If I Ever Become An Evil Anime Overlord...

by joudama, Irina Ruden, Scott Iskow, and Amanda-chan

            One day, j-chan was bored. J-chan then read the "If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord" list, and wondered what the rules would be for anime. Then j-chan sent it to friends and had them add to the list. tee hee hee!
            So, scary j-chan-on-crack moment over, let's get to the list!

1. I will not indulge in manic, high-pitch laughter. While I am in throes of such laughter, my enemy will inevitably do or say something to cut my laughter short in the end. And that never bodes well for me, does it?

2. If I wear dramatic make-up, I will not close my eyes while explain to my captive why I adorn my face with such garish colors. Or if I do, I will make sure they are tied up first.

3. Any and all SDs will be killed on sight.

4. I will arm all my troops with machine guns, so that the amazing sword-wielding samurai will be shot down no matter how much he twirls his sword around. It's mighty tough to dodge a couple hundred rounds a second.

5. I will not employ only troops with small eyes, deformed faces, and no eyebrows. There are plenty of attractive people out there willing to be evil, and attractive evil troops will confuse my enemies.

6. All mechs that I do not own will be confiscated and melted down.

7. I will inform my legions of animated terror that they are not to attempt to rape the brainless enemy woman. It inevitably brings out the ones who have sworn to protect her.

8. Before I send anyone to fight my nemesis one-on-one, I will make sure that they have had sufficient psychological counseling so that my enemy, with his amazing skills at psychoanalysis, can't talk my fighter into realizing he is misguided, is himself a good person at heart, and should turn against me or kill himself.

9. All tall, brooding, long-haired men will be summarily shot.

10. Any brainless, clumsy girls with strange hairstyles and large appetites will be summarily shot.

11. All florist shops will be secretly bombed in the middle of the night.

12. If I kill off the family of the one standing in my way to absolute power, I will make sure I kill all of them.

13. If I randomly kill people for fun, or to take the fall for me as I rise to power, I will make sure I kill off all of their family. I will not leave alive a single child who will grow up with my face emblazoned forever in their memory. The same goes for if I kill someone's S.O. I'll just off them both. I'm a bad-ass like that.

14. When the sleeping soul of the ancient warrior inside me awakens, and I realize my student is the sleeping soul of my enemy, but hasn't awakened yet, I will not wait for him to awaken and then try to convince him to join my side. I'll kill him while I still have the element of surprise.

15. I will not secretly orchestrate the murder of the sister of my prize pupil so that he will have revenge to drive him towards achieving greatness in his martial arts. It's just not a good idea for my long-time survival. It's just not.

16. If I ever need to kill off the powerful onmyouji who is in love with me, I will make sure I kill *him*, not his twin sister.

17. I will make sure that the terrible calamity that has befallen me to make me evil actually happened. No good in becoming evil and then finding out I was wrong and should now atone.

18. I will not develop an inexplicable yaoi/yuri lust for my enemy. There are plenty of other bish out there for me to set my sights on.

19. I will not sadistically play with my former friend/new nemesis when I awaken into the Dark Me and he's still in shock over my transformation. I will just kill him right then while his jaw is hanging open. No need to wait for the Promised Day if I can do it now.

20. When in battle, shoot the odd looking teenage girls first.

21. If my nemesis is a giant robot, I will round up all psychologically disturbed kids and have them shot.

22. My invisible soldiers will not waste precious seconds wondering what the hero is doing. Chances are the hero is using some elaborate method of detecting them. Just shoot the guy.

23. If I am in search of someone with a formidable reputation, I will not gawk in disbelief if the person I find is a staggering klutz. I will instead shoot the guy.

24. If someone comes after me with a sword, I will not pull out my own sword of other close-contact weapon. Instead, I pull out my gun and shoot him.

25. I will not send in legions of soldiers and/or giant robots against a single soldier and/or giant robot that has already killed legions of soldiers and/or giant robots. Nor will I melt down all of my giant robots to construct one really big giant robot that will squish that single soldier/robot like a bug. I will instead target him with a nuclear missile and blow him out of existence.

26. When two of my enemies have a misunderstanding and start to fight one another, I will not stand by and watch as if it is entertainment. Instead, I will take advantage of their momentary lapse of judgment and kill them both.

27. I will not alter Fate. It really doesn't help.

28. I will not surround myself with busty women when I am supposed to be forming a strategy.

29. If I am a busty woman, I will not wear clothing that looks as though certain parts of my anatomy will pop out at any moment. My mind is supposed to be on conquering the world and consolidating my power base, not keeping my boobs in place.

30. I will not capture the sister of my enemy and turn her into a bloodthirsty, psychopathic man. It's never a good idea, even on paper.

31. I will not repair my enemy's demolished mech and invite him to a rematch.

32. I will not fight a mech that is listening to classical music. Chances are they've got a whole routine planned out. I would not survive that kind of preparation.

33. I'll be a lone fighter instead of the maniacally laughing Overlord of an army of dumb & deformed evil minions because:
            a) Devious lone villains are much harder to kill.
            b) They have better clothes.
            c) They get all the good lines.
            d) They get to vacillate back and forth between good & evil.
            e) When female, they have gravity defying cleavage and really cool boots. I don't care much about the cleavage (it would probably throw me off balance) but I'd kill to own the shoes.

34. Instead of patiently waiting for the hero/ine to finish their long-winded speech about how I am evil and will be punished (ex: Ai to no seigi no sailorfuku no bishoujo senshi Sailormoon! Tsuki ni kawatte, Oshikyo!) I let them start talking, and shoot them in the middle of it.
            Corollary A: If the hero begins to name his or her attack (ex: Moon Gorgeous Meditation! Shiny Aqua Illusion! Pink Sugar Heart Attack! Dragon Slave! Mono Bolt!), I'll strike *before* they finish speaking.
            Corollary B: If the hero/ine needs to transform in order to do battle, I'll shoot during the protracted transformation sequence. My opponent will be dead before the canned music ends.

35. If I ever face the hero/ine in hand-to-hand combat I will refrain from boasting about my prowess, taunting my opponent or naming my attacks before I execute them (see #34, Corollary A).

36. If I ever face a brooding hero who wears a long cape and/or black coat in hand-to-hand combat, my method of attack will be as follows:
            1) Grab edge of cape/coat and pull it over brooding hero's head.
            2) Use hidden knife to stab brooding hero's exposed back.

37. I will remember that even if I have magical fireballs, killer flower-petal cyclones or slavering youma at my disposal, the fastest and most effective means for dispatching an enemy is with a quick shot to the head.

38. After the heroine turns my slavering evil youma to dust, I will not appear and taunt her with the fact that I have bigger, better youma to send after her and her friends. I will appear and shoot the heroine just when she thinks she has won.

39. When facing a diverse group of heroes, always take out the computer geek first. Once deprived of the geek's amazing ability to state the obvious, the rest of the group will be completely lost.

40. Although I have nothing against transvestites, I will never enter into a pact to eliminate my enemies with an effete, cross-dressing male villain. Yes, his ability to disguise himself as the heroine would come in handy, but his giggling would prove endlessly annoying, and his vanity would, undoubtedly, be his undoing.

41. I will NOT kidnap the heroine's boyfriend and brainwash him to be my love slave. Relationships based on brainwashing NEVER work out.

42. Since talking animal compatriots are, invariably, the brains behind any collection of kawaii anime heroes, if I am ever faced with such a group, I'll kill the talking animal instead of wasting my time going after the heroine's friends one by one.

43. If I must hire an assassin, I will hire someone I am certain isn't working for some *other* aspiring evil overlord.

44. I will not send tentacle monsters after helpless young women; all it will do is make people angry, which is bad for PR.

45. I will not inform the heroes/heroines of my plans to become a god until after this has already been accomplished; otherwise, they will fight all the harder to defeat me.

46. I will not wait until my dying breaths to inform my enemies of my horrible backstory so they'll at least understand my rationale. I will inform them of this earlier and use their compassion against them.

47. I will have my own cute sidekick, so the brainless idiots who go up against me will decide I can't be all bad...

48. In the early stages of my way to absolute power, I will not piss off the government; bureaucrats can get in one's way far more effectively than a bunch of heroes.

49. In the early stages of my way to absolute power, I will not piss off the yakuza; yakuza can kill one far more unpleasantly than a bunch of heroes.

50. I will not hire psychotic pyromaniacs who scream out "Die!" or "Burn!" or the hero's name on a regular basis, or any combination thereof. That kind of mental weakness will not be tolerated in my world-conquering armies.

51. But if I do need to hire one, I will make for damn sure that I am not related to the one the psychopath is ranting about. Not even distantly.

52. I will not wear a long, flowing black trenchcoat and sunglasses. It's a dead giveaway that one is an evil schemer.

53. All sakura trees will be burned to the ground. This assures that the Petals Of Death will not follow me around and make it obvious even to me that I'm toast.

54. I will not make plans that culminate in someone making a wish over which I have no direct control.

55. My female sycophants will be properly attired at all times. The last thing I need is the other half of my sycophants getting nosebleeds every other minute.

56. If I am attempting to instigate some kind of major cosmic change, I will make sure I know all the specifics of the way things work presently; there's no real point if the change ends up trapping me in a hell of my own making.

57. I will not attempt to destroy the world on the assumption that its creator wants it that way unless I'm sure I'm right.

58. I will make sure my children are happy. The last thing I need is for them to ruin my perfect plan at the zero hour.

59. If I am an evil immortal stuck in a child's body, I will make sure I powder my cheeks regularly so they have the two spots of pink normal children have.

60. I will not turn my relatives into chimeras or tentacle monsters.

61. I will not turn myself into a tentacle monster. Do you know how hard it is to find sycophants who can understand "Maaaaaamuuuuuoooooorrllllllluuuuuuugggghhhhhhhh..."?!!?

62. I will not try to turn my now peace-loving enemy back into the hitokiri/berserker/mighty warrior he once was so I can fight him as he was back then. And if by some stupid chance I do, if it looks like I'm losing, I will have one of my nearby sycophants shoot him in the back then kill all the hero's stunned comrades. After all, it's the winner who writes the history books.