In July of 1999, I was called by my boss into a meeting with the head of human resources and a personnel representative. I had worked for the company for 14 years, but in 1991, I was first hospitalized and diagnosed with depression. I had three hospital stays that year. In 1992, I was also diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. This was the result of childhood ritual abuse. I had two hospital stays in 1992. In the years following, I had some other hospital stays, but at most only one a year.

Mentally and emotionally, things were getting better for me, but I continued to have minor and major medical problems. I often got colds, flus, nausea, and diarrhea. I frequently broke out in rashes. I developed high blood pressure. I had a bothersome mole removed from the bottom of my foot. I had to have a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy was done in August, 1998. It took me longer than expected to recover, and I didn't make it back to work until January, 1999. I didn't know then that my company was considering letting me go; I really didn't find out until July. In that interim, I struggled to make it to work everyday, to be on time, and to be able to stay at work.

I was completely caught off-guard when I was called in for the meeting. I had worked for 22 years in my profession. I was offered a small severance package and the option to resign rather than be fired. I took it and tried to be gracious. I went back to my desk and packed my belongings in two medium-sized boxes, turned in my keys and ID, and left within the next hour.

In September, 1999, I had the first event that led the neurologist to a finding of possible multiple sclerosis. In appearances, it was like a minor stroke. I was carrying heavy bags of groceries up the stairs in both hands. As I neared the top step, my whole left side went numb, especially my hand. My partner was behind me. She couldn't see anything wrong with me, but I was struggling to get in the apartment with the groceries. I started trying to tell her there was something seriously wrong with me, but my words were slurred, because the left side of my face was numb. She did notice that my face looked funny. The phone rang and I picked it up. It was my younger brother. On the other end of the phone, he sounded very alarmed, "Ann, what is wrong with you? Why are you slurring your speech?" I told him I didn't know and asked him to call back a little later. Upon hanging up, I noticed that not only was my speech slurred, but also there were things for which I couldn't find words. I would look at something and know what it was, but couldn't figure out which word to use. The symptoms subsided in about half an hour. My hand was still numb, but I could speak easily again. At about that time, my father called. He is an internist. My brother had told him about my strange symptoms, and he was concerned. He recommended that I see a neurologist.

The neurologist ran all kinds of tests. Fortunately, I still had my health insurance from work, because I had signed up and paid for COBRA benefits. He found a bunch of plaques on my MRI which shouldn't have been there yet, but no evidence of a minor stroke. My blood pressure was high, though. He told me that a patient must have two "events" to make a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, even with the plaques. My left little finger has remained numb until this day.

Except for the finger, I was relatively symptom-free until January, 2001. At that time, sitting in the bathtub, I suddenly got a blinding, pulsating light in my left eye. I had had migraines before, but never with lights. My head didn't hurt, but I couldn't see. It was nighttime, so I went to Urgent Care. It was diagnosed as a migraine, but I was told to follow up with my internist. She was concerned that it might be another MS event, and she sent me to an ophthalmologist. By the time I got to the eye doctor, I was having more numbness and some shaking in my limbs. But there was nothing wrong with my eyes, other than being near-sighted.

In the months that have ensued, I have continued to have problems on and off with numbness and pain, especially in my feet and legs. I haven't been back to the neurologist yet, because I have no health insurance right now. I had tried working another job with less stress for about four months, but because of my health problems it didn't last. I applied for social security disability in July, 2000, and received it in November. I am not qualified for Medicaid, because my disability income is too high; and I can't get Medicare until after one year.

I am doing all right; taking care of myself as well as possible; and I have many friends who are supportive of me. My partner, Catherine, takes good care of me. This piece was written in memory of my friend, Andy Farr, who died as a result of MS several years ago. He was in his late thirties. I hope it will help people to understand what it means for someone to have a diagnosis of "possible MS." I also hope that it will help people to remember that just because a person doesn't have health insurance, it doesn't mean that they are unworthy. Some of us are just forced out of work at an earlier age due to reasons beyond our control, and some of us never get to work at all. I personally believe that everyone deserves health insurance. Thank you for taking the time to increase your awareness about multiple sclerosis.