Jenai sat in the cemetery with the other family and friends of Nickolas� and listened, as the Priest spoke. She really wasn�t listening and was thinking about all the moments her and Nickolas shared; good and bad. She couldn�t believe he was actually gone. They weren�t even married five hours and God took him away from her. She wanted to hate him, but she couldn�t. She wanted to hate everyone, but she couldn�t. She was angry and she was going to stay angry.
She finally found happiness and she watched as it was taken away from her. She wasn�t sure if she could do the widow thing. She just wanted to be with Nickolas and she couldn�t. She wanted to hold him in her arms, but she couldn�t. She wanted to kiss his sweet lips, but she couldn�t. She wanted to make love to him, but she couldn�t. She wanted to hear him say her name, but she couldn�t and never would again. She would never feel his arms around her again. She would never be able to kiss his soft lips again. She would never make love to him again. She would never be able to share her dreams with him. She wasn�t even going to be able to dance the same again.
She wiped her eyes and looked at the casket in front of her, as the Priest said, �Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Amen.�
�Amen,� everyone else repeated and the Priest closed his Bible. The guests started walking away, but Jenai continued sitting there.
Kevin stood there and looked at his sister, as Kristin rejoined him. �She�s going to be ok, Kev.�
�I don�t think so,� Kevin said shaking his head. �She loved him with everything and nothing or no one is going to fill that void.�
�She has her family and friends.�
�That doesn�t matter, Kris. She changed her whole life around for him and he gets taken away. Her childhood dreams came true and they vanished just as quickly.� Kristin hugged him.
�I don�t know what I would do if anything happened to you.�
�Hopefully you won�t have to find out for a long time.�
�Did they find who did this?�
�Yeah.� He sighed. �It was a couple teens who came across some AK-47�s. My guess is they got them from drug dealers.� Kristin shook her head. �They�re still in lock-up and the D.A.�s pushing for a trial as soon as possible.�
�A couple kids wanted to have fun and a man�s life was taken with more than a dozen injured,� Jakob said. �Jenai�s happiness was taken from her. Hasn�t she gone through enough? Did God have to take Nick from her also?�
�God works in mysterious ways, Jakob,� Kevin replied. �This is the way he wanted it.�
�And Jenai has to be the one that suffers,� Jakob added looking at his best friend. �It all pisses me off.� He sighed and they all stood there in silence for a few moments. �Well everyone�s heading to Nick�s parents.�
�Alright,� Kevin said.
�I was going to head on over,� Jakob began, �but I was going to get Jenai.�
�Go on ahead,� Kevin said. �I�ll get my sister.�
�Ok,� Jakob said.
�Take Kris with you,� Kevin stated and he kissed Kristin. �I�ll see ya in a little bit.� Kristin nodded and she and Jakob walked away. Kevin stayed there a moment and then went and sat next to Jenai.
They sat in silence a few moments and then Jenai said, �Why can�t I be happy?� Kevin looked at her. �I found the happiness I was looking for and God let�s a bunch of crack heads take it away from me.� She wiped her eyes and Kevin took her in his arms. �I love Nick so much and we had this great future planned out. We were talking about a surrogate and adoption. We were going to get us some puppies. We were going to go to France and Italy and Australia. We were going to go to Jamaica for our honeymoon. We were going to do so much and now�what am I suppose to do. How can�� Her tears took over for her and Kevin held her tighter.
�Just let it all out, Jenai. No one�s going to stop you.�
�I am so angry. I am angry at everyone and everything.� She got up and paced back and forth. �God, Kevin, it should be me lying in that box instead of Nick.�
�It shouldn�t be either of you.�
�It should be me! Nick didn�t do anything except love me. I did so much, but I am still here. But why? It should�ve been me that died that night and not Nick. God took him away from me and I want to hate him, but I can�t. I can�t feel anything right now and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I just want Nick back and nothing more. Nick was supposed to fight to stay alive, but he didn�t. He chose to break my heart.�
�We all know there wasn�t anything he could do. The autopsy showed way too much damage to his internal organs. Even if he did fight for his life all the way to the hospital he would�ve been dead within a few minutes anyway.� She just looked at him. �I hate what happened to Nickolas just as much as you do and if there was anything I could�ve done to keep him here with you I would�ve done it in a heartbeat. You know I would�ve. If there was any way to save him I would�ve done it. Nickolas loves you even now and you have to hold onto that love you had.�
�But that�s all I have left.�
�No it�s not. You still have your memories.�
�That�s not good enough.�
�I know it�s not, but it�s going to have to be.� She didn�t say anything and sat back down and Kevin sat beside her. �The most you can do for the both of you is live.�
She shook her head and said, �How can I do that when I died that second Nick did.� She lowered her head and cried.
�It�s ok to feel the way you do right now. If there�s anything you want me to do for you just let me know.�
�Can you give me Nick back?�
Kevin looked at her and said, �Jenai, I�� He had no idea what to say and he just hugged her. They just stood there longer and the only sound they heard was Jenai�s crying. Kevin wanted to understand his sister�s pain, but he couldn�t. Kristin was still with him and it made it harder for him to help her. In fact he couldn�t help her and he hated it. There was nothing he could do except to be there for her. �Everyone�s headed to the Carter�s if you want to go.�
�No; I want to stay here with Nick.�
�Alright.� He kissed her forehead. �I�ll be back to check on ya.� She just nodded and he got up and walked away.
Jenai just continued sitting there, staring at the casket, and said, �You stupid son of a bitch. I changed my whole life around for your ass and you go ahead and leave me. I could kill you right now if you weren�t already dead. You promised me the next 80 years and you broke that promise. You broke that promise, because you didn�t fight to stay alive. You were supposed to fight for me�for us.� Her tears took over once more and she cried a few minutes. �I was�I was alone in our house last night and I thought you were with me.� She wiped her eyes, but more kept coming. �I was lying in the bed that will never be slept in and it felt like your arms went around me. And I could�ve sworn you kissed my cheek.� She took a deep breath. �I was just imagining it though, because you�re not here. God took you away so I won�t be able to feel your touch again or enjoy your love.� She got up and walked over to the casket and placed a hand on it. �I love you, Nickolas, and I�m not sure I can do this without you. I�m only going to have your memory and that�s not good enough. I want you back, but I know that�s not going to happen. I want to feel your kiss and I want to feel your touch. I want it all back, Baby. You made me feel so great about myself and now that feeling�s gone. I�m never going to love again, because it won�t be the same. No one�s going to fill that void in my heart. I never loved the way I love you. I gave my all with you and it ended up breaking my heart.� She broke into more tears and sunk to her knees. �I love you and I�d give all I have to hear you say you love me one more time.� She kissed her hand and placed it on the casket. �I don�t want them to lower you into the ground because then it means that you�re actually gone. I feel that as long as you�re here above then you�re still really with me. I know deep down though that�s not true. You are gone and nothing I do will ever change that.� She kissed her hand again and placed it on the casket, as they started lowering it into the ground and Jenai watched helplessly.
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