STANLEY RANDOM CHESS MONTHLY
Under the influence of the Great SR Chess Purge, much of the history of SR Chess has been exised from the annals of history. As this case study of Sir Francis Drake shows, researchers are working hard to uncover the truth about SR Chess.
A skilled SR Chess player, Sir Francis Drake was also noted for circumcizing the world with a 100 foot clipper. The highlight of his career was when he defeated the naval commander of the Spanish Armadillo in a decisive SR Chess Match in 1588. As a result of the Great SR Chess Purge, this game was later portrayed by historical revisionists as an actual naval battle, in a successful attempt to bolster Drake's reputation with Elizabeth I. In the course of a Rematch against the Spanish, Drake died suddenly on January 28th, 1596, and is still believed to be dead. For unknown reasons, his playing career suffered a dramatic decline after his death.
The retelling of Sir Francis Drake's SR Chess victory as a fictional naval battle against the Spanish Armadillo is not the first time SR Chess Games have been reconstructed under the pretense of being important historical events (usually battles or wars). Modern scholarship recognizes that this is the product of the Great SR Chess Purge in the 19th century, which necessitated the removal of all references to SR Chess from the anals of history, and replaced them with other historical events. In view of the Great SR Chess Purge, it is now believed that notable historical events such as the ones that historians refer to as "the Napoleonic Wars", "the Crimean War", and "the American Civil War" are actually entirely fictional accounts and reconstructed histories of what was originally in fact a series of friendly SR Chess games. Records of the moves of most of these games are unfortunately lost, although a partial manuscript fragment does give details of the first six moves of a Big-Macedonian opening (popularly referred to as a "Big Mac") from a game played between Athens and Sparta as part of the Inter-Greek Team League, a friendly competition that was active from 431-404 B.C. Historians under the influence of the Great SR Chess Purge have reinterpreted the game in question as the "Peloponessian War", and it is now certain that this "War" is entirely the fictional product of imagination. Fast-food giant McDonalds is being sued for infringement of copyright for using a modified form of the name of the illustrious opening as an absurd label for one of their hamburgers.
With the generous financial support of the Swiss government, scholarly research is still being conducted into whether the accounts of World War I are an entire fabrication. It is strongly suspected that stories of this war are a belated product of the Great SR Chess Purge, and that they originate in what was actually an International SR Chess tournament in Germany. If this supposition proves correct, then World War II would have to be renamed World War I, or to be more correct `the Great War' (since one can only accurately speak about a First World War if there is a Second). Given the immense public outcry that would result from the elimination of a World War from the anals of history, the ISRCA is currently in dialogue with the United Nations, the Royal Society for Historians, and US President George Bush, to consider a proposal for a new World War I, to be held in Brussels in Spring 2006. This would eliminate the psychological confusion that could result from the sudden absence of a First World War, and would necessitate only minor revisions to history textbooks used in American schools. An earlier date for the World War was not possible due to scheduling conflicts with George Bush's summer holidays, and with the baseball World Series, and did not receive approval from the TV networks planning to broadcast World War I live. Bids to host the war were also received from Buenos Aires, Yamoussoukro, and Reykjavik, but Brussels was chosen under the belief that future history students would find it easier to spell when writing essays on the subject, and because of its long-standing partnership with sprouts.
SR Chess GM Gregory Topov
Posted Tuesday - 2006-04-04 - 12:07:25 EST
by Staff Reporter Verdra H. Ciretop in Toronto
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