Title: Letting Go and Moving On
Author: Shannon
E-mail: swalker0529@excite.com
Rating: PG
Summary: After some time on the beach, true feelings 
are finally revealed.
Spoilers: "Release"


I watched as Barbara and John stood on the beach.  
The waves were crashing in and soaking their shins 
and shoes.  They stood there for some time motionless.  
Standing close, but not touching at all.  I wanted to 
be down there with him, and holding on to him.  
Offering the support, I knew he needed.  But, Luke 
was not my son.  I could not bring myself to intrude 
on their moment.  So I watched from a distance.  My 
eyes filled with tears as I watched John scatter his 
son's ashes into the ocean.  I thought of what John 
and Barbara must be feeling now as they watch the 
ashes scatter into the wind and into the ocean waves.  
For them at least their son's murder had been solved, 
but the pain of losing a son would never go away.

I saw Barbara start to slowly walk away from the 
water's edge and from John.  She was heading back to 
her car that was parked next to mine.  I wiped away 
the tears that were forming in my eyes and walked 
back and leaned against my car.  I suddenly felt 
like I needed some solid support. I also felt like 
an intruder, an intruder on a moment between John 
and his ex-wife.  I was unsure of whether Barbara 
felt resentment for me being there.

As Barbara was getting in her call, she finally looked 
at me.  Her face looked pained and tired, yet there was 
some relief that seemed to radiate from her.  "Monica," 
she said in a low, raspy voice.  "John is very 
fortunate to have someone like you there to support him 
through all of this.  I just hope that he is able to 
realize what he has."  With that she gave me a slight 
smile and got in her car and drove away.

I did not really know what to say, so I just watched 
her leave.  At least she did not resent my presence 
here.

I thought back to the day before when John approached 
me about going along with him today.  He had arrived 
on my doorstep late in the evening.  I knew he had not 
been home or had eaten anything most of the day.  His 
face was lined with fatigue and tension.  His clothes 
were pretty wrinkled, and his tie was undone.  I had 
not heard anything from him since the guy who killed 
his son had been shot by A.D. Follmer.  I wanted to 
be there for him, to be there if he wanted to talk, 
but it is really hard to do that when you don't know 
where he is.  I ushered him into my apartment and 
pushed him down onto the couch.

"John, are you alright?" I asked, afraid of what his 
answer might be.

"Yeah, ah, Monica, Barbara and I are planning on going 
to shore tomorrow to spread Luke's ashes, "he said 
softly, a lump beginning to form in the back of his 
throat.  "I'd really like for you to come along with me.  
I really don't want to do this alone."  His eyes looked 
up at her pleadingly.

I sat down next to him and took his hands in mine.  
"You won't have to go through this alone.  I will be 
right there.  I will always be there for you."  I 
squeezed his hands tighter in an effort to reinforce 
what I was saying.  I could feel my eyes welling up 
with tears that I fought to keep from falling.

"I know", he said, a half smile beginning to form on 
his lips. His smile disappeared as he pulled me into 
his embrace.  We sat there holding on to each for a 
long time.  It seemed almost that time had stood still 
for us.  If the situation had been different, I would 
have spilled my guts and confessed my undying love for 
this man, and told him how I could not live without 
him anymore, and how I wanted to take all of his pain 
away.  Instead, I just hugged him tighter.  This 
definitely was not the right time.  Confessing my true 
feelings would only make the situation more complicated, 
and right now, he did not need that extra stress.

I settled back against the car again, lost in thought.  
I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.  John 
was starting to walk back towards me.  I took a few 
small steps towards him trying to determine how he was 
doing and what he was thinking.  I did not want to 
intrude or force myself on him.

His eyes met mine, and he stopped in his tracks.  His 
face was a mixture of pain, regret, relief, sorrow, 
and something else.  It seemed like hope.  My eyes 
started to fill with tears once more.  Before I knew 
it he had cleared the distance between us and had 
enveloped me with his strong arms into another embrace.  
My arms went around his neck as he pressed his face 
into my shoulder and hair.  Tears were escaping from 
his eyes because I felt the warm droplets falling onto 
my neck and shoulder.  I just held on as tightly as I 
could.  Words did not seem like they would fit the 
situation, so I said nothing.  I felt myself starting 
to be overcome with sadness and emotion, but I did not 
want to lose it now.  I had to be strong for John.  I 
could cry my eyes out later.  I squeezed my eyes shut 
and concentrated on holding him.  It felt really good 
to be in his arms and to be holding him.  A twinge of 
regret went through me.  I shouldn't be even having 
thoughts like this about him.  He was my partner, but 
I can't lie to myself too much longer.  I'm in love 
with him.  I have been trying to bide my time in an 
attempt to determine if he feels the same for me.  I 
definitely don't want to screw up our partnership by 
telling him I have feelings for him when there was a 
good chance he just thought of me as a good friend.  
I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind for now 
and concentrated on the present situation.

We must have stood there holding on to each other for 
quite awhile.  The sun was starting to set in the sky.  
John pulled back slightly so he could see my face, but
did not loosen his hold on me.  "Monica", he said in 
a hushed tone.  "Let's walk awhile on the beach.  I 
want to remember the good times for a change."

I smiled and nodded slightly indicating my approval.  
He loosened his hold on me, but caught my right hand 
in his left, and we interlocked fingers.  It was such 
a simple gesture, but it sent a tingling sensation 
down my spine.  For a moment, our eyes met.  There was 
something there in his eyes that I had not seen before.  
It seemed like it was look of contentment, or perhaps 
affection.  A slight smile spread across his lips, and 
I found myself smiling back at him.  Whatever the look 
was, I liked it, and could very easily get lost in it.  
I wondered for a moment if he knew what kind of effect
he had over me.  I started to feel uncomfortable.  
What if he realized what feelings I had for him right 
now?  It was definitely not appropriate to delve into 
those regions here at the same place he said goodbye 
to his son.  He had enough to worry and be concerned 
with.  I felt my cheeks getting hotter hoping I was 
not too transparent.  I looked out towards the ocean 
waves crashing into the shore breaking the spell.

"It is so beautiful out here", I managed to choke out.

I could tell that John was still looking at me.  "Yeah, 
it sure is."

Then he turned and we started to walk along the beach 
together hand in hand.  John told me of times when he 
had taken Luke to the beach.  He recounted many 
stories about ball games and other shared special 
times he had had with his son.  I watched him as he 
talked.  He had a bittersweet smile on his face the 
whole time.  At times, we laughed together over what 
he had said, and other times, we cried.

We sat on the beach looking out towards the water for 
awhile, still holding hands.  The sun had long since 
set and the moon was shining high above us.  I had 
forgotten how dark it gets along the beach.  It was a 
bit eerie, but knowing John was right beside somehow 
made me feel more at ease.  I hated for this to end, 
but I knew that we should probably be heading back 
home soon.

I squeezed his hand.  "John, we probably should try 
and find our way back to the car.  It is getting 
pretty late."  In the moonlight, I saw him nod his 
head.  Then he cast a penetrating gaze my way.  I 
wondered what he was thinking.  He looked so good 
sitting there in the moonlight, I think I could have 
sat watching him forever.  The thought of that made 
me smile.  Just then he brought his right hand up and 
brushed my check.  His hand stayed on my cheek and his 
thumb began to gently rub it.  All kinds of sensations 
were coursing through my body.  I tried not to let him 
know just what effect this was having on me.

"Thank you for being with me today", he whispered.

"I wouldn't want it any other way, " I whispered back 
somewhat breathlessly.

He smiled then, and stood up.  He offered me his other 
hand and dragged me up as well.  When I was standing on 
my feet, I felt his lips brush my forehead.  My mind 
went reeling.  I could not think of anything else other 
than being kissed by this man.  I could not read the 
look on his face when our eyes met.  Did he love me?  I 
guess I was not going to find out then because the next 
thing I knew, he started walking back in the direction 
of my car.

In the car on the way home, there was an uncomfortable 
silence in the air.  I was not sure what else to say so 
I just tried to concentrate on driving.  When we pulled 
up in front of his house, I turned to him.  He looked 
as though he did not realize where we were.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

John blinked his eyes a few times as if waking himself 
from a daydream.  "Oh, ah, yeah, it's just been a long 
day."

He would not look at me, and I started to feel unsettled.  
It had seemed like the evening had gone pretty well 
under the circumstances.  I thought the long walk on the 
beach and the recounting of stories were a sign of his 
letting go or release of his pent up guilt and regret.  
I knew it would never take away the pain he must feel 
about losing a son.  I felt a sudden need to be near him.  
I did not want to see him spend the night all alone with 
only his haunting thoughts to keep him company.

"John", I whispered.  "I will be here for you always."

He smiled a bittersweet smile again, and looked over at 
me.  I smiled back and leaned over to take his hand.  
"John, let me stay here with you tonight.  You shouldn't 
be alone, and if you would happen to need me sometime 
during the night, I would be here."

He squeezed my hand.  "Thanks Monica", he said in a low, 
shaking voice.  "I thought I would be fine tonight being 
by myself, because I felt so much relief after talking 
with you this evening."  He smiled slightly, and 
nervously shifted in his seat.  I don't think I had ever 
seen John look so uneasy.  It looked like he wanted to 
say more, so I waited.  " I, ah, don't want to be alone 
tonight either."

It seemed that he was going to say something more than 
that after all of the struggling, but I did not question 
it.  Instead, I smiled and squeezed his hand again.  
"OK, so that is decided then."

We walked into the house together.  John showed me the 
spare bedroom where I would be sleeping, and gave me an 
old T-shirt and shorts of his to sleep in since I did 
not have a change of clothes with me.  We were both 
really tired, but I knew that both John and I would 
have a hard time sleeping tonight.

I went into his bathroom to change into his T-shirt 
and shorts.  It felt a little surreal being in his 
house and the idea of spending the night here with him 
was overpowering.  His T-shirt smelled of his 
after-shave, and I could feel myself losing it.  I 
splashed some cold water on my face to try and get my 
focus back to reality.  It would do no good to think 
of things like this.  I was here to offer my support 
to a friend, not to jump in bed with him.  Although 
that idea really sounded good...I looked at myself in 
the mirror and whispered to myself, "How are you ever 
going to pull this off?"

When I walked out of the bathroom, there were no other 
lights on in the house.  John must have already gone 
to bed.  I wondered if I should go check in on him.  
I debated on this for awhile, and decided I needed to 
see if he was sleeping and OK.  I tiptoed down the 
hallway to his room.  His door was not closed, so 
tiptoed inside.  I scanned the bed trying to find the 
outline of his body there, but I couldn't make it out.  
Maybe he was not in bed?  I scanned the rest of his 
room, and did not see him.   I walked out of his room 
and down the hall a bit.  There was another room off 
to the left of his.  I could vaguely make out the 
sound of sobbing from the other side of the door.

I slowly opened the door.  "John", I called.  He was 
sitting on the floor by the window with a box of items 
sitting next to him that I guessed must have been 
Luke's.  My heart was breaking for him, and my eyes 
filled with tears once more.  I slowly walked towards 
him and knelt down beside him.  I reached out and 
placed my hand on his shoulder.  I could make out the 
streaks of tears that he cried on his cheeks.  I 
suddenly felt the need to wipe them all away.  I reached 
out with my right hand and began to gently rub his tears 
away.  As I did this, his eyes were glued to my face, 
watching me.  My pulse was quickening, I could feel my 
cheeks getting hotter as I continued to wipe his tears 
with my hand.  I tried to avoid his gaze knowing I was 
done for if I looked into those blue eyes now.

His hand came up and covered mine that was still working 
on his face.  Surprised, I hazarded a glance at him.

"Monica," he whispered.  " I need to tell you something."  
He lowered the hand that held mine down into his lap.  
His gaze seemed to be penetrating through me.  It made
me feel warm inside, and yet I felt uneasy.

"You can tell me anything", I said unsure of where this 
conversation was heading.

He smiled, and then continued.  "You are always there 
for me like no one else has ever been.  When I need 
someone to talk to, you are there ready to listen.  
When I need a shoulder to cry on, you are always there 
offering your support.  When I am at wits end and feel 
like I can't go on, you are always there pulling me 
through it and bringing me back to my senses.  I don't 
think I have ever told you how much I appreciate that.  
I can't imagine going through life without having you 
by my side.  You are a true friend."  I could feel the 
lump in my throat beginning to form.  I have never had 
anyone say something so sweet to me before.

A tear escaped down my cheek. John reached up and wiped 
it away.  I blushed and smiled trying to hold the rest 
of the tears in.  "Thank you, John.  I know you would 
do the same for me."

He nodded his head.  A few moments passed.  I was not 
sure what to say.

At last, he said, "How about if we try and get some 
sleep now?" I nodded my head, and he pulled me up on 
my feet.

As we walked into the hall together, I stopped.  I was 
not sure where that talk had left us.  Did he love me 
as I loved him?  I wanted so much to tell him so right 
there, but I held back.  I started walking to the spare
room where I was to be spending the night. Before I 
reached the door, however, John's voice called me back.

"Monica", John stammered nervously.  "I don't want to 
ruin our partnership or friendship, but would you sleep 
in my bed with me tonight?"

Now it was my turn to stammer for words.  I had always 
dreamed of being in the same bed with this man, but had 
always figured that was a fantasy.  One of those 
fantasies that never come true.

"Are you sure you want that, John?"

He seemed a bit unnerved by my question.  "I haven't 
been more sure of anything in my life, but if you are 
uncomfortable with the idea, I will understand."

I slowly made my way up to him in the hallway outside 
of his bedroom.  I figured it was now or never.  I 
reached up and gently touched his cheek.  I noticed him 
shiver when my fingers touched his skin.  "No, I'm not 
uncomfortable with it.  It is something I have been 
wanting for a long time."  He looked slightly amazed, 
but he quickly regained his composure.

"Monica, I did not realize you felt that way about me."

"I always have."

He smiled at me, and I smiled back.

"I love you", he said as he pulled me into his arms.  
"I am so sorry, I couldn't bring myself to tell you 
before.  I don't ever want to lose you."

It felt so good in his arms, and all I wanted was to 
stay like that forever.  "I love you too", I whispered 
as his mouth found mine for a passionate kiss.  When 
we finally parted, both breathing heavily, he picked 
me up and carried me into his bedroom.  We were both 
going to sleep well that night.