"Further Lessons"
Alas! Though I tried not to, looks as if this chapter is more Legolas- centered than the others. But if that’s what you people want… NEwayz, here it is! Much thanks goes to Anna (I had completely forgotten about the snow thing) and Lilla My for the suggestions used in this fic. Thanks also to everybody else who reviewed and gave their own suggestions! Got any more? BTW, sorry if I insulted anyone with the P.E.T.H. thing. It just worked so well!
Comment: Cille, thank you for the suggestions! I especially liked the one you gave for Sam. ^_~
Now, without further ado, I present you the most not funny of the three chapters so far!
SPOILER WARNING: Lesson Six contains a small spoiler for RotK
*~*~*
Lesson One
Sharpening Your Archery Skills
With Legolas Greenleaf
Legolas: Hello, and welcome back to one of the most popular lessons! Today, we have some dwarf-shaped targets set up around the area. While not quite as fun to practice on as my late assistant, just try to imagine one of them as him, and your aim will almost always be better. *winks*
Gimli: Legolas! I’m back from the dead! I think you must have accidentally shot me earlier!
Legolas: Aaaahh!!!! *empties quiver into dwarf*
Frodo: *whispering* I told you it would work.
Pippin: *whispering* You’re a genius, Frodo. I had no idea Legolas would think one of these little targets was Gimli if we imitated his voice!
Frodo: *whispering* He’s paranoid.
Legolas: *whispering* He’s also right behind you.
Hobbits: Aaaaaaaahhh!!
Lesson Two
On P.E.T.H.
With Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took
Frodo: This is very undignified.
Merry: Welcome to my life. I’ve been tied to this tree for three days now.
Pippin: I’m hungry…
Sam: We have rights, you know.
Aragorn: Not when you mess with the two royal members of your group.
Legolas: *smirk*
Frodo: Wait, Sam’s right! What about P.E.T.H.?
Aragorn: What’s that?
Sam: People for the Ethical Treatment of Hobbits. ^__^ Just wait ‘til we report you guys!
Merry: Yeah, I can see it now: WANTED! Dead or Alive. Strider and Legolas. For tying four hobbits to a tree and making them miss up to… *calculates for a second* 20 meals! Do you know what the penalty for that is, royalty or not?
Frodo: You get to cook, serve, and clean up after every meal we eat for the next year!
Aragorn & Legolas: *gulp*
*~*~*
Frodo: Works every time.
Sam: Yup. P.E.T.H. forever!
Pippin: But there’s no such thing as—-
Other Hobbits: Shhhh!!!!
Lesson Three
Walking On Snow (Requested By Anna)
With Legolas Greenleaf and the overly bored Boromir of Gondor
Legolas: Greetings! Welcome to my second lesson! This time, I will explain how to walk upon snow. It happens that Elves are light, and have slight magical powers, so therefore we don’t sink in the snow. When walking on snow—-
Boromir: Um, what’s the purpose of this lesson again? No one but Elves can walk on snow. That means they- *points at you, the reader* -won’t be able to do it, no matter what you teach them.
Legolas: Oh, yes, I had forgotten about that small detail. ^___^;;;; Here, have some snowshoes.
Boromir: I wonder if the Halflings need snowshoes? You’d think their feet are big enough that they could use them to stay on top of the snow.
Legolas: That truly is a good question. Let’s gather up some of the hobbits and test a few theories.
*~*~*
Legolas: So what we’re going to do, Merry, is set you down on the snow and see if you stay on top or you sink.
Merry: Nnooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Legolas: I don’t know what you’re worried about. It’s just snow. *places Merry on top of the snow*
Merry: *sinks down to the bottom of the 15 foot snowdrift* AaaaaIiiiiiii…
Boromir: Well, from our research, it looks like Halflings need snowshoes. *shot of four hobbit-sized holes in the top of the snow bank*
Legolas: You’re getting them out, Boromir. By the way, what lesson did the readers learn from this?
Boromir: Unless you’re an Elf, don’t try walking where there’s snow, or you’ll have very cold legs.
Legolas: Works for me.
Lesson Four
On Falling From Dwarven Bridges
With Gandalf the Grey
Gandalf: I don’t like the subject matter of this lesson.
Legolas: I do! Let’s hear the fine art of falling to our deaths, Mithrandir! *sits cross-legged in front of him*
Gandalf: *sigh* The first thing you have to do is be engaged in a battle with a Balrog. Then, break the bridge you happen to be standing on. Once the Balrog falls, turn away. When its whip grabs your leg, fall backwards into the giant black chasm beneath you, stopping your downward trip just long enough to totally break the hearts of your comrades.
Legolas: *taking notes* Totally break hearts… Got it! So, Mithrandir, how do you feel about the entire ‘fall into shadow’ thing?
Gandalf: In retrospect, it was incredibly stupid.
*the rest of the Fellowship nods in agreement to this statement*
Lesson Five
On Returning To Your Throne (After An Entire Life of Exile)
With Aragorn, Son of Arathorn/King Elessar of Gondor
Aragorn: Do I actually get to talk this time?
*everyone nods*
Aragorn: Good. I am a direct descendent of Isildur, King of Gondor, through a long untainted lineage of strong kings. When, in the year 2050 of the Third Age, King Eärnur rode to Minas Morgul, childless, and was lost, Mardil became the first Ruling Steward. But now that a true descendent has returned, Gondor can once again have a king.
Pippin: Zzzzzz… Huh? Oh, you’re done.
Boromir: But if Eärnur was childless, how can you be a direct descendent?
Frodo: Yes, how does that work?
Aragorn: >.< I don’t know. I just am, all right?
Sam: I’m taking a vote. Everyone who votes not to let Aragorn do any more lessons, say aye.
All Hobbits: Aye!
Legolas: Aye.
Boromir: Definitely aye.
Gandalf: Zzzzzz…
Sam: It’s official. No more lessons for you, Aragorn.
Aragorn: You just wait until I’m king.
Lesson Six
On Not Being Dead When Everyone Thinks You Are (Requested By Lilla My)
With Frodo Baggins
Frodo: Being stabbed by a Morgul-blade. Being impaled by a cave troll. Being stripped of clothing and locked away in a fortress of Sauron. These are all death sentences. But not for me! I can play dead very well, and it scares the living daylights out of my companions every time I do it! But I’ve escaped death so many times, I can only come to one conclusion.
Sam: What’s that, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: I’m invincible.
Sam: o.O Uh, Mr. Frodo…
Boromir: Cool! Let’s send him over the Falls of Rauros and see what happens!
Gandalf: You will do no such thing, Boromir.
Boromir: Darn.
Frodo: Bwahahaha! Invincible!
Sam: Mr. Gandalf, sir, he’s scaring me.
Legolas: He’s scaring us all, Sam.
*~*~*
D45: Here we go again! Legolas, what did you learn today?
Legolas: What didn’t I learn? Okay, I learned hobbits are evil, but they can’t walk on snow. I learned how to fall off a bridge in style. And I learned Aragorn is really boring.
D45: I agree. Frodo, did you learn anything?
Frodo: I am invincible. Fear me.
D45: Oh yes, I forgot. How ‘bout you, Pippin?
Pippin: There is some strange organization named P.E.T.H. that I don’t know about.
Aragorn & Legolas: You don’t? *glare at the other hobbits*
Other Hobbits: *gulp*
D45: This can’t be good. Merry! What did you learn?
Merry: *shivers* Snowdrifts are cold.
D45: How true. Sam, did you gain any knowledge?
Sam: Mr. Frodo’s mentally unstable.
D45: We’ve known that for a long time, Sam. Aragorn?
Aragorn: Can I ask the readers for a repeal of the vote cast in Lesson Five?
D45: Sure. Readers, should Aragorn be allowed to do another lesson? Boromir, your turn.
Boromir: Halflings need snowshoes. And Aragorn needs a better story if he’s gonna convince anyone he’s king.
D45: I know. And last but not least, Gandalf!
Gandalf: I learned to stay away from thin bridges in abandoned dwarven halls when there’s a Balrog behind you.
D45: That might be wise. Well, that’s it for a while! Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I’ll take more suggestions, if any of you have any! Y’all are great! Not a single flame yet! Well, send me your ideas, I appreciate them. As you might have noticed, this fic contains only lessons from the Fellowship. I was wondering if I should start a new one about the other LotR characters. What do you guys think? Again, suggestions would be nice!! You can leave your comments using the review form Thanks again! Have a nice day/night!
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