Title: I Don’t Want to Lose You Again
Author:Sarah
Category: DRR
Disclaimer: None of the Characters are from my own
imagination.  All credit is given to Chris Carter and
the writers of The X-Files.
Authors Note: This story takes place after the John
Doe episode.


  The sun barely peers through the blinds on the old
motel window.  It seems so warm yet she is so cold.
She struggles to keep her breathing at a normal pace.
She’s dreaming.  She wanted to die when he asked her
what his son’s name was.  How old is he?  Lies crossed
through her mind, but she had never been untruthful to
him before so why start now.  To keep him from finding
out all over again.  To keep him from feeling the pain
he had once known...the pain he still keeps with him
but won’t let out.  The look on his face sliced
through her chest like the cold metal of a knife. She
couldn’t comfort him like she had done once before.
There was no time.  He had to live it all over again
and now she was doomed to do the same.....in her
dreams.  She struggles to wake up but the images of
Luke’s body haunt her.  But in her dreams there seems
to be something more, something even worse than what
she had witnessed in real life.  There lying beside
the child’s lifeless body was his father.  Is this
real?  She reaches out to John’s bruised face.  Maybe
she thought she could bring him back with her touch.
She calls out his name in her sleep.  She is screaming
but she seems to have no voice.  Louder she thought,
maybe if I scream louder I will wake up.  Her eyes
jerk open as she screams his name.  Her blurred vision
took in the sights of the old motel room.  For an
instant she had no recollection of where she was but
suddenly her memories hit her as she wiped the sleep
from her weary eyes.  It was all a dream, and she
thanked God that it was.  Something still felt wrong,
she felt like someone was watching her, she felt his
presence and she knew those ice blue eyes were
studying her while she dreamt.  Her eyes darted around
the room and as she rolled over she saw him.

“Holy shit, John!  You scared me” she hissed, her
voice full of sleepiness.

“I’m sorry Monica I didn’t mean to scare you” the
vaguest hint of a smile crossed his lips.

‘Oh God, did he hear me calling his name?’ ‘What would
he say, would he ask what she was dreaming about?’ she
thought wildly to herself.

Before she got carried away with her thoughts she
remembered that his blue eyes were fixed upon hers
waiting for the question he knew she would ask.

“John, what’s wrong?  What are you doing?” She stared
at him with her brown eyes full of worry.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied after a moment of
thinking, “I’ve just got some things on my mind.”

“Like what?” she pried. And as soon as the words left
her mouth she cursed herself and bit her lower lip
trying to think of a way to fix what she had said.
She knew what he was thinking, how could she have been
so stupid as to ask.  He was thinking of his son and
she knew it. She just prayed he wouldn’t answer.

“Monica,  I know I don’t have to answer.  I know you
can already tell.  you know me too well, you always
have.”

She quietly sighed in relief as she relaxed.

“I’m sorry I asked.”

“Don’t be.” he said as he rubbed his large strong
hands over his face and stopped at his temples to try
and massage the pain away.

“Did you get any sleep last night John?” she blurted
quickly, trying to change the subject.

“No, not really.  My memories are slowly coming back
to me and my head hurts so damn bad.”

“Want me to get you some aspirin?” she asked caringly.

“Nah, I’ve taken everything imaginable and nothing
seems to work.”

Monica studies his face.  He looks so tired with
blood-shot eyes and bruises.  He desperately needs a
shave but she doesn’t mind.  She wants to hold him and
make the pain go away.  So many thoughts cross her
mind, thoughts of John Doggett she has never had
before.  She tries to push them back and bury them
deep down where they have been hiding for so long.
She snaps out of her daydreams and realizes she is
still a motel room with John and there is an awkward
silence that fills the air.  She finds his gaze
slightly unnerving and she decides she must get out of
the room so she can sort through her feelings and
figure out what the hell is going on.

“Uh, well, I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick and
when I get out we can talk, or whatever.  We need to
head out soon.  They are expecting us back in D.C.
today.” after the words leave her mouth she realizes
how fast she was speaking and how nervous she must
look to him.  She thinks he surely knows something is
up with her.

He nods and leans his head back against the chair.
He’s obviously not got her hint that she is
uncomfortable, and he decides to stay until she gets
out of the shower.

In the silence of the room Monica rises and remembers
she is still in her tank top and panties. ‘Holy shit
what do I do??’ He can’t see her like this. She
quickly eyes the bathroom and then him.  It seems
miles away and he will surely see her.  It seems wrong
to her to be in her underwear in the same room with
her partner.  Then she reminds herself that they are
more than partners, they are best friends that have
been through so much together.
She gets up the nerve and slips the covers from her
body.  She stands up and as gracefully as she can
starts heading for the shower.  She feels her heart
beating fast as she starts walking.  Suddenly
something has her foot and she realizes that she is
tangled in the covers.  She stumbles but catches
herself before she goes down.  She shakes the sheets
from her foot and darts towards the bathroom hoping
that John didn’t see her.

He suppresses his laughter because he knew she was
embarrassed.  He knows she is wondering what he was
doing in her room.  He wasn’t even completely sure
himself.  He just knew that when he started
remembering her he got the strangest feelings.  He
finally realized how much she has cared for him.
Before he was blind to it because he was too scared to
see it.  He was too scared to see that she has
feelings for him, and that he too had the same
feelings for her.  She had always taken care of him
since the day they met and he took it all for granted.
 But now he was ready to tell her how he felt.  He was
too scared he would lose it all again.  He just had to
figure out how to tell her.

‘What is he doing in my room’ Monica thought as the
water hit her body.  She was lost in the feeling of
the warm water on her naked body and the feeling of
John being in the next room.  She had to tell him how
she was feeling because she was scared she would lose
him again.  So she gathered all the words in her head
on stepped out of the shower and dried herself off.
She stared into the mirror as a smile made its way to
her face.  The thought of telling John how she feels
has her stomach tied up in knots but she still can’t
resist smiling.  She runs her fingers through her wet
hair and then dabs perfume on each side of her neck.
She slips on her tank top and a pair of short boxers.
She takes a deep breath and prepares herself.  She
opens the door and enters the room where John is still
sitting in the chair staring up at the ceiling. She
sits on the edge of the bed with her knees touching
his. The warmth from her body gives him chills.

‘God she looks wonderful’ he thinks to himself.

“John, I.....”

“Monica....”

They interrupt each other and they both laugh
nervously while insisting the other speak first.

He breathes her scent in deeply as he begins talking.

“Monica, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately.”

At that moment her eyes get huge and she could swear
her heart stopped
beating, and John noticed.

“I know we’re partners and all,” he continues “but I
have finally realized how much you mean to me. You’ve
always been there for me even when I pushed you away.
I just wanted to say thank you, Monica.”

With her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide she
replies “John, You’ve read my mind.”

“I was going to tell you the exact thing.” she says as
she flashes him a shy smile.

“Seriously?” he says hoarsely.

“Yeah, except....” she trails off

“Except what, Monica?”

She opens her mouth but nothing comes out.

“Monica........” he cups her face in his hands “tell
me, please?”

“You read my mind except for one thing.”

“What’s that?” he says with her face still cupped in
his hands.

“This.....”

She leans in and brushes her lips against his.

He pulls away from her kiss, which makes her uneasy.
His intense blue eyes look deep into hers, as she
fears the worst.

“I was hoping you‘d say that”

She lets out a sigh of relief and stares back at him.
Making her brown eyed gaze as intense as his.



THE END

Please Send all feedback (hopefully not hate mail) to
NotSureImAwake@yahoo.com  And keep in mind that this
is the first Fanfic I have EVER written.  I hope you
enjoyed it.