Title: Losing Streak (part 1)

Author: Ally (alleyb178@yahoo.com)

Author's Note: B/L are married but have no children. In fact, you can 
ignore the events of season 5 altogether. The story should run for 
about 12 parts or maybe more if I have enjoy writing it and I'll only 
enjoy writing it if you enjoy reading it.  Feedback is imperative! 
Thanks to Lisa who deemed this part postable. And to Livvy, wherever 
she is, for all her help. Oh...and I am not a doctor, so any medical 
mistakes I make are not intended and I apologise in advance if I have 
made any.

Disclaimer: These are not my characters. They belong to DEK and ABC.

*********************************

PART 1

 

There was a rustle from the gallery as people seated themselves for the 
long awaited verdict. Bobby looked hopefully at the solemn faces of 
the jury as they seated themselves in the jury box and felt the pounding 
of his heart in his chest. Their expression gave him no feeling of hope.

 

"...We find the defendant...guilty," the man gave the defense table a 
sympathetic glance and took his seat. The judge faced the gallery and 
intoned, "The jury has made their decision. Bailiff, take Mr. Kroner 
into lockup."

 

Bobby heard the words with disbelief and turned numbly to the man 
sitting next to him, "We'll appeal. Just stay calm. We'll appeal." He 
watched as Kroner was handcuffed and led away and turned to 
Eugene who was sitting next to him, "How...?" he shook his head, 
unable to even comprehend the jury's decision.

Eugene was just as shocked, "I have no idea."

Bobby picked up his briefcase and left the courtroom. He pushed his 
way through the reporters and once safely in the elevator he rubbed his 
face tiredly, "That was our fourth guilty finding in a row. "Why are we 
losing?"

Eugene shook his head; sharing Bobby's concern "I don't know."

"Lindsay and I go to trial next week. We cannot afford to lose again."

"I don't think there is anything we can change."

"Eugene if we're losing, we must be doing something wrong."

"We're doing what we've always done."

"Maybe that's the problem."

"Let's see how we do next week. If we lose, we'll meet and figure out 
how to deal with it."

"If we lose, that will be 5 straight losses."

"Everybody has to lose at some point or another."

They made it to the street and waited for a cab, "How is the Kiereth 
case coming along?" Eugene asked, referring to the case that would be 
going to trial next week.

"Before today, I thought that we had a good chance. But now..." 
Bobby trailed off, still unable to believe that they had lost.

"You still have a good chance. Don't start admitting defeat just yet."

"I know. We meet with her again in two days...I hope she isn't 
watching the news tonight."

"She wouldn't fire you for losing someone else's case."

"I wouldn't be so sure. Have you met this woman? She's frightening."

Eugene grinned, "Is that why you always send Lindsay to meet with 
her?"

Bobby's face turned pink, "Lindsay can handle her better than I can."

"She always comes back complaining."

"They get along."

Eugene gave him a withering look, "You keep telling yourself that."

 

They arrived at the office minutes later, "How'd it go?" Lucy asked 
brightly.

"We lost."

Ellenor looked up with surprise, "You what?"

"They came back with a guilty verdict."

"How? You said-"

"Obviously I was wrong."

Rebecca came out of the conference room with a client and walked 
him outside. The conversation died down until the client was safely out 
of hearing range.

"Who was that?" Bobby asked distractedly.

"New client. Harrison West. He wants to sue some doctors for his 
wife's death," Lucy informed him.

"Oh." Bobby didn't even want to imagine the pain that the man must be 
feeling. "Where's Lindsay?"

"Meeting with Barbara Keireth."

Bobby silently congratulated himself again for getting out of that 
appointment. He looked at Ellenor, "Any news on Abbott?"

"We got the continuance. But we haven't been able to locate his 
supposed alibi."

"Keep looking."

"Of course."

Feeling that he was up to speed on all the current cases, Bobby took 
his messages into his office and closed the door. The bravado was all 
very well, but the verdict had really shaken him. He wasn't used to 
losing so regularly and needed time to think about it. 

 

He wasn't given that time. 

 

The door swung open and Lindsay stalked in, "That is the last time I 
see that woman without you."

"Lindsay. I need some privacy."

She reached out and closed the door with a bang, "I'm not going to 
say it again, Bobby. She's evil."

He rubbed his eyes, "Can you yell at me later? Book me in for eight 
tonight."

"Funny." Her tone became sympathetic, "Lucy told me about the 
verdict. I'm sorry."

He raised his eyes to meet hers, "I'm still in shock."

She shrugged, "So you'll appeal. It's not the end of the world."

"It isn't just this case that worries me. It's the culmination of all the 
losses."

"All the losses? There have only been three."

"Four."

"Okay. Four. It still isn't the end of the world," she repeated.

"We can't have people think that we're losers."

"We're not losers."

"People are fickle, Lindsay. We lose a couple of cases and people 
lose their faith in us. They decide that they should go down the street 
where the lawyers are actually winning cases."

Lindsay was amused, "This is really getting to you, isn't it?"

Bobby decided that it was time to change the subject, "So how did 
your meeting with Barbara go?"

Lindsay frowned, at first frustrated by his obvious attempt to change 
the subject but then pleased to be given a chance to complain again. "I 
am never meeting with her again. She gives new meaning to the word 
annoying. She spent the whole time complaining about life in jail. The 
food is bad...she doesn't get enough sleep...the other women are 
annoying...she 'never' stops. She should have thought about that before 
she whacked her neighbour over the head with a shovel. Hitting my 
head against a brick wall would have been more pleasurable than 
meeting with her. I wanted to...she made me so...I am never meeting 
with her again."

"Lindsay-" Bobby began soothingly.

She pointed a finger at him, "This is your fault and I am not going to let 
you cajole me into meeting with her again."

"This case will be over in a week, let it go."

"Easy for you to say. You haven't met with her since the arraignment."

"She doesn't like me," Bobby argued, harbouring a hurt expression.

 Lindsay hid her smile, "I don't like you very much at the moment 
either. I suddenly understand why a person would kill their spouse."

"So I should hide all the kitchen knives tonight?" he teased.

"Probably."

"I'll meet with her next time. Happy?"

"Yes. And I hope she is as horrible to you as she was to me today."

"Thanks a lot. Are you ready to go home?" he asked, placing files into 
his briefcase.

"Yeah. Actually, I've been feeling a little run down lately."

"Anything wrong?" he asked, immediately concerned.

"No. Just tired."

"Maybe you should see a doctor."

She smiled at his protectiveness, "No. I am sure that all I need is a 
good night's sleep."

He stared at her for a moment before accepting her explanation, "Let's 
go then."

She followed him out of the office and after waving goodbye to 
everybody they left together. 

 

***

 

Lindsay lay quietly in bed that night so as not to wake Bobby. She had 
had an odd feeling in her stomach for the past few days. It had begun 
as a background tingling, but now it positively ached. She sighed and 
rolled over, placing her head on Bobby's chest and listening to his 
steady heartbeat. Bobby stirred and wrapped his arm around her 
subconsciously, pulling her closer to him. Enclosed in his arms, she 
found it easier to ignore the pain and fell asleep.

 

Hours later Lindsay was awake again and sipping coffee. Bobby was 
reading the newspaper, but looked up curiously when she sighed.

"What's up?"

"I think I should see a doctor."

He raised his eyebrows, his concern obvious. "Why?"

"I haven't been feeling well and I've been feeling so tired lately...I don't 
know what's wrong."

A possibility developed in Bobby's mind and a smile slowly spread 
over his face, "Could it be...?"

She smiled back, enjoying his reaction, "Nope."

His face fell, "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. Those pills I pop every morning...you may have 
noticed?...they're pretty effective. And you may also have noticed my 
bad moods last week. You should know by now what that means."

He whistled softly and replied gravely, "I sure do."

She slapped him lightly, "Funny. I've probably just picked up a virus 
somewhere. It's a pain in the ass...especially with the trial next week."

"Your health is more important than the trial."

She snorted, "Then who will you blackmail to meet with Barbara?"

"Ellenor," he replied without hesitation.

She raised her eyebrows, "So I can be replaced that easily?"

"At the office you can. I don't think Ellenor would be too pleased if I 
asked her to come home with me, though."

"I'll take that as a compliment. But in the future, answer that question 
with a firm no."

He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, "You could 
never be replaced," he whispered in her ear.

She smiled softly and kissed him on the forehead, "That's better."

 

***

 

"Lindsay Dole?" The nurse called.

Lindsay stood up and followed her into the exam room.

"The doctor will be with you shortly."

"Thanks"

Lindsay looked around the room curiously. She felt no anxiety about 
her tiredness, and smiled at the doctor when she walked in. Jill was the 
daughter of a family friend and Lindsay felt comfortable talking to her. 
Her doctor's appointments usually ended up as gossip sessions 
between the two.

Jill grinned when she saw her, "Hi Lindsay, how are you?"

"Hey Jill. I'm fine."

Jill raised her eyebrows, "Then why are you here?"

Lindsay chuckled, why did she always say she was fine? "Well...I've 
been feeling a little tired lately. And last night I had an ache in my 
stomach and it's a little swollen today."

"Where?"

Lindsay pointed to her lower abdomen, "Here."

"And you've been feeling tired?"

"Yeah. It is probably just stress. We have a big case going to trial next 
week, and everyone is in a frenzy over it. I am sure that if I get a good 
night's sleep, I'll feel better. But the pain worries me."

"Hmmm. What about nausea or loss of appetite? 

"Loss of appetite, but not nausea."

"Okay. Lie back for me?"

Lindsay lay back on the bed and Jill lifted her blouse, gently prodding 
her abdomen. "Let me know if it hurts, okay?"

Lindsay nodded. Jill's prodding fingers hit a sensitive spot and Lindsay 
cried out suddenly, "Ow!"

Jill stopped prodding and breathed out slowly, "You're married now, 
aren't you?"

"Yeah. Six months ago."

"And pregnancy isn't a possibility?"

"I'm on the pill. And I had a period last week."

"The pill isn't 100% effective."

"I know."

"And some women do menstruate even when they're pregnant. This is 
probably nothing, but I want to run some tests."

Lindsay nodded with agreement, "What sort of tests?"

"First I'll need a urine sample to rule out pregnancy."

Lindsay wrinkled her nose, "Okay..."

"Then...we'll go from there. The next step will probably be a blood 
test, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'll get the nurse to 
show you where the bathroom is. Here's the cup."

"Thanks," Lindsay replied dryly. She eyed the cup with distaste and 
followed the nurse to the bathroom.

"Take your time," she was encouraged cheerfully.

"Don't worry...I will."

 

***

 

Bobby looked at his watch and took a huge bite of his sandwich. His 
lunchbreak was almost over and he hadn't even started it yet. He 
heard the phone ring in the outer office and prayed that it wouldn't be 
for him.

"Bobby! It's someone called Jill," Lucy called.

Bobby paused, who the hell was Jill? He put down his sandwich and 
took a swig of water, "Bobby Donnell."

"Bobby. I'm sorry to call you at work, but I'm Lindsay's doctor."

Bobby felt his face freeze and his voice came out as a croak, "Hi. 
What can I do for you?"

"Lindsay came to see me today and I am concerned about some test 
results. I think you should be here with her."

"I'll be right there." He hung up the phone and numbly grabbed his 
coat. "I'm going out. Cancel everything," he said to Lucy as he rushed 
out the door.

"Where are you going?" she yelled desperately after him, but her plea 
wasn't heard. "And I bet he didn't take his cell phone," she muttered 
grumpily to herself.

 

***

 

"Lindsay!" Bobby called anxiously when he saw her face in the waiting 
room,

She turned with surprise, "Bobby! What are you doing here?"

"Your doctor called me. She said that I should be here. What's going 
on?"

Lindsay's cheerful expression changed to one of worry, "I don't know. 
They took a blood test and she asked me to wait out here."

"She didn't say anything to you?"

"No."

Jill appeared in front of them, "Lindsay. Bobby. Follow me."

She waited until they were both seated before beginning. "Let me 
begin by saying that this could be nothing."

"But...?" Lindsay asked in a small voice.

"But...it may be something big. We won't get the blood test results 
back until tomorrow, but I had a pathologist friend of mine look at a 
blood smear. We identified an excessive number of white blood cells 
which could mean many things, but isn't a good sign. The actual blood 
test will tell us a lot more. But coupled with the associated pain, loss of 
appetite and lethargy...I have made a tentative diagnosis."

"What is it?" Bobby croaked.

"It could be nothing. But it could also be cancer."

There was a shocked silence as both Lindsay and Bobby digested the 
news.

"Cancer?" Lindsay finally whispered.

She forged on, "Ovarian cancer. There currently isn't a standard 
diagnostic test, in fact, the best diagnostic tool that we have is 
ultrasound. I'd like to do one now."

"Of course."

"I'll be right back." They watched her leave and turned to each other in 
dumb shock.

Bobby's mouth was dry and cottony and he searched his brain for 
something to say. Lindsay looked frightened and he wanted to comfort 
her in some way but the words just wouldn't come. He opened his 
mouth and she turned to him desperately.

"She said that it might be nothing."

"But it could be cancer," Lindsay replied with wide eyes.

"We have to be optimistic."

Lindsay wasn't given an opportunity to respond. A nurse walked in 
and smiled sympathetically, "Jill's ready for you."

They followed her out to another room, where ultrasound equipment 
was set up. Lindsay lay back and gripped Bobby's hand tightly. She 
felt the coldness of the gel hit her belly and gasped with surprise. It 
was really cold. She watched the screen with the doctor, unable to 
recognise anything in the grey mist of the ultrasound. Jill pointed to 
various blobs, muttering "Colon...kidney...bladder..." She paused on a 
section and studied it seriously. She turned to Lindsay and Bobby and 
looked them each in the eye, "This is your left ovary."

Bobby squinted at the screen. He could vaguely make out a globular 
shape.

"This one looks fine. It's the right size and you can see the smooth 
outer edge. But you experienced the pain on the right." She squeezed 
more gel onto Lindsay's stomach and looked back at the screen. 
"Okay. Here's the right ovary." She paused and looked at it closely, 
changing the focus and using markers to outline a small patch. She 
took a deep breath and looked back at Lindsay and Bobby.

"This doesn't look good."

PART 2 

They continued to stare back at her.

"You can see this section here...it is a growth of some kind. It may be 
benign, but we'll have to take a biopsy to be sure."

She received no response from either of them.

"I'll refer you on to an oncologist. There is a wonderful gynaecologic 
oncologist that is doing amazing things with ovarian cancer. I want you 
to see him tomorrow."

Lindsay nodded numbly. She felt like her world had come crashing 
down. This morning she had woken thinking she had the flu and now 
she had cancer. Her life had changed dramatically in just seconds.

"I am so sorry. Do either of you have any questions?"

Bobby cleared his throat, "If it is malignant...what is the success rate?"

"The oncologist can tell you more, but I believe if we catch it early, 
there is an 85% success rate after treatment."

"Is this early?" he asked.

Lindsay closed her eyes. She needed time to absorb the news before 
she could even begin to consider success rates and treatment. She 
wished Bobby would just shut up and not take control of a situation 
for once in his life.

Jill saw Lindsay mentally shut them out and looked back at Bobby, 
shaking her head, "In most cases by the time we diagnose it the cancer 
has spread. This looks to be fairly advanced."

"What does that mean?"

"Stop, Bobby." Lindsay whispered suddenly

He turned to her with surprise, "I'm just-"

"Don't. Not now."

His eyes pleaded with her, "But-"

She shook her head adamantly. "Ask tomorrow. I don't think I can 
take this right now."

Jill decided to step in, "It's probably a good idea if you digest the news 
first. The oncologist is better equipped to answer any questions that 
you have. We'll also know more when we get the blood tests back. I'll 
call Dr. Foster now." She left quietly. Lindsay stood up and kept her 
eyes focussed away from Bobby. He felt her shut him out and blew 
out a deep breath, trying not to get angry, but unable to rid himself of 
the need to know everything. Know thy enemy, the first rule of 
combat, he thought, and if this wasn't war, he didn't know what was. 
He just couldn't understand Lindsay's desire to remain uninformed. Jill 
reappeared with two books in her hand.

"The appointment is made. Here are the details." She handed Lindsay 
a sheet of paper before turning to Bobby, "I want to loan you these 
books. Just in case either of you want to know a little bit more about 
the disease." She handed them to Bobby and he smiled gratefully.

"I'll keep in touch." She promised.

She showed them out and they slowly made their way to their cars.

Bobby squeezed Lindsay's shoulder. "I'll see you at home. We can 
talk about it more if you want."

Lindsay looked at her feet, "I'm going to the office."

"What?"

"I have work to do. I'll see you tonight." She opened the car door and 
started the engine. Bobby stood on the kerb and watched her 
disappear down the road. 'Well I'm not going back to the office,' he 
thought. He looked at the books in his hand and was hit with an idea. 
The library. What better place to do research.

 

***

 

As soon as Lindsay walked into the office, she knew it was a mistake.

"Lindsay!" Luc exclaimed brightly. "Where have you been?"

"Out." She replied stiffly.

"Well duh. Out where? And where is Bobby?"

"I think he went home."

"Home? At 3 pm? Not likely."

Lindsay breathed deeply to dispel her annoyance, "I don't know where 
he is. Can I go now or do you want someone else to cross examine 
me?" she stalked to her desk and sat down heavily.

"So-rry!" Lucy whispered sarcastically. "Talk about a hostile witness."

Lindsay sat silently, staring blankly at the clutter on her desk. How 
could this be, she asked herself over and over. It seemed that every 
time she became happy, someone pulled the rug out from beneath her. 
She almost felt breathless at this latest problem. Cancer? That was 
something your aunt got. It didn't happen to people like me. She 
switched on her computer and typed "cancer" into the search engine. It 
replied with over a million hits. She sat back and stared at it in stunned 
silence. She slowly became more courageous and typed "ovarian 
cancer". There were a surprising number of websites devoted to the 
topic, from informative sites to support groups. She exited hurriedly 
and sat again in silence. Her lack of activity didn't go unnoticed by 
Lucy and Ellenor. Both eyed each other warily. Neither wanted to 
bring up the subject, but they also didn't want the other to start. Finally 
Ellenor piped up, "Are you okay, Lindsay?"

Lindsay looked up guiltily, "I'm fine. Can't a person in this office think 
for a minute without being bombarded with questions?" 

"I'm sorry. I was just curious," Ellenor apologised quickly.

"Well go be curious about someone else." She grabbed her things and 
stood, "I have to go."

"But you only just got here!" Lucy protested.

Lindsay acted as though she didn't hear and continued out the door. 
Lucy turned to Ellenor with wide eyes, "Do you think they're fighting 
again?"

"I don't know. But I'm sure it's nothing."

"It didn't look like nothing to me." Lucy replied, turning back to her 
work.

"Me neither." Ellenor whispered to herself.

 

***

 

Bobby sat at home with left over soup in front of him. He had no idea 
where Lindsay was and wasn't sure whether he was ready to face her. 
His trip to the library had been successful and he was now equipped 
with a fairly good understanding of what they were up against. The 
success rate for a late diagnosed ovarian cancer was less than 10%. 
The statistic numbed him, and the news seemed only to get worse. 
Ovarian cancer was the second most common cancer in women after 
breast cancer. But he felt positive. Lindsay wouldn't die – they had too 
much going for them for anything to go wrong now.

 

He looked up when she walked in and promised himself that he would 
say nothing to make her angry. She needed support not an enemy. He 
pasted a smile on his face and kissed her tenderly, "Hey, you must be 
hungry. I'll reheat something for you."

"No," she replied dully. "I've already eaten. I'm going to bed."

His smile faded, "Ok. Do you want some wine? Or a cup of tea?"

"No thanks." She kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Goodnight."

"Night."

 

An hour later he entered their bedroom to find her curled up beneath 
the sheets with one arm flung onto his pillow. He undressed quickly 
and slipped in next to her, frowning when she rolled away from him. 
With a sigh he pulled the covers up to his chin and spent the night in 
deep thought. Bobby finally gave up on sleep just after four and 
Lindsay found him two hours later reading a brief.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and nibbled his ear, "I'm 
sorry," she whispered.

He stroked her arm, "I know."

"It's just…I don't know how to react."

"I know."

She slowly blew out a breath, quelling her frustration with him. "I don't 
understand how can you be so calm about this."

He rubbed his temples thoughtfully, "I don't think it has really hit me 
yet."

"This is serious, Bobby."

He put the brief down and put his hands on her shoulders "We don't 
know that yet. Let's wait until we talk to the oncologist."

Lindsay bit her lip, "I am so scared." Tears threatened to fall and 
Bobby wrapped his arms around her.

"It will be okay. I'm sure of it."

"How do you know?" she whispered.

"Because we have too much going for us for anything to go wrong."

"I went to see my mother yesterday."

"You did?" he asked, surprised.

She smiled ruefully, "It probably wasn’t a smart decision."

"How did she react?"

"With tears…regret. You see…her sister died of ovarian cancer."

Bobby digested the news.

"I wanted to tell her first…to prepare her…" Lindsay continued 
quietly.

Bobby could see where she was going with this, "Everything is going to 
be all right, Linds. Trust me."

Her eyes revealed her doubts. "I also told Helen. We had dinner…she 
spent most of it crying. She wants me to call her after the 
appointment."

"Why?"

"She wants to know if it's bad news."

"It won't be."

"We don't know that." 

"Everything will be all right," he repeated. Lindsay buried her face in his 
chest and tried with all her might to believe him.

 

***

 

At eight, Bobby called the office.

"Lucy, Lindsay and I won't be in until lunchtime. Can you cancel all our 
appointments?"

"Bobby, is something wrong? One day is suspicious enough, but two 
workaholics taking TWO days off…I don't believe it," Lucy's voice 
bounced down the line.

"It's nothing…please, just cancel our appointments."

"Okay…but I take no responsibility for the rumours that may get 
started."

"Bye Lucy."

"And what am I going to tell the others?" she suddenly exclaimed. 
Bobby hung up the phone.

 

***

 

A tall and distinguished looking doctor walked into the room, exuding 
experience and confidence. Lindsay and Bobby immediately relaxed. 

"I'm Dr. Morris, you must be Lindsay."

Lindsay attempted a smile and shook his hand.  "This is my husband, 
Bobby Donnell." 

They shook hands. "Okay. I like to get the bad news over with, so 
here's the synopsis. Via ultrasound and blood test we have come to 
the conclusion that you do indeed have ovarian cancer. Our first attack 
against it will be surgery and then I'd like to begin chemotherapy and 
radiation therapy. Any questions so far?"

He looked at their numb expressions, "I understand that this seems 
sudden, but we need to begin treating this immediately. The symptoms 
of cancer don't often appear until a late stage, so we always begin at a 
disadvantage. Unfortunately, yours was a late diagnosis."

Bobby saw the odds of survival plummet from 85% to 10%. Now he 
allowed himself to get scared.

"What about side effects?" Lindsay mumbled, disliking the sound of 
chemotherapy.

"Cancer is difficult to treat and we are forced to use drastic measures. 
The side effects are awful, and I won't hide that from you. I can even 
introduce you to some other patients of mine who will talk you through 
it."

Lindsay nodded.

The doctor continued, "Treatment is much more successful now than it 
was ten years ago. I don't want to give false hope, but treating a 
primary cancer is much easier than treating secondaries. Let's begin 
treatment and go from there."

 

The appointment continued for another hour. Details were given until 
both Lindsay and Bobby felt swamped. Finally the doctor stood and 
walked them out of his office. Lindsay had another appointment the 
next day for more accurate tests. Bobby took her hand and led her 
back to his car.

"Let's not go back to the office," he suggested impulsively. "I'll call 
Lucy."

"I think we have to tell them, Bobby."

"It can wait a day."

"No. I don't want to keep them in the dark. I want to tell them now."

Against his better judgement he agreed and drove them to the office.

 

It was a solemn pair that entered the office. Lucy looked up as they 
entered. She didn't appreciate being hung up on and had some words 
to say to Bobby but their expressions made her revise what she was 
going to say. Instead she joked, "Who died?"

Lindsay turned to her blankly, and Lucy realised belatedly that 
hindsight was in fact a wonderful thing.

"Is everybody here?" Bobby glanced around the office, seeing just 
Ellenor.

Lucy nodded, "Eugene's in his office, Jimmy and Bec are in the 
conference room."

"Get Eugene."

He led Lindsay to the conference room. Once everybody was 
assembled, Bobby took Lindsay's hand.

Jimmy saw the gesture and grinned, "Are you pregnant?"

Bobby shook his head, "No…we have some bad news."

Rebecca raised her eyebrows, "What is it?"

Bobby was about to launch into a lengthy explanation, but Lindsay 
beat him to it, "I have cancer." Her words reverberated around the 
room.

"Cancer?" Ellenor whispered in shock.

Lindsay nodded, tears beginning to prick her eyes.

Questions raced through everybody's minds.

"Cancer of what?" Eugene asked.

Lindsay turned to him, "Ovarian cancer."

"When did you find out?" was Rebecca's question.

"Yesterday," Bobby answered.

"I am so sorry," Ellenor said, addressing them both. She knew that the 
news would have as great effect on Bobby as it would Lindsay. She 
may not have been a great fan of their relationship in the beginning, but 
she knew now that they were right for each other. This cancer could 
destroy them.

Eugene's mind was back on business, "I'll take over the Kiereth case."

"That won't be necessary," Lindsay responded calmly.

"I think you both need some time off."

"I don't feel sick, Eugene. I want to be treated normally."

"Although I'm worried about how you feel, Lindsay, it's not my 
primary concern. I'm more worried about how the news will affect 
you. You won't be in the right frame of mind to try a murder case."

"I can do the damn case!" Lindsay snapped.

"Lindsay…" Bobby soothed.

She ignored him, "This is what I didn't want…I don't want…sympathy; 
I don't want to be treated as though I'm fragile. Please…treat me as 
though nothing's wrong." Her plea was heartfelt and the issue was 
dropped for the moment. Bobby silently agreed with Eugene but knew 
that this wasn't the right place to talk about it. It would take hours of 
gentle persuasion, not an order.

 

***

 

"All rise."

Lindsay buttoned her suit jacket and rose with the defendant. Bobby 
stood on Barbara Kiereth's other side, feeling wholly defeated. 
Lindsay looked calm on the exterior, but he knew that she was in 
turmoil inside. Needless to say he had lost the argument regarding time 
off. His thoughts were interrupted by the DA's call of the first witness.

"Commonwealth calls Detective Maguire." The trial began.

 

Lindsay felt completely unprepared. She had spent the night reading 
through the evidence, preparing arguments and worrying about the 
trial. She felt more tired than she was willing to admit. She tried to 
concentrate on the trial.

"…She was obviously feeling guilty about what she had done…" 
Maguire was saying. Hiller looked to the defense table for objections 
and frowned when there was none. Both defense attorneys were 
staring blankly at the papers in front of them.

"I have to ask you not to offer opinions pertaining to the defendant's 
psychological state, Detective," Hiller cautioned.

Barbara had watched Law and Order enough to know that her 
attorney's should have been the ones to object. She frowned at them 
both and breathed an almost imperceptible, annoyed sigh.

The sigh woke Bobby up and he managed to make it through to 
lunchtime without any more glaringly obvious mistakes, but Barbara 
had a lot to say about their performance.

"What the hell were you doing out there?" she shrieked.

"Excuse me?" Bobby responded with annoyance.

"I bet you didn't hear one word! The judge was practically doing your 
job! I did not pay good money-"

"Oh shut up!" Lindsay interrupted.

Barbara glared at her, "What did you say?"

"I said shut up! I am so sick of listening to you complain. Maybe you 
should have thought about the consequences BEFORE you killed your 
neighbour."

"I am NOT guilty." Barbara yelled back.

"Lindsay-" Bobby tried to interrupt.

Lindsay continued without hearing, "Oh please! She was sleeping with 
your husband, you have no alibi, your fingerprints were found on the 
shovel. Exactly where do you see a case for us?"

"I was gardening, so of course my fingerprints would be on it."

Lindsay looked pointedly at the woman's perfectly manicured nails, 
"Gardening?" she gave a short laugh, "Lying won't get you anywhere."

"I AM innocent and I resent you saying that I am not. I want new 
lawyers."

"Barbara…" Bobby soothed, glaring at Lindsay. "We know what 
we're doing. We are giving the prosecution a chance to tell their side of 
the story. We'll get our turn soon."

"I at least want HER off the case," she snapped, pointing a fire engine 
red fingernail at Lindsay.

"Lindsay is cross examining the next witness, so I need her today. 
After that it will just be me." Bobby decided, silencing Lindsay with a 
look.

Barbara nodded with assent. A knock on the door signalled the 
beginning of the afternoon session. Bobby sighed: he had a bad feeling 
about this case.

 

PART 3

 

The DA glanced at the defense table with speculation. She had a 
feeling that she might be able to get away with a lot today and decided 
that she should grasp it while she had the chance. It wasn't often that a 
DA could slide things past Bobby Donnell.

"Mr Williams, thank you for appearing today, I know this must be 
difficult for you."

"It is," he answered simply.

"Barbara Kiereth was your neighbour, am I correct?"

"Yes. She lived next door for about ten years."

"And what was her relationship with your wife?"

"They didn't get along."

"Can you explain?"

"Barbara and my wife hated each other. They fought right from the 
moment they met, when Barbara told my wife that her casserole tasted 
like…uh…manure. She also cut down two of our rose bushes that 
were on the fence because she said they clashed with her tulips. We 
couldn't believe it. They have been fighting ever since."

Lindsay gave Barbara a disgusted look.

"Were they fighting at the time of your wife's death?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell us what was happening?"

He shook his head, "To be honest, I don't really know."

"What do you mean?"

"My wife usually tells me what is going on in excruciating detail. She 
never stopped…" he smiled sadly. "I used to tease her about it."

"Please continue, Mr. Williams."

"But this time, she closed up and wouldn't say what was happening. 
There were the usual problems…Barbara was telling lies about us all 
over the neighbourhood…we used to baby-sit for a family down the 
road and they suddenly refused to talk to us. But there was something 
else. I don't know what it was."

The DA snuck a look at Bobby, "Do you think that it was the reason 
the defendant killed your wife?"

There was no objection from the defense, causing both the judge and 
Barbara to look at them furiously.

"I do," the husband answered calmly. The DA smiled triumphantly and 
continued her questioning.

 

Lindsay saw the DA's smug look and wondered what had happened. 
She had tuned out again and by the looks of Bobby's glazed eyes, he 
had too. She buttoned her coat and stood, exuding a confidence that 
she didn't feel.

"Mr. Williams, I am sorry for your loss."

He nodded his acceptance.

"The defendant and your wife were not the best of friends, am I 
correct?"

The man looked at her quizzically, "As I explained to the DA, they 
hated each other from the beginning."

It woke Lindsay up considerably, what else had the DA asked? she 
wondered. "I am just establishing that there was tension between them.

"Yes there was."

"Did your wife do anything to add to this tension?"

"I am sure that she did."

"Do you know of any particular events, sir?"

"Well…Barbara was such a snob about her garden, that Hillary…my 
wife…would plant things just to annoy Barbara. She would make the 
colours and styles clash as much as she could. But she wasn't 
vindictive, Ms. Dole, if that is what you are suggesting."

"Did she not also steal the defendant's mail on occasion?"

"Barbara certainly accused her of doing it, but it was never proved."

"I am asking you whether she did it, Mr. Williams."

He sighed, "Yes, she did."

"And you don't consider that vindictive?"

"It wasn't as bad as what she did."

Lindsay began feeling a little more confident, the fishing expedition had 
worked, "Yes, we have heard all about that. So what happened in the 
week before your wife died, Mr. Williams?"

"As I told the DA, I don't know exactly."

"Why don't you know?"

"My wife refused to talk about it. She told me that Barbara was being 
the usual…uh…bitch…and that she would deal with it in her usual 
way."

"And what way is that?"

"She used to enjoy plotting some sort of revenge. I figured that was 
what she meant."

"Okay." Well, there goes that lead, Lindsay thought. She had an idea 
and looked at Bobby, who was again staring into space. Barbara 
looked slightly mollified, but ready to explode again if Lindsay stuffed 
up.

"Mr. Williams," she began. "Where were you on the day that your wife 
died?"

There was a hush around the courtroom and the DA looked amazed at 
the change in tactics.

"I was in London," he replied calmly.

Lindsay wanted to hide behind the defense table. What a stupid thing 
to do, she thought, mentally slapping her forehead. "Okay. Thank you, 
Mr. Williams," she finished weakly, sitting beside Bobby. She wanted 
to weep. Barbara simply seethed, wishing she had a shovel handy for 
the idiotic defense attorneys she had hired.

 

Eugene had slipped into the back of the courtroom to watch some of 
the trial. He was worried about this case, knowing that neither Lindsay 
nor Bobby were in any condition to be trying a murder case. He 
watched Lindsay's appalling performance with a grimace and decided 
that it was high time that he took over. 

 

The day soon ended, much to Bobby's relief. Eugene joined them on 
the way out, providing a shield from the prying reporters. Barbara 
followed close by and carefully chose her words for when they were 
alone. She was ready to use the word malpractice a lot and also 
ignorant and stupid. She just couldn't believe that she had chosen this 
firm on the basis of their reputation.

 

"What the hell do you think you were doing in there?" Barbara 
screeched as soon as they were in the office.

"Barbara…" Bobby began.

"No, I won't let you placate me. That was laughable, you let the DA 
walk all over you, she got away with questions any person off the 
street would object to. I am firing you.

"You can't fire us in the middle of trial."

"Well I am and I'm sure that the judge will allow it after that ridiculous 
performance."

"May I make a suggestion," Eugene interrupted calmly.

Barbara waved her hand at him. "Go ahead."

"I think I should take over."

"You can't take over in the middle of the trial, Eugene," Bobby argued.

"I'll ask the judge to tell the jury that there was a good reason for the 
change in lawyers and that the jury shouldn't read anything into it."

Barbara turned to him with a look of absolute adoration and then 
whined, "But don't you think we should ask for a new trial?"

"I don't think the judge will allow it."

Barbara took Eugene's arm and led him into his office chatting away 
about her prospects. Lindsay watched with a slight smile on her face, 
glad to be rid of the bitch, while Bobby simply turned to another file 
that lay casually on his desk.

"Let's go home," Lindsay yawned.

Concern flooded Bobby's face, "Are you okay?"

"I'm tired. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks."

Bobby stood and wrapped his arms around her protectively, and 
Lindsay pressed her face against his shoulder. They stood as if in stone 
until Lucy walked in unawares.

"Oh…sorry." She made a fast exit, but her interruption caused them to 
break apart and collect their things. They waved goodbye to 
everybody and left the office, neither proud of their efforts that day, 
but too tired to really care: Barbara hadn't inspired any real sympathy 
in either of them. 

"Let's get Chinese on the way home," Bobby suggested suddenly, 
leading her to the car.

Lindsay smiled her first real smile of the day and nodded her 
agreement, "Remember-"

"How could I forget?" Bobby interrupted with a laugh, remembering 
the time when he and Lindsay had first become a Real Couple. She 
had taken the last prawn cracker and he had tried to kiss it out of her 
mouth, only to choke dramatically on it when he finally stolen it.

"I have never laughed so hard in my life."

He groaned, "I didn't think I'd ever live it down."

"You still haven't," Lindsay replied with a giggle.

"And if I remember correctly, you were no help either."

"I was laughing too hard. And I told you…I don't know the Heimlich 
manoeuvre."

They walked hand in hand into their local Chinese restaurant and 
placed their order. 

"And extra prawn crackers," Lindsay finished with a grin. She was 
rewarded with a tickle that made her squeal. The other customers 
looked warily at them, frowning deeply.

"Shhh!" Bobby whispered in her ear.

She raised her eyebrows in defiance, "If you would just keep your 
hands to yourself, I'll be quiet."

"I'd like to see that!" He responded with an arrogant smirk.

Their number was called and the delicious smelling food taken back 
home. They lay out the food on the floor in front of the fire and ate 
picnic style. Lindsay propped herself up with a cushion from the couch 
and nibbled on the food. Her appetite was yet to return and if Bobby 
noticed, he refrained from commenting.

"I go into surgery next week," she commented.

He gazed at her for a moment before offering a noncommittal, "I 
know."

"And then chemotherapy starts immediately after."

He nodded.

"And then we can put all this behind us," she continued.

"I hope so."

"I want to keep working."

"Do you think you'll be able to?"

"I don't know. But I'd like to try"

"Okay."

"Really?" she was expecting him to put up a fight.

He leaned over and kissed her nose, "Really." 

She grinned suddenly, "Do you want another prawn cracker?"

Bobby pulled the cushion out from underneath her and whacked her 
with it, while Lindsay shrieked with laughter while trying to shield 
herself from his attack.

 

***

 

Eugene knocked softly on the Hiller's door. A light was burning inside, 
in stark contrast to the cold darkness of the hallway. He opened it at 
her command and sat beside the waiting DA. Hiller frowned at him 
and beckoned for him to begin.

"Your Honor, Bobby Donnell and Lindsay Dole have had to withdraw 
as Ms. Kiereth's attorney's for personal reasons. I will be taking over 
the case and ask that you instruct the jury that the change has no 
bearing on the case."

"I have no objections, Your Honor," the DA informed her.

Hiller looked thoughtfully out the window, "I can't say that I'm 
surprised. Nor disappointed. Their performance was border-line 
negligence and I don't want that in my courtroom. The request is 
granted. Anything else?"

"No Your Honor."

"Ok. See you tomorrow."

The DA left the room and Eugene was about to follow when Hiller 
stopped him. He turned to meet her concerned gaze.

"Is everything all right?"

"Uh…it's really not my place to say," he replied apologetically.

She nodded with understanding, "Fine."

 

***

2 days later…

 

"What time is it?" Bobby asked, stretching languorously. Lindsay 
shifted with annoyance as his arm reached out over her.

"Ten past eleven," Lindsay replied glancing at the clock on her bed 
stand.

"We should probably get up," he commented, making no effort to do 
so.

"Hmmm," Lindsay agreed.

"I haven't been into the office in two days," he said with a look of 
complete disbelief.

Lindsay grinned, "Must be a record."

He nodded thoughtfully, "It is."

"Everybody knows the reason for your absence, Bobby. And anyway, 
you haven't had time off in years."

"This isn't much of a holiday...we haven't gotten out of bed in two 
days."

"This is exactly what a holiday is. Sleeping in, sunbathing, eating 
delicious foods…" she stared dreamily into space.

"Nope. Never had one of those."

She slapped him lightly, "Then you should! Lets go 
somewhere…Mexico or Fiji or Mauritius," she sat up with excitement. 
"Even if just for a week."

"But your surgery…"

She scowled at him, "Thanks for reminding me. I meant after the 
treatment."

"Oh."

Lindsay flopped back down onto her pillow, excitement over, "Next 
winter…promise me we'll go somewhere warm."

"I promise." 

 

***

The next day…

 

"The commonwealth rests."

Eugene stood up, "Defense calls Barbara Kiereth."

There were surprised whispers throughout the gallery as Barbara 
strutted to the stand.

"Barbara, we have heard about the animosity between you and Hillary 
Williams, can you tell us your side?"

"It was nothing like the way Greg said."

"By Greg you mean Mr. Williams?"

"Yes. You see…Hillary and I didn't hate each other. We really didn’t. 
If I really hated her I wouldn't have lived next door for ten years."

"Then why was it perceived that you hated each other?"

"It was a game. We were competitive and we used to try to outdo one 
another. We were both housewives…it made life more interesting."

"So when she stole your mail or when you spread rumours it was all a 
game?"

"You make it sound worse than it was. All I said to the family they 
babysat for was that everybody else had changed babysitters and 
maybe they should too. I wouldn't say anything nasty."

"And when she stole your mail?"

Barbara shrugged, "She used to steal my catalogues so that if there 
was anything good, she could buy it first and then accuse me of 
copying. She'd give them back at the end of the month. That's all. It 
was part of the game."

"Mr. Williams testified that there was something more serious going on 
in the last couple of months, can you tell us what was happening?"

"I suspected that she was having an affair with my husband."

Greg William's face paled as heads snapped around to stare at him.

"Did you have any proof?" Eugene continued unawares.

"No. But there was definitely something going on. I confronted my 
husband and he denied it."

"Where is your husband now?"

"He had his second heart attack two months ago, and he passed 
away."

"I'm sorry. Did you confront Hillary Williams about your suspicions?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"Directly after I confronted my husband."

"And what did she say?"

"She told me not to be ridiculous and how dare I make such 
accusations. She was red faced the whole time."

"What did you do?"

"I hired a private detective to follow him."

"And what did he find?"

"He found that my husband was indeed having an affair, but not with 
Hillary. So I apologised to her and let the issue drop. That was when 
my husband had his first heart attack."

"You apologised?"

"Yes. As I said before, we were friends."

"Mrs. Kiereth, did you kill Hillary Williams?"

"No! Absolutely not! She was my friend."

"Ok. Thank you Mrs. Kiereth."

Eugene was pleased with Barbara's performance and sat down. The 
DA smiled smugly and faced the jury.

"But she WAS having an affair with your husband, wasn't she Mrs. 
Kiereth?"

Barbara looked horrified, "No!"

The DA gestured to a bailiff to role the TV screens out and Eugene 
reacted quickly, "Side bar, Your Honor!"

"Approach."

He hurried up to the bench, "Unfair surprise. We weren't told of this."

"Oh but you were. This tape was given with all the other evidence to 
Mr. Donnell."

"I have read through all the evidence many times, and there was no 
mention of this tape," Eugene argued.

Hiller pursed her lips, "Lets go to chambers."

 

Once there she faced Eugene, "I'll give you five minutes to call Mr. 
Donnell and find out if he got the tape."

Eugene pulled out his cell phone and dialled a number.

"Bobby Donnell."

"Bobby, it's Eugene."

"Eugene! Shouldn’t you be in court?"

"I am. Listen, did you get a tape from the DA proving that her 
neighbour had an affair with her husband?"

There was a silence as Bobby mulled it over, "Yeah. There was a 
tape. It showed Charles Kiereth letting Hillary into his house. Greg 
Williams' PI recorded it."

Eugene felt his face fall, "Okay," He looked up, "He got the tape."

"Then lets continue with the trial." Hiller led the way back to the 
courtroom.

 

The TV screens flashed to life, showing a lovely Georgian house 
trimmed with manicured gardens.

"Mrs. Kiereth, can you tell us whose house this is?" The DA asked.

Barbara preened slightly, "That's my house."

A man got out of a Mercedes and opened the front door.

"And who was that?"

"That was my husband."

The DA fast-forwarded the tape until another person came into view. 
"And who's that?"

"That was Hillary."

"Hillary Williams?"

"Yes."

The woman peered around her before opening the door and entering 
the house. The camera slowly approached the house and peered 
through a window. In full view were Hillary and Barbara's husband 
kissing.

Barbara's face turned red.

"Your private detective turned this in to us."

Guilt was written all over her face, "But….but he promised!"

Eugene groaned softly while the DA attacked, "Promised what, Mrs. 
Kiereth?"

"Promised that he wouldn't show that to anyone. My husband was a 
good man-"

The DA cut her off, "A good man? He was having multiple affairs, 
wasn't he?"

"Yes. But in his heart he was good. I didn't want to ruin his reputation 
so I asked the detective to destroy the tape."

The jury stared at her disbelievingly. 

"When did you ask him to destroy it?"

"I don't remember."

"Does May 18 jog your memory?"

"I don't remember."

"It was May 18. The day after Hillary Williams was killed."

"I didn't kill her!"

"Right."

 

***

Two days later…

 

Lindsay pulled out a small suitcase from the spare room. She lay it on 
the bed and sat beside it, not wanting to begin. Bobby had unwillingly 
gone to work for the first time that week, his whole attitude to work 
had changed dramatically. She remembered the early phone call.

"Hello…hi Ellenor…no I wasn't going to come in…can't you handle 
it?…she wants me?…okay…yes, I'll be there…bye."

He had slammed the phone down, rolled over and kissed Lindsay and 
stomped to the shower, while Lindsay grinned to herself. The 
honeymoon that had been the last 5 days was over, it was time to get 
out of bed and begin to prepare.

 

***

 

Eugene strode into the courtroom with Barbara hurrying by his side. 
The jury was back and Eugene wasn't too hopeful about the result. 
They stood and waited for the result.

"We find the defendant…Guilty."

Barbara's jaw dropped to the floor and she turned furiously to Eugene, 
"You are so fired!"

 

***

 

Lindsay lay on the gurney, quietly watching the nurses bustle around 
her. A nurse finally leaned over her and smiled encouragingly, "They're 
ready for you."

"Okay," Lindsay croaked.

The anaesthetist approached Lindsay and efficiently injected a syringe 
full for clear liquid into her vein.

"Count to ten for me," he asked brusquely.

"One, two….three………four……………" She nodded off and he 
made a final check by lifting her eyelid and tapping the corner of her 
eye. There was no blink reflex and he gave the signal for the nurse to 
take the gurney into the operating room. Bobby watched through the 
window, the image indelibly burning itself on his brain.

He closed his eyes, "Please come back, Lindsay."

 

 

PART 4

 

Bobby looked out the window into the hospital's emergency entrance 
to where an ambulance had arrived: its flashing lights casting blue and 
red highlights over the room. Bobby watched as doctors and nurses 
huddled around the person and in a flurry of activity and urgency they 
disappeared from view. He checked his watch for the umpteenth time 
that hour to find that only 5 minutes had passed. He sighed and rubbed 
his face tiredly. Memories of his mother's illness were hard to repress 
during moments like this and he painfully allowed them come back. 
She had died so slowly…in incredible pain. Her last hours of lucidity 
were spent begging for the end and her tearful voice was etched deep 
into his soul. He would never forget the look of desperation in her 
eyes, nor the sadness in his father's. It was only now, years later that 
he felt what his father must have felt. He jumped with surprise as the 
object of his thoughts appeared by his side.

"How is she?" Stephen asked, the concern evident in his expression.

Bobby shrugged helplessly, "I don't know."

The two men stood side by side in silence, a canyon of unexpressed 
thoughts and feelings separating them. Stephen tentatively placed his 
hand on Bobby's shoulder and the gesture brought tears to both their 
eyes.

"She'll be fine," Stephen told his son gruffly.

A polite cough from the doorway made them turn.

"Bobby?"

Bobby saw the doctor, feeling his mouth turn to cotton. "Yea…?" he 
grunted nervously.

Dr. Morris noticed the nervousness and got straight to the point, "It 
went well. We removed the tumour and as far as I could tell we 
removed it all. I also examined the lymph nodes and they too looked 
normal. This is a good sign."

Bobby felt his knees go weak and mumbled, "Thank God."

The doctor slapped him on the arm in a masculine gesture of comfort 
and left to check on his patient.

He turned to his father with relief, "She's going to be okay."

"Yes she is." 

 

Meanwhile, blankness turned into conscious thought as Lindsay woke 
up from the anaesthetic. Her first sense was a sharp jolt as the achingly 
bright hospital lights burned red through her eyelids. She opened them 
slowly and soon realised that she was moving along a corridor, through 
swinging doors and into a darker, quieter room.

"Glad to have you back with us, Lindsay," someone said, the humour 
evident in their voice. Lindsay turned towards the source of the voice 
and focussed on a friendly face.

"I'm Pam, I'll be one of the nurses in your ward."

"Hi," Lindsay whispered hoarsely. She looked around her, "Where's 
Bobby?"

"Dark hair, blue eyes, sex dripping off him?" Pam asked, still smiling.

Lindsay laughed woozily at the description, "That's him."

"Dr. Morris went to talk to him after the surgery. He should be here 
soon."

Lindsay suddenly remembered the surgery, "How did…?" she trailed 
off, not sure whether she wanted to hear the answer.

Pam understood, "It went well. Dr. Morris can explain."

Lindsay dropped her head back onto the pillow with relief.

 

***

 

Eugene strode out the office, mind preoccupied with thoughts of 
Lindsay's surgery. Bobby had phoned from the hospital to say that it 
went well, and there had been a collective sigh of relief around the 
office at the news. Life now had permission to continue normally.

He walked down the hallway and waited by the elevator. It opened 
with its cheerful ding and revealed a familiar face.

"Tommy Silva," he commented dryly. "Need a lawyer?"

"No I have a surprise for your firm. Follow me."

Eugene turned on his heel and followed the other lawyer back to the 
office. Silva's appearance was met with an astonished silence. After 
the lawsuit all those Christmases ago, Silva and the firm had barely 
acknowledged each other's existence. They would have been less 
surprised (and much happier) if Brad Pitt himself had walked through 
the door. Ellenor was the first to react, "What the hell are you doing 
here?" she snarled.

Tommy smiled, "Ellie, we used to be friends, what happened?"

"What happened is that you tried to hang us out to dry. We have long 
memories, Tommy," Jimmy replied just as nastily.

"As do I." He held up a white envelope. "I received a call from a Mrs. 
Kiereth…delightful lady…she wasn't too happy with her 
representation and as part of the appeal, we are citing malpractice. We 
are also filing suit against the firm seeking damages. It's all in here. See 
you in court," he left the office with a cocky stride.

"What?!" Jimmy cried, outraged.

Rebecca shook her head morosely, "Not again," she whispered.

 

***

 

Bobby walked into the hospital room at the same time as the doctor 
and smiled when he saw her sleeping peacefully. The doctor looked at 
her chart and nodded happily, "Her recovery is going well. I'll come 
back when she wakes up." He left brusquely, his mind immediately 
turning to the next patient. Bobby couldn't imagine how he dealt with 
the constant stream of cancer patients. Surely it would depress him. 
But then again, some would question how he could defend 
criminals…it was just part of the job. He imagined the doctor would 
have a similar mechanism as he did for not letting himself get caught up 
in the pain and despair.

"Oh Bobby…" a voice murmured amorously.

Bobby's eyes flew open in surprise; but he was amused to see that 
Lindsay was still asleep. He couldn't wait to brag about this one. She 
moaned softly and whispered, "Please?" and he couldn't help but 
laugh. She woke up with a start and smiled sweetly when she saw him, 
"Hi."

A smile spread across his face, "Hi. How are you feeling?"

She grimaced, "Like someone just tore my guts out."

He wrinkled his nose, "Thanks for that lovely description. It sounded 
as though you were having a nice dream though."

She smiled, remembering, "Yes it was about you."

He smirked, "It is to be expected."

She threw a pillow at him, "Not that sort of dream."

"You know, Lindsay, you've never had to beg before. I've always 
been a willing participant."

She stared at him quizzically, "I have no idea what you're talking 
about."

"In your dream you were begging. I'm telling you it really isn't 
necessary…unless it was a fantasy…"

She shook her head in confusion, "Yeah. In YOUR dreams, maybe. 
Now what did the doctor say?"

Bobby continued to smile, "It went well. He's confident that he got 
everything and he also said that all your lymph nodes were normal and 
that is a good sign."

"Good."

"Chemotherapy next."

She frowned, "Yeah."

"Everything's going to be all right," he squeezed her hand.

"I hope so."

Bobby laughed again, "Oh Bobby…please…" he mimicked her 
perfectly

 

***

 

Meanwhile, the other lawyers looked at each other, all thinking the 
same thing. Lucy was the first one to voice her thoughts, "Shouldn't 
someone tell Bobby?"

They glared at her and Eugene sighed with resignation, "I'll do it."

Rebecca shook her head, "No. Let me. I've known him the longest."

"It's my responsibility, Bec. He appointed me in charge."

"I want to talk to him anyway," Rebecca argued stubbornly.

Eugene saw her determination and shrugged, "Fine. You do it."

Rebecca nodded and walked into Bobby's office, closing the door 
against the prying ears.

Bobby's voice was tired when he answered, "Bobby Donnell."

"Bobby. It's Rebecca."

"Bec. Uh…what's up?"

"Are you busy?"

"Hang on." She could hear muffled voices on the other side and the 
shutting of a door, before Bobby's voice returned, "I'm here."

"Tommy Silva came to the office today."

Bobby sounded distracted, "Silva? What did he want?"

"He's representing Barbara Kiereth in her appeal and…against the 
firm. There's no easy way to say this…we're being sued again."

There was a pause.

"Bobby?"

"Okay. I'll come in this afternoon. Organise a meeting."

"I'm sorry about this, Bobby."

"Thanks Bec."

She hung up the phone and leaned back in Bobby's leather chair, 
looking at his tidy desk, taking in the framed picture of Lindsay. She 
remembered the early days wistfully. How happy they had been! How 
carefree! She remembered having to urge Bobby to take the first step, 
and always having to offer advice that he didn't necessarily want to 
hear. She remembered the sly comments of the other lawyers when 
Lindsay's picture had appeared on his desk. She remembered 
Lindsay's happy blush when Jimmy blurted it out to her. And the next 
day a picture of Bobby had magically appeared in prime position on 
her desk. There had been laughter at this and groans of how sickly 
sweet and romantic it was, but it had been a turning point in the 
relationship. And it had worked in the end: the eternal bachelor, 
Bobby Donnell was in love and married. Quite an accomplishment, 
Rebecca congratulated herself proudly. And now this. Why did the 
good things always have to go wrong?

Lucy poked her head in the door and saw Rebecca staring into space. 
"Did you call him?" she asked loudly.

Rebecca jumped about three feet into the air with surprise and glared 
at her, "You could have knocked."

"Sorry. Did you call him?"

"Yes. He's coming in. Make sure everybody's available for a meeting."

"Okay." Lucy grinned. "You can go back to sleep now."

Rebecca watched her smiling face disappear around the door. At least 
some things were still the same, she thought ruefully.

 

***

 

Bobby walked back into the small hospital room, where Lindsay was 
again sleeping. He kissed her softly on the forehead and picked up his 
coat when her sleepy voice stopped him.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go back to the office."

"And you weren't going to say goodbye?"

"You were sleeping. I didn't want to wake you."

"What's wrong at the office?"

"Nothing. Just a case that Bec wants my opinion on."

Lindsay furrowed her eyebrows in thought, "Can't it wait?"

"Apparently not."

Their lips met in a quick goodbye kiss, "I'll be back soon." Bobby 
promised. "Don't watch too much daytime TV."

"But Jerry's on!" Lindsay complained jokingly.

"What's the topic, 'My four wives worship me but I don't like any of 
them'?"

Lindsay laughed, "Close but I think it's 'my lesbian lover is having my 
father's baby'."

"And I'm going to miss it?" he pretended to be bitterly disappointed.

Lindsay laughed again and Bobby was secretly pleased that his jokes 
were working.

"Rest and relaxation," he reminded her. "Don't go running around the 
hospital or anything. Especially not in that hospital gown."

"Yes, sir!" she teased.

"I say this because according to Helen, there are a hundred cute 
doctors out there. I don't want you falling for someone else."

Lindsay frowned, "Where *is* Helen?"

"I told you…there are a hundred cute doctors out there. You think 
she'd lock herself in here with you?"

"You're so funny," she told him sarcastically. "If you see her, tell her 
that the cutest doctors are up here."

Bobby scanned the room, a look of worry on his face, "I didn't see 
any cute doctors."

"She doesn’t have to know that."

He smiled, "I have to go."

They kissed again and Bobby tore himself away.

"Bobby?" her voice again called him back.

"Yes?"

She stared at him knowingly, "Whatever is wrong at the office, don't 
stress too much."

He smiled ruefully; she knew him too well. "Okay."

"Love you," she called.

"Love you too."

 

***

Bobby walked briskly through the door, all business, "Okay. What 
happened?"

He was met with the jumbled sound of five people talking at once and 
groaned. He did not need this today. "Stop!" he ordered. "One at time. 
Eugene?"

"Tommy Silva arrived about an hour ago and announced that we were 
being sued by Barbara Kiereth for malpractice. All the partners are 
named personally."

Bobby rubbed his face tiredly and the others shared concerned looks, 
"Lets see if we can get this kicked. Ellenor, you and Eugene can 
handle it for now…lets see if we can settle it or something. Just get rid 
of it."

Ellenor nodded.

"Jimmy…talk to Silva. I don't think you'll get anywhere, but it might 
work."

"Okay."

"How's everything else going?"

"My case goes to trial next week." Rebecca announced.

"Which trial is that?"

"Harrison West. The one who wants to sue the doctors for his wife's 
death…" she trailed off realising belatedly that it might hit a little close 
to home.

Bobby appeared unaffected but inside his heart was pounding, how 
could one even contemplate being in such a situation? He realised that 
everyone was waiting for a response and their concern was visible in 
their eyes. He cleared his throat, "How's it going?"

Rebecca swallowed, wishing that someone would change the subject, 
"It's fine, Bobby. I think we have a good chance. Jimmy is second 
chairing."

He sighed with relief, "Great. Is that all?"

They nodded mutely.

"I'm going then. If you need me I'll have my cell phone."

"Say hi to Lindsay for us and that we'll come in to see her tonight," 
Ellenor told him brightly.

He smiled gratefully at her, "I will."

They watched him go in silence.

Four sets of eyes turned to Eugene once Bobby was safely out the 
door.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Jimmy asked, his voice sounding edgy.

"He doesn't need this right now. I'll tell him when things have calmed 
down a little," Eugene responded calmly.

They looked at that morning's edition of the Boston Globe that lay in 
front of Eugene. They had all read the article on page four, which 
accused the firm of having lost their edge

"…No more can criminals be assured a professional and winning 
defense at Boston law firm, Donnell Young Dole and Frutt" it read. 
"After losing five high profile murder trials and now being named in a 
malpractice suit by the fifth losing client, the firm run by senior partner 
Robert Donnell is looking as downtrodden as some of its clients. 
Instead criminals are turning to new firm run by the young and zealous 
Gerald Hays. Robert Donnell was unavailable for comment, but Mr. 
Hays was enthusiastic about his firm's rise in profile…"

"When did they call?" Rebecca asked Lucy curiously.

"Yesterday…they didn’t say what it was about. And how was I to 
know that they'd write that?" she responded a little too defensively.

"I'm not accusing you of anything," Rebecca said, exasperated. "I was 
just curious."

"You may not be accusing me, but they certainly are," Lucy retorted 
pointing to Ellenor and Jimmy.

Ellenor narrowed her eyes, "I just think you could have asked them 
what they wanted him for. That's all."

"You tell me to say no comment to every reporter. And if I hadn't said 
that you'd be accusing me now of telling them too much. I can't win 
with you!"

"That's enough!" Eugene ordered.

"I just-" Lucy whined.

"Lucy!" he interrupted. "We can't do anything about this now, so let's 
move on. Rebecca are you sure you don't need any help with the West 
case?"

"No. It's fine. He's coming here this afternoon."

"Great. Let’s get back to work then."

They all filed out of the conference room, Ellenor and Lucy glaring at 
each other warily.

 

***

 

"There are so many cute doctors in this hospital!" Helen announced as 
she swept into the room.

"Yeah. Thanks for ditching me."

"I figured you'd want to spend some time with Bobby."

"Yeah right. You were just too busy handing out your phone number."

Pam, the nurse, walked in and bustled around Lindsay.

Helen conceded, "I only gave it to three doctors and one nurse."

"Thinking of playing for the other team?" Lindsay asked with a laugh.

"Funny. Did they accidentally give you a lobotomy while you were in 
surgery?"

"Sorry. Please continue…your story is fascinating." Lindsay pasted a 
bored expression on her face.

"The nurse is male. I like the idea of a man doing a woman's job…it's 
actually kind of sexy."

"Woman's job?" Pam asked.

Lindsay enjoyed Helen's embarrassed expression, "I mean 
traditionally…" Helen stammered.

"What was the nurse's name?" Pam asked curiously.

"Josh."

Pam burst out laughing, "You may not be playing for the other team, 
but he certainly is!"

"But…but…he gave me that smile…!"

"He has bets on with other nurses."

Helen shrugged, "Oh well. You can't win them all."

"Maybe Lindsay can give you hints on what to look for in a man…she 
certainly hooked a good one."

Helen and Lindsay shared a look before Helen retorted, "I hooked him 
first! Lindsay just cheated with him behind my back."

Pam looked between the two in surprise, "And you're still friends?"

"The best," Lindsay assured her.

"You must have quite a friendship."

Helen looked fondly at Lindsay, "We do."

 

***

 

Jimmy ordered himself a drink and looked out for Silva. The bar was 
teeming with lawyers and clerks from the courthouse and he noticed 
the curious looks, the snide remarks about losing their touch and the 
giggles behind hands. They had all seen the article and the air was 
distinctly hostile. Jimmy sipped his beer silently and eventually saw 
Silva walk in the door.

"Jimmy," Silva asked with good humour, "Do you really think you're 
going to convince me to drop this?"

Jimmy ignored the question, "Did you organise for that story in the 
Globe?"

Silva grinned, "Of course not. I wouldn't hurt a person when they were 
down." His expression clearly contradicted his words.

"Off the record. We want to kick this."

Silva grinned smugly, "I bet you do."

"What will it take?"

"Ten million and admission of guilt."

"No way. It'd bankrupt us."

"That's the idea. You know…after that article appeared I've been 
having calls from your other clients who lost their cases. I'm meeting 
with them tomorrow."

Jimmy felt his face going red, "They were guilty."

"Maybe, but everybody has a right to a competent attorney."

"No jury will award them damages!"

"I'd like to try. Have you told Bobby?" 

"Yes."

"Where is he? In hiding?"

"No. At the hospital-" Jimmy stopped suddenly, wondering how much 
he could tell Silva.

Silva's curiosity was piqued, "Hospital? Why?"

"It doesn't matter."

Silva shrugged and stood suddenly, "Gotta go. Nice talking to you 
Jimmy. I guess I'll be seeing you in court."

"We'll win this one Silva. Just like last time," Jimmy called. A hush fell 
over the bar and Silva's laugh was heard clearly. After a moment's 
pause, the whispers began again and Jimmy, red faced walked out 
with as much composure as he could muster.

 

Everybody was curious when he returned, "How did it go?"

Jimmy shook his head, "He was confident. And it was him who 
organised the story in the Globe."

"We should sue the Globe," Rebecca commented wistfully.

"They didn't say anything really libellous," Ellenor argued.

"But it would show that we were fighting this. I don't like just sitting 
here and doing nothing."

"But we don't want to look desperate," Ellenor was adamant.

"We are desperate," Lucy reminded her helpfully. She was rewarded 
with a glare.

"We'll take it to court," Eugene decided. "We won last time, this case 
isn't any different."

"It's very different, Eugene. Bobby and Lindsay *were* negligent."

"We'll win." Eugene replied confidently.

He was met with four sets of disbelieving stares and turned to go to his 
office.

 

***

 

Helen had left and Lindsay was looking out the window when Bobby 
arrived back at the hospital. He leaned on the doorframe with flowers 
in hand and waited for her to notice him. When she didn't turn he 
cleared his throat and watched her jump.

"God you scared me!" she laughed.

He smiled back, "Sorry."

"The doctor just came by. He's discharging me tomorrow. He said that 
I could go back to work next week."

"Did he?" Bobby replied slowly.

"Yeah. I can't wait to go back…this is boring. And I don't even feel 
sick."

"Do you feel like eating?"

Lindsay avoided his eyes, "Not really. But I'm sure my appetite will 
return."

He nodded noncommittally, trying to avoid an argument. But she 
noticed and her eyes narrowed, "You don't want me to go back, do 
you?"

He sighed, "Lindsay, I-"

"I knew this would happen! I knew you agreed to easily when I asked 
you last week!"

"I'm just trying to protect you."

"I don't need protecting."

He opened his mouth to argue, but thought better of it, "It's my fault."

Lindsay raised her eyebrows in surprise at the change in tactics, 
"What?"

"I take the blame."

Her eyes narrowed as the wheels began to turn, "Why?"

"I shouldn't have married such a stubborn, headstrong, pig-headed 
woman who won't allow herself to be protected. It's my fault."

Lindsay smiled, "Stubborn and pig headed, huh?"

"Don't forget headstrong."

Lindsay slapped her palm against her forehead jokingly, "Oh yes. 
Headstrong. How could I forget?"

"It’s my fault."

"You had no chance Bobby. Once I had my claws stuck into 
you…you had no choice but to marry me."

"You're right! It *is* your fault!"

"Because I'm so stubborn."

He grinned, "And pigheaded."

"And headstrong," she added. Her laughter died down and she said 
seriously, "Bobby…"

He understood, "Let's wait til next week. See how you feel."

She accepted the compromise, "Okay." She gestured to the flowers, 
"Are they for me?"

He shook his head regretfully, "No they're for the lady in the next 
room. She's nicer to me than you are."

She pouted, "Very funny."

He handed her the flowers and she sniffed them gratefully, "I can't wait 
to get out of here," she looked at him balefully. "So I can kick your 
ass! Headstrong and stubborn…hah!"

 

***

 

Rebecca listened to the man sympathetically. He was close to tears 
and forcing himself to continue.

"Harry," she said when he paused. "We can do this tomorrow."

"No, Rebecca. I have to…I want to do this now. It will never be 
easy."

She allowed him to continue.

"…The scar from the first surgery just wouldn't heal so she went back 
to the doctor and he said that they might have to operate again and 
repair the damage. He said that the sutures may have come undone or 
something…we were so angry…but we allowed him to go in again."

"What happened?"

He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, "She was so full of 
life…happy…when she went into surgery. I waited outside…and after 
about two hours, the doctor came out and said that something had 
gone horribly wrong….her heart had just slowed down and stopped 
and they…they couldn't…" he covered his face with his hands and 
sobbed.

"Did he say anything else?"

He took a deep breath to compose himself, "He said that it looked like 
hyperkalemia." He stumbled over the word. "I went home and looked 
it up. It means excess potassium in the blood. It stops the heart from 
beating."

"Did they say how it happened?"

"No…only that they were looking into it. I never heard from them 
again. I lost my wife because they…because of a stupid mistake. 
I…I…miss her…so much…"

Rebecca patted his arm comfortingly and wrote notes on her legal pad. 
She would get these bastards if it killed her.

PART 5

One week later…

 

"What about this one?" Lindsay called across the designer boutique to 
Helen as she placed the hat on her head. Helen turned expectantly and 
burst out laughing.

"If you were going fly fishing I would say yes…but otherwise…"

Lindsay grinned and placed it back on the rack, "Damn. I thought it 
was a winner. Who on earth makes these ugly hats? Do they even put 
them on women to see how they look?" she asked rhetorically (and 
loudly) while Helen giggled. They received a nasty look from the 
manager of the store and shushed each other in forced whispers. 
Lindsay reached for a more normal looking black hat and placed it on 
thoughtfully, "This is nice."

Helen adjusted it minutely and they stared at in the mirror, "I like it," 
she decided.

"Me too," Lindsay agreed, looking at the price tag. "Oh my god!"

"How much?"

"Too much!"

"I'm sure Bobby will pay for it," Helen replied breezily.

"It's not whether we can afford it or not, it's the principle of the thing."

"You and your principles. Just buy it!" she ordered. "Now help me 
choose one."

"You don't need a hat! I'm the one whose hair is going to fall out," 
Lindsay protested with a twisted smile.

"But I don't want you wearing a hat all by yourself," Helen replied as 
she placed a bright pink 50s style hat on her head, grimacing at her 
image in the mirror. Lindsay felt her eyes tearing up and Helen 
translated her silence, "Hey…please don't cry because then I'll have to 
cry and I'm already dehydrated from all the crying I've done over the 
past two weeks. 

Lindsay laughed with relief, and handed Helen a blue broad-brimmed 
hat with a large rose stuck on the front, "Now this is more like it," she 
murmured appreciatively.

"I look like I should be going to the horse races at Royal Ascot," 
Helen told her putting on a fake English accent. She took the hat off 
and scanned the store, "Ah ha!" she exclaimed before dashing off to 
the other side. "This is the one!"

Lindsay laughed when she saw the hat and they received more dirty 
looks from the manager. "It's perfect!" she whispered loudly.

"I'll take it."

They proudly took their hats to the counter and paid for the purchases.

"Shoe shopping!" Helen exclaimed as they left the shop. "I desperately 
need a new pair of shoes."

Lindsay let out an exasperated sigh, "Do we have to?" she whined.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"I want some sexy lingerie," she told Helen, a faint blush creeping 
across her cheeks.

Helen raised her eyebrows, "What has Bobby done to deserve this?"

She smiled secretively, "I want to convince him to let me go to work 
next week."

Helen clapped her hands together in delight, "I didn't know you had it 
in you! I know just the place," she grabbed Lindsay's arm and dragged 
her across the street.

 

***

 

"No more can criminals be assured a professional and winning defense 
at Boston law firm, Donnell Young Dole and Frutt. After losing five 
high profile murder trials and now being named in a malpractice suit…" 
Bobby read aloud. When he finished the damaging paragraph, he 
turned to the expectant Eugene. "Why didn't you tell me about this?" 
he asked, annoyed.

"We didn't want to worry you. Plus, there was nothing you could do 
about it," Eugene argued reasonably.

"Gerald Hays is a lying, sleazy, unethical-" Bobby spat bitterly.

Eugene interrupted with a laugh, "Just like you used to be." 

Bobby shot him a dirty look, "Funny."

Eugene sighed, "It looks as though Silva organised it."

"How is the case going?"

"We start depositions next week."

"Fight Silva every step of the way."

Eugene didn't need to be told, "We're on it."

"Good. What else have I missed?"

"Not much. Everything's running smoothly."

"Has there been any reaction to this article?"

"Some. One of Jimmy's clients fired him, but Jimmy says that he had 
been threatening it for weeks because Jimmy wanted him to take a 
plea."

Bobby laughed.

Eugene looked at him carefully, "How's Lindsay?"

He sighed, "Good. She went shopping with Helen today."

"So soon?"

Bobby shrugged. They had argued about it that morning. He paused, 
remembering.

 

"I feel fine, Bobby," she had said angrily when he questioned her 
decision.

"The doctor said-"

"The doctor said that I should live life normally."

"But he also said you should take it easily."

"I will be. We're not going sky diving."

"But-"

"Bobby, I'm going. Now you'd better go or you'll be late." He had 
seen in her eyes that she was worried about him. Worried that he was 
taking this too seriously. But he couldn't help the feelings that were 
uncovered every time he thought about her illness.

 

He shook himself mentally and answered Eugene, "She says that she 
feels good."

"Ellenor said that she's coming back to work next week."

Bobby closed his eyes, images of his mother, working non-stop 
through her chemotherapy, flashed before his eyes, "We still haven't 
come to a truce on that one."

Eugene smiled knowingly. When Lindsay had her mind set on 
something Bobby didn't stand a chance, "I have no doubt that I'll see 
her next week."

"Yes, you probably will," Bobby sighed with resignation.

Eugene laughed again and left the office, "She'll stop if it gets too hard," 
he reminded a worried Bobby.

"I hope so."

 

***

 

Lindsay stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her vision was focussed 
on the red scar that extended across her lower abdomen, while she 
held a peach coloured silk nightgown in her hand. She traced her finger 
along another older scar along her chest and hated that her body had 
become so marred.

"Are you ready?" Helen called.

"No…not yet…hang on."

She slipped the gown over her head and looked at herself grimly in the 
mirror. At least it covered the scars. She opened the door of the 
changing room and posed for Helen.

"It looks a little…grandmotherly," Helen told her gently. She held an 
array of bright red and black lingerie that Lindsay had flat out refused 
to wear. "What are you trying to hide?"

"Nothing," Lindsay replied defensively.

"Lindsay…what is it?"

She sighed, "I have scars…I don't want him to see…"

"I'm sure he doesn't care-"

"He doesn’t. But I do," Lindsay interrupted. "I don't feel sexy in those 
clothes, Helen."

"Just try them!"

"No!" Lindsay walked back into the cubicle, slamming the door behind 
her. She reached for another gown…slightly more daring, but not 
much. She put it on and saw what Helen saw. "Ewww." 
Grandmotherly was a gross understatement.

"Okay. Give me those clothes," she called resignedly to Helen.

"Yes!" Helen cheered, passing them over the top of the door.

Lindsay looked at them fearfully; these were not clothes she was used 
to wearing.

"Well?" Helen asked anxiously from outside the door.

"I haven't got them on yet. I'm still getting over the shock at what you 
chose!"

"They'll knock Bobby's socks off," Helen said with satisfaction.

"Is that before or after he dies of shock?"

"He won't die of shock."

"You don't know Bobby the way I do," Lindsay muttered, clipping 
together the various parts "Okay…I'm ready, but I'm not showing 
you."

"Lindsay!" Helen whined.

"No way!"

"Please?"

"I can hardly bear to look at myself in this…there is no way-"

Helen pulled the door open and Lindsay shrieked, trying to cover up 
all exposed areas.

"Helen! Shut the door!"

Helen was examining her friend critically, "It looks good. You have a 
great figure…more curves than I could ever hope for." Her eyes took 
in the scar that Lindsay was desperate to hide but she soon refocussed 
on Lindsay's face, "If Bobby doesn't fall at your feet panting…he has 
problems."

Lindsay pushed her out and closed the door. "Do you really think so?" 
she asked worriedly.

"Linds! You look amazing. It would be a crime not to buy it."

"Oh and since you're the DA, I guess I have no choice," Lindsay 
replied sarcastically, soon emerging in her normal clothes.

Helen laughed, "You got it baby! I'd haul your ass to Judge Kittleson 
and say, 'Your Honor, Ms. Dole is being held for disobeying lingerie 
law 12, article 3 paragraph 2.'"

"Well I'd better buy it then. I don't want to be disobeying any 
important laws or anything."

Helen waited while Lindsay paid.

"By the way, what is lingerie law 12, article 3, paragraph 2?" Lindsay 
asked jokingly.

"Women must use lingerie when she wants something from a man. And 
that lingerie must leave as little to the imagination as possible."

Lindsay bit her lip nervously, "I can't believe I bought it!"

"Bobby's in for a huge surprise," Helen whispered gleefully.

 

***

 

7 pm

 

Lindsay entered the apartment quickly. Bobby's car hadn't been in the 
garage so she knew she had some time to prepare. Candles were 
brought out and lit, the champagne placed on ice and with a last 
satisfied glance, Lindsay left to prepare herself. After a quick shower, 
she took the lingerie out of the bag and took a deep breath; it looked 
even more daring than it had in the store and she unenthusiastically 
slipped it on. Once dressed, she covered herself with her bathrobe and 
walked back out to the living room. The champagne called her 
invitingly and Lindsay opened the bottle with the hope that a glass of 
the bubbly liquid would calm her nerves. She downed the first easily 
and poured herself another, settling on the sofa in wait of her husband. 

 

After what seemed like eternity she heard familiar footsteps stop 
outside the door and a key turned in the lock and she was pressed into 
action.

"Lindsay?" Bobby called as he entered.

"I'm here," she called back from the bedroom.

"How was your day?" he asked, walking in the direction of her voice.

"We had fun. And yours?" She could hear him getting closer and 
closer and her heart beat nervously.

"It was-" his voice stopped abruptly as he saw her. "Oh my god," he 
whispered. His eyes traversed her body appreciatively and Lindsay felt 
her cheeks grow hot. The scar was in full view, but Bobby didn't seem 
to notice. Helen had been right, she realised with satisfaction.

"Surprised?" she asked with more composure than she felt.

"Definitely," he responded still standing in the doorway, unable to draw 
his eyes away from her. 

Lindsay stood and walked over to him, tilting her head to kiss him and 
beginning to unbutton his shirt. He responded hungrily and walked her 
over to the bed, unable to keep his hands off her. In the end, the 
lingerie didn't matter all that much, as it was removed with due course 
and Lindsay was happy to see it go. She decided, though, as Bobby 
turned his attention to her elbows, she'd have to bring it out every time 
she wanted something. It worked like a charm.

 

***

 

Meanwhile, Rebecca shuffled the papers on her desk, searching 
desperately for the missing page of her opening argument. She gritted 
her teeth and swept a towering mountain of files from other cases off 
her desk. Anger rose steadily and she was almost at breaking point 
when she saw the familiar dog eared page. She pounced on it 
gratefully and fastened it to the other pages with a paper clip.
"Bec?" Ellenor asked carefully.

"What?" Rebecca responded through still gritted teeth.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Ellenor looked at the pile of files that had fallen by her desk and 
grinned, "Do you need some help?"

"No."

"Maybe you should take a break."

"I don't have time for a break, Ellenor. This case goes to trial 
tomorrow and I have a million things to do."

"You've been working on this case for weeks. I'm sure you're ready."

"You think so? I have spent the past two weeks being supportive to 
Bobby, helping Eugene organise this office, deal with the malpractice 
suit against us and convince Lucy that you and Jimmy don't hate her. 
Every time I sit down to work on this case someone else comes to me 
with a problem. I can't take it any more!"

Ellenor's eyebrows rose steadily as Rebecca's hysteria bubbled closer 
to the surface. "Whoa! Take a break, Bec and then I'll help you with 
your opening."

Rebecca groaned and stood to refresh her cup of coffee.

"When Lindsay comes back next week, things will get easier," Ellenor 
assured her.

"Except that Bobby doesn't want her to come back," Rebecca said 
conspiratorially.

"Really? She told me that she was definitely starting work again next 
week."

"They've been fighting about it."

"They fight about everything," Ellenor waved it away dismissively.

"Hmmm," Rebecca agreed noncommittally.

"She'll be back." Ellenor said confidently.

 

***

 

Bobby lay with Lindsay spooned against him, a satisfied smile on his 
face.

"We need to talk," Lindsay said drowsily as he pulled her closer.

He kissed the bare skin on her back, "What about?"

"Next week," she said, rolling over so that she could face him.

"Work?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"If you think you can handle it, then it is up to you," he announced, 
surprising her.

"What? When did you decide this?"

"About three days ago," he replied sheepishly.

"What!?" she sat up suddenly and stared at him.

He pulled her back down, confused, "What's wrong?"

"All this…I can't believe it!"

"All what?"

"Nothing."

Understanding dawned on his face, "The lingerie, the champagne, the 
candles….?"

"No," she replied, unable to meet his eyes.

"You were trying to bribe me!"

"But it wasn't necessary, right? You'd already made up your mind. So 
just forget about it," she began a trail of kisses down his body and for 
a minute Bobby was distracted from their conversation. But he wasn't 
close to forgetting about it. "You went through all that effort just to go 
to work again?" he asked, trying with all his might to remain focussed.

"I wouldn't call this effort," she replied smugly, giving up on trying to 
distract him. "You were putty in my hands."

"That's not the point. It really means that much to you?"

"Yes."

"Why didn’t you say?"

"I tried. You wouldn't listen," she told him, annoyed.

"It’s just…" Bobby trailed off.

"What?" she asked with concern, knowing that there was a 
deep-seeded reason beneath his protectiveness.

Bobby squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the memories that had come 
flooding back over the past two weeks. "My mother…she tried to do 
everything normally…but she couldn't…it was too much in the end."

Lindsay wrapped her arms around him and rocked him gently, "Oh 
sweetie." They very rarely called each other pet names, but this time it 
came easily. She was amazed at this revelation from Bobby. "What 
happened to your mother…that isn't going to happen to me…"

He allowed himself to be held more tightly. "I don't want to lose you," 
he whispered.

Lindsay barely heard his words and felt her eyes tearing up, "You're 
not going to lose me."

He sat up and turned her chin towards him with his hand, "Promise?"

Lindsay smiled softly and crawled into his lap so that she was 
straddling him, "Promise," she agreed, kissing him tenderly. "Can you 
tell me about her?" she asked, wrapping her arms around his neck and 
resting her head on his shoulder.

"My mom?" he asked fearfully.

"Yeah."

"She was amazing…" he trailed off and Lindsay saw tears pool in his 
eyes.

"What was she like?"

"She was so…giving. Caring. I never once heard her say a bad word 
about anyone. And she worked so hard for me…when she was little 
she asked what I wanted to be when I was grown up and I said a 
lawyer. After that she saved everything so that I could go to college. 
She was so proud when I was accepted…" he smiled down at her. 
"She would have liked you…"

"Really?"

"Yeah…she was also a stubborn woman…" he grinned as Lindsay 
slapped him. "I remember her and my dad fighting when she got sick. I 
don't know if she did what you just did to convince him to let her 
work, but somehow she did."

Lindsay laughed; history does repeat itself!

"She always told me that the woman I married would have to be 
strong…to put up with me…"

Lindsay rolled her eyes, "She was right about that!"

"I could never go through that again," he whispered.

"You won't have to, Bobby. You won't get rid of me that easily!" she 
replied, eyes twinkling.

He breathed a martyred sigh, "Don't I know it."

 

***

 

The next day…

 

"All rise."

Rebecca tugged at the man's sleeve and he stood next to her, his 
depression clear to all.

"Be seated."

She tugged again at his sleeve and he thumped back into the chair. 
Jimmy shot her a concerned look and she shrugged slightly in 
response. After welcoming the jury, the judge looked to Rebecca and 
she stood, nervously buttoning her jacket.

"This is Harrison West," She began clearly, pointing to the sorrowful 
man. "Three months ago, he had a wife, two kids and a steady job. 
And then his wife came down with acute appendicitis…" Rebecca was 
about to continue when she paused and shook her head, "You 
know…it isn't my story to tell. It is Harry's. I just want you to imagine 
something; just one thing. When you listen to him telling his story, put 
yourself in his shoes. That's all we ask."

 

Jimmy looked at her as though she was crazy when she sat down. Her 
opening was supposed to run for fifteen minutes, and instead it had 
taken…he looked at his watch…less than a minute.

 

The defense attorney stood and marched to the jury, parading up and 
down in front of them so that they were forced to give him their full 
attention.

"Aren't we all just a little sick of this blame finding that is going on in 
today's society? As soon as something goes wrong, we look for 
someone to sue. You know, I heard a story from a friend of mine the 
other day...he was saying that he saw a woman slip over as she 
entered a supermarket on a wet day. The manager of the supermarket 
approached her and offered her a $5000 settlement on the spot so that 
she wouldn't sue. She hadn't even made a suggestion that she was 
going to sue, but she was offered the settlement nonetheless. It is no 
wonder insurance premiums are increasing year by year. And when 
you look at the case before us today, it is no wonder health costs are 
also increasing. We ask you to listen to the plaintiff's story, by all 
means, but we also ask you to use your common sense.  Is it sad? 
Yes. Is it a shame? Yes. But was it negligence? The answer is no."

 

The judge looked at the attorneys with surprise. Neither had used the 
full allocated time but he shrugged and allowed the trial to start.

 

***

 

Bobby buttoned his shirt and pulled his tie around his neck. It was 
already 9:30 but he didn't care. What was the good of being the boss 
if you couldn't be late once in a while? Lindsay was sitting up in bed, 
enjoying watching him dress. Their eyes met and both smiled, "What 
are you doing today?" he asked.

"There's a book that I want to read," she responded.

Both were making an effort to please each other, "No shopping?".

"I'm all shopped out," she told him truthfully.

"What else did you buy yesterday?"

"I'll show you." Lindsay crawled out of bed and disappeared out of the 
room while Bobby waited curiously. She re-entered with her new hat 
on her head, "What do you think?" she asked coyly.

"Wow. It looks great."

She grinned, "You should see Helen's."

 

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Bobby strode over to answer it while 
Lindsay admired her hat in the mirror. She heard Bobby's loud laugh 
clearly and poked her head out to see who it was. Helen glided into 
the room also wearing her new hat proudly.

"Linds?" she called.

"Hang on," Lindsay pulled her bathrobe on and walked out to meet 
Helen. Bobby was still laughing and she glared at him, "It looks great!" 
she told Helen.

"You should have seen people's faces on the street! One guy asked 
me for two pounds of peaches. And another wanted to know whether 
I liked to eat fruit, or if it was more fun wearing it," Helen giggled. 

"Bobby likes it," Lindsay nudged him sharply in the ribs, "Don't you, 
Bobby?"

"I love it," he choked out.

"Why are you here?" Lindsay asked curiously. "It wasn't just to show 
me the hat I hope?"

"No. I've taken the day off." She pulled out two DVDs from her bag, 
"Meet the parents."

Bobby laughed again and turned to Lindsay lovingly, "Remember when 
I met your parents?"

"How could I forget?" Lindsay groaned. The day had been a disaster. 

"Okay so that movie is out," Helen sighed. "Crouching tiger, hidden 
dragon?"

Lindsay shrugged, "Sounds good."

"I think that's my cue to leave," Bobby announced. He kissed Lindsay 
goodbye and gave Helen a peck on the cheek, much to both Lindsay 
and Helen's amusement.

As he walked out the door, he heard Helen's sly comment, "So I take 
it the lingerie was a success?"

Their laughter rang in his ears and with a red face he left for work.

 

PART 6

 

Bobby entered the office, still smiling to himself about Helen's hat. 

"Hey Bobby," Lucy greeted, handing over his messages.

He looked around the empty office, "Where is everybody?"

"Rebecca, Ellenor and Eugene are in court, Jimmy's in jail."

"What?" Bobby asked absentmindedly.

She sighed, "Nobody appreciates my humour. It was a joke. He's 
meeting a client."

"Oh. How's Bec's trial going?" he asked.

"Good. They did openings yesterday and the defense are cross 
examining one of the doctors today."

"Let me know when she comes back?"

"Sure."

Bobby began to walk to his office.

"How's Lindsay?" Lucy called.

He turned, eyes twinkling as he recalled their night, "Great."

"When will she come back to work?"

"She goes in for chemo on Thursday and wants to be back at work by 
Monday."

"Say hi for me."

"I will."

 

He dumped his briefcase on his desk and relaxed back into his chair, 
thinking about the weekend ahead, wondering how Lindsay would 
handle the trauma of chemotherapy. He had vivid memories of his 
mother throwing up sometimes for hours on end while simultaneously 
trying to reassure him that she was fine.

 

*"I'll be fine by myself Bobby, go to school. You have a test next 
week and I doubt you've studied for it," she lectured with a pale face, 
while holding a bowl in a quivering hand.

"But-" he protested.

"No buts. Go!"

He had gone. And come home to flashing lights and sirens and his 
father's grim face. After that he didn't dare leave her no matter how 
much she ranted about tests and grades. He had been terrified that if 
he left her side he wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye. In the end it 
hadn't mattered, as it was he who brought about her death, the hardest 
thing he had ever had to do in his life and he placed the blame fully in 
the doctor's shoulders.*

 

But his mother's illness was nothing like Lindsay's. Hers had been 
sudden and already in a late stage by the time she had been diagnosed. 
Medical science had also been much more primitive back then. So 
there was much more hope than there had ever been for his mother. 
And as much as he hated doctors in general, he had to believe that 
they were genuinely optimistic about Lindsay, more for his own sanity 
than anything else. Though doctors these days never said anything as 
concrete as being "optimistic" they were too afraid of being sued, 
Bobby thought ruefully. It was usually "from the symptoms presented 
to us and barring anything unforseen, there looks to be a reasonable 
chance of recovery". But there was always the niggling thought in the 
back of his mind asking "what if?". As with all the other times the 
question arose, he pushed it back to the distant regions of his 
consciousness. The same place he stored all the memories of his 
mother. He couldn't afford to face those memories and answer those 
painful questions. Lindsay needed him to be strong for her and that 
was what he would be.

 

He opened his diary and looked at the months ahead, treatment dates 
were circled in red and court dates in blue. His decreased case load 
meant there were also many blank spots and ideas began to flow in 
about what he could do with Lindsay during those times. They could 
go away for weekends, visit friends and relatives or just relax at home 
with a good movie. At least if he wasn't working she might not have 
such an urge to. The weekend ahead was a perfect time to spend 
alone with her, just the two of them. He pencilled the ideas on to the 
pages and smiled happily. They had hardly spent any time together in 
the past few months and this was the perfect time to repair any holes 
that had developed in their relationship. Not that he could think of any, 
but knowing Lindsay, he was sure that he had done something wrong 
in her eyes.

 

Two hours later, still pondering thoughtfully and having done no work, 
he heard Rebecca and her client walk through the door. Almost 
immediately his door opened and Bec popped her head in, "You 
wanted to see me?"

"Yeah."

She sat down, "How's Lindsay?"

"Good."

"Chemo on Thursday?"

"Yeah."

"You're worried," she noticed.

He smiled to himself, she knew him too well, "Not really."

"Don't lie to me Bobby, you're worried."

He sighed, "Yes, I'm worried."

"Why?"

He lowered his eyes, "You know why…"

"She's going to be fine, Bobby. She thinks so, the doctors think 
so…you're the only one who doesn't believe it."

"Its just that-" he broke off.

"What?"

"I have a history of losing people I love…"

Rebecca sighed, "Why don't you go home and spend some more time 
with her?"

He made a face, "She made me come to work. I think the word she 
used was overbearing. And anyway, Helen's there to keep her 
company," he pressed his temples to relieve the stress that had been 
building all morning. "But this isn't what I wanted to talk to you about."

Rebecca let the issue drop, "The trial?"

He nodded, "How's it going?"

"Good. We put Harry up first and he made a huge impact on the 
jury…one lady started to cry."

"Tears are always good," Bobby commented.

"Yep. They didn't dare cross-examine him…they obviously decided 
that it was too risky. Our doctors were great…the jury responded to 
them. The defense crossed one of them this morning."

"Did they get anywhere?"

"Not really. It's too early to tell, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they 
made an offer."

"Great. And everything else?"

"You mean the office?"

At his nod she grinned, "It's fine Bobby, you don’t have to worry. 
Ellenor and Eugene are in court over the Silva case, Jimmy's been 
taking all the smaller matters…we're dealing with it. In fact we've 
realised that we don't need you at all!"

He gave her a dirty look, "Thanks a lot."

"But it is nice to have you back." She grinned again, "Do you want me 
to find you a case to work on? Jimmy might have a spare one."

His dirty look became a glare, but he was amused, "No. I think I have 
some here that I can dust off."

"Well, if you're bored, Lucy needs some help with filing. Is that all?"

"Yes."

"I'd better eat, we're due back in half an hour."

"Okay."

She headed out the door.

"And Bec?"

She faced him, knowing what was coming.

"Thanks…for everything."

She accepted it wordlessly and went out to collect her client.

Bobby looked around his office again, sure that he could find 
something to do. He was just beginning to regret not asking for a case 
when Lucy appeared, "A Peter Donaldson is on the phone. His son 
has been arrested, do you want to take it?"

He brightened immediately, "Sure."

"Line 1."

He picked up the phone, almost feeling normal, "Mr Donaldson, how 
can I help you?"

 

***

 

"Eugene!"

Eugene recognised the voice and he and Ellenor shared an annoyed 
glance before facing the owner.

"What can we do for you Tommy?"

"Is it really necessary for you to be so nasty?" Silva asked with a 
smirk.

"Yes," Ellenor snarled.

"I'm guessing this is a case you want to settle?"

Eugene and Ellenor just glared at him.

"I'll take that as a yes. Mrs. Keireth is willing to settle. She wants 3 
million."

The two attorneys remained silent.

Tommy shrugged, "Think about it. If it was up to me I'd be glad to 
take this all the way. I think the judge today set it out in black and 
white…you have NO case."

Eugene and Ellenor began to walk to the elevator but her frozen by 
Tommy's next comment, "Oh by the way," he added in a saccharine 
voice. "Give Lindsay my heartfelt condolences. It must have been a 
real shock to the firm when she was diagnosed." He waited for a 
response but was disappointed. Ellenor's mouth was set in a thin line 
and Eugene looked like he wanted to hit someone. Tommy smirked 
and breezed away.

"How did he know?" Eugene asked grimly.

"Lots of people know," Ellenor rationalised. "Anyone could have told 
him."

"Bobby said only their family, Helen and we know."

"Helen might have told someone...you know how gossip spreads in 
this place."

"No doubt Tommy will bring it up in trial."

"We'll have to base our strategy around it," Ellenor replied thoughtfully, 
her mind cruising at a million miles an hour.

"We need a meeting with the whole firm, Lindsay included."

"Maybe next week."

 

They were met with mayhem when they got back to the office. A man 
was yelling at a boy and Bobby was in the middle trying to calm him 
down. Jimmy was watching, fascinated and Lucy was yelling at 
someone on the phone.

"How could you be so damn stupid!?" the greying man yelled at the 
sullen teenager. "Didn't you ask yourself what would happen if you got 
caught?!"

"Mr. Donaldson-" Bobby tried to intervene.

"And what am I going to tell your mother, you stupid.." he waved his 
arms around in want of a word, "…Idiot. You stupid, stupid, STUPID 
boy."

Lucy meanwhile was yelling, "Yes, I'm calling to compl-….I am talking 
as loud as I can!…No I can't turn the noise off, people don't come 
with mute buttons!…Just listen! I'm calling to complain 
about-…Hello? Dammit! They hung up on me!"

"But Dad, I-" the boy whined, as unsuccessful as Bobby at 
interrupting.

Eugene thought the whole scene was laughable, but decided enough 
was enough. Bobby caught his eye and grinned, allowing him to 
interrupt.

"Can we have a little quiet please?!" Eugene yelled above the racket. 
There was sudden silence and Eugene added in his normal voice, 
"Thank you."

He gestured to the conference room, "We need to talk."

Jimmy was happy enough to leave the scene and was followed by 
Ellenor. Bobby quickly assured the father that he would begin their 
case that night and showed them out of the office.

"What's up?" he asked, taking his usual seat in the conference room.

"Silva says he'll kick this for 3 million," Ellenor told him.

"And he knows about Lindsay," Eugene added more seriously.

"What?! How?"

"We don't know. Who have you told?"

"Our families, Helen and all of you…" he trailed off. "Our families 
wouldn't have said anything…they wouldn't know who to tell anyway, 
and Helen said she'd keep quiet…and I trust her…"

Jimmy began to get a little red in the face and the other three quickly 
noticed it.

"Jimmy!"

"You?"

"You didn't!"

They yelled simultaneously.

Jimmy's face became even redder, "He asked where you were," he 
addressed Bobby, "And I let it slip that you were at the hospital. I 
didn't mean it…it just came out."

"How could you…?" Eugene was lost for words.

"Look, he would have found out anyhow, I just sped it up. I didn't 
mean it and I'm sorry."

"We should have a full partnership meeting on this, Bobby," Eugene 
announced. "With Lindsay."

"She'll be back next week. Lets organise one for Monday."

"Great. We need to discuss our options."

"Fine."

"Who was that man by the way?" Ellenor asked curiously.

"Reverend Donaldson. His son was arrested for taking cars for joy 
rides with a bunch of friends. The father is a reverend of a *very* well 
respected church. Needless to say he wasn't too happy." They all 
smiled. "But it is his first offence, I'm sure we can get a deal with the 
DA. And now I'm going home," Bobby announced. "Is that all?"

They nodded.

"Give Lindsay our love," Jimmy added.

"I will, thanks."

 

***

 

Two days later…

 

Lindsay lay back on the hospital bed and watched, unable to draw her 
eyes away, as a nurse efficiently placed a catheter into her arm. Once 
in it felt uncomfortable, but surprisingly it didn't hurt. Bobby watched 
anxiously from the doorway and Lindsay smiled reassuringly, "Don't 
fidget, Bobby. You're making me nervous."

"Sorry," he apologised, continuing to fidget.

"Look, do you want the nurse to put one in you too so you can see 
that it doesn't hut?"

He grimaced, "No thanks."

She smiled, "Then go get yourself a cup of coffee and relax!"

He stood where he was but relaxed visibly. He had promised himself 
that he wouldn't leave her side and he wasn't going to break the 
promise this early in the treatment.

For hours the chemicals dripped into her veins, they felt cold but she 
was surprised at how uneventful the whole procedure was. She read a 
book while Bobby tried to focus on a brief, but it was obvious he 
wasn't concentrating.

Finally, with a bang, he slammed his file down and looked at Lindsay, 
"I've been meaning to ask you something."

Lindsay who was already startled by the sudden noise looked 
distinctly worried, "What?"

"We should go away this weekend."

She sighed with relief, "Oh…where?"

"Anywhere…even if we just book ourselves into a hotel for a couple 
of nights."

Lindsay shrugged noncommittally, "Okay."

"You don't sound very enthusiastic."

"Its fine, Bobby. But I just don’t know how I'll be feeling. It might ruin 
the weekend if I have to throw up every two minutes. Why don't we 
wait until next weekend?"

He tried to hide his disappointment, "I just thought we could get away 
from all this."

"And I think it’s a great idea, but not this weekend," she argued.

"Fine. I'm going for coffee, do you need anything?"

She sighed with frustration, "No, I'm fine."

He disappeared and she waited, slightly puzzled by his insistence. 
There was sure to be a reason behind this and she knew he'd come 
back with new arguments prepared to get what he wanted. She spent 
the rest of the time preparing her own. He reappeared with a mug of 
steaming coffee.

"The nurses are really nice here," he said conversationally, determined 
to drop the argument. She had made her point and he wasn't going to 
worry her with more fighting.

Lindsay burst out laughing.

He frowned, "What?"

"I was already to fight you and that's all you can say?"

"I don't want to argue," he insisted.

She narrowed her eyes, sensing a hidden strategy, "Well that would be 
a first. Is this some tactic to catch me unawares? Because it isn't 
working."

"No, I'm not going to fight you Lindsay. We'll go away next weekend."

She looked at her book and back to Bobby who was staring at her 
earnestly, unable to believe that she didn't believe him. Was he really 
so argumentative?

"Bobby…" she began.

"Lindsay…just read your book."

Her eyes narrowed again, "You always say that when you're hiding 
something."

He threw his hands up in frustration, "I'm not hiding anything!"

"Now I know you are. What's going on?"

He sipped his coffee, "Nothing."

"Its your mother isn't it? You always close up when it's about your 
mother."

"Lindsay…" he said painfully.

"Tell me," she urged. He looked at her uncertainly. "Tell me," she 
repeated more softly.

"I know…I want…this is going to…" he groaned.

"Was there a thought in there somewhere?" she teased gently.

"I don't want to have to watch you go through…"

Lindsay waited and then finally finished his sentence, "…what your 
mother went through?" she asked.

"Yes…no…I thought if we went away we could forget about it. It 
would mean that you wouldn't have to pretend that you're okay…you 
could just take it easy."

"If I feel like crap I'm not going to hide it Bobby," she joked. "In fact 
you'll be the first person I'll complain to." She patted the space on the 
bed next to her and he climbed in next to her being careful not to move 
any of the tubes.

"I want you to complain," he replied. "I don't want you hiding it…and 
pretending…"

"You'll regret asking me to complain," she laughed. He nuzzled her 
neck and she smiled, "Not here, Bobby."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because it might cause one of these tubes to fall out and I don't want 
to have to explain to the nurse how it happened."

He pretended to be disappointed and kissed her nose, "I'll try to 
restrain myself."

She rested her head against his shoulder and sleepily murmured, 
"Everything will turn out okay."

He gently wiped a wisp of hair across her forehead and replied, "I 
hope so."

 

***

 

Next day…

 

After dropping Lindsay off at home and making sure she was 
comfortable (and with a bucket handy). He walked into his office deep 
in thought and was almost about to sit down when he suddenly noticed 
someone on the couch.

"I'm sorry," the person apologised. "Rebecca said I could sit in here."

Bobby waved his hand dismissively, "That's fine. I'll go."

"I don't think we've met….Harrison West," he held out his hand. "Call 
me Harry."

Bobby shook it, "Bobby Donnell." He looked around, "Where is 
Rebecca?"

"She had a phone call."

There was an uncomfortable silence and Bobby shifted from foot to 
foot. "Well I'll give you some privacy."

Harry didn't answer.

"Harry? Are you okay?" Bobby asked

"Yes."

"I'll be right outside."

Again there was no answer and Bobby walked towards the door, but 
felt bad for the man.

"I'm sorry about your wife," he offered sympathetically.

"Are you married, Mr. Donnell?" Harry asked intently.

Bobby paused, "Yes."

"Do you love her?"

"More than anything."

"Then don't ever let go of her."

Bobby waited silently; his misgivings about leaving Lindsay for the 
afternoon were haunting him.

"Because they can be taken from you without any warning…and it will 
ruin your life."

Bobby swallowed, "My wife has cancer."

Harry looked up, tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry."

Bobby looked away, "Me too."

"How serious…?"

"Serious but the doctors are optimistic."

"Don't talk to me about doctors," Harry spat bitterly.

Bobby knew the feeling well, "Rebecca says the trial is going well."

"I wouldn't know."

"Well…it looks hopeful. She thinks they might make an offer."

"No money could ever make up for what I've lost."

Bobby was silent.

"I don't care about the money, Mr. Donnell. I just want everyone to 
know that those doctors were wrong. They killed my wife and they 
should be charged with murder."

"I understand, I really do. But a settlement is almost as good as an 
admission of guilt," the lawyer in Bobby explained.

"Not for me, it isn't. If I don't win, I don't know what I'll do." Bobby 
noticed a strange look come into the man's eyes.

"What about your kids?" Bobby asked slowly.

"They're grown up…my daughter is in college and my son is a doctor," 
he gave a short, ironic laugh.

"Are they here in Boston?"

"My daughter is and she tries to make it to the trial, but she has to 
study. My son has been telling her that the doctors weren't negligent 
and that I'm wasting time and money with this and she half believes 
him." He sighed sadly. "I've lost everything."

"But life has to go on," Bobby argued, feeling a complete hypocrite. 
Hadn't he wasted years grieving for his mother?

"Does it?" Harry asked intently.

"Yes," Bobby replied just as firmly.

Harry opened his mouth to respond but the door opened and Rebecca 
interrupted, "Harry, I'm sorry to keep you waiting."

"No problem," he replied standing tiredly. "Good luck with you wife," 
he offered Bobby feelingly.

"Thanks," Bobby replied. He watched him leave; a man tired of life. 
Bobby made a mental note to talk to Rebecca about it and tried to 
focus on the Donaldson case. But the man's words rang in his ears, 
"don't ever let her go" drummed over and over again until he wanted to 
cover his ears in an effort to get rid of it. "Don't ever let her go."

 

***

6pm…

 

"I'm going home," he told Lucy.

She smiled, "Okay. Have a good weekend, Bobby."

"Don't stay too late," he told her.

"Don't worry, I'm charging you overtime."

"Which is why I don't want you to stay too late. You're sending us 
bankrupt."

She made a face, "You think I enjoy working late? I do have a life you 
know."

Bobby smiled, wondering who the latest boyfriend was, "I'm glad you 
have a life. You should enjoy it while you can," his tone became 
serious and Lucy shifted a little uncomfortably; it was usually 
Rebecca's role to placate Bobby, not hers. Bobby noticed and cleared 
his throat, "See you Monday."

"Okay."

 

After stopping for various un-nauseating foods, Bobby arrived back 
home to find what he had dreaded all along. An ambulance was 
parked haphazardly in front of their apartment building with lights 
flashing. Paramedics emerged with someone on a gurney and Bobby 
watched, unable to move as they loaded the person into the 
ambulance. At that moment his cell phone rang and he immediately 
heard Helen's half panicked voice on the other end, "Bobby! You have 
to go to the hospital!"

 

PART 7

 

Bobby rushed forward as if propelled by Helen's urgency. He met the 
paramedics as they were about to get into the cab of the ambulance 
and yelled frantically, "What happened? I'm her husband! What 
happened?"

The paramedic stopped and put a calming hand on his arm, "It's okay, 
Sir," she assured him. "You can come with us." She opened the back 
of the ambulance and Bobby climbed inside, feeling sick at the sight of 
an unconscious Lindsay. Helen was also in the back and she moaned 
when she saw Bobby, "I came by to check on her and she was on the 
bathroom floor."

"Why? How?" he asked, feeling numb, taking a seat beside Helen as 
the ambulance began to move.

"I don't know. I don't know!" Helen cried.

He took Lindsay's hand and gripped it tightly, the experience bringing 
back all too vivid memories of her stabbing. She wasn't covered in 
blood this time, though that wasn't much of a comfort. Another 
paramedic had placed a mask on her face and was checking vitals 
brusquely, with obvious experience.

"Is she going to be okay?" Bobby choked out.

"It's too early to tell. But she is in a stable condition," he answered 
while injecting something into her arm.

Bobby felt faint and sick and sat back, bringing Lindsay's hand to his 
mouth to kiss. "Hang on, Lindsay. Hang on."

"My car is parked illegally," Helen joked feebly.

Bobby tried to laugh, but managed only a tight smile, "You're a DA, 
I'm sure you could get out of a ticket." He thought back to his own 
car. "I think I left the keys in mine," he commented, patting his pockets 
and hearing no jingle from his keys. "But they can take the car, I don't 
care. I just want Lindsay to be okay…please God," he finished in a 
whisper.

They arrived at the hospital and were soon racing to a room, where 
Bobby and Helen were pushed gently but firmly outside and directed 
to wait.

 

They waited. Finally, after seeing her being wheeled out of the room, 
they were stopped by a doctor. "You're with Lindsay Dole?"

They nodded.

"Take a breath," she smiled. "She's fine. Just a little scare that's all."

They breathed enormous sighs of relief.

"She's awake and wondering where you are. She said she started 
chemo?"

Bobby nodded. "Yesterday," he replied hoarsely.

"So she probably didn't eat anything all day…"

Bobby nodded again. She hadn't eaten since before she had gone into 
hospital the day before.

"Well the vomiting from the chemo placed more stresses on her body 
and she was suffering from hypoglycaemia, which means low blood 
sugar level. She fainted as a result of that. But she is going to be fine. 
She did hit her head when she fell, but it's small. I want to do a head 
CT just in case, it is routine in head injury cases and in people who 
have lost consciousness for more than a couple of minutes."

"Can we see her?" Helen asked in a small voice.

"Sure," the doctor led them to the room and squeezed Bobby's arm 
reassuringly. Lindsay was sitting up in bed looking ill.

"Hey," Bobby greeted. "You gave us quite a scare."

Lindsay smiled sheepishly, "Sorry."

"How are you feeling?" Helen asked, sitting by her side and taking her 
hand.

"I'm fine Helen. I just feel stupid," she grinned and Bobby felt colour 
return to his face. "Why?" he asked in a more normal voice.

"Because I was feeling like crap and thought taking a bath would help. 
If I had stayed in bed this wouldn't have happened," she frowned.

"You didn't know," Bobby assured her.

"I still feel stupid. And now they want to keep me here overnight and 
do a whole lot of tests."

"Just to make sure you're okay."

"Yeah…and I thought a head injury would take my mind off throwing 
up."

"It doesn’t?" Helen asked.

"Nope. Now I have a pounding headache AND I want to throw up."

Bobby gave a short laugh, "At least you're awake."

 

***

 

"How is she?" Rebecca asked Lucy worriedly.

"She's fine. Bobby said that she just collapsed as a result of the 
chemotherapy. They're keeping her overnight."

Rebecca chewed on her pen nervously, "I should call Bobby."

"He sounded okay, Bec."

"You don't know Bobby the way I do," she snapped in reply.

"Hey! Don't take your frustration out on me."

"Well point me to another teenager that I can blame."

Lucy narrowed her eyes, "I'm not a teenager!"

"Then stop acting like one!"

Lucy opened her mouth to say something but couldn't find the words. 
Rebecca's argument had made no sense. "What's wrong with you?" 
she finally asked.

"Nothing."

"Isn't you case going well?"

"Its fine. Get your mind off gossip and do your job for a change."

"I was trying to be nice, but that's impossible in this office. Nice people 
get eaten here!" She grabbed her coat and stomped out of the office 
while Rebecca watched open-mouthed. Eugene had been in the 
conference room with Ellenor and had heard every word of the 
exchange, he came out with a grin. "Nice one Bec."

"Don't start with me, Eugene."

"I don't want to start with you, but you seem determined to fight with 
everybody else. What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that. There's more to this than worrying about Bobby. 
Spill it."

Rebecca sighed, "My case."

"What happened?"

"I don't think we can prove negligence. It is all so circumstantial."

"What happened today?"

"The defense started with their case. They called the main doctor."

"And?"

"He was good, Eugene. Very good. He was humble and sympathetic 
about everything, but competent. He knew what he was talking about."

"Did you cross him?"

"No…we do it Monday. The jury has all weekend to think about how 
competent he was, how innocent he seemed. I don't like it."

"But you have all weekend to prepare. You'll get him."

"I want to suggest to Harry to settle."

"Does he want to?"

"No, he is adamant that we go to a verdict."

"Should I talk to him?"

"No," she sighed. "He won't listen to anybody. I'm really worried 
about him."

"The case will be over in a week and then he can start to heal. Give 
him time," Eugene replied sensibly.

"Yeah," Rebecca replied, not believing him. "His daughter came to the 
trial today. After she heard the doctor, she told Harry 'not to be so 
damn stubborn' and to drop this 'ridiculous law-suit'. Those were her 
words. She also told him that it was obvious that the doctor wasn't 
negligent. He looked even more depressed after she left than he ever 
has." 

Eugene sighed, "It’s a damn shame, but she might have a point. The 
doctors have denied everything so far and other than Harry's word, we 
have no proof."

"I know."

"Hang in there, Bec. You'll be fine."

"It’s going to be a long weekend, that's for sure," she muttered.

Eugene agreed, "Long weekend for everybody." He squeezed her arm 
and went back into the conference room. "Where were we?" he asked 
Ellenor, who was reading a file.

"Lindsay's deposition…what do we do?"

"We stall until she recovers-"

"But Eugene," Ellenor interrupted. "Recovery may take years. And as 
much as we all don't want to face it…what if she doesn't?"

"I was going to say, wait until she recovers from this week's chemo. 
Her next appointment isn't for another month, so we squeeze it in when 
we know she's feeling good. As for her total recovery…we cross that 
bridge when we come to it."

"Silva wants to start Bobby and Lindsay's depos straight away."

"I know. I don't even want him to talk to Bobby until Lindsay starts 
feeling better. He's not himself."

"Nobody is."

"No…you got that right!"

"How's Bec?"

"Worried about her client. Worried about Bobby. Worried about the 
firm."

"Worried," Ellenor smiled.

"Very worried."

Ellenor shut the file she was reading and stood up, "I'm going to see 
Lindsay and then I'm going to bed. It's been a long week!"

"You're going to the hospital?" Eugene asked with surprise.

"I want to see how she is."

"I'll come with you."

"Okay."

They left the room and headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jimmy asked from his desk. He was almost 
buried beneath the mountain of files that had been dumped on him in 
the last two weeks.

"To the hospital. Want to come?"

"Sure. I haven't seen Lindsay in a week." He gave one last look at the 
files, deciding that they could all wait until Monday and grabbed his 
briefcase. Rebecca worked as though she hadn't noticed them.

"Are you coming Bec? Jimmy asked.

"I have work to do," she snapped.

"Rebecca, come with us!" Ellenor called from the doorway. "Don't you 
want to see Lindsay?"

"Yes, but I have work to do."

Ellenor shrugged, "Fine. Have fun." The others followed her out and 
shut the door on Rebecca's bad mood. They were waiting by the 
elevator when they heard the office door open and Rebecca's 
footsteps echoing down the corridor. They held the elevator for her 
and grinned at each other.  Rebecca noticed and tried to stop her own 
smile from forming, "Stop looking so damn pleased with yourselves," 
she admonished. They laughed, releasing some of the tension that had 
been building up over the last few days and arrived, still smiling, at 
Lindsay's room.

 

Helen and Lindsay were talking earnestly about something so Bobby 
was the first to notice them standing in the doorway.

"Hey!" he called. "What are you doing here?"

"We can't stop by and see a friend?" Jimmy asked.

"Don’t you have work to do?" Bobby countered.

"They've decided to change careers," a voice announced from behind 
the group. Lucy's voice was unmistakable. They were all pleased that 
she had turned up.

"Don't think I haven't considered it," Rebecca joked. "And watch out 
Lucy, because I'll be asking for my old job back."

"We wouldn't let you have your old job back if you begged for it," 
Eugene told her. "You never filed anything! I'd take Lucy any day."

Lucy grinned and went over to Lindsay who had been laughing through 
the exchange. It was great to be with her friends again.

"How are you feeling?" Lucy asked.

"Great," Lindsay lied.

"You don't look it. I should have brought my makeup kit…you look 
awful."

"Thanks Lucy, just what I needed to hear," Lindsay replied dryly, 
running her hands through her hair.

"But don't worry. You've already succeeded in getting a husband, so it 
won't matter if you look bad."

Lindsay laughed again, "I'll keep that in mind."

"What's happening with Silva?" Bobby asked.

Lindsay groaned, "Bobby! Do we have to talk about work?"

He glared at her, glad that their relationship was back to normal, "I 
want to know."

"It's the weekend."

"I want to know!" he turned to Eugene who shrugged, "We wanted to 
talk to you about it anyway."

"Well?"

"Silva wants to begin depositions. Yours and Lindsay's."

"So?" Lindsay asked, annoyed.

"(a) We don't want you looking like you do at the moment, no offence, 
and (b) we want you to be the strongest mentally and emotionally, 
which you won’t be while you're sick."

"No offence taken, but I can handle Silva," Lindsay argued.

"Maybe in a couple of weeks, but not now," Eugene insisted.

"He's right, Lindsay. Silva is good and he'll find your weakness. You'll 
need to be strong," Ellenor added.

"Complimenting me again?" someone asked from the door.

They turned with horror to see Tommy Silva standing there grinning. 
"You really should stop saying such good things about me…someone 
might hear you."

"Get lost, Silva," Jimmy snarled, remembering their last meeting.

"This is a public hospital and I'm visiting a sick friend. How are you 
feeling, Lindsay?"

"Go away Tommy," Lindsay replied.

"I'm sorry about the cancer…what's the prognosis?"

"That's enough," Eugene warned, pushing him out of the room.

"You people really should learn to be more civil. I was just expressing 
my concern for a fellow lawyer," he smirked and turned on his heel, his 
job was done.

"We need to get him," Lindsay seethed.

"We will," Ellenor replied. "We will."

 

***

 

Bobby looked around him. Everybody was dressed in black and 
crying loudly. He was confused, he was at the hospital, had somebody 
died and these people were the friends and family?  He tried pushing 
through the crowd, but people without recognisable faces relentlessly 
pushed back and continued to cry; some hugging him tightly and 
whispering "I'm sorry". Sorry about what? He tried to ask, but he 
couldn't talk. Why were they sorry? Finally they let him through and 
Bobby suddenly realised he wasn't at the hospital at all. He was at a 
church. It was the old church where his mother was buried. The 
faceless people became his friends and he was turning to see who was 
there when he saw it. It was a coffin. An oak coffin adorned with 
purple irises. There was a woman weeping next to it and it was only 
when she turned to beckon him that he recognised her. Helen. 
"Bobby," she wailed. "What are we going to do?"

 

Bobby woke up. His heart was galloping, his breath came in short 
bursts and he was covered in sweat. He sat up, his back complaining 
after being squished into the chair for hours. His eyes sought Lindsay's 
face in the semi darkness and his breaths came easier when he saw her 
sleeping peacefully. Her chest was moving rhythmically, up and down. 
All was well. But he wouldn't be going to sleep again. He wouldn't 
relax until she was awake and smiling at him.

 

He gave her a long look before going out to get some coffee and saw 
a familiar shape walking slowly down the hall, visibly uncomfortable in 
the sterile surroundings.

"Dad!" Bobby called, looking at his watch. 10 pm. "What are you 
doing here?"

Stephen saw his son and brightened, "I got your message and was 
worried. But you were both asleep when I arrived," he gave Bobby a 
quick hug.

"I told you not to come! She's fine." He hoped with all his heart and 
soul that his last words were true. The dream had scared him more 
than anything in the world. It was on par with finding Lindsay half dead 
in the office with stab wounds. 

"How are you?" Stephen asked slowly.

Bobby blinked, were they about to have a real conversation? 
"I'm…fine," he replied with as much reservation.

"What happened?"

This was a safer topic, "She hasn't eaten in 2 days and collapsed. It 
isn't serious."

"And she's still asleep?"

"I hope so. She needs it."

"The chemo…?" Stephen swallowed, hating to bring up the subject.

Bobby looked at his hands, "I don't think she expected it to be so 
bad."

"But you did."

"Of course I did, Dad," he replied, allowing the bitterness to seep into 
his tone.

Stephen stared at a spot on the wall, "Well I'm glad she's okay."

Bobby bit back his frustration and anger. That was as close as they 
had ever come to talking about his mother and as much as he needed 
to get it out in the open, it wasn't the time or the place. He just 
wondered if there would ever be a right time and place.

"They just want to watch her overnight….to make sure."

"That's sensible," Stephen replied, retreating back into the safety of 
superficial talk. 

"Look dad, why don't you go home? It's late and you look tired. I can 
call you a cab."

Stephen nodded, "Look after her."

"I will."

They hugged again, and it was just as devoid of outward emotion as 
their greeting hug. Nothing had changed. Bobby watched him walk 
back down the hall, unable to see the tears that welled in his father's 
eyes.

 

***

 

Lindsay and Bobby walked into their apartment the next day, shocked 
at the mess. "I was going to clean up before you got home," Lindsay 
told him woozily.

"Don't worry about it. I'll do it."

She wrinkled her nose, "I hate leaving you with it."

He forced a smile, "You are more important than an untidy apartment, 
so go to bed."

She kissed him on the cheek happily, "Thanks. I feel awful."

"Do you want anything?" he called.

"No. I'm not going to throw up so I don't need anything," she replied 
with determination.

"I'll get you a bowl," he replied, heading for the kitchen.

"I won't need it."

"Maybe not. But if you do, I'm not cleaning it up off the floor."

Lindsay grinned, "Fine."

She crawled into bed, hoping that her churning stomach and pounding 
headache would give her some relief once she was horizontal. She ran 
her fingers through her hair, which desperately needed to be washed 
and was shocked to find a clump in her hand when she pulled it away. 
She was still staring at it when Bobby walked in with the bowl.

"My hair is already falling out," she moaned.

He tried to suppress a laugh at her horrified expression, "I'm sorry."

She glared at him, "You don't sound it."

"Oh Linds. I don't care about your hair. I would rather you lost your 
hair than lose you."

"That's because it's not your hair that's falling out," she countered, 
trying to picture Bobby bald and failing.

"I will love you no matter what you look like," he assured her

"Even if I'm bald?"

"Even if you're bald."

He kissed soundly on the lips to prove his point and pushed her gently 
onto the pillows, "Now get some rest."

 

***

 

Monday morning…

 

Rebecca opened her briefcase and slowly took out all her notes and 
files while Harry sat silently beside her. His suit was crumpled and 
looked like the one he had worn on Friday, she wondered whether he 
had changed out of it at all. Eugene slipped unnoticed into the back of 
the courtroom to watch her cross of the doctor. He had helped her 
briefly the night before and knew she was nervous. Finally, the judge 
appeared and the jury filed in. Rebecca stood up, "Dr. Lawson, at 
what time was Mrs. West's surgery held?"

"At 4 pm."

"On what day, doctor?"

"March 18."

"Which day of the week was that?"

"It was a Friday."

"A Friday. How many surgeries had you performed that day?"

"I can't remember."

"Would it surprise you if I said 4? That's a lot of surgeries."

"Most of them are routine."

"Routine. You could do them with your eyes closed?"

"Not quite, but I was very familiar with the process."

"Did you do this surgery with your eyes closed?" she asked snidely.

Eugene smiled broadly.

"Objection," the defence called.

"Withdrawn. Doctor, what time did you start work that morning?"

"8 a.m."

"What time did you finish the night before?"

"I believe I had a long, emergency surgery that went until 4 a.m."

"So you had less than 4 hours sleep."

"Yes."

"What about Thursday?"

"I can't remember."

"I can tell you that you finished work at 2 am Thursday morning, began 
work at 8 am and as you said, you had surgery until 4 a.m. on Friday. 
Less than 6 hours sleep that night. Is your schedule usually this busy?"

"No. We were short a surgeon that week."

"So you were stressed?"

"No. I was not stressed. I am used to lack of sleep and performing 
multiple surgeries."

"So you weren't feeling any stress at all?"

"Everybody feels some stress, but I wasn't feeling any more than 
usual."

"Some stress, little sleep…are these optimum working conditions for a 
surgeon?"

"Of course not. But there wasn't another option at the time."

"In fact you complained to the chief of staff the day before about the 
working conditions, did you not?"

"No. I did not complain. I simply asked when we would be getting a 
replacement surgeon because we were all very busy."

Rebecca sighed to herself: she wasn't getting anywhere. She met 
Eugene's eye and he nodded to her to keep going. The doctor would 
have to trip up at some point.

"Let's discuss the surgery," she began.

 

***

 

Lindsay walked into the office feeling wonderful. She had only been 
absent two weeks but it felt much longer. Bobby walked in behind her 
and saw her glowing face.

"Good to be back?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her.

She leaned her head back on his chest and nodded, "I didn’t realise 
how much I missed this place."

"The words of a true workaholic," he teased.

"Like you can talk."

Jimmy walked in, looking harassed. "Hey Lindsay! Great to have you 
back! Do you want a case?"

"You'll have to ask my boss if I'm allowed one," she replied, eyes 
sparkling.

"For that crack I should send you home," Bobby replied. "Give her a 
really horrible case, Jimmy."

"No drug dealers," Lindsay warned.

Jimmy looked at his desk and carefully selected a file from the middle 
of the pile, "Here's a good one. Woman charged with fraud."

Lindsay groaned, "What did she do?"

"She defrauded her ex-husband and his new wife."

Lindsay laughed and Bobby glared at Jimmy, "Is there another case? I 
don't want her getting any ideas."

Lindsay poked him in the chest, "No. I want this one." She took the 
file to her desk and began reading. Her giggles rang through the office 
and Bobby couldn't help but smile as he sat at his desk and listened to 
her. 

"I can't wait to meet this woman," Lindsay announced loudly.

 

***

 

2 days later…

 

Rebecca shifted in her chair as the jury filed in for the last time. The 
foreman held the piece of paper and everyone in the courtroom was 
trying to read through it to no avail. The judge called for it to be read.

"On the matter of Harrison versus Lawson, we find in favour of the 
defence."

Rebecca wasn't sure if she had heard the man right. They had lost? 
How could they lose? Harry didn't appear to have heard but when she 
turned to apologise, he mumbled, "We lost."

"I am so sorry, Harry," she felt the tears well up in her eyes and 
brushed them away angrily. How could they lose?

"Its okay, Rebecca. That doctor was lying through his teeth…but they 
believed him."

"Oh Harry…"

"Don't worry about it," he assured her.

"Do you want me to drive you home?"

"No…I want to go to my wife's grave. I'll be fine."

She walked him out and watched him get into a cab, "I'll be fine, 
Rebecca," he called out the window as the cab pulled away from the 
kerb. Eugene stood by her side as they watched him leave. "He'll be 
okay," Eugene commented. "Now that this trial is over…he can stop 
thinking about her."

"I'm worried."

"Don't be. You heard him, he'll be fine."

 

In the conference room later that afternoon, Lindsay massaged 
Rebecca's shoulders sympathetically, "Are you okay?" she asked.

Rebecca shrugged, "I wanted to win for him. He needed to win."

Lindsay sighed, and sat down next to her, "I am quickly realising that 
life isn't very logical."

Rebecca looked at her, "How are you feeling?"

"Depressed. More of my hair fell out this morning," she wrinkled her 
nose. "I was hoping that it wouldn't happen."

Rebecca laughed, "You'll look just as beautiful without it."

"That's what Bobby says, but I think he's in for a shock."

"He'd still love you if your skin turned blue and you grew another 
head."

"Which is why I'm worried. Just because he says I'm beautiful doesn't 
necessarily mean that I am. I want to be beautiful."

"You are and you will be. How is he holding up?"

"Bobby? He's…overbearing, overprotective, insulting and frustrating. 
The usual. Apparently I can't even be trusted to pour my own coffee 
anymore."

Rebecca grinned, "That sounds like him."

"But he's improved since I came back to work."

"I've noticed-"

They were interrupted by the door opening. Lucy poked her head in, 
"Bec?"

"Yeah?"

"There's a call you'd better take."

Rebecca shot Lindsay a startled look, "Who is it?"

"The police," Lucy replied.

Rebecca picked up the phone, "Rebecca Washington………oh my 
god…when?…do you need me there?…okay…okay…thanks." She 
hung up the phone and turned to Lindsay with tears in her eyes. "Harry 
West just killed himself."


PART 8

Rebecca pulled up at the cemetery, where she was greeted with 
flashing lights and yellow police tape. She walked slowly to the police 
officer that was keeping the curious spectators away, "I'm a friend of 
Harrison West."

He eyed her critically and turned to a man in plain clothes, "Mike!"

Mike looked over and recognised Rebecca. "He was your client?" he 
asked.

"Yeah. We lost today. He was suing doctor's for his wife's death," she 
answered robotically, almost unfeelingly.

Mike had heard so many sad stories in his life, he just listened, "I'm 
sorry."

"What happened?" Rebecca asked, not really wanting to know.

"He was seen crying at his wife's grave and three eyewitnesses saw 
him take out a gun and shoot himself." He pointed to three upset 
women who were being comforted by a police officer. "They said that 
he appeared calm. There won't be an investigation."

Rebecca rubbed her face in despair, "I knew he was depressed. His 
wife died and then he lost the case. I should have done something!" 

Mike patted her arm before saying gently, "There wasn’t much you 
could do. He knew what he was doing."

"Is he still there?" Rebecca whispered, pointing at the grave.

"No. The ambulance is taking him to the morgue. We're just cleaning 
up."

She suddenly had a thought, "Have you called his children?"

"Yeah. They haven't arrived yet…" 

Rebecca remained silent, thinking that she should leave. She didn't 
want to face the cold daughter.

Mike shuffled awkwardly, "How's Lindsay?" he finally asked.

Rebecca gave him a sharp look, "How do you know?"

"Helen said something. She was upset one day and I asked why and 
she told me." He paused uncomfortably before continuing in a rush, 
"I'm sorry, it isn't any of my business."

Rebecca looked at him with speculation. 'Helen and Mike?' she 
thought. 'Since when did they get so close?' Rebecca realised that he 
was waiting for an answer and made the snap decision to tell him, 
"She's fine now…she began chemo last week…we're hopeful."

"Wish her luck for me?"

A smile formed on Rebecca's lips, she was glad she had told him, "I 
will."

They were interrupted as a car screeched up beside them and a 
panicked woman emerged wailing, "Where is he? Where is he!?"

Mike hurriedly approached her, "Ms. West?"

"Yes. Where's my dad?" she was trembling and her eyes were wide 
with fear.

Mike took her arm and led her to a bench, "I'm so sorry…he took his 
life here this afternoon."

"No!" she sobbed. "He wouldn't do that! It was that stupid trial…" she 
buried her face in Mike's shoulder while Mike comforted her 
synpathetically. 

"Can I see him?" she finally asked.

"He's at the morgue, I can have one of my officers drive you."

She nodded, "I want to see him."

Mike looked around, "Tim!" he called.

A young officer appeared and gently took her arm, leading her to a 
police car. As she allowed herself to be led away she saw Rebecca 
and came to a sudden halt, "You!" she shrieked. "This is all your fault! 
If he hadn't thought he had a chance he never would have killed 
himself. You gave him false hopes… it's all your fault!" she sobbed.

Rebecca stood stock still, shaken to the core. Mike glanced at her 
sympathetically, "Don't listen to her, she needs to blame someone."

Rebecca nodded dumbly, hearing his words but not believing them. It 
had been her fault…all her fault. She had agreed that the doctors were 
to blame, had convinced him that they had a case. She should have 
just left him to grieve his loss and move on. Instead, she had watched 
his depression progressively worsen over the course of the trial. She 
remembered lightly mentioning a therapist to him, and being denied 
vehemently. Why didn't she put her foot down and insist he see 
someone? It was her fault.

 

After giving the cemetery one last long look, she climbed numbly into 
her car and drove away automatically. She pulled into her garage with 
no memory of the journey home. No idea whether traffic lights had 
been green or red, whether she had stopped at stop signs. Her mind 
rang with the daughter's words, "All your fault."

 

She switched on the TV and watched the images and heard the voices 
without taking anything in. A knock on the door went by unnoticed 
and the person opened it tentatively.

"Bec?" Bobby called.

She turned slowly, with glazed eyes, "Yeah."

"Lindsay just told me about Harry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she repeated in the same toneless voice.

Bobby sat down next to her on the sofa, recognising the guilt in her 
eyes. "It wasn't your fault," he said feelingly.

Tears pricked her eyes, "I should have done something."

Bobby reached for her hand, "You can't beat yourself up over this. 
We all saw that he was depressed. You suggested therapy, but he 
refused. There was nothing else you could have done."

"I should have made him…" she trailed off.

"He knew what he was doing, Bec. He had accepted his 
future…nothing was going to change his mind…not you, not his 
daughter…nothing could have brought his wife back to him…" Bobby 
swallowed hard.

"But why did I have to get his hopes up? I told him he had a case."

"I think the trial just delayed the inevitable," Bobby replied softly. "The 
money, the admission of guilt…they may have helped for a while, but 
he'd soon realise that they weren't an adequate substitute for his wife. 
He would have realised in time that nothing on this earth would make 
up for his loss…"

"But in that time he could have gotten better…accepted it."

"Do you really think he would have?"

Rebecca shook her head, guilt written all over her face, "I don't 
know."

"Bec," he licked his suddenly dry lips, "I know what he went 
through…that kind of pain…"

She squeezed his hand, "I know," she whispered. "But you got over 
it…"

He considered, "I will never get over it…the pain...it lessened over 
time, but it will never go away."

The stress of the day took its toll and Rebecca seemed to collapse 
inside, emotionally drained. She hadn't realised until now that she had 
been carrying Harry's pain around on her shoulders. 

"I just didn't want him to die…" she finally whispered, allowing the 
tears to fall. Bobby wrapped his arms around her and she cried onto 
his suit. 

Eventually she pulled back from the warmth, "You should go home to 
Lindsay. She needs you more than I do," she told Bobby.

He kissed her forehead. "If you need me…"

"I'll call. Thanks Bobby."

"And take a few days off, Bec."

Rebecca shook head; he of all people should understand her need to 
keep busy. "I want to work."

He saw the hypocrisy and agreed, "Okay…Goodnight."

"Night."

 

***

 

Tommy Silva sat in the conference room with a smirk on his face. 
Lindsay sat opposite with Ellenor supporting her on her right. As 
Eugene would also have to testify, Ellenor had taken over. The court 
stenographer sat at the end of the table.

"Are we ready?" Silva asked.

They all nodded seriously.

"Can you state your name for the record?" he began. 

"Lindsay Suzanne Dole."

"You were co-counsel on the Keireth case, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Can you name the dates of that trial please."

Lindsay paused in thought, "It began on August 8 and continued 
through to the 17th."

"And when did you receive the case?"

"In June…I can't remember the exact date."

"It was June 12," he informed her.

She shrugged, "Fine."

"On what date were you diagnosed with cancer?"

Lindsay sucked in a breath, shocked. She had been expecting the 
question but not so soon, "August 1," she answered.

"What type of cancer do you have?"

"Ovarian cancer."

"What stage?"

"Two."

"What does that mean?"

Lindsay replied snidely, "I don't know. I'm a lawyer, not a doctor." 
Ellenor shot her a warning look, but Lindsay chose to ignore it.

Silva decided to move on, "And the news was a shock?"

"No, I celebrated. Best news I'd had all year." Lindsay snapped 
sarcastically.

Ellenor glared at her.

"Can you answer the question please?"

She glared back at Ellenor, "Yes the news was a shock, but the 
doctors were confident about the prognosis. We moved on."

"And you are married to Mr. Robert Donnell, senior partner of the 
firm?"                                                    

"Didn't you do your research?" her sarcastic tone was more defiant 
and Ellenor began to gesture for the stenographer to stop. 

Lindsay sighed and stopped Ellenor with a glance, "Yes I am very 
happily married to Mr. Robert Donnell, senior partner of the firm. Do 
you want the firm's name too? It's on the door."

Silva grimaced, "No that's fine."

Lindsay's eyes twinkled, "Oh that's right. You know our firm's name 
because we beat you the last time you sued us. The law community is 
laughing at you for coming after us again, Silva. They're saying your 
being vindictive and petty-" 

Ellenor finally took her arm, interrupting her mid-sentence. "Lets take a 
break?" She dragged Lindsay out of the conference room. "Lindsay-"

Lindsay interrupted, "I know. I'm sorry. He just gets to me."

"Don't let him. We don't want him using your anger at him against you. 
Just answer the questions."

She sighed, "Okay."

They walked back into the room and Lindsay sat back down, "Lets 
continue," she told Silva brightly, staring confidently into his eyes until 
he looked away.

"We were talking about Robert Donnell. How did he seem take the 
news?"

"He took it hard at first," she replied honestly. "But as I said, the 
prognosis was good and we dealt with it. It never adversely affected 
our preparation for Mrs. Kiereth's trial."

"Mr. Donnell was lead counsel on the case?"

"Yes."

"Mrs. Keireth's trial was due to start the next week?"

"Yes."

"Did either you or Mr. Donnell ever consider allowing another lawyer 
in the firm to take over the case?"

"Yes. But we were so close to trial, it didn't seem a good idea to 
change."

"Did you discuss it with the firm?"

"Work product," Ellenor interrupted. "Don't answer."

Lindsay grinned widely at Silva, clearly remembering the depositions 
from the last case he had tried against the firm. Silva glared at Ellenor 
but moved on. He'd have to take this to the judge.

"Lets go through the transcripts from the trial," he said.

Lindsay sighed softly; this was going to be a long day.

 

They had a break for lunch and Lindsay spent the whole hour on the 
sofa in Bobby's office.

Bobby came in with sandwiches from the local deli.

"Ask Silva to continue this tomorrow," he suggested, giving his 
exhausted wife a worried look.

"No…I want to finish it. He thinks he can beat me…I have to show 
him…" her voice was muffled by the cushion she had buried her face 
in.

Bobby sat down next to her and began to rub her back, "You don’t 
have to prove anything to anybody."

"He's made this personal and I'm not going to give up now."

"The doctors said-"

"Screw the doctors," was Lindsay's reply.

Bobby gave a short laugh, "I would normally agree with you, but I 
don't want you in hospital again."

She rolled onto her back and attempted a comforting smile, "I'll be 
fine."

He handed her one of the sandwiches, "You should eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Lindsay…" he warned.

"Bobby…" she returned in the same tone.

He threw up his hands, exasperated, "Can you please just follow 
orders for once? You have to eat."

She took the sandwich and nibbled at the crust.

"How is the depo going?" he asked with concern.

Lindsay smirked, "He thought I'd be a pushover. He doesn't think that 
anymore."

Bobby suddenly found himself really worried, "You're being difficult?" 
he asked before mumbling to himself, "Why am I surprised?"

Lindsay swatted him.

"I'm not being difficult…I'm just standing up to him."

"What has he been asking?"

"He asked about the cancer and when it was diagnosed…and he's 
spent the last couple of hours going over the transcript of the trial. He's 
not leaving anything out."

"How long do you think he'll take?"

"I have no idea…he could probably go on for days."

"If you're too tired…"

"I'll be fine. You really should stop worrying, you'll give yourself an 
ulcer," she poked him playfully.

He grimaced, "That would be the least of my worries."

Lindsay's smile became a frown, "He's going to come down hard on 
you Bobby. He asked me how I thought you took the news…he's 
dying to ask you that same question."

"Don't worry about me-"

"I do worry about you," she interrupted. She had felt his tossing and 
turning each night, seen the dark circles each morning. "You have 
taken this hard…and he's not going to stop until you've admitted that 
you couldn't stop thinking about it."

He saw where she was headed, "I wasn't negligent," he insisted.

Lindsay said nothing.

"Do you think I was?" he asked severely.

Lindsay put her hand on his arm, "Bobby…we both were. Our minds 
weren't on work…we shouldn't have tried that case!"

"So should we admit that to Silva?" Bobby asked sarcastically.

"No of course not. But maybe we should think about settling."

"We're not settling."

"It might be the easiest thing to do, Bobby. We don't need this stress 
on top of-"

"I can handle it," his voice was hard, determined.

She gave him a piercing stare, "Can you?"

He stared back, "Yes."

"Just think about it." Lindsay got to her feet and handed Bobby her 
uneaten sandwich before walking with determination to face Silva 
again. 

 

***

The next day…

 

Bobby sat down across from Silva and gave him a determined glare. 
He was ready.

"Please state your name for the record," Silva began.

"Robert Gordon Donnell."

"How many murder trials have you lost this year?"

Bobby glared at him, "Five."

"That's a lot."

"Everybody loses at some point. We were unlucky with some of the 
judge's decisions, some of our witnesses weren't very convincing," he 
shrugged. "It wasn't malpractice."

Silva pounced on the word, "I never said malpractice…do you feel 
guilty over something that might be malpractice?"

"No, but I could see that was where you were heading with the 
questioning."

"Can you name the clients whose trials you lost?"

Bobby considered, "Jim Lyons, Theodore Freeman, Valerie Thomas, 
Zachary Kroner and Barbara Keireth."

"Dates of trials?"

Bobby held back a sigh of annoyance, "How is this relevant?"

"You don't think past losses are relevant?"

"Not to this case."

"It goes to your confidence and state of mind during the Keireth trial."

"I disagree."

"I'm allowed to ask what I want, Mr. Donnell. Please answer the 
question."

"I don't know the dates."

"Okay. Your mother is dead isn't she?"

Bobby's eyes flashed angrily, "Yes."

"What did she die of?"

"Cancer."

"What type?"

"Breast cancer."

"When?"

"When I was 15."

"What date?"

"January 20."

"When was she diagnosed?"

"Sixteen months before. September 18."

"What happened the night she died?"

Bobby's eyes reflected his pain. He turned to Ellenor who gestured for 
him to answer. "We had to turn the respirator off."

"Who's we?"

"It was a joint decision…the doctors, my father and me."

"Who actually turned it off?"

"I did."

"How did you feel?"

"How do you think I felt?" Bobby responded.

"I would guess that it would be devastating. Life changing."

Bobby sensed a trap and remained silent.

"Was it life changing?"

"Yes," he answered carefully. "But it had little bearing on what is 
happening with my wife," he lied.

Silva gave a short laugh, seeing the lie, "None at all?"

Bobby looked again to Ellenor, "I didn't say none."

Silva leaned back in his chair, enjoying himself, "How much bearing 
would you say it had? Remembering how devastated you were over 
your mother's death."

"It was in the back of my mind, but the situations were so different. 
Treatment is much more effective these days…I feel nothing but 
optimism." Another lie.

"Lets move on," Ellenor suggested giving Silva a pointed look.

"What type of cancer does you wife have?"

"Ovarian."

"What stage?"

"Stage two."

"What treatment has she had?"

"Surgery and now chemotherapy."

"When did she have the surgery?"

"A week after the trial."

"So during the trial you weren't really sure what the prognosis was?"

"The doctors were optimistic."

"But it must have been eating at you, especially after what happened to 
your mother."

"It was on my mind, but I was fine to try the case."

"Really? Your wife was once stabbed by a past client, is that correct?"

"She wasn't my wife then, but yes," Bobby replied after a pause.

"You were representing a man on a murder charge at that time weren't 
you?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

Bobby was silent.

"You were so consumed by what was happening to Ms. Dole that you 
actually admitted to your client's guilt. Didn't you, Mr. Donnell?"

"This isn't relevant," Ellenor interrupted. "Move on Tommy."

"Isn't that what happened in that probable cause hearing?"

"Move on!" Ellenor ordered him. "This line of questioning is irrelevant 
and I'll stop this right now if you continue."

Silva look was assessing, "Fine. We'll move on. Let's talk about the 
trial."

 

***

 

Lindsay had a glass of wine in hand and was chopping vegetables 
when Bobby walked in.

"The depo went that late?" she asked, leaning over to meet his kiss.

"Yeah," he saw her glass of wine and downed it in one go.

"Hey!" she protested.

He grinned and poured her another glass.

"That bad, huh?" she asked, tipping the vegetables into the casserole.

He stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, "I have 
never wanted to kill someone as much as I did this afternoon."

"Don't do it, Bobby. The way our firm's going, you'd probably lose 
and sue us for malpractice," she teased.

He let go of her, "Funny." 

"What happened?"

He took the wooden spoon and stirred the pot absentmindedly, "He 
wanted to know the most ridiculous things. Like…'why did you object 
to that question?' or 'why didn't you ask about what flowers she was 
planting?' He spent the whole afternoon on it."

"Its over now."

"No…we continue in the morning."

Lindsay turned to stare at him in surprise, "He's not finished?"

"No. You were right-"

"As usual," she interrupted.

He agreed with a small shrug and a rueful grin, "I was trying to say you 
were right in that Silva isn't going to stop until he has me admitting 
negligence. He's trying to wear me down."

"Poor baby. Do you want a back rub?" Lindsay responded 
sympathetically.

He saw the twinkle in her eye and nodded sadly, "It might help."

She wiped her hands on a cloth and left the kitchen with a grin, calling, 
"What are you waiting for?"

Bobby smiled. His life might be crashing down around him, but at least 
he still had Lindsay.

 

***

 

The next day…

 

Rebecca opened the umbrella above her head as the autumn rain 
spattered everything with its big drops. She followed the other 
dark-clothed mourners into the depths of the cemetery and joined 
them in the circle around the grave. A priest appeared and began the 
short service. Harry's son and daughter were both there and after 
sending Rebecca a menacing glare they now steadfastly ignored her. 

 

Bobby stood on the outskirts of the group, hearing the singsong words 
from the priest without listening. Rain decorated his new Armani suit 
but he ignored it, his thoughts belonging to his mother, to Harry, to all 
the people who had lost someone they loved and suffered unbearable 
pain from the loss. The service was soon finished and everyone slowly 
dispersed in small sad groups. Rebecca soon joined him under a 
nearby tree and held her umbrella over his head.

"I didn’t know you were planning on coming," she said as they 
watched people leave the cemetery.

Bobby shrugged, "Neither did I."

"His children blame me," she said.

"They have to blame someone."

They listened to the rain and watched a bulldozer weave between the 
tombstones and stop near Harry's. It began quickly filling the grave 
and both Bobby and Rebecca watched as though mesmerised.

"The rain's getting heavier," Bobby commented eventually.

"Yeah," Rebecca replied, looking upwards at the grey clouds. "How 
was your depo yesterday?"

Bobby sighed, "It just finished."

"Really?" Rebecca asked with surprise.

"Yeah."

"How did it go?"

Bobby shook his head, lost for words, "I'm beginning to agree with 
Lindsay."

Rebecca's glance was questioning.

Bobby explained, "She thinks we should settle."

"And you?"

"At first every cell in my body resisted the idea. But now…he might 
have a case."

"That might just be because he's worn you out," Rebecca discerned.

"Maybe."

"Whatever you decide Bobby…we're all behind you."

Bobby put his arm around her shoulders and began to lead her away, 
"I know."

 

***

2 months later…

 

Lindsay packed her overnight bag slowly and thoughtfully, happy to be 
able to take the time to think and relax. The firm was in a frenzy over 
the upcoming trial, and neither she nor Bobby had slept properly in 
weeks. The night at the hospital would almost be a holiday, she 
decided ruefully, especially after the previous two months. 

 

She remembered Bobby's decision to take the malpractice suit to trial, 
and the mixed reaction from the other members of the firm. It had been 
a turning point and they had all thrown themselves into their work with 
renewed energy. Just weeks later she had had her second round of 
chemotherapy, her reaction had been much less severe than after the 
first, and she was hoping her third round would be as uneventful. 
Although, she thought with a frown, she had a whole lot of tests to get 
through first. They wanted to judge her progress, just standard 
procedure they assured her. But any tests were bad news to Lindsay, 
especially when she saw the pain that Bobby went through every time 
the dreaded word was mentioned.

 

Bobby walked in a few minutes later and sat on the bed, watching her, 
"Ready?"

"Yeah-" She squealed as he pulled her down on top of her, "Bobby!"

"I'm not letting you go without a kiss," he growled in her ear.

"Hmmm. I don't know if I'm allowed to kiss, I'll have to ask the 
doctors," she teased.

He gave a short laugh, "As if you do what they say anyway."

She laughed, and leaned forward to give him a kiss he'd remember. 
After several minutes, they finally separated, breathless.

"For that I'll even drive you to the hospital," he grinned, helping her off 
the bed.

 

They arrived at the hospital and Lindsay sat in the waiting room; she 
was getting used to the art of waiting and had come prepared with a 
book. Bobby kissed her goodbye, "I'll be back tonight."

"Okay. I'll be fine."

He gave her one last searching look, not wanting to leave her alone.

Lindsay gave him a gently shove, "Go!" she ordered.

After an hour she was called and began a long afternoon of tests.

 

***

 

Bobby arrived at the hospital early the next morning, mentally and 
emotionally prepared for the test results. He arrived just as a nurse 
did. 

Lindsay's sleepy voice whispered, "Hi Pam."

Pam smiled back and looked at Lindsay's chart, "How are you feeling 
this morning?"

"Nervous."

"Other than that?"

"I'm fine."

"That's good."

Pam efficiently went about her business.

Bobby kissed Lindsay.

"You're too early," she chastised him.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I," she admitted. "I missed you."

"The doctor will be here soon," Pam told them as she finished 
recording Lindsay's vitals on the chart.

"Thanks"

"Good luck, Lindsay. I hope he has good news."

 

Bobby closed his eyes, suddenly unable to stand the suspense. He felt 
Lindsay's hand seek his and he raised it to his mouth to kiss softly, 
"Everything is going to be okay," he said with an assurance he didn't 
feel. Lindsay nodded silently, hoping beyond hope that he was right. 

"I'm scared," she whispered.

He leaned across the bed and hugged her tightly, "Me too. But we 
need to think positive."

"Whatever happens…I will always love you," she whispered.

Bobby felt the tears prick his eyes, "And I will never stop loving you."

The doctor appeared in the doorway, his expression serious. Bobby 
sat back down and looked bravely back at the man who held their life 
in his hands.

"Hey Lindsay. Hey Bobby. I…there is no easy way to say this…"

Bobby felt his heart plummet.

"I have bad news," the doctor continued.

 

PART 9

 

Bobby gripped Lindsay's hand tighter and felt the blood drain from his 
face. All optimism flew out the window. Lindsay felt the muscles in her 
legs go flaccid and thanked god she wasn't standing. "What is it?" she 
whispered.

"We got the results back from the tests we did yesterday."

"And?" Bobby asked impatiently.

"And…the chemotherapy has so far been unsuccessful.

"What are you saying?" Lindsay asked evenly.

"Lindsay…there is no other way to say this…the cancer has 
metastasised in your spine. It isn't a good sign."

 

Lindsay digested the news numbly, unsure how to react. She had 
accepted from the beginning that this may happen, but to consider the 
idea and to deal with it were two completely different things. In the 
dark silence of the night when nausea and pain kept her awake, she 
had wondered how Bobby would cope if she died. It was a thought 
she didn't even want to consider.

 

"What does that mean?" Bobby's voice was strained.

 

The doctor looked at him, "When cancer metastasises in other organs, 
it is very difficult to stop. I still recommend we continue with 
chemotherapy."

"Is there any point?" Lindsay asked softly.

Bobby turned to her, horrified, "Of course there is!"

"Why, Bobby?"

His mouth suddenly went dry, "Because…we have…we have to try." 
He looked at the doctor, "I want a second opinion."

"Bobby," Lindsay whispered, on the brink of tears.

"No Lindsay, I'm not going to let-" he knew his words were futile. He 
had no power to stop it.

Tears coursed down her face.

 

The doctor watched awkwardly. In his long career as an oncologist, 
he had never found this part of his job easy. "If you want a second 
opinion, I can recommend a very well respected oncologist." 

"How long?" Lindsay asked suddenly.

Fear flashed across Bobby's face when he realised the implication of 
her question.

The doctor rubbed his temples, "Its hard to say. Two years with 
treatment."

"But what about new research? There must be something!" Bobby 
argued desperately.

"What if I don't want treatment?"

Bobby felt pain sear through his chest at her words. He desperately 
wanted to look at her, to judge her reaction, but couldn't face the 
possibility that she had already made her decision.

Dr. Morrison stared at her for a few seconds before answering, 
"Maybe as little as 6 months."

She nodded. Too damn accepting, Bobby thought with fear.

"You don’t have to make this decision straight away. But I'd like to go 
ahead with today's chemo."

She nodded again, "Okay."

"Good. I'll send in the nurse."

"Give us a few minutes," Bobby asked.

"Sure." The doctor closed the door behind him. 

Once the room was empty, Bobby looked at Lindsay, "Why?" he 
asked, tears clouding his blue eyes.

"I hate…this," her hand swept around the room. "I don't want to go 
through hell for just a few more months..."

Bobby looked at her. He suddenly had so much he wanted to say, but 
didn't know where to start.

"Not even for me?" he whispered.

 

***

 

Ellenor looked at the lawyers around the conference table, "Okay. 
Opening arguments. Here's a copy. Tell me what you think." She 
waited nervously while the others read. She looked at her watch. 
Bobby had said he'd be late, but it was already 10 a.m. and they 
hadn't heard a word from him. She hoped everything was okay. But 
she didn't have time to think about it now. The case was going to trial 
the next day.

 

***

 

Bobby sat with his head against the wall. Waiting. Thinking. He closed 
his eyes, seeing his mother. Hearing the same words. "There's nothing 
we can do." He looked at Lindsay. She was lying on the bed, arm 
outstretched, chemicals dripping into her veins. She was watching him 
with an intense look of concentration. He could tell she was trying to 
figure out how to explain herself. But she didn't need to. He knew 
what she was feeling. What she was going through. Their eyes met 
across the room and their gaze locked.

"I just don't understand…" he said. He looked at is hands, breaking 
the connection.

"I don't expect you to," she replied in a whisper.

"You have to at least try. Lots of people get horrible prognoses and 
are treated successfully. What do doctors really know about cancer 
anyway? We should at least try."

His words hung in the air and it was a good five minutes before 
Lindsay spoke again.

"I've brought home A's since I was 5 years old. I had this notion of 
perfection drummed into me. Always have to win. Always have to be 
the best. My whole life I have fought every battle. I'm sick of fighting, 
Bobby. I hate the treatment…and I am so scared but…the extra 
time…I don't think its worth it." She refused to meet his eye as though 
one look at his concerned statement would melt her resolve.

"But your determination…its one of the things I most love about you." 
He remembered the fights they used to have. She had been the first 
woman to take him on, to really challenge him. He would sit at his 
desk at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning, mentally replaying their 
arguments. They still fought. Constantly. And they had become experts 
in the art of making up too. Well up until she had been diagnosed 
anyway. Fighting, and consequently making up, had come to a sudden 
halt after that. Until now. He knew that it would destroy him if he didn't 
fight for this. If his worst fears came true, he had to know that he had 
done everything. He couldn't live with the what ifs.

Lindsay cut into his thoughts, "I don't think I can do it," she admitted.

"Remember when I gave you the tobacco case?" he smiled ruefully. 
"You asked whether I thought I was doing the right thing by giving it to 
you. You were so unsure of yourself."

Lindsay nodded, remembering the nights she had lain awake doubting 
herself.

"But you won it for us. You can win this fight too."

"I don't want to fight anymore, Bobby. And for what? A few more 
months where I'll probably be bed ridden and stoned on drugs. That's 
not a quality life. I don't want it to come to that."

 

***

 

Eugene pointed to the page, "Okay, here where you talk about 
Barbara Keireth's case? I don't think you should go into so much 
detail."

"Why not?" Ellenor argued.

"Because we want the jury to hear it fresh. She sounded guilty when 
we put her up there to testify and she'll sound guilty this time too. Silva 
can coach her on techniques but he can't argue with the facts and on 
the facts she sounds guilty."

Ellenor looked at Rebecca and Jimmy, "What do you guys think?"

"I agree with Eugene." Rebecca stated. She looked at her watch. 
Where the hell was Bobby?

 

***

 

A nurse came in and removed the drip. "Doctor Morrison will be here 
to see you in a few minutes."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Lindsay scooted over on the bed and patted the space next to her. 
Bobby gave her a small smile and perched on the bed. She patted the 
spot again and he sighed, sitting up next to her. She rested her head on 
his shoulder. "I need you," she said.

"I'm here."

"I don't expect you to understand. But I need you to support whatever 
I decide."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and agreed with a nod of his head. 
"I'll respect your decision." They were the hardest words he had ever 
uttered. They were harder even than the three words that used to 
scare him to death. He felt like he had just let go of her for good, felt 
that he lost complete control of his life.

"I love you," he whispered. Yes those words were much easier to say.

"I love you," she returned. He kissed the top of her head and they 
waited in silence for the doctor to reappear. Nothing else needed to be 
said.

 

The doctor walked in the door, reacting to Bobby's presence (and 
position) with surprise.

"You know those beds are actually only designed for one person," he 
joked feebly.

Lindsay attempted to smile, "We're always willing to test the 
boundaries."

"I want to keep you here overnight."

They had expected this.

"I also want to run some more tests tomorrow. You can go home 
tomorrow night. Do you have any more questions?"

"No." Lindsay answered firmly.

"Bobby?" he asked.

Bobby shook his head, looking at Lindsay. "No."

"Well if you have any at all…I have my pager on me all the time."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Oh…Dr Morrison?" Lindsay called suddenly.

He stopped and turned around raising his eyebrows questioningly.

"About treatment? When do we need to decide that?"

He thought for a moment. "As soon as possible. If you decide to 
continue treatment, we want to begin right away. We'll need to assess 
the situation and decide on a new course of action."

She nodded and the doctor again questioned her with raised 
eyebrows, "Is that all?"

"Yes. Thanks."

"Anytime."

 

***

 

Jimmy suppressed a yawn. It was only lunch time but it felt like they 
had been in this meeting for days. Lucy appeared with sandwiches 
from the local deli and their remains were now scatted over the 
polished conference table. They were silent as they ate and he could 
tell they were all thinking the same thing. Something must be wrong 
with Lindsay.

 

***

 

Helen swept into the room. She saw Bobby in the bed next to Lindsay 
and screwed up her nose, "Don’t tell me that you two prudes have 
become more adventurous in your old age," she smirked.

She was met with serious faces.

"What's up?" she asked looking from Lindsay to Bobby and back to 
Lindsay, suddenly more concerned. "What happened?"

"The cancer has…spread to my spine," Lindsay told her without 
emotion.

Helen stared at her for a few seconds, wondering whether this was a 
joke. The look on their faces proved that it wasn't. "Oh Lindsay!" she 
breathed, leaning over Bobby and hugging her tightly. Helen let go of 
Lindsay and wrapped her arms around Bobby.

"Why is it at every major event in my life you have your arms around 
Bobby?" Lindsay joked glumly to Helen.

"Oh Lindsay I'm sorry," Helen cried as she let go of Bobby.

"I was just joking, Helen."

Helen wiped her eyes, confused, "The cancer hasn't spread?"

"It has spread…I meant I was joking about you and Bobby…never 
mind."

Helen looked at Bobby, "Have they given her painkillers or 
something?"

"No. She always sounds like this," he grinned.

"Oh very funny," Lindsay made a face at him.

"You guys don't look very upset," Helen commented.

Lindsay sighed, "We've had time to recover from the shock."

"But they can still treat it right?"

Lindsay looked at Bobby for strength. She took a deep breath before 
turning back to Helen, "No."

Helen gasped softly, "What?"

"The doctor wants to continue treatment…but I…"

Helen's voice became panicked, "Lindsay! Of course you should 
continue treatment!"

"Helen…" Lindsay placated.

But Helen wasn't hearing her. "I can't lose you Lindsay. You don't 
understand…I need you…you have to consider…"

"Helen…" Lindsay tried again.

Helen looked at Bobby, "You can't let her go through with this…she 
listens to you…you have to convince her…oh god." She covered her 
face with her hands.

 

Lindsay closed her eyes and dropped her head back on the pillow, 
suddenly nauseous. Her face turned an interesting colour of green 
before she reached for the bowl on the table beside the bed. Bobby 
reached for her hair, which was dangling precariously in the way. 
Helen watched silently. She could see why Lindsay wasn't too keen on 
continuing treatment, but it wasn't like Lindsay to back down from a 
challenge. Helen went into the adjoining bathroom for a flannel face 
cloth to wipe her face with and handed it to Bobby.

"Okay?" he asked with concern.

Lindsay screwed up her face, "Yuck. I need lemonade or something."

"I'll get it." Helen offered, glad for the excuse to leave the room.

 

Lindsay watched her departing back. She couldn't even consider 
another 2 years of feeling like this; it wouldn't be worth the extra time. 
But she hated seeing the two most important people in her life feeling 
so hurt. She felt like she hadn't seen Bobby smile in a long time, not a 
real smile anyway. It had been his unguarded smile that had melted her 
inhibitions in the beginning and she had loved him ever since. All those 
years wasted, offering love and getting nothing in return only to lose it 
all now to a disease.

 

Helen returned with a glass of lemonade, which Lindsay drank 
gratefully, washing out the disgusting taste in her mouth. Helen sat on 
the uncomfortable chair opposite the bed and rested her head against 
the wall, in a position remarkably like the one Bobby had been 
moulded into just hours before.

 

Lindsay looked at the clock on her bedside table and was shocked to 
see that it was almost 2 pm. "Weren't you going to go to the office?" 
she asked Bobby.

"I'll go in later."

"But the trial starts tomorrow!" Lindsay argued.

"I'd rather be here with you," he replied just as hotly.

"Maybe you should call them."

"I don't really want to face them," Bobby admitted.

Lindsay squeezed his arm understandingly, "We need to tell them."

"They don't need this now…it's the night before the trial."

"We can't hide it from them."

I'd like to hide it from myself for a little while longer, he thought. "We'll 
tell them together…tomorrow." He sighed, "But you're right. I should 
go in now…just to make sure…"

"Yes you should. They’ll be wondering where you are," he leaned over 
and kissed her tenderly. Tasting her icky breath but not caring. 
"Linds…" he said, his face still close enough to feel her hot breath on 
his cheek, "I understand." He looked in her eyes and saw the tears 
form. "I understand," he repeated. They kissed again, leaving him 
wondering how he would get through life if he couldn't kiss and touch 
this woman he loved so much.

 

***

 

Ellenor turned a page in the file in front of her, "Okay…Jimmy…you're 
taking Lindsay. We need sympathy remember. We need you to look 
like the nicest person on the earth compared to Tommy Silva…it 
shouldn't be too hard," she grinned.

"I know."

"No secrets remember. We want the jury to know everything before 
Silva gets a chance to cross."

"Do you think Lindsay will be okay?" Rebecca asked worriedly.

"She was great in her depo, so there's no reason she shouldn't do as 
well in the trial."

"Yeah…but…Bobby should be here by now…what if something is 
wrong and she can't testify?"

"Then we get a continuance."

"We won't need a continuance." Bobby announced from the doorway.

They turned to look at him, with expressions of relief and concern 
showing on their faces.

"She's okay?" Eugene questioned.

"She's…fine." Bobby mumbled. Lying to them was harder than he 
expected. These people were their best friends and they deserved to 
know the truth.

"Bobby?" Rebecca asked gently. "What's going on?"

"The cancer…" he felt his eyes welling up again. "The cancer has 
spread."

"Oh no." Ellenor breathed. Poor Lindsay. Poor Bobby.

"What?" Jimmy mumbled.

"It doesn’t look good." Bobby told them.

 

***

 

Helen sat stubbornly by Lindsay's side. She had been configuring 
arguments in her head to convince Lindsay to continue treatment. But 
every time she thought of something, a voice in her head found a 
reason against it. It was incredibly frustrating. It was after she had 
discarded her fifth good idea that she realised that Lindsay didn't need 
reasons and thoughts and arguments she needed support. She 
suddenly understood Bobby's acceptance of the bad news. He was 
being a much better friend than she was.

"Oh Lindsay I am so sorry!" Helen finally announced, close to tears.

Lindsay smiled at Helen's melodramatics, "For what?"

"For being a bad friend."

"Oh Helen," Lindsay replied, half exasperated and half crying. "You're 
not a bad friend. A bad friend wouldn't care as much as you do."

"But you deserve someone better than me."

"Well I choose you anyway." She said teasingly Helen remained silent. 
"Helen, you're my best friend. You always will be."

"I just don't want to lose you." Helen took the spot on the bed that 
Bobby had vacated and hugged Lindsay tightly.

"I don't want to lose you either," Lindsay replied, her voice muffled by 
Helen's shoulder.

"Is it really that bad?"

"What?"

"Treatment. Tell me that living with treatment would be worse than 
dying and I'll support your decision."

"Helen."

"Tell me, Lindsay. Tell me that treatment would make kissing Bobby 
less enjoyable. It would make all the love from your friends worthless. 
TELL me. Even if it's only a few extra months…it has to be better than 
nothing. Tell me you don’t love Bobby enough to spend every second 
of time available fighting to be with him longer. TELL ME!"

Lindsay remained silent, considering.

"Lindsay?"

"I can't." Lindsay croaked.

 

***

 

"We can get a continuance Bobby."

"No. She'll be okay for the trial. If we delay the trial…she'll just get 
worse."

There was silence around the table as everyone considered what this 
meant for the firm. They couldn’t even comprehend life at work 
without Lindsay there. They couldn't imagine how Bobby would cope 
if he lost her. No, it didn't bear thinking about.

"Go back to her Bobby," Rebecca suggested.

"How are you going?" he sat down in his usual chair, ignoring 
Rebecca.

"Fine. We're up to your testimony."

"Who's questioning me?" he forced a smile.

"Me," Ellenor replied, returning the smile. "You better be good. I don't 
want to have to declare you a hostile witness."

He pretended to be hurt, "What are you trying to say?"

"Well your temper isn't one of your most attractive features," she 
replied teasingly.

Eugene interrupted them, wanting to get back to business. "We don't 
want you to get emotional, Bobby. Just state the facts."

Bobby nodded, "Okay."

"We probably won't be calling you until at least Friday. So we'll talk 
more about it then." Ellenor finished. "Now go back to Lindsay." She 
added.

"Are you sure you don't need me?"

"Actually, we've been getting along quite well without you," Jimmy 
smiled.

"Go Bobby," Rebecca urged.

He stood up, "Okay. See you tomorrow."

"Give Lindsay our love."

 

***

 

Bobby returned to an empty room. He could hear the shower going in 
the adjoining bathroom and swung the door open.

"Linds?"

"I'm in here," she called back.

The shower stopped and Lindsay stepped unsteadily out into the towel 
that Bobby was holding.

"Thanks."

He kissed her shoulder, which was still dotted with drops of water, 
"How are you feeling?"

"Okay…just a little woozy." She reached for her bathrobe and 
dropped the towel while Bobby watched appreciatively. "Get your 
mind out of the gutter," Lindsay laughed.

Bobby gave her an innocent 'who me?' look.

"Why are you back so soon?"

"They made me leave."

"Did you remind them that you were the boss?"

"If I had wanted to stay I would have."

She smiled and Bobby felt his knees go weak. This incredible woman 
was his.

He helped her back into bed and wiped her hair from her eyes.

"Bobby. I've been thinking…"

"Uh oh," he grinned.

Doctor Morrison walked in the door, "You called me Lindsay?"

Bobby looked at her with surprise.

"I've decided…" she paused as though consulting her soul for the last 
time. She nodded slightly to herself, "…I've decided to go ahead with 
treatment."

 

PART 10

 

The next day…

 

Helen’s face appeared at the door of the hospital room and Lindsay 
greeted her arrival with a cheerful, “Thank God you’re here, I’m going 
crazy”. Bobby had rushed off to court and left her alone to bite her 
nails and twiddle her thumbs all morning.

 

Helen, who had expected Lindsay to be resigned to her fate, was 
surprised at the bravado. “Going?” she couldn’t resist asking.

Lindsay made a face at her, “Funny.”

“I have something for you.” Lindsay sensed a tinge of desperation in 
her casual tone.

"A present?" Lindsay raised an eyebrow.

"Something like that.” Seeing Lindsay’s devious smile, Helen looked 
warily around her as though an explanation for her friend’s sudden 
good mood was written on the walls. The answer hit her as a medical 
chart caught her eye. Drugs! It could only be drugs.

“Well I hope it’s a wig,” Lindsay replied, ignoring the befuddlement on 
Helen’s face. “I’m telling you I could really do with a wig right about 
now.” She looked despondently at her pillow which was decorated 
with several strands of hair. The hair loss had slowed down and 
Lindsay still had enough left to be able to look into the mirror without 
grimacing, but nothing would stop it completely. She pushed the 
depressing thought out of her mind.

Helen looked at her speechless for a second before opening her mouth 
to reply but Lindsay was too fast for her. “Oh! I know. You brought a 
cure for cancer. Thank God! I knew that you’d come through 
eventually. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Helen once again opened her mouth and this time she actually 
managed to squeeze out a single word. “Lindsay!”

Lindsay’s smile faded and the twinkle in her eye disappeared, “I was 
joking Helen.”

“I don’t think its something you should joke about.”

“So I’m supposed to just sit here and prepare myself for death like an 
obedient little terminally ill patient?” Lindsay spat.

“But…” Helen was more confused than ever. Lindsay’s mood changes 
were giving her a headache. “But you’re not going to die!”

“We don’t really know that.” Lindsay replied softly.

"Well that’s what I’ve come here to talk about.” Helen took a deep 
breath, calming herself before launching into the speech she had been 
practising all night. “Lindsay I love you and I respect your decision not 
to go ahead with treatment, but I will not rest until you have considered 
both sides-"

"Helen-" Lindsay interrupted.

"No babe, I know what you're going to say. But first listen to me-"

"Helen…" Lindsay placed a hand on her friend’s arm.

Helen shrugged off the contact at first, and then reached for her hand, 
holding it tightly in hope that her determination; her optimism would 
somehow seep from her own veins into Lindsay’s. Taking another 
deep breath, she forged ahead, "We don’t let a jury make a decision 
after only hearing from the prosecution and I won’t let you make a 
decision without listening to me. I brought this for you." She opened a 
photo album. "You should look at these photos and tell me another 
moment like this isn't worth fighting for."

Lindsay took the album and closed it gently. "Helen!"

Helen sighed and briefly closed her eyes before whispering, "What?"

"I’ve already decided to continue with treatment."

Helen's face changed abruptly from desperation to bewilderment, 
"You have?”

Lindsay smiled softly, "Yeah."

Helen studied Lindsay’s face seriously, before hugging her with 
speechless delight, "And you didn't tell me!?" Well not so speechless.

"Well I wanted to keep my hearing for as long as possible," Lindsay 
replied dryly, rubbing the ear that Helen had just damaged with her 
piercing shriek.

"But…" Helen was once again lost for words. Lindsay watched with 
amusement as she opened her mouth and closed it again. Finally a 
word made the successful journey from her brain to her mouth, 
“Why?”

Lindsay shrugged, "You were right."

"Well that goes without saying," Helen joked.

Lindsay grinned at her, "Modest too."

"Life's too short to-" Helen stopped abruptly. "Sorry. Bad choice of 
words."

Lindsay shook her head, "But life is too short. And after you left I 
realised…I wanted to spend every minute of mine with Bobby…and 
you…and everybody."

Helen wiped the tears from her eyes, "Does Bobby know?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"He…he didn't know how to react."

"He must be relieved. And happy…" Helen commented. She knew 
that Bobby had been emotionally shattered with the announcement the 
morning before. Happiness would be an understatement.

"Of course he was…he just…I don't think he believed it."

“So…how do you feel?” Helen asked warily.

Lindsay was silent, contemplating. She listened for a moment as a 
metal trolley trundled slowly past her room. Funny how life continues 
oblivious to people’s struggles, she thought.

“Linds?” Helen’s voice was imploring.

“I hate not knowing,” she finally admitted. “It sounds awful but at least 
with the decision not to continue treatment, I knew what was going to 
happen. But now…” she shook her head bleakly. “The future is in the 
dark again.”

It was Helen’s turn to fall silent, considering Lindsay’s confession. 
“You shouldn’t change your mind for us. You have to do it for you.” 
She said slowly, surprising both herself and Lindsay with the sentiment.

“And this is the woman who just threw a photo album at me begging 
me to reconsider?”

“Yeah well…you’ve made me realise that I shouldn’t force my 
opinions on you. This is your life.”

“And you’ve only just realised this? You couldn’t have made this 
revelation a few years earlier?”

Helen’s grim statement was finally replaced with a twisted smile, 
“Lindsay if I had respected your decisions years ago, you still wouldn’t 
know each other’s true feelings and Bobby would still be sucking your 
elbows in secret.”

“Well at least he’s sucking my elbows,” Lindsay joked.

Helen stared at her a second before bursting into laughter. “How can 
you enjoy that?” she asked. “He tried it on me…ugh”

“Well I’ve never understood your obsession with shoes either.”

“Okay, so I guess we’re even.”

“Yeah.” Lindsay held up the photo album. “Well thanks for the 
present. It might relieve some of the boredom. It’ll be nice to 
remember the good times…”She trailed off as she opened the album 
to a page in the middle and stared at the photo for a second. She 
looked back at Helen, an image of Bobby laughing still burning in her 
brain.

Helen, sensing Lindsay needed privacy announced light heartedly. 
“Well I’ll leave you to it. I think I’ll watch some of the trial…unless 
you want me to stay."

Lindsay shook her head, "Go. You can tell me what happens. I want 
details."

"Okay. See you soon.” They hugged. Lindsay wasn’t sure whether it 
was just her increased awareness for other people’s feelings, but the 
hug seemed tighter and more desperate than usual. Were Helen’s eyes 
also shiny with tears? Or was that just the garish hospital lights playing 
tricks on her? How could she reconcile with herself for causing so 
much pain to the people she loved so dearly?

 

She had fought with the very same idea the previous day; fought so 
desperately with herself that no other thought could interrupt the mental 
battle that ensued and the only result was sheer emotional exhaustion. 
It was at that time of weakness that her nurse had stepped in and seen 
Lindsay’s desperate confusion. Pam’s caring, concerned face had 
listened as words poured out of Lindsay’s mouth, almost as though her 
overloaded brain was disposing of all irrelevant thoughts. Pam simply 
listened, knowing that some patients needed to sort everything out with 
themselves before they could confront loved ones with their decision. 
She listened as Lindsay told her about her on again/off again 
relationship with Bobby all those years ago and listened as words 
tumbled out about the stabbing and the subsequent proposal. 

 

Somewhere in the illogical stream of words, Lindsay found the answer 
she was searching for. “I know Bobby doesn’t want me to give up, but 
he has no idea what this is like. It hurts me so much to see him hurting, 
knowing that he has gone through all this before with his mother. And 
he doesn’t want to share what he’s feeling because I think he’s afraid 
of…I don’t know…if he speaks his mind, his fears might come true. 
And he doesn’t want me to worry about him. But I do worry about 
him. I worry every time I see his face. But why should I do this to him. 
Aren’t I just extending his misery by staying alive for a few more 
months? And the treatment may not be successful, the doctor made 
that pretty clear. Its like a bandaid, you rip them off quickly, get it over 
and done with. I think I need to do that here. I can’t prolong his pain 
more…it would kill him inside. He’s already suffering so much and I 
know he’ll eventually forget what it was like for me to be me. This isn’t 
me at all. Sick in hospital…crying to a stranger. He’s going to forget 
who I really was. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want his last 
memories of me to be the years I lay in hospital; doped up on 
drugs…I can’t stand the thought of that!” Her face crumpled again, 
new tears joining those already staining her cheeks. “But I…I need him 
so much…and I want to be with him for every second that I have. 
How could I turn my back on being with him? How could I 
choose…ending everything…over having time with him?”

 

And then as suddenly as she started, the words stopped, and she was 
almost surprised at having nothing else to say. Pam had simply taken 
her hand, squeezed it and offered, “I think you know the answer. You 
always have. It just got lost within all the other thoughts.” 

 

And she was right. Lindsay did know the answer. Somehow it had 
come to her. Helen’s own arguments later that day had simply 
reinforced her own. Her decision still scared her and she would never 
be completely sure of it, but if Bobby’s response was anything to go 
by, it was the right decision to make.

 

Lindsay now picked up the photo album and opened it again. Tears 
stung her eyes when she saw the first photo. She and Helen had their 
arms around each other, grinning broadly into the camera, at some 
college party. How young and carefree they looked. And how things 
had changed! It showed innocence that she could never retrieve and a 
feeling of invincibility that she would never again feel. She flipped the 
page. More and more images of the two friends striking various poses 
and suddenly the Bobby photos began. There was the photo she had 
snapped when they were being 'recreational'. She had often looked at 
it during those months with a sad certainty that they would never be 
anything more than bed buddies. The photos of the couple became 
more and more frequent and their expressions more and more loving, 
until finally the wedding photos began. Lindsay flipped through them 
happily until she came to blank pages. Her happiness was replaced 
with a sense of horror. This is what it would be like for Bobby. The 
photos would end and all he’d have was memories. It was something 
that didn’t bear thinking about. With trembling hands Lindsay picked 
up her book. Jane Austen had always been a good cure for fear and 
nerves and Lindsay hoped the remedy wouldn’t fail now.

 

Ten minutes later, however, she slammed the book shut with a 
frustrated sigh. She looked at the clock. 9:27. Bobby! His name once 
again permeated her consciousness. Reaching for the phone on the 
night stand she blindly dialled his number, hoping that he hadn’t already 
turned off his phone. As it rang she thought of the tune that must be 
playing in the courthouse. It was their song: “I will walk 500 miles”. It 
had started as a joke, but now they both recognised it as ‘theirs’. She 
remembered the day Bobby had met her at the door of their 
apartment. He had been ridiculously pleased with himself as he played 
it for her, having downloaded it from the internet. He never turned on a 
computer unless it was for work and Lindsay was surprised and 
secretly thrilled that he had done something so outwardly affectionate.

 

In a voice that even now made her knees go weak (lucky she was 
already in bed) he answered, “Bobby Donnell.”

“I forgot to say good luck!” she said breathlessly.

“I bet you say that to all the lawyers you call,” he teased.

“No I tell them to kiss my ass. You should be flattered.”

His laugh pleased every cell in her body and she wriggled down the 
bed so that she was completely lying down. 

“Actually I’m jealous. I’d kiss your butt any day,” he replied with a 
grin. A red headed woman in the gallery heard him and frowned. 
Bobby continued unawares “And I’m also running late. The judge 
should be here any second.”

“Okay. Well call me when you get a chance.”

“I will. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

***

 

Bobby switched off his phone and sat down next to a busy looking 
Ellenor and a statue still Jimmy.

“All set?” he asked Ellenor.

“I hope so,” she continued to move papers around. It wasn’t until he 
saw her move the same file three times that he realized it was nerves 
she had developed rather than an acute obsessive compulsive 
disorder.

“You okay Jimmy?” Bobby asked, concerned about the green-grey 
colour his face had turned. Jimmy’s glassy eyes turned to him and his 
head moved slightly, which Bobby interpreted as a nod. Ellenor saw 
Bobby’s worried look and gave him a tight smile, “He’s been like that 
all morning.” She returned to her file moving.

 

Bobby thought ruefully of all the previous cases Jimmy had tried in the 
same nauseous condition and won. It was probably a good sign. He 
sat next to Ellenor and looked around the room. Silva was calmly 
reading through a file, ignoring the prim Barbara Keireth seated on his 
right who was chatting nervously. Bobby could hear her shrill voice 
from the other side of the courtroom and found himself listening to her 
babble, “Well my sister thinks that I have a good chance here, but she 
said that the defense is a reputable firm. Even SHE has heard about 
Mr. Donnell and she lives in North Dakota!” the woman met Bobby’s 
eyes, giving him an intense glare of hatred. Bobby ignored her and 
looked instead at the gathering spectators. As far as trials went this 
one was low down on the list for entertainment value. The only 
journalists present were those who wrote for various law journals and 
magazines which made for a very relieved Bobby: he had kept his life 
so private for so long, he dreaded having it aired now. He also knew 
that Lindsay dreaded having her illness made into front page news. 
Until now, very few actually knew about the cancer, but it was soon to 
become public knowledge. It was the last thing she needed.

 

The judge finally walked in and looking around the courtroom with an 
air of absolute boredom, he sat down took a sip of his coffee (that had 
a dash of whisky) and waited for everybody to settle. Let’s get this 
over and done with, he thought.

 

***

 

Lindsay lay in bed, desperately wishing that she was by Bobby’s side. 
Her brave act from the morning had now completely decayed away, 
exposing the raw anxiety and fear beneath. But at least she could rest 
easy, knowing that Bobby was in court with his mind clear to 
concentrate on the trial. She remembered his surprised reaction to her 
announcement the previous night: he had stood completely still, as if 
afraid that if he moved she’d change her mind. She had seen the 
question in his eyes, “Why?”

The doctor, sensing an intimate moment had hurried wordlessly out, 
and Bobby had waited until the door was firmly closed and silence had 
settled on the room before saying, “But you said…”

Lindsay sighed with frustration. “I know what I said! I've changed my 
mind. I’ve changed it a thousand times …this isn’t easy for me 
Bobby!”

“But why now…you were so sure of your decision…”

Tears shone in Lindsay’s eyes, “Do you really think that I could make 
that decision so quickly? A decision that would mean we’d be 
apart…?”

Bobby closed his eyes as though to shut out her words, “I would have 
supported whatever you decided.”

“I know. But Helen wouldn’t have…she was…” Lindsay searched for 
the right word, “Relentless.”

Bobby looked hurt, "You listened to Helen and not me?" he mumbled.

Lindsay reached over and took his hand, holding it to her lips before 
replying emphatically, "No! I just came to realise it was what I really 
need to do."

“Are you sure?" he whispered, still apprehensive. He needed to be 
certain she wasn’t fooling him with some cruel joke.

Lindsay nodded, “All I know is that I want to spend every moment I 
have with you. There is so much I want to do…I want to make love to 
you, I want to walk in the woods in autumn, I want to eat triple 
chocolate ice cream on the beach in summer, I want to go shoe 
shopping with Helen…okay maybe I don’t want that…”

Bobby laughed through his own tears.

“I’ll never be sure, Bobby. But what I will be sure of is my love for 
you. And I have to give us a chance…how could I not?”

He stood still, seemingly unaffected, as he held tightly onto her hand. 
Lindsay could see the emotions flowing across his face. He still found it 
hard to express his deepest feelings and she had become a whiz at 
reading his facial expressions. As he stared at her, she felt his relief. 
No words were required.

 

Footsteps outside her room hauled Lindsay back into reality. A few 
seconds later, Pam’s friendly face appeared around the door, “Do you 
need anything Lindsay?”

Lindsay shook her head, hurriedly wiping the stray tears away with the 
back of her hand. She didn’t trust her voice enough to speak.

Pam saw the tears and wisely chose not to comment. She knew that 
after yesterday’s outpouring, Lindsay had to be the one to ask for 
help. “Well call if you need me.”

Lindsay nodded. Pam was walking out the door when Lindsay called 
“Pam!?” Her voice sounded unreal to her: shrill and desperate.

Pam turned, eyebrows raised expectantly.

“Do you have…” Lindsay trailed off, berating herself for not thinking 
the situation through thoroughly. Pam wouldn’t be able to help her. 
The nurse was caring and was a great listener, but what could she tell 
Lindsay about life? Why should she care about one patient, when she 
probably looked after hundreds in the same situation as her?

“I have lots of things,” Pam could read Lindsay’s indecision from a 
mile off. “I have tissues, water, comfort food and…” she smiled 
knowingly. “…A shoulder.”

Lindsay lifted her gaze to the kind nurse’s face. She took in the now 
familiar sympathetic green eyes with the small wrinkles around the 
corners that indicated that she laughed in life more than she cried. 
Those sincere eyes were now focussed intently on Lindsay. 

“A shoulder?” Lindsay asked.

“To cry on.”

Her compassion brought the familiar tears back to Lindsay’s eyes. 
“I’m sorry,” she apologised, wiping the tears away. “I hate crying.”

Pam’s green eyes bored into Lindsay’s, “Why?”

Lindsay paused before replying honestly, “They make me feel weak.” 

The nurse’s shoulders lifted in a shrug as though to say ‘so what?’ 
“There’s nothing wrong with feeling weak. Nobody can feel strong all 
the time. Not even you.”

Lindsay’s nose was running like the Yangtze River. She felt 
overwhelmed, but still unwilling to unload her baggage onto someone 
else. “I’m sure you’re busy. I’m wasting your time.”

Pam laughed dryly, “You’re not going to get out of this that easily.” 
Her voice became smug as she settled in the chair beside the bed. 
“And I’m on a coffee break.” She pulled a tissue out of the box and 
offered it to Lindsay. “I’m here to listen.”

Silence ensued. Lindsay looked at a bunch of flowers on the window 
sill. She had no idea who had sent them, she didn’t really care. They 
were pretty but didn’t smell. What’s the point of sending flowers that 
don’t smell? She wondered. All Lindsay could smell was the 
nauseating combination of disinfectant and antiseptic. The scent of a 
nice rose would be a welcome change. 

“Lindsay?” Pam’s eyes searched Lindsay’s face she was looking for 
something, anything that would reveal what she was feeling. “Why did 
you call me back?”

Lindsay shrugged. She could be as good as Bobby at hiding her 
feelings if she tried.

“You know why. Tell me.” Pam urged.

Her words reminded Lindsay of Helen. Tell me. Hadn’t Helen said the 
same thing the day before? “Bobby…Helen…they don’t understand,” 
Lindsay offered reluctantly.

“What don’t they understand?” Pam asked, glad that she had an 
opening.

Lindsay’s eyes roamed the room, “This.”

“The disease?”

“No,” frustration rose to the surface but it was directed at herself 
rather than at Pam. “It’s not just that they don’t understand. I can’t 
talk to them.”

“Why not?”

“Because they don’t understand.” She laughed without humour at the 
catch 22. They don’t understand so I want to talk to them. But I can’t 
talk to them because they don’t understand.

“I think they understand more than you give them credit for.”

“But I don’t want to worry him.”

“Who?”

“Bobby.”

“You don’t think he could help you get through this?”

“Maybe.”

“Why can’t you talk to him?”

“Because he is already consumed with worry and stress and fear and if 
I present him with my own concerns, I’m afraid…”

“He won’t cope?”

“Oh he’ll cope. He always copes.” She was surprised at the bitterness 
that appeared in her tone. “But I don’t want him to have to cope. I 
don’t like the way he copes.”

“Why?”

“He lost his mother…they were close…do you know how long it took 
me to get him to open up about that?”

“How long?”

“Years. And I don’t want to burden him with…this.”

“This.” Pam stated, waiting for Lindsay to elaborate.

“This feeling…I just feel so helpless.” Tears began to well and Lindsay 
wiped them away, determined not to cry. “I have no control over my 
life and it terrifies me. And I worry. I worry about Bobby trying to do 
everything at the office and for me for the next however many years. 
And now we’re being sued and it’s my entire fault and if we 
lose…he’ll lose everything. And I feel so guilty for being such a 
burden. And I…I don’t want to die!” Lindsay finally succumbed to the 
heartache and sobbed into her hands. Pam rested her hand 
comfortingly on Lindsay’s back, waiting patiently for the tears to end. 
Here was a very confused person, she thought to herself sadly. The 
problem with someone used to being strong all the time is that they 
don’t know how to let go.

“There is nothing wrong with being afraid, Lindsay.” She soothed. 
“This is scary and I’m not going to pretend it isn’t. But there’s a rule 
saying that if you have cancer, you’re allowed to be scared.” The joke 
failed to get a response and Pam continued softly, “I know a lot of 
patients feel better if they write down their fears in a journal. Others 
write letters to their loved ones. You don’t have to send them, but it 
helps to sort out your fears and thoughts on paper. Maybe you should 
try it.”

Lindsay nodded, unable to speak.

“And talk to people. Protecting them will just cause more pain. They 
can help you get through this.”

Lindsay stared out the window, hearing the words but not quite 
accepting. Slowly, however, the words filtered through the mass of 
confusion in her subconscious. The words were soothing, comforting. 
They were exactly what she longed to hear.

“And if you ever want someone to talk to…I practically live here,” 
Pam’s mouth spread into a rueful smile.

“Thanks Pam,” her whisper was barely audible.

Afraid her words hadn’t helped Pam asserted, “Lindsay, it is okay to 
be afraid. And it is okay to be weak. It’s impossible to get through this 
alone. You have someone who loves you very much. Even I can see 
how much he loves you and how much he wants and needs to talk to 
you. He is probably feeling as helpless as you are at the moment.”

Lindsay’s face crumpled again at the thought of the man she loved 
being in as much pain as her. It was exactly what she had been so 
desperate to prevent.

Pam’s final words were imploring. “Talk to him.”

PART 11

Same day...

 

Helen slipped into the back of the courtroom and listened to the judge 
drone his instructions to the jury. It was obvious the crusty old judge 
would rather be anywhere else but in that courtroom and it was 
common knowledge that he hated defense attorneys more than 
Rebecca hated rats. The firm certainly hadn’t been lucky in his 
appointment to this trial. The jury shifted uncomfortably on the hard 
wooden benches, attempting to concentrate on what the judge was 
saying in his bored monotone. Only one juror had had the foresight to 
bring a cushion to sit on and the others now sent her dirty looks as she 
played restlessly with her pen and notebook.

 

Tommy Silva eventually stood and delivered a smooth opening 
argument. Helen was impressed with his performance. And it was a 
performance. His voice evoked despair when he spoke of Mrs. 
Keireth’s arrest over her dear neighbour’s murder. And he had the 
jury sending the plaintiff looks of sympathy when he outlined the 
defense’s dismal performance during the trial.

 

“It is because of the negligent actions of this firm that Mrs. Keireth sits 
not at home grieving for the loss of her neighbour but in a jail cell.” 
Helen grinned openly at the blatant lie. Mrs. Keireth and her neighbour 
had been steadfast enemies and if Ellenor did a reasonable job on 
cross examination, the jury would see that for themselves. Silva then 
spoke with contempt for defense attorneys and their courtroom 
techniques. It was a practised speech and he got carried away 
preaching. The jury began to lose interest in the lawyer as the opening 
argument crossed the ten minute mark. Finally, Silva began to slow 
and again he spoke emotionally of his client. “Mrs. Keireth has lost so 
much, it is time to give her something back. Give her the satisfaction 
that these negligent lawyers will pay for their mistakes.”

 

They were powerful words, but Bobby sent Ellenor an encouraging 
“go get em” look as she stood up and looked at each jury member in 
turn, “Well Mr. Silva just conjured up a nice image for you but if you 
believed that you may as well believe in the tooth fairy.” Helen held 
back a grimace. Ostracising the opposition was never a good 
beginning to a trial. Bobby’s impassive face was turned towards the 
jury and he reacted to Ellenor’s opening sentence with a tiny smile, the 
corners of his eyes wrinkling with amusement. Ellenor moved on to a 
summary of what happened in the trial. Her voice was forceful but she 
simply stated the facts and was finished in 8 minutes, allowing the jury 
to breathe a collective sigh of relief. Helen watched Silva. Who would 
he call first?

 

“The plaintiff calls Mrs. Keireth.”

 

***

 

“How did it go?” Lindsay asked worriedly as Bobby and Helen 
walked into her hospital room. She had spent the remainder of the 
morning doing what Pam had suggested and was writing in a journal. 
She had just finished her tenth page when they had arrived. Bobby 
pulled off his jacket and loosened his tie before kissing his wife 
tenderly.

“Good. Ellenor was...Ellenor.”

“Is that good or bad?” She frowned.

“Good. We’re cross examining Barbara after lunch.”

Lindsay looked at Helen for her agreement. She conceded with a nod.

“And Silva?” She questioned.

Bobby grinned, “He was reckless in his opening argument. He painted 
a lovely picture of Barbara as a grieving widow who was a devoted 
friend to her neighbour.”

“What!?” Lindsay’s outrage flashed in her eyes. “She is the biggest...” 
it didn’t take her long to search for the right word. “...Bitch.”

“We get to cross examine her next and if all goes well, the jury will see 
the truth.”

“I hope Ellenor does a good job,” Lindsay agonized.

“Oh ye of little faith,” Ellenor chastised Lindsay as she walked into the 
room. “I’m prepared for this.”

“I’m not criticising,” Lindsay replied defensively. “I’m just saying…”

“You’re just saying you don’t trust me,” Ellenor teased. “How are you 
feeling?”

Lindsay thought about the ups and downs of the morning but chose to 
respond with a simple, “I’m fine.”

Bobby narrowed his eyes, hearing something more in her tone. He 
didn’t want to push it in front of everybody but he had heard a hint of 
hopelessness that concerned him. She had decided to go ahead with 
treatment, and he knew that her decision was still bothering her. He 
knew all too well that she was in a damned if you do, damned if you 
don’t situation.

“Are you ready for this afternoon?” The topic of the trial was much 
safer to discuss than her wellbeing and since Bobby was beginning to 
look at her with a sense of concern, a change of topic was needed.

“I’m ready Lindsay,” Ellenor replied patiently. “Don’t worry.”

Lindsay smiled ruefully. It would be nice if she could stop worrying. 
Peaceful. If only it was possible.

“How long do you think Silva will take?”

“Who knows? I think he’s itching to cross examine Bobby, so I doubt 
he’ll take long,” Ellenor replied. “And if it were me I wouldn’t want the 
jury thinking about Mrs. Keireth’s personality for too long.”

Lindsay pulled a face, “Neither would I.”

Ellenor grinned.

“How’s Jimmy?” Lindsay wanted to know.

“Well he’s stopped looking like death warmed u-” Ellenor gulped 
back the final word, her eyes wide with regret. “I’m sorry. That was 
insensitive of me.”

“Oh for gods sake!” Lindsay retorted. “Don’t write me off just yet!”

Ellenor glanced at Bobby uncomfortably, “I’m sorry,” she replied 
softly. “None of us really know how to react...”

“You should treat me normally, that’s how you should react!” She 
climbed out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom with a hurried, 
“Excuse me.”

Bobby sighed and followed her, closing the door behind them. Helen 
looked at Ellenor without saying anything. She knew that Lindsay was 
still unsure of this new situation, she had been acting strangely all day. 
But she also knew that if anyone could put things right, it was Bobby.

 

“You okay?” Bobby asked as Lindsay splashed water on her face.

“I’m sick of everyone asking that!” she snapped, reaching for a towel.

“We ask because we care about you.”

“If everybody really cared about me they wouldn’t censor what they 
say to protect me!”

Bobby considered her words. “I don’t think we’re protecting you as 
much as we’re protecting ourselves.” He replied eventually.

Lindsay turned to face him, her eyes searching his face. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugged, “Don’t be.”

“I’ve been...” she sighed.

“What?” Bobby asked, stroking her cheek affectionately.

She smiled sadly, “I don’t know...this is too much...” her head 
dropped in defeat.

Bobby lifted her chin with a finger and looked her in the eyes. His 
tender concern drew tears from her eyes once more.

“Talk to me,” he pleaded.

Lindsay traced her finger down him arm, a look of utter desolation in 
her eyes, “I’m so scared.” Her whisper was barely audible but her 
words echoed loudly in Bobby’s ears. Bobby was surprised by the 
change of emotions, remembering how cheerful she had been that 
morning...nervous about the trial but in good spirits. He should have 
known that she was just putting on a brave front and chastised himself 
for being so busy with the trial to miss the signs. He wrapped his arms 
around her and she buried her head in his chest, her tears soaking 
through his shirt and sobs racking her body.

“I know but I’m here for you,” Bobby told her, kissing the top of her 
head.

Lindsay’s words were muffled through his shirt, “But I’m scared for 
the firm...an...and you”. Her last words were choked out.

Bobby found tears clouding his own eyes. “You don’t have to be 
scared for me.”

Lindsay reached for a tissue and loudly blew her nose, “I just hate 
having to put you through this...again...I don’t want to...I hate hurting 
you.” She bent down to pick up the towel she had dropped. Bobby 
took it from her and folded it. She watched him anxiously.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and finally raised his eyes to meet 
hers, “I won’t lie. This is...hard.”

Lindsay dropped her head, his words confirming her worst fears.

His next words echoed hollowly within the bathroom. “I hate seeing 
you so...” he closed his eyes. “Vulnerable.”

She recoiled as though physically injured. The word destroyed all the 
resolve she had spent the morning developing. “I just want to be me 
again.” she told him forlornly.

“One day you will be and I’ll be right here helping you,” he replied. 
“We just need think positively.”

“How can you be so damn optimistic about this?” Lindsay asked, her 
sadness giving way to frustration.

He wiped away the tears with his thumb, “There’s no point dwelling on 
what could happen. I love you and that’s all I need to think about right 
now.”

There was a soft knock on the door and Helen (having lost the toss of 
the coin with Ellenor) called, “Bobby? We have to go.”

Bobby put his hand to Lindsay’s cheek and she closed her eyes, 
leaning into the warmth. “Okay. Give me a second,” he called back. 
He turned back to Lindsay, “We’ll talk about this tonight.”

She nodded.

“I love you. No matter what.”

She nodded, eyes downcast.

“I love you,” he repeated, kissing her tenderly on the forehead. He 
waited for the reply that wasn’t going to come and with a soft sigh 
opened the door. As he stepped out into the room he finally heard 
what he’d been listening for. “Love you.” she whispered. 

 

***

 

Ellenor stood, buttoning up her jacket as she did so. The quiet in the 
courtroom was so complete, the soft squeak of her shoes could be 
heard as they crossed the polished floor. Her eyes were narrowed, 
focussed completely on the woman in the witness chair. Silva watched 
Ellenor calmly, but the neurons were firing rapidly in his brain. He had 
warned his client repeatedly of the traps that Ellenor might attempt to 
catch her in, but feared the woman would easily fall prey to this 
zealous attorney.

“Mrs. Keireth,” Ellenor began. “For how long did you live next door 
to Hillary Williams?”

The woman visibly relaxed at the question, “We were neighbours for 
ten years.”

“Ten years. It is your testimony that you were friends with the victim?”

“Yes. We were not the best of friends, but our friendship was certainly 
not as the media painted it.”

“You were friends?”

“Asked and answered,” Silva objected.

“Withdrawn. Mrs. Keireth, can you tell us in your own words what 
happened the day Mrs. Williams died?”

“We were both gardening. I went inside to pour us some iced tea and 
came out and she was dead. She had...” Mrs. Keireth swallowed. 
“There was blood everywhere and her head was all...”

“That’s fine, ma’am. Did you see or hear anything while you were 
inside?”

“No. Nothing. I came out and she was dead.”

“Nothing at all?”

“No.”

“Prior to her death, you were constantly fighting with Mrs. Williams 
were you not?”

“No we were not. The DA tried to make it look as though we were, 
but we were friends.”

“Do friends steal each others mail?”

“That was just a joke between the two of us.”

“Do friends spread nasty rumours about each other?”

“They weren’t nasty.”

“Do friends commit adultery?”

Barbara Keireth breathed deeply, “No. They do not. But we were 
certainly not the enemies the media has portrayed us as.”

“Mrs. Williams was having an affair with your husband wasn’t she?”

Barbara looked at her hands, “Yes.”

“How did you find this out?”

“I hired a private investigator.”

“And when he told you this, what did you do?”

“I confronted both my husband and Hillary and both of them denied it. 
After she was murdered I asked the investigator to destroy the tape 
because it might be used against me.”

“But if you didn’t kill her, why were you worried?”

“The media doesn’t care if you’re guilty or not, I knew they’d jump to 
conclusions based on that tape.”

“So you lied about the affair during the trial?”

There was no answer.

“Mrs. Keireth please answer the question.” The judge instructed.

“I didn’t mean to lie...” she faltered.

“You didn’t mean to?”

“I didn’t think it was important.”

“Did you discuss this with your attorneys?”

“No.”

“So they went into this trial not having all the information. Do you think 
this is a good way to try a case?”

“I’m not a lawyer.”

“But this information may have changed their strategy and you might 
not be living in a cell at the moment.”

“Objection.”

“Withdrawn. Did you get along with attorney Lindsay Dole?”

“No she was disrespectful and rude.” Mrs. Keireth’s eyes flashed 
angrily.

“In fact you often threatened to fire her, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“How many times did you threaten to find new lawyers?”

“I can’t remember.”

“More than five?”

“Probably.”

“More than ten?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I was told they were the best.”

“And now you think differently?”

“Of course I think differently, they’re the reason I’m in jail.”

Glad for the opening, Ellenor smiled inwardly, “You blame their 
actions in court for you being in jail?”

Silva pursed his lips with frustration as his client defiantly replied, 
“Yes.”

“Let’s review your case, shall we? You were home and gardening at 
the time of Hillary William’s death, she was killed by many hits to the 
head with your shovel, on which your fingerprints and no others were 
present. She was having an affair with your husband and you hid 
evidence of this the day after she was murdered. You had motive and 
opportunity and you withheld information from your lawyers. Is it 
possible you were convicted on the merits of your case and not the 
actions of your lawyers?”

Mrs. Kerieth glared at her, “I didn’t do it.”

“Right.” Ellenor sat down, “No more questions.” Bobby squeezed her 
hand.

“Mrs. Kerieth,” Silva began his redirect. “What else happened during 
the trial contributed to the decision to sue your lawyers for 
negligence?”

“They were distracted the whole time.”

“Distracted?”

“They didn’t object to statements that were just wrong! I would look 
at them and they’d be staring into space. Ms. Dole cross examined 
Greg Williams and was terrible! I’m not a lawyer, but I could tell that 
they weren’t trying.”

“Thank you Mrs. Kerieth.”

 

Ellenor stood again, “Did your lawyers ever try to explain their strategy 
with you?”

“Yes.”

“What did they tell you about their strategy?”

“That they were going to go hard on the detective and then not worry 
too much about the other witnesses until I testified. My testimony 
would be most important.”

“So when Ms. Dole cross examined Mr. Williams, could her soft 
questioning have been due to this strategy?”

“I guess so,” Mrs. Kerieth mumbled.

“Thank you.”

 

***

 

Lindsay chewed the rubbery hospital food without noticing its lack of 
taste. What a day, she thought. Still recovering from the emotional 
rollercoaster of the morning, she dreaded the conversation she was 
sure to have with Bobby. But thanks to Pam, she’d finally sorted out 
most of what she was feeling and her journal was also half full of 
random thoughts and emotions, which had helped tremendously. But 
she knew that the pages of the journal wouldn’t prepare her for the 
exhaustive, intimate questions that Bobby would ask.

 

When the object of her thoughts arrived she pushed the plate aside. 
Bobby screwed up his nose when he saw it, “That looks like 
something I’d cook.”

“Tastes like it too,” Lindsay returned with a smirk.

He leaned down and kissed her nose, “No dessert for you tonight.”

She laughed. “How did it go?”

He shrugged, “As expected.”

“What happened?”

“Ellenor was great. But so was so was Silva.” He shrugged. “It’s hard 
to say what the jury are thinking at this stage.”

Lindsay sent him a worried look, “But we were counting on doing 
some damage with Barbara.”

“Don’t worry about it, we’ll be fine,” his tone was filled with an 
assurance he didn’t feel.

She let the issue drop for the moment certain Helen would give her 
better details. “The doctor’s signing my discharge forms and then we 
can go.”

“Okay. Are you packed?’

She pointed to the overnight bag by the door.

“Well someone’s eager to get home. I wonder why.” Seeing his smug 
grin she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well someone else is going to be disappointed tonight,” she returned.

“Did you know Cleopatra gave every man in her army blowjobs 
before they went out to war,” he announced suddenly.

After again bursting into laughter, she replied in an incredulous voice, 
“Really?”

He grinned, “Yeah...like a thousand of them.”

“And you’re telling me this because...?”

“Well I might be testifying tomorrow,” he replied seriously.

She slapped him playfully on the arm, her expression full of disgust, 
“Someone is not only going to be disappointed but they’ll be sleeping 
on the couch tonight.”

He shrugged nonchalantly, “Well it was worth a shot.”

She was about to reply when the doctor’s voice interrupted them, 
“Lindsay, everything’s signed. I’ll see you next week.”

She welcomed the interruption with a grateful smile, “Thanks.”

“And I’ll be in touch about the results to those tests.”

She nodded and turned back to Bobby, lacing her fingers through his, 
“Let’s go home.”

It was only when they were walking down the sterile corridor that 
something occurred to her. “Bobby?”

“Hmmm?”

“Should I be worried about where you read that about Cleopatra?”

 

***

 

Bobby was loading the dishwasher a few hours later when the phone 
rang. His father’s voice filled him with remorse. Stephen had called 
many times, leaving messages on the machine, and Bobby had guiltily 
failed to return any of his calls.  He knew how much his dad loved 
Lindsay and just couldn’t face admitting to him that they might lose 
her. 

“So either your apartment was fumigated and you needed to move out 
or you’ve been avoiding me,” the cheerful voice began.

Bobby grinned. He missed their regular Sunday lunches. “Neither. 
Actually I was going to call you.”

“How’s Lindsay?”

Bobby sighed. He could no longer hide the truth, “That’s what I was 
going to call you about.”

The voice changed abruptly from cheerful to concerned, “What’s 
wrong?”

“She had some tests done two days ago...just to make sure she was 
progressing. The cancer has spread, Dad. They say that the prognosis 
isn’t good.”

Stephen was silent.

“Dad?”

“I’m sorry Bobby. How are you...uh...?”

“I’m...we’re coping. I’m here for her.” Neither was used to being 
candid about their feelings and awkwardness reigned. Their painful 
experience had built barriers between them and even now, so many 
years after their loss, conversations came to a screaming halt; neither 
wanted to inflict pain on the other with their memories and neither able 
to find the right words to provide comfort.

“I’m...so sorry. Do you need me to...uh...to do anything?”

Bobby swallowed, this was more awkward than he could ever have 
imagined. “Come and visit on Sunday. I’ll make Lindsay cook lunch 
and we can catch up.” He joked half-heartedly.

“I’d like that.” Stephen cleared his throat. “And the trial?”

The safe topic was welcomed eagerly by both, “It’s going well. Silva 
will hopefully rest tomorrow so we’ll begin our case the next day. I’ll 
probably be testifying first and then Lindsay.”

“Will she be okay?”

“Yeah...she’s strong.” The pride in his voice was unmistakeable.

“Well give her my love.”

“I will.”

“And you take care too.”

“Thanks Dad. You too.”

They hung up the phone, the air resonating with unspoken thoughts.

 

It wasn’t until Lindsay and Bobby were getting to bed that he 
broached the topic that had been plaguing her all day. It was a day for 
difficult conversations, Bobby thought ruefully. “How’re you doing?” 
he asked gently.

She instinctively pulled the covers up to her chest as though to prevent 
her true feelings escaping and lay down, head turned away from him. 
Unable to lie to him or herself about her feelings she remained silent.

Bobby watched her silently before continuing, “You sounded so 
relaxed this morning...I thought you were happy about your decision...I 
guess I’m confused.”

“You and me both,” she replied sadly.

“Tell me.”

Tell me. Everybody had been uttering those words lately. She 
breathed deeply, taking in Bobby’s unmistakeable scent that was 
infused into her pillow. It was luxurious to be in their bed after two 
nights in hospital. To be able to lie next to Bobby and touch him when 
she needed reassurance in the night.

“Linds?” he took her hand, holding it as though it was the one precious 
link between them.

“I...” she took a deep breath and turned her head to him. “This scares 
the hell out of me.” There. The words had been said.

Now that she had started it was easy to keep talking, it was almost a 
relief to share feelings she had been shielding from everybody, even 
herself. “I hate putting you through this, I’m terrified of hurting you 
again...I just want us to be normal...and I’m not ready to die...I don’t 
want to leave all this behind!” She felt like a broken record. How 
many times had she said those words in the last two days? Repeating 
them had made them much easier to say but not easier to accept.

“You won’t die.” He still held obstinately to his ever diminishing 
optimism.

“Bobby...we have to accept...”

“Then why are you continuing treatment if you are so certain?” he 
asked, frustrated.

She knew the answer, but paused, wondering how to express it. “For 
you,” she finally replied. “I have to try for you.”

He loosened his vice-like grip on her hand, taking a deep breath. “You 
have to do it for you.”

“But I am doing it for me...” she struggled for the words to explain. 
“You are such a huge part of who I am...you are me.”

Her words spread warmth through his body and he lay down, 
spooned against her, his body enclosing hers protectively, “You have 
to believe.” His breath tickled her ear.

“I just want to be normal again.”

“You will be.”

Bobby heard all her doubts voiced in her silence and assured her, 
“You will be.”

Lindsay squeezed his hand; her action telling him she needed and 
appreciated his comfort. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek 
before switching off the light.

 

***

 

Trial continued early the next morning. Lindsay’s arrival at the 
courthouse was greeted with excitement and giant hugs from Ellenor 
and Jimmy and she was thrilled to be back among the action again. If 
only the circumstances had been different.

 

The plaintiff continued their case, calling Detective Maguire to the 
stand. Helen who was again watching gave him a ‘good luck’ smile as 
he walked past her. 

Silva stood up and swaggered over to the stand.

“Detective, can you tell the jury the details of my client’s murder 
charge?”

“Sure. Mrs. Keireth was charged with the murder of Hillary Williams, 
her neighbour. The murder weapon was a shovel belonging to Mrs. 
Keireth, which had her fingerprints all over it.”

“The murder weapon belonged to her did it not?”

“Yes.”

“So you would expect to find her fingerprints?”

“Yes. But as we found no-“

“Thank you detective, that will do. You arrested my client based on 
this evidence?”

“Mrs. Keireth also had no alibi for the time of the murder and we 
discovered that she and the victim had a long history of animosity 
towards each other. It was also rumoured that Mrs. Williams was 
sleeping with Mrs. Keireth’s husband. Based on this evidence we 
arrested your client for the murder.”

“Some might say this was circumstantial evidence?”

“I disagree. It proves Mrs. Keireth’s guilt.”

“Do you know Robert Donnell?”

“Yes.”

“As a friend?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever been cross examined by him in court?”

“Many times.”

“And would you say cross examination is one of his strengths?”

“Yes.”

“Knowing this, did you find anything out of the ordinary when he cross 
examined you in Mrs. Keireth’s trial?”

“He didn’t seem as zealous as usual.”

“And do you have any explanation for that?”

Ellenor was out of her chair in a flash, “Objection! He can’t comment 
on Mr. Donnell’s state of mind.”

“Overruled.” The judge replied without hesitation. “Please answer the 
question detective.”

“Your Honor!”

“Ms. Frutt, sit down!”

Bobby pulled Ellenor down and they waited nervously for Mike’s 
reply.

“I didn’t know at the time, but…” he looked apologetically at Bobby. 
“Mr. Donnell’s wife was diagnosed with cancer a week before the trial 
began.”

Helen sighed. She knew Mike would never lie on the stand; it went 
against who he was. But she wished just this once he could have said 
something else

“In your opinion would this have affected his ability in court?”

“Objection!” Ellenor was again out of her seat.

The judge didn’t even look up, “Overruled.”

“Mr. Donnell is a professional and I doubt he would let something 
bother him enough to affect his performance in court.”

Helen heard his words and decided there and then she was in love.

“Let me ask you this. If you were in Mr. Donnell’s position, wouldn’t 
your performance be affected?”

“Objection!” Ellenor cried. “Speculation.”

“Withdrawn. We all know the answer anyway.”

“Objection!” she yelled again, ignoring Silva’s taunting face.

“Sustained,” the judge agreed.

Silva smirked again, “No more questions. Thank you detective.” His 
swagger was more pronounced as he walked back to his seat. Helen 
sent him looks of absolute loathing from her seat in the back.

“Detective,” Ellenor asked. “Have you ever doubted Mrs. Keireth was 
responsible for Hillary William’s death?”

“No I have not!”

“Is it possible that based on the fact that the evidence was so strong 
that the defense would find it harder to cross examine you effectively?”

“Yes I believe it would.”

“You testified that you have known Mr. Donnell professionally for 
many years.”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever known him to be negligent?”

Mike shook his head, “No. He tends to do more for his clients to get 
an acquittal than most would. I haven’t always agreed with his tactics, 
but I’ve never known him or Ms. Dole to be negligent.”

“Thank you detective.”

 

Next day...

 

The plaintiff rested early that morning and the judge looked with dislike 
at the defense. The jury shifted in their seats, glad that half the trial was 
already over, looking forward to getting out of the stuffy courtroom 
and into the rare sunny winter day.

 

Ellenor stood up and declared, “The defense calls Robert Donnell” 
and Helen crossed her fingers. She watched as Bobby walked up to 
the stand, radiating confidence. His dark blue suit and blue shirt made 
even Helen think “Wow” and the redhead in the gallery that had been 
devouring him with her eyes for the last two days suddenly sat up and 
paid attention.

 

Bobby sat in the chair and adjusted the microphone.

“Do you swear to tell the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth so 
help you God?”

“I do.”

Helen watched the jury intently as Ellenor began, “Let’s talk about 
your wife.”

 

Lindsay closed her eyes and hoped that her support was reaching him 
across the courtroom. She wanted to be up there with him, holding his 
hand, offering encouragement and support for the difficult questions. 
And she knew the next morning would signal the beginning of her turn 
on the stand and Bobby would feel exactly the same things she was 
feeling now.

 

“We have already heard that Ms. Dole was diagnosed with ovarian 
cancer the day before the beginning of the trial. How did you react to 
the news?”

“I was numb. It didn’t really register at first. When it did I was 
shocked.”

“Why did you continue trying the case? Couldn’t you have passed it 
on to someone else in the firm?”

“I insisted on keeping it. I knew it better than anybody and thought it 
would be detrimental to her case if someone else took over. Our 
defense was thin enough as it was without adding to it.”

“What state of mind were you in for the trial?”

“I was still a little numb, but I remained focussed on the trial.”

“Is cancer a sensitive issue with you?”

Bobby took a deep breath and looked to Lindsay for support, “Yes. 
My mother died of cancer when I was fifteen.”

“And even with this history, you felt able to continue?”

“Yes. I knew the case well and my resolve to win certainly wasn’t 
weakened by the news.”

“How long have you been practicing law?”

“Fourteen years.”

“And in that time have you ever been accused of not doing your best 
to defend a client?”

“No.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“In fact you’ve often been accused of trying too hard to get an 
acquittal, using questionable tactics, is that correct?”

“Yes. Some dislike our tactics, but we believe that we must do 
everything we can to win for the client. In many cases we are 
hampered by the evidence against us. You cannot win them all, but we 
do everything in our power to try.”

“And you think this is one of these cases?”

“Yes. We were already disadvantaged by the evidence but when Mrs. 
Keireth was caught in a lie on the stand we had no hope. She had 
refused to turn in key evidence and also failed to inform us of it.”

“At this stage you passed the case onto a partner in the firm?”

“Yes. Mrs. Keireth wasn’t happy with how the trial was going and 
was threatening to fire us. I knew the judge wouldn’t her to change 
attorneys in the middle of the trial and instead suggested Eugene 
Young take over. She agreed.”

“How did you feel about passing over the case?”

“I knew that she would be in the hands of a very experienced lawyer. I 
trust Mr. Young completely.”

“Great. Thank you.”

 

Silva stood up slowly, relishing the opportunity to open up the 
unexplored depths of Bobby’s heart. His tone was hostile and 
challenging. “You turned off the life support on your mother didn’t you 
Mr. Donnell?”

“Objection! Relevance!” Ellenor jumped out of her seat.

“It goes to his state of mind during the trial,” Silva argued.

The judge nodded, “Objection overruled. Answer the question Mr 
Donnell.”

Bobby took a deep breath, determined not to be drawn into the fight. 
Lindsay had always told him he needed to control his temper, maybe 
now was a good time to begin. “Yes.”

“And you were fifteen?”

“Yes.”

“That must have been a very traumatic experience.”

“Yes it was.”

“In fact you don’t talk about it very much do you?”

“It happened more than twenty years ago.”

“But you’ve seen first hand the grief of losing a spouse.”

Bobby paused, thanking God his father couldn’t get off work to come 
and watch the trial. “Yes.”

“What type of cancer does you wife have?”

“Ovarian cancer.”

“And what is the chance of surviving ovarian cancer?”

“If it’s caught early, the prognosis is good.”

“And if it’s not?”

Bobby’s voice dropped into a whisper, “I believe the survival rate is 
only 15%.”

 

A lump had developed in Lindsay’s throat and she attempted to 
swallow it. Bobby didn’t need this now. How dare Silva go after him 
like that! How dare he reopen those wounds! She seethed as the 
questions continued. Never had she felt more exposed to the world.

 

“And was your wife’s cancer diagnosed early?”

Bobby momentarily closed his eyes, “No.”

“So although you have unresolved grief over your mother’s death and 
a very slim chance of your wife surviving cancer you still remained 
focus on the trial. You must be a remarkable man.”

“Objection!” Ellenor fumed.

“You’re objecting to him being remarkable?” Silva grinned.

“I’m objecting to what you’re implying,” Ellenor spat back.

“Sustained.”

“Well finally!” Ellenor muttered to Lindsay as she sat back down. 
Lindsay didn’t hear her, her ears focussed on the continuing barrage of 
questions.

“So you went to trial.” Silva continued without any loss of rhythm.

“Yes.”

“And what happened next?”

“We tried the case as best we could.”

“How many times did you object?”

Bobby shrugged, “I have no idea.”

“The defense made just 15 objections during the trial and 12 of those 
were made by Mr. Young. This is compared to the 28 objections 
made by the DA. Does that strike you as odd?”

“No. The DA is the type to object to everything and anything.”

“It wasn’t because you weren’t focussed on the trial?”

“No.”

Silva’s tirade continued. After fully exhausting the topic of the trial he 
turned back to his favourite subject. Lindsay.

“When did you get married?”

“Last May.”

“You’re newlyweds.”

Bobby smiled softly. “Yes.”

“Do you love your wife?”

“More than anything.”

“She’s been through a lot in the last couple of years, can you explain?”

“She was stabbed by a client two years ago.”

“Stabbed. How did you react?”

Bobby swallowed the lump in his throat, “I was afraid of losing her.”

“You were representing a murderer at the time, weren’t you?”

“Just at a probable cause hearing.”

“And did you or did you not admit his guilt during oral arguments?”

“That was-“

“Yes or no.”

Bobby breathed out slowly, remembering how he had lost it in front of 
the judge. Telling Judge Hiller it was the first time his client had ever 
shot somebody. It was not a day he remembered fondly. “Yes.”

“Yet you still maintain that you remained calm in Mrs. Keireth’s trial, 
even after learning that your wife had a very slim chance of survival.”

“He’s testifying.” Ellenor objected.

“Withdrawn. Nothing further.”

 

Redirect failed to heal the new wounds and a very sorry group left the 
courthouse at lunchtime.

“I was terrible,” Bobby sighed.

Lindsay hooked her arm through his, “No you weren’t.”

“He walked all over me.”

“Well he had a lot of material to work with,” she replied with a small 
smile.

He looked at her, hurt, “Thanks Linds. Just what I need to hear.”

She rested her head against his shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” he asked with concern.

“Tired.”

“The judge might let us adjourn for today,” Ellenor suggested 
worriedly.

“No I’m fine. I may as well get it over and done with.”

Ellenor looked once at Bobby for agreement and took a deep breath. 
“Okay. I hope Jimmy’s ready.”

 

“Ms. Dole,” Jimmy began. There were rustles from spectators as they 
settled back down after lunch. He waited for silence to once again 
settle on the room before continuing. “You spent a lot of time working 
with Mrs. Keireth?”

“Yes. Certainly not by choice,” she remarked with a quick glance at 
Bobby.

“Did you feel positive about winning as the trial approached?”

“Yes and no. The evidence was stacked against us and she was very 
uncooperative when we sought more personal information to help with 
our case.”

“We have already heard that the week before trial you were diagnosed 
with cancer. How did you react to that news?”

“I went blank. I couldn’t really take it in.”

“How long did this last?”

“I started thinking about it more seriously that night. I guess I came to 
terms with it. We were feeling positive at that stage. The doctors 
assured us that with surgery I had a good chance and besides, many 
people get cancer these days...it doesn’t automatically mean death.” 
The words sounded like lies as they tumbled out and she was certain 
the jury would see through her false optimism, but they were looking at 
her with interest, sympathy even. Even the judge was eyeing her with 
an expression of sympathy overriding the usual grimace. Maybe he had 
a heart after all she thought with wonder.

“You cross examined the victim’s husband?” Jimmy asked. 

“Yes.”

“Why did you accuse him of killing his wife?”

“I must admit I was desperate. We sometimes use this tactic to create 
reasonable doubt in a case we’re not doing well in. Mr. Williams had 
all the answers at that point and I decided it was worth a shot.” She 
shrugged. “You have to take risks and sometimes they pay off and 
sometimes they don’t.”

“You regret it?”

“No. This is a case where the defendant was found lying on the stand, 
I doubt my one question caused the jury to find her guilty.”

“Thank you.”

 

“Ms. Dole, I’m sorry about your cancer,” Silva’s voice was thick with 
false sympathy.

“I’m sure you are,” Lindsay replied snidely.

“I just have a few quick questions for you. From your perspective, 
how did your husband take the news?”

“He took it well. This trial was not lost through any lack of 
concentration, but because your client was not forthcoming with many 
important facts.”

“He wasn’t affected?”

“Of course he was affected, but his work was not.”

“Okay. When you cross examined Mr. Williams and accused him of 
murdering his wife, did you have prior knowledge of his alibi?”

“No. As I said already, we were desperate to make ground for Mrs. 
Keireth and I took a risk, the risk did not pay off.”

Tommy Silva could see he wasn’t getting anywhere, he could see the 
sympathy in the juror’s eyes and knew they would hate him more if he 
questioned her the way he questioned Bobby. They wouldn’t forgive 
him for doing that to a cancer patient. He walked back to his chair, 
“I’m sorry about your illness Ms. Dole. I hope you and your husband 
can have this weight taken off your mind.”

Lindsay seethed at his little remark. She wished Ellenor would say 
something but knew there would be no point in doing so. She stepped 
down from the chair and slid next to Bobby, feeling as though she had 
run a marathon. She felt slightly dizzy and closed her eyes briefly to 
regain some composure. Bobby saw the tiredness in her face and 
wanted to whisk her home and put her to bed, but Ellenor was already 
calling Eugene. He put his arm around her shoulder instead, and under 
the unrelenting gaze of the jury, she rested her head on his shoulder. 
She just wanted this to be over.

 

***

Two days later...

 

Bobby took Lindsay’s hand and squeezed it tightly. The previous two 
days in court had been stressful on Lindsay to say the least. The pleas 
from Bobby, Jimmy and Ellenor to go home and rest had fallen flat and 
she remained stubbornly in her seat. But the exhaustion showed all too 
clearly on her face. Her skin was pale and dark circles formed a halo 
around her eyes. Feeling Bobby’s large, warm hands envelope her 
own she weakly squeezed back as they waited breathlessly for the 
result.

“We the jury find in favour of the defendant.”

The words were spoken so quickly, Lindsay didn’t register that they 
had won until the others began to jump up and down. Her body felt 
weak all over and a deep, overwhelming pain in her abdomen began to 
pulsate. She felt her heart beat faster and her breath become shallow. 
Bobby sat quietly beside her, still holding her hand. She turned to him 
and saw the tears shining in his eyes.

“We won,” he said, shaking his head with disbelief.

She nodded, waiting for the throbbing pain to subside. When it didn’t 
she turned to Bobby and using all her remaining strength, whispered, 
“Bobby.” She could barely be heard above the raucous cheering 
around her. He leaned closer to hear her next words.

“Take me back to the hospital.”

 

PART 12

 

The young doctor’s voice was soft, sympathetic. “Mr. Donnell, a 
dangerous side effect of chemotherapy is that it kills rapidly dividing 
cells, which includes bone marrow. Now bone marrow produces the 
white cells that ward off infections, so our chemotherapy patients have 
fewer defenses against infection and they are more susceptible to 
things like common viruses. The stress of the last few days has added 
to that lowered immunity and as a result your wife has caught the flu. In 
her condition, we have to take infections such as these very seriously, 
so I’d like to keep her in hospital for at least a few days. We’ll do 
everything we can for her.”

 

Bobby leaned against the wall, eyes closed. The man could have been 
speaking Japanese for all he understood. The doctor waited 
awkwardly for him to respond and after a long silence, Bobby finally 
opened his eyes. “Where is she?” he asked hoarsely.

The doctor pointed. “This way.”

Bobby followed him blindly to a dark room where green lights flashed 
silently on various pieces of medical equipment. Lindsay was sleeping 
soundly; her body was covered with a blanket, but her thin shape was 
all to clear beneath it. Sitting quietly next to the bed, he took her hand 
and brought it to his mouth, kissing it softly. He wanted to beg her to 
get better, assure her that he was here, but words refused to form on 
his lips. 

The doctor cleared his throat. “I’ll be in and out tonight checking on 
her. Call if you need me.”

Bobby nodded, eyes still focussed on Lindsay. He barely heard the 
retreating footsteps over Lindsay’s rasping breath. The scenario was 
all too familiar. Flashes of his mother’s illness flew by. The darkness of 
the room, the hiss of the respirator, the burning smell of disinfectant 
intermingled with his father’s favourite cologne. And suddenly the 
images were gone and he was seeing Lindsay’s stabbing: the agony of 
losing her when he had just begun to admit to the depth of his feelings. 
But he hadn’t lost her. And now they were married. He couldn’t lose 
her now. God wouldn’t do this to him again.

“Bobby?”

Relief breathed light into his gloom. He squeezed her hand. “Hey.”

Her hand was clammy and weakly squeezed back. Slowly, painfully 
her eyes opened. 

“Do you need me to call the doctor?” he asked.

Her head moved slightly from side to side. “What did he say?” she 
whispered, reaching painfully for a glass of water on the tray by the 
bed.

He smiled wryly, “You’ve caught the flu.”

“I’m in hospital because I have a cold?” she asked faintly.

“Your immune system isn’t doing its job. They need to keep an eye on 
you. How do you feel?”

“I’m tired, everything is aching.”

“Just rest.” He pulled the blankets back up over her body and tucked 
her in tightly.

 “Bobby,” she whispered again as he leaned over and kissed her 
lovingly on the forehead.

“Yeah?”

“I should call my parents.”

“I’ll do it,” he offered.

She attempted a smile, “You don’t have to.”

He laughed softly, “I’ve called them before I think I can do it again.”

“Don’t let my father scare you.”

“He doesn’t scare me!” he argued, affronted.

She laughed and he felt goose bumps rise on his arms...there was 
nothing he wouldn’t give to hear her laugh like she used to.

“He still blames you for us eloping,” she reminded him, voice still 
hoarse. “And he also blames you for my stabbing.”

He didn’t need to be reminded of this. Every time they met he was 
treated as though he had stolen a virgin daughter’s innocence. “I’ll call 
him,” he responded in a determined voice.

She nodded sleepily, her good mood disintegrating into exhaustion.

“Sleep well,” he whispered. When he was certain she was asleep he 
walked into the well lit passageway of the hospital. He looked around 
for a quiet corner and pulled out his cell phone.

“Hello?” The voice that answered was an older version of Lindsay’s, 
age beginning to increase its pitch and cause words to quaver slightly. 
Bobby smiled when he heard it, as always unable to believe how alike 
Lindsay and her mother sounded.

“Diane, its Bobby,”

“Bobby! How wonderful to hear from you. How’s Lindsay? I’ve been 
meaning to invite both of you to lunch. Are you free this weekend?”

“Uh...no...we probably won’t be able to make it for lunch...Lindsay’s 
back in hospital.”

“What happened?” her voice was now clearly trembling.

“She’s just weak...the trial took a lot out of her and she’s developed 
another infection.”

“Does she want me there with her?” There was something in her tone 
that threw him. She sounded inconvenienced. Bobby knew that the 
relationships Lindsay had with her parents were complicated but if the 
situation had been reversed and his mother had been alive, she would 
have sped through red lights in order to be by his side. Diane’s 
distance was puzzling. She was clearly concerned about her daughter 
and called regularly, but for some reason refused to get closer. 
Perhaps she was as afraid of getting hurt as he himself was, but at least 
he had the courage to deal with it, whereas Diane simply refused to 
face what was in front of her.

“She’s asleep now,” Bobby explained. “Come in tomorrow, she’d 
love to see you.”

There was an awkward pause on the other end and the voice that 
returned was cold, “Does her father know?”

“I’m about to call him.”

“Okay. Good. Thanks for calling, Bobby. Take care of her.”

He leaned his head against the wall, wanting to explain how he wished 
he could take care of her, but it was out of his hands. It made him feel 
so damn helpless. He hung up the phone and dialled Lindsay’s father’s 
number.

“Greg Dole.”

“Greg...uh...it’s Bobby.”

“Is something wrong?” For once the voice was not accusatory or cold 
but more human. Worried. As hard as Bobby found it to respect this 
man, he couldn’t deny that Greg loved his daughter. Not that he was 
ever around to show that love to Lindsay: forever flying around the 
world to various conferences, Lindsay rarely saw her father.

“She’s been admitted back into hospital...she’s caught another 
infection and the doctors are worried her immune system won’t be 
able to deal with it.” His voice sounded distant to him, the words 
sounding sterile as they emerged mechanically from his mouth.

“How did this happen?” the familiar accusatory tone was back.

Bobby felt his face grow hot, couldn’t this man for once stop blaming 
him for everything that went wrong in his daughter’s life. “She insisted 
on going to court for the trial...it was all too much for her...but you 
know how she is...so stubborn.”

“You should have made her stay home.”

“I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. She’s not a 
child, she makes her own decisions.” Bobby argued irritably.

Greg Dole took a deep breath and continued in a more normal voice, 
“What are the doctors saying?”

“They want to keep for a few days to try to control the infection.”

“Well tell her...” his voice softened, “Tell her I love her. And uh I’ll 
come and visit when I get a chance.”

“Sure.”

Bobby hung up the phone, resisting the urge to pound it against the 
wall. How two messed up parents could give life to such an amazing, 
well-adjusted daughter was beyond him. He walked tiredly back into 
Lindsay’s room, hoping for some peace and quiet but instead met by a 
crowd of colleagues.

 

Lindsay was awake and smiling tiredly at something Rebecca was 
saying, while Ellenor, Jimmy and Eugene were heatedly discussing 
something else in the corner. As soon as they saw him pandemonium 
broke out.

“Have you heard what Jimmy thinks we should do?” Ellenor began, 
rolling her eyes.

“Look Ellenor, it was just a suggestion-” Jimmy stepped in, red faced.

Ellenor ignored him, “He thinks we should sue Silva for legal costs, 
citing that Silva has a vendetta against the firm.”

“Not a bad idea,” Bobby said quietly.

Ellenor’s eyes widened and Jimmy grinned.

“But if I ever see Silva again I might kill him, so probably not 
something we should pursue.” He walked over to Lindsay’s bed and 
took her hand once more. Rebecca rubbed his shoulder comfortingly 
and he smiled to himself. She always knew the right thing to do. 

“I called them,” he told Lindsay quietly.

She nodded, “Thanks. Did Dad bite your head off?”

“Almost,” he grinned suddenly.

“He doesn’t mean to be so...”

“Arrogant? Uncompromising? Unforgiving?” he supplied.

“Yeah...all of those...and more.” She closed her eyes and after a pause 
opened them again. “I’m so tired. Can you...” she looked at the group 
standing chatting by the door.

He nodded, understanding and turned to his colleagues. “Guys...Linds 
needs to rest. Can you come back tomorrow?”

 

After quick hugs and goodbyes they were gone and Bobby was left 
alone with a sleeping Lindsay, and once again left immersed in his own 
thoughts. More than anything he needed a distraction and was relieved 
when he heard a voice interrupt the quiet of the room.

“I left my keys up here,” Rebecca apologised, grabbing them from the 
table by Lindsay’s bed.

Bobby rubbed his face tiredly, wanting to ask her to stay but not sure 
how to do it. She saw the action and hesitated, “Do you want some 
company?” she asked.

He stared at her for a second, still amazed that she always knew, 
“Yeah.”

“Do you want to get a coffee?”

“No...I want to be here if she wakes up.”

“Bobby you should get out of here for a little while. You need to get 
some fresh air...or at least different air. She worries about you when 
you spend all your time holed up here.”

Bobby sighed, the last thing he wanted was Lindsay worrying about 
him. With one final look to make sure Lindsay was comfortable, he 
stood and followed Rebecca down to the cafeteria.

“What did the doctor say?” she asked when they each had a cup of 
coffee in front of them.

Bobby shook his head tiredly, “Just that she’s caught the flu or 
something...and they need to keep an eye on her.”

“She shouldn’t have pushed herself.” Rebecca muttered.

Bobby stared into his coffee, as though looking for answers. “Nobody 
could have stopped her.”

Rebecca smiled suddenly, “Do you remember that client that she once 
had? Peabody his name was...”

“Vaguely. Wasn’t he the toilet guy?”

Rebecca laughed, “That’s him. Well he’s back. He’s moved into a 
new apartment and been charged again for flushing too much water. 
He wanted Lindsay, but Eugene assigned Jimmy to the case.”

Bobby attempted to smile. He appreciated the effort she was making 
to take his mind off things, but it wasn’t working.

Rebecca sighed, understanding. “How’s your dad taking this?”

“He’s...god I don’t think he believes it...both of us...you know?”

“Does he know?”

“Not about this...I should call him...” Bobby swallowed, knowing he 
had put off the phone call because he knew how difficult it would be.

“You should talk to him,” Rebecca suggested softly.

“I know.”

“He knows what you’re going through.”

 

Bobby closed his eyes. He hated even thinking about the similarities 
between what happened to his mother and what was happening now. 
He felt solidarity with his father, both having watched their wives 
struggle with cancer. But he wasn’t ready to acknowledge that they 
may soon share another, heartbreaking connection. Besides, although 
his father did know what Bobby was going through, it didn’t matter 
when they couldn’t talk about it. The conversation had been locked 
away in a safe for so long, they no longer held the key. Yet he saw in 
his father’s eyes how much he needed to talk about it and he knew the 
desire was reflected in his own eyes. Their minds were willing, but their 
hearts were not. 

“Call him, Bobby.”

Sensing that he needed to be alone to gather the courage, she drained 
her coffee, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She squeezed his shoulder, 
leaving him lost in thought.

 

***

 

Helen walked in the door, having heard from Ellenor what had 
happened. She looked around angrily for Bobby, ready to give him a 
piece of her mind for not calling her sooner, but other than Lindsay, the 
room was empty. She took a seat and watched her best friend. She 
was the only real best friend she’d ever had. She remembered the day 
she had met Lindsay. On their first day of college Helen had driven up 
with her boyfriend and found Lindsay lying on her bed reading a text 
book, boxes unpacked, books neatly shelved and pictures hanging on 
the wall. Helen had been, to say the least, horrified. She had been 
expecting to have some fun in the next year and it was obvious Lindsay 
was going to restrict that wish. She had sloppily unpacked her major 
suitcase and dumped the rest of her boxes in the corner, ignoring 
Lindsay’s pointed tut tuts. That night Helen’s boyfriend broke up with 
her for a blonde cheerleader he met at a frat party and Lindsay had 
been there with tissues, chocolate ice cream and lots of harsh words 
against the boyfriend. They had been best friends ever since. Lindsay 
had always been there for her to lean on, she couldn’t bear to think 
what it would be like not to have her. She had no one else she trusted 
as much, no one else she respected as much.

“You damn well have to get better Lindsay’ or you’ll have me to deal 
with.” Helen told her, pretending to be angry. 

Bobby heard her as he walked into the room. “I think what she needs 
now is support.”

Helen’s eyes flashed angrily, “I think what I needed was a phone call! 
Why didn’t you call me? I heard the news from Ellenor who just got 
home. Dammit Bobby, you’re not the only one who-” she broke off 
when she saw the hurt in his eyes. She swore at herself and walked out 
of the room, needing breathing space to control her anger.

 

Silence.

 

Within seconds she had returned, “Bobby...I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You’ve been here for every other major event in our life, do you 
blame me for wanting to do this alone?” he said. It was intended as a 
joke, but instead he sounded bitter.

“She’s my best friend...”

“She’s mine too,” Bobby whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Helen offered. “Do you want to be alone with her?”

Bobby stared at her for a second, realising just how selfless her 
suggestion was. Helen had every right to be there and he knew that 
Lindsay would want her close by. Besides, she had the same fears as 
he himself did; just having her there would ease the burden upon him. 
“No.”

Helen nodded and sat again. Bobby sat down on Lindsay’s other side 
and they both stared at her for a few minutes.

“I was just thinking about the first time I met her,” Helen told him, a 
smile spreading across her face. “I thought she was the most boring 
person I had ever met.”

“I thought she was the most amazing woman I’d ever met,” Bobby 
replied.

“You did?”

“She waltzed into the office for the interview, looked around once and 
grimaced and then asked when she could start.” He smiled fondly at 
the memory. “I couldn’t believe that a woman like that wanted to work 
in my firm.”

“She’s incredible,” Helen sighed.

 

The sat in comfortable silence: both fondly remembering the good 
times and not allowing themselves to consider what the future could 
bring. They were happy for the moment; living in the past, fearing the 
future.

PART 13

Two days later...Sunday...

 

“Dad, you should come to the hospital.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Lindsay....she...she’s worse, Dad.”

“Oh..........God.”

“She...we both...want to see you.”

“Is she going to be okay?”

“Dad...just come to the hospital...please.”

“I’ll be right there.”

 

***

 

Lindsay’s parents stood over Lindsay while Bobby stood by the door. 
The tension between them filled the room with negative energy and 
Bobby could barely stand it. He wanted to yell at them, to try to get it 
into their stubborn minds that what Lindsay needed was love and 
affection. Not tension, not stress, not anger. Couldn’t they for once 
think of Lindsay and leave their hostilities towards each other behind?

 

Lindsay’s mother finally found her voice. “Has she woken up?” she 
asked Bobby tearfully.

Bobby shook his head. “Not yet,” he replied hoarsely.

“She doesn’t look good. I want to speak to the doctor,” Greg Dole 
commented, sending accusatory scowls in Bobby’s direction.

“He said she’s developed pneumonia-” Bobby began, having already 
cross examined the doctor that morning.

“I want to hear it for myself,” Greg Dole interrupted, brushing past 
him.

Bobby sighed.

“My sister died of ovarian cancer,” Diane told Bobby sadly when 
Greg was gone. “I sat by her bed, thinking that this couldn’t be 
happening to someone I know. And now my own daughter...I just 
wasn’t ready to go through all that again.” She took a white, 
embroidered handkerchief from her purse and wiped her eyes. “I’m so 
sorry Bobby. This must be so hard for you.”

 

He concurred with a nod, his anger towards her ebbing as he realised 
they were all suffering here. They were all connected by their love for 
Lindsay and the fear of losing her. They just dealt with their emotions 
in different ways.

 

Diane squeezed Lindsay’s hand. “I know I haven’t been the best 
mother to her.” She shook her head sadly, “Life was complicated with 
Greg...it didn’t leave me with a lot of affection to give to my children 
and I’ve paid for that...she’s a good girl. She always was...she 
deserves better than this.” She looked up at Bobby with tears running 
down her face, “I only wish I could trade places with her.”

 

Bobby was moved by her words. He had accused her many times of 
not caring, but it wasn’t true at all. Deep down she cared a lot, but life 
had taught her to repress those feelings as a protective measure against 
getting hurt. Bobby could understand that defense well. He wanted to 
assure her that nobody wanted her to trade places with Lindsay, but 
selfishness prevailed. He would never wish for Diane to go through 
what Lindsay is going through but he would do anything to get Lindsay 
back.

 

An expectant silence filled the room. Diane, needing reassurance from 
Bobby, waited, her heart breaking with grief. Tension arose between 
them.

Stephen Donnell walked into the room, providing some much needed 
relief. “How is she?” he asked Bobby, eyes drawn to Lindsay.

Bobby shook his head, unable to find the right words. 
“Pneumonia...they said they’re trying to treat it...but...its not 
working...”

 

It was almost like a shield was slowly drawn across Stephen’s face. 
His emotions became guarded, expressions muted. He was caught in a 
vortex of memories, the words sounded chillingly similar to ones he 
had heard more than twenty years earlier. His heart racing, mouth dry, 
he offered the only comfort he could. He put a hand across Bobby’s 
shoulders, a silent offering of support. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He 
knew that nothing he said would provide relief to his son. But he would 
be there in support. His presence alone would be enough.

 

***

 

Monday...

 

Bobby sat silently by the bed. Lindsay had only woken up once during 
the day and he could feel his nerves tense as each second passed. He 
needed her to wake up, he needed the reassurance her sparkling eyes 
and loving voice gave. But slowly out of that desperation, fear unlike 
any other was emerging. What if she didn’t wake up? How could he 
live without her? He brought her hand to his lips once again and kissed 
it. He was grateful for the solitude.

 

Lindsay’s parents had remained at the hospital overnight but Greg 
Dole left in the early hours to go to work. Diane had decided to stay, 
but disappeared minutes earlier for coffee. Bobby was relieved. He 
wanted to talk to Lindsay, knowing that on some subconscious level 
she could hear him but with Diane in the room his words were left 
unsaid and instead were replayed like a broken record in his brain.

 

Playing with Lindsay’s fingers, he whispered, “I love you.” His words 
were punctuated only by the continued whirring of the medical 
machinery. “This isn’t fair,” his voice cracked. “It wasn’t meant to 
happen like this...”

 

Lindsay stirred as he spoke and his eyes were immediately drawn to 
her face. She moaned almost imperceptibly, but his anxious ears 
noticed. His shoulders slumped when nothing else happened. There 
was the sound of footsteps outside the room, but he ignored them. 
Lindsay's mother walked in with puffy red eyes.

 

"Any change?" she whispered with a croak, clasping Lindsay's hand 
tightly.

"No."

"I just talked to the doctor again. He said-”

"I know." Bobby replied irritably.

 

Diane fell silent. She had felt like an intruder over the last couple of 
days and her repeated attempts at conversation were more a last 
appeal to her son-in-law for acceptance than a need to talk. She 
sighed. “Greg said he’d come back this afternoon.”

 

Bobby nodded, his eyes not leaving Lindsay’s face. He heard the quiet 
sniffles coming from the other side of the bed and felt his own eyes 
well up. He hated the waiting. Waiting for tests. Waiting for treatment. 
Waiting for results. Waiting for...death? He had to face the possibility 
now. He felt Lindsay's hand move inside his grip and he refocussed on 
her face. Her eyes were open and she attempted to smile at him.

 

"Hey," she whispered through dry, cracked lips. Her face was gaunt 
and shadows encircled her eyes. But she would always be beautiful to 
Bobby. He tried to feel more positive for her sake and smiled back, 
"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Like I've got something eating all my organs," she told him with a 
twisted smile.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly on the lips, "That was a stupid 
question."

"And yet you ask it every day."

He shrugged at her teasing tone. Diane sat back and watched them 
talk, smiling softly at their obvious love for each other. She was 
amazed by Bobby’s change from dejected and irritable to a man 
who’s eyes were shining with love and devotion. She wished with all 
her heart for a miracle. Lindsay turned painfully towards her, "Hi 
Mom."

"Hello darling."

"How are you?"

Diane hurriedly wiped the tracks of tears away and smiled, "I'm fine."

Lindsay narrowed her eyes, "You're lying. Why does everybody lie to 
me?"

"We don't want to worry you, darling," Diane replied gently.

"I want to be worried, I want to be happy, I want...I want to be 
normal. I hate people treating me as though I'm made of glass...I want 
to be normal." Her voice cracked and Diane and Bobby were unsure 
how to react to this outburst.

"Baby, your Mom's right," Bobby began, stroking her hair. "We just 
want you to be happy."

"I will be happier if you let me live a normal life. Please."

"Okay."

Lindsay nodded and thought for a second, searching for a normal topic 
of conversation, "How's the office?"

Who cares? Bobby thought. Eugene had offered to take over and 
Bobby had hardly heard a word from him all week. "I don't know. I 
haven't been in for a few days."

"Really? What's wrong with you?" she teased.

"I would rather be here with you."

"You are so sweet. But I'll be fine. Just give me a couple of days and 
I'll be running marathons,” she joked.

 

Bobby was again unsure how to react, the pain he was feeling was too 
immense for humour to override it and the look on Diane's face 
showed that she was thinking the same thing. Lindsay’s eyes were 
pleading for a sense of normalcy, for the teasing banter that was so 
familiar to them but words failed him. "Marathon's huh?" he asked 
flatly.

"Yeah. And then we'll buy a house, have ten kids and live happily ever 
after," she continued wistfully.

Diane covered her face and left the room. Lindsay watched her go and 
turned back to Bobby, "I can't mention kids these days without making 
her cry."

Bobby swallowed, feeling his temper rising, "This is hard on her. You 
should try to be a little more considerate."

Lindsay’s laugh was humourless and harsh, "Considerate? I’m dying; 
do I really have to worry about making everybody feel good about 
themselves?"

 

Something in Bobby snapped and his fury was released, "Yes you do, 
dammit! You ask us to consider our feelings, well how about you 
consider ours!?"

 

Lindsay stared open mouthed as Bobby continued.

 

"You think this is easy for us? Easy for me? I get to come to hospital 
every day and watch a disease take my wife from me. Well I want 
normal too! I want to be able to go to the office everyday with you 
and not have to worry about cancer and death and hospitals! I want to 
be able to forget about my mother's death. I want more! I want my 
wife back! But you know what I've learned? I’ve learned that you 
don't get what you want in this life. In fact, you tend to get the exact 
opposite of what you want. Maybe you should think about that before 
snidely making comments that hurt everybody's feelings. Okay?" He 
stormed out the door and Lindsay watched agape. Bobby rushed out 
of the hospital and sped away in his car. It felt good to let all his pent 
up anger out. Without thinking where he was going, he arrived at the 
office.

 

Lucy looked up with surprise, "Bobby! What are you doing here?"

Rebecca, Ellenor and Jimmy, who had been talking in the conference 
room rushed out to see him. They clamoured for news.

"How's Lindsay?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Are you okay?"

"Does she want to see us?"

Bobby raised his hands, "Everything is fine….I just needed a break 
from the hospital…that's all."

"Are you sure everything's okay?" Rebecca asked worriedly. Bobby 
hadn't left Lindsay's side in a week. It was unlike him to desert her 
now.

"Yes," Lucy interjected, with narrowing eyes, "Something is wrong…I 
can sense it."

Bobby felt cornered, "We just had…we had a small fight, that's all."

Four pairs of eyebrows shot up, "You what!?" Rebecca shrieked, 
swatting his arm.

He moved out of swatting range, "I don't need a lecture, Rebecca. 

"Bobby this is not a good time to be fighting," Ellenor suggested gently.

"Fighting is a normal part of our relationship, why should that change 
now?" he snapped.

"Because..." Rebecca trailed off, not wanting to say the words.

"Because you might not have much time left," Jimmy finished 
matter-of-factly.

The women glared at him for being so insensitive.

"Thanks, Jimmy." Bobby responded bitterly.

Jimmy realised his error and sighed, "Sorry," he offered 
sympathetically.

Bobby nodded and decided that the office wasn't the best place for 
him after all. He left the office without another word. As soon as the 
door closed behind him, the women turned on Jimmy.

"What in hell made you say that?" Ellenor snapped.

Jimmy backed away from them slowly, a look of terror covering his 
face. 

Rebecca swatted him, “You idiot!”

 

***

 

Bobby wandered around the city for over an hour, with no purpose 
but to distract himself from the inevitable return to hospital and 
possibly another argument. It was only as he walked past Lindsay’s 
favourite jewellery store that he was struck with an idea. He would 
need a peace offering when he returned to the hospital that night. He 
casually glanced in glimmering shop windows as he passed by. It was 
pointless buying her something that she couldn't appreciate right away. 
Jewellery was too predictable, furniture out of the question. She 
needed something she could enjoy immediately. She didn’t have the 
concentration or stamina to read a book and music would be drowned 
out by regular hospital sounds. Flowers were nice but would wilt and 
die and he wanted something that would celebrate life, not death.

 

He passed a camera shop and looked thoughtfully at the picture 
frames displayed before him. Lindsay might like some nice photos to 
decorate the hospital room with. The shop bell rung shrilly as he 
entered and he quickly picked out four silver frames and took them to 
the counter. As he pulled out his wallet, he saw a display of funny 
photos and a banner proclaiming a prize for the funniest ones sent to 
the store. The photos sent of a chain reaction of thoughts and he 
approached the counter, mind still whirring.

 

"I need a camera too," he told the short, spectacled salesman.

The man grinned, "Good thing you came here then," he replied with 
good humour. "The bicycle store wouldn't have been able to help you 
much."

Bobby smiled half heartedly.

"What sort of camera do you need?"

"I don't know. Just a normal one."

"No such thing anymore. This fully automatic camera with zoom will 
cost you about a hundred. This digital camera will set you back about 
a thousand dollars."

Bobby looked at the two offered. Normally he’d be curiously playing 
with each option, testing out the extra features, but it all seemed 
irrelevant to him now, "I just need to take normal photos."

"Then I'd suggest this automatic. It's a good little camera."

Bobby looked at it and shrugged, "It looks fine to me. I'll take it."

“Pictures last forever,” the salesman told him solemnly as he handed 
him the bag. Bobby swallowed and whispered his thanks.

 

As soon as he got outside he loaded the camera with film and snapped 
some pictures of the street. He knew that Lindsay was frustrated at 
being cooped up inside and he wanted to take photos of all her 
favourite places and things to relieve some of that frustration. If 
Lindsay couldn’t see the world, the world would go to Lindsay. He 
spent the afternoon happily occupied. When he finally arrived at the 
hospital he held freshly developed photos, the frames and most 
importantly a smile. If the afternoon away had done anything it had 
improved his mood.

 

Her expression was dull when he entered her room. She appeared 
bored and angry and snapped her head around when he walked in.

"Hey," he grinned. "How are you feeling?"

She was about to let her anger off its leash but his grin stopped her. 
Instead she uttered listlessly, "Horrible."

He smiled again, "I have something for you."

"Great. Thanks." She took the parcels he handed to her and placed 
them on the bedside table without looking at them.

He swallowed his frustration, "Linds…I'm sorry about what I said 
earlier….I've been feeling so…I don't know….angry,” he stammered. 
“…it was just too much. I didn't mean it…I'm sorry."

Lindsay closed her eyes. She had been all prepared to continue their 
argument, but his words humbled her. "It wasn't your fault…you were 
right…I was being selfish and insensitive. You had every right to be 
angry."

"Friends?" Bobby asked hopefully.

She nodded, a tired smile finally appearing on her face, "Friends."

"Now look at your presents." He ordered.

 

She peered into one shopping bag, "Photos?" she flicked through them 
and laughed. "Oh! I love that place! And my favourite restaurant!" She 
flicked through and burst into laughter, showing Bobby a very 
unflattering photo of Helen. The photo had caught the micro moment 
of surprised irritation as she saw the camera focussed on her. Lindsay 
finally turned to him and kissed him softly on the cheek, "Thank you. 
You are so thoughtful."

"Your welcome."

She opened the next bag and saw the photo frames, "Wow. These are 
beautiful."

"I thought we might decorate this place a little. I'll bring the albums 
from home, if you like."

"I’d like that…" she put the frames down and looked at him 
thoughtfully. “There's something I want to do for you too."

A smile played on Bobby's lips. He couldn't imagine what she was 
talking about.

“I...I want to take your name.”

His eyes widened when her words sunk in. He was speechless.

Lindsay smiled at his reaction and nodded to herself, she had made the 
right decision. “I want to be a Donnell.”

Bobby continued to stare. He didn’t want to think about her reasoning 
behind the decision. “I...I’d like that....a lot.”

She smiled again and patted the mattress next to her. Bobby smiled 
back and hopped into her bed. There was hardly room for both of 
them, but Lindsay didn't complain; she snuggled against him and closed 
her eyes, "Mmmm. I wish we could stay like this forever."

 

Bobby didn't answer and she glanced up at him curiously to find that 
his eyes were filled with tears. "Oh, Bobby. I'm so sorry." She held 
him tighter and rocked him slowly. They were still wrapped in each 
other's arms when the nurse walked in two hours later.

 

 

***

 

The room was dark when Lindsay woke up. She could make out 
Bobby’s much loved shape on a reclining chair and his familiar soft 
snores sent a warm thrill through her body. But what had woken her? 
Soft footsteps walked continuously down the hallway outside, but she 
had become used to the regular hospital sounds, so it couldn’t be that. 
She was finding it hard to breathe and the pressure in her lungs was 
immense, but there was no pain. She lay quietly in bed, enjoying the 
peace that a cocktail of drugs brought.

 

Perhaps a dream had woken her? Had she been dreaming? She 
furrowed her brow, straining to remember. But no dreams came to 
mind. She used to be a vivid dreamer, both in childhood and 
adulthood. She had always been a constant thinker; quiet moments as 
she lay in bed were always loud with thoughts, so her dreams gave her 
an escape from herself. However since she’d begun treatment her 
dreams had faded and sleep had become dark and silent. It was a 
relief to be able to concentrate on nothing, to be able to rest her tired 
mind. But she missed the vibrancy of her dreams. Lying in bed, the 
scent and warmth of Bobby’s body permeating her subconscious, 
ensuring her dreams were fulfilling and peaceful. 

 

Nothing could rest her mind now. It was wide awake and prepared for 
some serious thinking. Maybe that’s why she woke up, she mused, her 
thoughts were crying out for some attention. Her mind had actually 
been whirring all day. Bobby’s enraged words had at first left her 
incredibly angry. So angry she had wanted to throw things and scream 
that she didn’t ask for this. She didn’t choose to become sick and put 
him through this pain all over again. But her energy soon failed and the 
anger turned into sorrow. Everything he had said was true. She needed 
to think about other people. She wasn’t the only one this was hard on. 
Stomach churning guilt had soon set in. Next she felt surprise that he 
was gone so long. She desperately wanted to see him again, she 
needed to apologise. But as the hours crept by she found herself 
growing angry at him again. He had been by her side interminably, so 
much that she had sometimes wanted to scream at him to leave. And 
now he had left of his own volition and she didn’t like it one bit. She 
wanted him back.  How dare he stay away when she needed him? Her 
mood when he had returned had been teetering on the border of fury. 
But his smile had thrown her. He hadn’t smiled in days. Perhaps he 
had needed a break from her as much as she had needed one from 
him. That realisation also shocked her. Yes, she had needed solitude 
so that she could work out her feelings by herself. And she had done 
that. Recalling how she had felt when he had returned made the reason 
for waking at this early hour clearer to her. There was something she 
needed to acknowledge.

 

She watched the shadows pass across the thin beam of light that 
seeped from beneath her closed door. Nurses whispered unhurriedly 
outside, the night time bringing much needed peace from the never 
ending streams of bedpans and complaints. Hospitals were now 
familiar to Lindsay. She had spent many a dark night lying in a hospital 
bed after she was stabbed, pain pulsating through her body as she 
waited for it to abate, wondering whether to call the nurse for more 
painkillers. Bobby had slept in a similar chair, remaining loyally by her 
side until she was discharged. Convincing him to leave was like trying 
to get a fish to breathe out of water, and when he finally did leave, 
he’d call her almost hourly to check on her. She laughed softly, 
remembering. She had wondered at the time whether he thought 24 
hour attention was a part of being engaged, but she hadn’t complained. 
They had been so thrilled with each other the constant contact had 
been a luxury; treasured and adored. 

 

Their short marriage had been just as blissful. Waking up in his arms 
morning after morning, hearing his groggy voice whisper I love yous in 
her ear, making love as the sunlight crept its way across their bed; the 
room giving off its own energy and light as it filled with laughter and 
moans of delight.

 

Lindsay’s smile faded. No more would she experience the pure 
euphoria of making love to the man she loved. No more would she 
experience lying languorously in bed, crumbs scattered over the quilts 
as they comfortably read the newspaper on a Sunday morning. Parts 
of her wanted to be angry, to furiously demand answers from God or 
Budda or Allah or whoever was cruelly dictating her future, to ask why 
they were taking away her life when she was enjoying it fully for the 
first time, but instead tranquillity presided.

 

She couldn’t lie to herself any more. In the deepest recesses of her 
soul she knew that she was going to die and rather than fight that 
reality, she accepted it peacefully. Was it relief? Perhaps. A weight 
had certainly been lifted from her heart. She also knew it was thanks. 
Her life hadn’t necessarily been easy, but she had been given the 
greatest gift of all, the gift of love. The love she felt each day not only 
from Bobby and her family, but Helen, Eugene, Ellenor, Rebecca, 
Jimmy and Lucy could fill a lifetime. She was grateful for that. Some 
people never experienced such immense love and support. She was at 
peace. Having accepted her future she could now concentrate on what 
needed to be done. Bobby needed peace too. He needed to know 
that she had no regrets. That she would always love him and be there 
for him. He needed to learn to love life again. She would teach him.

 

Bobby snorted suddenly and moved in his chair. Lindsay focussed her 
eyes on him, hoping that her love was reaching him from across the 
room. He had been amazing over the last few days, jumping to 
attention the moment she needed something, but she knew it was 
becoming all too much for him. His energy was gone, his optimism had 
disappeared and she could see in his eyes that he had guessed the 
inevitable ending to the story...but he still hadn’t come to terms with it. 
Tears painfully pricked her dry eyes. She had to help him to accept it. 
She had to show him that their love wouldn’t be halted by lifetimes.

 

***

 

Tuesday...

 

Lindsay woke up the next morning, face still pale and eyes dulled from 
pain. Her breath came in soft wheezes but she waved away Bobby’s 
concern. “Don’t call the doctors,” she asked him weakly.

 

Bobby’s face became heavy with worry. Lindsay reached for his hand 
and squeezed it as hard as she could. She smiled painfully and 
whispered, "Promise me something."

"Anything," he replied quickly.

She couldn't bear to say the words that she knew needed to be said. 
She closed her eyes, "If you meet someone else-"

He put his head in his hands, and attempted to shut her out, "Don't say 
it Lindsay."

Her eyes were still closed, but tears squeezed out between her 
eyelashes, "Please Bobby. Promise me."

He shook his head adamantly, "I will never love anybody else."

His protest pained her and she took a deep breath, ready to argue, 
"You have so much love to give. Don't grow old alone. Promise me."

Bobby squeezed his eyes shut, "I can't do that."

Her tears turned to sobs, "Please. Don’t waste your life because of 
me."

"No." he whispered, the word catching in his throat.

 

Helen arrived and stood at the door, not wanting to interrupt what was 
obviously a painful moment. Bobby saw her shadow fall across the 
room and stood quickly. He kissed Lindsay tenderly on the forehead 
and apologised in a whisper, "I can't...I...I have to go."

 

He pushed past Helen and walked blindly down the hallway, not 
knowing where he was going. Not caring. He just had to get away. He 
came to the end of the hallway and found an empty room. It offered a 
refuge and he embraced it desperately, allowing the facade of strength 
to crumble away for the first time since he had learned of Lindsay's 
illness. The pent up pain and emotion was released in his tears and he 
allowed them to fall. I can't do this, he thought. I can't be strong for 
her. 

 

There was a soft fall of footsteps in the hallway outside and Bobby 
wiped away the tears hurriedly. A nurse poked her head in and gave 
him a sympathetic smile, "I'm sorry....we need this room."

Bobby stood up to rush towards the door, "I'm sorry. I'll go 
somewhere else."

"There's no hurry. I just need to prepare a few things. Take your time."

 

He sat back down and breathed deeply. He couldn't bear to stay 
away from Lindsay for too long, but he also didn't want her to see him 
like this. He absentmindedly watched the nurse make the bed on the 
other side of the room. Little things had prompted the release of 
memories recently. Memories that were so vivid, he felt like he was 
reliving the experiences. Watching the nurse now made him remember 
a day soon after they were married. Bobby had arrived home from 
work in the early hours of Saturday morning, which always caused a 
fight. She had shoved him out of their bed at noon on Saturday, 
waking him from his peaceful slumber and ripped the sheets off angrily. 
He had stood by, bleary eyed, and waited for her to remake the bed 
with clean sheets before allowing him to snuggle back under the sweet 
smelling covers. Not a word had been spoken between them and it 
took Bobby a month before he dared to work late again. He smiled 
now at the memory, and looked back to where the nurse had been. 

 

She was gone.

 

Bobby stood, feeling a resurgence of strength return to his limbs and 
made his way back to Lindsay. He found her in quiet conversation 
with Helen and sat on her other side, watching her talk, but not hearing 
the words. He had always been mesmerised by her and now was no 
exception. His gaze refused to leave her face as he memorised every 
feature, every expression. She felt his unwavering stare and turned to 
meet his eyes, and in doing so she saw his pain. Helen stopped mid 
sentence, knowing that there was no point in continuing. She kissed 
her friend lightly on the cheek and whispered her goodbye, "I'll come 
back tomorrow. Hang in there, babe."

 

Lindsay turned back to Helen, tears once again forming in her eyes, 
"Bye Helen...Thanks." She watched her leave the room before looking 
back at Bobby. His eyes were red but his expression rigid, as though 
chiselled in marble.

“Don’t,” she whispered

He raised his eyebrows, questioning her.

She raised a hand to his cheek, “Don’t shut me out.”

He rubbed his face and when he removed his hands, the raw truth of 
his feelings was revealed. “I just....can’t...”

Lindsay began to cry, “You have to talk to me.”

“You can’t tell me to get over you....I won’t...”

Lindsay cried harder.

Bobby shook his head, tears falling from his own eyes, and carried on, 
“It makes everything seem too final. I...will...n...I won’t accept that this 
is the end.”

Lindsay’s tears darkened crisp white hospital sheet as they splashed 
down, “Sometimes we have to admit-”

“No we don’t,” he whispered.

“Bobby I need you to understand,” she begged, sobbing.

He pulled her into his arms, both of their body’s trembling with grief 
and whispered, “I will never understand.”

 

***

 

Saturday...

 

Eugene was the first to arrive in the small private room that had been 
emptied to provide a gathering place for Lindsay’s family and friends. 
At 7am the room was empty and he turned on the coffee machine and 
sat down to attempt to read the newspaper. Ellenor soon appeared 
and made them both a cup of coffee. They sat in silence, newspaper 
now discarded, minds focussed on one thing. Rebecca and Lucy 
walked into the room together, also silent and downcast. Lucy sat next 
to Eugene and picked up the fallen newspaper. She stared at the front 
page for minutes without reading before throwing it back onto the 
ground.

“How is she?” Rebecca asked quietly. Her words broke the solitary 
contemplation and all eyes turned to Eugene. Jimmy arrived and 
anxiously repeated the question.

 

“Bobby said she didn’t wake up yesterday,” Eugene responded, 
depressed.

Ellenor felt tears prick her eyes. “Can we see her?”

Eugene nodded and led them down the hall and into the now familiar 
hospital room.

Bobby, Helen and Lindsay’s parents were all sitting silently while 
music played softly in the background.

 

All eyes moved to the group and with a frustrated sigh Greg stood up 
and walked outside. He gestured for Diane to follow. “We can’t have 
too many people in the room,” he said to Eugene, his tone suggesting 
that he was only leaving for Lindsay’s sake.

 

Eugene glanced at Bobby, but chose to say nothing. The group 
crowded around the bed, uncharacteristically silent. Rebecca stood 
next to Bobby and put an arm around his shoulders, “How is she?” she 
asked, concentrating on steadying her voice for Bobby’s sake.

 

When Bobby didn’t answer, Helen spoke, “The same.”

Ellenor took Helen’s hand. Although not close friends, they had been 
living together long enough to develop a bond.

Lucy perched on the edge of the bed. She and Lindsay had never 
been close, but Lucy respected her for her determination and drive. 
And she was the only woman who had successfully trained Bobby, an 
achievement for which Lucy had the utmost respect.

 

Silence.

 

“I just can’t believe it,” Ellenor finally spoke softly. “Ever since she 
was diagnosed it has been like some surreal nightmare. I never 
believed...”

Bobby understood, but for him this nightmare was a recurring one.

Lindsay woke slowly, eyes fluttering before eventually, painfully 
opening. Her first sight as she opened her eyes was Jimmy. She 
stretched her dry lips into a smile and turned her head to look at 
everybody. “You’re all here,” she said croakily. “Shouldn’t you be 
working?”

 

Bobby brushed a hand over her forehead. “It’s Saturday,” he 
whispered, the smile evident in his voice.

“Oh.”

 

Silence.

 

“I just want to say...” she licked her lips. Talking was harder than she 
had expected. Or maybe the words made it harder. “...I love you 
guys.” Her words elicited all the tears that had been threatening to fall, 
and hands hastily fumbled for Kleenexes.

Lindsay closed her eyes and Rebecca exchanged a worried glance 
with Eugene. “Love you too, Linds,” she whispered, kissing her on the 
cheek.

Lindsay opened her eyes again. “Look after Bobby,” she whispered, 
knowing that Rebecca was one of the few people he turned to.

“I will.”

In turn each friend approached Lindsay and uttered their own 
affectionate whispers. Lindsay grew more weary as the seconds 
passed, and eventually she closed her eyes and fell once again into a 
deep sleep.

 

Rebecca once again placed an arm around Bobby’s shoulders, tears 
falling unnoticed. “Our lives will never be the same again.”

 

***

 

Sunday...

 

Bobby left the room for the first time in days. He had been suffocating 
in the presence of Lindsay’s parents and had sacrificed his need to be 
with Lindsay for some privacy. He headed for a small chapel he knew 
was somewhere on the ground floor. After wandering down never 
ending corridors he finally came upon the darkened room and sat in 
the back row. He rested his head on the pew in front of him and 
closed his eyes. There was a chill in the small room, perhaps from the 
marble floor or from the enormous stained glass windows letting the 
winter frostiness seep in. Bobby raised his head and found that his 
eyes had adjusted to the dark room. He saw the simple altar with a 
beautiful flower arrangement in front of it. He took in the dark wooden 
pews and polished floor. He jumped, startled when his wondering eyes 
came upon the shape of a man in a darkened corner close to a statue 
of Mary. Bobby stood and walked slowly to the front, his footsteps 
echoing in the empty room. He sat next to the man and put an arm 
around his shoulders, “I didn’t realise you were here.”

 

Stephen raised his bowed head, “I come everyday. Sometimes...I just 
can’t go up there Bobby. I can’t do this again...”

 

Bobby squeezed his father’s shoulder, understanding. They sat, 
wordlessly taking comfort in the others presence. Finally Stephen 
cleared his throat, drawing his eyes from the statue of Mary. “It’s your 
mother’s turn to meet her,” he whispered.

Bobby broke down, he had suppressed his emotions for so long he 
could hold on no longer. His father clumsily drew him into his embrace 
and for the first time ever they cried together.

 

***

 

Monday...

 

Bobby felt like he had been staring at her face for years. She hadn't 
woken up in days and it was just a matter of time before the drugs 
ended her pain forever. He saw the sheer volume of the cocktail of 
drugs that they fed into her veins and knew that that the time wasn't far 
off. A crowd of friends and family had gathered outside and Bobby 
could hear them now. There were whispered hellos, curious questions 
and sympathetic hugs. He didn't want to face any of it. They had 
shuffled one by one into the room to whisper their best wishes but 
were herded back out by Helen. She knew that Lindsay wouldn’t 
want her last days to be a spectacle; she would prefer to be 
remembered as the vibrant woman she once was rather than the shell 
of a person she had become. Helen looked at Bobby, sitting faithfully 
by the bed and also knew that Bobby needed the privacy to say 
goodbye, which he wouldn’t be able to do with the constant 
interruptions that a crowd would bring. 

 

Diane and Greg had asked for privacy with their daughter earlier that 
day and had emerged from the room in tears, their bitterness towards 
each other forgotten and a tentative truce formed. In return for the 
hour of privacy that Bobby had given them they now sat with other 
friends and family outside, leaving Lindsay with the people who 
showed her unrelenting love and support.

 

Bobby tucked a wisp of hair behind Lindsay's ear, wanting to cry, but 
he hadn't been able to allow the tears to flow since the morning in the 
chapel. He simply felt numb. He stroked Lindsay's arm, starting at her 
fingers and working up to her shoulder. Every inch was committed to 
memory. The small scar on the back of her hand where her 
neighbour's dog had bitten her in her childhood, her elbows that had 
provided both of them with endless amounts of pleasure, the smooth 
skin of her shoulders and neck. His eyes slowly traversed her entire 
body over and over again. When his gaze once again rested on her 
face he saw that her eyes were open. She tried to smile, but the pain 
was obviously too great. Her eyes still sparkled and he understood her 
thoughts. Words were not required.

 

"Hi..." she tried to say, but no sound came out.

"Don't talk. I'm here."

She shook her head slowly. "I had a dream about you...I just wanted 
to see your face," she whispered hoarsely, words barely perceptible.

He nodded, thanking God for allowing him to hear her voice again.

"I love...you." she squeezed her eyes shut and he kissed her eyelids, 
then her nose and finally her mouth with light, passionate kisses, "I love 
you," he replied. She seemed to be falling back into unconsciousness. 
Panic spread throughout his body, "Don't go! Please...don't go."

She opened her eyes again, "I’m....here.” She paused to gather 
strength, “Where’s ... Helen?"

“Guarding the door.” Bobby opened the door and met Helen's eyes, 
"She wants to see you." Helen swallowed the lump in her throat and 
followed him in. Lindsay had her eyes closed again and Helen glanced 
at Bobby uncertainly.

"Hey babe," Helen whispered.

Lindsay opened her eyes slightly, "I just...wanted to say...thank you...I 
love you."

Helen’s eyes welled up with tears she was determined not to shed, "I 
love you too. I am going to miss you so much."

Lindsay moved her hand and Helen gripped it tightly. She closed her 
eyes again and after a long pause she looked Helen in the eye, "Look 
after Bobby."

Helen nodded wordlessly, her resolve not to cry fading fast.

Lindsay turned back to Bobby and her face crumpled when she saw 
his fear, "Don't be afraid, Bobby. I'll...always be here...for you.....I 
love you."

“You’re going to a good place,” he whispered face pressed up against 
hers. His words released her. She could go now in peace. “I love you 
so much.” Bobby cried. With face still pressed against hers, he 
watched as she slipped back into unconsciousness.

 

PART 14

 

She died late that night.

 

Bobby, Helen, Diane and Greg sat by her side as she peacefully 
slipped from the world of the living. A nurse had been present 
throughout the evening, checking vitals and recording them silently and 
finally she turned to the four and said simply, "She's gone."

 

Bobby tuned out Helen's cry of pain and Diane's quiet sobbing and 
simply heard his own rasping breath and waited for the pain to hit him. 
Nothing came. He couldn't summon any feeling but emptiness. Helen 
took him in her arms and whispered over and over, "I'm sorry." His 
arms automatically clutched her and still nothing came. He felt as 
though someone had pulled the plug and life was slowly draining out of 
him. He was certain he’d never feel anything ever again. In the distance 
he heard the nurse speak.

 

"I'll let everybody know."

 

"No! Its my...I can do it," Diane whispered, her face pale. She leaned 
over and kissed Lindsay on the forehead, “I love you my beautiful 
baby girl.” Greg leaned over and whispered something in Lindsay’s 
ear, he wiped her hair out of her face and with a hand on Diane’s 
shoulder they left the room.

 

Bobby heard the reaction of everybody gathered outside before the 
door swung shut behind the couple, dulling the sound. The tears, the 
crying the consoling. He hated them for their tears. How could they 
know what losing her is like? She is everything to him. How dare they 
act like their sorrow compares to his!

 

Helen found her eyes drawn up to Bobby’s; his face was blank and his 
back unnaturally rigid, as though he had already begun to build the 
protective wall between him and the rest of the world. Helen finally 
pulled away from him, knowing that his loss was the most devastating 
of all. He had loved Lindsay so deeply, finding in her a solace from 
reality. Helen stood by him, giving her best friend one last look before 
kissing her lightly on the cheek, "I love you babe. I know you're in a 
good place but I will always...ALWAYS...miss you. Life will never be 
the same without you.” Helen turned away, eyes wet with tears. 

 

Bobby stood detached, eyes still glazed and expression vacant. He 
heard the distant sound of a door shutting and looked around. The 
room was empty. 

 

He stared at Lindsay’s face. How peaceful she looked. Her lips were 
drawn up into a tiny smile, and with her eyes closed she looked as 
though she was sleeping. Suddenly all the emotions he thought had 
deserted him came rushing back, shockwaves began in his heart and 
rapidly spread outwards to his limbs. ‘She’s gone’ each cell told the 
next. ‘She’s gone’ Bobby felt the searing pain of reality and squeezed 
his eyes shut as his mouth opened to give a silent cry of agony. 

 

"Oh god Lindsay," he choked. 

 

He took her hand and kissed it tenderly, "You were my reason for 
living....I love you so much. How am I going to live without you?" he 
pressed her hand to his cheek, cherishing her touch for the final time. "I 
love you, sweetheart. Love you so much."

 

He placed her hand carefully by her side and smoothed the blanket. 
She looked like she was still sleeping and if Bobby closed his eyes 
really tight he could almost believe that she would wake up and 
everything would be back to normal. But when he reopened them the 
stark reality hit him even harder. 

 

He had lost her.

 

He rested his head by hers, remembering the times they had whispered 
together before drifting off to sleep, and let the first tears fall. “I need 
you. I don’t know whether I can live without you.” He touched her 
cheek, feeling her soft skin.

 

He watched her face. Rain began to lash against the windows but he 
didn’t notice. Time stood still. He had kept vigil over her for so many 
nights, never getting tired of watching her. But now pain welled up like 
a dam inside of him and finally he was no longer able to cope with it.

 

“I love you. I will never stop loving you.”

 

He kissed her cheek and turned away with his head in his hands. He 
had said everything he could say. On the way out he saw a cross on 
the wall. He had never noticed it before. He looked at it now and 
whispered, “Take care of her” and left the room. The click as the door 
shut behind him sounded so final. They would always be separated by 
a barrier now.

 

He walked out into the crowd of people and saw, rather than heard, 
their conversations stop, their mouths close abruptly, watching him 
emerge. They parted like the red sea as he walked through them and 
whispered their sympathy. Their faces, normally dearly familiar, 
seemed like strangers and blurred together in front of him. He saw 
their mouths move as though in slow motion, but heard no words. The 
pounding of his heart superseded all other noises. He lowered his 
head. He saw shoes. Lindsay has a pair of shoes like that. Had. Had a 
pair of shoes like that. He pushed through the sea of people and out 
into the open hallway.

 

He walked blindly of the hospital where he felt the icy chill of the 
winter wind. It felt good; it felt real. It was something that he could feel 
with his whole body and accept as fact. He stood in the wind, braced 
against its power. His shivering became uncontrollable yet he 
remained. There was something in the fury of the weather that satisfied 
him. It mirrored his own feelings so perfectly. Yet there was also a 
cruel injustice in his feeling something so completely when Lindsay 
could feel nothing at all. He heard someone approach and turned to 
walk away.

 

"Bobby!" Rebecca yelled over the howl of the wind.

"Go away," he whispered, but his words were whipped away from him 
as soon as they were out of his mouth.

"I have your coat." She held it out to him and he accepted gratefully. 
She knew that he needed to be alone and gave him a quick hug before 
walking back inside. Bobby felt the residual warmth from her hug seep 
away. He needed that warmth. 

“Bec!” he called.

The wind drowned him out.

“BEC!” he yelled.

She spun around, cheeks pink with cold, tears freezing on her cheeks 
and began to walk back towards him. Her face was questioning.

 

Bobby said nothing. He just stood, shoulders slumped, a look of utter 
loss and desolation on his face. “What now?” he whispered.

 

New tears crystallised over the frozen tracks on Rebecca’s cheeks. 
She hugged him as tightly as she could. Nothing could comfort him 
now, but she could be there for him to lean on. 

 

Rebecca’s warmth wrenched Bobby from the surreal land he had been 
held captive in and he felt the full brunt of the pain. Holding onto his 
dear friend, Bobby allowed himself to release all the pent up emotions. 
As the furious wind whipped around them, they remained stationary. 
Connected by their love for Lindsay; connected by a fundamental need 
to cherish every friendship and relationship.

 

***

 

Bobby stood outside the door to their apartment an hour later. 
Midnight. A new day. His first day without Lindsay.

 

The front door needs painting, he thought. 

 

He wasn’t quite sure how he had come to arrive in that position. He 
knew there had been a cab. He moved his eyes towards the elevator 
as though it would clear up his blurred mind. Had he paid the driver? 
He wouldn’t be standing in front of his door if he hadn’t; he’d be on 
the pavement somewhere. Maybe Rebecca had paid the driver. She 
had put him in the cab hadn’t she? Bobby’s eyes swivelled from the 
direction of the street back to his front door. 

 

I really should paint the door, he thought.

 

He knew without looking that there was a long scratch down the 
paintwork on the bottom made by Lindsay’s stiletto heels from when 
she attempted to kick them off late one night. Actually Bobby wasn’t 
completely blameless. He had had her pinned her up against it at the 
time and had been doing unbelievable things with his hands.

 

He stared at the dark scratch that marred the cream door. I should 
buy some paint for that, he thought.

 

His hand clutched the key. He couldn’t remember taking it out. Had it 
always been in his pocket? Why was it in his pocket when he hadn’t 
been home in days? Maybe Rebecca had given him the key. Bobby 
reluctantly opened the door, prepared for the torment of the images 
and scent of Lindsay in their apartment. 

 

But he was surprised at how empty it felt when he walked inside. It felt 
un-lived in and cold. So cold. He dumped his overnight bag by the 
door and slowly entered their bedroom. It was a mistake. Memories 
attacked him relentlessly and he closed his eyes in an effort to shut 
them out. But it was no use. In agony he walked back out to the 
kitchen and took a deep breath. He couldn't stand the silence and the 
lifelessness that was once his home. 

 

At every moment he expected Lindsay to appear, chastising him for 
coming home late or making a mess. But she never came. Now he 
would welcome any arguments if he could just get her back.

 

He sat down on the sofa. A book Lindsay had been reading was lying 
opened on the coffee table. He wanted to move it but couldn’t urge his 
hand to reach out and take it. So he left it. He lay down, head resting 
against the arm rest and closed his eyes.

 

“So are you going to paint that?” her eyes sparkled as they knelt down 
to examine the long scratch on their otherwise perfect door.

He stood up. “You scratched it, you paint it,” he slid the key into the 
lock and swung the door open.

She stared at him, open mouthed, “Well if you hadn’t been doing what 
you were doing I wouldn’t have scratched it.”

He smirked, breezing past her into the apartment, “I didn’t hear you 
complain last night.”

She hung back, still looking at the door, a thoughtful frown marring her 
face, “The neighbours probably did. Maybe I should ask them.” 

He laughed, “I’m surprised they didn’t complain. We probably gave 
their kids nightmares.”

She smiled; content. 

Bobby took her hand and drew her away from the door. “I like it.”

“So you should,” she replied, laughter in her voice.

He shook his head, “No...the sex was amazing...but I meant I like the 
scratched door.”

“You do?”

“Yeah every time I open it I’ll remember how much fun it is to come 
home.”

Her laugh had thrilled him. 

“Well let’s scratch some more doors then,” she replied, looking 
around eagerly.

 

Bobby awoke with a start. He looked at his watch through blurred 
vision, 11am. Had he really been sleeping for so long?

 

He stared around wearily. Lindsay smiled at him from picture frames 
on the mantle. He padded into the kitchen and opened the fridge. 
Lindsay’s yoghurt dominated his vision. He slammed the fridge shut 
and picked up his coat. He could go to the office. 

 

There was a knock on the door. 

 

He was tempted to ignore it but with a heavy heart he opened it 
slowly.

"Hey Bobby." Rebecca greeted him sympathetically. He had obviously 
slept in his clothes overnight and his eyes were red and puffy.

"Hey," he replied dully.

"We thought you might like some company."

He swung the door open and let them in. Eugene and Rebecca walked 
in with a bag of muffins and steaming coffee from the local Starbucks. 
Bobby slumped into a chair, not interested in the food placed before 
him.

"Don’t worry about the office, Bobby. Everything’s running smoothly." 
Eugene commented in an effort to get Bobby talking. "We don't have 
any big cases at the moment."

 

Bobby didn't care. He picked up a blueberry muffin. Lindsay liked 
chocolate muffins but he had always preferred blueberry.

 

They sat down in the living room in an awkward silence. Bobby had 
tuned out completely. He was staring at the chair Lindsay usually sat 
in. He could see her now, shoes lying haphazardly on the floor, head 
rested against the chair back, talking to him across the room as he 
cooked dinner in their cramped kitchen. 

 

He pushed food into his mouth without tasting it, while Eugene and 
Rebecca shared a worried glance.

 

"Bobby..." Rebecca began uncertainly. He looked at her blankly as 
though he wasn't sure whether she had just spoken. "We've been 
talking." He continued to stare at her and she rushed on. "About the 
funeral. I know you haven't organised any of it, but Lindsay's mom 
came to the office today and she said that Lindsay had told her what 
she wanted. She asked one of us to do a eulogy. Helen doesn't think 
she can do it, and...well...I was wondering if you'd like me to say 
something?"

He was still frozen in the same position and shook his head slightly as if 
to shake himself out of the trance, "...Sure."

"Unless...you want to do it?"

"I...I can't..."

"That's what I thought. I'm sorry Bobby, I didn't want to bring it up, 
but it needs to be organised."

"I understand." He stood up suddenly and left the room. They heard a 
door shut firmly.

"I told you this was too soon," Eugene announced.

"It had to be said, Eugene," Rebecca responded.

"It’s only been one day. We could have waited until tomorrow at 
least."

Rebecca felt drained. She had lost a good friend too. She understood 
that a day might have helped, but an extra day might also have made 
Bobby more unreachable. She had to help him. She had promised 
Lindsay she would. "He needs to confront this. We can't let him bottle 
up all his feelings. I’m just doing what Lindsay asked me to do.” Her 
voice cracked when she said Lindsay’s name. She fumbled for a tissue 
and wiped her eyes

Eugene saw Bobby’s blank face in his mind and shook his head, "One 
more day would have helped."

“Are you kidding? One more year wouldn’t have helped,” Rebecca 
replied. They lapsed into silence.

 

Bobby lay on their bed with his face pressed against Lindsay's pillow, 
attempting to immerse himself in her once again. The room was alive 
with traces of Lindsay and he breathed deeply, using that energy to 
stable himself.

 

He hadn't been prepared to talk about the funeral and it had shaken 
him to the core. Funerals were so final. He remembered his mother's 
funeral. Everybody had patted him comfortingly on the shoulder and 
told him to be brave, "Take it like a man," they had told him. But he 
hadn't wanted to take it like a man. He had wanted hugs and comfort. 
He didn’t want to take it like a man now either. He felt like the same 
teenager, suffering the same inconceivable loss, listening to people say 
“it will be okay” and knowing that it would never be okay. His father 
had been too consumed by his own pain to pay much attention to 
Bobby and although they were close, they weren't close enough to 
discuss their loss. Bobby now understood how his father felt. He too 
wanted to shut everybody out and just work for every waking minute 
to forget the pain. He didn't even want to go to the funeral. It would be 
too final. He didn’t want to say goodbye.

 

He heard a knock on the door and sat up quickly to compose himself, 
"What?"

Eugene slowly opened the door and peered in, "We're going to get 
going...unless...you want us to stay."

"No. I'll be fine," Bobby replied.

"Are you sure? Because we can stay."

"Don't worry about me," Bobby replied with more composure than he 
felt.

"Okay. I'll stop by tomorrow...call if you want to talk."

"Thanks Eugene."

"And don't worry about the firm...I'll handle everything."

"Okay."

Eugene closed the door, again leaving Bobby to his thoughts. He lay 
back and hugged her pillow closer to him and fell into an exhausted 
sleep.

 

He dreamed of Lindsay. Moments flashed before his eyes and he felt 
as though he could almost reach out and touch her. It played like an 
old movie; the image before him speckled with time, a movie reel 
clicking away in the background. He saw her laughing at a joke he had 
made, her eyes twinkling with mischief. He saw her giggling as they 
made love. He saw her crying after losing a case and shouting at him 
angrily. He relived every moment as though it were real and woke in a 
cold sweat. 3:27am. He threw off the blankets and showered quickly. 
He was at the office within half an hour and it wasn't until he was sitting 
at his desk that he realised that he had nothing to do. 

 

The noise in the outer office woke Bobby later that morning. He could 
hear the usual sounds of blinds being opened, lights switched on and 
messages checked. Lucy was bustling around oblivious to his presence 
and he watched her with amazement. Since when did she start working 
so hard? He sat up and ran a hand through his ruffled hair. There was 
a gasp behind him as Lucy walked into his office.

 

"Bobby!" she shrieked, a hand over her heart. "You scared me!"

"Sorry."

"What are you doing here?"

"Thinking."

"Oh…" an uncomfortable silence settled between them. "Bobby…I'm 
so sorry-" Lucy paused awkwardly.

Bobby tuned out. He didn't want to hear sympathy. "Thanks," he 
interrupted.

“Something came for you by special delivery yesterday...” she left his 
office and returned in seconds with a small parcel in hand. Hesitating, 
she laid it on the desk. "I'll be right outside if you need me," she 
whispered and left quickly, closing the door behind her. She had 
neither Rebecca’s patience nor the intimate friendship with Bobby and 
she knew she would do him more good if she stayed out of his way. 

 

Bobby used all his powers of concentration, borne from years of 
having to work through grief, to ignore the package, but it was no use. 
He reached for it and impatiently tore the box open, cursing when it 
burst open, spilling Styrofoam packaging over his desk. The small 
black velvet box inside came as no surprise, but his motions slowed as 
he removed it, turning it around in his hand. He had bought it just after 
Lindsay’s first round of chemotherapy and asked the jewellery store to 
hold onto it until it was closer than Christmas. “I have a curious wife,” 
he had explained with a rueful smile. “She’s a lawyer, so she 
instinctively knows when I’m hiding something.” They had laughed and 
promised to deliver it in eight weeks time. Without opening it he slid 
the box into his pocket and looked back down at the file he had taken 
from Ellenor’s desk earlier that morning.

 

Slowly others arrived at the office, they looked through the blinds 
curiously, seeing him hunched over a file. They sighed, unsure whether 
to order him to leave or let him stay and use the distraction of work to 
forget his pain. They let him stay. It was odd having him there and not 
being able to talk to him. His office had always been open for 
everyone to use, but today they were afraid to even enter to use the 
bathroom. 

 

Eugene frowned as light began to fade, it wasn’t healthy for Bobby to 
stay cooped up all day. He lightly rapped on the door and opened it, 
“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Bobby replied, not looking up. He hadn’t considered the pain 
that staring in the direction of Lindsay’s desk would cause. He was so 
used to staring at her when she was working, watching her talk on the 
phone or laugh over something with the others. Seeing her desk, with 
papers and files upon it but without her sent shockwaves through his 
body. So he looked instead at a file in an effort to force it out of his 
line of vision.

 

Eugene stood awkwardly in the doorway, “Well I’m going home.” He 
hesitated. “Do you wanna get a drink or something?”

Bobby finally lifted his head, “No.”

“Go home Bobby. Don’t stay here.”

Bobby saw Lindsay’s chair out of the corner of his eye and turned his 
eyes back down to his desk. “I’m fine.”

Eugene watched helplessly. He was torn between offering comfort to 
his friends and giving him the space he obviously desired. It felt wrong 
to leave him all alone, but who was Eugene to comment on what was 
right or wrong in this situation? “Okay. Well I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

Bobby watched him through the blinds as Eugene shrugged into his 
coat and closed the door softly. The office was once again silent. He 
looked back at the file. With a frustrated sigh he stood up and ignoring 
his screaming muscles, walked over to the object of his thoughts. He 
sat in her chair and looked around him. He could see through the 
blinds into his office. He knew she had spent as much time looking at 
him as he had spent looking at her. Once he had jokingly suggested 
she move her desk into his office but she had replied enticingly “I like 
my view just fine”. 

 

He smiled sadly at the memory. He picked up the simple wooden 
photo frame and stared for a moment at the happy picture of the two 
of them. They looked so light hearted; so...alive. He took off the back 
of the frame and extracted the photo he knew was hiding behind the 
front one. It elicited his first laugh in weeks. It was of both of them 
lying on the conference table the week after their wedding. He had 
watched her put the photo in the frame and they had laughed about 
somebody finding it by mistake. He smiled again and put it once back 
behind the front photo. He slid it into his pocket and returned his gaze 
to her desk.

 

He picked up her favourite pen, given to her by her father after winning 
her first trial. It was inscribed in typical Greg Dole style, ‘Keep winning 
Lindsay!’ 

 

Bobby put the pen back, trying to remember whether Lindsay left it to 
her father in her will. Her will had been simple; a few chosen items 
were assigned to those close to her but the rest was left to Bobby. If 
she hadn’t bequeathed the pen to her dad, he’d give it to him anyway.

 

Bobby bunched the papers on her desk together and put them aside 
for Lucy to file away the next day. He opened the top drawer and saw 
stationary. He reached in and took the key that he knew was behind 
the hole punch and with it opened the bottom drawer. The gun was 
cold and surprisingly heavy in his hand and the characteristic smell 
wafted into his awareness. Grimacing he placed it carefully on. He’d 
never been a fan of guns; they were a symbol of death and fear and he 
wanted to have nothing to do with them. Also in the bottom drawer 
were her more personal belongings. Important documents such as her 
birth certificate and passport. He placed them too on the desk and 
closed the empty drawer, locking it again carefully and replacing the 
key. He finally opened the middle drawer and glanced at the jumble of 
more stationary before closing it again. 

 

The job was done. 

 

He collected his briefcase from his office and carefully stored all her 
belongings inside. He was staring at Lindsay’s bare desk when Jimmy 
walked in the door and did a double take. His face revealed his desire 
to go back in time, to a time where he could decide to go straight 
home from the courthouse rather than stop off at the office. He 
hesitated, “Hi Bobby...how you doin?”

Bobby gaze was still unwaveringly focussed on Lindsay’s desk.

“I just need to pick up some things...” Jimmy announced before edging 
towards his desk. He hastily shoved files into his briefcase before 
heading towards the door again. He had almost made his escape when 
Bobby found his voice.

“Jimmy?”

The footsteps stopped, “Yeah?”

“Can you get rid of this?”

Bobby held the gun out to him.

Jimmy looked at it, shocked. He stretched out an arm and took it from 
Bobby with two fingers. “Uh....sure.” How do you dispose of a gun? 
He wondered. 

“Thanks.” Bobby clicked his briefcase shut and walked out the door, 
leaving Jimmy standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

 

Bobby waited for the elevator, his briefcase tugging at his arm, heavy 
with memories. As he emerged into the cold winter night he knew he 
couldn’t go home and wallow in misery. He needed to keep his mind 
active for as long as possible. He drove to the harbour and sat in his 
car, heater blasting warmth into his face.

 

She had woken him at 4 am on their wedding “night” and pulled him 
out of the warm cocoon that was their bed.

“Let’s go,” she urged him, eyes dancing.

“Go where?” he moaned.

“Come on Bobby,” she whined. “I want to go somewhere.”

He stared blearily at the clock. “It’s four in the morning!” he replied 
with new outrage.

She giggled, “I know.”

“Lindsay, you’ve never been a morning person. Why change that now 
that we’re married?”

“You never used to whine like this. Why start now that we’re 
married?” she countered, ready for the argument.

He groaned again and dressed in the clothes she threw at him. She 
picked up his keys and threw them at him, “Let’s go.”

He had followed her directions to the harbour. “Here?” he asked 
incredulously.

“It’s our honeymoon.”

He rubbed his temples, “Do you always make so little sense at this 
time of the morning?”

She rolled her eyes and replied in an exasperated voice. “It’s our 
honeymoon Bobby. Everybody goes to the beach for their 
honeymoon.”

“I’m cold,” he replied.

She took his arm and dragged him to the end of the pier. The sun was 
beginning to send rays of light up into the sky. She leaned against him 
for warmth as they watched the sun rise on the rest of their lives.

“See, isn’t it beautiful?” she sighed when the sun had risen.

Bobby looked down at her beautiful face, glowing not only from the 
pink early morning light, but from within. “Yeah it is.”

 

Bobby drew his eyes away from the pier, tears falling onto the steering 
wheel. If he had known their life together was to be so short he would 
have allowed her to drag him out here every morning.

 

The full moon peeked through the clouds, its glow reflecting off the 
turbulent water. He watched waves hurl themselves relentlessly at the 
pier, returning over and over again for punishment. He felt like that 
water, under the whim of an unseen force. He switched off the engine 
and felt the cold seep through his clothes to his skin. Slowly he 
stepped out of the car and walked to a bench by the water’s edge. A 
gull soared past his face, so close Bobby could feel the beating air 
from its wings whisper across his face. 

 

He knew what he had to do.

 

His hand slid automatically into his pocket and pulled out the small 
velvet box. It opened with a click, revealing the shining platinum inside. 
He removed the simple ring, turning it in his hands, feeling the smooth 
chill of the metal. His finger brushed across a rough edge and he 
angled it towards the moonlight. In the dim light he could make out the 
word. 

 

Eternity.

 

His limbs moved before his mind was consciously aware and took him 
to the waters edge. He rotated the ring around in his fingers before 
lifting his arm and pitching it out into the dark, angry sea. He saw it 
glimmer as it twisted through the moonlight before it disappeared out 
of sight. He stared out to sea, eyes focussed into the distance on the 
invisible horizon. “I love you.”

 

***

 

One week later...

 

Looking back, Bobby could hardly remember the funeral. It had been 
a rare sunny day and Bobby had decided that Lindsay must be making 
quite an impression in Heaven to arrange such amazing weather. By 
arrangement with the other members of the firm Rebecca turned up on 
his doorstep, ready to offer any support he required as he got ready 
for the day. 

 

They had turned up to a church that was overflowing with people. 
Bobby had never seen most of them before. Or maybe he didn’t 
recognize them in their sombre colours. Then again Lindsay had 
wanted to invite 390 people to their wedding, so it was quite possible 
that he had never met a lot of these people. He had conversed with 
them as he made his slow way through the crowd and into the church, 
but he couldn’t recall anything that he had said or who he had said it 
to. He had faced the day with a freshly built wall around him and he 
refused to let anything touch him. 

 

Until he saw the coffin.

 

The walls crumbled away as though made of sand. This was it. The 
final goodbye. He had stood in the entrance to the church, staring 
down the aisle at the coffin, immune to the conversations around him. 
Rebecca stood next to him, also moved beyond words. Finally she 
tugged on his sleeve and led him to the front of the church.

 

The service had been short. Rebecca had stood to make her eulogy 
but was stopped by the sight of Bobby standing and making his way 
up the creaking steps to the pulpit.

 

The silence that descended on the crowd was so complete that it 
vibrated in the air. No more were people reaching for tissues or 
moving in their seats. They waited.

 

Bobby stared at the coffin for so long, the crowd grew restless and 
anxious. Those who knew him best were terrified. Bobby had barely 
strung two words together since Lindsay had died and now he was 
facing a crowd of hundreds. Rebecca stood next to him and was 
almost moved to helping him back to his seat when he cleared his 
throat.

 

In a voice that was steady and controlled and took an enormous 
amount of courage he spoke.

 

“Lindsay...my wife...was...Lindsay once said to me that she didn’t just 
want to be known as a person who got people acquittals...she was so 
much more than that to me and I hope she always knew that. I want to 
thank each and every one of you for coming here today and confirming 
for her that you knew that too.”

 

He sat down, his heartbeat drowned out the sudden bursts of sobbing 
throughout the church.  

 

***

 

One Month Later...

 

Rebecca and Jimmy looked up curiously as Ellenor and Bobby 
stomped into the office. Bobby continued into his office, slamming the 
door behind him. Eugene rubbed his eyes tiredly. Bobby had 
immersed himself in work over the previous month, pushing himself to 
the brink of exhaustion. Eugene knew that he was coping with things in 
his own way but the pressure he was putting on himself was echoed 
with more pressure on everybody else. 

 

The whole office reverberated with negative energy as everybody 
tiptoed around Bobby, attempting to meet his unreasonable demands. 
Taking the attempted murder case with Ellenor had been a huge 
mistake but no one could talk him out of it. His commitment to work 
would have been admirable if his mind was occupied on work, but it 
wasn’t.

 

 Eugene sighed again, "I'll talk to him."

“No. I’ll go,” Rebecca replied. She opened the door and walked in 
solemnly. Bobby was staring out the window. She walked to him and 
laid her hand on his shoulder.

"You are not going through this alone, Bobby. We all lost one of our 
best friends and we are all suffering through that." Rebecca felt tears 
prick her eyes.

"You think you know what I'm going through?" he whispered.

"No. I don’t. But we loved her too. And we want to be able to talk 
about her, about the times we had. We want you to be able to talk 
about her with us. We need you to."

"I can't, Bec...nobody I talk to will understand."

"There is someone who understands."

She had his attention, "Who?" 

"Your father."

 

His silence was deafening.

 

“Bobby, there’s something here for you,” Lucy interrupted timidly

“What?”

“A letter from John Pryor.”

Bobby ran a hand through his hair. John Pryor was Lindsay’s probate 
attorney. He didn’t need this now. Lucy passed over the pale envelope 
with Bobby’s name typed on the front. He took it numbly.

 

As soon as Lucy was gone Rebecca returned her attention to Bobby, 
“Talk to your father-”

 

Bobby stared at the envelope. He didn't dare open it in the office and 
searched his brain for a suitable spot. “I have to go,” Bobby 
interrupted abruptly, leaving the room without another word.

 

Grabbing his coat he swept out of the office, "I'm going out," he 
announced

"Where?" Lucy asked curiously

"You’ve been telling me to leave for months. So I’m going! " he 
snapped.

Rebecca sent Lucy a warning glare. "Okay," Lucy replied meekly.

 

Bobby didn't notice anything on the ride to the cemetery. He could 
almost feel the heat pulsate from the envelope that was in his pocket 
but refused to think about it for fear of losing complete control of his 
emotions. Once he arrived, he walked blindly to the simple grave and 
stopped. It was the first time he had visited it since the funeral and he 
was suddenly overcome with grief. All of the emotions that he had 
dammed up inside burst free and he sat on the damp ground, awash 
with despair. Someone had placed flowers on the gravestone and he 
recognised Rebecca's handwriting on the card attached. He felt angry 
that she had gone there without telling him and then angry and guilty 
with himself for staying away for so long. He stared at her name for 
what seemed like hours. 

 

Lindsay Suzanne Donnell.

 

He remembered the envelope in his pocket and pulled it out. With 
shaking hands, he tore it open and looked at the pages. Her familiar 
handwriting caused another wave of grief and his tears fell onto the 
grave, disappearing into the snow. With a pounding heart he began to 
read.

 

My darling Bobby,

 

Who would have thought that I'd be writing a letter like this? I am just 
as surprised to be writing it, as you probably are to be reading it. Not 
that I assumed that I would live for eternity, but an early death was not 
an idea I gave much thought to. In fact, I have no idea what people 
usually write in these letters anyway. So bear with me through this, it is 
my first attempt.

 

Bobby smiled half-heartedly. She always was a perfectionist.

 

I have been in treatment for two months now, and we just received the 
news that the cancer has spread. Every day through that treatment, I 
witnessed the fear in your eyes. Watching the disease take its toll on 
you is as painful to me as the cancer. Cancer. I hate that word. It is the 
epitome of everything despicable. Some days I hate this disease so 
much that I feel like giving up. But then I look at you and know that I 
will fight it until either I overcome it, or it overcomes me. And sadly, 
the latter seems more and more likely. And I am so angry, and so 
scared.

 

I wish every minute of every day that circumstances could have been 
different. I wanted children. I wanted a house with a big garden. I 
wanted to have you lying next to me every night for the rest of our 
lives. You told me when you proposed that you wanted to grow old 
with me and I always believed that we would. I know you wanted all 
this too and I am so sad and angry that I am bringing so much pain into 
your life. You have lost so much already that I can't bear to do this to 
you again. I already see the fear and pain in your eyes and I can’t bear 
to think about how you look now. It tears me apart to do this to you. 
But you and I are forever Bobby. Eternity. Isn’t that what you always 
whispered in my ear when you thought I was asleep? Our love will 
never die. 

 

And you will carry on. I know you will. I can almost see you now – 
you have just worked a twenty-hour day, much to the concern of 
Rebecca, Eugene and the others. I bet they think you should be taking 
some time off, but you are too stubborn to take their advice. Am I 
close? You should take their advice, Bobby. You will get through this, 
as much as it hurts, it will get easier and easier every day.

 

I have kept so much of this illness from you in an attempt to shield you 
a little from the pain I was going through. I realise now that my effort 
was futile – I have never been able to hide anything from you! I don't 
want to talk about it at length now, but I think you need to know how 
bad it has become. I used to watch people with terminal diseases and 
they would say that after treatment and the pain of the disease, they 
looked forward to dying. And as much as it frightens me, I am 
beginning to understand exactly what they mean.

 

I also want you to remember that I love you. My short time with you 
was the happiest of my life and I will always treasure it...and we have 
had some amazing times. Who else can boast of being married at 
Fenway Park? My greatest accomplishment, if I may say so myself. 
Not to mention our...how should I say it...turbulent past. We have 
been through so much – and survived it, which says a lot about our 
love for each other. I hope that remembering my love for you will 
make this easier.

 

I will always love you.

 

Lindsay

 

***

 

Mike sat in Helen’s office, concern marring his face. “You okay 
Helen?” he asked worriedly, missing the vibrant woman he knew so 
well.

Helen looked at him blankly, “Uh...yeah...sorry what did you say?”

“I was saying that if we can get Fletcher to talk we should be able to 
get blah blah blah” Helen tuned out. A letter sat on her desk, her name 
typed neatly on its front. She ached to read it and at the same time 
dreaded its contents. Mike stopped talking and sighed, “Helen?”

“Yeah?”

“Should I go?”

Tears pricked Helen’s eyes. “No. Please don’t.”

“D...do you want to...uh...talk?”

Helen raised her blue eyes, shiny with tears, to meet his. She nodded 
slowly. She slid the envelope across to him, “Can you read this for 
me?”

Mike picked it up and examined it curiously. He looked back at 
Helen. “Who’s it from?”

Helen twisted around and looked out the window. It was a gorgeous 
winter’s day outside. Newly fallen snow was freshly white, not yet 
marred by the dirt and smog of the city. The sky was painfully blue and 
weak sunlight was amplified as it reflected off the snow. She watched 
people walk slowly past her building, enjoying the sensation of warmth 
after so many bitterly cold days.

“Helen?” Mike prompted.

She swivelled back to him. “It’s from Lindsay.”

Mike pushed the envelope back across the desk to her. “I think you 
should read it.”

Helen stared at a mark on her desk, concentrating at keeping the tears 
at bay, “I can’t...” she whispered.

“You need to,” he encouraged.

She shook her head, “This has been the worst month in my life...I just 
don’t think I can take any more.”

Mike silently implored her to continue.

“I knew that this would be hard. But...nothing prepared me for 
the...loneliness. I relied on her for everything. Now I have nobody. I’m 
all alone.” She cried into her hands.

Mike reached across the desk and pried a hand from her face and laid 
it on the desk, squeezing it gently. He picked up the letter and placed it 
on her open palm. His actions told her what his words could not.  
“Read it,” he urged.

She looked at it, “I can’t....not here.”

“Where do you want to go?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“I’ll drive you wherever you want.”

“No...I can do it.”

He nodded, accepting her decision. They walked out of her office 
together. Helen felt rejuvenated by their friendship. She was no longer 
alone.

 

***

 

Bobby turned to the next letter.

 

Hey sweetie,

 

Well it’s night time and I can't sleep. I'm in hospital...I feel like I lose a 
little bit of myself whenever I'm here. It's possibly because I am among 
so many other sick people that I become just another patient, another 
number, another statistic. It could also be that the drugs are sending 
my brain to mush. The nurses are lovely, but nothing compares to 
being at home with you. I miss the feel of your arms around me, and 
your warmth is like a drug: I could sleep anywhere as long as I had 
you to hold me. I miss your night sounds and the creak of our bed as 
you move. I hate sleeping without you and I hate hospitals.

 

Although we've shared a lot of exciting moments in hospitals; shall I 
recap?

 

Let's mark and identify the first piece of evidence. Remember when 
Jimmy was shot? And you almost threw that guy out the window. You 
care so much about people...some would say that you care too much, 
but I think it is one of your best qualities. It almost makes your 
pigheadedness worthwhile. Almost. 

 

I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease. Your pigheadedness when I was stabbed 
was worth more than anything to me. You never left me and I will 
always be grateful that you were there when I needed you most. I 
could never have recovered so quickly without you.

 

So this brings us to evidence number two. My stabbing.  When I was 
lying in the office I was certain I would never see you again. I would 
never have known true happiness if I had died then. Someone must 
have liked me enough to give me a second chance. They obviously 
believed in us too. Their reasons for ending our time together will never 
be understood, but I want you to know that I would never have 
changed being stabbed. It brought you to me and even if it was only 
for a short time, every second of our time together was bliss. 

 

And now here I am in this hospital room, under completely different 
conditions. And tonight you are not in your usual chair because I sent 
you home. I wish I hadn’t done that now. I feel like I need someone to 
talk to. And my good friend Pam the nurse took a sick day today so I 
didn’t even have her support.

 

Talking to people has become harder and harder. Everybody pulls on 
a mask when they come in here and pretend that everything in their 
lives is fine. I don't want people to feel as though they should treat me 
carefully. I want at least a semblance of normality in my life. There are 
a few exceptions. Your father is one. I felt like a person after he talked 
to me today, which is high praise, let me tell you.

 

So here is one thing that I'm going to ask you to do. Go and talk to 
your father. You may feel like you're the only man in the world who 
has lost a wife, but you're not. Your father understands and I think he 
wants to talk to you about it as much as you need to hear it. Promise 
me you'll do it, Bobby. I worry about you. 

 

Bobby put the letter down and took a couple of deep breaths. He had 
worried endlessly about worrying her with his fears while she was ill. 
To read now that she had had the same worries about him filled him 
with emotion. He could feel her love burning from the page on which 
she wrote and he was comforted by that. He even felt joyful that he 
had confirmation in his hands that she had loved him as much as he 
loved her. He turned back to the letter...

 

I know you will treat this like a personal attack from God, but there is 
no one to blame for this. Its just one of those things. And I accept that 
now, although this acceptance has been a long journey. I need for you 
to accept it too. And I need you to know that I am grateful for our 
time together and I know we will meet again someday.

 

And now I'm tired. I can’t do anything these days without collapsing 
with exhaustion and I find that so frustrating. I know that time is 
drawing near now. I can feel it. But don't worry; I'm not really afraid of 
"the end" anymore. It is time to smile and remember the good times 
that we have had. Memories are coming back constantly now and the 
nurse's wonder why I am smiling all the time. Thank you for such 
wonderful memories.

 

I love you.

 

Lindsay

 

Bobby covered his face with his hands and took several deep breaths. 
He had one last letter in front of him, but wasn't sure whether he was 
strong enough to cope with it. He was suddenly exhausted – 
emotionally drained and light was starting to fade.  He pocketed the 
letter and after dropping a kiss on the gravestone, made his way back 
to his car. As he reached it, he saw another familiar car pull up. Helen 
got out slowly and on seeing Bobby, gave him a half-hearted wave. 

"Hey," he greeted Helen hoarsely, wiping the residual tears from his 
eyes.

"Hey," she returned dully.

They stood in silence, looking in the direction of Lindsay's grave. 
Helen's voice suddenly interrupted the silence.

 

She was on the verge of tears and her words came out fast, almost 
jumbled, "I got a letter today and I know it should have made me feel 
better, but it didn't...this is the first time I have come here since the 
funeral...and then I get this letter from the probate lawyer and it makes 
me feel worse." She took a deep breath. "But she was my best friend 
and I don't know what to do with myself. I've never had many friends. 
She was the only one who understood me, the only one who accepted 
me for who I was. She was the best friend I could ever wish for and 
now...now she's gone..." she paused again.

 

Bobby nodded.

 

She was crying now "And I hate everybody. Why can’t everybody be 
like her? Why did I have to lose my one true friend? Why...why did 
this have to happen?" she began to cry into her hands. It felt good to 
finally talk about her feelings, but it didn’t stop them from creating new 
wounds as she voiced them. "How are you holding up?" she asked 
suddenly, her voice shaky with emotion.

 

Bobby took a deep breath and shook his head, "Not very well."

Helen pulled him into her arms. "You are the only person who really 
understands," she cried.

They stood there for minutes, both crying and taking comfort in the 
other's understanding embrace.

"Did she write you a letter?" Helen asked finally, pulling away from 
him.

He nodded wordlessly.

"Have you read it?"

"There were three. I've read the first two."

Helen nodded.

She dropped her head, understanding, "I couldn’t read mine either."

"I miss her so much," he whispered.

"Me too," her face crumpled again as though she was going to cry, but 
she took deep breaths to remain calm. "I want to go to her...her 
grave...but I don't think I can do it."

"Of course you can."

"Will you come with me?"

He wanted to say no but saw the desperation in her eyes. He sighed 
and headed back towards the grave, waiting for Helen to find the 
confidence to follow him. He sat down and stared into the distance. 
After several minutes he heard Helen approach and she sat next to 
him. 

 

"Oh my God...I never expected this to be so hard. I mean...I thought 
her death would be the hard part...but that was just the beginning." She 
pulled the letter out of her pocket and stared at it nervously.

 

"Read it," Bobby gently encouraged.

"Can you do it?" she asked.

He shook his head apologetically, "It's for you. And I'm having enough 
trouble coping with my own."

 

She slowly peeled the envelope open and peered at the pages inside. 

 

Hey babe,

 

I'm still kind of new to this letter writing business, but I've practiced a 
couple of times on Bobby so yours should be better. How are you? 
You know, it's odd writing that sentence, knowing that when you read 
it, I'll be gone. But a lot of things have been odd over the past few 
months, so I'll just ignore it for now. I hope you’re winning your cases 
and finding fabulous men to date. I would be sad if you weren’t Helen, 
you can’t let me stop you from living life.

 

Isn't it funny how all your friends, acquaintances, family and colleagues 
come out of the woodwork when you get sick? I never realised how 
many people I knew until now. The other day I was shopping with 
Bobby and this guy walked up to me and said, "Hey Lindsay, I am so 
sorry about your illness." The strange thing is I had no idea who he 
was. No idea at all. We had a brief conversation where I wracked my 
brain to put a name to the face, but I still don't know who he is. Bobby 
and I laughed about it later, actually I think he was a little jealous at 
first, which is just ridiculous. But that’s Bobby. And I love him for it.  

 

But this letter isn't supposed to be about me. This is all about you. And 
to help you get through life without me, I have some guidelines for you 
to follow.

 

1) Don't sleep with a man on the first date. I just want to make this one 
really clear. In fact it bears repeating.

 

2) Don't sleep with a man on the first date. I want you to remember 
this every time someone asks you out. You know that a relationship 
will never work if it is based purely on sex. Relationships should be 
based on honesty, communication and compromise. If he gets sex on 
the first date, the communication is out the window. Wait at least until 
the third date or even later if you can manage. Yeah, yeah I can hear 
you shriek “third date?” but restrain yourself okay?

 

3) If you're sad, my recipe for Lindsay Dole’s Divine Chocolate Chip 
Fudge Cookies is included with this letter. Remember t = teaspoon, T 
= Tablespoon. Don't mix them up like you did last time...I have never 
eaten anything so disgusting in my life (and that includes the time when 
Bobby tried to make duck l'orange...ewwwwww...and if you tell him I 
said that, I'll haunt you for the rest of your life).

 

Bobby watched quietly, seeing Helen’s expression change from 
sadness to pleasure. After a few minutes, she even giggled, eyeing 
Bobby smugly.

"What?" he asked curiously.

"Nothing," she replied innocently. Helen turned back to the letter...

 

 

4) If you're angry, go to the gym. Not to exercise, but to check out the 
guys. Remember how we used to do that? That gym membership was 
worth every cent. If that fails, there is always the option of faking an 
injury and going to the ER. There seemed to be a never-ending stream 
of cute doctors there and I know a date with a doctor would make 
your day. You probably shouldn't tell Bobby that I said that either.

 

5) If you're happy...well I don't have any anecdotes for that. Be 
spontaneous. No...wait, with you spontaneity could be dangerous. I 
love that side to you, and although Bobby isn’t too fond of it 
(remember when you hid in our bedroom and surprised him with the 
announcement that we were having a threesome? I’ve never seen him 
go so pale). Your spontaneity has given us a lot of laughs. So if you're 
happy, try to stay that way for as long as you can. Believe me, every 
moment is precious and the happy ones are a treasure.

 

6) If you're excited, stand still until the moment passes. Don't jump up 
and down or shriek or grab hold of fragile objects (like my 
grandmother's antique vase...) just sit still.

 

7) If you're in love, there are two options. BUT if you are considering 
(A), then this is not the right relationship for you.

(a) Ask yourself...do I really want to see this man in incontinence 
nappies in fifty years time? Or...

(b) Go with the feeling. Take hold of it and never let go, give him every 
cell in your body and love him forever. Trust me, I’ve used this method 
and it works.

 

8) Don't sing in public. Oh okay, you can, but just make sure there’s 
no one around when you do. Oh and for Gods sake no breakdancing 
under any circumstances. Let me remind you that you had a headache 
for about a month afterwards. 

 

9) If you're depressed, talk to someone. Ellenor, Rebecca, Bobby, 
Richard. Anybody. Don't suffer alone. And DON’T go shoe shopping. 
You earn a public servant’s salary – you can’t afford them. Plus you 
have about a million pairs already.

 

10) If you’re ever unsure of anything go with your heart – you have a 
wonderful, generous, caring one and it is rarely wrong. You always 
knew how to cheer me up, even when you were struggling with your 
job and coming to terms with mine. I remember once teasing you that 
you had the “queen bitch killer bee” image. Well that image couldn’t 
be further from the truth. Sure you’re a determined woman, but you 
are the most compassionate person underneath. You know what’s 
right, Helen. Don’t let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

 

I have one other thing to say...and I’m not sure how you’ll take it so 
it’s a good thing I’m not there! (sorry black humour...probably not 
something you want to read right now). Okay...here goes I know there 
is someone who can help you through this. You once told me that if I 
loved Bobby I should be a woman about it, forget everything else and 
go for him. If it hadn’t been for you, we may never have admitted our 
feelings for each other and for that you get our eternal gratitude. Now I 
want to return the favour.

 

I know someone who has cared for you for a long time. I see the way 
he looks at you and I see the way he softens when he talks to you. I 
also see the way you look at him, so dammit Helen, be a woman about 
it and call him! You know who I’m talking about. If you don’t 
know...maybe I should just say his name. Mike. Don’t kill me for 
this...oh...too late. Oops there’s that black humour again! I know 
you’re hurting right now, and you’re shutting everybody out...but he 
can help you. Call him!

 

One final thing...please look after Bobby. Show him what it means to 
be alive and loved again. Help him to live through this. Tell him that if 
he doesn’t he’ll be begging for mercy when I see him again. I know he 
can help you through this and you can do the same for him.

 

You are an amazing person, Helen. An incredible, beautiful, giving 
person. I love you so much...you were a better friend than I deserved. 
Thank you for making my life so much brighter.

 

Lindsay

 

Helen looked up with an expression of amazement, "She's incredible," 
she said simply.

Bobby nodded his agreement.

"I mean...I came here feeling like crap and she has actually made me 
feel better," Helen continued.

"I miss her," Bobby mumbled. "People expect me to just get over 
it...but I can't. I never will."

Helen stared into space before saying, "She was so giving...this letter is 
proof of that. She was in so much pain and all that she can think about 
is making us feel better."

Bobby bit his lip, "I don't want to ever let go of her. Rebecca offered 
to help me sort through Lindsay’s things...I just can’t face it."

"I wonder who else she wrote letters to." Helen mused.

"I need to feel as though she is still with me. If I didn’t have her things 
I’d only have her love to remember her by."

"God I'm going to miss her." Helen ended.

"I will never stop loving her."

They looked at each other as if they had just realised the other had 
been talking. "It's getting dark...I'm going home," Bobby announced, 
stiffly getting to his feet.

"Yeah...me too. Thanks for coming with me." Her tone was polite.

He nodded silently.

They walked back to their cars and with a hurried wave drove off in 
opposite directions. Bobby went straight to his bedroom when he got 
home and lay on the bed. He opened the envelope and removed the 
final letter with anticipation.

 

Dear Bobby,

 

Well here I am. The nurse gave me a pen and paper so I could write 
and as you know, I love to write. But I feel like I have said everything 
in the previous letters, so let this be my final goodbye. There are things 
that I haven’t been able to tell you, the fear of hurting you overrides my 
desire to share my innermost feelings. So consider this my closing 
argument. I was always good at closings. And you know how I love to 
have the last word. 

 

I have been thinking a lot about our short time together and I realise 
now how precious our time was. I was so happy with you, happier 
than I have ever been in my life and I am so grateful that I was given a 
chance to experience it. I prefer having spent a short time with you 
than not at all, so for that I am thankful. To love and be hurt is better 
than not to have loved at all. It is so true. I'm not trying to say that I am 
glad to be dying, but there is a sense of satisfaction in having lived a 
happy life. In fact, I have very few regrets. 

 

One of them is that we had no children. I often feel bad for leaving you 
with nothing to remember me by. But perhaps it is for the best. The 
pain you went through with your mother's death is something I would 
prefer not to put a child through. But in the future I want you to be 
happy and I want you to do whatever it takes to find that happiness. I 
want you to experience fatherhood. I want you to teach your children 
your evil chocolate hoarding methods and how to play baseball. I want 
you to threaten bodily harm to your daughter’s boyfriends and 
eventually walk said daughter down the aisle and hand her over to one 
of those boyfriends. I want you to be the proud father of the star 
quarterback on the high school football team. I want you to be happy. 
Please promise me you’ll be happy.

 

Another regret is that I spent so much of my life working. I worked 
hard in school to be an A student, I worked hard in college to become 
a lawyer, I worked hard at the firm. I often wonder what life would 
have been like if I had lightened up a little and had more fun. Perhaps I 
would have become an artist rather than a lawyer...who knows. But if 
I hadn't become a lawyer, I may never have met you and that is one 
thing that I would not change in my life. 

 

I am so worried about you. I worry that you will throw yourself into 
your work and not look up until you're sixty...and alone. Nothing 
frightens me more than the thought of you growing old alone. I've been 
reduced to begging. Please, Bobby. Allow yourself to love again. I 
want you to find her and love her with all your heart. 

 

I love you so much Bobby, leaving you is the hardest thing that I will 
ever do. I'll see you again one day...and we can continue what was 
stopped so abruptly. Until then, you can always talk to me...I'll be 
watching over you, loving you, wanting so much to be with you again.

 

I love you,

 

Lindsay

 

***

 

There was a knock on the door and Bobby awoke with a start. His 
hand still clutched the final letter. He looked bleary eyed at the glowing 
green digits of his alarm clock and groaned. It was only 8pm. He 
padded wearily to the front door and looked through the peephole. He 
clicked back the locks and swung open the door.

“Dad...” he cleared his throat. “What are you...?”

Stephen walked into the apartment. He held a piece of folded paper in 
his hand. “I...uh...got this today.”

Bobby followed him into the living room and sat down facing his 
father. Stephen chose to sit on one end of the sofa, both 
subconsciously leaving Lindsay’s favourite armchair free

Stephen stared awkwardly at the coffee table; eyes on a book that he 
knew belonged to Lindsay. He knew that for Bobby, complete 
removal of all Lindsay’s belongings was much more painful than seeing 
them constantly. Stephen understood this reaction well.

“She said in this letter...” Stephen paused. “I guess it doesn’t matter 
what she said...I just...” he stopped again. Stephen’s next words were 
soft and painfully spoken, “I know what you’re going through....I 
know...”

Bobby squeezed his eyes shut. He had longed for this moment since 
walking out of his mother’s hospital room, the terrible deed of 
switching off her life support completed. “I know you do, Dad,” his 
voice cracked.

“I just want you to know...I’m here for you.”

Bobby felt an enormous weight lift from his shoulders. Although he still 
carried the burden of losing Lindsay, he now had the strength of two 
men. He looked at a photo of Lindsay on the mantle, caught in a 
giggling moment with Helen. ‘You’re an incredible, beautiful woman’ 
he thought ‘you’ve done what nobody else has been able to do’. He 
turned his attention to his father, “Do you want a drink?” He picked up 
the book that had remained on the coffee table since Lindsay’s death 
and placed it back in the bookshelf behind Stephen.

 

***

 

The next day...

 

Bobby stood up in court and buttoned his jacket. He faced the jury. 
They stared back at him curiously. Who was this man? They 
wondered. What had he done with the bitter man who had been sitting 
next to the defendant for the last week? They watched with mouths 
hanging open as Bobby delivered the closing argument of his life.

 

He waited with the defendant and a stunned Ellenor as the jury came 
back with a verdict.

“We find the defendant Matthew Granger...not guilty.”

 

The losing streak was over.

 

***

 

The young woman looked at the newspaper with tears in her eyes. She 
cleared her throat and began to read it to her mother...

 

“Respected attorney, Robert G Donnell died peacefully in his sleep last 
week with friends and family close by. Known for his brazen tactics in 
the courtroom and later as a captivating guest professor at both 
Harvard and Boston University, he will be sorely missed by the law 
community. Robert, known to most as Bobby, was not only a 
passionate attorney, but also gave time to charities. He was 
co-founder of the Lindsay Dole Memorial Trust, a foundation set up in 
honor of his late wife’s name, devoted to helping families cope with 
losing loved ones to cancer. He lost his mother to breast cancer as a 
teenager and his wife, attorney Lindsay Dole-Donnell, to ovarian 
cancer 40 years ago and has since given much of his time and money 
to this cause. He will be dearly missed by all that knew him.”

 

Helen felt tears flowing freely down her wrinkled cheeks, as her 
daughter, Suzanne read out the obituary. 

Suzanne put the newspaper down. “I often wondered if Bobby was 
lonely.”

Helen squeezed her hand, “I did too.”

Suzanne paused thoughtfully for a second, “I asked him once...but he 
ruffled my hair...you know how he used to always do that especially 
after I spent hours styling it....and he said, ‘Susie, I have my work, my 
family, lots of friends and incredible memories. How could I be 
lonely?’” She wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m going to miss him.”

Helen smiled through her tears. She knew that Bobby was in a good 
place. “Bye Bobby. Home with Lindsay at last.”

 

THE END