Arachnophobia
by
biplanejenni
RATING:
PG
SPOILERS:
Slight one for "Darkness Falls", but you won't really catch it if you
haven't seen it. Not to mention it's from season one.
CLASSIFICATION:
X-file Scully POV
SUMMARY:
A REALLY big arachnid starts to get revenge...
DISCLAIMER:
Not mine, never were, don't sue... (Don’t tempt me.)
AUTHORS
NOTE/ DEDICATION: I really got the idea for this story from the gory mess of a
smashed spider on my bedroom wall. (Oh, thanks.)
I figured it was
time for the spiders to fight back. Thanks gory mess. (You’re just too cute.)
I got the title
name from my sister, who suffers from arachnophobia. (And,
gee, a movie?)
Thanks for being afraid of spiders, Liz. I hope this is up to grade... (Sorry to disappoint you.)
now lets get started. (Must
we?)
FEEDBACK: Sorry, can't get it going just yet. If you want to send me feedback, it's all welcome at [email protected] (Well, you asked for it.) Now we can finally get this show on the road. (Promises promises…)
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Arachnophobia
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A
timid knock
came at the door to our basement office. (Came?
Timid? Howsabout having
someone knock timidly, rather than animating the knock?)
"Come
on in." I shout towards the door, closing the file I was looking over.
(This is just sloppy. She could just shout. And
she can read the file.)
A man with sandy (Redundant.)
blond hair stuck his head into the office.
(Ooh!
It’s already an X-File! Or
is this that Sleepy Hollow crossover
we’ve been waiting for?)
"Agent
Scully, VSC needs you to do an autopsy. We figured you'd be best for it."
(Just try this with a real forensic
examiner, let alone Scully.)
"Why?"
I ask.
"I'll
explain on the way." He motions (With what, his removable head?) for
me to follow him, but Mulder (Oh, he’s there, too?) grabs
my arm before I leave.
(These
detachable body parts! He couldn’t have very well grabbed it after
she left. I hope.)
"Hey,
Scully, can I come along too?" He gives me his puppy dog look (Oh,
no. Not the Puppy Dog Look.
We are taking away your online privileges for that.)
and I nearly punch
him, but he's still giving me that look, and I can't resist that look,
(Okay,
this makes no sense. If she can’t
resist the “look”, why does she want to punch him?)
so he gets to follow along.
(Since he has nothing better to do
before the pep rally.)
We catch up to the man as he waits at the elevator.
"So,
what's your name anyway?" I ask, trying to catch my breath.
(Silly me.
Wouldn’t she have asked this before she left her desk?
Wouldn’t she have required an official request---on paper, even?
Before she left the same desk to do an icky old autopsy?
And why is she catching her breath?
The elevator is just a few yards away from the office.
Must be that sexy dialogue with Mulder.)
"Agent
Thomson." The elevator arrives as he starts to explain why I was requested.
(Well,
do they get on the elevator?)
"The
body was found wrapped in a cocoon of silk, and early in your career, you dealt
with a case where the victims were wrapped in a cocoon. Us (Grammar
check! Grammar checks!)
in VCS figured if
it was the same thing, you'd recognize it. Otherwise, you'd just do a regular
autopsy." (He
was at the top of his grammar class.
And the difference between a regular autopsy and an irregular one?
On the show, Scully always follows standard television autopsy
procedures, even on “Jose Chung”.)
We
walked the rest of the way in silence. (This
must be a really big elevator.)
When we reached the VCS autopsy bay
(Teeny tiny quibble. VCS is in Quantico, not the J. Edgar Hoover building.),
I went to scrub up and Mulder and Agent Thomson started talking.
(And
said what?)
I
walked into the autopsy bay (I
thought she was already there?)
and was directed to
the right (As
opposed to the left one? Or even a
table?)
gurney, where the
victim lay underneath a white (And
I was hoping for spring pastels.) sheet.
Pulling it off, I was aghast at what I saw at first glance. The eyes were
missing from the sockets and the skin was sagging inwards, as though there was
nothing inside.
(Why
would she be aghast? She’s seen
lots worse on the show. How about
that Mississippi warden, just on the top of my head?
The body of the child she helped Mulder dig up in “Paper Hearts?”)
"Get
Agent Mulder in here, please." I tell the other doctor standing next to me.
(When did he come in? Does he wear a “Me doctor” nametag?)
He heads towards (Stop. Saying.
Towards. The.
Door.)
the door as I walk
over to the other side of the gurney. In (On.
On. Not
“in”. On.)
the right
side of the body was (Were!)
two very large circular puncture marks.
(Nothing like those precise medical
terms.)
I go to turn the body over (This
is a particularly sloppy bit of verb use.) , but
instead of feeling the slight weight of a dead body, (No, no, a dead body isn’t slight.
Does the phrase “dead weight” ring a bell?)
it was more like a skeleton, then muscle and
organs. Grabbing a scalpel I open the body to find... (Now
wait just a second. You didn’t
have “WIP” on this thing. Now I
won’t sleep.)
What'd
y'all think? (I’m
about to tell you what I think. Seventy extra lashes if you don’t live in the
southern U.S., for fraudulent use of “y’all.” I’ll give you “what
d’you think”, but not this usage.) If
you liked it, send feedback to [email protected].
"This
thing chewed somebody's arm off! That's not exactly a DEFENSIVE posture" -
Scully, "The Jersey Devil"
RATINGS
Evilness Rating:
5
This
little screed is not worth the calorie power used to scroll down the screen.
You desperately need a Beta, and a copy of Strunk and White.
Who ARE these people?
I speech goodly:
5
Are
you still in school? Did you even
use a grammar checker, imperfect as they are?
Does everyone shout towards doors in your world, and do they answer?
Gak-o-Tron:
0
No
schmoopiness, but then there’s no middle or ending to this tale, either.
Laziness Quotient:
The
author didn’t bother to look up, or even re-watch, any episodes about the
location of the basement office, the location of the FBI morgue; she didn’t
bother to set up the story; use grammar check; give us a real beginning, much
less a middle and an ending. And
she didn’t post at the summary that it was a WIP.
Even so, one shouldn’t stop in the middle of a sentence. That’s just
corny. And it just doesn’t lend to suspense; she didn’t write enough to
capture our interest, much less get to the spider.
Wildcard
Miss “Dana”: Just because first person POV is used, is no excuse to skip, oh, setting up the first scene by letting us know who is with the speaker, or what kind of day she’s having, or who the hell is talking. I have an idea. Why not write “poems” and post them? God knows no fanfic “poets” seem to have the slightest idea of the difference between good poetry and mindless drivel, but at least most readers won’t bother to scan your efforts. And you should have your keyboard taken away for using the fanfic cliché of Puppy Dog Eyes. Couldn’t work in a reference to the Ice Queen, huh?
