Shocked By My Behavior
I am afraid that I am getting in too deep and liking this too much. And knowing my genetic make-up, should I really be pushing it? Tempting fate? Especially when life seems so cruel and unfair... at least toward me, and this blurs the edges so far and so fast it doesn't seem too bad. I' becoming everything I never wanted to be, and liking every minute of it. Last night was just so fucking debaucherous and wrong and I wanted it to be more so, like some perverted unreal Showtime original movie designed to shock the neighbors out of their mundane gardening and sweater knitting, something that would make grandma faint dead, dropping that goddamned pitcher of lemonaide, a poisoned pen letter that could make even the most hardened dear abby gasp and press her hand to her heart to still it's rapid beating while she pissed herself in a fit of uncontrollable outrage. I want to plunge deeper and deeper into this wild and uncontrollable abyss that seems to be claiming me for some delectable chew toy, and don't even care that when it bites, it bites hard, and when it bites hard... i like it. i really like it. and this self-destruction, this mission of mine to destroy the morality i've clung to so long and so tightly feels like the right thing to do even if it condemns me to a lifetime of regrets or poorly conceived drunken tattoos or some bastard spawn that i can never in good consciousness claim as my own. and if my behavior offends me, then i'm finally doing something right rather than clinging to the light and hiding from those cool delicious shadows just behind the curtain... never mind that man behind the curtain, he's all mine.
shocked by my behavior copyright 2001 flowerboy productions