On Sunday, May
21st, all the Witches wept.
From a
chalet balcony in the Alps to the flat Frozen North, from the corn fields of the
Midwest to a Desert far away, the Witches heard the official Dana Scully of 1013
productions announce her pregnancy and gnashed their teeth at the thought of the
sheer hell unleashed on the fanfic community by those two little words.
The Witches made
a pact. We would not let our
spirits be broken by the bunny bunny heart heart
wave of fanfic about to deluge the community.
Instead, we would use it as a new bar to critique stories submitted and
take down those who can't seem to measure up.
With this in
mind, the Swiss Witch cracks her delicate knuckles and takes on Cermel's 10
minute effort. She is sure Cermel
will be grateful that the review took much longer than the actual writing
process. The Swiss Witch is
thorough, if nothing else.
Never
by
Cermel
Um... here is
my 10 minute attempt this afternoon when I couldn't find any
NC-17 post-Requiem fanfics...
(Ten
WHOLE minutes, author? You spent 10 whole minutes on this story!?
Rating: NC-17 (However,
the sex is a bit of an afterthought.)
Category:
MSR
Spoilers:
Requiem (Here
we go…)
Disclaimer:
I don't own them, never have never will, and if I didn't I would
not leave my watchers in such a place for three months.
(No, you would have spent 10 minutes writing this, which so nicely wraps
things up! NOT.)
Feedback: If
you feel like it... I'm writing this for myself since I can't find
many yet. (Many *what*?)
Authors Notes: Dear God!!! (Mm hm) What more can I say about that episode? I'm sorry, not my best writing, but, its quick. Just wanted to finish! (Gentle Readers, you are familiar enough with the Great and Glamorous Swiss Witch by now to know why and estimate how far buggers shot out her nose when she read that last statement.)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
NEVER
(EVER post a 10 minute story.
NEVER. EVER.)
Scully laid in
her hospital bed, staring out the window. Tears flowing from her eyes
constantly since Skinner came and talked to her. (These
two separate bad sentences make one if you take out the period and make it a
comma. Otherwise it's just smelly
grammar, right off the bat.) It
finally started to sink in. He was gone.
(Count along with me, Gentle Readers.
Cermel has a thing about letting us know Mulder isn't here.
So, all together now: 1.)
She closed her
eyes and rested her head back. A rush of tears (Tears
don't rush. They, flow, they fall,
they drop, but they don't rush. They
aren't in a particular hurry.) came down her face again and she started
sobbing. He was gone. (2)
By some miracle this wonderful
thing happened to her. (And then, the Great
Swiss Witch killed Chris Carter.) She was pregnant and she would never
see him again. (We know Duchovny's back next season.
She'll see him again, although WE, Gentle Viewers, may not want to by
then.) No one to share it with. Her love was gone. (3. And are we sure she's talking about Mulder?
CSM was left for dead at the foot of the staircase…)
She heard the door to her room close and an arm go around her shoulders. (The baby must be an alien hybrid if she can now hear arms.) "Shh... Honey."
She looked up
into her mother's eyes. "Oh, Mom," She sobbed. She
held her mom for what seemed like
hours. "He's gone mom. (4)
He's gone. (5) " All she could
say. (Apparently.
By the way, "all she could say" is not a sentence, nor will it
be one when it grows up. To quote the title of this fic:
NEVER.)
"I know, I know." (Ah, the repetitive Scully family.) Margaret sat down next to her daughter and pulled away (That's rather cold of ol' Mom.) , brushing the hair from her eyes (whose eyes? Her own or Scully's?) . "How are *you* doing? They told me you fainted."
Scully met her eyes (and took them out for pizza. The eyes liked pepperoni, although it stung a bit going down) . "They didn't tell you why?"
Her mother shook her head. "They said to ask you. What's going on, Dana?"
"Mom," She smiled and looked down at her hands folded in her lap. "I'm pregnant. (comma here) " (s)She whispered.
Her mom's eyebrows flew up in shock. "But," She hesitated. "I thought you couldn't..."
"I
couldn't, I don't know how I did." (Please
don't make me draw a diagram.)
Realization
shown (Um, I think you want "shone" here.
But if you want 10 minute fic, you have to give up the luxury of a
dictionary, I suppose.) in her mothers eyes. "It's Mulders?" (POSSESSIVE!
Mulder's. POSSESSIVE! Mother's. POSSESSIVE! It's not just for breakfast anymore.)
The smile left Scully's face. She nodded. "And he's gone.(6. And he's large. And he's mine. Thank you Olive Oyl.) She (same as above. No "s" to capitalize.) whispered, another tear peaked out of the corner of her eye.
She was
pulled into her mother's embrace again. "We'll find him."
(WHO SAID THIS?
* * * * * One Week Later 10:00 pm (Let's do the time warp agaaaaaaain! I sense cheesy, easy copout coming on.)
Scully laid in her own bed, happy her mom finally felt she could be left alone. She'd finally stopped crying for the first time in a week. (Because Scully is known for being such a sappy, do nothing. Cermel must have been on minute 6 and didn't have the time to write the real Scully.) She was grateful her mother was there but she needed time alone.
She heard her apartment door open. Frustrated, she got out of bed. "Mom, I told I'll be fine. I just need to be alone." She stepped out into her living room and ran into a person, much larger then her mother. "Wha....?"
The
person grabbed her arms and pulled her into their embrace. She immediately recognized the person, by the scent, the arms,
the feeling of love radiating off
of him... (could be cooties from the Ship.
Preggers Scully should be carerful.
Radiation is bad for pregnant women.)
"Mulder!" She said shocked (see multiple aboves about commas, capitalization, etc, etc.) . The tears came again. She bawled into his chest. (Singularly unattractive Scully.) "God, I thought you were gone. (7) " She pulled him as close to her as she possibly could with out becoming one person.
(What? Since when is Scully possessed with Amoeba type powers?
Maybe Mulder is made of gelatin now?)
"I'm here." He whispered.
"Where did you go?"
"That doesn't matter... I'm here now." He leaned down and kissed her softly as to prove it was true.
(COP OUT.
And, as to prove it's true…
Ok, Cermel:
if you're going to write a post ep for "Requiem" and bring back
Mulder a week later with no explanation at all, then you must be under the
impression that we will think you're from 1013 or something!
That's exactly the kind of slimy, cheap, corner-cutting trick we expect
from them! Mulder will show back up
and say, "It doesn't matter, Scully, I'm here now."
Just because we take it
from 1013 doesn't make it ok in the world of fanfic. Be warned Cermel.
In fact, ALL authors be warned:
Should
you be tempted to write a story that brings Mulder back from outerspace for the
sole purpose of
Ø
Having sex with Scully
Ø
Finding out Scully's pregnant.
Ø
Marry Scully and live happily ever
after
Think LONG and HARD
before you write it. 1013 has
left us in quite a spot. Mulder is
gone. Scully is pregnant.
Try to deal with this subject in an honest manner and not give into easy
explanations or glossed-over circumstance because WHATEVER IS HAPPENING TO
MULDER DOES MATTER A GREAT DEAL.
With this in mind, the Witches
will not accept any of the following as acceptable or justifiable answers as to
where Mulder has been:
Ø
"It doesn't matter",
Ø
"I don't remember"
Ø
"What aliens?"
Ø
"I was high on goofballs."
Ø
"She didn't look 14."
We will get any and all
of those from 1013 in the fall. Fanfic
writers, give us something better.)
She pulled away... (far, far away. This wasn't Mulder. This was Korgik the Conqueror of Outer Sputneria. It said so on his wristband.) "Mulder," Her sobs caught in her throat (and hopefully choked her) .
"Shh...."
"No, I have something to tell you... (You were gone!) I don't know how it happened... (while you were gone!) well, I know how but... (you were gone!) "
"Tell me." He whispered.
"I'm
pregnant... (and you were gone!) "
She looked down almost as if she were ashamed (but
not quite) . When she got
no answer she looked up into his face. She saw fresh tears and a look of
shock. (Korgik was stunned.
He was not prepared to perform the Cog-Baar ceremony.
Besides, he had no salt to season the dangerous Earth woman's brains
with.)
"What?" Was all he could say.
(See above.
Get it right. It's not hard.)
"I'm pregnant." She smiled at his expression. He shook his head in disbelief.
"You're
serious?" (OH
GOD YES SHE IS! The Swiss Witch is
overcome with despair at this turn of developments.)
"Yeah" she whispered.
He started laughing, pulling her towards him into a kiss. Suddenly nothing was funny. Their kiss deepened. "I love you." He whispered quickly into her mouth. (Korgik was surprised that the Automator masquerading as the woman's mouth did not respond to the secret signal. He'd have to check the code book when he got back to the mother ship.)
"I love you, too."
He picked her up, carrying her into her bedroom. Carefully he set her on her bed and laid down beside her. He lifted her shirt up and over her head, trailing kisses down her bare chest to her stomach. "Our baby." He whispered. (See above and BAAAARRRRFFFFFFF.) He rested his head on her tummy as if trying to hear what was forming inside her. "Our beautiful, little miracle." (BAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRFFFFFFFFF. It's going to be a long and bile filled summer for the Wicked Witch of Switzerland.) With that he pulled her pajama bottoms down her legs along with her panties.
"Mulder," He looked up at her. (Please go learn how to write sentences that contain dialogue.) "I want to see you." (POV shift. Barfy sentiment. Worlds collide.) He smiled and started to remove his own clothing, with her help. They finally lay in each others arms, bare skin to bare skin. "This is what I love." (POV shift again! That baby's going to have whiplash from all this moving about.) She whispered. (Again with the see the above.) "Just being here with you."
He kissed the top of her head and started trailing his hands over her body. When they found her core (oh no. Not her core. Anything but her core. Granted, the author might be on minute 9 of the 10 minute "Gotta post now for no apparent reason", but they could have found any other euphemism but HER CORE.) he knew she was ready. "Miss me much?" (again, please pay attention in English Class) He asked jokingly.
She
laughed. "More then you'll ever know." Reached down and
touched him. (What reached down and touched him?)
"I want you inside me." She whispered in a
seductive tone. (Well, THAT'S never been done
before, has it, Gentle Readers?)
He
smiled and moved on top of her. He kissed her forehead once more before
pushing into her. He tried to make it last as long as he could but
he missed her too much. He
couldn't handle it and found neither could she.
Her muscles clenched around him as he came. He collapsed on top of
her, almost unable to breath.
(This is horrible.
This is absolutely horrible sex. Fast,
no description, no tension, no nothing. Excuse me if I misunderstood, Cermel, but wasn’t the reason
you wrote this and posted so quickly? Because
you just had to see some "Requiem" smut?
Personally, the Swiss Witch feels you should have spent at least 10 minutes considering hitting the "send" button alone. If it was smut you were after, you didn't do a very fulfilling job. These characters may seem happy, but after being in that story, I'm sure they're lying.)
"Don't
ever leave me again." She whispered into his ear.
(Buy a workbook.
Get a Beta Reader. Take up
model building. Please, do
something to correct this sentence problem of yours!)
"Never."
(he said, a tentacle creeping out from between his
buttocks.)
End.
Ratings
Evilness
Rating:
4
It's evil, but not Damacia Johnson or Falconer evil. The author should have waited until they had a real story to tell before they posted.
Who
Are These People?
5
We're not even completely sure this is the real Mulder. And the repetitive Scully has got to be a clone escaped from a perfectly good Louise Marin story.
I
speche Goodly:
1
Terrible sentence structure. The author needs to learn how to include dialogue in the body of a sentence. There are rules, Cermel. Follow them.
I R a gud speler:
0
Spelling
isn't a real problem here.
GAK-o-tron:
5
I'm going to warn all authors again: it's the X-Files. Do you really think we're going to get a happy ending?
Laziness
Quotient:
10
It's only supposed to go to five, but I included an hourglass for each precious insulting minute the author could be bothered by writing this.
Mary Sue Quotient:
0
None that can be seen.
Death
to Clones:
5
It's been done before.
And Your Point Was:
0
There was no point except for the author to say, "Look at me! I posted something! Look at me!" Consider yourself looked at, author, but perhaps not in the light you imagined.
General
Evil Ranking:
5
Stinko. If this is a precedent for the type of fic that's going to flood our lists, it's going to be a painful, terrible summer.
Wildcard:
Don't take the easy road out of difficult situations.
No matter how much you want to get to the fuckin', just don't do it.
