("Post-Modern
Prometheus," dear.) They have to do it again! (Oh,
they have, in countless other bad stories.)
RATINGS
(0=good,
5=bad in all categories)
Evilness
Rating:
4
Pretty
bad. However, Opal is not totally without talent. Her grammar and spelling were
excellent. But her characterization was absolutely awful.
As
for that pretentious title, I consult my dictionary: "Crescendo -- a
gradual increase. The peak of a gradual increase. Climax." This story had
no peaks. It was one long, low valley.
Who
ARE These People?
5
Two
teenage co-workers whom the author happened to name "Mulder" and
"Scully" by coincidence.
I Speech Goodly:
0
No
problems here.
I R A Gud Speler:
0
Perfect
spelling. She even did "all right" correctly.
GAK-o-tron:
5
I
heaved throughout this one.
Laziness
Quotient: 5
I
had to have spent more time on analyzing this story than Opal did in writing it.
She even miscounted the number of words, and wanted to use "the end"
as two of them. It reads like she slapped this thing together in about five
minutes. I'm guessing she did. That would be fine if she kept it to herself. But
inflicting it on unsuspecting readers is NOT fine.
Mary
Sue Quotient:
5
She
not only pulled a Mary Sue, she actually admitted it! Scully is a lot like her?
Since Opal's favorite food is French, Scully's must be, as well? No no no no no
no no. NO.
Death
to Clones:
5
Nervous
Mulder asks Scully out for Valentine's Day. Like we haven't read it before.
And
your point was...?:
4
I
know what the point was, but it was executed in an extremely boring manner.
Please, authors, if you want Mulder and Scully to go on a date,
Wild
Card
Short
and Not-So-Sweet
The
lesson here: Just because a story is short does not mean it has to be crap. Work
within the limits. Make them work for you. Say something fresh. Write, rewrite,
and rewrite some more. Get a beta. Better yet, get multiple betas. Above all: IF
IT SUCKS, DON'T POST IT. Please.
