I said to myself: But I am not a manic. I said: I do not need treatment. I disowned myself. Just because I was diagnosed as being manic depressive, bipolar. My own rejection of myself was mirrored by some of those around me. Mental illness has so much stigma attached to it. Some people believe that mentally ill people are simply weak. Or that they are so different, that they cannot be accepted by the rest of soceity. Or that they need to simply focus on positive thinking and they will get better. I am all for positive thinking, but I know that a balanced lifestyle takes much more than just that. Mental health is acquired through a balanced action plan. Some mental illnesses are so disruptive that they limit a person's ability to work or participate in other social activities. They need extensive support, but they can still find fulfillment.

Medications are often used and sometimes abused. I refused at first to accept medications and I still struggle with this issue. Some doctors believe that people with all sorts of illness simply need to take their pills and they will be all better. But I do not agree. I have taken my medications faithfully for years and suffered numerous relapses. Now I see medications as an aid. A chemical supplement to assist my body in maintaining balance. But they are not the only element in my treatment plan. If I simply took them and continued to let my stress levels become unmanageable and my mental fitness to be unattended for, I would be in the hospital. I supplement my lifestyle at this time with alternative healing methods. I use talk therapy and space scrubbing. I exercise to release positive energy and combat the weight gain which is partially due to medications. I am beginning to focus on my own power of healing. Listening to my body and mind and getting my energy in line with a healthy goal. Every night that I sleep is a step towards health. Even if I need to take a sleeping pill to bring about the necessary calm, I do this. Because I know that the revitalization of sleep is good for my mind and body. One time I was so ill that I did not sleep for 2 weeks. This threatened my life. I believe that dreams are my minds way of exploring and releasing energy. I can be manic in a dream and let my mind go to that creative, high energy, unrealistic place without disrupting my wakeful state. If it occassionally takes medications to bring me to this peaceful and necessary state, then let it be.

Back to the question: What is mental illness? I like to say that I experience dis-ease. That my mind becomes out of balance and cannot function as I like it to in order to carry on with my desired pattern of living. But really when in a state of mania or depression, I am where I need to be at that time. I am maybe escaping from extreme stress or letting out unmanageable anger. My life is not peaceful, it is disrupted. Some people with mental illness have experienced great disruption in their lives and it has left them with pain and ineffective coping strategies. These strategies save their lives because they allow them to escape and prevent even deeper pain. When my Grama died I went manic for the first time. Her energy, I felt, was transferred into me. It was too much. When my parents divorced, I experienced emotional trauma. Again hospitalized, my mania carried me through the grief. I even found extensive joy in my madness. I needed the support of new friends in the system and fellow patients to make it through.