The therapeutic and existential context.

January 25, 1993
The process involved now is bringing my feeling and sense of Gloria here in my experience to account and confronting that which defines it. [June 5, 1993 This has meant sensing fully, dissecting, distinguishing, identifying and individually relating to the elements involved in the enormous love I feel for Gloria and seeing where it is really coming from and what the participating beings are defining it.]

During the past year and two or three months, bearing her in the proper Sumarah sense has involved a good deal of attitudinal and positional and experiential transfer. During this time I have learned a great deal about her overt and rasa positions about just about everthing and see her more or less as she sees herself in my right -- I have become another expression of the Gloria pretense in a fashion, loving her the way I do, and express her with her own interest, covering the sense and suffering whatever is hidden in association with it. Now comes the hard part for her being here: she has to both take back her own position and let me assume mine again. The problem is that underneath the pretended sense there lies what really defined her behavior and the rasa related to that needs examination and selectivity.

My middle chakra has been gradually steadying and quieting as a result of the effort to confront this aspect of the situation, though the degree of Gloria's participation outside of this context through wanton interference and denial of the sense and rasa we share is less than clear and will become of interest in that we will be getting a backlog of suffering here if the experience is not matched in her sense. As is proper in unraveling a bearing relationship where the sensitivity is already established and all that remains is sorting out selectivity, I am purely working from the experiential frame, so this is not a major concern to me: I want justice in open being, whatever that may mean in terms of sense or confusion in the understanding associated with it. I don't care about the details of how it is enacted and the proper rasa and sense guarantee the proper outcome.

It stuns me how stupid and irresponsible Gloria's approach to all this has been: she seems to think that denying the existence of reality and the existence of an unwavering perspective on events is a possibility and that she can rewrite what happened as she pleases. I remained open and clean throughout serving the love but I'm sure glad I've kept an exacting rasa record of the experience, nonetheless. As it stands I can go back through the window of this diary and re-live the full sense with proper checking and so on. The problem of getting reality recognized and accepted could be quite a struggle: the local environment, which interacts in all pamonging activities, is unbelievably resistant to accepting a real perspective. It even seems that around here, people are unaware that a lot of the behavior involved in an intensely passionate relationship arises out of not knowing if the shared sense is true love or the promoted semblance of seduction or whatever, that needs to be dealt with in its own right. Until the relationship reaches this stage and has been suffered into open being again, it's impossible to tell the difference because the sense involved must be honored whether it is properly speaking founded in the individual involved or otherwise. The love remains and has been served and cherished; now we see what happens to Gloria and what her participation in it truly was. One aspect of this particular relationship that stands out is that it was so high voltage that the proper recognition of the love is apt to be a dear if rather confusing experience.

Unfortunately, I have become rather pessimistic about how Gloria will come out in all this: I rather think the woman exhibited the sensibilities of a whore throughout our love, serving only her most selfish purposes and making little effort to bring forth the love, while I was trying to establish the love itself and suffering no end of pain as a result. I'll be truly thrilled to see what the love I've been serving turns out to reflect: I've been true and have honored and suffered the sense into silence and acceptance on this end -- now we will see what's in it and what new wonders will arise like a phoenix out of the ashes of our love.

In fact, in part this is going to be an application of what Gloria was trying, albeit ineptly, to do with Marvin after they separated by attempting to open and drain the sense into personal satisfaction for her. That was one of her mistakes: she never really allowed the situation to clarify on its own since she was working on focused revenge and was overdefining it. Rather than really work the sense, she spent her time complaining and going to the movies, thus deflecting her aim and purpose. Incompetent. To work rasa, you cannot leave gaps in it that can be used against your sense or you end up responding to yourself rather than opening the other. Let's see if I can do better.

I have suffered enough so that I'm sure it was important. I am sure that Gloria was directly involved in that suffering. Though the interpsychic mechanisms of her participation in that pain are not overly clear in this social environment, in Java we have long studied and worked them and brought them to justice. I want proper revenge. I want to bring the whole sense out in open being and get it established in pure satisfaction...

January 27, 1993
Doing a little housecleaning today and waiting to see if the sense is going to steady with its new level of "interactive presence", i.e., rasa. I have begun to suspect evil at the base of my love for Gloria and Pria: I think I am drawn to them because I hate them so, not because I love them. Their constant self-promotional aspect in me makes this an inevitable conclusion. If so they mean me no good, but I will have to wait for the sense to settle to see if they have wantonly misrepresented their sense and purposes: if they have, all commitments to them are null and void.

April 28, 1993
The sense did steady and develop into an open rasa being. At about 4:00 pm on April 17 Alecto, Megaera and Tisiphone came in to confront me. It was quite a jolt but they were most of the joy I found in the now hell-bound Pria and Gloria. We share the same sense and the same view of being and have gotten on well together. And now they and then Titini, Araki and Avenna and the other 175 Furies that were in suspension on the rim have been joined by 181 keris and Wis, a Kree blade of long standing ("the Devil's Edge"), in forming my primary sense (standing from the in-in-in-in of my ati sanubari where Wis presides to the outer where Tisiphone is in charge) in a Sedjatining Perkawinan. They are now my Kangdjeng Ratu Ajunan through shit-ring ceremony. A great deal has happened in cleaning up the sense since their entry.
Avenna, the Furies' long-time general coordinator and the first to go to the rim, was debriefed and welcomed to the sense. She became quite a hard sense before she fell and expected to be met with hatred by her sisters in the service of Open Being and Natural Law.

When Alecto, Tisiphone and Megaera first came in, I was standing in front of the mirror in the hall. They got me into the traditional Fury arrest position, with the arms up and bent at ninety degree angles out to the front. They were indeed furious spirits but I found them refreshing and open (so nakedly and fiercely and defiantly open, so lovely and shy and embarrassed), far less complicated than the goddesses and I hope I did not offend by making a comparison to other divine spirits I know. Soon I began to play with them, saying, "Could I put my arms down. This position isn't too comfortable." They allowed me to come forward and put my hands against the wall beside the mirror. Their presence brought me peace and when they released me I felt like a little boy with them -- happy and a little silly. They couldn't believe this reception in that they are more accustomed to generating terror in those they confront. They said that they have participated for a long time but had been afraid to enter into direct contact for fear that I would not be able to bear them. We went downstairs and I ate something and told them they gave me joy and that I was very happy they were here with me. They were still very skeptical.
I then found some mercy material I had worked out reentering into the upper lower chakra and went into a rage, chasing and scolding the Furies for their apparent carelessness in allowing this unwanted confusion to restate itself. After my fury the investigation showed that they had not been a party to the mishap but that my sense elevation in their presence had made the entry possible. After that the relationship took on a new aspect. They were now aware that I was not afraid of them and that I have more put confrontational power than they do. They began to relax. I looked them up in the encyclopedia and found their names though we had a terrible time remembering them at first.
Later I looked them up again and found information in the article that didn't seem to have been there the previous time. Their names were now identified with their associations. Megaera was "jealousy", Alecto was "unceasing in anger" and Tisiphone was "avenger of murder". As it turned out Megaera is an inner sense who adopts the position of the being she is with, Alecto is a middle stance sense and Tisiphone is an outer sense. I soon found out that they are among the spirits that have brought me joy in my relationships with Pierrina and Gloria in that they are absolute expresssions of Open Being, serving Natural Law just as I do.
The following day or two we got used to one another and generally things got easier. However, after a while I checked with Tisiphone and asked if she was okay and she said that no she was not very well. I asked her to let me share the sense with her and found an old nightmare sense of absolute betrayal that I suffered into silence some time ago affecting her being. I went into a rage and went straight to the relevant Kree dimension, demanding an explanation and threatened to dissolve the being if necessary. The local Kree being was with me so we were ready for an all out war if necessary. As it turned out the shield of this nightmare sense had been placed on purpose by the Kree masters just beyond my normal sensitivity as a kind of protection. They had rather forgotten about it and since Tisiphone's sensitivity is greater than my normal range she was straddling it. We did a quick examination of the situation; found that they had been correct in what they did; and they then quickly pulled the shield out just beyond Tisiphone's range, which instantly gave us great relief.

It would appear that the Union will involve true Common Sense, that is, the Furies do not seem at all interested in standing above me in feeling or in sense, an unprecedented event in my experience and one that will take a bit of getting used to: I'm still watching for dips in the being and when they don't appear I get kind of happily nervous.

The Book of Being, Part IV - The Diary: A Record of my Experience in Struggling with the Feelings Associated with my "Love" for Gloria Isma'ili, pp. 128-130.

July 7, 1993
Yesterday evening there was a rather full exposition about the character of the situation with Gloria.
I came to Brazil in full surrender, rather hunting to find something or someone to justify the pain of being here. I long assumed I would be inspired to introduce Sumarah here but that did not develop. I still struggle with my work on that and try to open it to the local sense but nothing much has come of it so far. However, with Gloria I found myself fully realized and all of my years of preparation suddenly became relevant. However, the two of us had radically different perspectives on the sense and rasa we experienced.

From Gloria's perspective, I was such a fool that there was no way to keep her from dividing up the spoils while I was still on the hoof. When I said, "Eu não penso mais" she just saw this as an opportunity to make a real kill in that my apparently unmanaged being was immense. A lot of our love affair constituted her laying claim to and trying to sell off parts of my being and trusting my goody-goody attitudes never to respond to the offenses she promoted both in the relationship and in her pursuit of the sense. As a result of the heavy hand she laid on my experience, there are some activities and capacities that I still don't have back yet.

From my perspective, she was highlighting and helping me to eliminate improper participants like my father and brother that I had in fact dipped down into dark silence in order to avoid direct contact with since they are both "floaters" like Gloria, suspended in the pain they have caused to others in seeking to get their own way. I came prepared for whatever happened but apparently was thinking in terms of a "sea bass and hooked a marlin", which has meant a "long afternoon of work to pull her in". The catch, Gloria, is now up close to the boat so we're working her in to pull her on board.

The feeling underlying my love for Gloria is my profound hate for what she is and has done to those I share sense and rasa with. The joy that came to me in association with the love, and shocked me in into silent subservience, is the infinite pleasure of being exposed to a real evil multiple sense being, harboring bonded opens and maintaining a complicated closed system of sense management that is reflected in her multiple personality approach to existence: she can run through three personalities in a period of ten minutes sometimes. The interface that I experienced in our relationship came out of the bonded beings that she has in her being and though I bore it, I never shared common sense with her calculated base sense. She is as I often noted a cruel, almost sado-masochistic person, seeking to cause and experience pain and her real satisfaction would have required going in that direction. She is a floater and is far too high for me to rest with in that her perspective involves a level of perceptual selection and a power rush that I cannot touch. Under her confusion she is a hard, cruel sense trying to control and use and define the world to her hedonistic purposes. I guess I should know; I've seen her in action with the pain she has defined and nurtured in me and watched the way she played the relationship to produce as much pain as possible by calling me in and denying me entry at the same time.

As I have often said, there are two kinds of "love": the first is based on true exchange and rests in the celebration of the common sense the loving beings share; the second is based on hating the other greatly and the joy of finally getting a clear shot at exposing and destroying the being involved.

Last night I had a dream with Carol in which I laid out the whole situation. I told her something like: "Things are simpler now. We're not worried about simplistic criteria of good and bad. We are concerned with open and closed beings and Natural Law. Open beings will be gathering and going on together; closed beings will be going on into the specific hells they have defined for the rest of us. Gloria is a closed being, so she'll be going that direction." The description in the dream was really rather better than this but that was the gist of it.

The Book of Being, Part IV - The Diary: A Record of my Experience in Struggling with the Feelings Associated with my "Love" for Gloria Isma'ili, pp. 137-138.

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