"Who Knows Whom the Best Part 4"

ELROND: Welcome back folks… Due to some… violent actions last time… Elladan and Elrohir have been sent off to get rid of their aggressions by hunting orcs. And since there hardly are any orcs left, they'll be gone for a looooooong time.

ARAGORN: Damn straight.

ELROND: Watch it!

ARAGORN: Sorry.

ELROND: The score is that Aragorn, in spite of a banged up buzzer, holds the lead with six points. Second are Merry and Gimli who have four each. Legolas, Pippin, Frodo and Gandalf all have three points and on two points we find Boromir and Sam. Okay ready for the next question, who in the fellowship was a ringbearer-- [buzzer] Other than Frodo, Pippin.

PIPPIN: There where more rings in our fellowship? What happened to them? Did we destroy those too? [another buzzer is heard]

MERRY: Sam.

ELROND: Correct.

BOROMIR: Waaaaiiit a minute. You mean Sam wore the One Ring? When?

FRODO: After you died, when he tought I was dead.

BOROMIR: Okay. [muttering] Some have all the luck.

PIPPIN: There was only one ring in our fellowship then?

ARAGORN: I also have a ring, The ring of Barahir. [waves proudly with it in the air]

GANDALF: Ha! At least my ring had powers, unlike yours. [reveals Narya]

ARAGORN: Show-off!

GIMLI: What is that, Gandalf?

GANDALF: One of the three elven rings. Narya, Ring of Fire.

BOROMIR: Where are the others? Pawn shop?

ELROND: [revealing Vilya] This is Vilya, Ring of Air.

MERRY: That's one of the elven rings? [exhales in relief] I thought you just had it for fun. And that would have been very girly. [reciving angry looks from Elrond] Or not, whatever.

GIMLI: Where's the third?

GANDALF: The third ring is in the possession of lady Galadriel. The Ring of Water, Nenya.

SAM: Enya?

FRODO: Enya? You mean like in Enya who sings?

ELROND: It's Nnnnnenya. And who is Enya?

PIPPIN: I thougt you knew that it was the name of the ring.

ELROND: Not Nenya, Enya!

[The Hobbits give Elrond strange looks]

MERRY: We'd better sing this…

HOBBITS: [singing] May it be an evening star, shines down upon you. May it be when darkness falls, your heart will be true…

GANDALF: What are they singing?

HOBBITS: [singing] You walk a lonely road, oh how far you are from home…

ELROND: Okay. Enough! That didn't help but thanks for the song… By the way, new rules, no singing allowed. Where were we? Ahh… yes the next question… Yet another non-fellowship question. How many were the nazgúl?

PIPPIN: [throws himself at his buzzer] Five!

MERRY: Pip that was at Weathertop!

PIPPIN: Your point being?

MERRY: How many were the nazgúl all toghter?

PIPPIN: Five?

SAM: How many members are there in this fellowship?

PIPPIN: [starts counting] Well, let's see… There's me… and you guys make four… and the humans make six… unless Gandalf counts as a human, that makes it seven… Eight, nine, ten … Ten!

FRODO: Is Elrond a part of this fellowship?

ELROND: No! [buzzer] Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Nine.

ELROND: Corre--

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off] Damn, I forgot to answer!

ARAGORN Ha!

PIPPIN: But what does the number of members in our fellowship have to do with the nazies?

FRODO: Nazgúl!

PIPPIN: [rolling eyes] Sorry, Mr. I-don't-know-what-confiscated-means!

SAM: See Pippin, we were nine members of the fellowship so there would be one of us for each one of the nazgúl!

ARAGORN: Ha ha, Merry forgot to answer…

MERRY: Are you still on that?

PIPPIN: Well for your information, Mr. Homewrecker--

MERRY: [cutting him off, upset] Me?

PIPPIN: Aragorn! For your information, there are only eight nazgúl!

GIMLI: Does this little squeezetoy know something we don't?

PIPPIN: Have you all forgotten that Merry and Éowyn killed one? So they're only eight.

BOROMIR: Yeah, but technically, so are we. I'm dead, remember?

ELROND: Before this gets too complicated… Let's move on to another question!

BOROMIR: How many questions are left?

ELROND: Two. Thank goodness.

SAM: What do you suppose he means by that?

ELROND: Don't trouble your little mind with that, Sam. Next question. Which Hobbit does not reside in the Shire? [buzzer] Yes Gandalf?

GANDALF: Frodo!

FRODO: What? Gandalf, for crying out loud, you've been to my house numerous times, you know it's in the Shire!

GANDALF: You've sailed off to the West, you foolish Baggins! Thus, you no longer live in the Shire!

ARAGORN: And they allow him to answer, but not me?

ELROND: Frodo is not the right answer. Let me rephrase. Which Hobbit did not reside in the Shire prior to the War of the Ring? [buzzer] Yes Boromir?

BOROMIR: Sam!

ELROND: No! Sam was practically Frodo's next-door-neighbour!

BOROMIR: But… Okay, Frodo lived in the Shire, we know that much! And Pippin was the son of the guy who rules Great Smials, in the Shire.

PIPPIN: The Thain of the Great Smials.

BOROMIR: And Merry was the son of the Master of Buckland… in the Shire…

MERRY: Is it creeping anyone else out that he's talking about us in past tense?

ELROND: Well be that as it may Boromir, Sam is not the correct answer. [a yelp is heard from Aragorn] What the..?

ARAGORN: [whiny] Gimli smacked my hand!

GIMLI: You were trying to use my buzzer!

LEGOLAS: [hits buzzer] It was Merry!

MERRY: Hey, I didn't try to use anyone's buzzer! Unlike some people, I don't break mine!

LEGOLAS: I meant that it's you who lives outside the Shire.

ELROND: Enough, before you start fighting! Legolas, that's the right answer.

BOROMIR: [looking at huge map] But it makes no sense to me… Let's see now, Shire, Shire, Shire… Where is the Shire? Wait a minute, Orthanc? Ha ha Legolas, very funny! This is a map of Isengard!

LEGOLAS: You're so guillable.

BOROMIR: Would somebody get me a map of the Shire?

PIPPIN: Do we have to start looking through maps? Major yawn!

BOROMIR: I want to check this out!

PIPPIN: If Buckland is outside of the Shire, then why do you expect to find it on a map of the Shire?

BOROMIR: Would someone please just give me a map with the Shire and Buckland?

FRODO: Do you wish to see the one that includes Bree as well, or will you settle for--

BOROMIR: [cutting him off] Never mind! Forget it! Let me live my life in ignorence! I give up!

MERRY: If you're interested, I can tell you the complete history of Buckland!

SAM: And we know that he can…

MERRY: It all started when the Fallohide brothers Marco and Blanco crossed what we now called the Brandywine. Back then of course, it didn't have a name. The river got it's name when…



[Commercial Break]



MERRY: … and they decided to settle down there!

GIMLI: [bored beyond belief] Are you finished now?

PIPPIN: No. That's just the prelude.

FRODO: It goes on for about another millennia. About 1300 years, to be exact.

BOROMIR: Hasn't it already been a millennia during the telling of this tale?

MERRY: No. I only covered two years. Weren't you listening?

LEGOLAS: I want to die!

ELROND: Merry, shut up or I will give your horn back to Éowyn.

MERRY: What's with the let's-bully-Merry concept?

ELROND: Moving along! Final question! This could very well settle it! Please let this settle it!

MERRY: Like my ancestor Gormadoc used to say…

ARAGORN: Quiet, you annoying little cottontail!

MERRY: Was that a reference to my hairdo? Because you know, I get that from my great, great, great, great… [trails off] Why is everyone looking at me like that?

ELROND: Now. Final question. It reads--

[A massive roar of appriciation comes from the audience cuts Elrond off]

ELROND: Is there anyone who hasn't cut me off yet? Now… If one were to drink water from the Entwash, what would the effets be?

PIPPIN: I'm thirsty!

SAM: Why is Elrond talking about the Entwash? When are we gonna get that final question so we can go home?

PIPPIN: Speaking of, Elrond you wouldn't happen to have some Entwash lying around would you?

ELROND: Blasted Hobbits! The final question reads: "if one were to drink water from the Entwash, what would the effects be?"

SAM: Oh! Now I get it! [hits buzzer] He wouldn't be thirsty anymore!

ELROND: No, that's not correct.

PIPPIN: Is too! I've tried it myself and it does relieve thirst! Now, did you have any Entwash or..?

ELROND: Let me rephrase. Again. If one were to drink water from the Entwash, what would the effects be other than that of regular water?

GIMLI: Actually regular water doesn't relieve my thirst.

ELROND: I hate Dwarfs.

[Aragorn looks longingly at Gimli's buzzer]

GIMLI: Don't even think it!

[Aragorn turns to Legolas and slowly moves his hand closer to his buzzer]

LEGOLAS: I can hear that!

[Suddenly Aragorn drops to the floor]

GANDALF: What on Middle-Earth..?

ARAGORN: [only his voice is heard] Just ignore me!

ELROND: Oh I try to do that far more often than you know… Anyone else who wishes to answer?

BOROMIR: [hits buzzer] You get really clean?

PIPPIN: What kind of an idiotic answer is that? How does drinking something make you clean?

SAM: I really don't wanna know how you got bathed as a child, Boromir!

ARAGORN: [only his voiced heard] Wow Gandalf! I never knew you wore the grey under the white!

GANDALF: Get away from me!

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] I'm really unappreciated around here…

ELROND: Boromir, your answer is incorrect.

PIPPIN: Not to mention idiotic. I'm thirsty! I want some Entwash!

FRODO: All right! All right! Which one of you perverted Hobbits is caressing my leg?

SAM: Not me, Mister Frodo!

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] Sorry! It was an accident.

PIPPIN: [looking under table] What are you doing down there?

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] Do not question thy king!

BOROMIR: Come to think of it, why did I answer that it makes you clean? I mean, Pippin and Merry didn't look too clean to me…

MERRY: I resent that, Mr. Anti-Loréal!

[Everyone else non-Elvish turn their attention to Legolas]

GIMLI: What does Loréal mean? It's Elvish, right?

LEGOLAS: It means "you're worth it".

FRODO: Oh! I know! [hits buzzer]

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] I miss the times I could hit my buzzer!

FRODO: Quiet! When you drink from the Entwash, you become energized!

GANDALF: That's almost as dumb as Boromir's guess. Don't you know the difference between an Elf-brew and an Ent-brew?

PIPPIN: Actually you do get energized by---

ELROND: [cutting Pippin off] Don't go there!

PIPPIN: [laughing] Stop tickling me, Aragorn!

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] Just checking which Hobbit it was!

PIPPIN: The ticklish one!

ELROND: Frodo's answer is not correct. What we're looking for here is something that is specific for water from the Entwash and cannot be found in any other beverage that we know--

[Elrond is cut off by Aragorn giving a war cry and leaping up to his feet, banging his hand on Merry's buzzer]

ARAGORN: [crying out] Eärendil!

MERRY: What in all of farmer Maggot's crop is the meaning of this?

ELROND: Aragorn! Have you completely lost your mind?

MERRY: Aragorn! Have you completely smashed my buzzer?

ARAGORN: I get to answer now!

ELROND: Says who?

ARAGORN: I buzzed a buzzer!

MERRY: But it wasn't yours! Have you people no respect for other people's property? That damn Elrohir still has my horn!

ELROND: The halfling is right. It was not your buzzer, Estel.

ARAGORN: Well Merry can't answer the question anyway since it concerns him, and therefore I get to answer!

SAM: So that was your wicked plot?

FRODO: I knew I should have kicked you when you crawled by!

ELROND: Aragorn nobody said neither Merry nor Pippin could answer the question. It concerns the Ents, and falls under the category Lord of the Rings Trivia!

SAM: What is this Lord of the Rings thing you keep going on about?

GIMLI: Bla bla bla, what happens now then?

ELROND: Well the question is Merry's.

ARAGORN: I could have aimed for Pippin's buzzer but noooooooooooooooo…

MERRY: Well that's easy then! I didn't know I could answer! The answer is that you grow taller! And if you're a Hobbit, your hair gets curlier!

SAM: [rolling eyes] Pippin and Merry don't shrink when you wash them, they grow!

PIPPIN: All this talk about Entwash… Does anybody have any?

MERRY: Not now, Pip! Well Elrond?

ELROND: Unfortunately, that is correct.

MERRY: Hey, what's that supposed to mean!

FRODO: I think Elrond is a racist. A racist against Hobbits!

SAM: Okay guys, on the count of three we attack him for the Shire!

BOROMIR: Now why would Merry attack him for the Shire if his stupid Buckland is outside the Shire?

ELROND: I am not a racist! And you will not--

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off yet again] Interesting point, Boromir… All this time I've been attacking stuff for the Shire, when I could have been doing it specifically for Buckland!

ELROND: I want an end to this eternal misery! Could we please just finish this?

MERRY: Sorry.

ELROND: What I meant when I said "unfortunately", is that we now have a tie. Aragorn and Merry each have six points.

FRODO: How come you said Strider's name first? You are a racist, just admit it!

PIPPIN: Maybe he's one of those nazi-nazgúl! By the way, where's that Entwash?

BOROMIR: [mocking Pippin, in Scottish accent] Hullo, my name is Pippin, and I'm an Entwash-o-holic.

ELROND: Somebody just shoot me dead right here, right now! [long sigh] Okay. To settle this, there will be one final round. Just Merry and Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Will I get a new buzzer this time?

ELROND: You won't need a buzzer. Besides, we can't afford to let you near any more buzzers since you've already broken two!

ARAGORN: Merry's is not broken!

[Everyone's attention turns to Merry's buzzer that has started playing "Macarena"]

MERRY: It doesn't sound too good to me…

ARAGORN: Okay so maybe I scatched it a little…

ELROND: This gameshow has gotten out of hand completely…

[Elrond hopelessly watches the fellowship minus Aragorn, Merry and Gandalf doing the Macarena]

ARAGORN: It's not broken, I tell you! It's an improvement!

PIPPIN/FRODO/SAM/BOROMIR/LEGOLAS/GIMLI: Heeeey, Macarena! [does a twist hop]



[Commercial Break]



ELROND: Welcome back. We are now at the final round of this contest, where it will once and for all be settled who knows whom the best in the Fellowship of the Ring. Meriadoc Brandybuck or Aragorn son of Arathon. Satisfied now, Frodo?

FRODO: Yeah.

ELROND: First, while we make the final preparations, let's have a look at how our two finalists have trained since yesterday… And would someone for the love of god make Merry's damn buzzer quiet down?

ARAGORN: I'll handle that! [bangs buzzer with all of his might] There! Aragorn conquers yet another enemy!

[The buzzer has a minor explosion and the top flies up and smacks Aragorn on the forehead. Aragorn cries out in pain]

ARAGORN: Spoke too soon…

MERRY: Let this be a lesson. Never destroy the possession of a Brandybuck!

ELROND: You never actually owned the buzzer, Merry.

SAM: What do you mean? We don't get to take the buzzers home with us?

[Elrond gives Sam an annoyed look. We see that Sam is holding his buzzer in his hand, Frodo has placed his next to Sting and Pippin's trying his best to hide his dismantled buzzer behind his back]

GANDALF: Hobbits really are amazing creatures, as I have said before. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you.

ELROND: Just roll the damn film of Merry and Aragorn training!

[We cut to a series of clips showing the two finalists getting ready for the big finally. They haven't been told what the finally will be about, so it is of importance to train in many departments. We see the following…

* Aragorn is lifting weights. Or more correctly, lifting Gimli. Legolas stands beside him, watching.
LEGOLAS: This is rediculous.
ARAGORN: Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three…

* Merry is eating dinner with the other Hobbits.
SAM: This is rediculous.
PIPPIN: [counting mushrooms as Merry eats them] Fifity-one, fifty-two, fifty-three…

* Aragorn is reading through a huge Middle-Earth Encyclopedia which he has borrowed from Legolas.
ARAGORN: [reading] Balin: Dwarf who set out with Bilbo the Hobbit, bla bla bla bla bla… Next. Balr--
GIMLI: Do not go there!

* Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam are looking through some road guides.
MERRY: [reading] Bree. Inn: The Prancing Pony. Both Hobbits and humans visit this inn, which has a very lovely sitting room and serves some of the best beer around.
PIPPIN: Well we all know that. After Frodo got himself drunk and danced on the table, singing that song--
FRODO: Do not go there!

* Aragorn is trying to learn family trees.
ARAGORN: … And Ferumbras II fathered Fortinbras I, who fathered Gerontius, aka the Old Took. He married Adamanta Chubb and they had twelve stupid kids, out of which the fourth one was Hildigrim who married Rosa Baggins. They had Adalgrim, who… [long sigh] I can't take more of this!
GIMLI: Why are you even learning this?
ARAGORN: Because Merry probably knows this by heart and I don't, thus I need to learn it!

* Merry is trying to teach Pippin about herbals.
PIPPIN: … And kingsfoil is also known as athelas, and it can help bring people like you Merry back from the black shadow… [long sigh] I can't take more of this!
SAM: Why is he even learning this?
MERRY: Because I know it by heart and he doesn't, thus he needs to learn it!

* Aragorn is learning about Ents from Quickbeam. We just see Quickbeam at first.
QUICKBEAM: Boom, boom I'll linger here, rumbom beneath the sun, boorar because my land is best, boom, boom when winter comes, dahrar the winder wild that hill and wood shall slay, boom, boom when trees shall fall, dahrar and starless night devour, boom.
The camera zooms out to reveal an Aragorn fast asleep and snooring.

* Gandalf is sitting by Merry's bedside, telling him a story.
GANDALF: In Dwimordene, in Lórien, seldome have walked the feet of men. Few mortal eyes have seen the light, that lies there ever long and bright. Galadriel, Galadriel.
The camera zooms out to reveal a Merry fast asleep next to Frodo who's got a teddybear.

* Aragorn is out jogging in the early morning.
ARAGORN: Just five more kilometers…

* Merry is eating breakfast in the early morning, together with the other Hobbits.
MERRY: Just five more pancaces…

* Aragorn is practicing swordfighting with Boromir.
BOROMIR: Told you I could beat you at this!
ARAGORN: You wish! Best out of five!

* Merry is having second breakfast together with the other Hobbits. He has just finished an apple-eating contest with Sam.
SAM: Told you I could beat you at this!
MERRY: You wish! Best out of five!

* We see a close-up of Aragorn's mouth, white smoke coming out of his mouth when he breathes. We zoom out to reveal Aragorn skiing up the mountain Caradhras. Legolas is skipping next to him.
LEGOLAS: Someday I'm going to teach you how to walk ontop of the snow!

* We see a close-up of Merry's mouth, white smoke coming out of his mouth when he breathes. We zoom out to reveal Merry lying on his back, smoking away together with Pippin, Frodo, Sam and Bilbo.
BILBO: Someday I'm going to teach you how to make reall big smoke rings!

… End of training sequence]

ELROND: Now let's get started. And may I add that we might have gotten this show on the road a lot sooner, had it not been for the fact that Aragorn decided to take a little trip to Caradhras!

LEGOLAS: He made me go with him!

ARAGORN: Liar!

ELROND: In the audience we have the rest of the fellowship at the honorary seats. Let's see what their opinions are.

PIPPIN: [only voice heard] I can't see a thing! How come Gandalf gets to sit on the first row when I get to sit on the third?

LEGOLAS: Why aren't you sitting on the second with us?

PIPPIN: Uh… I don't know! But I want to sit in the front!

ELROND: Promise you won't whine if you get to switch seats with Gandalf?

PIPPIN: Cross my little Hobbit heart!

GANDALF: But I will complain! I don't want to sit way back on third rowe!

LEGOLAS: Just move back here to second, will you!

[Pippin hops up to where Gandalf was sitting and Gandalf sits behind him]

ELROND: Now. I'm going to ask you one question each, and when I've done that there will be no talking!

SAM: Not even if we have to go pee?

ELROND: Go now if you have to! [Sam runs off to the bathroom] Now then. Boromir, who do you think will win this?

BOROMIR: Aragorn. Humans will prevail!

FRODO: Oh good. Another racist.

BOROMIR: I didn't mean it like that!

ELROND: Now then… Frodo. Who do you think will win this?

FRODO: My dear cousin Merry. After all, Hobbits will prevail! [evil glare at Boromir]

BOROMIR: This ain't a contest on taking jewelry to Mordor!

FRODO: Whatever.

ELROND: Gimli, who do you see as the winner?

GIMLI: Aragorn, of course. My brother in arm! He has conquered so many enemies, and he has--

ELROND: I didn't ask for his life story! Legolas, what do you think?

LEGOLAS: Aragorn's been brought up in Rivendell, by Elves… No offence to the halfling, but he doesn't stand much of a chance.

FRODO: A--

ELROND: [cutting him off] Don't you dare make another racist comment! Pippin, who do you think will win?

PIPPIN: Merry! Naturally! And look, I can see so much better from here in the front!

ELROND: Good for you…

PIPPIN: Plus, Merry's been training hard all day and all night! He's bound to win!

ELROND: Gandalf?

GANDALF: I believe Aragorn will be the winning one. He is the king of Gondor, and he has won many a battle. Besides, I know Meriadoc a little too well, even though he has come a long way he still has Took in him and that might bring him down.

PIPPIN: Is that a bad comment about Tooks? Watch it old man, or I'll throw rocks at you!

ELROND: None of that, Peregrin! Now then… Sam? Has Sam returned yet?

SAM: [coming running] Here I am! What's the question?

ELROND: Who do you see as the winner of our contest?

SAM: Mister Frodo.

ELROND: He's not in the final.

SAM: I still believe he can win!

FRODO: Uh, Sam…

SAM: Well then it's a given. Strider will win this for sure.

FRODO/PIPPIN: [gasping] You traitor!

BOROMIR: That was pretty low, Sam!

SAM: Fine, fine, I think Mr. Merry will win. [crosses arms, sulking]

ELROND: Now then. No more bathroom breaks and no more talking! Let the finals begin!

[The audience cheers. The Hobbits wave "Go Merry" and "For the Shire" flags. Pippin has one "For the Shire… uh, I mean Buckland" flag as well]

SAM: Should we bring out the pompoms?

FRODO: No. That would just make us look silly!

ELROND: Now then. Silence everybody! Or I will forbid the audience to be present! Now… The rules are as follows. We will bring out two boards, one for each contestant. On the boards the names of the members of the Fellowship of the Ring are written. Your object is to match the correct female name, you'll be given nine by the way, with the correct spouse. As not all of the members get married, some spots will be left blank. Have you understood?

ARAGORN: Ready!

MERRY: I'm more ready than Rock Head over there!

ARAGORN: Will you stop that?

MERRY: Oooooo… touched a nerve!

ARAGORN: Oooooo… might break a Hobbit's bone.

MERRY: I'll be good, I swear!

ELROND: Bring out the boards!

[Elladan and Elrohir, who have now returned, enter with a board each. On the boards the names of the fellowship members are written, just as Elrond said]

MERRY: Actually Merry isn't spelled with three Rs.

ELLADAN: Oh goody… [erases one of the Rs]

ELROND: As you can see, there's a basket along with each board, and these baskets have nine plates with female names on them. Those names are; Estella, Peony, Galadriel, Arwen, Diamond, Rose, Daisy, Éowyn and Mirabella. Now it's your task to match the correct name with the correct husband. Go!

[Merry and Aragorn get to work. We see various clips of them matching names, Hobbits waving flags and audience cheering]

ELROND: Time is now… up! Finally, this will all be over soon!

AUDIENCE: Yaaaaaaaaaay!

ELROND: Now. Let's have a look here…

[He goes over to the two boards and has a look. Merry's reads;

FRODO -
SAM - ROSE
MERRY - ESTELLA
PIPPIN - DIAMOND
ARAGORN - ARWEN
BOROMIR -
LEGOLAS - PEONY
GIMLI -
GANDALF - ]

ELROND: You matched all who get married with the correct wife. Only Legolas never gets married. What we know of, at least.

MERRY: Oh darn it all to heck!

LEGOLAS: Let this be a lesson to you all! Looks don't matter!

GIMLI: So you're saying you have such a bad personality that no girl likes you?

LEGOLAS: Uh…

ELROND: Now then. Merry has one incorrect answer.

[Aragorn's board reads:

FRODO - MIRABELLA
SAM - ROSE
MERRY - ESTELLA
PIPPIN - DIAMOND
ARAGORN - ÉOWYN
BOROMIR -
LEGOLAS -
GIMLI -
GANDALF -]

ELROND: Okay, fist off, Frodo never gets married.

FRODO: No I don't! Who-ho, bachelorhood rocks! [to Aragorn] I never get married, loser! No wait… I'm the loser! Why doesn't anyone want me?

PIPPIN: To be honest I think it's that nine fingers thing. Chicks don't dig that.

FRODO: No fair!

SAM: I like it, Mr. Frodo! Wait, that came out wrong…

ELROND: [continuing to look through Aragorn's board] Sam and Rosie, Merry and Estella, Pippin and Diamond, Aragorn and Arwen… No wait a minute! Aragorn and Éowyn? Aragorn you rock head!

ARAGORN: Éowyn? [looks at his board] Oh no! I must have gotten the wrong one!

ELLADAN: Now can we kill him, father?

ELROHIR: Please daddy, please!

ELROND: I think Arwen will take care of that. Aragorn, you no good, brainless, idiotic--

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off] Yay! I win! Don't I? I win, I win, I win, I win! Victory for Buckland!

ARAGORN: This is not right! I know who I'm married to!

MERRY: No, but I do, which means I won the game! Yay!

ARAGORN: Argh! [kicks board. It breaks]

ELROND: Do not touch anything else! Including Arwen!

ARAGORN: I hate this stupid game!

MERRY: So Rocky, who's the magnificent still? Okay people, it is hornblowing time!

ELROND: Oh please no!

MERRY: Elrohir! My horn please!

ELLADAN: I'm Elladan.

MERRY: And you don't have my horn? Where's my horn? Did you two lose my horn?

GIMLI: Have they checked their third pocket from the left? Do not trust Elves with your personal belongings, young Hobbit!

MERRY: I want my horn and I want it now!

FRODO: Okay guys. Let's do it! You know the routine, we practiced it in Moria!

FRODO/SAM/PIPPIN: [leaping from their seats] For the Shire!

MERRY: And Buckland!

ELROHIR: No! Wait! Calm down! Please don't hurt me! I'm fragile! Here, take your stupid horn, just let me leave this place of insanity!

MERRY: [grabs horn back] And Buckland has prevailed! [blows his horn]

ELROND: Finally. It is all over. And-- [Merry's horn cuts him off] I am not finished, Meriadoc!

MERRY: I can interrupt you if I want to, because I am the winner and this game is over!

ELROND: Look over at that camera, Merry. [they look into the camera] See that red light? As long as it's shining, the show is still going on and I call the shots!

MERRY: Yeah whatever. [blows horn]

ELROND: Read the damn rules! [points to long lists of rules up on the wall] Pippin!

PIPPIN: [looks up from tearing them down] What?

ELROND: Stop that this instant! It is forbidden to tear down the rules!

SAM: [reading a list] Nope… It doesn't say anything about that over here. However, it does say that it is forbidden dance the Macarena. When did we add that rule?

ELROND: [to viewers] Well then. As you can see, insanity has taken over. Meriadoc Brandybuck is the winner, which I would never have imagined even in my wildest dreams… Tune in tomorrow, as we play "Who Knows Whom the Best" with the gang from Harry Potter. [breaks into hysterical laughter] Yeah… Like that would happen in this Elvish lifetime! Oh I crack myself up… Bye now, all viewers!

MERRY: I am Master of this Hall! [blows horn]



THE END


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