Mulder stepped from the steamy shower onto the bath mat and reached for his towel. As he began to dry his hair (COMMA) the sound of something coming from the bedroom caught his attention (The something coming from the bedroom was in fact a serial killer, bent on destroying unfamiliar characterizations of Mulder and Scully. He approached Mulder and plunged a large knife into his heart, killing him. The end.). It was a buzzing sound not unlike his electric shaver. Scully. What a sneaky little thing he thought to himself. (set off the thought in quotes) He was still adjusting to this whole situation. Being returned after two months to find that the short relationship they had started had made a baby(, Mulder decided to finish the sentence fragment with a clause that had nothing to do with the sound of Scully's vibrator.) His son. He was still trying to get used to the fact that this was really happening. (Okay so first it's the vibrator, then it's the return from captivity and the impending bundle o' joy. Got it.) Of course he knew what the buzzing sound was. (Wait...we're back to the vibrator? Yukon is getting dizzy.) Scully was in her second trimester and was completely insatiable. (Try a new paragraph at some point[s], author!) They made love every night... some afternoons. (That was awkward. Why not just write out a simple sentence as a simple sentence? "They made love every night, and some afternoons.") Still it wasn't enough. He was proud of himself though so far for being able to keep up with her...not too bad for a forty year old man. (Too many ellipses already. If it's two sentences, make it two sentences. Don't get all artsy on us in unnecessary places.) (PARAGRAPH) When he was first returned they had decided to take things slow. He was weak and this was so much to adjust to. (This what? All you talk about is the sex. Surely you meant to imply more than that.) It didn't last very long... a week after he came home from the hospital they made love again. Since then he thought he had joined some bizarre sexual boot camp. (That's cute. One point.) He wasn't really complaining... they had seven years of celibacy to make up for. His towel wrapped firmly around his waist (comma) he quietly opened the bathroom door and peered out into his bedroom. Oh my God. (Set off this thought. Yukon will explain why.
Point of View
If you use the third person omniscient as your point of view character, you must remember that everything the reader experiences is filtered through that incorporeal voice. Now, it's possible (and usual) to write in the third person, but to have the actual feelings and thoughts routed firmly through only one individual. This appears to be what you've intended. However, since it's not in first person, you must pay attention to the slight distance created by the use of the third person. This means that if you're going to have your ostensible first person narrator engage in an internal monologue (communicating through the use of a third person voice), that thought must be set off as the actual verbal thoughts of the character, just like spoken dialogue. Quotation marks are most commonly used for this purpose.
To use the above writing as an example, it should appear as:
His towel wrapped firmly around his waist, he quietly opened the bathroom door and peered out into his bedroom. "Oh my God," he thought.
See how much clearer that is?
Fanfiction and some fiction authors also play around with different punctuation and special characters to offset internal monologue. Since the thought derives technically from someone other than the POV voice, the thought belongs in a separate paragraph. In this case, you could have also done this:
His towel wrapped firmly around his waist, he quietly opened the bathroom door and peered out into his bedroom.
=Oh my God.=
Carets <>, square [ ] or curly parentheses { }, or vertical slashes | can also offset internal monologue. Please note that diagonal slashes [both directions] shouldn't be used for emailed fanfiction, in that many email programs convert anything with slashes into URLs. Additionally, asterisks have become traditional replacements for boldface type. Try using Microsoft Word sometime - if you have autoformatting activated - and see what happens when you physically type in asterisks immediately before and after a word. Always remember your medium and your audience. Make reading easy for them by doing your homework before you post.
Now let's get back to this ridiculously long paragraph, still in progress.)
She was beautiful. The covers were completely thrown off of her. Her legs parted just enough to make room for her hand that held the vibrator. (Is this supposed to be sexy? Because right now it's reading like the user manual for a toaster oven.) Her other hand was alternating between rubbing her swollen nipples and sliding up and down the swell of her five month pregnant stomach. (Yukon gazes heavenward and holds her one long paragraph nauseated stomach.) Her eyes were tightly shut and her head was off to one side. (For the sake of Pete, author, tell us something! All you're doing now is giving an objective list of actions. Doesn't anything they're doing feel a specific way? Doesn't it make them think of something, anything at all? Why bother to write smut if you're only going to gloss over the mechanics of it?) Over the buzzing sound of the vibrator he could hear her making little moaning noises. (Little moaning noises. How erotic. In no way at all.) He was sure any day now he was going to get a resignation letter from his tired, confused penis. (That's cute. Two points.) Hopefully not until tomorrow. He slowly approached the bed, careful not to make a sound so she wouldn't open her eyes. He got on his knees and slid up the end of the bed. Before she could realize what was going on (COMMA) he dipped his tongue into her below where the vibrator was whirling. (If you were to tell us what kind of vibrator it was, and how she was using it, we might have a better idea of what he was doing. If the vibrator in question is any larger than one of those little finger-strap toys, there's no way there would be room for him to simply slide on in and join her in the fun, especially without her noticing. As the author, can you see how just a little bit of extra description could have made this both more understandable for the reader and more enjoyable? If you're writing smut, author, you're writing it for entertainment value. So - for cryin' out loud - entertain us.) Her eyes darted open and she stared down at him.
"Oh God... Mulder... ahhhh(comma)" she panted out her surprise. (This is bad. Either make it two sentences or fix the second clause.)
He put his hands on the inside of her thighs to part her legs farther. (Gosh. This is so sexy, I can hardly wait to see what happens next.)
"Keep going baby... I am just here to help." (Oh, a mischaracterization happens next. Granted, we've never seen Mulder and Scully having sex, but we need to assume they'd be remotely like themselves, even when aroused. Yukon will attempt to ignore Brazen!Vibrator-Wielding!Scully as well, in favor of a dissection of the dull smut. Mulder's spoken "I am" is also more than just a little pretentious.)
She nodded her head and increased the pressure of the vibrator... (Enough ellipses. Use a comma here.) twisting her head from side to side. He could tell she was close...he'd made it just in time. (No. Either a period or a semicolon. Look, author, ellipses serve as either a pause or a replacement for deleted text. In most cases in this story, you appear to be using them as some kind of stylistic crutch. Pauses should be dramatic, and that drama comes from their relative rareness. If you overuse a dramatic device, it becomes melodrama. Get the point?) The moaning increased as she climaxed and he continued a circular motion around her vagina with his tongue. (Dull. Clinical. Borderline icky.) When her orgasm passed she quickly removed the vibrator from her over sensitive skin and dropped it next to her on the bed. (And how did she react to the orgasm, the literal "climax" of a sexual experience? Oh, not at all, I see.) As he licked he reached over to turn it off for her. He knew that as long as he didn't touch her clit with his tongue it felt good... soothing. She recovered from her climax and peered down at him with a giggle.
"You scared me... I thought I could finish before you got out of the shower... if not I figured you would enjoy the view." (Yukon will resist...not give in to the bad characterization...not comment about the unlikelihood of Scully's becoming a shameless exhibitionist...must...resist...must...use...more...unnecessary...ellipses...)
Mulder gave her pussy (ICK) one last kiss and moved up her body. At this point he had a full erection from watching her. (Yeah, and? Okay, author. Pay attention now.
Sex is not about bodies. Sex is about people.
What's the fun of reading about some random tongue and some random vagina? Without the person, the personality, and the feelings behind the actions, written sex is empty and dull. It's mechanical. It can even end up vaguely icky. An author writes erotica with the purpose of titillating the reader. The author does it to give the reader a vicarious thrill. You can't accomplish that when you treat sex as a series of disconnected actions performed by disconnected people.
This is what you've written. Pure mechanics, no soul.
So get inside their heads or get away from their bodies.)
"Why did you want to finish without me?" He gave her his best pout.
She laughed. "Because... your (YOU'RE) tired... I can tell." (If you're going to use the thoroughly unnecessary ellipses, delete the space following them. Better yet, just replace them with the correct punctuation. In this case, the sentence should read:
"Because you're tired. I can tell."
See how clear that was?)
"Yes... Yes I am," He smiled back at her "but your (YOU'RE) the one who is pregnant... and if you want sex... I will give it to you (COMMA) woman!" (This was horrendous. It's sloppily written and dull. Mulder is wittier than this.)
She laughed harder and pulled him down for a kiss.
He snaked a hand between her legs.
"Will you spread a little further for me? Trust me... I won't last long." ("Yeah. Just a couple of thrusts and I'm done. Isn't that romantic, honey? Speaking of romantic, could you help me assemble this desk from IKEA?")
She wrapped both legs around his waist and guided him in. ("Place dowel A into recess-cut cup B.") Soon they weren't going to be able to make love face to face anymore. She was so hot and tight from her orgasm that Mulder knew it was only going to take a few minutes. ("Since the pre-assembly pieces are produced to strict tolerances, the fit should be snug.") He thrust in and out of her quickly... holding himself up to make sure and keep his weight off of her. ("Rotate dowel A until it slides completely into the cup. Secure with fastener bolt C.") As he thrust (COMMA) Scully ran her hands up and down his arms and back (COMMA) coaxing him. ("Come on, Mulder. We have three legs left to install.") He held himself up with one arm and slide the other under Scully's back so she would arch up a bit. ("Holding table plane D slightly above the work surface, slide support arm D beneath the table plane as indicated in Figure 12.") She did and he latched on to one of her nipples. He loved the way her breasts were changing... they were rounder like the rest of her and her nipples were so sensitive. (Evidenced by...?) She ran her fingers through his hair as he suckled. (No. This word is consistently misused in fanfiction. Here is what it really means:
Main Entry: suck�le
Pronunciation: 's&-k&l
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): suck�led; suck�ling /-k(&-)li[ng]/
Etymology: Middle English suklen, probably back-formation from suklyng
Date: 14th century
transitive senses
1 a : to give milk to from the breast or udder <a mother suckling her child> b : to nurture as if by giving milk from the breast <was suckled on pulp magazines>
2 : to draw milk from the breast or udder of <lambs suckling the ewes>
intransitive senses : to draw milk from the breast or udder
So unless either Mulder or Scully is lactating, the author probably means sucked, which incidentally this story did.)
He could feel his orgasm coming... (Oh, say... how did it feel, by the way?) he started thrusting wildly and buried his face into her neck as he came into her. (And how did that feel? Did he perhaps make some sort of sound? Was it possibly an emotional experience for him, too? Shame on you for sexually abusing Mulder so impersonally.) He flopped down next to her to recover and ran his hand over her belly. He could feel the baby moving around. (Yeah, you're right. Why would he have any thoughts or feelings about his baby, currently being carried by his supposedly infertile partner on whom he has just performed vibrator-assisted cunnilingus and with whom he has just engaged in full sexual intercourse, despite his current level of sexual exhaustion? Nah, just another day for Special Agent Fox William Mulder.)
"Can the baby tell what I was just doing to you?" H(h)e asked. ("Yes, Mulder. The fetus currently gestating in my uterus, with a brain roughly the size of a Skittle, has full understanding of adult human sexual practices.")
"Tell who?" she replied. (Almost funny. Okay, three points.)
"You know what I mean..." ("Yes, Mulder. I do know what you mean. What you mean is that you're a nearly forty year old genius and you appear to have no understanding whatsoever of human physiological development in utero. You do understand, sweeting, that the only reason I keep you around is because your dowel A is so obscenely huge, right?")
"No Mulder... he can feel the movement... that's why he's restless... it is a good restless... I am sure he can feel that I am relaxed and happy." ("No, author... we can tell that these should be separate sentences... that's why we're impatient... it's wrong to string all these thoughts together with ellipses... I am sure you can see that you've misused them.")
"I am glad you are happy" he said as he kissed her on her forehead. (In which case he must be an android. Between the lack of a normal conversational contraction, the complete lack of personality in the characterization, and the fact that he can apparently speak with perfect clarity while also using his lips to kiss her forehead, our only alternative is to assume that the role of Mulder is being played by Commander Data in this story.) "Come on... we better get up... you need to shower and we need to meet Doggett at 8:45."
Mulder lifted himself up to his knees on the bed and Scully sat up.
"Okay..." she leaned over and gave his limp penis a little kiss. (This is the single most unappealing image in a thoroughly unappealing story.) "See you at lunchtime..." (And since this story is supposedly in Mulder's POV, shouldn't there be a reaction? What a - begging your pardon - limp way to end the fic. And dull. Mustn't forget dull.
Perhaps it might have managed to approach "cute" if you had made it clear that she was speaking to the penis and not the man to which it was attached. In any event, it's still soulless. Where's the love in this story? For that matter, where's the lust? Actually, come to think of it, where are the people?)
__________________________
Thanks for reading... this is my first attempt at writing smut. (That is no excuse for this story. Write it if you want. Send it out for good stringent beta, and if it's not good enough to post, move on and try again. Write all you want, author, but when you post such a lame story, you get what you deserve. Practice some restraint and only post when it's ready for others to read. This souffle is undercooked.) LOL it is funny when you spell check this stuff. (This is indeed true. MS Word's spellchecker does offer entertaining alternatives. The author gets a point for at least indicating the use of a spellchecker. That's only step one of beta, however, and it's not optional.)
General Evilness
4/5
Dull and pointless. Plotless smut can be fun, but it has to be entertaining. This was not.
Who ARE These People?
3.5/5
The author does indeed make mention of their jobs and a bit about their history, but nothing in their dialogue or actions reminds us of the characters we know and love. They could be any random couple, paying lip service to careers in the FBI.
I R a Gud Speler
1
Good.
Grammar/Punctuation
2
Not bad at all. Heinous misuse of ellipses, a quote/comma thing, and a couple of awkward sentences, but otherwise, it wasn't too awful.
Death to Clones
5/5
Plotless smut has been done to death, but when it's done well, it can still be fun to read. This was neither done well nor fun.
Wild Card: Smut is about people, not bodies
5/5
Sex is dirty and cheap when it's about only the mechanics of the act. Yukon repeats: Get inside their heads, or get away from their bodies. Try again, and this time get some good beta. And DO NOT POST a story if it's not good enough to entertain.
