A LETTER EXPRESSING MY GROWING HATE FOR GLORIA ISMA'ILI

November 5, 1996

Gloria,
To some extent, the being (rasaning kabir) and presence (rasaning sahir) of our erstwhile union (perkawinan) -- and my enthrallment (ngèngèr kotor) -- are still unsettled, if only because a sense of satisfaction has been slow coming following the stultifying experience of betrayal I got from the excruciating and incredibly prolonged torment I suffered from you. But I guess the following dream from March 3, 1996, which came a month after I sent your letter from last year off to my fellow Sumarah guides (pamong) in Java, sums the situation up divinely. I don't really have anything new to add to it even now.

Last night I had a vivid, colorful, majestic and lengthy dream with Gloria in which I explained the basic situation to her very clearly and carefully. I felt like I was talking to a retarded child or some such. I told her that I have devoted my life to "Seeking provisions for death during life" (Golek sanguning pati sadjuruning urip) and that I am very wealthy in the Natural sense as a result, in that I have confronted and opened my Being eternally with all the various aspects and realms of existence and stand open with them. I said that this is obviously not much of a concern here in Brazil in that everyone is basically devoted to hedonism (golek penak) but that in Java we see it as being the only real issue in many senses, in that we are all going to be dead before long. I hugged her while we were lying on a bed but told her that I both love her and hate her and that, in as much as she has betrayed me and hurt me so much, I would have to punish, "burn," her clean so that the love would be properly expressed again for both of us this time. I then said that after she was burned clean I would provide for her forever in my Being which she would then be able to share with no problem for either of us.

So, to my mind, that's the long-term outlook. As far as I can tell, it was a divine revealing or "big" dream. I don't know if you believe in anything, let alone dreams, Gloria; the last time I saw you you seemed interested only in yourself, like any scorn Iblis, and in furthering your presence at my expense. In my still bitter heart of hearts (ati sanubari), I hold that the dream was an expression of Reality, Gloria, and that you are going to get what you deserve for the pain you brought to me (among others, I'm sure, as you climbed over us all to a personal feeling of power and security -- "David, eu estou só usando vvocê."). You would appear to be in line for a truly liberating agony that will last as long as it lasts. Honestly, Gloria, I've suffered; you haven't; but you will: don't worry. Wait and see, Gloria, wait and see if my vision is true.

In any case, see you around. As we say in Java: "There is no escaping from the consequences of your actions" (Ora luput saka ngunduhing panggawé). Praise be my loving, mahadèwi work in adiling perkawinan and then perkawinan ing jiwa (the two holy levels of association I have served in our union), together with the related torture with you, is now completed and I'm beginning the job of establishing presence properly in line with my own being. That means that our essentially pathetic and one-sided amour will now stand on its own in dignity, with the fully enslaving beauty I have found in you now being freely and openly expressed here with me forever, notwithstanding your dubious contribution to the union.
At this time of the year I look forward to a month out of this neurotic hellhole, where unbridled hedonism is viewed as the societal purpose (panem, circenses et Saturnália, i.e., 'levar vantagem em tudo' and Carnaval, or as Charles De Gaulle observed, "Brazil is not a serious country") of Homo brasiliensis rather than being treated as the social, behavioral and spiritual problem (like drugs, alcohol and violence) that it really is, where 'responsibility,' 'honor' and 'confrontation' are dirty words, and where we who stand open mirroring Reality to the world are abused and unappreciated for what we do in spite of everything.

Indelibly yours,

David Gordon Howe, Ph.D.

PS. On the overleaf you will find a revised version of the Introduction to "Tealt Leman", which you may remember from June 1992 and the dénouement of our awesomely curious liaison. I am working The Book of Being up for publication in that it constitutes a hard and deeply inspired look at Reality, our common, essential and mutual real interests and responsibilities, as well as being a timely piece in a world that has once again drifted off en masse towards irresponsible mysticism and the various "peace and love" forms of escapism. In it I come out of the closet and openly declare and explain my suhul (divine) status within Sumarah and kebatinan and describe my activities as such. I've evidently given you another name in Part IV - The Diary: A Record of my Experience in Struggling with the Feelings Associated with my "Love" for Gloria Isma'ili, though, what with its being a diary, I'm not sure it really makes much sense to do so.

Tealt Leman

REVISED INTRODUCTION AND ESSENTIAL CONCLUSION

    Shortly after the pro tempore Creation of this dismal Cosmos, God was surveying his work with Saint Peter and discussing a world that was forming. "This one is something of an experiment. I am juxtaposing most of the dimensions in one small setting. Whatever species gets used, and I think we'll use simians for the dominants rather than insects this time, it will end up in internecine turmoil all the time due to existential gaps and expressive conflicts between groups' origins of being." Then God talked about the positive and negative characteristics of each place: "This will be Java, it is too hot but the people will be wise and calm; this Scandinavia is too cold but the people will be noble; here in Arabia it will be incredibly dry but the people will be earnest and devout; Japan here will have earthquakes and hurricanes but the people will be clear headed and hard working; this peninsula here is Greece that will be dry and barren but the people will be heroic, balanced and loving."
    After quietly assessing most of the places in the world, Saint Peter pointed out Brazil and asked, "But where are the blemishes on this luscious fruit with its pleasant climate, but no earthquakes or tropical storms, its bounteous natural resources, wide expanses and rich flora and fauna."
    God shook his head, "Don't worry; justice is ever present, ha, ha. After all, Allahu Akbar and all that. Just wait till you see who I put there. Wait till you see the tangled mess that's going to go there. I'm going to dump the Ma'at Conundrum there and I promise I'm going to straighten the confusion out without fail this time. I must admit that I will be using the Gordian knot technique to some extent but I'll get to the primate first and show her true love in action so the transition won't constitute too much of a shock. Tiresome problem that: so much beauty tied up with so much evil. But just let me give you a little surprise: as far as I can tell this is going to be the last plague of humans. I think we will be fully able to do without them from now on!" "I don't know if I like the sounds of that, God. Seems like you'll be putting me out of work." "You bet. They are making the incredible mistake of letting me be born this time around. They think they've got me covered but I suspect you'll see things differently before I'm finished with them. My life will be a horror of pain and continuous confrontation with all the powers that be but I'll get the job done. None of them will be able to stand against me now that I'm out of the cesspool of being. Of course, they will make every effort to include me in their purposes, but I will be based such as to find no peace in them and will course my own path based on the love and hate that defines me toward the open expression of universal justice. I've spent ages waiting for a chance to get my roots cleared out and openly expressed once again and I'll be bringing them all forth into the light of being now in a context of virtually instantaneous justice so they won't be saddled with the problem of coexisting with evil that would seek pleasure in their pain. This basically means that everybody gets what they have given to start with before we move on to a universal ball-up. It's going to get awfully chilly and horrible for some people in the meantime but God knows we just have to learn what it means to be together and to accept our responsibilities for what we do to others. Obviously you're going to be looking for a place to be before too long because I'm evidently not going to have any more of this heaven and hell nonsense. We all have to get used to the horror of being rather than casting it off on somebody else. Everyone stands on their own from now on and I'll be making sure that nobody sets up some idiotic system to make them out of reach of the rest of us. It's instant satisfaction time for everybody when somebody dies from now on. So much for all the high postures and stories and assorted hogwash. We'll all just have to get along open and unshielded in the Void from now on while we assemble to go on to something decent." Saint Peter: "I tremble to think of it but Thy Will be Done." "Right you are, parasite. You're not going to have anybody to suck off pretty soon. I can guarantee it. Wait and see what I do to Jesus whatever his name is this time. Believe me, I'm going to put him in the dung heap he has always belonged in. So much for the Christian nonsense. They always talk about the Power of Love, right? Now they are going to find out about the Power of Divine Hate in the definition of True Justice! They're not going to like it much but that's the way it's going to be! I have spoken and I've got a lot to do. I don't sit around playing stupid like you slimy Closed Divine Hierarchical leeches do. Beat it, schlepp, I'll catch up to you later, when your time comes up."

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