I cannot tell of how I feel
I cannot express the shame
That engulfs me each time I hear
the whisper of his name.

I cannot bear the remotest thought
of the memory of his touch
His hands on me, his body on mine
remembering hurts too much.

I cannot wash away the smell
or the feel of him
No amount of water will cleanse me
of his touch on my skin.

I cannot see him day to day
in the company of my friends
Without the feeling of betrayal
that he once was one of them.

I cannot believe I trusted him
as a friend of mine
All his smiles and charming ways
will haunt me till the end of time.

I cannot believe I let him in
what was I thinking of?
There was no consent, no choice,
and nothing that resembled love.

I cannot hear the whispers
without feeling the shame
The knowledge of what he did to me
is like being raped again.

I cannot escape the torment
that fills my heart with pain
No laughter or joy in my soul
only emptiness remains.

I cannot feel the support around me
of those I call my friends
Where  are they in my time of need ~
on whom can I depend?

I cannot ever forget the pain
of my loneliness
Where I once had belief and love
he gave me emptiness.

I cannot begin to forgive him
he took too much from me
My innocence, trust and all he replaced
with the shame he gave to me.

©  Christina
March, 1992
 

"This was written not long after this incident.   Even 9 years later, I still find it difficult to talk about....but I am finally learning to share my story through my poetry of what I experienced.
He was a friend, though we used to go out, until I discovered his dark side.  I was his first love, and in trying to win me back he did this.   It was the ultimate degradation.    We do not speak anymore, and I have not seen him since not long after the incident.   What he did changed the path of my life dramatically....and ultimately he withdraw into a dark world."