if i would have had my way, you would have never known. i would not have shared this secret, even though part of me has wanted you to know all of this time. because with you knowing, it makes things even more impossible than they were before, before you knew, when i suffered in silence. or at least i thought i suffered in silence. i suppose that since you asked it means that you knew all along what i thought so successfully hidden behind the masquerade of friendship. that i was that obvious, that transparent. i wish that i could take it back, not just my admission and words of confession, but the feelings that i have never been comfortable with because of all the implications they bring. and i wish that all my prayers to remove these feelings would have been heard, that some of my prayers would have been heard. especially these. but it seems like none of them have ever been. and i would have never said anything, never told you. i had planned on taking the secret to my grave, so that you would never know, never be made to feel uncomfortable by these things. but you had to ask, and i had nothing left to lose, so i told you. and for a long time i have wanted you to ask, just on the rare chance that i would be feeling bold on that day, brave and invincible. and that i would tell you. and that day has come and now i just wish that i could take it all back. now you must hate me. and you probably wish that i was dead, and if that's true then i guess i already am.