The Notebook of Funny

The Norman quote was removed, it was not family material.

I figure I'll get a nice tan in the afterlife.

-Brett Cropp

Now Akivo, and...and the mother of Josh, will put the Torah away.

-Rabbi Ron Herstik during my brother's Bar Mitzvah

I am now obliged to steal 120 dollars worth of items from UB.

-Chris Grandits, in response to his parking tickets.

Me: What are you up to today?

Jack Tangeman: I laid in the sun in some really small shorts I stole from my sister, and I stood up with like my hand on my hips.  It really freaked her out.

[Wind rattles window]
Sara Neimanis: God!
Dave M. Fabio: Sara, you can call me Mr. Fabio.

-Michael Oh's profile.

Kent Cardon: I'm just above average at everything.  I mean, there's not one thing I'm amazing at.

Geoff Cohan: Well, you're amazingly modest.

Many people don't know this, but drinking a lot is beneficial to your health. Students who drink get an inside peek at University Health Services and receive special attention from physicians. Studies show that drinking greatly reduces the risk of dying of a heart attack (though it increases the risk of dying by running in a tiny circle by a factor of 629). You can think of a swig of Stolichnaya as a trip to the gym for your liver. My roommate's liver could bench press more than 120 tons by the end of February, and I doubt he would have made it all the way through finals week without that inner strength.

-Ian Blecher, of the Yale Herald.

Man, I never get tired of hearing people repeat their favorite lines from Chappelle's show. Of course, this begs the question: are these people paying homage to Chappelle, or are they cheapening the phrase, making it tired and unfunny? I did some research to find out what qualification these fans had, and posted my findings in the following graph:

The results were surprising: the graph above suggests that 6,367,619,884 out of every 6,367,619,885 people in the world are not Dave Chappelle, and therefore should shut the hell up.

-Maddox.