"Who Knows Whom the Best Part 3"

ELROND: Welcome back everyone to "Who Knows Whom the Best". Today we are still with the Fellowship of the Ring. Aragorn is in the lead with his four points.

ARAGORN: Yeah! I rule both this game and Gondor!

ELROND: Quiet! Legolas, Gimli and Frodo each have three points, Gandalf and Sam follow with two and the rest have all managed to get a point each. Okay. Everybody is seated? Good. With me today are also my two sons Elladan and Elrohir, for those of you who didn't watch us yesterday.

FRODO: [whispering] Aragorn, Aragorn! Which one is Elladan and which one is Elrohir?

ELROND: Quiet Frodo. Which one in the Fellowship is known as the Magnificent? [extremely loud buzzer sound] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland.

ELROND: That's right. You now have five points and hold the lead by two.

ARAGORN: [turning to Merry] Who is the magnificent now?

MERRY: You're just jealous beacause your name Elessar means rock.

[Aragorn goes over to Merry, looking dipleased. Elrond sighs]

ELROND: How long did that take, thirty seconds?

ARAGORN: [to Merry] The word you are searching for is Elf Stone.

MERRY: It should be rock, since it fits you better. Rock head!

FRODO: Rock head? What's a rock head?

ARAGORN: No one insults the king. [turns to Pippin] Pippin, as a Knight of Gondor, arrest this halfling!

PIPPIN: [very surprised] Arrest Merry?

ARAGORN: Do not disobey! Or I'll send you of to the front!

BOROMIR: Not that I wanna be a part of this but, which front, in which war?

ARAGORN: A war I will start so I can send Pippin there if he disobeys me. Arrest Merry, now! We can fight Bree! That Barliman Butterbur has always had a horn in the side for me. Pippin, arrest Merry!

PIPPIN: Arrest Merry? Have you lost something? Like your mind? Is there something in ruling Gondor which makes one crazy?

ARAGORN: [closing in on Pippin] Do not disobey your king!

PIPPIN: Help! He wants to burn me alive!

[Elladan and Elrohir interfere and save Pippin]

ELROND: Aragorn! Calm down! [to himself] Boy am I getting sick of telling people to calm down...

MERRY: He he he� [stops laughing when Elrond turns to him]

ELROND: And as for you--

SAM: [interrupting Elrond] You are forbidden to� to� to� What is he forbidden to do?

ELROND: [now looking at Sam] Will you stop that! You are getting on my last ner--

MERRY: [interrupting Elrond as many times before] I'm sorry Elrond. I will not tease Aragorn again, even though he has insulted me, �owyn and Th�oden. Not to mention threathining Pippin at least twice. I will act mature and not fight with him.

ELROND: Good. That's more I like it. Now we can--

MERRY: [cutting off again] But I will kick his royal behind in this game! [takes out horn and blows]

ELROND: What have I told you about that horn?

MERRY: Uh� Blow it?

ELROND: [mad] It's time for commercial. Stay tuned to see if little Merry Brandybuck will still have lips to blow with when we return! [jumps over with his crutches to Merry]




[Commercial Break]




ELROND: We're back. The score hasn't changed much, because I cut to commercial way too soon. This means the network will want to lay me off, unfortunately. But then again, a nice little vacation wouldn't be too bad... Now, contestants! If you break the rules, I will do something about it!

[He glances at Merry, whose horn has been placed whith Elladan and Elrohir. We also see that Elrond is now in a wheelchair]

MERRY: [lifting warning finger] Elladan, if you get as much as the tiniest scratch on my horn, I will hunt you down and shave your head!

ELROHIR: I'm Elrohir.

MERRY: Yeah well I can shave your head too!

ELROND: Now, let's continue. What's the name of Legolas' father? [a buzz and a bang] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Thranduil.

ELROND: Corre--

[A strange buzz noise interrupts him. Everyone pauses to listen. A series of odd buzzing sounds can be heard before it slowly dies out]

PIPPIN: [off everyone's looks] What? It wasn't mine, I swear!

ELROND: Let's just move along, shall we? Right. What was the name of Gandalf's horse?

[Aragorn bangs his buzzer. Nothing happens. Aragorn looks puzzled and bangs the buzzer again, but still nothing happens]

ARAGORN: [whiny] Elrond! My buzzer won't buzz!

FRODO: That's because you've broken it, stupid! Some healing hand you've got!

ARAGORN: Fix my buzzer! Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

FRODO: Do I look like a mechanic? You fix it!

ARAGORN: Elrond! My buzzer's broken!

ELROND: Well then you're just gonna have to do without a buzzer. You did break it yourself, so it's your fault.

ARAGORN: But if my buzzer doesn't buzz, how will you know when I'm first to answer?

ELLADAN: He won't.

ARAGORN: But that means�

MERRY: That your royal behind is going to be kicked. Ha ha!

ARAGORN: [bangs buzzer with no result still] Why? Why me? [buzzer makes a strange, final noise]

GIMLI: Now it's really broken. You family seems to enjoy breaking things. Like swords and buzzers...

ELROND: Okay. Moving on.

ARAGORN: But my buzzer!

ELROND: [ignoring Aragorn completely] So the question still reads, what's the name of Gandalfs horse? [buzzer] Pippin.

PIPPIN: Balrog!

[A scream comes from Legolas, who tries to hide in Gimli's beard]

GIMLI: There, there� You're getting my beard all clean!

ELROND: Pippin, no question is read twice, so stop screaming balrog!

LEGOLAS: Cut it out!

PIPPIN: [looking at Elrond] So it's not balrog?

LEGOLAS: [starts to cry] Stop it!

GIMLI: Can you please stop using the b-word?

ARAGORN: Psst! Elrohir! Fix my buzzer!

FRODO: Which one is Elrohir?

SAM: I'm hungry! I want a snack!

MERRY: I want my horn!

PIPPIN: I want to know what's wrong with the b-word!

LEGOLAS: I want to be in a fellowship where people don't use the b-word!

GIMLI: I want Legolas to stop crying!

ARAGORN: I want to answer!

FRODO: I want to know who is Elladan and who is Elrohir!

ELROND: I want to quit!

GANDALF: I want an asprin!

BOROMIR: Cuuut iiiiiiit oooooout! [everybody looks at Boromir] What's the matter with you people? Sam, you just had a meal! Second breakfast or something else, doesn't matter, it was a meal and you should be full. Merry you know the rules, no horn! And frankly, we're all very happy about that one!

MERRY: Just because your horn is broken�

BOROMIR: Pippin, if you can't remember what happened with the b-word in Moria then you're stupider than I thought. Legolas calm down, there is no balrog here so pull yourself together and Gimli you help him withthat. And may I also suggest Legolas that you see a professional shrink about your balrog issues. Aragorn you broke it so you fix it! Frodo, does it matter who's who? I completly understand you Elrond, and Gandalf, what on Middel-Earth is an asprin?

GANDALF: [with his hand to his head] Something that takes away headache. Merlin reccomended it.

ELROND: [having calmed down] Where wer-- [buzzer]

MERRY: Shadowfax.

ELROND: What?

ELLADAN: That's the answer to your question.

ELROND: Ahh! Okay. Were we still on that one? That gives Merry one point and now he has two points.

FRODO: Is the one on your lefthand side Elladan or Elrohir?

BOROMIR: Why even bother?

ELROND: It's Elladan, you inquisitive Hobbit.

ELROHIR: No it's not. It's me�

ELLADAN: Maybe we should start wearing nametags.

ELROND: Moving right along. Which member of the fellowship does always carry an extra pipe? [buzzer] Gandalf.

GANDALF: Merry!

ELROND: No.

MERRY: I wish! Does anyone have some pipeweed by the way?

LEGOLAS: [hits his buzzer] It's Sam, isn't it?

ELROND: No it's not.

LEGOLAS: [to Aragorn] Don't you dare touch my buzzer!

ARAGORN: [whiny] But I know the answer�

GIMLI: [hits his buzzer] Pippin!

ELROND: Yes that's right. Very good Gimli.

PIPPIN: Always be prepared, that's my motto!

MERRY: Does that include carrying pipeweed with you?

PIPPIN: Sure thing!

[Pippin takes out two pipes filled with pipeweed and he and Merry start to smoke]

SAM: Are they allowed to do that?

ELROND: No! Put those away! [coughs twice]

FRODO: You wouldn't happen to have a third pipe with you?

ELROND: Can't you idiots read? [points to "No Smoking" sign] Put those pipes out, you're breaking yet another rule.

PIPPIN: Partypooper.

ELROND: That's Mr. Partypooper to you. Next question, whose name means fathiful jewel?

ARAGORN: [bangs his nonworking buzzer] I know!

ELROND: The rules read "If you're the first to buzz your buzzer you get to answer".

ARAGORN: Buzz!

GIMLI: You don't sound much like the real buzzer. This is how it sounds. [immitates the buzzer real well]

ELROND: Sorry Aragorn. Anyone who wants to try and answer?

ARAGORN: Me!

ELROND: Anyone besides Aragorn? You can get to answer when everyone who has a buzzer has tried. [buzzer] Sam.

SAM: Uhh... Legolas?

ELROND: No it's wr--

LEGOLAS: [cutting him off] Help! Aragorn is trying to use my buzzer!

[Elrond turns and sees Legolas doing everything he can to keep Aragorns hands away from his buzzer]

ELROND: Aragorn, stop that!

SAM: [to Frodo] He will soon forbid him to do that.

ELROND: I forbid you to do that!

SAM: [looking proud] What did I tell you?

MERRY: [hits his buzzer] Boromir.

ELROND: Correct.

ARAGORN: It's not fair! I knew all along. [bangs his hand in his chair which breaks]

FRODO: Nice going Strider.

ARAGORN: Oh great. So now I have to stand? Pippin, surrender your chair to your king!

ELROND: Aragorn you will get a new chair� [Aragorn opens his mouth to speak] � but not a buzzer.

[Elrohir gives aragorn new chair]

ELROND: Next question, which non-Elf member of the fellowship has the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox? [buzzer] Frodo.

FRODO: Gimli.

ELROND: Incorrect. [buzzer] Gandalf.

GANDALF: Boromir.

ELROND: Incorrect. [buzzer] Sam.

SAM: Boromir� Wait a minute Gandalf just said that. Do I get another guess?

ARAGORN: No!

ELROND: Anyone else who thinks he knows? [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: Aragorn?

ELROND: No! [buzzer] Gimli.

GIMLI: Merry.

ELROND: No! [buzzer] Legolas, please think�

LEGOLAS: [getting confused] Gandalf?

ELROND: No� [buzzer] Merry.

MERRY: Boromir.

ARAGORN: For the third time no!

ELROND: [sighs] No� [buzzer] Pippin.

ARAGORN: [to Pippin] As your king. I order you to answer wrong.

PIPPIN: [ignoring Aragorn] Gimli!

FRODO: I have already tried that.

SAM: Then who have we forgotten? [starts counting on fingers]

ELROND: [not that surprised] Aragorn you get to answer now.

ARAGORN: Yay! It's� it has to be� it should be� Damn! finally I get to answer and I do not know.

HALDIR: [from the audience] It's none of you since you didn't hear us coming in the forest!

ELROND: That's right. Now we--

MERRY: [interrupting] Does that mean that he will get a point?

ELROND: No he won't. And now it's time for a bonus question. If you answer correct you will get two points. It's not about someone in the fellowship directly since that would be unfair to that person since he is not allowed to answer the question.

ARAGORN: Fix my buzzer! I need those points!

ELROND: [still ignoring Aragorn]The qustion reads, what does it say on the One Ring? [buzzer] Pippin?

PIPPIN: Ash nazg durbatul�k, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatul�k agh burzum-ishi krimpatul. Or in common speech, "One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in darkness bind them". Which is just a part out of a longer verse; "Three rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, seven for the--"

ELROND: [interupting Pippin] Okay! You obviosly know the ring verse, what says on the Ring, how the whole verse goes including how it goes in Mordor. Which by the way I wish to kill you for having uttered here! The short verse would have been enough for you to get the points.

GANDALF: [looking surprised at Pippin] How do you know how to say the inscription in its original speech? I thought I was the only one in this fellowship how could do that.

PIPPIN: Tolkien dosn't know that in the books I also sneaked at the council of Elrond, only I did not make myself known like some others.

[Everyone gives Pippin strange looks, which Pippin completely ignores]

ELROND: Whatever, Pippin gets two points.

PIPPIN: Go Tooks!

ELROND: Now back to the original questions. There were three Brothers in Arms. One had a bow, Legolas, and one had a sword, Aragorn� Who was the third? [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: Gimli. With the axe.

ELROND: That's right. You get another point. Let's continue. And no shoe throwing.

ALL: Huh?

ELROND: I saw Aragorn aiming with his shoe� Don't forget Estel, I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.

ARAGORN: Sorry.

ELROND: Gandalf you don't happen to have one of those asprins on you?

GANDALF: No, I'm sorry. I've used them all.

ELROND: Oh well, I just have to go witho--

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off, pointing acusingly at Gandalf] He is doped!

LEGOLAS: I don't think that those asprin qualifies as a doping substance. And besides, you smoked just a while ago.

MERRY: That's different!

GIMLI: In which way?

MERRY: I wasn't smoking pot!

ELROND: Stop it! Stop it! Let's just move along so we can finish this during this age? Next question� Why am I never going to see Arwen ever again after I sail off to the west?

PIPPIN: [in shock] Is she mortally ill?

ELROND: No Pippin. Let me rephrase. Why does she decides to stay behind?

GIMLI: [hits buzzer] She gets seasick? [looks confused] Elrond I don't understand what this qustion has to do with the fellowship.

ELROND: Do I have to spell it out? Who is Arwen staying with in Middel-Earth?

SAM: Why can't she go with you? Don't you like your own daugther? And you call yourself a daddy!

ELROND: [getting frustrated] Who in the fellowship is Arwen married to?

LEGOLAS: What's with all the follow-up questions?

ELROND: What's the matter with you people, did an orc eat your brains? It's the same question all the way!

PIPPIN: Why didn't you say so from the beginning? You sure make the questions complicated.

ELROND: Beacause then-- [buzzer] � it would-- [buzzer again] � be to easy. And this time Merry will not cut me off!

MERRY: But I pushed the buzzer just like you told us to in the beginning!

ELROND: Oh sorry. Yes?

MERRY: Yes what?

ELROND: You wanted to answer�

MERRY: Yes. Aragorn!

ELROND: Correct and that gives you one more point, which gives you a total of four points. And by the way Aragorn, we have not forgiven you for taking Arwen away!

ARAGORN: Hey, what do you mean? I did everything you told me to! Here, look at my check-list! [takes out list] Reclaim throne of Gondor. Check. Claim throne of Anor. Check.

BOROMIR: You're always looking for an opportunity to brag, aren't you?

ARAGORN: Hey, just because I got the princess and the kingdom�

ELROND: Hey! Watch your mouth! This is not a fairy-tale, pal!

ARAGORN: Might as well be� And don't blame only me! Arwen has a will of her own. Well, more or less�

ELLADAN: What's that last part supposed to mean?

ARAGORN: Eh� Nothing?

PIPPIN: This should be interesting.

FRODO: Anyone got popcorn?

ARAGORN: I do. But hey! Whose side are you on?

ELROHIR: The more I think about it, the less sense it makes� If Arwen does have a free will� why forsake immortality for him?

ARAGORN: Hey! Legolas, stop that laughing! Elladan, I'm warning you--

MERRY: [cutting him off] That was Elrohir.

ARAGORN: [pauses] Hey how did you know that?

MERRY: Read the nametags.

ELROND: I think we're getting sidetracked here� [under breath] Sure was a good thing Arwen followed Galadriel to the House of Healing. She would not have liked this!

ARAGORN: Elrond, how come those two orcs of yours can insult me, and you do nothing about it?

ELLADN/ELROHIR: Orcs?

ARAGORN: � Oops� Bad choice of words.

BOROMIR: If I were you, I'd run my friend.

ARAGORN: I'll be right back! [runs off screaming]

ELLADAN: Get him!

MERRY/PIPPIN: For the Shire!

[Elladan races after Aragorn. Elrohir turns to Merry and Pippin]

ELROHIR: Who are you attacking?

PIPPIN: No one. That's your job. He just called you an orc, remember, but he didn't do anything to us!

MERRY: We kinda' got caught up in the moment. Now go catch that orc-caller.

ELROHIR: [running after Aragorn] Die, mortal!

ELROND: Yikes� Estel, you sure need a lot of hope right now� Eh� [to the viewers] We'll return tomorrow. If anyone has survived. [runs after his sons] Come back here! You can't kill the king, that's bad for the ratings!

MERRY: And think about how upset �owyn will be!

BOROMIR: Excuse me?

MERRY: Maybe I'll shut up now.

[The screen turns black]



Please leave a review, either by mail or by filling out the review form. We promise, this won't go forever on and on.

---

Back to Fanfics page
Home