The Gomer Strawchuck Story |
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The Gomer Strawchuck Story |
 This is the story of a man who is known throughout the land. His name is Gomer Strawchuck, and his story is the stuff of legends. Every word of this story is true, and I know. I was there, man. This is Gomer Strawchuck. He's a real guy, and I went to college with him. And no, the animation isn't showing him doing something sexual, and that's not a french fry. I'll explain.Gomer was working on the school newspaper with me, and we had a chance to go to a little town called Lethbridge for a college newspaper conference. Well, it was supposed to be for the conference. Really, the main purpose was to drink a lot. And man, did Gomer drink. You see, the Lethbridge college paper people decided to show us all of the different types of watering holes in Lethbridge, and we started off with an old converted firehall called Club 911. Dance music, tight spirally staircases, and cheap booze. Great combination. And Gomer began to drink. He had rum. He had Lotto 6/49 shooters. He had rum in his rum. In all, he had about ten drinks at Club 911, and by the time we left there, he was up on the dance floor, shakin' his thang. After Club 911, I don't clearly recall where we went, but in the end, we ended up at Goose Loonies, which I've since discovered is/was the nastiest little sh*thole in all of Lethbridge. But in we went. Now Gomer, something funny was going on with him. Seemed that for every drink he had, he thought he'd had less. When we left 911, he was aware of having ten drinks under his belt. But by the time we made it to Loonies, he was convinced he'd only had a couple of drinks. In reality, it was getting closer to twenty. So Gomer danced and drank and played the VR snowboard game and fell off of the mountain. And then he drank some more. His final drink, as it would turn out, of the evening was a Sambucca paralyzer, served in a one litre ice cream bucket. Gomer chugged it off, complaining about how drunk he was for only having ingested four drinks. And then he disappeared. As his friend, it was my job to go and find Gomer, and I knew exactly where he was. The bathroom. And while Gomer was in the bathroom, he did not make it to the toilet. No, Gomer made it to the sink. Yes, he had thrown up in the sink, but thrown up so much that he had clogged up the sink and overflowed the sink. At this point, the bouncer walked in, and defined the bar beautifully. He looked at Gomer, puking his guts out all over the sink, and rather than kick him out, muttered 'I ain't cleaning that,' and left. 'Are you going to be alright?' I asked between fits of laughter. 'I'll be fi.... I'll be fi... I'll be blaaaaaargh,' said Gomer, as he proceeded to BARF UP A COCKTAIL STRAW. Needless to say, I had to run out and inform the rest of the bar of this amazing feat, and so when Gomer finally emerged from the washroom, he was met with a small round of applause, and a large one litre ice cream pail full of water. He drank that down, and proceeded to throw it right back up into the cup. 'It was still cold,' he moaned. I managed to get Gomer out of the bar, and after carefully tying his clothes off the balcony and tying a plastic bag around his neck for nighttime puking, we hit the hay. The next morning, after I cruelly made him eat a greasy breakfast of a bacon skillet (almost none of it stayed down), we made our way to the conference. Of course, EVERYONE had heard about the amazing straw-puker the night before, and again he was met with applause. In fact, the next year, he was even mentioned in the Conference mail-out, as a precautionary tale about the dangers of drinking too much. Sound too bizzare to be true? It's not. Just ask the man who's known at every campus across Canada as 'Gomer Strawchuck.' He'll tell you all about it - or at least the parts he can remember! This website is not, in any way, shape or form, connected with the Calgary Stampeders, Grey Cup 2002, Canadian Football League, The Sports Network, Fritos or any other company mentioned here. The thoughts and opinions are my own. The logos belong to the teams and/or companies, and I hope they won't mind if I use 'em. |
