things are becoming clearer to me in recent days, as i spend too much time thinking about you, about me, and all that we could have been, should have been, and would have been if not for the reality of living.
i have come to know that life is not a battle to be won; it is not an enemy that must be defeated even though it does feel that way at times. it is not a conquest to be made in the name of country and state, kings and queens. it is a treasure meant to be discovered anew each day. a taste to be savored against the palette. it is a gift of light; a mystery to be explored and lived.
the secret of happiness that we all search for is to never compromise your wants and desires. it's insisting that you get all that you want and never settle for anything less. it is knowing that there is sometimes struggle. sometimes strife, but that's okay, because nothing is that easy. i will never allow myself to be unhappy. i will never allow the world to break me again. all of my dreams will come true because i'm everything that i always dreamed i could be. i am who i've always wanted to be. i only just realized it.
and now i am feeling as though i could amount to something in these my formative years. like maybe there is potential for me to be Somebody. like that whole American Dream thing could really happen, that it isn't just propaganda to get people to migrate in hopes of a better life and thump their chest in mis-placed patriotism. and i think i could be it all, everything i ever dreamed i could be, maybe a superstar or something just as important.
generally the complications of loving someone do not manifest themselves until well into the relationship, once there is a vested interest on seeing things through to the end. Of course, if the relationship were simply abandoned at that point, it would save much disaster and strife further down the path.
sex ruins everything. relationships would be perfect without sex there to complicate matters. if not for sex there would be no adultery or lust or any of those weird heedy feelings that cause us to betray those we claim to hold so dear and leave the object of our affection broken and mistrustful.
and last night i had this dream where i was an angel. i sat at the foot of your bed, glowing white like a moon child. you awoke slowly, rubbing your eyes and blinking at me. "What are you doing here?" You asked in the confusion of fresh awakened-ness. "I'm not myself tonight." I told you, and that much was true. "You must save me," I said, "It's something only you can do." Then I stood and walked over to your side, kissing you sweetly, dearly on the lips and mouth. Then I faded out of sight and you stared after me for only a few moments before deciding it had been a dream and going back to sleep.