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Lincoln Live Music: Who are you guys? What are we doing in this alley?
Dirty D: Well, Brad keeps touching my ass and wants cheap sex. I told him $20, but it wasn't cheap enough for him.
Jon: That's so good.
Brad: So, we're One Punch Homicide, and we're all from Lincoln, except Jon, he's from Norfolk.
Dirty D: I'm not from Lincoln.
Scott: I'm from Chicago!
Jon: (to Brad) What are you talking about, you're the only one not from Norfolk.
Dirty D: I'm from Guatemala.
Scott: Drums...Argentina.
LLM: How many songs do you have written or recorded?
Scott: We're not really studio friendly, but we might someday.
Jon: I hate studios.
Dirty D: Scott charges too much.
Scott: I charge way too much, even if they're my friends.
Dirty D: He wants sex, sex for CDs.
Scott: It's a fair deal.
Brad: See deez nutz.
LLM: So, you guys always play short sets, do you know any more songs?
Scott: We know a lot of Skynyrd, but we choose not to play that.
Dirty D: I know some Alabama.
Brad: Creed.
Scott: (singing his favorite Creed tune) "Can you take me higher?"
Brad: We play anything except the Clash. We fucking hate the Clash.
Scott: Fuck the Clash.
Dirty D: I love the Clash.
Jon: Dude, I crashed my car once...oh...you said Clash.
Brad: We don't get to practice very often, because our bass player went crazy, and they only let him out on Fridays.
Dirty D: Today's Thursday though. How did you get out Jon, today's Thursday.
Jon: I escaped.
Dirty D: Are they looking for you?
Jon: I'm AWOL.
Brad: Jon doesn't headbang much because he's heavily sedated.
Dirty D: And he concentrates on his hair too much.
LLM: Do you have any merchandise available soon?
Brad: We're going to wait until we record.
Dirty D: It's $5 to grab Brad's ass.
Scott: That's our merchandise, we're making a killing on it.
Dirty D: We're trying to move the merchandise out.
Scott: Last show we made $200 just on Brad's ass. Brad...AKA Utah...AKA Keanu.
LLM: What's the official One Punch Homicide beverage?
Dirty D: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Jon: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Scott: Pabst Blue Ribbon, fuck that Heineken shit.
Brad: Fuck Heineken.
LLM: What do you do when you're not playing in the band?
Brad: I play in other bands, and I take a lot of showers.
Dirty D: I take lots of shits.
Brad: Yeah, he takes coke shits.
Scott: I sit in my apartment by myself following the roaches around.
Dirty D: Jon told us he had spastic diarrhea, or some shit.
Jon: Man, don't print that shit. I do nothing. I sleep, drink beer, that's pretty much it.
Dirty D: I like to scratch my balls.
LLM: What bands influenced the One Punch Homicide sound?
Scott: Barry Manilow.
Dirty D: Jesus Christ Superstar.
Jon: This is a serious interview guys, seriously.
Dirty D: I always come up with songs when I'm scratching my balls.
Jon: I believe in God. He's my only influence. He leads me.
Brad: And that's why Jon's locked up at the Center. Classic self loather.
Scott: He hears voices.
LLM: Do you have plans for a tour soon?
Scott: We're going to do an East coast tour in mid-October.
LLM: With Moby?
Brad: Is it Moby?
Scott: Then we're going to shoot off to the West coast in November with Danzig. It's going to be a big show.
Dirty D: I thought it was J-Lo.
Brad: No, J-Lo isn't touring with us this time.
Scott: No, Danzig wouldn't have it.
Jon: J-Lo stiffed me last time, I was like, "hey you bitch..."
LLM: She gave you a stiffy last time?
(everyone): Yeah
Brad: Our band motto is: We hate those kids that wear women's pants and act emo.
Dirty D: I love the faux mawk.
Brad: At practice, we just talk about it for hours and we don't even play because we talk about how much we hate kids that wear girls pants and act emo.
LLM: Girls pants...like spandex?
(everyone): ooh...
LLM: (to Brad) Oh, by the way, nice bangs!!!
(everyone laughs)
Scott: Brad's got fucking nice bangs!!!
LLM: Any parting words for all of your fans?
Scott: Well, for the five fans that we do know...no, no parting words.
Brad: We want to thank Barry because he's really cool, he's the coolest guy, and he's into great music, and he's a really cute guy, and like, any girl that's single, and is into like hardcore and metal scene, should totally give Barry a call.
Scott: I'd like to thank midgets in general.
Dirty D: I'd actually like to thank all of the bands that keep inviting us to play with them.
Jon: My dick is huge.
LLM: That's a good one.
Brad: Is this cashed?
LLM: We're officially cashed.
Brad: Sweet.