Rating : g
(as in "godhelpmethisishorrendous")Disclaimer: Not mine
Classification: MSR (No it's not. It's AU, in which Mulder and Scully have been hideously brainwashed into mind-boggling stupidity.)
Spoilers: NONE
Archieve: Sure just let me know where
Notes: Thanks to Sabby for pushing (Yukon wags her witchy finger at Sabby for not pushing hard enough.)
Feed back: Of course. addy at the bottom
As Mulder entered the coffee shop he noticed the little girl was sitting in the same spot on the curb again.
"May I help you sir?" Asked the counter person. (Yukon sets up a desk and reads from the bestseller "Quote Usage for Dummies". Rule number one, class, refers to capitalization after the quotes. In this case, the word "asked" should not be capitalized. Any questions?)
"Good morning Sally. Yes, two double lattes." Mulder said still looking at the little girl. (Rule number two, class, is that there should be a comma after "lattes" rather than a period.) "Excuse me, who is that little girl?"
"We do not know sir, (" Data told Picard without a normal human conversational contraction, "but we believe she was beamed here from Planet Stupid.") she always comes this time of day and sits in that spot. She stays for a couple of hours then she leaves. The owner has not had the heart to call the police yet. (Of course she has not, Data. She is stupid, too. I mean, who wants to ensure little children are supervised and well cared-for?) She does not disturb the customers." Said the girl of twenty. (No, if it's two sentences, make the period a comma, and make the "S" of "Said" lowercase. They teach this in the WAY early teens on Planet Earth.) "Here sir, that will be $4.37."
Mulder handed the girl the six dollars he always did. Then he turned to leave. Changing his mind he sat down at a table and called Scully.
"Scully."
"Hi. It's me. I'm at the Coffee Shack. She is here again."
("Mulder, stop doing that Data impersonation. It's really annoying. Besides, if there's a little unsupervised child there, why not just call Child Protective Services yourself? Oh yeah, I forgot, you're stupid in this story. Never mind. It sounds like you could use the help of someone competent.") "I'm on my way." Scully hung up the phone and left the office. (Author, if this part of the story is in Mulder's POV, you can't have Scully leaving the office, because he can't perceive it. Pay attention to POV.)
Mulder sat and watched the little girl playing with a stick. She was only about 6, small for her age and dirty. She had on what looked like it use to be a bright yellow dress, it would have matched her hair perfectly at one time. (Neat. Punk!Waif.) She turned to face the coffee shop at one time and Mulder could see her eyes; sad little green eyes. (All right, that's kind of sweet and sad. Yukon is sniffing.)
Sully (Sully? Those darn past lives, always popping up at the most inopportune times. But you never know...maybe this long-dead Civil War-era ghost will be smarter than either the Mulder or Scully in this story. We can hope.) pulled up in front of the coffee shop to see Mulder watching the girl. Scully's heart ached for the little thing. She looked up as Scully passed her and they regarded each other, then both smiled widely.
The little girl liked Scully. *She has pretty hair*, thought little girl. (Apparently the inertial dampeners on the Starship Stupid are malfunctioning. This hurts. Pick a POV.)
Scully sat down with Mulder. He gave her the coffee he had ordered for her.
"So, what do you want to do Mulder?" Scully asked as she enjoyed the first sip of her coffee. ("Personally, I'm too stupid to figure this out on my own, and gladly defer to your superior intelligence. No, wait, we're both stupid in this stupid fic. Damn, what do we do now?")
"I was just sitting here thinking how she needs your mother." Mulder laughed a little. "It would take your mother no time to whip her in to a bath, a meal, and a bed of her own." (Yukon does one of those little shuddery double-takes. Let's get this straight: Stupid!Mulder thinks she needs a home, but doesn't bother to call the appropriate authorities, despite the fact that he is a law enforcement officer. Second, he thinks that only JuneCleaver!Maggie is capable of taking care of the poor little waif. Third, he finds the situation FUNNY? This isn't Stupid!Mulder, it's the Anti-Mulder. Somebody run and get some holy water fast.)
Scully smiled. "You have my mother pegged. Don't you?" Scully smiled. "Ok, how are we going to get here to mom?" (Yukon shrugs. There is such a huge error here that she will have to disregard the three little errors for now. This is indeed not Stupid!Scully. It is the Anti-Scully. She has seen with her own eyes children given to Child Protective Services. But naturally, civilian Maggie is the only one who knows how to handle the situation. Find a lost child? Who you gonna call? And it's "her", not "here". Tsk.)
"I saw her look at you when you came in she likes you. Actually she likes your hair." Mulder grinned. "I knew that fire (gak) would come in handy one day." He did not look at her on purpose. (This is awkward. It could mean either he intentionally didn't look at her, or that he looked at her, but not intentionally. Oh, and here's a Non-Sequitur Alert:) "I thought some juice and a Danish."
"No . c(C)hocolate milk.(,)" Scully said. "Let me call m(M)om and tell her we are coming.(")
(Good LORD, author, does no one do beta for you? Go, go and find some. There's plenty to be had. Yukon also has trouble imagining Scully endorsing Chocolate Milk. And enough with the "we are" and "she is" and other such easily-avoidable dialogue errors.)
"I'll call Skinner and tell him we won't be in today. He will understand." (The Anti-Mulder, demonstrating his keen understanding of the other Anti-Characters, made a correct assumption. Not only did the Anti-Skinner understand and offer his blessing, but he also offered to be a surrogate grandpa for the darling little waif, assuming of course that the Anti-Maggie accepted his romantic proposal of marriage.)
Scully and Mulder both dialed and hung up at the same time. (Apparently they didn't need to actually talk to anyone on the phone; they were just practicing their Synchronized Cellphone routine for the Olympics.) Mulder went to the counter while (the Anti-)Scully stood and adjusted her self. (Is this some kind of weirdo euphemism? As in, "She felt the first quiverings of passion in her moist, pulsating self"?) She ran her hands through her hair and patted it smooth. She put a little lip-gloss on, and turned to get the food from (the Anti-)Mulder. (We see her doing this kind of primping all the time on the show. Not. She just barely brushed the dust off her suit before she went to testify before the OPR committee.)
Mulder sat back down. "I'll be here if you need me."
Scully headed to the door(,) turned and smiled at him(,) then went to the little girl. (Actually on second thought, just rewrite the sentence. No amount of punctuation will fix it.)
Scully walked up to the little girl with a bounce in her step. "Hi, can I sit with you? All the tables in there are full." Scully nodded over her shoulder. "I have an extra chocolate milk and danish." Scully offered as the girl smiled brightly. (Yukon gives up the comma-quote-lowercase ghost. There is no need to continue to beat this dead horse. There are plenty of others worth whipping in this stupid story.)
"That's my favorite." Said the little girl. "What is your name?" She asked Scully.
"I'm (the anti-)Dana Scully(, incarnation of all things stupid)." She answered, a little surprised at the little girl's question. She thought she would be doing the questioning. "But you can call me Dana, if you would like."
"I would like that." Said the little girl, wiping the milk from her face. "My name is . (Ellipses, perhaps?) Elizabeth Ann Barkley. I am waiting for someone. (But my android brother Data appears to be late.) Do you like him(," the filthy moppet asked as a complete non-sequitur)?"
"Like who?" Scully was surprised again.
"That man who bought the milk. He watched me for a long time before you got here, and he is still watching. Now he is watching you though. I think he likes your hair too." The little girl laughed as Scully wiped away her own milk face.
"Oh, him. His name is Fox Mulder. He is ok(, if a little stupid. But I am hardly one to talk, what with my sudden and inexplicable need to speak without contractions the way normal non-stupid people do). He is my partner. We have been friends for a long time. He comes to get coffee here every morning. He has seen you for the past several days and was getting a little worried."
"I have seen him. I think he is nice. He has a funny smile." Elizabeth said as she finished her Danish. (Author, "danish" is a pastry, and "Danish" is what you are if you're from Copenhagen. See JFK's "Ich bin ein Berliner" comment for more information.)
"Elizabeth, you said that you (were) waiting for someone to come back for you. Do you know where they are?" Scully asked(,) trying not to make the little girl upset.
"Yes, I know where they are. Can I go with you until they come for me again?" (the anti-)Scully, again surprised, answered yes (being the stupid mischaracterization she was), and motioned for (her trusty anti-)Mulder.
"Mulder this is .(..)"(a new paragraph might be nice here, seeing that we have two different people speaking) "Elizabeth Ann Barkley." Said the little girl, who obviously liked her name. (Obviously.)
(The anti-)Scully(, being generally stupid and beyond reprieve decided it would be a good idea to ignore the law on child welfare, and) sat in the back of her car with Elizabeth Ann.
(The anti-)Mulder(, also stupid as a fencepost, thought no more about the situation as his anti-partner had, and happily) drove them to Mrs. Scully's house.
Mrs. Scully had been busy making preparations for the little girl (because as we all know she has no life and merely waits around the house, hoping to become useful in a poorly-written fanfic). She had borrowed some clothes from a couple of neighbors with girls Elizabeth's age. A few toys as well, for a girl. After all she only had toys for her grandson Matthew (and heaven forbid Elizabeth Ann would enjoy male toys like Legos). Her next door neighbor(,) Mrs. Charles, ran to the store for her while she tidied up the spare room.
When Mulder pulled in to the drive way (one word) she had just taken her apron off. She opened the door and made a big show of hugging her daughter and Mulder both. (A big show? Why, is there someone for Mrs. Scully to impress with her insincerity?) "It's so nice to meet you Miss.(ellipses?) Elizabeth." She then turned her total attention to the little girl.
"Told you so." (the anti-)Mulder whispered(, clearly pleased that his rudimentary demi-brain had managed to both operate a complex motor vehicle and negotiate the roads between DC and Maryland).
"I know." (the anti-)Scully smiled brightly.
While Scully and her mother tended to the little girl, Mulder made all the necessary phone calls. He called Skinner again and filled him in. He called the local family court to report the abandoned child. (Wait...he did what? The local family court. What the hell is the local family court? No. You call Child Protective Services. A 30-second search on the Internet could have provided this information so easily.) An hour later he emerged from the den with a headache. Mrs. Scully(, being the intuitive and all-loving hausfrau she was,) had anticipated this and already had the Tylenol on the counter.
"I talked with family services. (That's better.) A Ms. Lore. ("Gosh," says Yukon. Clinching proof that Data was somehow involved in this stupid fic. Somebody's been watching a little too much Star Trek for their own good, author). She sa(i)d that she would get all the papers going and that we needed to take her to a doctor for a check up to make sure she is not sick, like asthma and stuff. (The Anti-Mulder often communicated vital information using phrases such as "and stuff", and "blah blah blah.") Ms. Lore(,obviously evidence of an epidemic of global stupidity,) said we could probably keep her with us for the first week (despite the fact that it's against the law and all department protocols. Author, does the name "Emily Sim" mean anything to you?), but after that she would most likely have a foster home for the child." Mulder watched the little girl play in the back yard with Mrs. Scully's cat. "She is so pretty."
(The anti-)Scully smiled. "So I guess that means she is coming home with me. (I may be a stupid android, but at least I have got that happiness thing down.)" She smiled at her mother who, was indeed, loving the thoughts of Scully playing mom. (Yukon groans. What she said above about there being too much to fix. What a horrid sentence.)
"Well you take her home tonight and I'll go shopping for clothes and stuff (stuff?) you will need. I'll be by in the morning to sit with her while you go to work. Can you go in an hour late?" Mrs. Scully said, as she took out pen and paper to make a list of things Scully would need.
"That would be fine(,) Mom. Well, let's pick up to go(,) Mulder. ("Pick up to go"?) We have to get her to bed soon." Scully said opening the back door. (Yukon is confused. It appears they have only been at Mrs. Scully's place for a few minutes. The drive couldn't have taken more than an hour, maybe an hour and a half, and then there was the scene in the coffee shop - in the morning. It's maybe noon by now, two at the latest. Yukon smacks the author on the knuckles with a ruler. Shame on you. Think these things through.
Yukon also warns the gentle reader to buckle up for a time warp. Apparently the anti-Scully and the anti-Mulder either bent space and time in order to arrive at Scully's door without actually traveling there, or there is indeed some Data/Lore/Picard involvement in this and they just used the transporter beam.)
Scully unlocked her door and stepped aside for Mulder. He carried the little girl to Scully's bed. "I always thought the first female I carried to your bed would be you." Mulder whispered with an evil grin on his face. (The anti-Scully found that very charming. A known pornography owner employing sexual double entendre and grinning evilly over the sleeping body of a little girl he openly declared as "so pretty" filled her heart with warmth and love.)
Scully turned down the covers, ignoring his comment. She removed Elizabeth's shoes.
Mulder placed her on the bed and tried to wiggle out of her arms with out (one word) waking her.
Elizabeth kissed his cheek and let go. Mulder was hers from that point on. (Whose POV is this?) He kissed her forehead, and stepped back.
Scully covered her tiny form. "Are you going to come back soon?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes. I'll be back soon. I just have to lock up after Mulder. Good night." Scully patted her arm and then her and Mulder walked out of the room.
(Yukon takes a brief break to pace back and forth and scream her guts out.
HER AND MULDER WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM? HER AND MULDER WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM? This is not a simple typo, this is a sign that the author has an inferior grasp of the language and its usage.
Writing is art with language as the medium. As with any kind of art, you first have to learn to use the tools, then you learn to make art with them. Yukon will beat this point into the heads of all offending authors until she bleeds green from the knuckles.
HER AND MULDER WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM? Yukon is very, very sad. Shame on you, author.
Write this crap, make your mistakes, and then have someone read through it and fix what's wrong. It's called taking pride in your work. It's called learning from your errors.
Most importantly: if it sucks, don't post it. Don't post crap. Write all you want, but if it sucks, don't post it. Don't post it. This angered, witchy dissection is what you get if you do. Don't post crap.
DON'T POST CRAP.
Here is a visual aid that may help the author understand the delicate philosophy underlying that statement:
See? It's easy not to post crap. You just have to want to not post crap.
Yukon paces a little and counts to one hundred. A mantra, she needs a mantra. "Conscientious authors who think through their premises, spellcheck, and use beta. Conscientious authors who think through their premises, spellcheck, and use beta." There, that's better. We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic critique.)
While Scully was making the coffee Mulder had checked on the girl twice. (Tense. "Mulder checked")
"Mulder if you don't stop you are going to wake her up. She is fine." (the anti-)Scully (android) scolded him(, still committing to her refusal to attempt contractions). "Now sit down and drink your coffee."
Mulder pouted a little. (Why? Author, do you want to give us even a hint about why he's pouting? Nah, why bother, right? He's just a stupid anti-Mulder. He doesn't need a reason.) He sat down at the table to drink the coffee before heading home. "You know you will have to take off early tomorrow to take her to the doctor." (The stupid anti-Mulder normally would have had to duck quickly in order to avoid the right hook aimed directly at his pouty mouth, but of course she was just as stupid as he, and the anti-Scully failed to take offense when he underestimated her ability to handle the situation.)
"I should be able to get a late appointment with a friend of mine from med school. She is a pediatrician. I'm sure when she is told the story I can have a late appointment." Scully ran her hand through her hair and sighed heavily. (What a horribly awkward and unpleasant paragraph.)
"Well, I will pick up dinner and have it waiting for you tomorrow night when you get back. If that is ok with you?" Mulder said as he laid his hand on hers. (It's dissection time, gentle readers.
A Quick Lesson on What is Wrong With the Paragraph Above, by the Wicked Witch of the Yukon
"I will pick up dinner"...is wrong. Mulder uses contractions like most normal, nonstupid English-speaking people.
"ok"...is an actual word, which is spelled "okay".
"If that is ok with you?"...is not a sentence.
"If that is"...is still wrong. Stop using formal English. Scully has actually said the phrase "royally pissed", for the sake of Pete. They are nonstupid English-speaking characters. They use contractions all the time.)
"Yea that's fine. Listen can you lock up? I just realized I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I'm going to shower and then to bed." Scully asked as she poured her coffee out and rinsed the cup. (What room are they in? Are they sitting? Standing? Close together? Far apart? And why will it take too long for Scully to lock up? And why does she say "Yea", which means "yes" in the incorrect sense, as opposed to "Yeah", which means "yes" in the correct sense? Questions, questions, so many questions.)
"Of course. I'm going to finish mine. Then I'm gone." Mulder smiled at her. "Goodnight Scully." (Punctuation? Sentences? Ah, fuggeddaboutit.)
"Goodnight Mulder." Scully said over her shoulder as she faded from site. (That's sight. And she faded? How exactly does one fade from sight? If the style of the piece was more lyrical and poetic, then the "fading" concept might work. But this is a very literal and mundane storytelling style, and there is no room for flowery language here. This is why the word "fire" as a synonym for "red hair" earned the author a "gak" earlier on.)
Then next morning at the office Mulder had began (Tense. Omit "had".) the work of searching for the girl's parents. He thought he had a better chance of finding them (than whom? And how could he? He's a stupid anti-Mulder.). He could not turn up anything. Nothing. He could not find a record of the child's birth. No parents. No school records. Nothing. (Nothing, except for that birth certificate we're about to find out about.) The only thing he did find was a birth record for an Elizabeth Ann Barkley, which would be 23. (Ew, author. The record would be 23 what? 23 Skidoo? If you meant that Elizabeth Ann Barkley would be 23, you have to use "who", instead of "which". "Which" is for objects, "who" is for people.) That turned out to be a dead end as well. For he also found a death certificate form the same girl. She had died in an automobile accident when she was 6. That had been 17 years ago. It couldn't possibly be her. Or could it. (A question is best ended with a question mark.) Mulder dismissed that thought. He knew Scully would her nothing of it and maybe this time she was right. He had held this girl in his arms. She was flesh and blood.
(Another Rant by Yukon
"He knew Scully would her nothing of it and maybe this time she was right."
This is a study in badness. There is not a single excuse Yukon can think of that would explain why a story has to go out in this kind of condition. There is beta all over the place. Get some. Just because you write something doesn't mean you have to post it. Repeat it to yourself again and again until you get the point, author.
Don't post crap. Shame on you, author.)
"Good morning. I'm looking for Fox Mulder or Dana Scully. The guard at the front desk said I could find them in this office." The women said. She was tall and thin, with long dark hair. "I'm Mrs. Lore." (Apparently the only android capable of contractions. Way to stick to Star Trek canon, author! Wish you'd done as much with The X-Files.)
Mulder stood up instantly. "Yes, I'm Fox Mulder. Nice to meet you ma'am. Won't you have a seat." Mulder had turned on his best charm (as opposed to his worst charm, which was easily confused with obscene leering at underage girls). He felt like he might need this woman's approval someday. (Gee, way to telegraph the punch there, author.) Better be charming.
"Where is Ms. Scully?" (Do you mean "Doctor Scully"? Or maybe "Special Agent Scully", Mrs. Lore? Nah, we're all just stupid here on Planet Stupid.)
"She will be here soon. She had to wait for her mother to do a little shopping for Elizabeth. Then She (She?) will sit with her while Scully and I run down the information we have on the girl. I must tell you though that I have not been able to come with any leads. I can not (First, "cannot" is one word. Second, use the frigging contraction already.) even find a birth certificate, school records, anything." Mulder offered her a cup of coffee.
"Yes, thank you." Mulder poured while she continued. "Actually that is not uncommon. A lot of homeless families are in this area and all over the country. (Proving that the man in this scene is the anti-Mulder. An experienced investigator wouldn't have considered the aspect of homelessness? Not our extra-strength super-dumb anti-Mulder!) They do not report the children for fear the government will take them away. They also have the children and sell them in to slavery. (What kind of slavery? Get specific, otherwise this sounds like a stupid, overdramatic cop out.) There are a lot of reasons why there would be no records. Thank you." She took the coffee from him, and sniffed it as he went back to his desk. "Umm smells good."
"Yea, that is the one thing we law mean ("men", and it's usually one word) can do right." Mulder joked and Mrs. Lore laughed along with him.
"Well Scully has made an appointment for the girl this after- noon (?- ?) with a friend. I will have a copy made and sent to your office. When do you think you will have a foster family ready?" Mulder asked.
"Well, that is what I'm here about. I can go take her now." Mrs. Lore said.
Mulder nearly froze. He was not willing to give the girl up. Not yet. Something told him that she belonged with Scully. (Probably the author herself, because nothing in this stupid story has even come close to explaining why Mulder would accept such an irrational assumption. SHOW, don't tell, author.) "I'm not so sure that is such a good idea. I have some training in psychology and I think it would be harmful to take her away from Scully and her mother so quickly. (Pop quiz: Where can a criminal profiler have a better understanding of a child's reaction to being uprooted better than an experienced caseworker? Planet Stupid of course.) Elizabeth has obviously been on the streets for a while, but she has taken with them instantly." Mulder protested as best he could. ("she has taken with them instantly"? Yukon thinks she understands what the author is trying to say, but it's communicated so poorly that...never mind. It's just not worth it anymore. Fuck language, spelling, grammar, and punctuation anymore. Yukon will disregard all but the glaring character and plot issues from this point onward.)
"I'll tell you what I will do. I will make an appointment with a child psychologist for the morning. (In the morning. Right.) All four of you be there. We will decide then what is best for the child. It will give me time to research the three of you as well." She sat down her coffee and began to rise.
"Thank you Mrs. Lore." Mulder shook her hand and walked her out of the building. When he returned to the office Scully was there waiting for him.
"Morning sunshine." Scully said beating him to it. She grinned with a little pride. (Pride about what?)
"Good morning the coffee is still hot." Mulder said. (Yukon lied she can't overlook this heinous spliced sentence.)
"Thanks I already have some." Scully said raising her cup to him. "Looks like you had company this morning."
"It was Mrs. Lore, from child protective services. She wanted to take Elizabeth this morning." Mulder didn't look at Scully. "And I told her that I thought it would be in the girl's best interests to leave her with you and your mother." Mulder looked at Scully with his best puppy face. (As opposed to his worst puppy face, which resembled a colicky pug and made her want to kick it in with her expensive shoe.)
She could tell that, by the look on his face he was sorry that he did not consult her first; but he did what he thought he had to for the little girl. (The anti-Scully decided she really didn't mind having the anti-Mulder decide for her whether or not she was about to become an adoptive mother. He was always just so generous that way, anticipating her needs and getting her exactly what she wanted even before she knew she wanted it. As if reading her mind pre-emptively, he got up and fetched a tampon for her from the top drawer of the desk. "There you go, sunshine. Aunt Flo is on the way.") "Ok, so is she going to let us keep her for a while?" Scully asked.
Mulder perked up, "For now. We have a meeting in the morning with a child psychologist. All four of us are to be there. Your Mother included, because she will be spending so much time with the girl. Mrs. Lore is going to do some research on all of us, and listen to the doctor in the morning before she makes here finale decision. I have to messenger her a copy of the doctor's record from today, in the morning as well." Mulder handed Scully the file on Elizabeth that he had made.
Mulder this is empty." Scully looked a little bewildered. "Is there nothing on her?"
"No. Nothing." Mulder relaxed into his chair. "I can not find anything." Mulder told Scully everything. All of the dead ends he had come across. All the things Mrs. Lore had told him of the homeless people. Everything. (This summary was almost as detailed as the original conversation. In Yukon's opinion, that doesn't constitute nearly enough information to warrant the repetition of the word "everything".)
They finished working. They filed. They wrote reports. All the usual boring stuff Mulder hated. At 5:00pm Scully headed for the doctor's office. She was meeting her mother and Elizabeth there for 5:30pm.
"I'll see you at my place." Scully walked out and Mulder gathered his things and left as well.
***********
Mulder decided he better go bye Scully's before he went to the take out place. He had a nagging feeling that Ms. Scully (Ms. Scully? Such formality! Well, that actually makes sense. He hasn't known the anti-Scully very long, and she really is nearly a stranger to him.) had beat him to the punch. He was right.
~Fox, Dana told me of your plans for dinner. There is a roast in the oven that should be done for 6:15. The potatoes, corn and salad are in the refrigerator. The dish washer is empty. Have a nice night.~
Mulder laid the note down and composed himself. He was laughing so hard that his eyes began to tear. (Yes, because Mulder is always this animated and jovial. Author, the man speaks in a monotone. That means something.) "She can trust me not to get her daughter killed in the line of duty, but not to not poison her." Mulder was laughing as he checked on everything and began to warm what needed it and set the table.
When Scully and Elizabeth walked in the door, they were laughing and giggling.
"What is so funny?" (the android anti-)Mulder inquired.
"Nothing." They said in unison and began laughing harder.
Mulder was beginning to feel ganged up on by the females in his life. "Come on give."
Scully quickly changed the subject. "Lizzy here has a clean bill of health."
"Yea, I liked Dr. Debbie." She dropped her bag of goodies as she watched Scully do the same thing. Then they kicked off their shows too. (They kicked off their shows with entertaining little teasers of the fabulous action to come. Unlike this story.) Lizzy ran to the TV and began looking for the tapes Ms. Scully had brought.
"Top of the closet. I brought my box from the house, just in case you didn't have one." Mulder said as Scully began undoing her gun belt. "Thanks, I dug mine out last night. I keep it pretty handy for when Matthew is over. I'll be back in a second." She rounded the corner and was out of sight.
Lizzy had found what she wanted. She ran over to Mulder. "Mr. Fox, will you put this on for me. I like this best." She had grabbed Mulder around the legs causing him to hold onto the counter to keep from falling.
"Sure thing what are we watching?" Mulder said as he slipped the tape in.
"Flubber." She giggled. She headed towards Scully's bedroom. "I'll be right back. Don't leave." (Yukon wonders how Elizabeth Ann Barkley, who obviously loves her name, could know about the movie Flubber if...well, you'll find out, gentle readers. But author, it's called 'planning your timeline'.)
"Dana, he is going to watch `Flubber' with us." Lizzy said as she bounded into Scull's bedroom. (Excellent. Apparently the anti-Scully is into Goth style. The anti-Mulder will be so pleased when he finds out her nasty little nickname. And that dagger tattoo on her hoo-hoo.)
"Ok, but after dinner. Change into these play clothes. Then we will go back out. Close the door." Scully said as she exited her bathroom.
When they emerged from Scully's bedroom, they both looked more comfortable. They smiled at Mulder who was pouring glasses. Tow tea glasses and one milk. Scully was really getting surprised. She had never seen this side of Mulder. She liked it.
(Yukon sighs and finally gives in to the nagging suspicion that this author did not learn English first. Or even second, from the look of things.)
They all talked and laughed through dinner. Then they all cleaned the table together. When all was tidy, they settled in to watch the movie. Sitting on the couch, Scully leaned into Mulder and Lizzy laid across both of their laps. With (the anti-)Mulder stroking her hair(, being the adorable pedophile he was). They had a great time watching the film. (The ridiculously mischaracterized anti-)Scully nearly lost it in the scene where the bad guy ate the flubber. She laughed so hard that Lizzy and Mulder were laughing at her. (Mary Sue, er, Author, Scully does not like the same movies you do. She is not a teenager. She is a doctor and physicist. She also doesn't listen to The Backstreet Boys, she doesn't drink Snapple, and she doesn't shop at Contempo Casuals. Take yourself out of the story, right this minute! Don't make me come in there!)
Scully kissed Lizzy good night as Mulder carried her into the bedroom. "I like this part best." Mulder said with Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. (Ew. That's genuinely distasteful, and potentially felonious.)
The next morning Mulder showed up with fresh danish and chocolate milk. He knocked lightly then let himself in. All was quite (all was quite what?), so he creaped into Scully's room. There in her bed was one of the most beautiful sites he'd ever seen. Scully laid on her back with the little girl snuggled up next to her. They were snuggled so tightly he could hardly tell where each began. He turned at headed into the living room he turned on the news and waited for them to wake. (Yukon is wincing from all the typos and poor word choices in this horrid paragraph.)
And so this is how the mornings started. Mulder was there when Lizzy and Scully woke. He was there when they went to sleep. His key had never gotten so much use.
The psychologist recommended that Lizzy stay. She could see no reason to move her from people she had grown so close to so quickly. Ms. Lore was not extremely happy them. Their reputations worried her. However the child would be seeing the psychologist regularly and Mrs. Scully would be with her most everyday. So she had agreed.
They agreed to let Skinner keep them assigned near Dc for the next month. Skinner visited Scully's apartment often bearing gifts for Lizzy. He had fallen in love with her as easily as Mulder had. (Of course he did. Because the anti-Skinner was both an anti-Mulder-rate pedophile and the beloved of Margaret.) Scully was a little bewildered by these two big strong men basically going ga ga over a six year old girl. She would have understood it better if she had been in collage. (What? Yukon just doesn't want to know, because it still feels all sexually-tinged. Yukon needs a shower. Ick.) Still Scully sat back and enjoyed.
Mulder and Scully enjoyed the new closeness that Lizzy was bringing them in their relationship. They had more fun in the past month together then they had for the past couple of years. They suddenly were living their lives again outside of the bureau. Mulder had even taken Scully out to lunch several times. Skinner was smiling more often and had begun to arrive at Scully's apartment before she had. Scully was beginning to suspect he had designs on her mother. (Yukon pats herself on the back for seeing this one a mile off.)
Late on night after a hard day at the park Scully asked Mulder to stay. (How exactly does one define "a hard day at the park"? Stop-and-go traffic waiting to use the slide? Vicious Attack Swings? Nasty, insulting squirrels?) She had waited till the last moment. His hand had been on the doorknob. "Mulder stay." He turned. "You are going to be here before sunrise in the morning any way. That's only a couple of hours away." She looked at him and reached for his hand. "Stay."
Mulder let her led him back to the couch. He took off his coat while she went for a blanket and pillow. She adjusted the sofa for him then sat down on the opposite end. He removed his shirt and shoes and got comfortable. "want to watch a little tv with me?" Mulder asked.
"Sure."
She adjusted on the couch facing the tv and lend into his arms. That's how Lizzy found them the next morning. So Mulder began sleeping on Scully's sofa more often.
When they had Lizzy for two months Ms. Lore came to see them at the office. "I am sorry to inform you, but it is time to give Elizabeth to the state." She glanced at Scully then back to Mulder. "She has done very well in your care but the state would rather have her in a more stabile home enviroment. This is not my descion. I want you both to know that now. Agent Scully you are considered a single mother in the eyes of the court (how unexpected, considering she's unmarried and all...can y'all see what's coming?) and they will not give you total custody of her." She stood and told then goodbye. "I'm sorry Dana. I'm sorry Fox." She left the office in a rush(, concerned that the two anti-agents will continue to act out of character and simply shoot her).
They had one week to prepare Lizzy. They sat in the office in silenece. No work done they headed home. (Right, because they've never demonstrated the habit of diving into their work when they're unhappy. Yukon rolls her eyes.) Mulder went to his apartment, she to hers. When Scully arrived home with out Mulder Lizzy knew something was wrong. He did not call or come over. Then just before bedtime he knocked on the door and rushed in.
"I'll put Lizzy to bed he annouced." Her picked her up and shut the door behind them. Scully stood in her kitchen in amazement.
Mulder told Lizzy of his secret. She was more excited then he was. Which was a lot. She wished him luck and pushed him out the door. "I can put my self to bed."
Mulder stood in the hallway for a few seconds trying to gain strentgth. He walked into the kitchen with determination. "I'm sorry I did not call you. I had to do some thinking." (You see, I need to inform you that I am a stupid android. That is why I have been making such poor decisions and why I have been behaving so oddly. The good news is, you are a stupid android too. Marry me, hunnywuggums?) She did not face him.
"Mulder, I've been thinking too. As much as I do not want to loose Lizzy, I do not want to loose the closeness we have gathered from this. I want to stay like this. I do not want to loose you to the bureau." Scully turned to him. "Mulder I ."
"Scully will you marry me?"
"What?"
"If we get married you are not a single mother. The court will have to take our petition for Lizzy seriously. I am not just asking you to keep her." Mulder closed the distance between them and Scully moved towards the wall. "Scully I love you in so many ways. I want to make you happy, we have been fighting this for a long time. Now it is ok. I talked to Skinner and he said that WE do not have to transfer to different departments. ("WE wouldn't, but HE would, because Assistant Directors who make such bad decisions are usually asked to resign at once, and are often also taken for psychological evaluation.") He said we could work it out because there are special circumstances. Scully marry me."
*Two months later* (What a supremely lame cop-out.)
Scully blinked twice.
"Scully. Are you ok?"
"Yes mom. I'm fine. I'm just tired from the trip." (Margaret Scully calls her daughter "Scully"? Show of hands, gentle readers. How many of you buy that for a single stupid nanosecond? Thought so.) Scully said as she sat on her bed. I'm still in awe how everything worked out so easily. I love him mother. If Lizzy had not come into our lives, I'd still be lying to myself. So would he. We could have never stayed apart much longer." She laid the coats on the bed, and stood back up. "I really like this little house too. It is perfect."
Scully returned to her guest with her mother in tow. Mulder and Lizzy were making fools of themselves doing a duet of `You Got a Friend in Me'.
"I see I made it back n time to see the show." Scully laughed.
Everyone laughed along. This was a party to celebrate the finale adoption of Lizzy Mulder. (So it happened in the last episode of the show they kicked off earlier?) Everyone was so happy. The gunmen had been excited about the wedding, but they were over joyed at this news. Yet again Scully was amazed at Lizzy's talent to engulf the men in her life. (Ew, please tell Yukon this is not another sexual comment, because she's wicked, and this still eebs her out to the maximum.)
Mulder walked over to Scully and kissed her check. ("Thank goodness for your salary," the anti-Mulder said, tonguing the valuable piece of paper. "We'd never be able to afford this little house without it.") He put his arm around her waist and stood close to her.
"Excuse me."
Everyone turned towards the middle of the room.
"Yes Lizzy. What is it?" Scully asked smiling widely, thinking it was another song.
"I need to tell you something." Lizzy began. "My work is done. I will be leaving soon."
"What are you talking about Lizzy?" Mulder said in his best Father voice.
(Yukon knows what's coming, and prepares by putting her head between her knees and breathing. "Duck and cover" is the catchphrase of the day. Hold on to your seats, gentle readers. The author is about to launch this Satellite of Stupid clear out of the atmosphere.)
"I have to go home now. My work is finished. I have done what she asked for." Lizzy walked over to Mulder and took his hand. She placed it Scully stomach. "This is what I came to do. She asked that I fix what needed to be. That is what I have done. She loves you Dana. Emily wanted to get to know you. She just did not have the time." Scully eyes began to tear as a light filled living room of her new home. "Fox, I am that girl who died all those years ago. You must take care of them. They are your family now." She glanced around the room. "You all have so many who care for you. Take care of each other." Lizzy began to glow. "I have to go now. Goodbye." She rose from the ground began to fade from site Scully and Mulder both reached out for her. She was gone.
Scully whipped the tears from her face and to him. "I was going to tell you two tonight after the party. I wanted to share it with just us first. I found out this morning." She smiled as she held his hand tighter to her stomach. (Mulder thought this was a shame, because he'd been hoping she was pregnant. Instead, she seemed to be implying that she'd eaten something that didn't agree with her. Author, you cute little thing you, babies don't grow inside their mothers' stomachs. Here. Here's a book on the birds and the bees. Look at the pretty pictures so you'll know how it works.) "I love you."
Tears flowed freely down Mulder's face. "I love you."
T H E
E N D!!!
(YAY!!! Yukon is thrilled that it's over!!! This review took two months to write because the story was so painful to read through more than once!!!)
Robin-X-Ray President and Founder of XFFFPA Proud member in good standing of "Walter's Wenches in Waiting" Keeper of Scully's Bee Pollen Down Right Bad Girl of The Night Owls Club Being `Shipper' is in my blood Here until the end . and on. Domestic goddess Devine [email protected] www.geocities.com/charbin_fic.com
General Evilness
4.5/5
One of the worst travesties I've ever read. A complete waste of time.
Gak-o-Tron
4.5/5
"That fire." The benevolent third party, keen on getting them together.
AGAIN.
Who ARE These People?
12/5
Why the stupid android anti-Scully, the stupid android anti-Mulder, the stupid
anti-Skinner, the stupid anti-Margaret, the stupid counter person, the obnoxious Elizabeth
Ann Barkley who obviously loves her name...
I R a Gud Speler
4.5
Genuinely awful. Atrocious. Shame on you.
Grammar/Punctuation
4.5
Also awful. Basic rules not understood. Ick.
Mary Sue Must Die
4.5
Yukon wonders - hm, she wonders - who Elizabeth Ann Barkley who obviously loves her name
might be. Flubber? Tsk.
Death to Clones
4.5
Maggie-lovin' Skinner. Scully wanting to be a mom. Maggie as June Cleaver.
The benevolent third party keen on getting Mulder and Scully together - at last!
Gak. The half-point grace comes from the fact that the benevolent third party
is a genuine x-file. Sadly, the anti-Scully and the anti-Mulder fail to care.
Wild Card: English Are Me Mother
Tounges
5
Horrid use of language. Clearly the author is highly unfamiliar with English, due to
insufficient education.
First you learn the language, then you write in it.
Repeat this to yourself, author, a hundred times a day until it sinks in.
