Title: Time Stands Still
Author: Brandy Leigh
Disclaimer: John Doggett and Monica Reyes don't belong to me, they belong to 
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Networks. I'm not making any money off 
of this, so don't sue me!
Feedback: DUH! Gimme! brandyb@exis.net
Archive: Gossamer, yes. Anyone else, please ask first!
Keywords: Doggett/Reyes romance, MSR mentioned; post episode
Rating: PG-13 for language
Spoilers: Empedocles, NIHT, 4-D
Summary: 'Will I now, after all these years, finally admit to him what I feel? 
Can I, or is it too late for us...?'
Authors notes: God knows why, but I'm on a DRR trip... I've been on it every 
since 4-D aired, man. I just read about four DRR stories 'cause I was buggin' 
out, and now I've gotta write my own! So like, what will they call us? 
Drippers? Rippers? Ah heck, I dunno... Either way, count me in!




Time Stands Still (1/?)
by: Brandy Leigh


~*~

Things have never really been easy for John, even before the death of his son. 
He and his wife never really got along, not that they showed it. They put on a 
facade for the whole world, but I saw through it. I saw through to John's 
pain...

I was one of the few people that could understand John Doggett. There was a 
barrier around his soul and he was determined to never let anyone in. Somehow 
though, I managed to work my way down into his very being. He'd never even 
have to tell me what was wrong, I could always see it in his eyes.

That was one of the things that was special about my relationship with John. 
We were more than friends... Never lovers, but sometimes I think he might have 
wished it. I know the thought crosses my mind every now and then, even more so 
now that we're working together on the X-Files.

I see John everyday, and everyday I wish I could just hold him and make all of 
his pain go away. He's never gotten over losing Luke, and frankly neither have 
I. I almost felt as if I was his own mother, or atleast someone close. When we 
came upon his body in that field... I knew it was going to break the both of 
us.

We've always been each other's strong point, even before his wife left him. We 
grew closer over the years, and my feelings for him have grown. And now that I 
almost lost him to the madness of this world, I fear for what may come of us. 
Will I now, after all these years, finally admit to him what I feel? Can I, or 
is it too late for us...?

I can only wait.


~*~


Monica... Why do my thoughts keep drifting back to her? It's like there's a 
string in my mind, and everytime I start to think of something else it pulls 
me back to the image of her face. Her black hair frames her jaw perfectly, 
flowing in the wind as it whips up behind her...

I sigh.

Too many emotions and confusing thoughts for this lonely FBI agent to deal 
with. Every since she's been back I don't know what to do with myself. I 
thought if I left everything would become clear, but it seems that life was 
twice as hard without her in it. But, now that I have her back, what now?

I've always been one to cut through the bullshit and come right out and say 
what I think, but with Monica, things are different. She makes me feel... like 
a kid again. Not in a bad way, no not at all, but... It's like I don't have a 
care in the world. She makes me appreciate the finer things in life.

It's always been this way, even before Luke's mom up and left us one night. I 
felt closer to Monica than I ever did with my wife, and that almost scares me. 
It's like we have a connection deep down inside that I can't even begin to 
explain. She's always been there for me, especially when Luke died.

If she hadn't been there for me after we found him in that field, I don't know 
what I would have done. I take that back, I know exactly what I would have 
done. My grave would have been lined up right next to my son's. I thank Monica 
with every fiber of my being for keeping me here and keeping me sane.

Monica helped me realize that my life may have been shit, but Luke would want 
me to go on, to find the bastard that did this to him. Maybe with Monica's 
help, just maybe, I can. Someday I know we will. But for now I just need her 
by my side, to keep me sane now that she's brought me back to the living. 
Right now, that's all I need... or is it?

Once again, I am lost...


~*~


When John left, I knew it was just because he needed time. We had begun 
getting close after Luke died, and I think it was just too soon for him. I 
should have known, and maybe in the back of my mind I did, but the past is the 
past. We must now live in the present and try to move on.

I sometimes wonder if it would still be too soon to tell John how I feel, what 
he means to me. But like I mentioned earlier, it already feels like it may be 
too late. For once in my life I feel completely lost, and I have no clue what 
to do or say. John has a way of doing that to me, no matter what the situation 
may be. I'm still trying to figure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

When I used to look at Mulder and Scully before Mulder left, I saw how happy 
they were together and wished I could have that with John. I could see that 
Mulder was in just as much pain as John, if not more. Still, somehow, he and 
Scully managed to make things work out. If only Mulder hadn't had to leave 
Scully and little William behind, I'm sure things would be almost perfect with 
them.

John and Mulder have alot in common weither they want to admit it or not. 
They're both stubborn, brilliant, handsome men, and both have been deeply 
scarred by dark and painful pasts. They have both lost many people in their 
lives... and they both are so blind to see those around them that care. Mulder 
finally opened his eyes to see, now could it be John's turn?

But do I even have the strength to tell him? I think deep down he may know, 
but if I never tell him, how can he be sure? How can *I* be sure until I can 
say the words myself? I've always called myself strong, but no one is strong 
when it comes to love... Not even those who stare evil in the eyes every day 
could prepare themselves for the sting of love.

Maybe the only way to make it happen is to dive head first. Screw the world, 
screw those who are against us. There is only us, and there is only now. If 
I'm going to do it at all, *now* is the time. 

Enough arguing with myself, it's time to jump.

I pick up the phone and dial John's number, fully aware of the tremble that's 
going to be present in my voice. I close my eyes and halfway pray for the 
answering machine. I am greeted by the opposite as John picks up and answers 
my call...

"Hello...?"

~*~
End Part 1
~*~

Part 2
~*~

"Hello...?"

"John, it's me."

"Monica? What's wrong?"

The alarm and concern in his voice makes me cringe. He probably thinks some 
unearthly tragedy has occurred.

"Nothing... well, nothing serious."

"What is it? Are you okay?"

"Do you think you could come over? Just for a little while..."

"Of course, I'll be right there."

I let out a sigh of relief. Nothing else needs to be said between us, so I 
hang up. I know he'll probably break every speed limit getting here; I just 
hope he doesn't wreck his car.

The last time I called John in the middle of the night and asked him to come 
over I'd just found my birth parents. I'd been searching for them for nearly 
my whole life... I wanted to know why they gave me up, why they didn't want 
me. When I finally found them I didn't know what to do and I was scared. So, I 
called John, and he came.

We were up practically the whole night talking and lying out the pros and cons 
of me calling them. Finally, the cons won out. It had been thirty some odd 
years since they had left me in Texas, I'd made out just fine in Mexico, and 
now I was grown and I was my own person. I didn't need them back in my life... 
I didn't want to have to deal with that.

There are many other times that John was there for me, and vice versa. I don't 
know what I'd do if I ever lost him again. I almost did, and it scared the 
shit out of me. I know that if I do tell him how I feel tonight, I'm going to 
tell him what happened.

For some reason he doesn't remember the events that occurred just two days 
ago, no one does. I'm the only one that remembers being told that my partner 
had been shot in the back and was lying, paralyzed, in a hospital bed. I can 
still see him there in that bed, and I can still recall with a sickening 
clarity as he told me the only way to save him was to pull the plug...

He's probably going to think I'm crazy, but frankly I don't care. I know what 
happened and I know that I never want to let him out of my sight again. I'm 
not going to lose John Doggett now, not after we've come so far...

There's a knock at the door; I have no more time to muse. It's now or never.

~*~

I'm standing in front of her door, not sure what to expect. I'm almost scared 
to think of what might be wrong. Monica's been so touchy the past few days... 
Every since the other day when she just broke down and tears and grabbed me 
into a big hug, it's like she's expecting someone to shoot me down at any 
moment. She won't even let me walk to my car without making sure she's right 
there beside me. I don't think she's ever been more alert.

Yesterday, when we were getting ready to walk down into the parking lot at 
work, a cat scurried across the concrete from under my car. Monica jumped 
nearly five feet, drew her gun, and was about two seconds from blowing the 
poor cat's head off. I reassured her that it wasn't Bin Ladakitty. Atleast she 
laughed.

So now I wait for her to answer... here she comes. The door opens, and I take 
a good look at her. She looks just as she has for the past few days, except 
she seems more unsure. What in God's name happened to her to make her this 
way? Monica has always been a strong, independent person who has always been 
sure of what she was going to do and what she was going to say. This is not my 
Monica.

Whoa, boy... *My* Monica? Now I know I'm goin' nuts...

"Hey John... thanks for coming."

"It's no problem."

She steps aside so that I can walk in, so I do. I shrug off my jacket and hang 
it on the coat rack next to her door. When I turn back to her, she won't look 
at me.

"Alright, what is it, Mon? You know, you've got me really worried. You have 
for the past few days. It's like you haven't been yourself."

"I'm sorry John... it's just-" She looks up at me and stops.

"What? It's just what?"

She says nothing, just walks towards me until we're just inches apart. She 
looks up at me, and peers into my eyes. I'm trapped where I stand by her 
intense gaze...

"Monica?"

"I'm tired of doing this, John. I'm tired of the two of us acting like there's 
nothing between us. God knows how long I've loved you, but I've never had the 
guts to say it. Not until I almost lost you... John, I was so scared. And 
damnit, you don't even remember!"

Her words shock me. She loves me? So long she can't even remember? I almost 
can't get past that sentence to realize what else she's said.

"Almost lost me? What are you talking about?"

"Two days ago, John." She says, accenting every word. "You came to my 
apartment to bring me a polish sausage as a housewarming gift."

"Yeah, I remember that."

"I went into the other room to get plates, and while I was in there AD Skinner 
called me. He told me that you had been shot, and that you were lying in a 
hospital room. I told him how crazy that was, because you were just in the 
other room. But you weren't John. You were gone."

"I think I missed that part," I say, completely shocked.

"Just shut up, John, I need to say this."

"Alright..."

She takes a deep breath and continues. "When I got there, Agent Scully told me 
you... that if you made it... you'd be paralyzed."

I noticed her eyes have begun to well up, and a few tears have managed to find 
their way down her cheek. I reach up and lightly brush them away, but it only 
makes her cry harder.

"You regained consciousness and were able to tell us what was wrong through 
Morris code with a machine designed for paralysis patients. You told me that 
you had seen me die, that my throat had been cut. After talking with you 
further I realized that it really wasn't you, that it was a John from a 
parallel universe. She pauses and checks to make sure I'm still following her. 
The look she gives me almost dares me to say she's crazy.

"Go on," is all I say.

"I told 'you' my theory, and of course you thought I was nuts."

"I would never think-" I stop when she glares at me.

"But... you came to believe me. You said two Doggies can't be in one world... 
that to save you, I had to kill you." She pauses, and wipes at her tears as if 
they were stubborn.

"Of course I refused! I thought the idea was crazy, and that you just wanted 
to end your suffering. But then, you asked me if I believed my own theory... 
You got me thinking, John. After that, I knew what I had to do."

"Oh, Mon..."

"I had to do it, John. It was the only way. But I was so afraid it wouldn't 
work! I... I had to watch you..." She can't finish the sentence. I pull her 
into my arms.

"Shh... it's okay. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"

She pulls back from me and looks up at me angrily. "No, it's not okay! I 
watched you *die* John! How was I supposed to know it would work? For all I 
know, I could have been the one who killed you!"

"But you didn't! If what you say is true, you saved me! Don't you see that? I 
wouldn't be alive today if you hadn't done what you did!"

I think I've gotten through to her, because suddenly a look of realization 
passes over her face. She looks me right in the eyes, and stares.

~*~

Could I really have saved him...? I must have, because he's standing right in 
front of me. I look up into his eyes, and I carefully study his face. Does he 
even believe what I'm rambling on about? Does it even matter? Does anything 
really matter beyond the fact that he's here right now and he doesn't seem to 
be going anywhere? Nevertheless, I have to ask.

"Do you even believe me, or do you think I'm crazy?"

John looks at me like I've just offended him, then raises his hands to place 
them on my arms. "Monica, listen to me very carefully. I sometimes question 
the things you tell me only because I may have a hard time understanding them, 
but I would *never* think you were crazy. You hear me? Never." He heavily 
accents his last word.

I don't say anything right away, I just nod slowly. I know my eyes are welling 
up again, and I feel completely idiotic. Here I am going on and on about 
something that I know makes me sound like a psycho, and I keep breaking down 
and crying like a baby every five minutes. I cast my eyes down to the floor 
and intently study my new shoes.

"Hey..." John says softly in response to my new tears. He brings his hand up 
to my chin and forces me to look into his eyes again. "Don't do this, huh?" He 
gives me one of his best smiles. "If you're down in the dumps, who'll be there 
to pick me up off my ass when I fall?"

I can't help but let out a slight laugh. John may not be the funniest man 
alive, but he always knows what to say to make me feel better when I'm feeling 
the worst. I smile at him. I smile to let him know that I'm okay, and I smile 
to let him know that I know he believes me and trusts in what I say even if he 
doesn't think it's right.

I love this man, I honestly do.

I open my mouth to tell him how I feel, and this time I'm going to be straight 
forward. I may have already said I loved him, but it was followed by the 
rantings of a madwoman. John needs to know what I truly feel. He needs to know 
that I am completely and madly in love with him...

Suddenly, before I can speak, his mouth descends on mine. I have no choice but 
to respond... he's taken me completely by surprise. Butterflies arise in my 
stomach and I melt into his arms. This has to be what it feels like to be in 
the presence of angels...

I am completely... and madly... in love...

~*~
End Part 2
~*~
Time Stands Still (3/3)
by: Brandy Leigh
~*~

It’s been so long since I've held a woman like this and kissed
her with this much love. I've known for quite some time that I
was in love with Monica, but saying it or acting on it was
somehow out of the question. I guess I was just waiting for the
right moment to make my move, and I guess this moment seemed to
be the perfect one.

I don't know what made me so bold as to kiss her, but I did. I
know she was getting ready to tell me something, probably
something very important, but I couldn't help it. I'd been
watching her lips since the moment she began telling me her
story. I listened to her words which filled me with love as well
as saddened me. Once she was done I knew what I had to do.

Now that I'm kissing her I know I'll never be able to go back. No
matter what else happens tonight I know I won't be able to forget
the words she said or what she means to me. I don't plan on
rushing into anything tonight, but it the inevitable were to
happen, I wouldn't mind at all. I love this woman with all my
soul, and I plan on giving her my heart, body, and my mind.

I slowly deepen the kiss and slide my hands to her waist. She
responds my locking her arms around my neck and pulling me
closer. I can't help but wonder what force of God has kept me
from doing this for so long. I also can't help but wonder what in
God's name ever propelled me to leave this woman so many years
ago. I must have been crazy... but never again. I will never
again leave the arms of the one I love.

It takes a few moments for Monica to finally pull away and look
up at me. I study her face for a moment to try and figure out
exactly what she's thinking. I can tell she's happy about what
just happened, but I can also tell that she's not too sure that
all of this is real. I'm guessing that she's doing her best right
now to frame this moment in her mind, so that whenever she may
get the urge she can just call it up and remember it all exactly
as it happened. That's one of the things I love about her.

I smile at her lightly and brush a stray strand of hair from her
face. We're still very close and I can feel the heat radiating
off of her body. It takes all of my will power not to pull her to
me roughly and kiss her again. I know there's still something she
needs to say, and I don't want to keep her from saying it.
Whatever it is, I know it's important.

I place my hand back on her waist and look down at her beautiful
face. Softly, I speak.

"Now, what is it you wanted to say?"

She laughs lightly at my ability to jump so quickly back into
conversation after my physical outburst. It takes her a moment,
but she finally gives me the answer I was secretly hoping for.

"I just wanted to say... that I love you. I know I said it before
I went off on my tantrum, but I needed to say it again. I needed
to let you know for sure that I meant it and that I don't just
mean I 'care for you'. I'm in love with you John, and I have been
for a long time. Even back before Luke died... I guess I just
didn't want to admit it, or either it wasn't the right time. I
don't know, and frankly I don't care. All I know is that I can
accept it now, and I need to know, John. I need to know if you
love me too."

"God, Monica... How could you even doubt it? How could you think
for even a second that I'm not in love with you? I've tried so
many times to tell you but it's just never come out right. I
guess I just never had the balls. But hearing you say the words
to me makes all that time worth while. All the tears and fears and
angry words and loving glances... they were all worth this very
moment. Yes, I love you Monica. I knew from the moment you took
me into your arms in that field that I could never stop loving
you. Not even for a *second*."

And now I'm greeted with yet more tears... but this time it
doesn't hurt me to see them, because I know that she's not crying
out of pain or suffering or fear, but out of love. I know that
this is just the beginning of a very long and perfect
relationship. I can see it in her eyes, the love that will never
die, and I know that love is reflected in my own.

I'm doing my best to do what I know Monica is doing. I'm trying
my hardest to make time stand still, so this moment will never be
lost. I want to live in this point in time for the rest of my
life. I want to replay it over and over again so I can feel the
joy of finding out for the first time how much I mean to her
every day. I want to always be able to remember the way she felt
in my arms, and how it felt to kiss her. The way her lips moved
against mine... the way her tongue gently stroked mine...

For just this point in time, there is no world. There is no hate
or violence or fear, only us. Only this. 

For once, I am free...

~*~

~*~Two weeks later~*~

There's nothing much more to do now... I've told John how I feel,
and he's told me how he feels. The only thing left to do, is
live. Live... and love. With John by my side, I know we can do
anything. We've been denied this for so long, but no more. I have
a feeling that our work on the X-Files will improve as a result
of this move. That is, as long as "mother superior" doesn't find
out. I know that if Kersh were to discover the way things are
going between us, he'd have the X-Files shut down so fast we'd
break our necks trying to pick up the pieces. But sometimes, life
is worth the risk.

These past two weeks have been the most incredible that I've ever
known. I hope that these next few months, even years, will be
just as fruitful. I enjoy every moment I spend with John... I
don't think I've ever been this happy. If he could do this much
to me within two weeks, I can't help but wonder where we'll be in
another five or six years. All I know is that the future looks
very bright, and I'm more than happy to step into the light.

I said once before than no one can prepare themselves for the
sting of love, which is very true... to an extent. Your heart
burns with the fear that something may happen to the one you
love, that the minutes you are spending with them might very well
be their last. The last time you made love may very well be the
last time. Then, you begin to realize that if you live your life
in that fear, it will start to eat you alive. It will tear at
your soul until it has worried it raw. The only way to escape
this is to realize that yes, your lover might die at any moment,
but so may you. You can't live your life wondering when that
moment may be. You have to relish in what you have, and enjoy it
while you can. Only then will you be able to truly understand the
love that you hold so dear... the love that burns you to the
core...

I hope that I can keep this in mind as John and I take the next
step in our relationship. We've come so far to let it all just
slip away. As I said, there's only one thing left to do...

I slowly close my eyes, and step into the light...

~*~
FIN!
~*~
Authors notes: I know, I know! I keep ya'll waiting for a month
and then I give you a really short part. I'm sorry! This is just
how it came out... But don't worry, I totally plan on writing a
sequel to this piece. Be on the lookout for it very soon. And
this time, I'm serious! Lots of love!

P.s. Feedback is much loved at brandyb@exis.net! Buh bye, now!!!