All it took was a phone call
Not one, not two
But many
Each time it rings
Is it him?
To warn me?
To instil fear in me again?
Why he just leave me alone?

The phone rings once
It rings twice ~
Oh no, not again!
I answer
But there's no reply ~
He's playing games.
As it hangs up
I can almost see the sinister eyes
And hear the mock of triumph;
It's harrassment
Intimidation
A message for me ~
Cryptic or clear?
I don't know
I just wish he'd leave me alone!

I left that life to begin anew
With no conditions
No shame
No guilt
And no fear ~
I only want to be happy
With love and honour
And respect.
I want someone who is my best friend
To encourage, support and understand
Give comfort where it is needed
Have faith in me
And show me patience,
Who believes the best in me
And loves me the way I am ~
All the ways he didn't....
Please, don't spoil it.

The phone rings again
I feel fear once more
Panic envelops me
Anxiety overwhelms me ~
Why does he do this?
A power-play?
To remind me who is in control?
He cannot accept reality,
He destroyed my love,
My self-respect, my dignity
And replaced it with anger,
Bitterness and fear
But I left!
I am trying to rebuild what he destroyed,
My confidence and self-worth
And ability to love....
Don't try to hurt me again!

And all it took
Was that phone call
To bestow the fear in me
That he hasn't let go
And that he won't ~
"I am his till the end of time"
Marriage is for life
Until death parts us,
But does that mean until he kills me?
NO!
I refuse to let him destroy me again
With a phone call
With intimidation,
Instilling fear in me.
I chose to leave
To begin again
To learn from the mistakes
To heal the hurt,
The bitterness and anger ~
Replacing my fear with faith
A joy in my heart
And living the life
Intended for me....

That one phone call
Does it matter now?
Does it change my decision?
He made his choice
When he raised his hands to me
And crush my spirit
With his abuse;
And this is mine ~

It's over now
A long time ago
There's no need to hold on
Please, stop phoning
And leave me be
So I can let go of you
Once and for all....

©  Christina
10th November, 1996
 

"I wrote this poem as a part of my healing process in recovering from my marriage of abuse.   Even after I left and put a restraining order on him, he continued to call me and hang up.    Just enough to instil fear in me again, to intimidate me, to let me know who is in control.   I was scared.   I reported him but there was no proof it was him ~ but he knew I knew it was him....and that there was nothing I could do about it.   He thought I would come back again, as I always had.  But it as over.  And I was trying to rebuild what was destroyed in my marriage to him ~ his phone calls just made it harder."