White Clouds in the Blue Sky

Remembering what had passed was nearly impossible, at least not without the most extreme of efforts, an act for which Ranma no longer had the energy. "I remember going to school, and that girl - was it Rei? And the dead guy showing up again." He stared at the ceiling, as it was blank, and somehow comforting in its personality-less form. "But... what order was it all in?"

Things just blended in together now, and the past was a mess, and he was too.

Who was that dead guy anyway? He traced his scar, feeling there was a connection between it and the bloody stranger.

"He was there. Back then. When... it... all happened...." A flash of memory passed through Ranma's mind - a creature of scorching flame, burning flesh and hatred. The ground - he remembered looking at the ground for some reason - he was tracking it... wasn't he? Anyhow, the ground was blistered - even pavement and steel - wherever 'it' had been.

But it wasn't just in that manner Ranma was following that beast. He also just had to follow the screams, stench, and the awful, terrible, and sickening feeling that was projected from the monster, like light and heat from the sun, but instead of receiving health, he felt revolted like he'd get sick from just its presence.

"Stop it," he quietly said to himself. "Don't remember that." He covered his eyes, as though that would block out the memory of looking at all the corpses littering the street like a glass beer bottle tossed from a speeding car onto pavement. "Don't." He couldn't help th... remembering - the images were so alive that they seemed to be just before him, where he could reach out and touch them.

Something was bothering his eyes, so he quickly muffled his face with his pillow - when he was finished with it, he put it back, and turned it over so Missus Urameshi wouldn't see what a mess it was.

"This is shit," he said, after some time had passed. He didn't want to be here anymore - maybe he could go somewhere else. He could slip out the window.... Where was there to go though?

"Anywhere's better though," said Ranma. "I don' wanna be here...." He looked at his bedroom door, and listened for any sounds that would give up the Urameshi's if they were waiting at the door. They had been doing that lately - they obviously worried about him.

"Don't deserve it," said Ranma. "I'm just... nothing." He climbed out of bed, and soon climbed out through his window down and the one story to the ground.

When he was out of earshot of the house, he said, "Don't deserve nothin'. And no one deserves nothin' like me."

Chapter Two - Drowning

As far as nights went, tonight wasn't bad, felt Ranma.

He was standing on a bridge, looking down into mirror-like water that was slowly flowing towards some place he would rather be than here. Well, he really didn't want to be anywhere, to be honest.

It really was nice, the way the darkness made the river into an abyss that reflected back the light. It was a comforting feeling that if he jumped that he might perhaps not ever land in anything, and instead just keep falling until it all stopped.

"This is where you come?" asked the dead boy, suddenly standing beside Ranma.

Ranma didn't answer. He hung his head, staring into the water as though alone.

"Why to a river?" asked the dead boy, although only to himself.

Ranma could feel the dead boy knowingly smirking.

"It's not because some spiritualists speak of some connection between the living world and... the other one, at water, right?" The dead boy waited as though Ranma might answer. "I guess you wouldn't know that.... Stupid question. I'm sorry." He walked over to Ranma's other side. "Maybe you just come cause you feel less hurt here. Which might give some credence to my earlier...."

"Shut up," said Ranma.

The dead boy didn't say a word, but it was everything he wasn't saying that Ranma was getting annoyed of.

You're stuck in the past, right, even though you're totally here in the now? Don't know which way to go, cause you really don't want to leave?

Ranma kept focused on the river, hoping it would drown out the last unasked question, the one that he didn't want to hear.

Can I help you?

"F... fuck off!" he growled, covering his face but mostly his eyes with a hand. "I don't... don't need anybody bothering me, so just... just... get the hell away from me!"

It had felt a while when he removed his hand. He turned to see if the dead boy was still there, but he was gone.

He did see Doctor Tofu coming along though, eventually.

"Hi, Ranma," said the doctor, upon reaching him. He leaned on the railing. It was some time before he said anything, "I was woken up by a frantic call from Missus Urameshi. Seems she thought I'd be the best bet for finding you." He chuckled. "Seems she was right, as, well, here you are!"

A question suddenly came to life in Ranma's mind. He looked to the doctor to ask it, "Doc.... It was.... You were the one who... I mean... it was you...." Pathetically, he couldn't get the question out. It was too confused, spinning and rolling, stamping and hollering inside his head. "I mean...." He felt the first beast stir from sleep, so he decided to retreat. "It's okay.... Forget it." The first beast went back to sleep, but the question died a screaming death.

The doctor looked at him, with an expression as though it was okay to avoid a stupid question that you didn't want to admit being scared of.

"You know.... I loved her," said Doctor Tofu, after some time had passed. "Kasumi. With everything I had."

It was totally unexpected, but perhaps appropriate, felt Ranma. 'Yeah, you loved her,' he remembered. 'And maybe she was the same way towards you, what with all her reasons for visiting your office....'

"It... hurts. Wish I told her. Might've all been different." Doctor Tofu's voice seemed sad yet self-mocking.

'Yeah. Maybe,' thought Ranma. He stared into the abyss, the creek. 'Kasumi. I remember her. Long hair. Caring face. Good cook. Nice person.' He gripped the railing that he was leaning on. 'Eldest sister of the Tendo kids. Older than me. She liked guys that were mature, like the doc.' He had to give out a quiet laugh, as it was just so.... Otherwise, if he didn't laugh, he would cry out in despair.

So he laughed, and laughed, silently so the doc wouldn't notice, until he gave one short, loud sob. He covered his eyes with his hand.

"Ranma?" asked Doctor Tofu.

"Sorry, Doc...." said Ranma. "Sorry, Doc.... Sorry.... I'm sorry...."

"Ranma," Doctor Tofu's voice was filled with guilt. "I'm the one who's sorry. I was talking about foolish things. I forgot.... It was you who fought for her. Them all."

'Yeah, Kasumi Tendo.' Ranma remembered her. Good person, and still, despite her near-angelic nature, it was her first of all that was....

Lifeless eyes. Cooling body. Burning smell. Frozen expression.

He had only stared at her face for maybe at the most six seconds until he had again moved, but it was forever in his memory.

It was filled with agony and fear, shock and denial. And her eyes.... They called out for the rest of time for someone to help her, but....

"Oh, Doc.... Oh, god.... I'm so sorry...." But Ranma wouldn't let go, not even of the railing he was holding onto. He wouldn't let the coward out, and he wouldn't start bawling. He wouldn't.... "Oh god...."

"Ranma," said Tofu, as though from far away. "It wasn't your fault," he whispered. "I'm not blaming you. I don't blame you. I never will."

"I'm sorry...."

He felt the doctor reassuringly squeeze his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ranma," he said, but those words were so far away that Ranma barely heard.

Stuff the coward back in! Get back inside! He wouldn't let himself cry! Not in front of someone! Not in front of the doc!

Ranma gripped hard with the hand covering his face, and he could feel his fingers digging into his skull. His teeth were feeling as though they were about to break, as he was clenching them so he could... stop... it - to get him back in!

And slowly, he felt the momentum slow, and eventually stop. But it felt right then like he couldn't move, not ever again, cause... he would break free.

There was something else deep inside too - a strange ooze, bubbling up in his guts. And the scar.... So cold, it burned.

No.... It wasn't a burning feeling, but a kind of tingling. More like pins and needles.

He heard from far away someone saying his name, "Ranma?"

What was wrong? He couldn't really see anything anymore, like something was in his eyes. Or maybe... like he was somewhere else, in another place.

He tried to swing his head left to right, but felt a wave of confusion sweep through his mind and body. Was he moving? Or did he just think it? He might've turned his head, but did he really?

He heard from close by someone shouting his name, "Ranma! Ranma!" It was right by him, so he tried to turn but that same strange double signal of moving but staying completely still again overcame his senses.

Someone grasped his shoulder.

He then saw the river again. There was almost no energy left in his legs, so he fell forward onto his knees and hands.

"You went there, didn't you?" asked... someone. Ranma was exhausted, and couldn't tell who was speaking to him. Was it Doctor Tofu? "Don't go there! You can't go back there, or else...."

"Ranma?" said somebody else. "Are you okay?" Was that voice Doctor Tofu's?

There was no energy in his arms to hold himself up anymore, so he fell face forward, his face banging into the metal railing bars that kept people from accidentally falling into the river below.

The water below....

"Stay away from there!" - "Ranma?"

It was really loud, come to think of it.

"That place.... It's alive." - "Oh gods! Ranma!"

He felt like he was drowning, it was all so noisy.

He opened his eyes, and saw the blue sky that was so full of... vastness. It stretched from the beginning, and continued until the end, but perhaps those points met at the same place.... It didn't matter, anyway. It was the blue sky he always wished to be lost in, lying on the ground and wishing to be up there in its embrace.

Where had he been for so long? Some time had passed that he could remember, but that was so wrong, and didn't fit right. Wasn't this where he belonged?

He sat up, resting on his elbows, and saw the field, covered in flowers, many of which he didn't even know the names of but had seen so many times way back then when he was living with the Tendos....

Before then, when he was living....

He ran his hand over his chest, and felt nothing but perhaps relief. The scar was totally gone, but of course it wouldn't be there, right? Why would it need to be there, when he was... dead?

No, that couldn't be it. Of course not. He was alive, and here, wasn't he?

It had all just been some dream.... A terrible dream, but it couldn't hurt him anymore, since he was here where the sky was so blue. You don't get scars from things that aren't real!

"Don't die," said somebody. The voice had come from everywhere and nowhere.

"I won't," said Ranma. "Don't worry.... Man, Akane! I ain't planning to do that."

It was Akane that said those words? And how'd he know that? Actually, how the hell did he forget that in first place anyway? He'd never forget that! That was the worst part of that whole dream....

There was a long silence.

"Ranma, don't leave me. Not again...."

"Where in the hell would I...."

In a panic, he opened his eyes, yet he still couldn't even tell what was what. It all had some kind of upside-down feel to it all, and spinning round and around.

"Thank the gods," said somebody.

Wasn't that Doc Tofu's voice?

It took a moment to figure it all out - he'd been here before, after all.

Doctor Tofu's clinic.... And he was in bed, with a cold cloth over his forehead.

He felt sweat all over, and a horrible lethargy in his joints.

And the scar was violently throbbing like something wanted to rip out of his chest.

Pain began to settle in his head and throat.

"Thank the heavens," said Doctor Tofu. "Ranma, can you understand me?"

"Yeah...." Ranma closed his eyes - the light was pretty damn painful.

"You've been out for quite some time. Fourteen hours," said Tofu.

Fourteen hours? That was a long time, wasn't it? Not more than a day though, but still a great deal of time to be asleep....

"You worried us all. We were afraid...." Doctor Tofu paused. "You might not make it." The doc's voice sounded stretched, as though what he had said had to be wrestled out without delay. He reached over, and squeezed Ranma's shoulder. "You're strong, Ranma. And you never give up." There was pride in the doc's voice.

Might not make it. That was just another way of saying almost died.

Death....

That dream....

"Rest for now," said Doctor Tofu. "And drink lots, since you've lost a lot of fluids. That's best for now." He stood. "Missus Urameshi said she'd be coming by tomorrow morning to see if you're all right to go home." Doctor Tofu then left Ranma alone.

Urameshi? Who the hell was... that?

She's... the one who took you in... remember? She's the wife of the man who took you away from the hospital, after the... the death... of everyo.... After the death of Nerima.

"I forgot.... Oh my god, I forgot," said Ranma, whispering, slowly. He lay still, his mind wondering how he could do such a thing. "What... what the hell is happening?" he asked. "How could I forget?"

You went somewhere else, that's why.

Those were unsaid words of a feeling inside him.

Somewhere where remembering pain didn't have to cause you pain.

Where the hell did he go, then?

You went somewhere else, and you know where it was. Because there....

"I'm not dead," said Ranma, suddenly, defiantly.

There, you didn't have to be afraid.

"I'm not...."

There, you didn't have to be afraid.

"I'm not...."

There....

"I'm...."

You could be fr....

"I'm not dead!" he shouted, barking out his denial.

Then why are you... here?

Ranma couldn't answer.

"I'm not dead," he whispered.

"I'm not dead."

"I'm not...."

"Not...."

"Dead."