ASSOCIATED HOCKEY PRESS
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| The suspects at an undisclosed McDonalds location |
Police have released three more photos in connection with the ongoing investigation over the mysterious death of a lobster named Larry in London ON. Larry was owned by two upcoming hockey stars, Flames goaltender David Kamphuis, and his cousin and room-mate, Northstars winger Kenneth DeGroot. The two hockey stars are said to be heart-broken over the loss of their much-loved pet, and are struggling to come to grips with the shock of this sudden and tragic loss. There are unconfirmed reports that the pair has joined a support group for bereaved pet owners, in an effort to help them through this difficult time. Family and friends are also rallying to their support.
Meanwhile, police are continuing their search for chief suspects Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, both wingers on the Camels hockey team. The men are suspected of using chemical warfare to murder the pet lobster, in order to cause mental trauma to Flames goal-tender Kamphuis, and so get an important psychological edge ahead of Saturday's hockey game against the Orangeville Flames. Despite the plot, the Flames defeated the Camels by a score of 10-0, and it appears that the Camels subversive plot may have backfired. "I won the game for Larry," said an emotional Kamphuis, the winning goal-tender, in tears after the game. Flames hat-trick hero Jason Kottelenberg agreed. "We were all playing our hearts out for Daver's (Kamphuis) lobster," he said tearfully in a dressing room interview following the game. "The whole team feels Daver's pain, and it motivated us to win."
The two suspects were last seen playing for the Camels against the Flames at the recent CRHL tournament in Toronto, but mysteriously vanished mid-way the third period. The men apparently disappeared through a trap-door hidden in the penalty box. There are reports that officials from the CRHL found evidence of weapons of mass destruction in the Camels dressing room after the game, but CRHL weapons and puck inspectors refused any public comment on these allegations.
Although the official cause of the lobster's death is still undetermined, evidence is mounting that lobsters are not able to survive an attack with weapons of mass destruction. A spokesman for the Society for the Protection of Shellfish stated yesterday that chemical warfare "severely reduces the life expectancy of lobsters." In his expert opinion, "exposure to chemical warfare is usually fatal for lobsters." Flames goal-tender David Kamphuis believes that the two Camels players had both the motive and the means to kill his lobster. "Who else could do it, and who else would do such a heartless thing?" he said yesterday, while riding his new bike through downtown London. "They were willing to go to any lengths to win."
The two suspects are also wanted by international police in connection with charges of assisting suspected terrorists. But London's Chief of Police, Mr. Zambo Knee, dismissed these charges as unproven. "We must not get side-tracked by less important issues," Mr. Knee said in a radio interview yesterday. "It can't get more serious than a dead lobster. The number one priority of the London police force right now is to bring the perpetrators of this villainous crime to justice." Local authorities are refusing to cooperate with international police, fearing that the London lobster case will be dismissed or ignored by international law enforcement officials.
Local authorities are now seeking the cooperation of the public. Because London police urgently want to question Hussein and Bin Laden in connection with the death of the lobster, they have released more photos of the two men that were taken shortly after Saturday's hockey game. The photos show the pair at an undisclosed McDonald's location, a local Toronto golf course, and a nearby beach. Anyone with information on their whereabouts should contact a special hot-line set up for the investigation, at 1-888-LOBSTER. The two men are classified as extremely dangerous, and should not be approached under any circumstances, except when they are under the influence of alcohol.
It is not known whether Kamphuis and DeGroot are considering another pet, although a source close to the family, who wished to remain anonymous, said that they are seriously considering a pet cow. Unconfirmed reports have surfaced, revealing intentions of feeding the cow with pink food colouring in the hope of obtaining a ready supply of strawberry milk. Kamphuis and DeGroot have been advised by authorities to wait with purchasing a replacement lobster until Hussein and Bin Laden have been taken into custody.
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| Chief Suspects Osama Bin Laden & Saddam Hussein |
| Above: The suspects at a nearby beach |
| Below: The suspects at a local Toronto golf course |
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Posted Wednesday - 2004-04-28 - 14:14:35 EST
by Staff Reporter Verdra H. Ciretop in Toronto
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