(I...I...I don't know even where to begin.  This may be the funniest piece of poo I've ever ready in my entire life.  I have been laughing off and on for the four days it took me to get through it.  

This is a dense work, Gentle Readers, filled with bizzaro nuance, and should be savored like the Mad Dog 20/20 of the Fanfic world it is.  Reading it was comparable with going to a flea market and finding a black velvet painting of John Kennedy, Elvis and Martin Luther King playing poker with Jesus.  You are just honored to find such a hidden awful thing.  

You won't know these characters, but don't let that stop you. Mulder is like a goat in heat, Scully is anything but herself and the neighbors are a weird lot, as well.  

Read.  Laugh.  Be horrified.  I did all.  You may want to have someone near by.  I wore out my redial button calling people all over the country to read parts of it out loud, it is that notably horrifying.)

KEYWORDS: MSR, Mental and Physical MT, Smut (now all we need is some slash and everyone would be happy!) (It would take more than slash to make the Swiss Witch happy after this.)

SPOILERS: Amor Fati and a slight one from The Sixth Extinction

SUMMARY: After years on the edge, Mulder finally snaps (That's putting it nicely.  Mulder is frickin' insane in this.) 

"I will continue here as long as I can... as long as you are beset by the haunting illness which I saw consume your beautiful mind."

Schizophrenia can be found at the end of this

illness, and I described it

to violent outbursts. I took a little poetic

"Hey Mulder."  His watch went off and he popped two pills in his mouth, gulping them down with some orange juice. (Is Mulder with a man now?  Who is the he the watch belongs to? This is starting off badly. It's even making me construct poor sentences.)

"I gotta go, have fun today. I'll call you later."

"Bye, Scully?"(because there's some question she's leaving or did you mean to say, "Bye.  Scully?".  Well, you didn't and now I'm confused.) he said, then grabbing her wrist quickly (Then thrusting the butter knife in her heart, as the unexplained and certainly unjustified schizophrenia takes him over again, leaving only Claude, Mulder's evil twin.) .

"I love you." She (Now, did Scully or Mulder say I love you?  NEW PARAGRAPH, AUTHOR!!) smiled and kissed him quickly on the lips then ran out the door. Mulder finished his orange juice and went to the back porch. Retirement may not be bad(comma) he thought as he looked down at the seeds and gardening equipment. A row of roses and sunflowers then I'll be done, he thought as he started digging a trail for the seeds. (On the back porch?  What?  Did they have it sodded?)

"Hey Fox, how's it going?" Hugh said waving to him from over the fence. (Ah, it's the friendly neighbor chap, unaware Mulder hates to be called Fox.  Oh, right.  He's schizophrenic.  He may have forgotten that pet peeve during an psychotic episode.)

"I mean(comma) what contributed to your mental breakdown.(question mark) Was it one case that just made you snap(comma) or an overall thing?"

(No, Hugh.  It was meddling neighbors like you.)

"One case, but I really don't feel like discussing it right now Hugh.  (I'm too busy digging up my back porch.) Now if you'll excuse me, I wanted to get these planted before noon."

"Oh well(period) (O)ok, have a good day neighbor." Mulder (Is Mulder calling himself "neighbor"?  He really is insane.  OH...wait.  The author forgot to start a new paragraph.) exhaled heavily and concentrated on planting the seeds (put the dirt on the seed, or put the seed in the dirt?  Think Mulder, THINK!) . Retirement maybe worse than I thought. (This is vague, random and badly written.  And this story is worse than I imagined.)

"Hey Pretty boy where are you?" Scully said (Oh yes.  Scully would call him "Pretty Boy".  And soon, monkeys will fly out of my butt.) laying her briefcase on the couch and looking for Mulder. Where is he? (Tense and POV shift, all in less than five words..  Don't try that at home, kids.  That's only for the very daring.)

"Mulder? Mulder?" He's not in the house, (POV, author, POV!  It's more than a hobby.  For some, it's a way of life.) I don't see him out back, dang it ("Cletis, git the gun, Mulder's gone!") (comma) where is he? Scully ran outside (Remember what I said about POV?  You, dear author, should adopt it as a religion, pray to it at least three time a day,) , she felt her self (or herself?) start to panic.

"Mulder!" She screamed (YOU DUG UP THE BACK PORCH!) as she walked on the back porch.

Scully turned and saw him coming out of David and Laura's house and sighed(comma, this is just wrong without that comma,) relieved  .

Scully rushed him(comma, and kept him from gettin "first down".) hugging him fiercely. (That takes dexterity, rushing and hugging.) 

"Whoa(comma) G-woman(exclamation point, comma, pick one, any one) can't you wait (')till I get in the house?" ( Unless, of course, Scully wants to do it on the lawn.) 

"I thought I'd be back before you,(period, new sentence)(S) sorry I worried you. Here, hot apple pie, (period and she's been hugging him while he's holding a hot apple pie? Oh lawsy, all this bad writing and it's new sentence time, too.)(I) it will go great with the baked chicken and glazed carrots I made. You know I wouldn't be a good house husband if I didn't cook for my princess (ick) or at least have hot take-out waiting for you when you get home." (She knows this?  Is this what all house husbands do?  When did driven Mulder turn into Julia Child?) 

"You're a good house husband Mulder (here's a biscuit.) , but don't' call me princess." (and stop humping my leg.  Wait.  That comes later.)

Mulder put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. (When did they get in the house?  What time is it?  Whoa.  I'm dizzy.) 

(Note:  this next section is so ripe with mistakes and weirdness, I decided to leave it completely alone.  It is so wrong and bad, it has become a twisted thing of beauty and made me laugh so hard, I shot cocoa out my nose.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.)

'You're a good house husband Mulder' Gosh I love her. What I wouldn't' give for her to be mine, that she would let me be her husband.

"No way you schizofreak! You're crazy! What would she want with a crazy freak like you. Dana Scully could have anyone she wanted why would she settle for you?" the voices in his head screamed. Mulder looked at his watch. 11 p.m. I'll take it early, the Thorazine isn't working like it should anymore. I'm beginning to hear the voices again, I probably need a higher dose. He wrote down on the fridge to do board 'Call Doc about increased dosage of Thorazine', then he popped 2 pills and set his watch. He went, showered and changed into his black silk boxers. Tonight I'm going to do it. I'll get Dana Scully to love me

"Seduce her is the word, you loser." A voice said.

(Now wasn't that simply amazing?  The highlight for me was the note on the "to do" board.  I couldn't even speak, I was laughing so hard.)

Let me wait a few more minutes, hopefully the Thorazine keeps them at bay so I can sleep tonight. He heard Scully bustling about in her room and the squeak of her bed springs, it's time. Mulder got up and went to Scully's doorway. Scully heard her door open and a floorboard creak.

"Who's there? Hello? Mulder?" He appeared in her doorway, muscular torso, wash board abs, well toned swimmers legs, skimpy black silk boxers. Scully gave him the eyebrow (Here, you crazy freak.  Here's an eyebrow.  Now get out.) as he started towards her slowly.

"Hundreds of little joys to open a door and have a man beckon you in. To have him make a fire and lay the table for you and when it's late, to feel him take you into his arms." (Oh my god, this could be ad copy for Schlizt Malt Liquor.  Once again, the Great Swiss Witch is overcome with laughter.) Mulder said as he made his way over to a now standing Scully (preparing to leap from the second story window) . He let his fingers lightly trace up her sides to her shoulder where he played with the strap of her nightgown.

He locked eyes with her and saw the question in her eyes, and answered it with a deep kiss. He slanted his mouth over hers (how does one slant their mouth? You can tilt your head, but slanting a mouth?  I've got to go try this...)  and inserted his tongue gently, tasting her. Scully closed her eyes and relaxed into the kiss,(') till she felt his fingers push one of her straps off her shoulder. She pulled away a little and saw the fierce desire in his eyes. Mulder leaned back in and kissed her more urgently and she tangled her hands in his hair, slanting her mouth (I've been in front of the bathroom mirror for a half hour and I still can't figure out this slanting mouth thing) and taking his succulent bottom lip into her mouth(comma) tasting its salty sweetness. She felt Mulder smile and push her other strap off her shoulder, she released him and let the gown slip off her body. Mulder looked at her naked beauty and claimed her mouth again as he gently laid her on her bed.

(The author's writing has improved a teensy bit since the porn began.  INTERESTING.) 

He pulled away a little and let his fingertips travel over her, learn her, pleasure her. (Mulder has some damn talented fingertips.) Mulder kissed her between her breasts then took one of her coral nipples into his mouth, suckling it (like a baby pig? And if that's a coral nipple, OCEA will be here soon to arrest him for polluting a reef.)  gently, teasing it till it was hard and erect. His hands traced lazy circles on her inner thighs, (ok, his mouth is on her breast but both his hands are on her thighs.  This is quite a trick.) teasing her throbbing sex (you should never tease throbbing sexes.  They can turn mean.) as he moved to her other breast. She let out aguttural (what?)  moan/whimper/growl (I guess this is the multiple choice section of the story.. I choose 4:  NONE of the above.) of ecstasy as he played her sensitized skin like a harp.(I have an image of Scully being plucked like a chicken here.  You pluck a harp.)  He released her breast from his mouth and kissed his way to her neck, where he suckled (oh please stop using this word until you know what it means!) and nipped as his hands shakily removed his boxers. She opened her self  (or herself) to him and their eyes met. He claimed her mouth hungrily, linking his fingers with hers. He pulled away and resumed kissing and nipping at her neck as he entered her slowly. He buried himself to the hilt, stopping momentarily to wonder at how he got there (a lot of bad writing and some monkey-like contortions) . How they got to the point where they were finally connected, finally one, then he started to thrust into her gently (ah well, we're connected, let's get back to the fuckin'!). One of his hands tore from hers (ouch) to gently trace along her body as he made love to her. She made delicious little hums (this cracked me up) as he increased the intensity and angle of his thrusts.

"I told you don't call me princess." Scully said (See?  Even Scully doesn't like it.  Now stop.)  gently attacking his neck, nipping it and kissing him just under his chin. He let out a loud moan when she did that and she smiled

"Retired G-man, full-time house husband to you, my beautiful G-woman." He said between thrusts (that's just funny, did he say it all at once, or did he space it out like, "Retired...thrust..G...thrust...man...thrust...comma....and so on?) , kissing there (or their) joined hands, then claiming her lips for his own. (Poor Scully. No eyebrow. Now, no lips.) 

Scully heard a soft beeping and turned toward the sound only to find she couldn't move. She was cradled against something warm and locked in by something equally as warm. She took a deep breath and smelled a familiar scent.

"Mulder?" he emitted a low growl in response (scary, coming from a psychotic man) and the past 4 hours came flooding back to her.

Mulder chuckled softly.

"Your watch is going off." Mulder groaned and rolled out of bed and went to take his meds. He came back minutes later and climbed back behind her, cradling her in his arms again and kissing her behind her ear lovingly.

"I know, I love you too(comma) Mulder." He gave her a light squeeze(period and new paragraph would be helpful) "I know."

Scully rolled out of Mulder's arms reluctantly and went to take a shower. I don't believe that happened last night. Where was my head? What was I thinking? He's far from stable yet, he doesn't need the added stimuli right now, Scully thought (nice of the author to tack in that "Scully thought" so last minute.  The POV switch was threatening to make me urp.). She felt another presence in the shower and turned to see Mulder, the spray hitting him full in the chest. He leaned down and kissed her, picking her up in his arms and lifting (tense, author)her onto his throbbing morning erection. (Well, that's certainly a way to say "good morning".  Many women prefer a cup of coffee and biscotti.  Or some foreplay.)

He leaned her back against the wall and supported her head with one hand while his other supported her hips as he thrust into her hard and fast. They came quickly and he put her down on shaky legs. (Hmm.  Like I said, most women need more foreplay after suddenly being impaled on an erection first thing in the morning, but Scully's a trooper.) 

"Good Morning Sunshine!" he said cheerfully as he lathered up her washcloth and ran it over her, caressing her body.

Scully laughed and kissed him soundly on the lips. (Then slapped him upside the head. Can't hurt him.  He's crazy and he'd never surprise her in the shower again.)

"I love it!" Mulder smiled as he kissed her again.

She felt him getting hard again and pulled away from him, switching the water to cold(period)

"Time for you to cool off G-man." She said closing the shower door behind her (Good for Scully.  He's like a goat in this thing.) .

"What's up with the turtle neck in the middle of June?" Mulder asked coming up behind her quietly in the kitchen, placing a kiss behind her ear.

"Well some one was trying to be come a vampire last night (oh GAK.  Hickey stuff?  GAK.) , plus it's cold in the morgue."

"How do you know I'm not a vampire?" (Who's talking here?) Scully giggled and pushed him away a little when he started to rub against her. (Then, she cautiously dropped a pinch of salt peter in his eggs.)

"Your collar doesn't cover them." Mulder looked confused, then smiled

"Well why would I want to do that? Cover my badge of honor?" (this is SO eighties, hickies aren't a badge of honor for a man in his late 30's.  If they are, he really is insane.) he pulled her back to him, kissing her gently on the lips(period) 

"Something I've wanted for so long. Do you know how long I've wanted to make love to you(comma) Dana? Feel you under me, be inside you, and give you pleasures you never dreamed of?(quotes would be nice.) 

Do you know how long?" (Oh, she tried with the quotes, but it could be Scully talking now.  Regardless, we're still short a quote. I'll call my broker.) Scully blushed and pushed away from him,

"Well no ones been this open with their affection . . I didn't know you . . . how long Mulder?"

"Years, since you were taken and returned that first time."

"All you had to do was ask Mulder. I've been yours for years, since our first case, since I walked into your office."(If either one of them says, "You complete me", I'll barf fine imported chocolate all over my keyboard.  Promise.)  

Mulder smiled and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I will now." Scully blushed again and rushed out the door.

Mulder sighed and sat at the table, sipping his coffee. (Ok, it must have been Scully talking because Mulder's staying.....oh, it's just so confusing.) 

"Man I feel good.(comma, then small "h" on the "He")" He said to himself,(no comma, period) like a weight's been lifted off me(comma) he thought as he looked at his to-do list on the fridge. Call Doc about, oh yeah let me do that now.  (This is just bad writing.  Too many mistakes to even consider at one time.  Not to mention, who is this doctor that would allow a patient to call in and up his own dose of Thorazine over the phone?  The mind reels.  There is only one solution. 

The Swiss Witch is opening the liquor cabinet now.) 

"My who?" Scully said looking up from her paperwork at the receptionist. (And who's this receptionist?  Is she on "The X-Files"?  They don't have a secretary, they're field agents.) 

"What do you want(comma) besides stoking the gossip fires?" 

"Could you pick up my new prescription of Thorazine from the pharmacy." (Question mark, god, this is a punctuation nightmare!) 

"No the doc upped the dosage (because I told him to!  I love this new doctor!) the . . .the voices are back." (Maybe it was just those nosy neighbor's radio, Mulder?  Ever think of that?)

"I'm hanging up Mulder, bye." Scully smiled as she hung up.

"Mulder? He' s better, he hasn't had any psychotic breaks again so that's good."

Scully walked out of the pharmacy when her cellphone rang

"Well(comma) it's Fox. He's been walking up and down the street for the past few minutes (comma) screaming and howling something god awful. I don't'(Strange, now there's too much punctuation.  Maybe the author is trying to make up for not using any earlier.)  know if he's hurt or if it's his illness, but his arms are all bloody and he won't let anyone get near him." (I think neighbor or not, I'd be calling the police, Hugh, instead of holding a box social to watch that nutty Mulder.  Sheesh.) 

"Ok(comma) don't try to approach him but make sure he doesn't hurt himself.  I'll be there in less than ten minutes. Thanks Hugh." God I should have known it would happen soon (quotes or a period or even a constant POV somewhere would be lovely, oh and by the way, don't capitalize this upcoming "s" on "she")  She (Darn.  You did it anyway.) thought as she got in the car and sped off. (thought what? Oh, we see through a glass darkly in this piece.)

She pulled onto the street and saw her neighbors in a loose semi circle moving slowly around Mulder (because EVERYONE wants to be near a crazy man!  Crazy people are fun!) . Scully stopped the car and got out as Mulder gripped his hair and let out a heart wrenching scream and collapsed on the ground.

"Mulder? Mulder? It's me(comma) Scully. It's okay(comma or period.  I'd even take a semi-colon at this point) I' m here." Scully said(comma) hovering over him(period.  She's hovering again?  I hate it when Scully defies gravity.) He unclenched his eyes (ouch) and turned to focus on her. She surveyed the damage. Cuts on his arms, not too deep, no stitches needed.

"Hey, you okay(question mark, they look like this: ?) (capital C, start a new sentence.) come on take my hand, you're in the middle of the street(comma) babe."

"Ok, come on I got my gun, you'll be safe with me(well there were a lot of correctly placed commas, but she missed the last one.) okay? Come on(comma) now your(Start a new sentence and try "you're", contraction for you are) too heavy for me to pick up." Scully said reaching her hand out for him. He shakily grabbed it and stood up. His eyes were darting back and forth in his head and his head twitched slightly(period and creepy.)

"Come on, in the car." Once he was in the car, she turned to her neighbors. (Ok, she puts him in the car when he's outside his house?  Wouldn't it be easier to just go inside? Oh, right.  That would make sense. Silly me.  After all this, I still want to believe.) 

"It's okay glad we could help. Hope he feels better." (Fictional neighbors just wouldn't be this understanding of a roaming psychotic.  Heck, Mother Teresa, rest her soul, couldn't be this understanding of a roaming psychotic.) 

Scully eased Mulder out of the car, grabbing his meds and led him into the house. She looked though the house and declared it all clear. 

"Come on(comma) Mulder(comma) lets(let's, once again CONTRACTIONS!)  get you cleaned up." She ran him a hot bath and let him soak in it for a few minutes. She washed the blood off his arms, neck and face till the water turned red(comma)  then helped him out and dried him off, bandaging his arms. She eased him into his bed and pulled the covers around him and opened his new bottle of Thorazine and gave them to him. He gulped them down (Mulder loves that yummy, yummy Thorazine!  Mmm mmm good! ) and exhaled heavily.

"There(comma) you get some rest. I'll order Chinese and we can veg out in front of the TV when you wake up(comma) ok?" Mulder nodded,(period) (A) a tear slipped out of his eye.

"Ah Baby(No caps and put a comma in here, Princess, if that's you talking) don't cry." He crumpled (In bed?  He crumpled?  How do you crumple lying down?)  and started to sob harder.

"I was doing so well, I felt normal again(period, new sentence.) (T) then it happened. I'm so sorry(comma, oh this grows old) Scully(period) I'm sorry I disappointed you."

"You could never disappoint me(comma, yawn) Mulder, it was just a lapse (')cause of (no "of") your meds weren't right, it's ok. (Good thing you called in your own prescription and that hack filled it!  Now I can keep you sedated for weeks!) Now get some rest and calm down." Scully said(comma) kissing his forehead and closing his door quietly.

Mulder came quietly behind Scully and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on her neck gently.

"Mulder, your finally awake." She turned and kissed him full on the mouth. Vera walked onto their back porch with a bowl of fried apples. She had wanted to come by earlier but Hugh said they probably needed time to stabilize. She smiled as she watched them exchange a passionate kiss. Well I guess things are back to normal, they are such a cute couple, I wonder how long they've been married. Scully turned around and took the omelet off the eye when she felt Mulder's hands sneak up her gown.

"Mulder? What are you . . ." She was stopped by 9 inches of Mulder entering her from behind. Vera's mouth dropped open as she watched Mulder drop his pajama bottoms and enter his wife from behind. Definitely newly weds, she thought as she continued watching mesmerized. Mulder thrust into her slowly at first then, building to a fever pitch. He balanced himself against the cabinets and thrust into her harder, lifting Sully off the ground with each thrust. Mulder grunted loudly with effort and Scully moaned loudly as her climax started. Vera scurried away from the back porch and made her way around to the front door. That's what you get going around the back way, got an eyeful didn't you. Mulder showered her with kisses as he pulled out of her. "Gosh your messy." Scully said as she turned towards him.

"Sorry." Mulder said staring at the puddle of semen on the kitchen floor.

"It's okay, nothing a bounty paper towel can't get up." She said ripping a paper towel off the roll and gently wiping him off. Mulder smiled at Scully and moved in for a kiss when the door bell rang.

"I'll clean up, you get the door Mulder." Mulder pulled up his pajamas and tied them as he opened the door.

"Yes, much thank you." I'll bet you are, Vera thought as she observed the signs of post coital satisfaction on Mulder's face.

" I made some extra fried apples, I thought you and Dana would like them."

"Yes thank you, come on it, we were just having breakfast." Oh so that's what you called that, Vera thought as she responded

Mulder traced little circles along Scully's naked side and sighed longingly.

"I think the extra stimuli affects your condition and . . ."(I can barely walk.)

"NO, I refuse to stop this Scully." He said pulling her closer to him. (Run Scully ruuuun!)

"I won't end the best thing that's ever happened in my life. Look I'll ask my doctor okay? Scully? Dana? Please." Scully turned and looked into his eyes. They darted back and forth unconsciously. His doctor said they'd do that, it was a side effect of his medicine. He's Schizo, (but what the hell, he can still bone me.)  Scully thought, you saw him just a few days ago during a psychotic break. What if it happened again? Will the neighbors always be this understanding?(Not in my neighborhood, Damacia.) What about my family? Mom knew, but Bill and Charlie? (Yes.  The first time he throws one of them up against a wall, it's all over.) She looked back into his eyes, a tear coming out of one (Of what?  His eyes, her eyes?  Where? Someone get me a map) and falling down his distinguished profile. Ah who cares what they think! It's my life, I can live it with who ever I choose. (Quotes, POV shift warning tape?  Anything?) 

"Okay Mulder, ok." (Because Scully's sex drive always rules supreme over her good sense.) He exhaled heavily and kissed her rubbing against her slightly. 

"But you've really got to work on your overactive libido."

"I'll let you work on that ok?" (OH PLEASE HIT THE ENTER BUTTON! WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S TALKING OTHERWISE!) Scully laughed and kissed him again as Mulder rolled her gently onto her back(period).

(Swiss Witch really is going to buy Scully some KY-Jelly and a whole bag of salt peter.  A little on a bowl of popcorn, I promise he'll never notice the taste.)

"Okay any abnormal things happening besides the eyes(comma) Mulder?" (Nah.  Just this constant need to boink anything that moves, but that's not important.) 

"I get really tired in the middle of the day, like I can't make it through the day with out a nap." (All that shagging makes Mulder a tired boy.) 

"That's one of the side effects of the Thorazine, just make sure you take a nap when you're tired."

"If I . . . I'm . . . Ok I'm in a serious relationship with someone at the moment and I was wondering if sex would affect my dosage any. I haven't read anything that says that it will."

"No it shouldn't, though it may decrease your sexual drive some." (oh my god.)

"Who is she? The red head who brings you in most of the time, (I just had to note, there's a comma in the right place.  Wow.) Dr. Scully?"

"Nice woman, (I think we both should load up on Thorazine and ambush her on your next appointment!)I think it would be best though if your not already, you shouldn't get married right now or basically anytime soon." (WHAT?!)

"Well(comma) right now till your completely stabilized, any added stress is going to make you susceptible to a psychotic break. Your feeling good, yes and you are better, but your not stable yet."

"Look, I understand, it's just I want you as mentally healthy as possible before we add anymore things to your plate."

"Yeah I know, Thanks Doc, oh one more thing. Can you call over to CVS, they seem to be having a problem refilling my Thorazine." (They've probably run out.) 

"Sure I'll get on that right now, have a nice day."  (I wish I knew this physician's name.  I'd report him to the AMA for shoddy practice.)

"Mulder?,(now there's too much punctuation, thank god we're near the end.)  Mulder?" Where is he(comma, quotes) Scully thought(comma) as She(random capitalization, I just don't understand how this can happen so out of the blue) came into the house.

He was sprawled across the bed snoring softly. Another side affect of the Thorazine, he gets really tired. (Does Scully have inner voices now that tell her these things about Mulder's condition?)

"Hey(comma)  wake up Mulder, I got you a present." Mulder opened his eyes and focused on Scully.

"Hey(comma) come on(comma) get up." (Oh don't say "get up" to this Mulder, Scully!  You'll be sooooorrrry!) Mulder got up slowly and went to the bathroom. Scully waited for him in the kitchen.

"What, what's the surprise?" She pointed out in the yard and Mulder smiled(period, sigh)

"Yep! 1 and 1/2 years old, trained and everything, could you believe I found her at the pound."(Question Marks look like this: ?)

Mulder stepped outside and the dog ran to him, eyeing him strangely at first (wary of the 9 inch rod in his pants, knowing it was only a matter of time until Scully's back was turned,)  then wagging (choose a tense, any tense) her tail.

"Good choice. Let me get her stuff out of the car."

Mulder nuzzled Scully's neck gently with his nose and kissed her as they rock back and forth on there porch swing.

"He said it was alright (all right, even), but not to even think about getting married soon."

"Well yeah, all the stress would do you nothing but harm." (Scully's not even surprised about this marriage thing?  Oh, right.  All that slamming around probably has her a little off guard.) 

"Oh(comma) and he said the Thorazine should decrease my sex drive not increase it."(If I were Scully, I'd run that porch and screaming into the night.)

"That's what I said." Mulder said kissing her hungrily on the mouth and pulling her closer to him

"Don't start." Mulder followed her inside and pinned her against the kitchen counter.

"Yes, you can." Scully said pushing him off her and running to the bedroom (this is just horrifying). Mulder followed quickly catching up with her and pinning her against the hallway wall. (Oh.  Oh oh dear.)

"Mulder! You are determined to do this standing up, aren't you?"

"I almost came running after you (What?  Who ran?  Who came?  Does she mean he almost came running after her or does she mean he almost CAME, running after her?  A comma, a comma my kingdom for a comma!) . God(comma) I love you." (And those words make all of this weirdness all right.  I am shuddering.  Are you, Gentle Reader?)

He said capturing her mouth with his and frantically undoing his pants. Scully pushed down her pants and wrapped her legs around his waist as he entered her quickly. He grunted loudly (this is like the third time he's done this and it's been thoroughly unattractive each time he has,) as he buried himself in to the hilt with one thrust. (Yee.) He thrust into her hard and fast, almost finding release when the phone rang.

"Ignore it." Scully said(comma, and why ignore it?  Because she's having such a good time?  I think not.)  (')till the answering machine picked up and She (RANDOM capiTaLizaTion) heard her mom's voice.

"Dana? Hey it's mom I had some good news I wanted to tell you."

"Put me down Mulder." (I always stop fucking for Mom!) Mulder put her down and pulled out of her with a groan. She kissed him quickly

"Meet me in the bedroom, it won't take long." She ran to pick up the phone

"Dana, hey, why are you out of breath?" Mulder and me (I, and quotes, and this is just not right.)were in the middle of some wild sex, she thought as she said. (She thought, she said?  She was, she cried?) 

"Oh(comma) well(comma) Charlie and his crew are in town and I thought since you have a house now(comma) they could stay with me for a while (what does this have to do with Scully's owning a house?)  then we all come down (or could come down) and give you a nice housewarming present."

"Well that's great mom . . . oomph!" Scully groaned when she felt 9 inches of Mulder take her from behind. (OH STOP ALREADY!) "Mom hold on. Mulder!" Mulder had his eyes closed, his head thrown back, thrusting into her wildly.  (To quote the Great Witch of the Yukon:  "No.")

"Mom(comma) hey(comma) sorry(somebody should be),(period) (Y)yeah(comma) that would be fine. I'll make sure . . mmmmmm . . . Mulder makes something . . . oh . . nice. You know (M)mom(comma) that man can cook!" Her mom laughed(period)  (The rest of us cried.) 

"Mom(comma) hold on (Hold on?  Hang up!). Mulder(comma) will you stop it." (Um, this isn't a dog humping your leg.  This is a six foot man slamming you while you're on the phone.  I don't think a "stop it" at this point is going to work.) Mulder groaned loudly and Scully slapped her hand over the receiver. "Mulder stop go!"(ha hah ah ha ha!  I have no idea what that meant, but it sure was funny.)  Mulder thrust into her hard a few more times and came hard and loud (yuck), slumping a little(comma)  kissing her shoulder gently (which he might have considered doing before he put that nine-inch ramrod of steel up her hooey.  Sheesh.  Oh and period, Damacia.  Period.)

"I love you Scully." (This does not make all this humping all right!) He whispered in her shoulder, kissing her again, rubbing against her leg. (Oh my god, he really is humping her leg.  Once again:  oh my god.)

"Ok(comma) let me go(period)(M) mom, yeah, talk with you then(comma)(M) mom(period)(B) bye." She turned quickly to face Mulder (and hit him with a blunt object, hopefully), only to be pushed down on the couch and taken for another round of love making.

(No.  No.  Make it stop.

Oh.  It did.   Whew.  I'm going to need therapy after this.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ratings

5

A five in everything except, Death to Clones, which gets

4

  I've never seen a story quite like this.  I don't think anyone else has been daring enough to try it, up until this point.    I hope no one ever tries again.

Witches' Wild Card

Punctuation is not optional.

Understand human physiology.  Mulder is almost 40. (See the Wicked Witch of the Midwest's

Bones of Contention.)  

In closing, I can only only quote this Sully, uh, Scully while on the phone with her mother,

"Oomph."