"Who Knows Whom the Best Part 2"

MERRY: Welcome back to another episode of "Who Knows Whom the Best"! I, Meriadoc Brandybuck, will be your host today, as Elrond has had to be taken to the House of Healing. I hope this will be a lesson to him, do not take something from a Hobbit who has helped slay a Ringwraith. [blows his horn]

ARAGORN: The hands of the King are the hands of a healer.

BOROMIR: So how do you explain that they had to take him away?

ARAGORN: I� don't know! I'm a King, not a psychic!

[Galadriel enters and takes the horn from Merry. She sees the look he gives her and quickly hands it back]

GALADRIEL: I will not take the horn from you. But I will forbid you to blow it. I am now the hostess of this show! The score is now that Legolas, Samwise and Gandalf in the lead with two points each, followed by Aragorn, Meriadoc, Frodo and Gimli who each have one point. [looks up at the audience and notices the attention she's getting] This is fun, I could get used to this!

MERRY: But what about me?

GALADRIEL: You go back to the others and take part in the contest, like you're supposed to! And according to the new rules it is forbidden to blow horns. Have I made myself clear? Okay. Be seated, Meriadoc! The question reads, which one of the Hobbits published a book about herbal medicine? [buzzer] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Sam.

FRODO: You might think so. He is a good gardner [Sam nearly faints] He's actually one of the best in all Middle-Earth. [Sam faints]

GALADRIEL: [to Aragorn] Sorry longshanks. [looking at card] It's not the Hobbit that we are looking for. Can someone have a look at the one who fainted?

[Arwen goes to fainted Sam]

SAM: [looking up at Arwen] If your father where here he would add a new rule, fainting is forbidden.

ARWEN: No, I don't think it's necessary. But if it's possible, try not to.

GIMLI: [loud whisper] Is it Frodo or Merry? I mean it could not be Pippin. Right Legolas?

GALADRIEL: No helping each other out! [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: I think it's Merry.

GALADRIEL: Right and correct.

SAM: [a bit woosy] He thinks I'm good� The best�

FRODO: Pull yourself together Sam.

SAM: Whatever you say Mr. Frodo sir.

[Sam sits up in his chair and Arwen goes back to her seat]

GALADRIEL: That gives Boromir one point. Who in the fellowship says yrch and when? [buzz, buzz] Gimli!

GIMLI: Legolas� When he gets dirty� [everyone, except Legolas, laughs] Or when he hears or sees orcs.

GALADRIEL: [through hysterical laughter] Correct. Gimli, one point. Next question�

LEGOLAS: [whiny] I do not!

GIMLI: Sorry, sorry.

GALADRIEL: [having stopped laughing] So in the lead we still have Samwise, Gandalf and Gimli with two points each and close behind we have all others with one point. Except for Peregrin who has none. Okay. Whom in the fellowship was brought up by the Elves in Rivendell? [buzzer] Borormir.

BOROMIR: Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Why would the prince of Mirkwood be brought up in Rivendell?

BOROMIR: How should I know? You might have been a bad little Elf, unlike me who is the favourite son.

GALADRIEL: Wrong, Boromir. [buzzer] Frodo.

FRODO: Aragorn, also known as Estel by the Rivendell Elves.

GALADRIEL: Correct.

PIPPIN: Strider, it must have been quite fun growing up here! I always thought you were brought up by wolfs in the forest. When I saw you the first time I would never have dreamed that you were brought up at a place like this. I can almost imagine you being clean--

MERRY: [covering Pippin's mouth with his hand] Pippin for your own sake, hush! Continue Galadriel.

GALADRIEL: Thank you Meriadoc. Next question. The future son of which Hobbit in the fellowship will marry a daughter of Samwise? [buzzer] Aragorn?

ARAGORN: Merry?

GALADRIEL: Wrong. [buzzer] Legolas.

LEGOLAS: It can't be Frodo, since he sails of to the West, and it can be Sam's son since that would be gross� That leaves only� Pippin?

GALADRIEL: Peregrin, also known as Pippin, is the right answer.

GIMLI: It's hard to believe� I guess it's written in the appendix.

PIPPIN: [whiny] Whats that supposed to mean?

SAM: Pippin! If your future son does anything to hurt my little girl--

FRODO: Which one?

SAM: Either one! If he hurts her, I will take out all of my frying pans!!!

PIPPIN: If your daughter does anything to hurt my son, I� [realizes] Merry will take out his frying� sword!

SAM: Why would my daughter hurt your son?

ARAGORN: What's a frying sword? Some sort of Hobbit weapon? Or cooking device? Or both?

PIPPIN: I don't know, ask Merry!

MERRY: Hey, leave me out of this!

PIPPIN: [to Sam, angry] I suppose you think it will be my child hurting yours because mine will be the boy!

SAM: Well� now that's what I think! And we all know Tooks can't be trusted.

PIPPIN: What do you mean by that? Has your tiny brain forgotten that Merry and I came with Frodo and yourself, out of own free will and saved your lives and helped you out?

SAM: That just proves you're insane.

PIPPIN: Well let me tell you something, no son of mine will be raised to someone who hurts people!

SAM: And my daughter will?

PIPPIN: Well obviously! Otherwise, who's gonna hurt who?

MERRY: Is anyone else really confused right now?

[Sam and Pippin start yelling at each other while Merry occasionally throws in a comment that makes the argument more heated]

GALADRIEL: [fed-up, looking scary] Will you rugrats quiet down and stop this yapping, or I'll give you something to yap about! Stop this arguing at this instant or I will make sure neither one of you ever has children!

SAM: I already have children.

GALADRIEL: [raging] Don't get smart with me!

FRODO: Wow. Even scarier than in the movie!

LEGOLAS: Que?

GALADRIEL: I need a break� I need a break� Oh my elven nerves� Cut to commercial!



[Commercial Break]



[Elrond has now returned, with his arm in a cast and standing on crutches. Elladan and Elrohir are standing on either side of him to support him]

ELROND: Welcome back! I, Elrond, have now returned as your host, after a quick stop at the House of Healing, where Galadriel is at the moment seeing her psychiatrist. From what I understand Legolas is in lead with three points, Sam, Gandalf, Frodo and Gimli come second with two points and Aragorn, Merry and Boromir have one point [sarcastic] and to everybody's surprise Pippin has none! And there will be no more fighting about things that haven't yet happened. Got that?

[Pippin and Sam have calmed down, but neither one looks very happy with the other]

PIPPIN: [muttering under breath] "You can't trust a Took"� Who does he think he is?

ELROND: I heard that!

[Pippin quickly quiets and looks rather scared]

FRODO: Pssst! Aragorn! Which one is Elladan and which one is Elrohir?

ELROND: [glaring at Frodo] May we continue? Good! Next question. What does Gandalf battle at the bridge of Khazad-Dum? [buzzer] Gimli.

GIMLI: I know, I know� A balrog!

LEGOLAS: [screams loudly and gets everyone's attention] A balrog! [hides under his chair]

GANDALF: Legolas! There is no balrog here, so you can come out.

LEGOLAS: [takes his seat again] Sorry, but I think they are really scary.

PIPPIN: [whispering to Merry] What was the answer to the question?

MERRY: I dunno.

PIPPIN: Elrond! Elrond! [loud to get his attention] Elrond! Balrog--

[Pippin is cut off by a scream from Aragorn, who falls from his chair when Legolas takes cover again. The rest turn to look at Pippin]

ARAGORN: Don't ever do that again!

LEGOLAS: Me or Pippin?

ARAGORN: Both!

ELROND: You don't have to shout it out like that! I�

SAM: �will change the rules. No screaming allowed. [smiles big at Elrond]

ELROND: Right. [turns to Pippin] And you�

PIPPIN: You didn't hear me so I had to shout.

ELLADAN: He heard you, he was just ignoring you.

[Pippin looks offended]

ELROND: Next question! What present did Gimli recieve from Galadriel when leaving Lothl�rien? [buzzer] Sam.

SAM: A box of dirt!

MERRY: Dude, that was your gift.

SAM: Are you sure?

MERRY: Do you remember planting a bunch of trees with it?

SAM: Now that you mention it� Ooops!

ARAGORN: [hits buzzer] I know! He got three strains of her hair!

ELROND: Correct.

GIMLI: [screams in terror] Oh no! I can't find the hair! Someone has stolen the hair! Nobody leaves the room! Okay! Who did it? Who did it? [to Boromir] It was you, wasn't it?

BOROMIR: Me?

GIMLIL: You were jealous of my gift! Admit it!

[Gimli storms into the middle of the room, shouting and screaming]

GIMLI: Who has it? Who has it?

LEGOLAS: [yawning] Did you check your inner right pocket?

GIMLI: [does so] It's not here.

LEGOLAS: Third pocket from the left.

GIMLI: [searches] Yay! I found it! I found it! Here it is!

ELROND: [sarcastic] Now that this extreme emegency is taken care of maybe we can proceed! Moving along� Who is son to the ruler of Gondor? [buzzer, sigh] Yes Pippin?

PIPPIN: Boromir!

ELROND: No that's incorrect. Anyone else?

ELROHIR: But� it says Boromir on the card.

ELROND: [confused] What did Pippin say, again?

PIPPIN: [upset] Boromir!

ELROND: Are you sure?

ELROHIR: Yeah. He said Boromir.

ELROND: Okay then�

ARAGORN: But waaaaaaaaiiiit a minute here! [picks up crown] I have the crown of Gondor. Which would make my son Eldarion the correct answer.

GIMLI: Your son isn't a member of the fellowship.

ARAGORN: So?

BOROMIR: My daddy ruled Gondor! I am a correct answer!

ARAGORN: Are you related to Isildur?

BOROMIR: No.

ARAGORN: Then you're an incorrect answer!

BOROMIR: Am not!

ARAGORN: Are too!

BOROMIR: Am not!

ARAGORN: Are too!

BOROMIR: Not, not, not, not, not�

ARAGORN: Too, too, too, too, too�

PIPPIN: [furious] Elrond! Make them shut up and give me my point!

ELROND: Sorry Aragorn, Boromir is the correct answer to this question.

BOROMIR: Ha!

ARAGORN: [grumpy] Just you wait�

PIPPIN: So I get a point?

ELROND: Yes you get a point.

PIPPIN: Yay! [does victory dance]

ELROND: Very good Pippin. One whole point. Be seated! Next question! Who told Sam not to leave Frodo? [buzzer] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Gildor Inglorion!

ELROND: Yes that is correct.

GANDALF: No! It is not! It was I who told him not to leave Frodo. Right Frodo?

FRODO: No, I think it was Gildor. Wasn't it?

ARAGORN: Yay!

FRODO: It was Gildor. I'm sure of it. Right Pippin?

PIPPIN: You want my opinion? Wow! Well it was Glorofindel, wasn't it?

MERRY: Uhhhh� No. Glorofindel was the one who came and rescued Frodo after Weathertop. Remember?

PIPPIN: Potayto, potahto.

GANDALF: I'm pretty sure it was me! At Bag End! I mentioned it to you Gimli, didn't I? [wink]

GIMLI: [hesitating] Nnnnn� [sees Gandalf's look] Sure you told me!

LEGOLAS: I'm with Aragorn on this one. It had to be an Elf!

GIMLI: Now I'm really agreeing with Gandalf!

SAM: Actually--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Well I'm sure it was Gildor! Pippin told me.

GANDALF: Pippin just said he thought it was Glorofindel!

MERRY: Potayto, potahto.

SAM: Guys, I--

BOROMIR: [cutting him off] I think it was Gandalf. Because it's a very Gandalf-y thing to say. Plus Sam talks in his sleep and he said--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Sam has also said in his sleep that he likes to dress in pink, but that doesn't make it true!

SAM: Excuse me!

FRODO: It has to be Gildor.

GANDALF: Me!

MERRY: Gildor!

GIMLI: Gandalf!

LEGOLAS: Gildor the Elf!

BOROMIR: Gandalf!

PIPPIN: Glorofindel!

ALL: No!

SAM: Hey! Why don't you ask me?

FRODO: Oh what would you know about it?

ELLADAN: [to Elrohir] I wonder if they're always this stupid?

ELROND: Will you stop this arguing! Now! So we can--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Stay out of it!

ELROND: [loud voice] The correct answer is Gildor so everyone just sit down and stop this argu--

SAM: [cutting Elrond off, angry] If anyone knows the right answer it's me!

PIPPIN: Why?

MERRY: [annoyed] Pippin!

ELROND: I am the allmighty judge and I rule in favor of Aragorn. Moving along� Whose clothes were confiscated by Sauron?

PIPPIN: That's a dirty question!

FRODO: What does confiscated mean?

SAM: [hits buzzer] Pippin!

ELROND: [giving him a you're-stupid look] Uh, no.

SAM: But� [thinks] Pippin was at the Black Gates� and not in his Hobbit clothes�

FRODO: What does confiscated mean?

ARAGORN: [bangs his buzzer really hard] I know! Frodo!

SAM: No. If it were Mister Frodo I would have known the answer.

ARAGORN: But it was Mister Frodo! I mean, Frodo!

ELROND: Frodo is the right answer.

SAM: [breaking into tears] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo�

ELROHIR: Maybe they're not as close as one might have thought after the counsil.

[Sam cries harder]

ELLADAN: Nice going, bro. You made the cry baby cry harder.

ELROND: Stop crying! Stop it right now or I will forbid it!

SAM: [makes a huge effort and stops crying] I'm sorry Mr. Frodo!

FRODO: For what? And can someone please tell me what confiscated means?

PIPPIN: Remember that time when you woke up in a tower all naked and your clothes had been brought to Sauron?

FRODO: Yeah.

MERRY: [overly clear] Con-fi-sca-ted.

ELROND: Let's see now, that means Aragorn has another point and is now in the lead with four points!

ARAGORN: Yeah baby! Go me!

ELROND: Next question. Who--

MERRY: [cutting him off, whiny] How long are we going to play this game? I'm hungry!

PIPPIN: Now that you mention it�

FRODO: I could use a snack!

ELROND: Oh no!

GIMLI: I'm really hungry too!

ELROND: Oh no you're not! Eat some lembas and pipe down! I want no more--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Dictator.

ELROND: Blabber mouth!

MERRY: She elf!

ARAGORN: [to both] Childish!

ELROND: [to Merry] Tag-along!

MERRY: Horn stealer!

ELROND: Interrupt--

MERRY: I never interrupt people!

ELLADAN: Would you just cut it out? Manw�!

MERRY: Don't call me by nicknames!

ELROHIR: He wasn't talking to you.

ELROND: No he wasn't. And soon I'll be adding a new rule. No interrupting people!

MERRY: You're one to talk!

SAM: [rolling eyes] I didn't see that one coming.

ELROND: [to himself] Remember to count to ten, count to ten� [deep breath] Right� Where were we?

ELLADAN: In the middle of a quiz show.

ELROND: Not funny!

SAM: Hi hi!

ELROND: Quiet you! Now. Who does not like riding horses? [buzzer] Lego-- [loud buzzer interrupts him] Aragorn, I already gave Legolas the question.

LEGOLAS: If you hit that buzzer any harder I'll develope tinnitus! And remember, I'll live forever. Forever is a long time to have tinnitus!

ELROND: Just answer the question or you'll end up like Glorofindel. We will replace you with Arwen and no one will ever know you existed.

LEGOLAS: [gulp, pause] Yeah, the correct answer here is Boromir.

BOROMIR: Me?

LEGOLAS: Well you're the only one I never saw on a horse!

ARAGORN: Ha ha! You got it wrong!

[Frodo hits buzzer before Aragorn can]

ARAGORN: Oh man! Is that the thanks I get, Frodo Baggins?

FRODO: [ignoring Aragorn completely] The correct answer is Gimli!

GIMLI: And I am hurt that Legolas didn't know that!

LEGOLAS: But� but� [looks from Boromir to Gimli]

ELROND: Yes, Gimli is the correct answer.

LEGOLAS: But� but�

PIPPIN: Even I knew that!

LEGOLAS: But� [to Gimli, accusingly] You lied to me!

GIMLI: What? When?

LEGOLAS: You told me you enjoyed riding with me! Don't you remember all those times, you and me, riding on Arod, off to be brave and manly in battle� And we would talk about Fangorn, and the Glittering Caves, and how funny Sam looks in his elf cape�

SAM: Excuse me?

LEGOLAS: The point is, you lied!

GIMLI: Well maybe I like riding with you!

ARAGORN: A-ha! Thus Frodo was wrong! Now it is my turn to answer!

[Aragorn bangs his buzzer hard but is interrupted by Merry's buzzer]

ELROND: I have a headache! Neither of you will get to answer because Gimli is the correct answer. No matter what he says about it!

GIMLI: I'm with Merry, the guy's a dictator! Who does he think he is? Our mother? He does look like it in that silly dress. Right Merry?

ELLADAN: [to Elrohir] What do we do about the Dwarf? We cannot let him insult our Father like that!

ELROHIR: But what about the others? They have insulted him too.

ELLADAN: He is a Dwarf.

ELROHIR: I'll hold him, you hit?

GIMLI: Legolas! Are you going to let them do that to me?

LEGOLAS: Maybe.

GIMLI: But I just said I liked riding with you!

LEGOLAS: Elladan, Elrohir� Dwarfs might have awakened evil in the mountains and they may look ugly--

GIMLI: [cuts him off] Well excuse me, Miss Supermodell!

LEGOLAS: Elves and Dwarfs don't always get along but let's not fight! Not here! You can write him an angry letter tomorrow, but right now can we please move on?

ELROND: Thank you� And now--

MERRY: [cuts him off] Let's not fight? All we've done so far is fight!

PIPPIN: Is Gimli the correct answer?

FRODO: Yes, you moron!

ELROND: Do you need to read the bloody cards in order to understand the correct answer?

PIPPIN: Fine! [crosses arms, sulking]

ELROND: Now. We� [looks at wristwatch] Oh! Look how late it is! We're all out of time! And they said that this would only take thirty minutes� Yeah, right! Okay. We will continue this, but for you viewers it will be a while. Tune in tomorrow to see how it all ended. Hopefully. [to Gimli] And you, master Dwarf! Be on your guard! Elladan and Elrohir are my sons, and therefore they can be dangerous!

GIMLI: [dives behind Legolas] Stop them, Legolas!

LEGOLAS: Gimli. They won't maim you now! We still have another half hour to cover!

ELROND: What a horrible truth that is! [to viewers] Watch us tomorrow, as we find out who knows who the best in the Fellowship of the Ring!



Please leave a review, either by mail or by filling out the review form. No real Elronds were damaged during this filming. Have a nice day!

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