May 15, 1993
Last night an old friend, a red-tailed hawk, came in in a crash landing after having some trouble flying out beyond the rim. The rim of being is where nature collects the closed spirits with negative karmic backlogs while awaiting some way to bring justice to the evil and pain they represent. The sands stretch out far and each grain is the sense center of a betrayer being that has cut itself off from the whole seeking its own end. The finer the sand the eviler the being involved as the levels of betrayal stack upon one another in a kind of black hole of pain denied, pain the being caused to us but refuses to share and learn from himself. Pain denied is the source of closed being in general and the problem has always been that we could not find a way to bring true justice out of the confusion of evil since the pain has to go back where it came from to enact justice. Now the path is clear so the idea was to stop the rotation of the rim, which kept the sands in motion so that they could form as few evil associations as possible while between lives, as it were. The hawks had gone out beyond the rim to try to get far enough to fix the rotation of the sands and begin the process of enacting justice.

This hawk made an incredible effort and reached the limits of the Krull dimension, which is the outer rim, but was unbelievably tired and landed on the sands. She felt afflicted and a diving sense of gloom came upon her so she took off again with a heavy heart. She was having trouble flying over the expanses of the inner rim and was close to landing among partially formed senses, which would have meant a great deal of pain. Her spirit was sinking into a pit of dismay and terror and she decided to trust her love and make the long dive in. She came into me when I was in the kitchen; luckily there was nobody else at home so the fit of hysterical laughter that hit me caused no problem. I found out who my visitor was and began to debrief the brave spirit. She was sufficiently terrorized as to feel like a male hawk at that point. We went through the normal debriefing phases at incredible speed, inspired by the love we share. Afterwards the Kree helped me to get the rim sand that had been causing her such anguish and pain off her, in that the rim beings were evidently trying to drain her energy and establish their evil dreams on it. We fed them some energy and they swelled into larger grains that fell off her and were then dispersed out over the full rim to free us from their loathsome sense. I told her she could stay the night and try to calm down.

Then this morning we started exchanging memories from her period with me between the ages of about 5 and 13 when I used call this dear spirit Chickie in my heart. She was one of my Masters of Being and taught me much about accepting reality and fighting without trying to serve the self but to see the true sense clear. Since she kind of fell into my arms in rather a state of need this time, we decided to give her another name, Hystia (hysteria), to remind us forever of our reunion. We found that our love has held solid and we were married in a shit-ring ceremony this morning.

Afterwards we tried to send a group of perigrines and kites and a black eagle out to try to fix the rim. Either because the rim had been fixed by Hystia already or because their love was not so strong, they soon had to come back and were in awful need of debriefing and cleaning, for the lighter and eviler sand spirits blow high out over the rim, seeking some way to impose their horrible will on all of us. Thanks to Hystia's faith and love and courage, now the rim is fixed and we are moving to a phase of letting the pain paths or tubes of each of the closed beings form and find the source of the pain they express. With so much denied pain involved, this will take a while but the pain caused by the fixing of the sands and our current sense overall is helping to get things moving as each being seeks to dominate all those around it with its evil plans of self promotion

         August 1, 1993
This morning Hystia and Brookie revealed something of the silly-silly problem. It came out that my masters have been anxious and afraid I would say that I had made a mistake and was not inclined to have such a close mutual relationship as Adiling Perkawinan with them. This came as a surprise to me since I have no such position in my being so I wonder what brought it on. They also told me I couldn't forbid them to be afraid and to worry, even if I didn't understand why they were doing so. Alex, Persephone, Rimmy and the Eighteen from over the hump and I joined in Adiling Perkawinan. There is general concern with reviving some of the areas in these less fully expressed beings and letting them gather again. We also talked about some of the varied stories we have about the nature of reality and decided we are far the richer for having so many fascinating perspectives on existence to guide our path in open being. Sunny also came in this morning and we are trying to work out our long relationship.
I didn't make it to Maggy this weekend. Too bad.

        December 28, 1993
Last night I cried and cried when Gloria told me she was in love and I went crazy with jealousy thinking it was not with me properly myself. Afterwards she rocked me and comforted me and told me she is now going to "assume" (assumir), whatever that means to her. Mostly what it means to me is a painful old memory of her saying she was not willing to do it before when I loved her so much. Apparently it means that she is now ready to take responsibility at a much deeper level than I had understood and that she will be a constant and steady and loving presense with me at all times. She also said that her saying she is in "love" means that the love itself is containing her sense and that whatever she does is an expression of the love's drive to open expression and proper appreciation. I'm still frightened and tearful, afraid that something is wrong or that she will change her mind and hurt me again.
After viewing the tears and the rage, Hystia came in and asked if she could say something. Gloria asked if she could have a minute to prepare if it was going to hurt. Hystia said it wouldn't and just said "Thank you" first. After a long pause she went on to give a more complete thank you for all that Gloria has done and they talked about hawks and Bak Neteri and I sort of went off in my own direction and found a fight with some scummy sorts to keep me busy.