"Who Knows Whom the Best"
Spoiler warning: This fanfic includes spoilers for the entire trilogy including the appendix.
[Elrond enters an the audience is cheering]
ELROND: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to "Who Knows Whom the Best" with the Fellowship of the
Ring! And our contestants, and fellowship members, are Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc
Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Boromir son of Denethor, Legolas son of
Thranduil, Gimli son of Gl�in and Gandalf son of... uh, son of... here they are!
[The fellowship enters and take their places]
ELROND: Okay, first the rules. You will be given a number of questions concerning the members
of your fellowship. If you know the answer, hit the buzzer in front of you and if you're the
first to buzz your buzzer you get to answer. If you get it wrong the question moves on to the
next one who buzzes. You get one point for a correct answer, and the one who has the most points
in the end is our winner. You are not allowed to answer questions about yourself.
And it is also forbidden to cheat, which is why Pippin is not allowed to use the palant�r...
Please give it to me Pippin!
[Pippin gives palant�r to Elrond]
ELROND: First question, who was the ringbearer? [buzzer] Sam?
SAM: Mr. Frodo!
ELROND: That's right one point. Second question. [buzzer] Pippin I haven't read the question
yet...
PIPPIN: Sorry...
ELROND: Okay... Who's got blonde hair and-- [buzzer interrupts him] Aragorn?
ARAGORN: Legolas!
LEGOLAS: Objection! We don't know what my hair colour is for sure, for it is never mentioned!
ELROND: True, but you have blond hair in the movie and the rest of the question reads
"and resides in Mirkwood".
LEGOLAS: Okay then...
ELROND: Who has a sister named Pearl? [buzzer] Merry.
MERRY: Pippin.
Elrond: Correct.
[The audience cheers, as they always do when someone scores a point. Aragorn, Gimli,
Boromir and Legolas aren't cheering however, they look displeased]
GIMLI: You never told us that, so how were we supposed to know?
PIPPIN: Read the appendix.
[Pippin yelps as two swords, one axe and two arrows point at him from members of the fellowship
who obviously didn't read the appendix]
ELROND: Calm down or I will send you off to Mordor. One point to Merry.
Next question. Which one of the Hobbits would be most likely to skip a meal?
[long pause] Shall I repeat the question? [buzzer] Aragorn.
ARAGORN: I think it's Merry.
ELROND: Wrong... [buzzer] Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Frodo?
ELROND: Wrong again... [buzzer] Gimli.
GIMLI: Pippin?
ELROND: Wrong again! [buzzer] Boromir.
BOROMIR: It's got to be Sam.
ELROND: No that's wrong too...
[Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Boromir all look mighty confused. Pippin hits his buzzer]
ELROND: Pippin you're not allowed to answer questions concerning Hobbits.
PIPPIN: But I'm obviously not the correct answer at this question!
ELROND: That doesn't matter. [buzzer] Gandalf?
GANDALF: None of them.
ELROND: Finally correct. Next question...
PIPPIN: I'm hungry.
ELROND: That proves--
MERRY: [cuts Elrond off] I'm also hungry...
SAM: And so am I...
ELROND: [trying not to lose his temper] The longer you whine about it the longer it will be before
we're done and you can go have dinner! Next question! Who got stabbed by a cave--
[buzzer cuts him off]
SAM: Mr. Frodo!
ELROND: Correct Sam. Now, let's go into some random "Lord of the Rings" trivia!
BOROMIR: That's not what this game show is supposed to be about.
ELROND: Oh cork it, I decide which questions belong or not! It's one of the priviliges of being
the host! And the trivia concerns you all. Now, what is the Elvish word for friend? [buzzer]
Yes, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Mellon.
BOROMIR: Great, now you remember the word!
GANDALF: What are you talking about? I never had any problem remembering it. Just figuring out
that mellon was the password!
FRODO: [proudly] Which you managed to do thanks to me.
ELROND: One poin--
MERRY: [interrupting Elrond again] Excuse me Frodo. But it was I who helped Gandalf, haven't you
read the book? Page 297 if memory serves me right. You only help him out in the movie.
PIPPIN: I thought it was I who helped Gandalf...
MERRY: No Pip, you were the one who annoyed him so much that he wanted to knock your head against
the doors.
PIPPIN: [remembering] Yeah, that's right.
LEGOLAS: Okay, we can agree on the fact that it was Frodo in the movie and Merry in the book,
right? Then we can move along to a more relevant subject. Like why Gandalf didn't ask me
for the password. I thought my ears gave it away that I am an Elf and that Elves
speak Elvish.
GIMLI: [grabbing axe] Are you saying that you knew the password all along?
FRODO: You could have told it earlier back there and that watcher wouldn't have touched me.
Thanks a lot!
GIMLI: We sat out there the whole time and you didn't say a word! Come Frodo and let Sting
accompany you. We'll show that non-speaking Elf!
[Frodo draws Sting and Legolas jumps away from an angry Gimli]
LEGOLAS: Aragorn! Help! Calm him down!
ARAGRN: Me? You're the one who's best friends with him!
GANDALF: Aragorn let the Dwarf chase him for awhile! [laughs slyly]
[Legolas isn't too happy about the situation, he picks up an arrow and aims it at Gimli who
stops]
LEGOLAS: Calm down!
ARAGORN: Now calm down both of you!
ELROND: How you guys made it to Amon Hen without bludgeoning each other makes no sense at all
to me. One point for Gandalf, and be seated, all of you!
MERRY: It should be our point. That old wizard wouldn't know the answer without me!
[Frodo harks] And Frodo in the movie.
GANDALF: Okay so you did one good thing--
SAM: One? One? One?! Excuse me but who took the ring to Mordor?
It was Mr. Frodo, and that was not just one good thing.
[Sam looks angry at Gandalf and reaches for a frying pan. Gimli, who has now been accompanied
by Frodo and Sting, is aiming at Legolas who has a hard time deciding whom of the two to aim at.
Pippin is hungry and starts to complain so loudly that Boromir decides to do something about it
and draws his sword. When he does that Merry draws his at Boromir. Aragorn is standing in the
middle and tries to calm the others down but no one listens so he gets so he gets angry and
draws And�ril]
ELROND: Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!
[Commercial Break]
ELORND: Welcome back. The score is that Sam and Gandalf are in the lead with two points each.
Second are Merry and Aragorn with one point each, and the rest remain at zero points.
And now there has been a new rule added. No weapons allowed and that also includes frying pans.
And now, as the Hobbits have finished yet another meal, we are ready to proceed. Our next
question goes... Who liked Bill the pony the most, and had a knick for throwing apples?
[buzzer] Frodo.
FRODO: Sam.
ELROND: That's right, on--
SAM: [cuts him off] Mister Frodo! [runs over and hugs him] You like me...
[hugs him tighter]
FRODO: [clenched] A... kingdom... for a... mithril shirt...
ELROND: Sam, you're not allowed to hug your fellow contestants. So let go of Frodo.
And I mean now! There... Next question who is also known as Storm Crow? [buzzer] Pippin.
PIPPIN: [happy grin] Aragorn!
ELROND: Sorry, wrong answer.
PIPPIN: Are you sure? [turns to Aragorn]
ARAGORN: Uh, let me see... [mumbeling, listing on fingers] Aragorn, Strider, Estel,
Elessar, Dunedain... nope not me.
[Pippin doesn't look as happy anymore. Legolas hits his buzzer]
LEGOLAS: It's Gandalf.
ELROND: Correct Legolas, your first point.
[Female audience cheering and Legolas bows gracefully for them]
SAM: Gandalf I thought you were called Grey Pilgrim, Mithrandir, Ol�rin and... and...
FRODO: ... Thark�n and Inc�nus!
SAM: Right! Thanks Mister Frodo! Thrakr�n and Inc�stus.
GANDALF: Right... Those too, I'm popular you know. And I like having lots of names,
the more the merrier!
ELROND: Moving on... Whom in the fellowship is loved by �owyn? [buzzer] Boromir?
BOROMIR: Faramir!
PIPPIN: Is Faramir a part of the fellowship? Is he? [looks at Merry]
ELROND: No his not young Hobbit, Boromir got the answer wrong.
BOROMIR: But they got married! That means that she must love him. Meriadoc you know the Lady,
she does like Faramir doesn't she?
MERRY: Yes she does.
BOROMIR: You see, I was right Elrond.
ELROND: [under his breath] Now I understand why Tolkien killed you of relatively early.
[buzzer] Gimli.
GIMLI: Aragorn.
ELROND: Correct!
BOROMIR: But why? What does she see in him? What does he have, that my brother doesn't have?
ARAGORN: Well, were to start... I'm king! Plus I look good, and there's nothing
strange about her loving me.
GIMLI: [rolling eyes] You forgot to mention modest. You sure like the attention.
ARAGORN: Oh yes... [notices the if-looks-could-kill look from Elrond] I mean no!
No, no, no, no, no!
ELROND: One point to Gimli.
ARAGORN: ... No, no, no, no, no, no!
I definitely do like �owyn. No, I mean don't, don't! I don't like �owyn.
MERRY: I happen to know her very well and she is niece to king Th�oden who I also happen to
know very well, so if you insult her you insult Th�oden and therefor you insult me.
Come on Pippin. For Th�oden!
PIPPIN: But I don't know Th�oden!
MERRY: Pippin, you're ruining my angry attack! You can attack him for the beer in Bree or
something!
PIPPIN: Okay! Chaaaaaaaarge!
[Merry and Pippin run against Aragorn. Pippin accidentally trips over Gimli's axe and sprains his
ankle]
ARAGORN: Merry calm down. I don't hate her, I think she's a very nice girl and a very brave
one too.
MERRY: [calming down] Oh. That's a relief then, I thought I would have to kill you. I've offed
the ringwraiths' Witch King, so a guy like you wouldn't have been such a big deal!
[leads Pippin back]
PIPPIN: Oww, my poor hobbit ankle.
ELROND: Now, next question. Whom in the fellowship has a horn? [buzzer] Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Boromir.
ELROND: Correct Legolas, one more point. That's good, remember that you represent the Elves.
It is a highly--
MERRY: [interrupting Elrond once again, upset] I too have a horn!
[Everyone turns to Merry]
MERRY: I too have a horn. A horn which I received from the hands of the white lady of Rohan!
[takes out his horn and blows it]
LEGOLAS: Ahh! My poor elven ears! The horror!
ELROND: Meriadoc Brandybuck, stop that right now! [takes Merry's horn]
MERRY: No one takes the possession of a Brandybuck! You will not get away with this!
PIPPIN: I'm right behind you!
MERRY/PIPPIN: For the Shire!
[Pippin kicks Elrond on the knee]
BOROMIR: I hate it when he does that.
PIPPIN: Owww! My ankle!
[Merry and Pippin jump on Elrond and wrestle him down]
BOROMIR: That's gotta hurt.
[The screen goes blurry. A textline appears that reads "Temporary technical problems".
After a few seconds the screen goes black and the text reads "To be continued"]
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