A discussion of the truly general context of my experience with Gloria.

July 27, 1996

Gloria,
Well now, I must admit writing to you is not what it used to be. I've absorbed all the pain of the enthrallment and am now returning fire at will. The pain you are to me has diminished considerably as a result and I figure I'll actually be registering a little properly defined "satisfaction" within three to five months. My God how I hate you, you vicious harpy. As I noted in an entry in The Diary: A Record of my Experience in Struggling with the Feelings Associated with my "Love" for Gloria Isma'ili:

July 7, 1993

Yesterday evening there was a rather full exposition about the character of the situation with Gloria.

I came to Brazil in full surrender, rather hunting to find something or someone to justify the pain of being here. I long assumed I would be inspired to introduce Sumarah here but that did not develop. I still struggle with my work on that and try to open it to the local sense but nothing much has come of it so far. However, with Gloria I found myself fully realized and all of my years of preparation suddenly became relevant. However, the two of us had radically different perspectives on the sense and rasa we experienced.

From Gloria's perspective, I was such a fool that there was no way to keep her from dividing up the spoils while I was still on the hoof. When I said, "Eu não penso mais" she just saw this as an opportunity to make a real kill in that my apparently unmanaged being was immense. A lot of our love affair constituted her laying claim to and trying to sell off parts of my being and trusting my goody-goody attitudes never to respond to the offenses she promoted both in the relationship and in her pursuit of the sense. As a result of the heavy hand she laid on my experience, there are some activities and capacities that I still don't have back yet.

From my perspective, she was highlighting and helping me to eliminate improper participants like my father and brother that I had in fact dipped down into dark silence in order to avoid direct contact with since they are both "floaters" like Gloria, suspended in the pain they have caused to others in seeking to get their own way. I came prepared for whatever happened but apparently was thinking in terms of a "sea bass and hooked a marlin", which has meant a "long afternoon of work to pull her in". The catch, Gloria, is now up close to the boat so we're working her in to pull her on board.

The feeling underlying my love for Gloria is my profound hate for what she is and has done to those I share sense and rasa with. The joy that came to me in association with the love, and shocked me in into silent subservience, is the infinite pleasure of being exposed to a real evil multiple sense being, harboring bonded opens and maintaining a complicated closed system of sense management that is reflected in her multiple personality approach to existence: she can run through three personalities in a period of ten minutes at times. The interface that I experienced in our relationship came out of the bonded beings that she has in her being and though I bore it, I never shared common sense with her calculated base sense. She is as I often noted a cruel, almost sado-masochistic person, seeking to cause and experience pain and her real satisfaction would have required going in that direction. She is a floater and is far too high for me to rest with in that her perspective involves a level of perceptual selection and a power rush that I cannot touch. Under her confusion she is a hard, cruel sense trying to control and use and define the world to her hedonistic purposes. I guess I should know; I've seen her in action with the pain she has defined and nurtured in me and watched the way she played the relationship to produce as much pain as possible by calling me in and denying me entry at the same time.

As I have often said, there are two kinds of "love": the first is based on true exchange and rests in the celebration of the common sense the loving beings share; the second is based on hating the other greatly and the joy of finally getting a clear shot at exposing and destroying the being involved.

Last night I had a dream with Carol in which I laid out the whole situation. I told her: "Things are simpler now. We're not worried about simplistic criteria of good and bad. We are concerned with open and closed beings and Natural Law. Open beings will be gathering and going on together; closed beings will be going on into the specific hells they have defined for the rest of us. Gloria is a closed being, so she'll be going that direction." The description in the dream was really rather better than this but that was the gist of it.

In as much as I came to this life already more than hateful of existence, the experience with you simply brings out the basic character of my hate-based being. In many senses I am the essence of hate and have never known anything but the job of bringing irresponsible malefactors like you to justice. This is the role I have within kebatinan now in the Suhul being and this is obviously my relationship with Brazil as well as with you. Besides hate, I am also an expert in revenge. I haven't had time to do much else since I have been in Brazil with its Levar vantagem em tudo [Take advantage in everything] and "David, eu estou só usando você" [David, I'm just using you] orientation. What an incredible collection of karmic garbage Brazil really is.
Basically though, after all these ages of doing it wrong and letting betraying scum like you get off easy, we in the Suhul being have finally simplified the process of enacting Justice. We have wiped out all of the heavens and hells and holding stations of one kind or another and from now on dying will be like jumping into a pool filled with hungry piranhas, who are those you have caused to suffer and never given satisfaction. As you recall, you, like Madonna, are a "material girl" and don't worry much about things like dying. I have to be honest, Gloria, if I were you, Gloria, I would definitely start worrying because your underpinnings are showing now and a lot of people have begun tracing pain back to you. We are tired of making you happy with our suffering, Gloria. Imagine that. I personally know that you brought me so much pain that, like a hungry wolf, I'll honestly never grow tired while running you down. As we in our being openly state for those who need to know, "You will pay." When we reach the suhul expression, the illusion of mercy disappears altogether and we simply work with pain transfer and expression and open confrontation. When you first took up with me I was at the jinem level and had sunk below the expression of the local being in exposing and punishing it for its betrayals more or less en passant in that there is an "unconscious" element in jinem. Now in suhul this job is done consciously which means an occasional explosion in passing back the pain in a form that can't be off-loaded, thus shortening the feedback loop of punishment and saving a lot of time and energy.
One of the things that has come out since I sent my November 27, 1995 letter to you on to my fellow pamongs in Java along with a description of my own experience here is that your being has more vested evil in it than I had been able to see continuously in this less than cooperative environment. The vista is now open, though, and it is easy to see why you were never really subject to any interest at all in justice or love, in that your being is purely and openly calculated in its stultifying evil foundations and associations. Talk about "I'm the best, fuck the rest", man, that's you in spades. In fact, I observed the following early on (at the time of our first major fight in February 1992) as relates to your being, although I was not sure about your participation in the actual sense and purpose of the evil being itself at that time in that you were still playing me for what I was worth and occasionally pretending proper devotion to justify the pain you were obviously bringing to me and the disruption you were causing in my life:

February 22, 1992

The Demonic or Tyrant's being reflects the organizational structure of those who organize themselves in protest to natural law and in order to promote themselves above their real position in the natural hierarchy of being. They claim not to like nor to care to serve being but rather to be purely interested in their own comfort. They generally develop an energy system centered around a manic or hypomanic personality and appropriate energy through the use of impositional techniques like inlays and overlays. The basic strategy is generally to get a being to misapprehend their own sense and/or challenge their competence to manage it and then take over the energy load, applying it to their own purposes in as much as possible. They constantly prey on those who openly serve life and being because the service beings are necessarily open to their abusive tactics and have the natural love and energy that they covet. They tend to be tyrannical and perverted because the energies they impound are not their own and render them little or no satisfaction. Stolen being does not satisfy.

In Javanese terms, you are a scorn-based iblis, Gloria, one whose awareness comes not out of having suffered but out of having inflicted so much senseless pain that you float aloft on a cloud of hate that seeks but never, until now, had found a way to bring you to justice to everyone's satisfaction. From your own perspective, like a Mafia capo di capi, comfortably installed in a legitimate business, you are absolutely sure that you are too evil to be believed or caught or punished. One wonders how much a powerful demonic being like you is aware of within her own personal perspective, but in case you have any doubts, you can take my word for it, Gloria, eviler than you, they just don't make them. We had many talks where you demonstrated direct knowledge and real understanding of the real situation and this was truly one of the things that most attracted me to you: you knew what was going on and shared many of my feelings rather than floating along playing stupid like the rest of the Brazilian population.

September 24, 1992

She was pretty chata [bossy] and the discussion was a bit crazy. She kept talking about robots and how you can't tell if people are good blacks or bad blacks or something to the effect. It was all coming straight out of my experience so she couldn't account for it. As can be seen above I had recently defined a very clear and definitive position about how to distinguish the good and bad evil beings and was mad as hell that it was not being respected. I gave her a hard line about this subject and her responsibilities. Eventually I even jabbed her in the hand. I was in a highly intense state so I didn't exactly come across with a great deal of subtlety.

After checking my experience and examining the situation in our long open inner being, Suhardo (a truly awesome pamong I consider a father and an eternal love), who is one of the pinisepuh (elder) leaders of Sumarah, my kebatinan group, commented:

This is the first time I've ever seen a really big demon caught in the act. We don't get them in Java for various reasons. One is that we ground our experience too quickly for them to mount their personal version effectively in defining their evil path of pain induction while tying into the natural functions that work on making use of any and all circumstances. In Java, they would be constantly exposed in their exercise of bad faith in the pain they brought to others to lift themselves, in that the pain they cause gives them sadistic pleasure and this would be obvious. Another reason is that they would be unable to bring in the corrupt support structure they need to pretend their "divine" presence in order to manipulate the people around them. You should have known she was not primarily a sundel bolong or an open iblis when she kept on attacking after it was established that you were not a fraud. The angry and open evil beings are looking for worthy company just like we are but that is not what Gloria is up to. She primarily saw you as something delicious to eat. We did not have time to teach you about her type while you were in Java except in a general sense so unfortunately you had to learn about these purely corrupt iblis, who raise their scorn to the level of appearing divine will, on your own. We didn't see her coming for you but maybe it really works out more accurately the other way around, perhaps you didn't want to be over prepared and scare her away. You're a supreme confrontationalist and a hunter, you know. I'm sure that Anoman understands your style. It certainly is a big fish that you've landed or, as you call it, 'grounded'. It was beautiful and truly tumangguh work, my dear anak. But you sure are a genius for getting into trouble, aren't you now? First by blasting through the being blocking your dissertation and our open expression in the West and now this. I'm just glad you have survived this tempest because she's truly a horror. She has the power to make Sultan Agung crawl under the table and suck his thumb. No question.

You see this sort of demon in the Middle East but they are usually men, like Sargon or Rameses or Ashurnasirpal II or Selim the Grim or Hasan-i Sabbah or Sulayman or Attila or Hitler or Saddam Hussein. They take great pride and pleasure in their ability to inflict pain and stand above it free from guilt or concern. Our own Sultan Agung Hanjokrokusomo leaned in this direction at times, though he did also use his power to serve rather than simply to oppress. These cruel tyrants claim they are so evil that Nature itself is unable to punish them in as much as they have powered themselves into being an expression of "divine wrath" by stealing the energies of divine being and then defending their purpose (personal prominence is usually the only purpose they have) from examination. In other words, they have done a long study of evil and how to manipulate feelings in individuals and groups and how to control their behavior through the use of hate and oppression and corruption. Hitler and Stalin and Saddam Hussein are good examples of the application of these practices through the exercise of terror and adoration imposed through the evocation and mislabeling of the incredible hate their people feel for them. This is the easy but obvious path for expressing demonic domination. However, Hasan-i Sabbah of the Ima'ili (Assassin) sect was more impressive in that he could actually lift his thralls into an ecstasy of devotion and self-sacrifice through the imposition of "love". Love is much harder to manipulate effectively than hate but it does, no doubt, allow the despot to maintain a lower profile and to serve subtler purposes within the "Tyrants' Covenant", or whatever they call themselves.

As a result of all their success in personal and group experience management, these tyrants feel isolated and empty but powerful and secure and they claim to be above all forms of law: they give satisfaction to no one and nothing and use all of their power to maintain this divine pretense. They have only the purist scorn for the rest of us, in that they have been getting away with this abuse for ages and have accumulated a tremendous amount of power for suppressing threats to their evil and to their continued enjoyment of injustice. Considering the incredible agony we found Gloria was able to induce in you when we "checked" your experience, one wonders if she is tied in with them. Obviously, she does not have an Arab name but it would not surprise us if she were somehow connected to them, in that we have never seen so much sweet-smelling evil power outside of the Arab world. However, there are tyrants and power brokers in many traditions and they all do seem to work together to some extent.

I had naively assumed that you would see your own true interest in accepting Reality and Natural Law (Purbâ Wasesâ) eventually. Ho hum. It has become a moot issue in any case. The way I have handled our relationship gives me a free hand in dealing with you now. Thus, going the way I did and suffering so much for the "love" of you without resistance did serve an obvious purpose. If you ever fall in love with a real sadist, you'll have a chance to understand what I went through. Evidently, suffering is preferable to becoming a "bonded", locked in thrall by disbelief that anyone could be so cruel, with the agony partially felt and partially denied ("She couldn't be so cruel! She must love me somehow!"), and awaiting justice coming from God knows where. I'm free of such emotional bondage now because I have suffered my love for you down to the ground where your evil and cruelty stand clear and open and undeniable. Once again from The Diary, let me reveal a dream I had a month after the letters went off to Java:

March 3, 1996

Last night I had a vivid, colorful, majestic and lengthy dream with Gloria in which I explained the basic situation to her very clearly and carefully. I felt like I was talking to a retarded child or some such. I told her that I have devoted my life to "Seeking provisions for death during life" (Golek sanguning pati sadjuruning urip) and that I am very wealthy in the Natural sense as a result, in that I have confronted and opened my Being eternally with all the various aspects and realms of existence and stand open with them. I said that this is obviously not much of a concern here in Brazil in that everyone is basically devoted to hedonism (golek penak) but that in Java we see it as being the only real issue in many senses, in that we are all going to be dead before long. I hugged her while we were lying on a bed but told her that I both love her and hate her and that, in as much as she has betrayed me and hurt me so much, I would have to punish, "burn", her clean so that the love would be properly expressed again for both of us this time. I then said that after she was burned clean I would provide for her forever in my Being which she would then be able to share with no problem for either of us.

So that's the long-term outlook. Trust me on this one. Heaven knows you should truly be grateful! That's checkmate, Gloria, and you're going to get what you need and deserve: a truly liberating agony that will last as long as it lasts. Finally, True Justice (Sedjatining Keadilan). I've suffered, Gloria; you haven't; but you will: don't worry.
    I don't imagine that it is either a great pleasure or a source of personal satisfaction for you to be recognized for the evil that you are, Gloria, in that you are very clearly interested in keeping a low profile and remaining properly unappreciated for what you are and what you do to those around you in this life. Heaven knows you try awfully hard to seem like a nice person in managing your image, though you betray a measure of indifference to the feelings of others that is plainly suspicious at times and evidently were a false friend to Maria and Josi and certainly a false love and a false friend to me as well.
     In any case, you rather overdid it in denying the proper unraveling of the bearing (nggendong) relationship I was involved in with you and of our relationship in general. In fact, the pain you brought to me rather exposed your position (though, as your pamong, I couldn't do anything about it for a long time in that I had to assume you were acting in good faith until proven otherwise). But a person cannot blast away the way you did without causing a measure of suspicion about their eventual origin. The measure of the agony you induced in me was sufficient as to define the conditions of "kanly" (which was initially quite a surprise to me in that you did not appear to be bound by any such limitations in pain induction and were simply stuffing your craw with me and mine) and a search throughout my being to find who on earth could possibly command such power and resources for inflicting agony and manipulating and defying Reality.
     Another twist in the relationship that handcuffed me severely was that in the inner definition of our "relational contract" you specified adiling perkawinan as our level of union. I honestly couldn't understand why you insisted on jumping to the highest imaginable level before this relational devotion had been established in our mutual experience: I was there but you sure as all hell weren't. But then the agony began. Adiling perkawinan allowed you complete freedom in pain induction based on the unassailable infallibility of the purported depth of the love defining the purposes the union was serving. According to this inner contract, I was only free to start questioning and confronting you four years after the start of the relationship in October 1991, a period I carefully respected in order to simplify the confrontation of your betrayal by forestalling any elements of contractual dispute or litigation as well as giving me more leeway in dealing with you now.
     If you recall, I carefully reduced the level of union to perkawinan ing djiwa at my first opportunity in November 1995. Lord knows I just had to get you off of me so I could see what had been going on and what was left of me. I herewith disband our union as empty seduction and based on betrayal until you have been properly punished. In three or four months now I am expecting my middle chakra to regather and then we will see what I can do about returning some of the pain to you in your present sense and being. Obviously by eliminating my middle chakra (an excruciatingly painful experience, I promise) you have reduced my response category for this kind of relational exchange to nil for more than three years now. After that, I was limited to tears and rages and had no continuing holding being in my presence to respond to the impositions I was getting, that have mostly been overlays , though, incredible as it may seem, some attempts to induce inlays were also made. Believe me, when you are dealing with amateurs, anything can happen. During this attempted restructuring of my experience, in as much as my primary response mode in the middle chakra for dealing with such intrusions was gone, I was reduced to killing rats with hand grenades, which as often as not left me with quite a headache but did cast out the impositions for a time.
     I remember you once openly attributed divinity to Marvin in my presence, evidently much to my amazement since you were at "war" with him at the time. However, not so surprisingly, considering the power you have revealed for causing pain, I openly attribute demonic ascendency in the Closed Divine Hierarchy or Tyrants' Covenant to you: "You is the Devil to me, Gloria, you surely is, motherfucker!" What can I say, Gloria, you hurt me that much and forgiveness is absolutely not a part of my being. Forgiveness and mercy are direct violations of the basic principle of Natural Law or "Ancient Authority" (Purbâ Wasésâ), as becomes obvious when we reach the suhul being, in that someone ends up absorbing the pain involved but it does not go back where it belongs, to the party that perpetrated the offense, as negative feedback to inhibit further expressions of whatever disturbance is involved.
     Now for a little paranoia. Heavens, considering the amount of pain involved, it is a little hard not to interpret it all as a universe-sized trap to catch a David-sized mouse. But, be that as it may, Freud would be happy in contemplating the plans within plans and inner machinations and duplicity I suspect in you. I obviously am not a party to your deep inner relationship with Marvin, Gloria, but after seventeen years of marriage to him before your divorce, I openly assume now that you are in league with him and that he serves the same "purposes" that you do. Lovely couple, I'm sure. I assume that you "unconsciously" structurally manipulated circumstances to "get me." You are certainly evil enough to have made the effort in communion with Marvin who, as a psychiatrist, certainly has the power and knowledge necessary to help with a trap like the one for me if you (I really suspect that you were the defining sense in the league) felt destroying a jinem being with open divine attributions would accrue you any prolonged benefit. Getting him hooked up with another woman and clearing your decks for action would certainly not be a difficult task for someone like you. You have a profound talent for emasculating people you are close to when you so desire, so one can imagine that you could "unconsciously" have induced him to seek comfort from your dominance and need to be superior in the arms of another in order to open the path to get to me.
     In spiritual and energy terms, assuming a misreading of my relationship with my being that would make me appear more vulnerable than I am, I must have looked like a tempting little Javanese delicacy -- yum, yum, eh, Gloria? The problem is that beings in jinem appear naïve but that is only because we are giving unrestricted service on the path to accumulating the experience and/or pain necessary to openly accede to suhul. I was already stated in suhul (see enclosed Memorial) but was unable to continuously present the being in a social and psychic environment like Brazil, where nobody is respected except when purely unavoidable. You sped up this process a trifle, though it was not a desirable contribution in that it basically alienated me from my proper deep relationship with the Brazilian being by exposing it unnecessarily and placing me purely in a relationship of Divine Wrath with this hellhole, in as much as my essential eternal purpose was challenged and denied credence. What a mistake!
     As the Javanese no doubt warned you in the inner realm (since you were evidently very well informed about me during the seduction), I am fully and indelibly and irreducibly resolved to enact True Justice (Sedjatining Keadilan) and release the Open Beings I love from energy contraints based on tying up the resources of existence in crap like karma and denied responsibility and satisfaction and the continuing evil that results from this. However, none of these problems would have had to come to the surface if you hadn't decided to "pick my pocket." If you could only see the pain you have brought on yourself and those who stood with you in this little project, I suspect you might open yourself to the "crash of being" and start getting it over with rather than continuing your hedonistic and incredibly irresponsible search for the "thrill of victory." The point is, Gloria, that I was already openly stated in many divine positions when you began your effort to discredit me and the pain involved has no element of proper justification. It was purely unnecessary and will be paid off in full measure as a result. I'm used to the agony of being, Gloria, before this is all over, you will be too. I promise.
     I recall the first time I met you my initial reaction was: "Boy, Marvin, I think I can understand your wandering. Uglier than that they just don't make them." Woe betide me for the evil that is among us: I felt like I had entered into the presence of a human spider queen or some other dark denison of eternal evil. I'd guess I was picking up your true nature at that point, Gloria, and you had yet to turn your charms loose on me. Evidently my presence was the prize you were after in that the jinem being is in open association with all those beings you have betrayed during your short but busy life of personal promotion and experience manipulation. Mine no doubt looked like a lovely "soul" to make off with (the technical terms we use for this practice are "criminal ab disposition" and "sense deprivation" which are simply two of the mechanisms for stultifying a being's presence and stealing its energies), and appeared big enough to stand a great deal of carefully calculated pruning betrayal in propping your sense and personal state up at the expense of the being I had gathered and evidently of me. Not nice, Gloria.
     Obviously, it is also possible that you felt some threat from my being in that jinem (the state I was apparently in at that time) are known to mature into suhul and suhul are known to be a match for even the evilest of the Closed Divine Covenant in social proximity, in that our presence can convince even the evilest of beings as to their true interest in cooperating with the Totality of Being, which is the Divine Presence we are open to, by showing them their honest benefit: "Nip him in the bud. His presence is beginning to stand open even in this thunderingly evil betrayer being where no one is normally willing to accept their own presence let alone contemplate paying for their crimes." The effort to destroy me and mine may have been a sense assumed independently or in union with Marvin. Who cares. It amounts to the same thing, really, since, according to psychoanalysis, among other things, there are no coincidences in overdefined events involving so much organization and power coordination. In any case, in as much as you coupled with and used his power and presence as well as your own in protracting the pain and punishment I was subjected to, he obviously was originally in league with you or became involved later at your behest.
     In December 1991 and January 1992 I told you repeatedly about my previous romantic disaster: Pierrina Andritsi; I even showed you her picture at one point, feeling that you were similar in some profound sense. I told you that I had suffered a broken heart with her that was still with me after twenty years. However, though that was an incredible experience that left me in a blasting and then a subdued rage and in substantial pain over the years, it was a nothing compared to the mugging and mauling that you submitted me to. So a broken heart with the booming hysterics and the unceasing physical pain in the middle chakra I knew about already, but what you did to me made me feel more like an Auschwitz torture victim: literally. My dreams have wandered on in this direction, joining elements of evil from here and there and seeking release from your continuing stultifying influence through the open exposure and destruction of your tyrannical being:

July 26, 1996

For my birthday (a day early actually) I received a revealing dream about Gloria which went a long way towards expressing my feelings about her. In it she was the direct incarnation of the Devil, not as Caligula like the last time, but as Beast Rabban from the Dune Epoch. Beast Rabban the infinitely evil, absolutely sadistic villain whose only joy is to torture and induce pain in any way possible, who shimmers and pulses with evil power based on all the suffering he has gloried in in his unrivaled scorn for us all: "I am above punishment, I am so evil! With the power I have collected through all the agony I have caused, no one will ever bring me down." I was in a room with many of his lackeys and I was celebrating, cheering because I had finally killed Gloria, the Beast himself. I couldn't understand why they weren't happy too. They looked at me and said, "The nightmare of the Beast never ends even when he loses a body." I replied with conviction, "This time the Beast is finished forever. Wait and see! Gloria, the vicious harlot, will soon be joining the similarly evil Christ in a roasting to pay for her crimes over the ages by giving us all satisfaction just like he is now."

Strange dream, eh? Sometimes I sit and wonder who you are feeding on now, Gloria, who you are "using" nowadays. Oh, the pride you must feel to have induced such pain and hate in me, Gloria. Obviously that is one of the ways to use people, Gloria, to make them hate you greatly and know the glow of their paralyzed regard as they suffer an agony that they cannot properly feel or express. The passion you inspired in me was distinctly Iliadic, swinging from tears to rage for more than a year, and was nearly unworkable here in Brazil in this emotionally impoverished, uncaring and basically ungrounded environment. People don't accept or relate to their true feelings or their true influence on one another in Brazil, Gloria, and float along in a heedless haze, accepting the mutual abuse, corruption and confusion as if it were God given rather than the result of their own purposive irresponsibility and systematic stupidity. Everyone feels that they are in on the scam. Pain is fostered and passed along day in, day out without anyone's ever truly confronting the problems involved or the habits of emotional and relational irresponsibility they represent. Feelings are purposefully not understood in Brazil.
By way of contrast, I have suffered my feelings for you down to my ground, which is far below the local common sense of being, a being that is evidently not very deep as is so common in any effective tyranny where the powers that be don't want the people to feel things accurately. If you can keep people from knowing their true feelings and their real interests, they are much easier to control and corrupt and lead astray as a result. This is the psychic equivalent of what the dictatorship did in destroying Brazil's public education system to make the population more manageable and tractable by making sure that most of them couldn't relate to reality in anything like an informed manner. This abysmal morass of interpersonal indifference simply expresses the callous application of the principles brought by the essentially criminal Bandeirantes (Portugal's Conquistadores) to this continent as seen in: the incredible lack of good sense in Brazil's savage destruction of the forests and the environment in general over the centuries that continues in the burning of the Amazon to this day, wherein this release of energy through pain induction is denied satisfaction and lifts the entire society as the natural process of investigating, determining, grounding and properly settling the pain comes into play (As they say, "The mills of God grind slow, but exceedingly fine." The whole idea of this social system was to use this delay to effectively separate the perpetrators of the offenses from their guilt. Clever them Brazilians. They have managed to virtually destroy half a continent in just five hundred years. Look at the Northeast: it used to be forest, now it is desert. Look at the Southeast: it used to be forest, now it is a developed wasteland. As I said, the process of enacting Justice in a Natural sense normally takes too long, so I have personally sped it up by many years in confronting the whole mess myself and giving the natural beings involved a direct statement of the profundity of the evil they have been abused by); the horrifying tradition of social injustice practiced over the centuries as well and witnessed in the population's pathetically unjust income distribution; the Collor administration's theft of a billion dollars and the continued impunity of the perpetrators of the crime; the descent of Rio de Janeiro and now São Paulo into practical expressions approaching hell; the appalling lack of consideration in driving behavior and relationships in general as mutual abuse marks the character of social reality; and the institutionalized corruption and injustice that define a legal environment where "only chicken thieves go to jail." As a consequence of this profoundly confused emotional and relational ambiance where rasa or interdefined feeling is tied up in often unrecognized mutual hate and continuing abuse, the festering ire that I suffer relative to you has occasionally made me explode like Achilles:

Hector, argue me no arguments,

I cannot forgive you.

I wish only that my spirit and fury

would drive me to hack your meat

away and eat it raw

for the things you have done to me.

To deal with the power and profundity of the passions and the pain involved in knowing you so deeply, I was obliged to develop a therapy strategy and just cry and scream it out. I had to allow the feelings to express themselves properly and go through a lengthy process of "selectivity," as we term understanding or proper identification of rasa in Sumarah, since deep feelings just don't stand open in this social environment where offenses are forgotten overnight and the confrontation of abuse is severely frowned upon.

January 18, 1993

There have been lots of developments since the above was written. I cried the new year in calling Gloria's name, but in general the situation has gotten stabler and more satisfactory for me. I developed a Three-Point Program and a Counsel designation for Gloria. The Three-Point Program is: 1) I want Gloria dead as quickly as possible and feel the wrath rising within me about her; 2) I wish her to personally apologize to me for the confusion she initiated by cutting me off; and 3) I still want her back and would like to marry her. Obviously this is an emotionally defined program and reflects the state of my sense with and relative to Gloria. Since I began it shortly after Christmas, things have quieted down around here though. The counsel designation is that Gloria is to always seek counsel with Hecate and her associated beings. This also had a rapid positive impact on my experience.

I still cry but things appear to be getting around to where I can recognize the sense involved in the action as my own. Bearing Gloria was a fantastic strain and the difficulty has been in trying to untangle the result of the effort. She is still less than able or willing to pick up the load herself so I'll be obliged to give her as much incentive as I can. My middle chakra has begun to fill out again and the pain (anger and jealousy) that had existed there rather independent of my being is beginning to release. Happily I am going back to a known being so there promises to be very little transitional confusion.

In Sumarah (and kebatinan in general) we have a long tradition of communicating with, knowing and working with "spirits" and the definition of mutual assistence in the service of Open Being, i.e., Tuhan Yang Maha Ésa. For example, Dr. Surono Projohusodo, the head of our group from 1950 to 1966, had many projects for and in the spirit realm. Obviously, this is an area that is looked on askance in the "scientific" West (though those doing shamanic studies nowadays are getting some exposure to such contacts) but in Java we accept the existence of higher beings just as the Buddhists and Hindus do (as well as those in candomblé, macumba and evidently spiritism), simply as a matter of fact. That is what the Hecate counsel designation was all about. Being a Westerner, I doubt that you even noticed her presence. At that point I had known Hecate for twelve years and considered her as tough and fair and open a spirit as I had ever come across, with a clean association with the darker side of being as well, which was appropriate in the rather shady context of Brazil's social expression of institutionalized corruption and criminality; emotional interference, imposition and irresponsibility; and crypto-tyranny.
After she had studied and stated your being, Hecate explained one of the mechanisms of energy control and experience manipulation that often enters into romantic associations of the femme fatale type, where the being exhibits absolute indifference to the inner pledges taken during the seduction phase of the relational bond or contract:

November 14, 1993

This afternoon Hecate was explaining to me about how a being can betray while leaving the sense betrayed with a positive relative state and eventually disassociate leaving the pain generated untraceable by maintaining the positive glow throughout the relationship. The person finds himself with a mass of pain they can't account for or associate with any clear source. This is what Gloria has been doing with me in preparing a general dump of the sense we share and this is what many groups like the Gypsies and Arabs and Greeks are so famous for. She says that in energy terms, you take out some 1000 units of energy through the betrayal and reinvest 10 to 15 in propping up the sense relative and covering your retreat and thus have an enormous profit margin. The cruelty of the systemic machines involved in this kind of experience exploitation and manipulation is unbelievable with participants like Gloria and Penelope reflecting a degree of calculated evil to make your whole sense implode, (hopefully theirs too now that we have caught up to them). Since I have been confronting Gloria directly, this tactic has backfired in that her offload structures are never able to release since the sense is already mapped here and she is unable to come clean against it in her own being. She is still distorting what happened in her interpretation of it and is running out of beings willing to front for her over the horizon or locally. Essentially, this has cut off her float position from any support structures whatsoever, so she simply stands exposed and awaiting the axe.

In her wrap-up on the situation, Hecate made the following observation which provided us all with some solace:

One thing is nice: she's as evil as they get. There's absolutely nobody worse and dealing with the rest of them will be easier as a result of all this agony. When she goes down later, it will be like turning over a rock and watching the creepy and crawly sorts scurry for cover. As a result of all this, there won't be any cover at all. That's about it for the good side of this experience; she is an incredible horror and truly deserves the agony that will be coming to her.

Hecate is evidently a sister-in-arms and over the years our relationship has developed a depth and beauty that fully exposes the reason why I consider communion with higher beings so important and such an obvious responsibility in relating accurately to Reality. They are here too, Heaven knows, and do not depend on humans for their existence. In fact, the scientific West is the only human social presence that has ever denied the existence of spirits or higher beings in a systematic fashion. In Java we have some special forms of fasting (ngebleng (no eating, sleeping or talking), mbisu (no talking) and pasa tai (consumption of excrement)) for entering into contact with other realms or forms of being. I have done a lot of this. In that light, my closest companions tend to be fierce sorts like Hecate or those who were Furies, like Tisiphone and Annis, until they joined me. I fight for True Justice (Sedjatining Keadilan) and so do they so we have joined forces. Oh how I adore them! The Furies have been with me en masse since 1993 during the junun period awaiting a gathering of divine being that would allow me to enter suhul properly speaking.

The sense did steady and develop into an open rasa being. At about 4:00 pm on April 17 Alecto, Megaera and Tisiphone came in to confront me. It was quite a jolt. We share the same sense and the same view of being and have gotten on well together.

It would appear that the Union will involve true Common Sense, that is, the Furies do not seem at all interested in standing above me in feeling or in sense, an unprecedented event in my experience and one that will take a bit of getting used to: I'm still watching for dips in the being and when they don't appear I get kind of happily nervous.

When Alecto, Tisiphone and Megaera first came in, I was standing in front of the mirror in the hall. They got me into the traditional Fury arrest position, with the arms up and bent at ninety degree angles out to the front. They were indeed furious spirits but I found them refreshing and open (so nakedly and fiercely and defiantly open, so lovely and shy and embarrassed), far less complicated than the goddesses and I hope I did not offend by making a comparison to other divine spirits I know. Soon I began to play with them, saying, "Could I put my arms down. This position isn't too comfortable." They allowed me to come forward and put my hands against the wall beside the mirror. Their presence brought me peace and when they released me I felt like a little boy with them -- happy and a little silly. They couldn't believe this reception in that they are more accustomed to generating terror in those they confront. They said that they have participated for a long time but had been afraid to enter into direct contact for fear that I would not be able tobear them. We went downstairs and I ate something and told them they gave me joy and that I was very happy they were here with me. They were still very skeptical.

I then found some mercy material I had worked out reentering into the upper lower chakra and went into a rage, chasing and scolding the Furies for their apparent carelessness in allowing this unwanted confusion to restate itself. After my fury the investigation showed that they had not been a party to the mishap but that my sense elevation in their presence had made the entry possible. After that the relationship took on a new aspect. They were now aware that I was not afraid of them and that I have more put confrontational power than they do. They began to relax. I looked them up in the encyclopedia and found their names though we had a terrible time remembering them at first.

Later I looked them up again and found information in the article that didn't seem to have been there the previous time. Their names were now identified with their associations. Megaera was "jealousy", Alecto was "unceasing in anger" and Tisiphone was "avenger of murder". As it turned out Megaera is an inner sense who adopts the position of the being she is with, Alecto is a middle stance sense and Tisiphone is an outer sense.

I soon found out that they are among the spirits that have brought me joy in my relationships with Penelope and Gloria in that they are absolute expresssions of Open Being, serving Natural Law just as I do.

The following day or two we got used to one another and generally things got easier. However, after a while I checked with Tisiphone and asked if she was okay and she said that no she was not very well. I asked her to let me share the sense with her and found an old nightmare sense of absolute betrayal that I suffered into silence some time ago affecting her being. I went into a rage and went straight to the relevant Kree (Divine Natural organizing being) dimension, demanding an explanation and threatened to dissolve the being if necessary. The local Kree being was with me so we were ready for an all-out war if necessary. As it turned out the shield of this nightmare sense had been placed on purpose by the Kree masters just beyond my normal sensitivity as a kind of protection. They had rather forgotten about it and since Tisiphone's sensitivity is greater than my normal range she was straddling it. We did a quick examination of the situation; found that they had been correct in what they did; and they then quickly pulled the shield out just beyond Tisiphone's range, which instantly gave us great relief.

What a joy they were and are! I honestly believe that any human who does not seek out experience with the higher forms of beings is just pathetic. As a child one is likely to have exposure to such things. It strikes me as very strange that in the West we carefully define our childhood associations along these lines (imagination and all that) as off limits for adult experience and end up pursuing the empty path of personal ambition rather than seeking and serving our open association with those we love.
     I recently had a look a some books on modern Shamanic studies by Sandra Ingerman and Michael Harner where they describe experiences that have elements that I am familiar with from my own opening through Sumarah. I find their approach a little watered down in that they don't emphasize the elements of suffering and maturation that are traditional parts of most forms of shamanism that I am familiar with: one has to go from a culturally constricted "reality" to Reality, which is just the way it is and where experience (and suffering) is unrestricted by any personal definition or association with what is right or fair.
     Gloria, like so many of the greatly evil, you are an expert at the inner language of intimacy and at controlling the feelings of those around you through the outright definition of their presence, independent of their own experience to a large extent. I had never seen anything quite like it. God knows, I had never even contemplated anything so incredibly kasar (crude) and expensive in power terms. How conscious you are of doing this I do not know, but month after month I watched as the being associated with our liaison refused to settle into Reality. As a result of the energy you were willing to spend to defend your right to be wrong and misconstue our relationship, it took me four long years to suffer down my "love" for you and get the true feelings you brought to me grounded and stated properly. As you told me when I said I was sure I loved you on November 17, 1992: "David, if you feel that way, you just have to work the love." Well, I have worked the love and now I'm working the hate -- that's what sometimes comes afterwards, Gloria. The hell you put me through was more than impressive, Gloria. I wouldn't wish such an experience on anyone but you. However, Brazilians in your class (Quem leva vantagem em tudo [Who take advantage in everything]) evidently view love just the way you do, Gloria, as a weakness to exploit and manipulate and use while they, in their oblivious ambition and sophistication, concern themselves with the only real problem they accept as their own: the management of their personal experience and feeling of importance. As a result, I have to admit, all I can say is "bon appétit" to all of you scum, I'm sure! But would you kindly make an effort to restrict the expression of your predatory feeding habits and parasitism to other members of your class in the future, please.
     I'm sure that, like my love and my pain, my hate does not matter to you, Gloria, but after what you have put me through, I promise, Gloria, you are more than dead to me. Know my curse: God damn you and all those who "play" with others, using their wiles and machinations to manipulate and control and destroy those who trust and love them in order to make themselves feel secure and powerful. I damn you yourselves to the pain you cause us, as well as a bit of interest to properly effect satisfaction, eh, Gloria? As you so often told me, "I'm just using you. Have no hope."
     My father is not a notably present individual in some ways and actually exhibits many of your characteristics in terms of pushing himself up at the expense of those around him: he has drunk his cocktails and told the same defaming stories every night for the past forty years. Like any other lad with an imposing physician for a father, I obviously considered him God. Evidently, this vision, as with everyone else's regarding their parents' divinity, suffered over the years. However, the appreciation of his profound connection with everything received a curious confirmation when I was twenty. I got into a fight with him about his meddling in my affairs and loudly protested, "Who do you think you are, God?" to which he replied in complete candor, "Yes!" Considering the nature of this ridiculous hellhole of a Cosmos, it somehow made a great deal of sense to me that he should pretend to be the head of it all.
     Believe me, I wasn't really in my family's plans either. I hate existence too much to be mollified with the baubles and trinkets of relative success and a lifetime of relative convenience and comfort, trusting in those I betray by pursuing it (and not trying as hard as a loving being must) to forgive me because everyone else is like that too. No way. As Hecate always says: "You have to at least be a 'try' or you're just garbage on its way out." In fact, unlike you and yours, even my father is a try, of sorts.
     Actually, your own old man has a lot in common with mine and attitudinally I suspect there is no notable distinction. However, our being views your being with a measure of distain. You are all definitely Cosmic nouveau riche, the inevitable group of parvenu I always have to bankroll to clip the wings of the ancien régime I finally managed to get incarnated among after all these ages. You are famous for working your way without giving satisfaction and can be trusted to betray yourselves into extinction quite quickly. Unfortunately, beings like you have always been replaced by similar sorts, forever chasing the glimmering hope of separating completely from their karmic load and finding total freedom to do and feel as they damn well please while walking all over the rest of us. So it goes. Happily, this avenue is now being closed for good. Rest content none will follow your constitutionally iniquitous path of personal promotion after you have been dealt with, Gloria.
     During my life, my father has taught me a great deal about enduring pain and has given me two dicta to guide my behavior. The first is "Keep plugging away" and I certainly have exhibited more than impressive perseverance in relating to my existence and also now to the pain you are and have been to me. However, the second injunction is more to the point: "No mercy." I suspect that in time, this canon will mean something to you. Wait and see, Gloria, wait and see.
    I hope you are beginning to understand what I am doing now. Basically, Gloria, I've cleaned up and openly stated my end of the being we share both in love and now in hate and I've put my house back in order after the mess you made of it. However, in a larger sense I am involved in a more fundamental confrontation and tugas (duty). Let us turn to Empedocles in order to contemplate the true Cosmic issue that is involved in that the world was quieter back then (not so many damned Homo sapiens around) and it was easier to see clearly:

I shall tell of a double (process): at one time it increased so as to be a single one out of many; at another time again it grew apart so as to be many out of one. . . And these (elements) never cease their continuous exchange, sometimes uniting under the influence of love, so that all become one, at other times again each moving apart through the hostile force of hate. . . At one time it increased so as to be a single one out of many; at another time it grew apart so as to be many out of one--fire and water and earth and the boundless height of air, and also execrable hate apart from these, of equal weight in all directions, and love in their midst, their equal in length and breadth.

The only thing that science has really added to this since 450 B.C. is the Big Bang and now the Big Crunch Theory substantiating Empedocles' vision. This is the problem and it all ties in with karma, Heaven knows. Karma is the continuing record of existence. It includes all of the offenses that we have perpetrated against one another and not given satisfaction for and these are the substance and power of evil, while hate is their product.
Existence is a horrible experience and there are two traditions in confronting it: one is to suffer what comes to you and thus be able to be with others; the other is to promote yourself above others and seek your own comfort at their expense. We are in a period like that of Sodom and Gomorrah, where we apply the perspective noted by Chu Hsi as if we assumed it the only way to be:

When one does not even know where to anchor his body and mind, he talks about the kingly way and the despotic way, and discusses and studies the task of putting the world in order as if it were a trick. Is that not mistaken?

The first is the open path of Nature and the Open Divine Being. The second is the closed path of evil and the tyrants or the Closed Divine Hierarchy.
     I work with the Open Divine Being in its coordinating sense which is Suhul. My purpose is to bring forth the path to a universal gathering or ball-up or as they call it now, "crunch". Have you ever studied the conditions before the Big Bang? According to the astrophysicists, it was pretty hot and dense and the most basic laws of physics were significantly different from the way they are now with the presence dispersed: but, in fact, to my understanding that was just a small ball-up. However, the issue is that we have to make it such that the karmic record and the feelings and pain that result from all our mutual abuse will not split us apart again, i.e., the sine qua non for the Universal Ball-up I am working on is the elimination of the karmic backlog that will come by burning everyone clean so that we can find the comfort of mutual presence without feeling a need to be elsewhere, i.e., hate arising out of "unpaid dues."
     That's what I'm doing here. I'll be open about it. People can judge me for what I am and the tugas I serve. They might imagine me to be an eccentric for a while in that they do not worry about their existence but seek only to escape from it, but, Lord knows, I think I have more right to consider the hedonistic furor they pursue to be out of line than they do me and my Nature worship.
     Obviously your presence in the world serves your purposes. I can remember having glorified visions of the beauty of the Nazi concentration camps floating through me after being with you: strange stuff which honestly caused me to lift my eyebrows once or twice. Who were you the last time around, Gloria? Adolf Hitler? Hermann Göring? Heinrich Himmler? Josef Goebbels? As I have said, Gloria, I hate existence too and pain and destruction don't trouble me much in and of themselves. However, in my way of bringing pain, I remain open to others, coming clean with them, rather than seeking to manipulate and abuse them without accountability like you do. But abuse and pain induction would appear to be your only real interest, Gloria. You are my archenemy in a Cosmic sense, Gloria. Gracious. I accept it. I suspect that you do to. Don't be shy.
     In fact, you tyrants are as pathetic and vicious a group as I had imagined. Look at this place, this country, this world. I just didn't realize you had so much power, but the mechanisms involved in the Closed Divine Hierarchy, a glorified devil's covenant, are now patently apparent and you won't be holding us all apart any longer. Evidently, you needn't worry about eternal damnation: you're coming too after you have been burned clean of your karmic sins, i.e., after you have suffered what you caused us to suffer yourself and are in the same place we are for the first time rather than lording over us all so that we can't get satisfaction from you.
     In any case, see you around. As we say in Java: "There is no escaping from the consequences of your actions" (Ora luput saka ngunduhing panggawé). I stand open in all of the presence I have revealed here, Gloria; so will you before too long. Praise be my work with you is now mostly completed and our liaison will now be able to rest in its own being forever.

Indelibly yours,

David Gordon Howe, Ph.D.

PS. With this letter, another little milestone goes by on the highway to the Universal Ball-up, the gathering of all existence I have been calling and leading the way to for many years now through the service of True Justice (Sedjatining Keadilan). As one might say in an invidious vein: "Have no hope, Gloria: Justice is here."

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