| How to Win a Halo Tournament with Style |
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| 1. First, give your team about three years of practice. We�re talking every weekend, all-night Halo extravaganzas. 2. Complete and utter dedication is a must if you plan on absolute domination. Making a mark on the tournament scene requires much more than the occasional romp through The Maw. 3. Memorize the different maps, naming each spot to easily describe them during a match. Every person on your team should quickly be able to relay enemy positions using codenames such as "The Ridge," "The Jeremy Spot," or "The Man-Bush." This is a crucial part of any serious team�s chemistry. 4. Different playing techniques also merit codenames. For example: If someone has commandeered both a Rocket Launcher and the Invisibility power-up, the correct term to describe their actions would be "dooka-dooka." 5. If one player leaps from a highly elevated area unto an unsuspecting enemy beneath him, preferably brandishing a high-powered weapon of some sort, his actions should be referred to as a "kwei" (pronounced Ka-Wee). 6. There are two methods of intimidation that are key ingredients in winning. First, you can spread the word of your superiority, striking fear in the hearts of NooBs everywhere. 7. If putting yourself on a pedestal isn�t your style, there is another option; let your skills do the talking. Entering a tournament as an unknown and quickly taking over is very intimidating. 8. A nice variation on the second option involves using a deathly silence throughout the entire match. Less is more. 9. Visually, your team must represent your attitude. Nobody will take you seriously if you�re donning smiley-face t-shirts and purple umbrellas. Then again, if that�s your attitude� more power to you, I guess. 10. Don�t hold back on your first game; make them your *expletive slang for a female dog*, using them as an examples for future opponents. Trust me; winning by 44 kills in a 50 kill game works wonders for the reputation. 11. Continue to win by the largest margin possible, and, if necessary, one-up yourself while destroying the competition. 12. Don�t talk smack during the matches; simply beat them within an inch of their virtual lives. If they think that you�re unbeatable, you are. 13. An important piece of the puzzle involves keeping a careful eye on both the progress of your opponents as well as the judges. 14. If your competition starts trying to bend the rules in their favor, fight back with a bloody vengeance. 15. Just because you�re better than the others doesn�t mean that you don�t deserve a fair fight. Keep things in check, and everything should be fine. 16. After winning the whole enchilada (which you�d better do after reading this�), you should carefully measure the amount of verbal abuse to administer. Don�t be a pansy; you earned the right to talk a little. 17. Use phrases suck as, "What�s that, second place?" or "I�m sorry, I don�t speak Loser" or "There�s still an opening in our groupie slot�" 18. After you�re done marking your territory, retrieve the spoils and bask in your glory; you�ve earned it. 19. Riding off into the sunset, your group must remain dignified. The only vehicle worthy of your majesty is something resembling a 91� Ford Conversion van. Now that�s riding in style� 20. As a final act of supremacy, take a tiny sip of your beverage ("One for me�"), give the losers a soul-crushing glare, and then proceed to whip your drink at the ground, stating, "�and one for my homies�" |