this fic is most probably the worst one you've ever read... thats why
i didnt post when i wrote it (which was about seven months ago)...
so Rose, Kelly, Danni, Lila- thank you!! the only reason i'm posting
this now is coz nobody seems to be writing any and it might make
people like this a bit... oh i dunno...


Title: With Plans in My Heart

Author: Sahiti

Summary: ok, its a fic about Eugene, during the ep "Do Unto Others"
and I added a little more to it, oh and its Eugene pov. And it starts
off from the scene where E and Sharon are having dinner...... (hope
ya remember it, coz otherwise this fic will make no sense)

"Do Unto Others" (if ya want to skim over what it was about): Eugene
defends a rabbi accused of rape, the rabbi believes that the victim
*likes* rough sex, so he mistakes her wanting to break up with him to
be an act to actually arouse him, and the victim is hell bent against
that... Well, that's not what this fic is about, it's about what
Sharon sez to Eugene when they have dinner right before Eugene has to
cross-examine the victim. She sez some really hard hitting stuff, and
all I can say is- the ep was beyond amazing:) esp coz I love E
soooooo much

Disclaimer: I don't think you even read this so what the hell

Feedback: is begged for as always

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         "....lets just eat," I say, trying to look busy pushing my
fork through the food on my plate. Yeah, I'm looking busy. But she's
turning again. Not good. She's shaking her head. She's gonna put it
all up front. I know that sign....

"Remember the day you graduated Eugene? The smile on your face, with
plans in your heart... We danced all night, when was the last time
you danced?...... Its not just that you dont have the time, there's
no dance left in you anymore....... I dont think they tell you that
at work, maybe they dont see it, but I do, I remember why you became
a lawyer Eugene, with plans in your heart..."

 ...And I'm right. I stare at her blankly, my eyes unfocused, big
words those, but they aren't doing anything to me.

"Can we please just eat?" I say, already trying to look busy
again. "Sure," she says. But my mind is reeling. Those walls that
barricade me from all this are threatening to collapse... but they
always do, just that fleeting moment when I have to be in control,
when I support them - and then they'll be strong again, supporting me
through things like this.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I walk out of the restaurant, with Sharon beside me, feeling the
silence hand over our heads like a thick, unintrusable fog. I can
barely focus on driving, my palms are all sweaty. Thats probably
because of what she said. Odd, I dont remember exactly what she said.
Maybe its cause I dont want to think about it over and over again.
But I can't stop myself, can I? Its hitting me... what she said...
its finally sinking in- in the real sense of the word.....

She looks so damn pretty, her hands folded, her face calm (and
blank), beside me in the car. So DAMN pretty.... Alright, so no
matter how great she looks, its not stopping me from thinking again,
about it. She turns to me now, and looks at me the same way she
looked about an hour ago, that concerned stare telling me things that
I'm always doubting, confirming them somehow. But she doesn't say
anything now. I'm relieved, really. I dont think I'll be able to face
that again. And I cant even say "Can we please just drive?", can I?
Atleast were eating then, it had been easy to push off what she had
said. And those damn words are still ringing in my head. Hammering
me. Torturing me. But it was sinking in..... Is that good? Because
now I'm weighing everything she said, asking myself if it's true. I
dont really want to. I'm afraid of the answer....

I brake the car as the light turns red. And slowly, I really dont
know why, I turn to her. She's still staring right ahead, probably
doing exactly what I'm doing. And instinctively, she turns to me. We
stare at each other, ignoring what is obviously going on in both of
our heads, but knowing that we're both ignoring it, we're guilty of
the same crime, and we know it. I shrink back again to my world of
thoughts. I think I stopped her from saying what she had been about
to say. Thank God. I can't take more of her today, I really cant. And
I realize, I do always, that she's too perfect for me... Too. Damn.
Perfect.

As I drive on, I try to understand her. Not that I never tried, I
did, but it would always end like today, and I take that for
granted.... Where was I?... yeah, her, no I'll never understand her.
She hates what I do, but she understands it. No no not why I'm doing
it, but the profession. Yeah, she understands it like no body I know
does, only with a completely different perspective. Thats what makes
it what it is, huh? Hard, different, unexplainable? Yeah, I guess so.
She wants me to get out of it, she constantly asks me to, well not in
words, but I know she wants me to. And obviously it isn't working,
hell, we're separated now, and I know it's because of that. But what
she'd just said, no, how she said it... its having the effect.
Damnit, this never bothered me before, so why should it now?

But I know why. I just have to accept it... I'm just not sure I'm
ready. I stop the car in front of her house. Wistfully, I think about
the time it had been ours. Ours.  She turns to me again, her voice
rising above, and somehow strangling, the mellow tunes I'm accustomed
to. No offence to anyone, its just that I'm biased when it comes to
her, always have been.

"Think about what I said Eugene, please," she says, not with the
nagging sense, but with that the-world-is-still-good---just-find-it
kind of way. I remember hating it once, I'm not sure I still do.
Hell, what d'you think I've been doing all this while? I want to say
sarcastically, but ofcourse, I dont. I'm not saying anything. Uh-uh
not good. She must've understood that I'm too damn busy being silent
and so she leans towards me, kisses my cheek and says "G'night" as if
she didn't want to corrupt my untouchable, important silence. I
manage to zoom in for a second and wish the same to her and watch her
go inside her house.

I'm left to myself again. And I realize, as I always do, that I'm at
peace with myself now. I pull out of her driveway, driving towards
that sorry excuse I call my home. Not that it isn't good to look at,
but you know what I mean, I have to call it my home. As I step in, I
realize that just like her, this too is perfect for me. Its not
really personalized (which is good, really, for someone like me), and
it has an atmosphere which reminds me of who I am, what I do, and why
I do it..... but its a *sorry excuse* because it doesn't work out,
just like her, exactly  because of those reasons.

I fix myself a cup of coffee and settle down on my bed. Big case
tomorrow. The case because of which all this is happening. The notes
and files are spread out before me, but they're all a jumble. I sigh
slightly, this just isn't going to happen tonight, I might be a
little too preoccupied...... with plans in my heart. Plans in my
heart.  Its time again.....

I've always had them, I admit to myself finally. Always. I want them
to take form, like dreams coming true, I want my plans to come alive;
instead of being locked up within, so long and so hard, that they're
unrecognizable, out of shape. But how long will it take to come back
again? Not long. Really not long. <sigh> All these years of trying to
ignore them and one dinner ruins it..... Ruin it? Do I really think
that? I know I dont hate it, I'm just not sure if I want to thank it.
Those plans, they had been so full, so fulfilling. I remember my
first case as a defense attorney, the smile on my face and the pang
of regret in my heart. The smile because I firmly believed, and I
obviously still do, that every man has to have his best shot at
courts, guilty or not. And that pang because I was positive that the
man was guilty. And I gave it my best, but it didn't come to verdict,
we settled for money. That was what made me go on, gave me everything
I needed to continue in this field. The settlement was a victory and
the thought that if the trial had gone ahead, the man would've been
in jail, that would've been victory too.

The naive thoughts that I was going to make a difference in this
society, by getting the innocent ones out... that had been my plan.
But I soon realized where I was headed. And then I gave up my plan.
<hmph> Digging it all up again, what am I doing?! I have a trial
tomorrow, and my client could be an innocent one. Part of my "plan",
I think sarcastically.... the trial.... right.... have to prepare for
cross-examining...

I have a vague idea about what I have to do..... there's something
nagging in the back of head.....Screw the preparation, was it
something Sharon said? Yeah, that I'm going to brutalize her
tomorrow. Am I?..... "A good man would quit before doing what you are
about to do"..... And again I'm fighting my emotions. But it's
ringing in my head, hard and strong.  A good man would quit. Well,
I'm not going to. I have a possibly innocent rabbi to defend, and I
can't risk being pulled down by all this. Does that make me bad? It
shouldn't. It's just not fair.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next day in court, I'm ready to "brutalize" her. Huh, I'm not,
watch me. I turn around once before beginning.... great, Sharon's
here. I try not to let that affect me. Actually it doesn't. B'coz I'm
in court, I'm doing what I'm best at. The audience doesn't matter.
Coz I know I'm good, and like I told Sharon yesterday, everyone here
knows that; they respect me for it. And I start cross-
examining............. "a good man would quit"... its ringing in my
head over and over again.......... cross-examine damnit, this is
court!.....

* * * * * * * * * *
(time for the verdict)

I'm sure I did my best. In my way, I did. But I fear this. I want to
walk out from here before I can hear the verdict, because I'm not so
sure about the rabbi's unintentional act of passion/rape....

"...We find the defendant, not guilty."

The room twirls around me, dizzy dizzy twirls. The rabbi is excitedly
thanking me.

"Don't date rabbi," I hear myself say. I mean it. The noise of the
reporters is defending. As I try to walk out, I notice the victim
staring at me with tear filled eyes. Now I'm only feeling nauseous.
Maybe I was wrong... maybe she was really raped.... the dizzy feeling
starts all over again and I can barely walk out, the reporters are
shooting off questions at me that I'm unable to answer. I dont think
I can make it to the lift. But someone is pushing through... making
way among the reporters, letting me walk. Sharon. She's shouting at
them, pushing into the lift. I'm blank for a moment, tight lipped,
and then I mumble a thank you. I'm not sure it sounds like I mean it.
But I hope she gets it. Those walls that I always depend on, finally
crack. I can't take it anymore. She must've noticed because she slips
an arm around me and I hug her, hanging on for dear life. Tears burn
my eyes, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, they
crack up, spill out. I'm crying. It's surreal, but I am. Not that I
thought I couldn't cry, but it had been so long, it's..... surreal
and it hurts, hurts a lot.

But as I think back, I try to tell myself that it's only this case,
but I know it isn't. This had been coming long, so long. And I'm
ready for it, whatever it is, this. I'm finally facing what my life
has been all these years, I can tell you, its not making me feel
good. Not even close. Those goddamned plans, wasted, down the drain,
tugging me with thin worn out strings, nagging me, making me crack. I
don't even try to pull back from her; I don't want to even see what
that holds. This is quite enough.

I don't remember when I got into the car, when Sharon took the keys
and started to drive, but as I settle down a bit, I remember the kid
I sent to jail- when Bobby had been hit by a car- the kid found
guilty only because I didn't say in words that he was innocent, then
the innocent client who I got off, the rapists I put back on the
streets, the client I hit in open court- the bastard who killed
kids....... the list goes on and on, it's not a pretty one, I know.
But..... <sigh> I'm saying it now, facing it finally...... I never
tried to justify anything, because I know that its not going to do
any good, but I'm trying to now, maybe it'll work, I hope to God it
does. My clients have been more guilty than innocent, but every
innocent man I've got out lives out there with his life owed to me.
They could've been rotting in prison for years together, but they're
not, because of me, because of what I did. Letting out guilty ones is
not a pretty act, but I fight for them, because there's always a
chance that looks could be deceptive that he might've been
innocent..... No, I don't believe that. See why I don't try to
justify? It's no use.

The innocent ones..... The guilty ones..... The ones who deserve to
be in jail, but aren't.... The ones who deserve to be free, and
are.....The reason behind being here ... its all coming back to
me..... And now this rabbi................................ the reason
I became a lawyer, it's not only Sharon who remembers it......

And suddenly, as suddenly as these go through my head, it's clear to
me. Makes sense to me.

I became a lawyer with plans in my heart. But not everything turns
out the way you plan it. No, it doesn't. Everyone knows that. But
eventually, they will, because they're not dreams, they're not hopes
to crash down. So if the unfinished ones hammer you, torture you, you
know what really matters. And you learn to live by them. Not to
surrender to them, but to live by them, because in your heart, you
know what matters... what really matters....


"*"

I've been the victim of a selfish kind of love,
One that doesn't care, doesn't love,
Only pushes, pushes to win, to succeed,
And what success this- failing all the success,
With the one brutal thought of love,
That which is unfound, that which doesn't exist,
Only the thought, brutal and loving;
I'm repenting for it right now,
I've been a victim of mere compulsion,
Compulsion that comes from me,
That stands on people I fight for,
Those who go back to do what they do,
And come back to me, to do what I do,
I can't understand this filthy mentality,
Someone give me a helping hand,
And help me break through and stand steady,
I'll restart, as I always promise to do,
Hoping to help those, like me, like me with needs,
Me, the one and only,
Broken, bent, out of shape,
Thirsty for the dreams which never come true,
With plans that never take a form,
Holding, breathing and sleeping,
The life that I mould myself,
All to go against everything I planned,
Against everything I dreamt, I built,
Of illusions that were plans,
Of plans that were dreams,
Of dreams in my mind,
Of plans in my heart.

I stand now, with or without the savior of my cry for help,
I stand now, thinking, about everything I cried out for,
I stand now, praying, to get them all back,
Not the dreams, because they're cherished, they're always there,
Not the plans, because they're what I am, they're with me,
But for the profound, brutal shaft of love- love thats work.
How many do you find, with the noble thought of love for their work?
Of a veneration to it- to what they do, for what they do,
Of a thought of unending respect, to those dreams,
Dreams that are cherished,
Plans that are made,
In the heart, in the soul, in the mind, in the body,
Endless plans, to be fulfilled,
To give peace to the hollowness of the exhaustion of the body,
The body that works towards these plans, these goals,
In the heart, in the soul, in the mind, in the body;
Working, working, working,
With the joy and pain that spreads from it,
Because I know why I'm doing it,
Because I know how I'm doing it,
Because I know I'm doing it now,
Doing it for plans in my heart,
Erected long ago, fulfilled only now,
These plans, yes, these plans;
I stand here, I stand today,
With a single noble thought,
Of unending love, brutal love I say again, for my work,
Love that's hate, hate that's success,
With plans that don't crash,
Because they're within,
Deep deep within, where no arc cuts through,
Yes, I stand here, I stand forever...
………With plans in my heart.

"*"

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Ok, how much did it suck? Did it make sense? Was I completely off the
mark here? You know what you have to do now... please be gentle.

Sahiti
(who's SO scared right now, its not even funny