[For reasons unknown to sane and decent people, TISM bassist Jock Cheese has released an album of songs written by himself and RHB/HBF. He plays most instruments except drums. Any women who have had the unalloyed joy of dating a Musician will already be twitching in anticipative horror, but here's what the TISM craplist had to say about it...]

--- In [email protected], "batwing59au" wrote:
Back to guitar and drums.Normal melodic tunes that is very different to TISM ,more mainstream. Cover is Jock in TISM mask holding a slice of swiss cheese with Groucho Marx novelty glasses on the cheese. Lyrics are written by RHB/HBF&JC.
Big Al

To: [email protected]
From: "kentuckyfreud1"
Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2003
Subject: [thecraplist] Re: jock cheese platter
I've just been listening to this at work. About halfway through.
It's like M.O.R.
It's like the Eagles or something.
TISM on valium.

What's that latin phrase for 'buyer beware'?
Tristan

From: "Owen Brown"
To: [email protected]
Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2003
Subject: tism: Platter

I bought the album on Friday from Rocking Horse in Brisbane.

Cheese is a very talented musician. I think this sort of music would have been better if integrated into a TISM release just for diversities sake and it'd give the band far more credibility. This mellow rock style isn't what floats my boat but the TISM singing and lyrics makes it good for me. My favorite is "Don't burn 'em all JD" but all of the other songs are really good. The closing choruses seem to be drawn out much longer than need be... I think I'll say what I think about each track.

Up There Calisi - A nice opener, kind of like "Give up for Australia"
Don't Burn 'Em All JD - The catchiest song and best sounding, I know not what it means, however.
La Traviata - The most TISM-like song on the album
Totally Addcted To Skase - The music is fantastic but the lyrics aren't as good, this song is much better than I ever imagined and the riff at the end is a beauty.
I done it with my Drama teacher - Fucked if I know how to take this song but it does sound nice.
Dave Grainey's COuntry Idyll - I don't fancy the music but the lyrics ring true
"Why don't you get a bigger set of tits" - A lovely love song, could have done better without the girls name and the shakespearean prose.
Friday Night Shakespeare - One of the highlights, a great track.
Unfair - charming lyrics and a nice catchy tune.
O Great Rabbit in the sky - I don't get this song and I don't care much for it.
Piss in my pocket - Could have been better
You guarantee fame with two first names - a Fun song...

Did someone mention an edited re-release? I hope so, there's a lot of room for improvement here. All up, even though it lacks the pace and heavy basslines I'd expected from Jack Holt, I am pleased...

Do you guys have any to add?

Owen.

Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003
From: "TISM Self Storage"
To: [email protected]
Subject: tism:

 --- Jeremy Fantl  wrote: > i
still dont have platter fucking fuckertty fuck
> fuck.
> > fuck.

Why don't you buy Tristan's??! (I picked mine up today and have very, very mixed feelings about it... I think I could best describe it by saying I like the song... the one they play 19 times...)

From: "Ant1 & Lara"
To: [email protected]
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003
Subject: tism: Re: Shit, piss, cunt, john howard, fuck, colostomy bag,

You guys are all so missing out!!! Had enough fantasy to keep me happy in the real world of late (fell in love with the Pirate Captain on the Polly Woodside last week) and now there is Jock, or Cap'n Jock McCheese as Ant calls him on account of me slinking away to the bedroom with cd in hand (shut the fuck up about now you lot).

Lets say that while this cd is similar it's not Tism. For a start Squishey copes with it much better - babies don't like that nasty Ron much - and Ant despises it in the same way he despises Gerry Rafferty. However, personally I find Platter a rather diverse listen in fairly subtle ways (I'll coin a fucking word for you, you cunt!) Skase is great, but suffers from the passage of time .. fuck but I'm doing this all arse up...not that I can string two words together at the moment anyhoo...

Keeping in mind the no. of times Tism will rework a song in the name of experimentation(?) I won't be suprised to see some of these songs again, but for me it's the Staight Dope tracks that make the cd worth every cent. and Dave Grainey (is that ref to the 'beach pristine and clear' or does he live in a wheat belt?) and Rabbit and "Why don't You Get A Knob Sewn To Your Forehead, Oh I See You Have Already" and ...

Ready for the next instalment, thanks.

Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003
From: "TISM Self Storage"
To: [email protected]
Subject: tism: Re: Shit, piss, cunt, john howard, fuck, colostomy bag,

Yeah, it's grown on me as long as I don't think about the fact that it cost twenty bucks, and interestingly two out of three of yours are also my faves - Great Rabbit and Dave Graney (is it deliberately misspelt, do you think?). I'm also pretty fond of Don't Burn 'Em All JD because of its startling resemblance to Died Pretty's early 90s JJJ hit "DC", and Up There Calisi. Other than that - I kinda like La Traviata, but the rest, y'know... BFW.

Still, if Fleur is right and there's another version due to come out with different artwork and mixes, those of us who have bought it might soon have a ridiculously overprices collector's item a la ATLC. One can only hope. (There was a big ad in Inpress this week, presumably the same as the one in Drum Media - "the album TISM tried to ban!".)

- Multi Instrumentalists Can All Go Fuck Themselves Every One

PS I don't hate sport because it's de rigueur - either because sport is de rigueur or because hating it is de rigueur - I hate it because the overwhelming majority of sportspeople are hypocritical wankers, arrogant fucksticks and/or knucklegrazing morons. God bless Lil' Lleyton for being so openly and honestly an arrogant prick. You wanna antagonise me motherfucker? Get in the ring motherfucker and I'll kick your bitchy little ass!!!

(NB: That PS is a reference to a line from Up There Calisi, "and if you hate sport because it's de rigueur/my friend, you're next in the doctor's chair". Last time I was in a doctor's chair I was being shown my King Cnut at 500% magnification, so if you're trying to scare me you're gonna have to do better than that.)

This article appeared on the Undercover webstie, followed by a review.

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