A note from the web witch: There is no way to properly format this story to show correct line breaks because there's no way to tell where they are.
(I don’t know why I do this to myself, sometimes. But it’s like a sideshow full of freaks and I just MUST look.)
The Ritter Files
by Mulderslady
File Ten: Little Tiger
(Knowing what I know of this author’s work. I shudder to imagine what little tiger refers to.)
DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, wish they did. Only
Nick, Skyler, Mark, Jackie, Tiger, Van and Colton James Ritter a.k.a.
CJ do. (And a sicker, more twisted lot you won’t find outside a David Lynch film.)
RATING: Pg-13 to R
CLASSIFICATION: S, A, M/O, MOR, POV
KEYWORDS: Mulder and CJ angst, M/O, MOR, POV
SPOILERS: None (Because this bears no resemblance to the TV show, the X-Files.)
URL: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Capsule/5160/ritterfiles.html
FEEDBACK: Please!!! at [email protected]
ARCHIVE: Oh yeah, anywhere!! (Well, you’re HERE again, if that means anything.)
SUMMARY: CJ Ritter meets her match in the person she least
expects it. CJ tries to make up for not trusting Mulder with a special gift of
her own. Part of The Ritter Files series
(The errors in the summary are a poem in themselves. Count and savor the mistakes here. Each sentence is a new thrill of awfulness.)
***********************%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
They say that we don't have a chance
We're victims of unjust romance (Truer words were NEVER spoken about all of this author’s stories.)
But they couldn't see the truth in their hands
We don't have to live like they do
We'll run away if we have to
And we'll start a life that's shining and new
It's Your life by Lenny Kravitz
(Wow. Marvel at the lameness of the lyrics above. And how does romance rhyme with hands, anyway? Someone get Mr. Kravitz a rhyming dictionary.)
***********************%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
(What is up with the asterisks turning into Percent signs?)
Mulder got out of the car holding the door open for CJ, then running And opening the door for her mom, and popping the trunk. (Oh, my head hurts already. WWMW
breaks out the Jack Daniels and takes a shot.) He reached into Pull out the bags when her dad stopped him. (in to – pull)
"I got it from here son. (comma) You got an injured hand, rest." (For those English speakers among us, “You have an injured hand. Rest.”)
"Ok thank you (, S) sir.(,)" Mulder said stepping back. (I KNOW I posted quotation rules before. Look at them again, now.)
"Didn't hurt much.(comma, seeing the sentence isn’t over)" CJ teased
"Well it didn't, I didn't think it was broken, just sprained."
"You left a dent in the wall (comma) Tiger." CJ said gently, linking her
fingers with the ones in the cast as they headed to the airport. (Wait, the fingers in the cast are heading to the airport? Alone? WWMW takes another shot of Jack. WWMW shudders to imagine how this sprain happened.)
"Finally they're gone." Mulder said with a smile as they headed back
to thecar.
"Yes! Now to get you all cuted up."
"Cuted? Is that a word?"
"It is now." Mulder smiled, handing her the keys to the Jag, opening
her door for her. (Yes. Damacia invents her own language. Just like Shakespeare.)
"Where to?"
"Well, since you're in a cast, you need a manicure, then a haircut for
you, then shopping for you. You need some new sweaters and I saw these
sneakers that would . . ." (Mulder’s idea of a day of shopping fun, I bet.)
"It's almost August (comma) CJ."
"The best time to stock up on sweaters, they're like extra cheap. (Thanks for the observation, CJ.) Then get you some new shirts and new Speedo or two to swim in, maybe another red one, then I'm getting you a present." (Was this shopping list necessary?)
"What kind of . . ."
"A surprise."
"Ok what ever." (whatever,) CJ ruffled his hair and smiled at him.
"Is it a good one?" He said putting his hand on her thigh, rubbing in
circles gently. (Where is Scully? When will she arrive with gun ablazin’ or using some of her amazing Kung Fu skills as evidenced in “Kill Switch” and free us all from this fearful hallucination?)
"Yeah a good one, stop or I'm going to crash this thing." He moved his
hand slowly from her leg to cover her hand on the gearshift. (Because that’s so much safer when driving.)
"GOD, you have a one track mind!"
"Pull over and I'll show you how one track it is."
"Oh I love it when you talk dirty, but you're just going to have to
wait." (That was dirty? I grow more confused by the minute. Maybe it’s the Jack.)
That Night
(Because description is so time-consuming and unnecessary in fiction.)
"When you said surprise I thought accepting my proposal or something,
not a dog." (Where are we? Who is talking? What is happening? When is this other than “That Night” and how long has it been since the previous scene? How much have I been drinking?)
"A Lhasa apso Mulder." (Apso.)
"Whatever."
"It's a 400 dollar difference." (comma? Pretty please?) CJ teased as she closed the door.
"OOOHHHHHH look at the baby!" Skyler cooed at the puppy. (Skyler’s there? But isn’t he dead because he couldn’t accept that he was gay and killed himself and… and… where am I? What universe is this? Isn’t there some TV show called “The X-Files” about Mulder and his partner, Scully, and conspiracies and stuff?)
"He's six months old (comma) Sky." (And aren’t ghosts supposed to know things like that?)
"Neutered?" (Yes, like you now you’re dead.)
"Freshly." CJ said quickly (Comma, period, some clue about punctuation would be nice.)
"OH my! Took your man hood too! Whatcha naming him (comma) Tiger?" (What is a “man hood”? Something you put on a man to keep him from being startled when pulling a cart or something?)
"Well I was thinking (comma) Tiger." Mulder said, smiling at the dog, which
nuzzled into him with a soft growl. (No! No! They’re going to have sex with the dog! I KNOW IT! WWMW nearly spills her bottle of Jack frantically taking another shot to steel her nerves.)
"Or Fox Jr."
"NO!" Skyler and Mulder said at the same time. (So, apparently, CJ must have said the other thing.)
"Well, we'll have to call him Tiger JR or something cause your daddy's
Tiger." Skyler said bringing in more bags, (Where are these people standing? What is happening here? Who is inside the room? Who is outside the room? Who brought the groceries? Who brought the dog? What the hell is going on?) "Man she spoiled you today, maybe I should break my hand."
"Only works for momma's Tiger cause he deserves it. So we decided on
Tiger as his name?" CJ asked Mulder as she closed the door. (Who is Tiger, here? I am still confused.)
"Yeah, we need to get some rubber bands though so we can get some of
this hair out of his eyes, how can he see!" (Mulder? His hair is long?)
Mulder relaxed into the tub and sighed heavily, opening his eyes when
he felt the water rise. (What tub? Is it in the hallway? What room is this? Where are we? Someone help. Please.) He stared into CJ's green eyes (rude) and smiled (End punctuation is good.)
"Hey (comma) hon."
"Fox.(comma)" She purred
"Yeah (comma) baby?"
"Nothing (period G) getting used to saying it. (comma)" Mulder chuckled slightly (period)
"I love how your laugh rumbles in your chest." (New paragraph) He smiled and held her close to him. She turned in his arms and settled against his chest. (Wait, if he was holding her close to him, wasn’t she already against his chest? No. Wait. This is land of bizarro positioning, so who knows? Maybe she was over his head.)
"Mulder, what would you want our first child to be, girl or boy?"
"Girl, definitely a girl we'd name her either Jade, Jacari, Brennan, or
Kalen."
"Really?"
"Depends on their eye color."
"OH REALLY?"
"Dark blue Kalen, Hazel Brennan, green Jade, Brown Jacari."
"You have it all figured out, what if we had a boy?"
"Shae, Shane, Jayson, or Zane Jay."
"Zane Jay?"
(Mulder is an uptight white boy from the Vineyard, ok? The mind boggles at this. Isn’t there this show? It’s called “The X-Files”. It’s about people who work for the FBI and are concerned with investigating crimes and uncovering conspiracies, not naming dogs and babies in culturally inappropriate ways.)
"Something me and Sky agreed on. (Wow, there’s some good English.) When we had kids, I'd name a boy Zane Jay and he'd name his Foxy Jay." CJ snort laughed. (Yeah, I snort laugh at those names, too. Isn’t Foxy Jay that cool pimp who works with Huggy Bear?)
"Zane Jay is cute (comma) though, still depends on eyes?" (A sentence would be nice here. Or anywhere.)
"Hair." CJ sighed. (I give up on the punctuation errors.)
"Why all the baby questions (. S) something I need to know?" Mulder asked
fidgeting nervously. (In the tub, with the woman, apparently.)
"No I'm on Depo and I get my shot religiously every 3 months, on time
down to the minute. I'm too screwed up to be somebody's mom." ( I am scared by this.)
"That's why we got a dog."
"Yes! If you do well with Tiger, I may think about a child."
"Or at least another dog. No way I'd think of having a kid if we're
not married." (Wow, Mulder’s so noble.)
"Ah, but we have sex before were married."
"Hey (comma) that's something totally different."
"No it's not. Same thing Foxy baby." (How so, CJ? Please explain this strange philosophy of yours.)
"Hmmm I like that."
"Foxy baby."
"RROOWWWWLLL." CJ laughed, leaning into him as he picked up his
washcloth and moving it over her skin gently. (Verb issues. I need another drink.)
"I couldn't imagine dating someone like you and not sleeping with you." (Because you’re dirty and only “nice” people are dated and not slept with.)
"Why?" His hands replaced the cloth as they slowly seduced her. (Replaced it, where? How do hands seduce? Explain.)
"God, you had to ask. My body responds to you like we were made for
each other. I hear your voice and I'm hard. (Mulder’s talking here? When was this? Who was saying those things before? Am I hallucinating? What’s going on?) When you touch me, I have to will myself not to come." She felt his growing need, stir under her as his hands moved to her waist.
"Being inside you is like magic, I can't think or speak . . ." He moved to enter her and she stood up. (Is she going to wander off?) He opened his eyes and looked at her curiously. (When did he close them? What is happening?)
She threw him a mysterious smile and headed out of the bathroom with a
giggle. He smiled, getting out of the tub and following her quickly.
Next morning
(Because, again, explanation would only hinder plot development.)
Mulder curled into CJ more, cherishing the feel of her skin next to
his. (The curling into thing is creeping me out.) He looked at the clock on the wall and sighed (period)
"Time to walk Tiger." He murmured, quirking an eyebrow when the dog in
question jumped on the bed laying on Mulder's chest. (Oh, I can’t even correct this without rewriting.)
"Um Tiger . . ."
"I already walked him, thought you'd be tired after last night(‘)s
activities."
Skyler said smiling at them. (Skyler’s in the room? This is so creepy, it’s like the Angelina Jolie Family Fun Hour. How do ghosts walk dogs?) Mulder rolled his eyes and snuggled into His (The Lord is there, too?) pillow as CJ got up. He gently ruffled Tiger(‘)s fur making the dog purr. (Dogs don’t purr. Or maybe they do in this sick universe.)
"Where you off to (comma) baby?"
"Teacher work day. I'll be back about 1." (Who is a teacher? CJ? You mean, she’s too screwed up to have kids but she’s teaching the youth of America? Right on!)
"K." CJ went into the bathroom shutting the door as Skyler climbed
into bed with Mulder. (Aiiiieeeeeeee! Aiiiiieeeeee!)
"Hey."
"Hey Sky." Mulder said with a smile. Skyler cuddled into him, shutting
his eyes a few moments and sighing. (And most heterosexual guys would be really ok with THIS.)
"You know, you have a nice butt." He said with a smile (Punctuation?)
"Skyler?"
"What?"
"Get out of my bed."
"DAMN!"
"CJ would throttle you if you tried." Tiger rolled off Mulder's chest
and curled up into CJ's vacant space. (Wait, wasn’t Skyler just doing something? What is happening? Aren’t Skyler and Mulder lovers? I can’t keep up. And the astounding lack of exposition doesn’t help.)
"Hey Tiger." The dog locked eyes with him and smiled as he snuggled
into Mulder's side. (Snuggling into someone’s side is creepy. And locking eyes with a dog makes them attack.)
"How's daddy's big boy? I'm going to take you to the club with me this
afternoon, you'll love it." (Club? Does Mulder golf? Aieeeeeee.)
"Showing him his empire?" CJ teased. (Wasn’t she gone?)
"Of course, coming tonight??" (He wonders a LOT so there needs to be two question marks.)
"Yeah."
"Great, I'll get to see your back off glance in action." (Huh?)
(I don’t understand. I don’t think anyone else does, either. Why is this posted? Why do I keep looking? Is there a support group for this? DRA, or Damacia Readers Anonymous. “Hi, I’m the Wicked Witch of the Midwest, and I’m a Damacia Johnson reader.” “Welcome, Wicked Witch of the Midwest.” Aiiiieeee.)
Evilness
Rating
5
It’s so incoherent that its evil is actually somewhat dissipated and rendered moot. But it’s still evil.
Who
Are These People
5
Your guess is as good as mine. But are they even people? That’s what I really wonder. Perhaps they’re mice dreaming that they’re men.
I
speche goodly
4
Not as bad as a non-native English speaker but she needs to fix her non-standard usage.
I
R a goode speler
3
She ran spell check. It’s more than a lot of folks do.
Gak-o-tron
5
I gakked throughout when I wasn’t drinking. The scenes of intimacy are just so weird and creepy as well as being cloying.
Laziness
Quotient
3
It’s wildly creative, actually. Bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the TV show, the X-Files. However, her absolute refusal to include coherent description is very lazy indeed.
Mary
Sue Quotient
3
Well, we know what names she likes for kids.
Death to Clones
0
There’s no one like Damacia. Fortunately.
And
Your Point Was…
5
A point I’ve pondered whenever I’ve read one of Damacia’s stories. If you don’t want to write about the X-Files. Don’t. Write original fiction. You obviously have something to say. Create your own characters. These things you keep sending to the lists are NOTHING LIKE the X-Files, anyway. They are about original characters created by Damacia.
General
Evil Ranking
and beyond.
Infinity
It’s bad beyond all measure of badness. It’s not even coherent.
Wildcard
Someday she’s going to write something with NO DESCRIPTION AT ALL and we’ll never know who is talking, or who is in the room or out of it, or where the characters are, or what is happening. Oh, wait. That all happened in THIS story. She is getting progressively worse about this instead of better. None of this makes ANY sense other than the fact that someone acquired an inbred dog. What does it have to do with the X-Files, anyway? It shouldn’t be allowed on the lists. Just because a character is named Mulder doesn’t make it an X-Files story. I could write a story containing a character named Mr. Darcy and it wouldn’t be “Pride and Prejudice”, either.
Someone
stop her. List Moms help!
Please. Before she posts again.
