Click.
" Ugh, thank you," Gary said gratefully.
" I wish they'd just leave us alone!" Sarah grumbled.
Lauren rolled her eyes. " They better not follow you guys to this party tonight! And I can't believe I'm letting you drag me out on Buffy night!"
" Come on!" Brian said, grabbing Lauren by the arm and pulling her into the bathroom. " You'll have FUN. You can be our personal Can Of Backstreet Whup-Ass. Now let's get you ready."
At 6:30pm the limo arrived to take them to the exclusive Hollywood music party, which was being held at a secret location. Excitement grew in the leather-upholstered backseat as they neared their destination; however, when they got there, disaster hit them just inside the door.
" Names please," ordered the bouncer, checking his clipboard.
" Gary Nelson."
" Sarah Evans."
" Brian Miller."
" Richard Lenier."
" Lauren Fouste."
The beefy bouncer rapidly checked off their names and opened the door. Instantly the pulsating beat of Curve's Chinese Burn hit them and filled them with the urge to dance. They freaked their way into the center of the room, momentarily dominating the attention of all. Then a familiar high-pitched voice shattered their eardrums.
" Hey guys! There you are!"
They turned to see Nick Carter and the rest of the BSB heading straight for them.
Except Howie. Nobody liked him, so he was on vacation. The peasants rejoiced.
" Um, Lauren," Brian said hastily, " we'll see you, uh, later. We have an elsewhere to be." Then he took off with Gary, Sarah, and Richard.
The BSB scuttled close behind them.
Lauren was watching the action when she felt three fingers tap her on the shoulder. She turned.
" Hi," Devon said, grinning horribly and temporarily blinding everyone with his funky teeth. " We're LFO."
Lauren immediately started snickering. She pointed at them. " Little Fugly Ones," she stated, then ran away, fearing Jennifer Love Hewitt's wrath.
Meanwhile, Brian, Sarah, Richard, and Gary had found hiding places from Kevin, A.J., Brian, and Nick respectively. Joey Fatone of N'Sync eyed A.J.'s manly woman cowering beneath the artichoke dip and got his first idea ever. N'Sync would steal the BSB's obsessions for themselves. The idea, however, did not go over well with his compadres.
" That's WHACK homie," cried Justin.
" Yeah, who'd want something in poor enough taste for the BSB to like?" J.C. added.
' This resembles a challenge' Joey thought. ' Well my doubtful companions, I shall show you who will be the victor here!'
" Duh, I'm gonna go... over there," said Joey as he headed for the dip.
Joey walked over to the table and peeked beneath it, to where the dip was hiding. " Duh, hi," he greeted Sarah.
" Wow! Joey! N'Sync! ... Wow!" the redhead responded, hyperventilating.
Joey crawled under the table with her. Not a word was spoken, which was good, any more might have ruined Joey's chances anyway. They began macking furiously. Outside, the fireworks went off, as they do everytime N'Sync scores.
Minutes later, Joey walked into the coat room to get his jacket. He began rummaging through the pile of clothes on the bed, only to find Brian Miller curled up under them.
" Don't let Kevin get me... Don't let Kevin get me... Don't let Kev-mmfph!"
Again, Joey did not speak. He simply pushed the blonde boy on his back and kissed him passionately while groping his lucious breasts. Brian pulled the coats back over them as the fireworks exploded once more.
Then Joey walked outside. He heard strange noises emanating from the dumpster down the alley, so he went to investigate. Digging in the trash bin he found Nick; and Gary was hiding behind it.
" Damn you Gary Nelson! I know you're in here!" Nick squeaked.
Joey moved behind the dumpster to Gary, 'accidentally' slamming the lid shut.
" Duh, hey, wanna make out?" Joey asking.
" Um, okay!" Gary replied.
They macked wildly atop the dumpster. In the background Nick could faintly be heard banging on the dumpster lid and yelling. In the sky, the fireworks exploded. Then a spark landed in Joey's hair and the combination of dye, gel, and hairspray caused it to ignite. Joey screamed as his head became one giant fireball.
" Ack!! Hot burny ouch thing!" he cried in fear and confusion.
Then Gary got an idea. " Don't worry! CAPTAIN FUN will save you!!" and Gary proceeded to jack off until the fire was out.
When later asked about the incident, Joey responded, " Fire? What's fire?"
Mangled and morose, the BSB regrouped at the party's hub. All were about to give up hope, when suddenly they caught sight of the girl of their dreams across the room. They stared, drooled, and nearly passed out just watching her. Then they blinked and she was gone, a very murderous-looking JLH stalking past the spot where she had been.
The boys turned to each other. " Who's that girl?!" they all questioned in unison.
5:17am, two days after the party. The phone in Lauren's room of the classy Beverly Hills home she and her friends shared began to ring. Lauren rolled over and picked up the receiver.
" Hello...?" she mumbled groggily.
" I've been thinking about you all night... Please Lauren... Please..."
" NO KEVIN I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU!!!" Lauren screamed before slamming down the phone.
7:42am. Lauren stumbled down into the kitchen where the others were eating breakfast.
" Which one was it THIS morning?" Sarah asked. " We could here you all through the house."
" Oh yes," Richard added. " I want to know which one to blame for my deafness."
Lauren blushed and grinned sheepishly. " Um, sorry guys..." she said. " It was Kevin. How'd they get MY number anyways?"
Just then, the phone rang.
" If it's one of THEM, I'm not home!!!!" Lauren cried as she dove under the table.
Gary answered the phone. " Hello? No way! Hi!! Of course! Tonight? Sure! See you at eight! Bye!"
The others looked at him expectantly.
" Um, you know how I told you I got with a member of N'Sync at that party?" Gary explained, turning red. " Well, my secret N'Syncian just asked me out!"
" No way!! Ahhhh!!" screamed Sarah while she and Richard and Brian were jumping up and down.
Lauren smiled and rolled her eyes. " So Gary, exactly which one is it anyway?"
" He said he didn't want me to tell anyone about us yet. Sorry," Gary replied.
" So how are you two meeting tonight?" asked Brian.
" He's sending a cab that'll drop me off at the restaurant."
Just then, the phone rang again.
" Hello?" Lauren answered. Pause...
" NO A.J. I WILL NOT SPANK YOU TO STOP CALLING ME!!!!"
The cab pulled up to the front of Attitude, the hottest new restaurant in the LA area, and let Gary out. He looked around. Joey was no where to be seen.
" Psst!" came a voice from around the corner of the building. " Duh, hey... you! Over here!"
Gary turned and saw N'Sync peeking out from around the side. Joey was beckoning him. Gary skipped merrily over to his date.
" Hi guys!" he greeted the rest of N'Sync.
" Hi," they replied at the same time.
" They let us in at the back door so MY screaming fans don't mob us," Chris explained.
" OUR screaming fans," J.C. corrected.
Lance elbowed Chris. " Don't mind him, he's Bitchy Spice."
Then one of the waiters poked his head out the door.
" We are ready for you now Sirs," he told them.
Gary followed N'Sync inside and they were all seated at a private table in the back. Somewhere along the way, Lance excused himself and disappeared. Dinner was lovely, candlelit, and the food and conversation were both excellent. The only problem Gary had was Joey, who was constantly trying to grope him. Halfway through the meal, Gary excused himself to go to the bathroom.
He pushed past the swinging door into the elegant men's room, halting suddenly when he saw that he was not alone. A young man was bent close to the mirror, tweezers in hand.
" Ugh, these gosh-darn eyebrows..." he said.
It was Lance.
Gary watched in awe as he plucked his eyebrows with manly grace. Lance grasped a stray hair in his tweezers and gave mighty pull... and the tweezers went flying out of his hand, bounced off the mirror, and hit Gary directly in the forehead. Gary fell to the ground.
" Hey... Hey Gary?"
Gary blinked and forced his eyes open.
Lance breathed a sigh of relief and smiled gently. They stared into each other's eyes. The fireworks prepared themselves.
" I'm, uh, sorry I hit you Gary," Lance said.
Gary gulped. " S'ok."
Uncomfortable silence.
" We should, uh, get back to the others. I... I'm sure Joey misses you."
Gary just nodded.
Turning his head away, Lance sighed. Then he helped Gary up and led him out the door.
Gary arrived home that night exhausted and dazed. Lauren, Richard, Brian, and Sarah were waiting for him by the door.
" How was it?! How was it?!" they all asked while jumping up and down.
" Lance..." Gary yawned, then sleepwalked to his room.
The phone rang.
" LEAVE ME ALONE NICK!!!"
The next morning, Joey called Sarah's private line.
" Duh, hey there pretty-ful," he said.
" Wow! You called! This means you really like me! I'm not a slut! I'M NOT A SLUT!!!" Sarah cried, weeping tears of joy.
Then she did a little dance.
" Uh, YEAH," Joey replied, frightened. " Anyway, would you like to partake of delicious repast with me this eve?"
" Huh," Sarah asked blondely.
" Er, I mean, duh, wanna eat tonight?" he quickly recovered.
" Like, sure!"
7:11am. Lauren sat up in her bed, blinked, yawned, and stretched. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt came crashing through the window. She backflipped into the center of the room and struck a Charlie's Angels pose in her white, glittery, stripless thingy. She pointed at Lauren accusingly.
" You hurt my LFO's feelings! You made Brad cry! Now you must die! HIYA!!!" JLH screamed.
" But... but they ARE fugly! My ASS has better teeth!" Lauren cried.
JLH narrowed her eyes. " Oh yeah? Well... well..." she paused. Then growled. " You win THIS round, Lauren Fouste, but I'll be back! Nyahahahahaha!!!! ZOOM!!!!"
She leaped back out the window.
Lauren shrugged and got out of bed.
Later that evening, a cab dropped Sarah off in front of Attitude. Again, Joey poked his head out from around the corner.
" Duh, hey! Over here!" he called.
Sarah ran to him and leaped gracefully into his arms. Ten minutes later, the rest of N'Sync had re-inflated Joey.
" May I inquire as to what to just occurred here?" he asked in a daze.
The other stared at him in shock.
" Uh, I mean, wha happened?"
" I have to go to the little boy's room!" J.C. announced.
" I'll go with you!" Lance and Joey and Justin said in unison.
The four of them left, and Chris and Sarah were left all alone at the table.
" So," Chris said arrogantly, " I know you want me, don't you?"
" Oh yes, yes!! Let me be your bitch Chris!" Sarah begged.
They sank under the table and began copulating wildly. So much for Sarah not being a slut.
9:02am. Sarah stumbled in the house, bow-legged, and went immediately to bed. Lauren shook her head and "tsk"ed sadly while Brian, Richard, and Gary gawked in horror. The phone rang that morning too, and Brian answered, because Lauren feared the BSB and Richard never got called anyway.
" Hello!" he said perkily.
" Duh, hi, it's Joey..."
The cab dropped Brian in front of Attitude that night, and he stood there for a few minutes, tapping his foot impatiently.
" Joey Fatone, where the hell have you been?" Brian shouted when Joey peeked around the corner.
" Duh, they let us in the back..." he began.
" Nevermind," Brian interrupted, stalking to the back of the restaurant.
They all went to the usual table in the shadowy back corner of the room. Joey tried to put the moves on Brian under the table, but Brian stabbed his hand with a fork.
" Um, I'll be right back," Brian told them.
He left for the bathroom and Joey just clutched his hand, which was spurting blood. After a while, Justin followed Brian.
" What are YOU doing..." Brian, who was expecting Joey, began. He turned, however, and saw Justin. His eyes bugged and his mouth hung open.
Justin smiled. " Brian, homie G dawg," he said romantically. " I gots sumpin I has to say to ya'll..." He grinned nervously and cleared his throat. " You look damn fine when you back that thang up..."
Brian blushed and ran away.
Sarah was sitting by the front door when she heard very hasty approaching footsteps. She opened the door and Brian vroomed past and dove on the couch. The blonde covered his head with many a pillow.
In the background could be heard: " I WILL NOT BECOME MRS. LITTRELL!!!!!"
1:40pm. Richard skipped happily through the door and sat on the couch next to Gary and Brian's head. He was wearing a bright pink tank top and white pants, and his short hair was all up in tiny pigtails. Richard waited patiently for the others so he could unleash his news.
" NOOOO!!! GIVE ME BACK MY DIARY YOU LESBO!!!"
Lauren came racing down the stairs, Sarah's diary in hand, and Sarah hot on her trail. Sarah leaped for her, but Lauren turned sharply, causing the redhead to slam into Brian's upturned legs, flipping them both over the back of the sofa. Richard, seeing all his friends were there, starting with his wonderous and magical news.
" You guys," he bubbled. " Guess who..."
" Oh look!" Lauren interrupted, opening Sarah's diary. " 'My Dinner With N'Sync'"!
" Give that back!" Sarah whimpered, crawling out from under Brian.
" '... After the wild three-minute monkeysex with Chris, Joey, my real date, returned and...'" Lauren read while mocking Sarah's voice.
" WHA?!?!?!" Gary and Brian shrieked.
" Hey! Guys!" Richard tried again.
" But... but... Joey loves me!" Brian protested.
" He's the smartest man I've ever dated..." Gary sighed dreamily.
Brian and Sarah gave Gary odd looks. Then the three of them leaped together into one big catfight. Lauren ducked under the coffee table. Richard was getting pissed. He stalked into the center of the room and sucked in a deep breath.
" WILL ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!"
The room was silent.
Richard smiled sweetly. "Thank you," he perked. " Now, I was saying that I won the Impersonate Britney Spears Contest. Guess what first prize was."
" A life time supply of lip balm?"
" They're gonna paint your room pink?"
" No you silly gooses," Richard giggled. " Tickets and backstage passes to the Britney Spears concert tomorrow night!"
Lauren dropped to her knees. " Praise de LAWD!!!" she cried. The others were weeping joyously.
The next day, Lauren was in her bathroom preparing for the concert. She had just done her nails when the window shattered and in dove Jennifer Love Hewitt.
" They are not ugly!" she retorted.
Lauren was afraid. She began to cry.
JLH whipped out her special bottle of Neutrogena acne pads and flung them at Lauren. Lauren ducked. The pads hit the wall, and there was a hissing sound as the wall began to melt.
" GO AWAY!!!" Lauren screamed.
" I... I... OH YEAH?! Well... FINE!" And JLH leaped backwards out the window. " ZOOM!!!!"
Unfortunately, the window above the shower was too small for her boobs.
" Um, little help?" she squeaked.
" Argh!" Lauren replied.
She stalked over to the window and jabbed JLH in the forehead with her rigid left index finger. JLH went through and fell screaming to the ground. Lauren's room was on the third floor.
Lauren chuckled and went to vacuum off her good clothes.
The limo dropped them off into a crowd of pushing, screaming teenage girls and energetic guys hoping that THIS time Britney's top would fall off. Brian, Gary, Lauren, Sarah and Richard shoved aggressively through to the VIP door, and then were shown to special VIP balcony where they would have the best view of the stage.
" Um wait," Gary said, stopping their guide before she opened the door. "Do you know if N'Sync is in there?"
The woman checked her list "Yes," she answered. "I've got a Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Justin Timberlake, Chris Kirkpatrick, and J.C. Chazes checked off."
" Oh, Okay, that'll be all, thank you," Gary told her. She left to fetch the other arriving VIPs.
" Gary?" Brian asked, eyebrow raised.
" C'mere," said Gary to Sarah and Brian. "I've got a plan."
Gary cracked open the door to the VIP balcony door and beckoned Joey Fatone over.
" Duh, hi. I didn't know you were gonna be here," Joey said.
Gary just smiled. "Joey Fatone," he began, "I've got something to say to you. But it's something so big I need my friends to help me out." He struck a sexy pose and pointed seductively at Joey. "You are..."
The door opened a bit further to reveal Sarah smiling sweetly. " ...such a..."
Finally, the door swung all the way open, and a hand flew out, bitch-slapping a stunned Joey.
" ...fucking LOSER!" Brian finished.
Joey turned red, started crying, then fainted. His last conscious thought of the night was: 'Drats! Foiled by my own self-indulgence!'
" Lauren, you're the only one for me..."
" I love you Lauren..."
" You're everything I've always wanted..."
" I can't think of anyone else..."
" Huh? What's going on?"
Then the BSB broke into " It's Gotta Be You", directed at Lauren, while a very confused Howie wondered what he had missed.
After she finished puking, Lauren turned to her friends. " Um, let's go backstage," she said.
The others heartily agreed.
As they left, however, no one noticed they were being followed.
Gary, Lauren, Sarah, Brian, and Richard pushed and shoved their way backstage, flashing their passes to the security guards as they went. They ended up in a large room decked out for the post-concert party with comfy furniture and tasty snacky treats. Brian waited until his friends weren't looking before stuffing his face.
Suddenly:
" S'up you sweet thang?" said Justin, popping up from under the table.
" GUFFIN!!!" Brian screamed through a mouthful of food.
" I been thinkin' 'bout you incessantly, an' I gots to axe you..."
" Wait," Brian said, putting a finger to Justin's lip. " Justin... YOU'RE WHITE!!"
Justin blushed. " Oh yeah," he replied sheepishly. " Um, anyway, I wanted to ask you if you would please go out with me..."
Brian, desperately in love with Justin's new-found caucasianism, dragged him under the table, where they began rigorous fornication.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Gary decided to pop into the bathroom. He went inside, closed the door, and began checking his foundation in the mirror. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Gary stared at the reflection in the mirror.
" Hi, you wouldn't happen to have a pair of tweezers would you?" Lance joked, grinning sweetly.
Lance pulled Gary into an unoccupied bathroom stall.
AHEM.
And back within the main room, Chris and Sarah wordlessly reenacted the beneath-the-table scene.
Richard and Lauren hurried out as fast as they could. They were actually interested in the concert. Instead of facing the Backstreet Boys in the balcony though, they moved from backstage into the crowd at the foot of the stage. And then it began.
The music started and Britney Spears exploded onstage, coincidentally wearing the exact same outfit as Richard. She started singing Crazy and the audiance erupted.
" STOP!" Britney cried in the middle of the song. " SING IT!"
" DON'T MIND IF I DO!" Richard answered, suddely clambering up on to the stage.
With a mighty bump of his hips, Richard flung Britney off the stage. He went on singing the song and dancing in his little Britney-like manner. Britney Spears landed in Lauren's arms. Britney and Lauren blinked in astonishment and then looked into each other's eyes.
" Um, are you okay?" Lauren asked.
" I am now," Britney replied.
" DIE INSIDIOUS FIEND!!"
Lauren sighed in exasperation as she saw JLH in a Kung Fu pose in front of them.
" NOTHING YOU SAY CAN STOP ME NOW!" JLH cried in determination.
Then Britney hissed and leaped at JLH. The two began to brawl.
" I'll show you the time of your life bitch!"
" What's that you say? ' Hit me one more time'???"
And so forth.
The crowd loved Richard even better than Britney. The hollered and cheered as he finished Crazy. Then a hush fell. Sometimes was playing. Richard sang it sweetly, almost hynotically. It was then that J.C., who had been comforting Joey in the crowd, looked up at the stage and fell immediately in love. He pushed past the sobbing Joey and everyone else and climbed up next to Richard.
They dueted in a sickeningly sweet way for the rest of the concert.
" Sometimes you run, but now you DIE!"
" Calling fist, party of five!!"
Brian and Justin, Gary and Lance, Sarah and Chris, and Richard and J.C. found Lauren after the concert. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, sleepily watching Britney and JLH.
" And your BEATING goes on!"
Lauren looked at her friends. " They haven't thrown a punch all night," she explained.
The BSB showed up once more. Lauren lost it.
" GO AWAY I'M A LESBIAN!!!" she yelled in their ears.
" She sure is!" Britney added, leaping back into Lauren's arms and making out with her.
Jennifer Love Hewitt disappeared forever.
The BSB huddled, conferred, and decided to go keep Joey Fatone company in the Land of Dumpsville. Luckily, they were all gay anyway, so the Land of Dumpsville became the Land of the Six-Man Orgy.
And the others frolicked happily ever after.
THE END
(thank god)