Thoughts
When
growing up in the early years……. toddler through adolescence……I loved my
life and wanted for nothing. I was pure, precious, unscathed, untouched by the
false platitudes, cold realities, harshness, cruelty and evil of this world we
live in. In Yiddish there is a term for this world in that context and that is
“Gashmious”.I loved my mother, my father, my 2 sisters, my cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents, especially my grandfather Benjamin. I loved my home we lived in no matter how small or meager. It was a wonderful home filled with love. I was pure, innocent, and angelic. I Wasted 40 Some Years Trying To Find Something Else, Wading My Way Through Gashmious, Chasing The Buck, Materialism, Selfish, Bad Women, When Not Realizing All Along I Had It All! Now I Know, And I Am Suffering So. It is amazing that I haven’t lost those true feelings of my early youth that were and are now so important to me. I miss my family desperately. All I want now is to live a life as pure as I am able. To be good, to love and to be loved. To give of myself totally to others. To love them. I have a son, who prefers not to communicate with me now, so I am giving him his space, though it is agonizing for me. I Love Him Unconditionally!! and always will. I love children, nothing is more important,and family life. I now realize the mistakes that I made. Ironic, isn’t it??....
It's Purim....hard to get it out of my mind. I'm not going to Shul because
there will be a lot of Rabbis and their children which are many. Most all of the children have known me as I used to be, except the new ones ..and knowing Hassidic Jews, there will be many. The young ones will not understand. I cannot and will not hurt them. It's the children I am thinking of. As all children, they are beautiful, pure and innocent. Especially these children, Hassidic Rabbi's children, you can imagine. I'll be praying at home tonight, celebrating alone, getting despondent which I am not really supposed to do on this Yomtov. I will have some schnaps in a few minutes. I miss my rabbis and some of my old friends and shul very much.
It’s about
2 weeks or so before PESACH. I have found a shul that I have been going to for
Shabbos. It’s a conservative shul, but they do most of the service. I have
been going there for the past 2 weeks and am getting used to it. I sit in the back. It is a popular shul, abbreviated BZBI. I bring my own siddurim and pray to G-d the way I was taught by rabbis, who I haven’t seen in years. I cannot go to my shul for a few reasons…I wish I could. I really loved it there. I feel such an angelic closeness to G-d around this time. I feel a strong need to become as pure as I can. Normal things that wouldn’t bother me so much now at this time do. My body and soul have the desire to be purified and I am doing the best that I can. I am also driven to study again about PESACH and other Torah. I am reading the Sfas Emes, along with passages from Shash, again, Mesechta Pesachim. I would love to have a Seder at my house, or go to my Rabbi’s but I know that at this time it would be impossible. E’im Yirtsah Hashem…with G-d’s blessing, I will survive and prosper.
Oh, I miss my son so....I love him so....I hurt so and feel empty without him...Without him and a family, there is no meaning or true purpose to my life...
Children Are Precious
Especially when they are babies, toddlers and pre-teens. Nothing is more important than to insure their well being, safety and happiness. Lots of love, all the time. If you can, stop being in the rat race for more things...give them what they really need....Love...Caring....Time..All The Time They Want..To Be With You..Nurture Them...Love Them...Teach Them...Laugh With Them...Sacrifice for them....Never let them go...Never....
I spent Yom Kipper at an orthodox shul. I was so jealous of the Rabbi's wife. She was so young, slim, pretty, natural, and pure. Her face and body radiated these traits. Even though I realize that religious life has its' tests, I thought about the life she must have... Not having to worry about the corruptions and frailties of a secular mate and living in constant gashmious. She has 2 children, one a year or so and the other a toddler. Oh, did I wish. I day dreamed what it would be like to be her.
For years,I have been going to Borough Park. This community is predominantly Jewish, mostly Chassidic, ultra orthodox, from groups that immigrated there from all over the world. Some later generations being born there. It is a wonderful place. Also American Jewish families that later in life some retired, making a strong connection with their heritage & wanting to live out their life in a religious community, move to this mecca of Jewish life. Hustle & bustle along the main thoroughfares, women in modest garb, with strollers, double strollers, tripple strollers, kids everywhere. Average Chassidic family has 10 children. Men hustling to & from shul & Yeshivas dressed in Chassidic garb, long black coats, called Kaputa or Bekeshere & Streimels on their head, as the custom bought for them by their prospective in laws upon marriage and for reaching high religious levels. Every time I go, I become so jealous, envious of all the women I see with all their children, Yiddish language, their Yiddishkeit so evident and heard. I wished then that I was one of them. Sometimes I think I would have loved to have grown up as a young Chassidic Beis Yakov girl from a Chassidic family with lots of Rabbis and brothers and sisters.
I am in such conflict. Sometimes I think of possibly moving there. I'Em Yirtzah Hashem, G-d willing.I am very lucky to have had these experiences, Baruch Hashem!, Thank G-d!
I have sometimes prayed to G-d to make me any sex, just to end my suffering. I am not gay. To make me one, mind and body the same. Even though I love being a woman so, to erase all thoughts of femininity from my mind as if I never was a woman. Sometimes I become hysterical when praying with this in mind.
Hashem has granted me another life. No cancer...Baruch Hashem...All I want is to help people, survive and live the rest of my life being as pure as I can be....
Sometimes it is very hard to stand up for what you believe in. Against all adversity I am trying so, having survived 2 suicide attempts. I have been in analysis & therapy with psychiatrists & therapists weekly for the past 4 years. Have been in Crisis Centers and have been in hospitals for being physically attacked and/or physically abused. It's especially difficult for a transsexual that is considered by most attractive. In all worlds of sexuality, discrimination against transsexuals is commonplace: jealousy abounds, hatred, misunderstanding, ignorance, false education, improper upbringing, environment, prejudice, discrimination to name a few.
Oh G-d, I am in your hands as always....Please help.....
Even though I have appreciated & have thought of living a religious life & have had somewhat similar experiences, at this time I no longer prefer so. I will always have a place in my heart for that life, but I now prefer a secular existence. If only I was not so poor. I would love to have a small house, similar to the ones in the French country side, 2 story with a small attic & wonderful kitchen.
After ten years including the last four years in weekly analysis, suicide attempts, post hospital stays, crisis centers, torment, abuse, prejudice, doubts, struggling to make a living, not knowing what sex I am attracted to or even what sex I am anymore, I really know absolutely nothing, except one very strong feeling, need and emotion. I miss my son and care about him more than anything else in this world; that's the only thing I care about,him! I will always be his father and I am trying so to be that again. I pray that his love is still there as mine will never go away for him. Somehow, G-d willing, we will be together as father and son again.
My problems do not compare one iota to others that I have seen. Children, from birth crippled, deformed, mentally retarded, physically handicapped, some with chronic diseases,cancer, other incurable diseases, Oh my G-d! I would give my life in trade just to heal them, one of them, any of them. As I pray to G-d to help me & forgive me I pray to G-d to help them, cure them, all of them, one of them & if I could help,to please let me know how & I would do so immediately. I count my blessings. My dream would be to give of myself, all of me, to help others in need in this world. Again, all I wish is to be as pure as I can be & help others within my power, G-d given, to do so.
On another trip to the doctor, I was worried that something was wrong. I lost 20 lbs in a little over a month & was not feeling well. Upon explaining to my doctor my concerns he said,"With all the stuff that you are taking & all that you are going through, my G-d, you are just a freaky lady." He made me laugh & squelched my fears so far. :>)
There is not a day that goes by that I have not thought about my son. I love him unconditionally & always will. I wish I could erase all the hurt he must feel. I miss him desperately. The hurt is so agonizing for me as I cannot forget him or give him up.,NEVER!! I prey to G-d that he contacts me as I am lost as to what to do. To me,family is all that matters in the world,nothing is stronger. I really do not care seriously about anything else. There is nothing else.
Through these last four years in therapy I am beginning to realize that I was always different when growing up but I never had much of a chance to let my desires or feelings surface. My interests did not as I began to grow up fit the mold of most men. As my BIO states they may have been thought of as being feminine and looked down upon by my peers. Being afraid, they were hidden to me & kept me aloof most of my childhood and early adulthood; afraid to let it go. I am now beginning to accept that ever so slowly; to not freak out about it all the time or to hurt myself or to attempt suicide. It has been a long struggle but I am beginning to make some progress. Self acceptance only so slightly is beginning & even my therapist says that is a very good sign and improvement of getting better even if so slightly.
Nothing seriously matters in this world other than having a loving family, the most important aspect of life and our guarantee of freedom and security against the recent and present threats of terrorism.