Title: Outside

Author: Juliet Lovatt

Rating: PG..... I think

Classification: Angst, various character POV'S- DRR UST

Summary:  "I'll always love her, but I'm not in love with her"

Spoilers: This Is Not Happening

Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine

Feedback: Yes please!  E-Mail- jules@haveaniceday.co.uk

Archive- Anywhere just ask me first!

Authors Note-I wrote this after seeing TiNH but just didn't think about posting
it until now.  2/1/02

******

"And you can bring me to my knees,
  all the times that I've cried, all this wasting, it's all inside
 And I feel all this pain...stuffed it down. It's back again."-Stain'd- Outside

******

She's back. Monica Reyes, I asked for her help. A few years ago I couldn't even
look at her without feeling guilt or remorse. I couldn't look at her and not
think of Luke. I remember how we met; she was brought in to help with Luke's
kidnapping. At first I thought she was just a flake, an oddball.

I never thought she'd actually find him.

I never thought she'd be the one I'd go to for comfort. But then the guilt
kicked in. The guilt over his death. Of course I blamed myself. She told me not
to blame myself. So I found myself blaming her instead. She was the only person
who would talk to me, and I pushed her away. I pushed her away and didn't see or
hear from her for months. I didn't try to make contact with her. I was afraid.
Afraid of hearing the truth.

That my son had died and there was not a damm thing I could have done to prevent
it. I was on the outside, and there was nothing I could do.

I never found my way to her. She always managed to find her way to me though.
She showed up at my apartment some months later. She was being transferred back
to New Orleans. She didn't go into specifics. And she went back. And I was
pushed to the outside again.

I'll always love her, but I'm not in love with her. I hope she knows I'll always
love her. I hope she feels the same way. I was inside her life again, and now
I've dragged her into this world.

So she's back.....I asked for her help. I need her. Need her to keep her sane
through all of this. She's the only one who understands. Scully now understands.
Mulder's dead. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. She now understands the pain
of losing of the one thing you love most in the world. She didn't go through it
with me like Monica did. This case.  Its brings to the surface all of my
feelings about Luke. But I don't want them back. I repress. I'm a typical man,
hiding my emotions until they overflow. Life overflows, but life isn't short.
It's long. The crap times are long, and the happy times; well they never last.
Its damm long.

I can still hear Scully crying as I sit in my trailer. I don't even know what
I'm doing here. Mulder was a great agent, but today Scully lost her lover, not
her partner. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I've never lost an
agent before. I don't know whether to go and see her. I was in charge of them;
they were my pair of agents. I know what Kersh would say. He would remind me
that the FBI was a professional place-No place for feelings- Bastard. I dread
the next morning meeting with him. It was a shock when she came to my trailer
the other night. She said she had a bad dream, she just needed some comfort.
Then she told me that they were lovers. I had my suspicions of those two, but I
never thought she'd admit it. I got the first clue when she said she was
pregnant. They should have told me, but they choose to exclude me. To push me to
the outside.

 I don't know what John wants me to do. He brought me in to help but he could
have explained the situation first. He left a few valuable details out, like the
fact that Mulder and Scully were involved. I had a feeling that Skinner didn't
find out the easy way either. I sympathize with Scully, it isn't easy to have
inter-office relationships, they always fail. Take Brad and me. I was seeing him
for 2 years. He was my supervisor at the New York field Office. I had to
transfer to New Orleans; it got way to serious for me.  I'm pretty sure that
John has a soft spot for Agent Scully. I have noticed the way that he looks at
her. His eyes full of sorrow. For her, for Mulder, for himself.
I couldn't believe what I saw today; it was like deja vu, with history
repeating, whatever you want to call it. It was just like Luke, I think that's
why he want's me here. Luke was a shared experience. All the emotions that he
went through with Luke are back again. I can feel them. I don't know why I'm
here. Its Scully, Skinner and John. I'm on the outside. I'm the outsider,
telling them how to feel.
I just tell myself it's just another case, but it's eerily similar.

Luke my son. Goddammit, seven's no age to die is it? I look at the picture of my
son as tears fall down my face. There's a knock on the door. Its Monica. She
takes one look at me, and concern fills her eyes. I take her hand. Christ, I'd
do anything for her. But I can't speak, I'm afraid too. She envelops me into a
hug and all I can feel are her warm arms around me.
And if we're on the outside, then we're on the outside together.